I feigned sleep
As his hands wrapped my body
A safe cocoon in blue arms

I wonder how much time
I have left until the spell
To break

Home is a homeless place
Love and you will never
Find it elsewhere

His heart beat loud in my
Back and a hardness
That pulls me closer

I stayed awake
As the room filled with blue
And the clock as my consort

A hand of warmth, his touch
Like the touch of many others
Before and after

You felt blinded to be alive
But he turned off the light
And tucked you under

Love, it doesn't have to feel
This way but which way
Must you go when

Home is not a home to you
You've been gone for
So long

His blue arms are what draws
You back and you
Cleave as if it's your roots

Blue love, blue arms
Blue hearts, blue room
I feigned sleep

A safe cocoon in blue arms

he asks
when will it open
what, i asked
your heart.

he says
i brought hammers but
i fear it might hurt you
i said
soft, love. soft hands.
soft touch is enough

he says
kiss me
you won't have
to open your legs
just your lips, nothing
else
no, touch me soft

he tears my heart
and licks the inside
i moan
because my tongue is
tied

he touches and touches but
i won't come
i won’t come but i still
moan to keep him
occupied

im afraid the wolves
might come
i tell him when it's all over
that night the moon was too loud

so you trust me?
he asks
like howling wolves
we lie, crying
and as the dusk came he
covered me in his arms

in the morning i woke
to see the bed empty
only stains of the last night
in the bedsheets

i was afraid the wolves
might come

I wanted to die in his car
As he drove in the highway
To the unknown
The night dark as coal

He said he would give me the night
But I only wanted his heart
I closed my eyes
As he sped along
My heartbeat loud in my ears

Place me in your heart
I’ll show you where my sadness hides
Love, it doesn’t always have to feel
This way
But I can no longer bear the hollow of
Tomorrow

I turn to face him,
Eyes fixated on the endless road
If he wanted he would have chose me
I will never be in love
I will never feel it all.

1.     My house is the same size as his mother's bedroom.
2. He was the first to notice the colour of my eyes.
3. He kept his left hand on my thigh and steered with his right.
4. He drew a long breath and breathed out a smoke on my face
5. He said men should not hurt their wives.
6. He drove sober while I leaned back with a bottle of cider in my hand.
7. He asked why I was so sad.
8. He told me he and his mother never talked.
9. I liked the feel of his hand on my hair.
10. He stopped kissing and wanted to talk about it
11. I've tried so hard to keep my wrists clean.
12. He claimed he was not looking for ***.
13. He only wanted me for my body.
14. I was not ashamed of my nakedness.
15. He stopped when I said no.
16. I fumbled; I was only a ******.
17. He sobered up in the cold shower while I lay in his bed, waiting.
18. I thought I heard my mother's voice from the back of my head, asking me my whereabouts.
19. I was somebody's daughter.
20. He was somebody's son.
21. There was a drawing by his kid sister, with a caption: the best brother in the world.
22. I felt too ugly to be lying there.
23. For all my life. I've wanted a brother. Someone who would protect me. Someone who would fight for my mother, who would gently cup my ears in the midst of my father's violence.
24. He came back and kissed me again.
25. I touched him because I was lonely.
26. I did not stop him from making marks on my neck.
27. I wanted to give myself up. I did not care. I had no reason to keep my virginity. But I was somebody’s daughter, and I...I loved myself too much.
28. He faltered at the mention of her name. He loved her. It was all too familiar.
29. He wanted to know how long I was staying.
30. My flight was only in eight hours.
31. I felt angry at his dominance over every events of my life.
32. I did not know how to forgive him. He, who was supposed to be my lighthouse, my shade. He made it so hard for me to trust, too vulnerable, always playing on the safe side. He hurt me too much.
33. He fell asleep with his back turned against me. I wanted to reach out to be held. But I did not know how to please him.
34. I was supposed to feel safe under my father’s shadow.

You thought you could spread your legs
to the first stranger who spoke your name,
but even then you were so ashamed of your skin,
the marks and scars of the body you were born in
that you eloped.
You never came back.

You asked what you had to do to be loved.
To be wanted.
It was all you've wanted.

The first boy whom you confessed to smiled, amused,
and asked, so?

It's the question you've been trying to answer all your life.

so?

Your first kiss was at eighteen, ugly and untouched.
He only wanted your body,
but you've forced yourself to think otherwise.

Oh, love.
It is so sad to live in your own body,
to watch him watch her,
watch her link her arm around you and starts
telling you about her problems

Problems.
oh, you had them too.
but you were just a listener,
with ears always, always open.
you felt like a mute. your mouth filled with sand.

Do they know how much you love yourself?
You did.
You had to.
You were trying, but no. You were not enough.

At night he is always there, in your bed.
Your brother, i mean. Whispering how much he loves you.
But in the morning he is gone
and you have not seen him ever since.

This does not make sense.
No, no more questions.
Nothing will ever make sense.

Today, you texted a boy who used to love you,
and when he didn't text,
you nodded to yourself.
it's alright. you expected this. be calm. don't panic.

your friends call you the queen of sarcasm, of loudness.
Some asked why you were always so depressed.

Depressed. Empty. Sad. Vulnerable.
It's all you've ever been since the day
you saw the front door close behind your father.
Since the day you left your own country.

But your days no longer revolve around your mother's sadness, or your father's violence.

And you are too old now. No more lighting candles. No more days of fresh hotel sheets and smells of sunscreen.

In December, a boy confessed he liked you.
You didn't want to choose him because you were lonely.
And when you wanted to choose him
because you were lonely, he was not there.

You thought if he comes, you would give him all your love.
All the yellow light you've been hiding in your heart.

You wanted simplicity. Love and his eyes.
Stop, this is getting too long.

you never liked the sun touching your face.
you wanted the night. its dark hiding your flaws.
you wanted to cry
but you were flaccid, like a wilted flower.
you wanted to love
but your blood tasted of running,
running, running.
because he told you to lie down,
and for a second you were hesitant.
you felt him hard between your legs,
but he still stopped when the alarm*
went off.

lightly child. lightly.
move your feet lightly. touch your memories gently.
because he told you how he and his mother never talked,
and you closed your eyes when he said
men should not hurt their wives.
lightly child, lightly.
you never liked the sun.
the way the rays exposed your skin to the world.
you wanted to sway.
you wanted to burn.
he never bothered to keep in touch
but you still think of him now and then.

you thought you would burst
from all these ugly feelings
but you held the explosion so tight
it melted inside your bog of depression.
in the midst of your sadness,
you cannot help but think about  
him,
her,
about the night that concealed all your flaws.
and you know that you are young
and you have so much time
to make things better.

you know,
and you are trying
just to leave your bed,
just to hold your legs back from running into the roads,
just to keep your head above the sea.

so love, draw back the curtains and
close your eyes.
*you never liked the sun touching your face.

Come take a walk
With me.

You know*
You are the one
I’d die for.

I just wish to
Cry
And suffocate myself
Inside your smoke.

But my eyes,
They have been dried
For so many
Years.

There is so much
I wish to tell
But love,
They have cut my tongue.

Besides, I would not
Know
Where to even
Begin.

There is a boy
in my dream.
With eyes oh so gentle.

He thanks me
For being born.

But in the morning he is gone,
And I have not seen him
Ever since.

And you,
You gently drape
Your arms
Around me

And ask
If
I would go for a walk
With you.

You know
You are the one
*I would die for.

In the beginning we started out the same.
But do you realize that now, we are the total opposites?

Do you crave to travel? Move to different places year after year, and interact with different races, learning their new cultures? Because I’m so sick of these long flights, wandering aimlessly without a place to stay.

You were my safe haven. One that I thought would never change.
Anyone but you. Anyone in the world but you.
You were the only person I could look back to see that nothing had changed. You were the only person that could not be changed. You should have been exactly the same way I left you. You were supposed to be there, reminding me of where I was from.

You were my only hope. You see, I no longer know who I am.

Please, remind me of the girl I used to be. But love, you won’t know. You will never know who I really am, or what I’ve done, or what I’ve seen. I'm so confused. I know you are too. We're both confused. We are too young to figure out the exact moment life started to change.

It was good, wasn't it? Good old days. At least it was for me. Holding hands, sharing our memories, we were invincible you and me. We shared the same sky. We had the same blood.

Are you sick of your life? You've had the same house, same school, and same familiar people from the day you were born. I bet you have never even been on a plane. Are you looking for a way out?

Because all I wish for is a place to go back, without feeling lost. I want to surround myself with people I've known for years, streets I've known by heart, and a home that brings me comfort. That is all I want. I'm sick of being the new girl who comes and goes. I wish to stay.

I remember. Holding hands, we roamed around the streets like we ruled the city. The whole world was ours. I miss the smell of the morning air in the mountains. Miss the smell of cool rain drops in summer air, and sliding the snow hills on top of cardboard papers. You might not remember all these. You might not care. You might have never even thought of them before. But for me, these memories are always in my head, being constantly replayed on my mind. I treasure them so much. I will always miss those times.

To me, you were a flower, stuck on the ground, blooming in the spring and withering in the winter. I must have been a butterfly, who bloomed flowers like you, without even a place to stay. I'm still wandering, looking for a place to rest.

Do you understand what I'm talking about? Can you even hear me? I am not the girl you used to know. I am not the girl you‘ve known all your life. I've seen so many things, things that I shouldn’t have seen. Known things I shouldn’t even have known, said things I could never take back. I’m scared. I've changed so much that I don't even recognize my own self. I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m so ******* scared. Help me. I need you. Talk to me. I'm so lonely. Do you feel my loneliness?

Please don't treat me like everybody else. I'm supposed to be different. We are supposed to be real. We have the same blood. We were from the same place. We started out the same. We had grown up together.

How did we ever come to this? I know you. I know us. This world is not what we thought it would be. But please, don't be a stranger. *You of anyone.

The worst part was the numbness.
She was numbed down to the point she could not do anything.
She could not sleep. She could not cry. She could not read. She could not write.
It felt as if even the most basic, most fundamental action was strenuous for her.
All she could do was to lie down and stare at the ceiling, watching the clock slowly ticking away her time.
She wanted to **** herself. But how?
She wanted to give it all up. For who?
In her numb state, even sleep betrayed her. She could not move. All she could do was to lie down and let the numbness sink into the deepest layer of her skin.

My brother told me to hide
Under the table when
He’s upset.

I do. I hide
Under the table.

The small space
Under the table
Is our only sanctuary.
In here, we are both
Safe.

“They’re giving you
Trouble again?” he asks.
I do not reply.
I do not have to.
He is only a figment of
My imagination.

Clash.
Then a scream.

“Why did you ****
Yourself?” I ask.
My brother does not reply.
He only stares,
with a gentle smile on his lips.

I wish to rip that beautiful smile off his face.

A scream.
Then a clatter;
Like of glass pieces shattering all over the floor.

The yelling intensifies.
I can hear my mother screaming,
Crying.
My father curses,
Raging with fury.
He is knocking off every pieces of furniture in our
House.

I look around,
but my brother is gone.

So I hide
Just like he told me,
Under the table.

“What do you want,” he asks, his eyes bloodshot.

“Hurt me.” She says. “I want you to hurt me.”

You get these thoughts.
Dangerous thoughts.
Thoughts you should not think about.
Thoughts you should not dare to think about.

It happens when
You are in an empty room
With your baby cousin,
Your little sister,
Little brother,
Or the child of your mother’s best friend.

These thoughts are too strong
That you cannot stop thinking,
And thinking
To the point that makes you sick.

It is sickening.

It happens when
You are both alone.
Her soft skin brushes against your arm.
She asks you questions with those
Black eyes.

Clueless,
Innocent.

You know she trusts you.
Looking at her perfect skin,
Flick of jealousy fills your gut.
You wonder what will happen to her,
One she loses
The light in her eyes.

But remember, child. No one must know about this.
Keep them locked.
Deep inside your mind.
Don’t you dare let anyone see.

You need to realize
That these thoughts must be kept
Yours.
Yours and yours only.

And you must remember
To never,
Ever take an advantage of a child.
For she and he remembers.

A child remembers.

You remember,
Don’t you?

My father
Was a violent person
Hot tempered, serious, tense.
Always, always tense.

I tried to deny it
But deep inside
I feared him.

Whenever I sensed a sudden change in his eyes,
A sudden flicker of anger on his face,
And even a sudden thickness in the air,
The fear kept creeping back

It was not the alcohol
That turned him into a monster.
Just how, in the right mind of a person,
Punch his wife,
Tear her hairs out of her scalp
And leave her body with bruises?

Just how, in the right mind of a person
Abuse his wife in front of his daughter,
Nonetheless of her daughter’s presence?

He’d hurt me too sometimes
When I tried to intervene,
To save my weak mother away from his grip.

He never apologized.
Not even once.

How do you feel today, my love?

Are you tired?*

How about we go out for a walk?

The weather’s beautiful today.

Do you want to go outside?

No?

Then shall we watch a movie? The choice is yours.

Okay, we’ll do that.

Go and set the room. I’ll get some snack for us to eat.

I love you too.

*I love you very much.

I love the sound of your heart.
Thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub
So strong and steady.
It makes me feel homesick
for a place I’m not sure even exists.

I no longer know who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to be.
I just want to lay here and listen to the sound
Of your heartbeats until
I die.

How sad it is to know that this
Steady beatings
will come to an end,
And there will no longer be you.

You, my love. My life. My hero.
I live for you, my love. I lived for you.

Please don’t leave me.
Just stay here, next to me, in this place, you and I.
We’ll go look for a place for us to hide.
Or we could just hide here,
Here in our shelter.

Please, please, please. Don’t let me go. How can I,
how can I ever live without you?
But for now, I’ll close my eyes
Pretend I’m asleep, next to the sound
Of your dying heartbeat.

Just help me maintain this tranquility.
I do not wish to drown, nor do I wish to leave this dark abyss
Behind.  

I do not mind the cold water.
I know I belong here.

I am slowly losing my sanity,
Knowing this dark could drag me under
In any second.

I am a fragile china.

And I,
I am not asking for a savior;
Not a ship or salvation.

Just leave me untouched in this blue sea.

If this is where I belong.

at eighteen
you walked away from
your house
and darling,
you were so brave.
you were always so brave.

i can imagine just how hard
it must have been for you
to walk away.
from your angry father
and your depressed mother.
you never wanted to leave her behind
but you needed to go.
you heard your own heart in your ears.
and your shaky legs,
you first needed to save yourself.

embrace yourself.
when he first touched your face
you thought you might explode
into small pieces of fireworks.
no one has ever made you feel
like he did
and right at that moment,
for the first time in your eighteen years,
you felt contented.

and when he walked you home
and pulled you into a tight hug,
you could hear your father's violence
from the back of your mind.

now, it is new years eve
and you are standing in the middle of the night beach,
your feet against the soft sand.
you hear the waves rushing back and forth,
trying to touch your toes,
and when they finally do,
you are pulled under.

you are thinking about him.
the boy who made you feel
like a firework.
the same boy who left
without a word.
it's been a long time since he's been on your mind.

and out of the blue
you remember that rainy day
when you closed the front door behind you
and walked towards the station
with the small suitcase tightly clutched in your hand

for a moment
you've have forgotten the brave girl
with eyes determined as a dark storm.

breathing in the smell of the sea,
you stare into a dark endless horizon.
you cannot see a thing.
it's a never ending abyss
and for a minute
you wonder if
you are still brave.

you are brave, my love.
you are brave.
you have always been so brave.