You thought you could spread your legs
to the first stranger who spoke your name,
but even then you were so ashamed of your skin,
the marks and scars of the body you were born in
that you eloped.
You never came back.
You asked what you had to do to be loved.
To be wanted.
It was all you've wanted.
The first boy whom you confessed to smiled, amused,
and asked, so?
It's the question you've been trying to answer all your life.
Your first kiss was at eighteen, ugly and untouched.
He only wanted your body,
but you've forced yourself to think otherwise.
It is so sad to live in your own body,
to watch him watch her,
watch her link her arm around you and starts
telling you about her problems
oh, you had them too.
but you were just a listener,
with ears always, always open.
you felt like a mute. your mouth filled with sand.
Do they know how much you love yourself?
You had to.
You were trying, but no. You were not enough.
At night he is always there, in your bed.
Your brother, i mean. Whispering how much he loves you.
But in the morning he is gone
and you have not seen him ever since.
This does not make sense.
No, no more questions.
Nothing will ever make sense.
Today, you texted a boy who used to love you,
and when he didn't text,
you nodded to yourself.
it's alright. you expected this. be calm. don't panic.
your friends call you the queen of sarcasm, of loudness.
Some asked why you were always so depressed.
Depressed. Empty. Sad. Vulnerable.
It's all you've ever been since the day
you saw the front door close behind your father.
Since the day you left your own country.
But your days no longer revolve around your mother's sadness, or your father's violence.
And you are too old now. No more lighting candles. No more days of fresh hotel sheets and smells of sunscreen.
In December, a boy confessed he liked you.
You didn't want to choose him because you were lonely.
And when you wanted to choose him
because you were lonely, he was not there.
You thought if he comes, you would give him all your love.
All the yellow light you've been hiding in your heart.
You wanted simplicity. Love and his eyes.
Stop, this is getting too long.