she’s your dream girl
drop a pin and she’ll be at your feet
within seconds of it hitting the floor

she’ll do anything you ask
anything to meet your satisfaction
she only wants to make you happy

she’ll hide herself away
if it means you’ll stay a little longer than the rest did
she’ll make you believe that she is the answer to your prayers even though she
is no where to be seen, just a projection of your fantasy

she’s your dream girl
she’s allowed you to craft her this way
she wants you, oh she wants you so badly she’ll let herself forget who she is and be
exactly who you need her to be

she’s your dream girl
but if she’s such a dream
then why do the boys she makes herself a figment if their own imagination for leave her for another dream that didn’t mention before?

microscopic turmoil
a distruption in the ripple of time
somehow the stars have aligned
a chaotic miracle, a change of destiny
the love story of two starcrossed lovers
with an ending never here before witnessed
the inmorata and inmorato no longer have to hide their amour
starcrossed lovers have become star aligned
oh what a waste of a beautiful time.

he walked in with an effortless grace
made his presence known to me
the room was undisturbed all other patrons unbeknownst to the mystery of he
i was cloaked in a chill that cascaded over me like a sheet of ice
he didn’t look *** i expected him to
he was clean cut with eyes of icy blue, he could have easily been mistaken for love
but i knew after gazing into the icy blue
that i had met the death of me
the death of me is you.

oh darling this is all but a dream
you filling my heart with kerosene
dropping a match and engulfing me in flames

but all fires die, and you don't feel the same

drape the silk over my eyes
tie the blindfold tight
take away my eyesight, i’m not one to see what lies inevitable anyway

whisper distractions in my ear
buzzing around like a misquote
constant ring of you know how much i love you
carry on buzzing, make my sanity dissipate

watch as my arms begin to try and swat you away
see the vulnerability, perfect time to tell the truth
the love buzz changes into let me *******
four months four months buzzing in my ears
the constant sound of pleading to end your self diagnosed suffering

the swatting becomes a rapid fire attempt to shut the buzzing up
you only get faster, little bug
the buzzing becomes a permanent ring in my ears
even long after it’s gone, i still hear it loud and clear

so tie the silk tight
buzz in my ear
until my sanity breaks and your sexless suffering is all i hear

it’s 5:52 and my first thought is obviously of you
my eyes are wide and i go online to see if there’s any possibility of conversing
the first thing my eyes see are two sentences that my heart cannot withstand
the realisation that you’re moving on and i’m still stuck in heartbreak land
why is it that the good ones always hurt you the most but move on the quickest?
it’s 5:55 and at this point my mind is racing
flashbacks to a time that seemed to be golden
the first instinct to draw a crimson red because you still provoke a sickening anxiety oh how my head is in agony
but i suppress, knowing that i shouldn’t have to ask myself if that’s my blood.
and you answer, and somehow i forget what i 5:52 brought me

i'm your girl
girl you kiss
girl you hold hands with
girl you hug
girl who you walk to class
girl you show off to all your friends
girl you talk about to your dad
and mum, might i add
girl who is always going to care
girl who will never fail to laugh at every single joke
girl who likes you a lot and she hasn't felt this way since him and he ****** her over so hard to the point where she's scared that she'll only ever be to you what she was to him, an object
girl you accidentally call girlfriend
but take it back so fast
but the second its out in the world, i smile wider than any other human on any other continent
but i'm your "unofficial" girl, for now.

i missed the feelings that used to arise when your eyes met mine
the same little devils that caused my heart to explode and mind to race into universes unknown
i missed them so dearly and wished for them to return
my heart was better off with them than without, a matter that made no sense when they hurt it so whilst creating phantasmagoria
replaying days in my mind that i tried so desperately to forget
getting rid of the little devil's tugs on my heartstrings and getting over what used to be
then suddenly, you returned
and the waves came rushing in
like a day i can't forget

slow dance with me  
i’ll bust out the old record player
place the album we used to love by day in and day out
the vinyl’s worn down, full of scratches and slightly lopsided from the constant wear and tear of the needle
it repels being placed on the turn tables, but i get it to fit
the needle hits and the sound is never quite right
all the damage caused to it has changed the melody from harmonic to cacophonic
nevertheless, we dance
ignoring the utter clarity that the record’s shanty melody casts upon us
that we, much like the record, are destined to break at the scratch of a needle
that we have slowly become equivalent to the album that rings in our ears and fills our tumultuously silent house
we both know this to be truth, however we refrain from acknowledging our impending doom and ignore it for an ignorance we try to convince ourselves is true
the needle runs off the record
our feet slow to a halt
the sound of a needle hitting dead wax fills the room
and we dissipate back into the ignore we so desperately need to be true

such a big world, full of so many people.
so many people in the world,
                    why do i feel so alone?
                    why does it hurt to breathe in       the oxygen that keeps my fragile heart     from dying?
                  why does the sun scorch my skin when it makes everything else glow?
                  why does everything seem to be caving in?
                 why does everything hurt?
                  why do i feel this way?
                    why do i not want to be alive?
            why does it hurt, to be    alive?

chaos erupts like a fire inside my mind
self destructive habits roaming my brain like a familiar terrain
I have become acquainted to the lack on control I have over my mind
i want control, but my body has given up trying to fight the demons inside
I am tired, I am scared.
I am not mine, I am my mind’s.

come in like the tide
cover my body with a wave of unfathomable feelings that yearn for discovery

drag me out like the sand
when the waves revert back into the sea
taking parts of my sanity with you like tiny grains of sand that get lost in the ocean

crash on my shores like the waves of a storm
painful and rapid
i beg of you please stop hurting me but the tide rises higher with the wind and the salt stings all the tiny little cuts on my wrists and fingertips

calm, a tide i wish you would adopt
instead of collapsing tsunamis on my shores
i wish you’d learn that the waves also kiss the sand goodbye and gently fall back into the sea
instead of hitting me with a wave of chaos and blinding headaches
i wish you’d learn how to slowly stop yourself from inflicting pain in by fragile being

please stop trying to deteriorate my beautiful shores, i need the sands of them
please stop trying to drown me in your salty waves that burn my being from their chemical acidity
please learn to treat your shores kindly.

“how are you?”

“well I’m not too sure you see. I’m sad all the time but do not know what it means exactly. I can laugh and smile still but feel no happiness. It’s like a forced laugh and a forced smile basically telling myself that you need to act as if nothing is wrong. But when I am alone, everything becomes quiet and sometimes silence is violent but there I sit. In deafening silence, being overtaken by my old friend I call darkness. I am falling, deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole once again, this time I don’t know if I’ll make it out. but to answer you're question, I'm fine."

our love
was a horror show
begging to be set in motion

you're out in the world
living life how life should be,
a holy matrimony between happiness and
the desire to see another sunrise

you look like the sunrise
you feel like the sun glowing on skin on a cool afternoon
you sound like the happiest melody the birds can come up with
you make me feel... warm.

but alas that warmth always fades someday
my body is used to taking the sun's rays and turning them into sheets of ice on my skin, forever wanting me to wreath it a pitiful shiver
you're living in the ways of those who think that golden is eternal
and while you're out there, i'm here

sitting alone
writing ****** poems about how my mind likes to take everything good that happens and destroy it because it thinks i don't deserve it
i hope i don't destroy the sunrise, but the sun always sets right?

you were a series of one times
a one time text
a one time hit up
a one time thing
i knew that to begin with
but why did i check to see if you'd text me again
why when i saw you, across the crowded room did my heart skip a single beat
we are a series of one times
a one time that i wanted to be a some times to an all time
i guess i want all of your time
but i can't have all your time and you don't want mine
i mean we barely have spent time together in the first place
but god
i wish we weren't just a one time

the caress of baby soft skin
clutch onto me
grab and pull me closer
faces accidentally brush against whilst turning heads
the innocence of it all
feelings unspoken
desire present, the tensions are palpable and hang heavy in the air, breathing is a difficulty
thoughts interconnected but separated by the individuals
the touch of soft lips against each other
the almost natural kiss, pulled closer in.
time ceases, everything stands still
what am i to do with myself

sat in the chair
changed everything about it
the finale to getting over you
bleached the **** out of my hair
cut an inch off, you never liked short hair
the girl in the mirror no longer looks like the girl who loved you
the girl in the mirror no longer feels tied down to the idea of ignite a burnt out flame with damp matches
she has sewn her heart back together, it no longer feels the pain
the closure has set in

dip your brush in your sorrows
cover it in doubt and depression
paint your canvas in scars and messages of self hate
take a good look at the “masterpiece” you made.

grab a cup of water, cleanse your ***** brushes.
notice how all the black paint you have covered yourself in washes away.
dip the brush in a new found colour, the colour of happiness.
paint your canvas golden, show it what love is, love you have found within.
this is the true masterpiece.

a feeling long forgotten
hidden six feet under, a buried treasure waiting to be unearthed
it came out of nowhere, opened itself up, unleashing pandora’s box
but pandora changed the fate of her box
instead of releasing its usual chaos, the box unleashed a serenity
it draped over reality like a fine linen sheet
and suddenly everything began to turn bliss
the reality that once was dreaded and made the air hard to breathe
became one that i wouldn’t fear waking up to
i unknowingly found the version of pandora’s box that for me
would release a string of dopamine, sparking happy
something that had long been buried in a grave, waiting once more to be unearthed

a glance, all possible exits blocked by people you will never see again but in this moment they are your worst enemies

heart rate rising at alarming rates, you can feel the blood rushing through your veins and hear your heart beating, yet you feel dead

the walls are now caving, everything is hazy, throat begins to close, you forget how to breathe and oxygen cannot enter your bloodstream

trapped in between two colossal silhouettes, they remind you of the devil's best friends, the panic already boiling inside has reached maximum capacity

run, run as fast as you can, faster than a cheetah on steroids, you can run till the ends of the earth but that panic will still fester inside and you can't out run what you hide

strike your match against my skin
stab your knife inside my head
fill my lungs with smoke from your nicotine kisses
grasp your fingers around my neck

bind my hands togethe with the rope of your lies
pick every petal from my stem

please keep hurting me
it shows me you’re still there.

though we believe
time stops,
for the every so present perfecto momento

the clocks keep on ticking
seconds keep passing
hours are still being churned out
and one day
the perfect moment,
isn't perfect.

a shooting pain
top right artery of the heart

constant throbbing
top right part of the brain

shortness in breathe
distortion galore
faintness
numb hands
freezing sensation

i never felt like i was dying
until after you.

so don’t you hold me close and tell me that i’m your baby
don’t whisper everything i want to hear softly into my ear and make me believe that you mean it in the way i crave for it to be
don’t look at me with those sterling blue eyes with glossed over irises and give me that look that makes me think you’re in love
don’t run your hands up my figure and strike me with lighting bolts, don’t electrocute my heart and make it palpitate as if it stopped beating
don’t do those stupid things that you do that make me love you, it hurts too much to know that you do these things and they’re of a complete different definition to you.

i can feel it in my stomach
the loneliness it settling in
rising up through my throat
choking on things that don’t exist
i’m sorry to whoever has felt this
i wish i was still ignorant
to this torture
tears have never tasted so sweet
the saltiness chaps my lips
oxygen has never felt so much like poison
my lungs no longer seem to exist
my rib cage now is a graveyard
for a heart that used to beat
a heart that was ripped out by the hands of a man i love
a love so strong it drove him away
i have never felt a pain like this before
everything feels meaningless
life is colourless
i am not who i was two days before
and i don’t think i will ever get over this.

please stop making my hands shake
please stop sending my head into a miserable headache
please stop confusing me with smoke signals
please stop giving me mixed signals
please stop making my heart race at 100 miles per hour, it can't take the speed
don't tell me a fabricated truth and then retract back as if nothing ever happened
i was over you, i am over you, but you cannot come back and admit to still feeling something
i cried too many tears to have my heart thrown into the road and ran over like road **** and devoured by the vultures all over again
i can't believe i'm ever in contemplation of ever accepting an us again
please stop throwing rocks at my window and begging me to let you in, i'm not some helpless princess anymore
please, make up your and and stop tormenting mine

you got what you wanted
after months of waiting you received the one good thing i had left to offer
why won't you leave
i've built myself up ready for you to leave, and yet you stay
i don't know why you're still here
nothing is keeping you tied down to me, no physical strings
i've prepared myself for your departure
my heart cannot withstand loving you for much longer
when it knows that all you love me for is the things my body can do to yours and not the beauty that lives within it
yet you stay and with each passing second i love you more and more
every hour becomes more torture
and i know deep down that you'll leave
because i am just another girl you liked the look of
a nice statement piece in your bed
a tiny but sturdy frame to clutch onto
another kiss in the dark and barely a wave hello in public
but even though i know all of this to be true
you're still here and i, i still am in love with you

my heart still breaks each time i think of you
tears still form each time you cross my mind
why does it still hurt so badly? why can i not get over?

i wish i could crawl out of my skin
each time i look in the mirror i can still see each part of myself that you loved the most
i still see love burning bright in my eyes
i wish the fire would ******* die

i wish i could stop being
if i wasn't me i wouldn't think of you
no recollection of any part of the wonder of you
i wish i could forget, i wish amnesia would hit

why does my heart still beat for you?
why would i still do everything you ever asked?
why is it so easy to fall in love but so horrible to fall out of?
why can't i forget everything i love about you and move on? you've done it easy enough

i can still feel my heart breaking
even i type each letter i can still feel my heart breaking
all i ever really feel anymore is my heart breaking
i didn't think it could continue, i thought all the pieces were already shattered

is it possible to see a person
every day, every hour
in every aspect of life
and still never get tired of seeing them?
is it possible to get the same
production of emotions each time you even
think of their being? or their laugh? or any aspect of them?
is it possible that every time i lay my eyes on you
i only fall deeper and deeper?
is it possible, to not get your heartbroken by the idea of not being anything, but having someone who is everything?

i lit your red roses on fire
ignited by the spark of my red lighter
finger tips stained red from the flames that flickered
from the crimson red petals i picked
maybe that’s why we confuse love and hate
they both bleed the same
red

red roses wilt
from the colour of your lipstick stained lips
to the colour of the monsters living inside my head
the roses wilt,
our love died with them.

infatuation leads to the intoxication of sadness streaming through one's bloodstream

flash a smile
act like everything’s just fine
hide lies in plain sight
create an oscar worthy performance

count to ten
close your eyes
focus on the darkness that lies behind close eyelids
try to remember something of a pleasant time
open
notice the nail marks imprinted on pale palms

open pandora’s box
you know where it leads
is that my blood? i didn’t feel anything.

how did i end up here again?

he was the sun
supporting life
creating a glow inside my eyes

he hurts too much to be the sun
now he burns all the life there once
flames of destruction fill my eyes now

he puts his hand on my chest
as if by a stroke of magic, his hand goes straight through and finds its way to my heart
he holds it, and i can see in his eyes he knows what his motives are
slowly, he pulls it, out of my chest, but there is no pain at first
the pain kicks in when he looks at me, dead set in the eyes, with my heart in his hands and delicately tightens his grip on it, watching as I slightly wince in pain, taunting at the pain he can inflict upon me
all because i decided to relinquish my heart to thee

One hour ticks by, no reply.
Two hours, three hours, four, I don't think I can take this anymore.
At hour five, I get a reply saying the same old "hey sorry babe my phone died."
I reply in an instant, knowing I shouldn't but it's become an instinct.
And now the cycle repeats, one, two, three, four, five, five hours with no reply. This isn't love, this is lies.

I've written these same lines
about six hundred times

all of them
all of them seeming to rhyme

but not rhyme in the sense of phonetics
or in a repeating pattern of syllables

rhyme in the sense
of a pattern of misfortune i suppose
rhyme in the sense
that every line
is smudged from smeared ink and
tear drops falling on the page
in the exact same place

rhyme in the sense
that every word
of every line is
hard to decipher
because it has been written
in what I like to call
anxiety's beautiful autograph
each letter written like a
scrible and all unconnected
because it's kind of hard to
piece words together
when you can't even remeber
how to breathe right

rhyme in the sense
that these cursed
lines all stem from
every line I
have made on my skin
carved out like the words to a beautiful poem
and the blood still stains the paper

rhyme in the sense
that even when
the pen
hits the paper
and starts a new
I still cling to the
lie
that everything's not dying
and we're all still alive.

you glance at me
the look you give is enough to propel me into an amnesia that allows me to forget every ounce of pain you ever inflicted upon me
a bouquet of pink roses is handed to me
as if you’re asking me to ***** my hands on the thorns as i pick the petals, wondering if i’ll ever land on he loves me
a haze casted over my eyes
the rose tinted curse, everything seems to be blissfully nice

you never know
      you'd never understand
            you haven't gone through
the mind game . . . . . destruction more like
            of convincing yourself that
you are not in love any longer  
                       with the boy who lays right next to you
as he is looking directly at you
       and as you are looking at him, at all the little things you fell in love with
              actively trying to disassociate them from the rush of love to the heart and infatuation to the brain
                                    while trying to block out all the memories that flood back of when you were truly happy
and the realisation that you know him better now than you did then and your heart has access to more things to love
                      but it cannot, you have convinced it that it cannot
                      because while his mother still calls you a couple, you promised that you would never be again, a sacrifice made for his benefit

i swore i didn’t want anything more
feeling free since july nineteenth
the lack of adoration for another person felt like release
but as i lay here
imagining what it would feel like to have someone’s arms wrapped around me
holding on tight as if i was their most valued possession
i am fleeting back into the desire to have a heart that isn’t mine beat for me so rapidly
as if it’s trying to keep me and mine alive.

i shouldn’t cry over you they say, you’ve got no reason to, he didn’t hurt you.

but i cry over the nights i lie awake while my heart yearns for that feeling and my mind gives me all the reasons as to why i am not good enough to be alive and why you left

i cry for my sanity and how it has been lost because of the way you left me, untraceable, undetectable, without reason

i cry because i can still feel your touch on my body and it has felt me feeling ice cold for weeks on end

i cry at the haunting of your laugh ringing in my head and the sound of you voice when you said you loved me

i cry at the backlash i got and how everyone thinks it’s so easy to just move on, block his number, get rid of him

but it’s not that easy you see, i cry because as much as i want you to not be apart of me, blocking a number won’t block you from my head, unfollowing you won’t make the sounds of your voice and everything you ever said and the essence of you stop following me, trying to see in others what i saw in you won’t erase these feelings of irreplaceablity i gave to you.

i cry because as much as i want to be, i’m still not over you, and i cry because even after all of this, i still don’t hate you.

she’s not yours, but she wants to be
she doesn’t even belong to herself.
her body rejects her soul
her mind rejects her happiness
her heart rejects your love
she’s not yours, but she wants to be
she’s not yours, but she doesn’t know how to be

she’s still an angel
even if her heart is shattered into pieces on the ground
and the tears pouring down her face and sobs escaping her lips make her face all red and puffy
she is still an angel

when she cries, she cries but the tears that flow look like a beautiful waterfall
when she’s blue,her eyes fill with hopelessness but in those hazel eyes there is still a sparkle that no one can ever deny
when she smiles, oh when she smiles she lights up the world, not even the sun can shine so bright
she is forever golden; even when her heart is pumping out blood tinted black and blue from all the emotional abuse
she is still golden, and she will always be an angel.

The fires burn brightly in her eyes, flames of the revolution hidden behind frosty blue irises

crimson red blood boils inside, a desire to change the current state of the nation causes a rise in body temperature, she is the ultimate power

rage against the way she and all those who are being wrongfully oppressed by a corrupt system that does not deserve the title of justice creates a chaotic master plan for the rebellion that she will be the spark

but in this war machine, I get the greatest sense of what the revolution will be like because I can taste the rebellion in her kiss, dripping off her lips like cinnamon

run your fingers through my hair
leave prints on my skin
run through the rain
getting rid of every trace.

an unfamiliar warmth flows through my veins
a smile adorns my face, something unfamiliar and a shape I thought my muscles has long forgotten how to make
a sudden ease overcomes
my hands stop clenching into fists
i stop shaking, no longer freezing from a blistering cold
my teeth stop rattling and knees stop knocking together, no more anxiety induced shaking
these feelings are in fact petrifying, i cannot lie i am absolutely terrified
but the sun feels so golden on my skin and the long days don't feel so dreadful anymore
we'll see what this brings, but i think i may have found someone who makes my heart beat with an elevated rate of pure elatedness and not an elevated petrification

Smile
                         Smile
remember to  smile
don't show the        dark
just                   smile
how can I        smile    if I Feel like I'm dying inside?
                         SMILE
just pretend to  smile

somwhere in the world
a small girl sits in a classroom while the teacher tells the class that they won't be reading Maya Aneglou because of it's sensitive content
while later that day the same small girl goes home to a father who binds her wrists so tightly to the bed, her veins almost burst. His sick fantasy gone wild and she'll never read about someone who survived.

somewhere in the world
little boys run wild, with smiles on their faces
ignorant to teh chaos around them
these little boys look so happy, to the untrained eye
but look around them, they're actually running for their lives.

somewhere in the world
a mother watches a family through a restaurant window throwing away full course meals with tears in her eyes wondering if she'll be able to feed the kids tonight

somewhere in the world
lovers hide, in fear of being found out that they are not of different sexes and that they are of different races
petrified of being punished for what everyone else sees as a crime
or even worse, not making back to their beloved alive

somewhere in the world,
a little girl asks if daddy is ever gonna come back
and she wonders why he's gone in the first place because no one ever told her that daddy never loved her.

somewhere in the world,
the restless lie awake at night fighting battles with their demons
fumbling open a bottle of jack or a pharmacy vial of xanax
wondering how fast they'll take away the pain

across the world
there is sin, all seven of them
pouring out of every thing that inhabits the earth

somewhere in the world
there is a someone who will erupt the revolution
and we're all patiently waiting for the anarchy to begin.