i hope i left a gap in your life
the way losing a tooth leaves a hole in your mouth
and you keep running your tounge over
where it used to be

the year opened on two kinds of olympics:
Sochi and selfie.

we spent months looking for
one missing plane
276 missing girls,
and 43 missing students.

from Ukraine to Mexico,
Palestine to Venezuela,
to Ferguson,
the front of the battle lines
were crammed full.

their stories captivated us,
their movements motivated us.

we snapchatted, we vined and instagrammed,
we remembered their names.

Malala Yousafzai
to Mike Brown.
Eric Garner to Ebola.

we made some friends
and some enemies.

and I think,
when I look back,
years from now,
at the year 2014,
the first thing to come to mind will be,
"I was there."

They'll use Martin Luther King day to sell anything from mattresses to cars.
Even he has been ripped up and replanted,
capitalized, like Christmas or Easter,
by the people who give us images of a white Jesus,
but you bet they don't pay everyone equal.
We have boulevards, schools, and libraries named after King,
but streets over, we have Confederate soldiers carved into a mountain,
we call 'em heroes, that's what I was taught,
the ones who fought, the ones who ate lead,
But, they aren't talking about who really put a bullet in Dr. King's head.
What the **** is wrong with us?
America will go see Selma in millions,
this weekend, go back home to their all white neighborhoods,
thinking about how it was bad then, but now, it's all good.
Who are we really trying to fool?
Stand up for the pledge in school
Put your hand over your heart and forget
all this country denies you
telling you that there isn't a heart of a human beating inside you
because you're gay, you're black, you're not like that,
She was a flirt, she wore a short skirt,
Every day you try to heal the hurt
Justice for all? Like are you kidding me?
There ain't such a thing here as liberty
Do you know where you stand
was Native American land?
Ripped from their bleeding hands
And don't even get me started on Iraq and Iran.
You know that mountaintop?
The one I was talking about,
Did they tell you it was a KKK meeting spot?
Bet not.
I wonder, is the clay here red from all the blood?
We hide our history,
sing promises of liberty,
say that racism ended with slavery,
and it's Stonewall Jackson, he's a hero, they say
but never speak of Stonewall Riots any day
and I'm afraid for our children and what they will learn,
in classrooms, will they be silenced?
Come here kids, let me tell you a story,
of Ferguson, New York, Hong Kong,
about how people will look back and see they were wrong,
But some never did, some died with hatred,
some died because of it,
Let me tell you about homeless LGBT youth
Let me tell you about all these issues
Let me tell you the truth
And there are different ways of seeing it,
but only one way to say it,
you and I both know,
You just have to listen for it.

i dream of you in color
old black and white portraits
on the kitchen counter
and i thought
i was the only one
who loved you.
you are so old fashioned
no message i ever send
seems to get through.
if love is a drug,
these are the side effects.
i hold a shell
up to my ear,
expecting to hear the ocean.
i hear nuclear tests
and the challenger explosion.
and i can't breathe anymore
when it stops my heart
just to know where you are.
and if someone asked you
things that are blue, you'd say,
the sky, the sea,
and all i can think of
is being every color in your life,
the paint to your palette.
but it is too late.
you are color blind and
you will never see how bright i am.

you said, "you're not afraid to love
you love kittens, you love rainy weather,
you love shakespeare and sweaters
movies and being kissed
on the tip of your nose
new york city, you love beaches
and the few times it snows
you love crime tv, you love poetry
so why is it that when it comes to me
you feel hesitant?"

i said, "i will tell you, the reason
that i am guarded
yes, i love all of the things
that you listed.
but shakespeare never wrote me a sonnet
and then disappeared, leaving me stranded
new york city may drive me crazy
but it will always be here, you see
poetry may tear me apart
but it won't look me in the eyes as it does
do you have an answer, now, to your satisfaction?
please listen, believe me,
i do not fear rejection.
i fear giving up all of my secrets
only to find you've painted yours
on someone else's skin."

The young cling to their mothers
like we cling to each other
set me on fire
I want to see you bitter,
you don't want to lose her

you have a way that craves things
but never fights
and anything that comes close enough
you close your eyes and run from
before the next one

if I had just let go
it would have been easier
but I want to know
what makes you break into pieces
maybe you lost the lottery this time

and love is so inventive
giving me feelings I didn't know existed
casual, she says
as she locks her fingers around his wrist
maybe it's the love you missed

and out of her eyes comes a fog
that you will have to drive through
to get to her
so you go, headlights on,
to search forever

the daughters of the street begin
their journey in vibrancy,
pretending they hadn't been
afraid of their own voices.

the soles of their worn-out shoes
beat in rhythm on the soil
that breathes tulips and coughs dandelions.

some of them will be wishes,
objects of desire in the eyes of men
who look like they have lived
their whole lives in subway seats,
ready to strike.

and i thought i would stay in this place
of directions and dreams,
thinking i could pick one off the sidewalk
like a dropped penny.

they never keep the buildings up
long enough to rust,
rain doesn't stop anyone.

suddenly there are two of them
facing each other's weaknesses
and neither will give in.

she's up to her neck in
unrealistic expectations,
he is up to his in all his confidence.

the only difference
is doubt, splashing up to her nose,
trying to get into her head.

and when she looks in the mirror
all she sees is who her mother was
and who she wants her daughter to be.

my hands are tired from all the squeezing
i do when i'm alone,
trying to get every last drop of
anything they'll give me
when i know i deserve better things.

maybe i'll just walk to work
and see the flowers on the other side of the road.

i wish they'd toss me over there like a stone
or there was some crosswalk and a crowd
i could hide myself in
and pretend i am one of them.

there is only concrete here.
how can we grow anything in it?
yes, we have the water and sun,
but nowhere for our roots to stand.

it's getting crowded on this side of the street
they speak of throwing some into the river of cars
so we have more room for our feet.
oh, won't you let some of us cross
so we can cultivate
the flowers on the other side of the road
they're drooping under your shadow.

I was a baker in France
in the 19th century,
a poet, an alcoholic,
an ancient Egyptian,
a cancer patient,
a victim of the plague,
a father, a mother,
a soldier, a lover.

But, my darling,
no matter who I was,
or who you were,
you always loved me
and I always loved you.

i.

summer stained your arms
with the rays of sunshine
that spill through to you
and you wear it proudly
wear the crown of thorns
placed on your head
by someone who’s long gone


ii.

last night i was singing
about seeing you again
and i don’t think i will
maybe i’ll go to the peak
of the highest mountain
and i’ll count everyone i can
and come down when it’s enough
that you might have been one of them


iii.

i’ll leak drizzle onto my palms
i’ll stay still till i rust
and then turn into dust
and people plant flowers
where my mind used to be
and the wolves and girls
will cry, cry for me
until the babies i had
finally learn to speak

seraphs in the sky,
they come chanting,
a thousand wings beating,
drinking from storms.
the window in the kitchen
flew open, bringing snow
and their shadows,
aligned with their forms.
mars and mercury may think
about this day,
and never tell their secret
to the moon.
the thought bruised my head
purple as the nebulae,
or summer's last sunset.
she twirls around the room,
turning with the earth
on its axis,
as i toss in bed.
enchanted, she reaches
for a hand of mine,
i give her one of venus.
now it is just i,
and dew drops,
beads on a web.
i do not dare disturb,
stir a puddle, or step
in any of the water
so this woman, mysterious,
may drink again.

I fell in drops, the rain
dew on spiderwebs
string across the bridge, again
fighting for our breath.

Gather peaches in baskets,
our brains left in beds
Your eyes focused; mine distracted,
sunken into my head.

Plastic grocery bags, sidewalk
I go calling out your name
An echo back to me, wet chalk
I put my hands & mind away.

Could you be under cover
like me, are you masked?
A sorcerer? I wonder
But I'm afraid to ask.

Grass clings to my feet
and mud in my smile
The dawn and night meet;
horizon mile.

Midnight I catch your gaze,
standing at the gates
Worthy of praise,
my new & tragic fate.

i bring back charred firewood,
and memories, bleeding
through your mother's eyes.
she stole away to jerusalem
in the middle of the night.
you built a fortress, and like a storm
i was let in, looking for some place
but, you wouldn't believe me
i'm not something to put faith in
i bring men into the house
and you're afraid
i will become part of them
a bundle of violets,
oh, you take me back.
if i knew, i would have found my way
to the road where they grow.
i would breathe in everything you told me
like it didn't feel like suffocating
but the darkness cascades, and there's a gap
in my thoughts where you used to be
and one finding its way through my teeth.
don't you remember,
you pulled voices out of me.
oh, i have been used
more than i've been using.
more than i've been loved.
and no room left for you.
a bundle of sunflowers,
taller than i could ever hope to grow
and you put them in a ***, hope i'm satisfied
i'd have preferred it had you just left them alone.

Sylvia and Vincent
Won't you come visit
me in the night
He'll paint and she'll write

Tulips and sunflowers
I am counting down the hours
Till I meet you
But you are hard to get to.

She put her head in the oven,
he put his in his hands
but you're not so different,
Sylvia and Vincent.

Her pen races, his brushstroke
how did they know
what to say, what to paint
Did it come from their pain?

And you may never see the reward,
the effect on the world
of your gripping emotion
and how it made time frozen

But this comparison is nonsense
only two creatives plagued by madness
and so, like them, I hope for acceptance
from a world that barely notices.

i don’t know how to write you anymore
maybe you’ve fallen out of favor
maybe you’ve fallen off trees
all i really know is that i can’t see
whatever you had the strength to believe
double homicide on the streets
blood, kiss, silent, dreams,
i only recall a number of things
that had me by the throat
but never made me choke
i know you’re in there somewhere
pushing me out of your home
and i remember nowhere
and wanting to be alone
cross the train tracks
let’s pretend we’re never going back
let’s get wasted
let’s let them waste us
smear black under your eyes
blow away my mind
i don’t need no medicine
i haven’t got the time
i wanna breathe you, please you, tease you, take you
curse myself cuz i know i’ll never be with you
i know i’ll never hate you
no, it’s never enough
and they show them put his wrists in handcuffs
like he’s a symbol, with charges so unfair
Smooth Criminal, she quivers at his stare
bow and arrow, female hero
don’t make me go where you wanna go
wash the blood out, wear my mind out
write me sonnets, Shakespeare’s on it,
i’ll drift through the universe
i cannot hold this life on my surface
this is a curse
don’t worry baby i’ll buy you some time
i’ll give you some of mine
i know it’s gonna hurt, i know it’s gonna bite
but i’m never gonna let them put a sword in my side
i’m never gonna let them control my mind

every crease in every sheet i smooth,
my eyes fallen to the floor. i do not reach
for your hand. you wake from fitful sleep,
rise with the eagles and the saints.
the whole earth awaits your next move.

i brace for impact, your voice upon my ears.
the dream catcher swirls, a feathery mobile.
i fall forward into nothing, dust off my skirts.
i will take you with the dawn.
you with your perfect balance; movement of earth.

before i was bereaved, i felt complete.
now i wish for the day i am released.
you and i; a tale of espionage and broken trust.
in the window i stand,
in the doorway i am crushed.

grief is another word for silence.
my pen won't bring back the laughter;
tragedy does not halt the change of seasons.
is this what i am meant to be?
i became a citizen of the sun.

i cannot risk this, too.
i cannot give away my only peace.
i will not fight you for my soul, or my heart.
both are empty and mean nothing to me.
i only need you to understand.

we cannot remember where it begun;
when the waves came.
i will not force retreat.
dust of my skies, my voice, my name,
this is how you tell me to leave.

i am the current and i sweep you away.
we light up again. we change.
you fall asleep by my side and i count the days
the moments we built up to
that never came.

the sun rose; the rooster crows.
i wake you up with ringing bells.
you roll on your side, threaten to **** me.
i would have gladly obliged.
take me now, for the wind and for the fire.

forget the quickness, the quiet
the steady hand when you shut the door.
let us bloom into something different.
let me come to your defense immediate.
let us flow and fly, remember and return.

I meld my skin to blankets,
thick as glue
moving under them
is no small task
and I would rather
lie in the sun.

At first awakening,
the crowd is greeted
rises, casts no shadows,
words turn to ash
in their mouths,
and not one swallows.

My stomach hummed, asked me
"Do you remember what it was like
to wear layers
and not walls?"

There are still things marked,
scorched forever,
by some beauty, some fatality.
I would never kick leaves again,
never step in snow.

We are pulled from shelter, from shed
thrown in mud, pulled out of dirt.
I'm a framed picture, a flash bulb.
Recovering bodies, discovering oddities
Please remember, while I trust goodbyes
with you, it doesn't have to be true.

clear in the light from the sides of your shadows,
throwing your hammer down.
get me closer and closer
til I'm just where you want me
I'm pieces of photographs and reflections of portraits
capturing your movements on the pavement
I don't know what makes you think I'm in the dark
I'm no more mechanical than you are
I'm struck by the way our two separate ways meet
just hit me with the truth already
(I won't give you mine yet)

farewell to the places
we've all been
and all the faces
we've seen
a hundred times
but never stopped to memorize
I know
it can't be captured
like you saw it
and that's why
it was all gone
in the moment
but I know
every little crack in your palm
even if it's for the best
I still don't get
why you had to stay behind
while I moved on.

the blue jays built a nest
in your backyard
but you have yet
to make a name for yourself
anywhere we've gone
they say never change,
well, you and I are bound to
it's just in our nature
and if this world doesn't
follow along, I have to tell you,
I don't want to stay here.

we went to your attic,
hiding in a corner
without flashlights
pretended we were magic.
and you were smoking something
I didn't recognize
why set your lungs on fire?
why use a cigarette lighter
when you can torch the world instead?
but then I just remember
how we ended up here
and try to keep my head.

they said never leave
but I guess we're going to have to
you know we don't have a choice
we have to leave the way we are
that's how they'll remember us
I know it's home but I only liked it
because you were always there,
and if you're leaving, darling,
all I've got to say is
I don't want to stay here.

in the beginning it was only hope and dust and fragments
of a grave never visited, never touched.
you talk with your hands, you leave your palms
resting on your chest.
i was never meant to be.
i was never meant to come alive.
and all you ever did to find me was die.
that was it. that was me lying in bed
deciphering messages.
i could not be convinced
of coincidence.
but i wanted to believe.
to have something.
i always knew, i always thought
i will not rest.
maybe i am still scared to rot.
scared that i will burn,
that when i get a good look at you,
that will be it. i will be done.
i will be silenced. i will become
your phantom. i am not the limb
you missed. i am not the wind.
i am faith and gut and circumstance.
that is all we are.
that is all it took for me to find you.
to love you.
but you,
you had to die.

i cut a hole in my pocket -
my mother told me
"that’s how
you lose things”
maybe i should have
cut a hole in my head
but if i tried to lose you
i’d lose my mind instead

you're beauty 'cause i can't escape you
you're time 'cause i can't erase you
and you're dreams 'cause i want to chase you
you're wine 'cause i want to taste you

you're death 'cause i want to dance with you
you're success 'cause i want a chance with you
you're danger 'cause i have a romance with you
you're heat 'cause i can't stand too much of you

you're light 'cause someday you'll blind me
you're it so i dare you to find me
you're chains and i want you to bind me
you're a map and i want you to guide me

i'm the ocean 'cause you can't tell where i end
i'm your lover when all you need is a friend
i'm a letter you forgot to send
i'm nothing, and that is evident

you're no good for me, this i know
all you will ever do is swallow me whole
and get away with a piece of my soul
but, my darling, i still fold

you're sand 'cause i want to sink into you
you're in my head, all i do is think of you
and i don't need to drink to call you
all i see is the month that spring brought you

you're a whisper now, i can barely hear you
and don't think for a moment that i will fear you
this may make you mad, but i no longer endear you
and so, farewell, i will shed no tears for you

oh, you used to be so strange to me
standing just to the side
filling your head with water
didn’t somebody ever stop you
and say, wait a minute…
stop giving up?
you don’t need that much,
you never did
this meaningless emptiness
that you throw yourself at
i’m sure you know by now
it’s not gonna last
but for as long as you burn
your magic will never
ever fade…
but it’s what you come to
after months of hiding away
and you find you don’t have the words
for what you wanted to say
i’m sure it’ll come some day
and you’re longing for something
you don’t have to explain
i know you like listening
to the sound of the rain

just wait a little while and you’ll find
somewhere to be, you don’t need to hide
and the moon casts its shadow
on the earth that we love
and it’s going down tonight
i don’t know if it ends
nobody ever told me
how to leave somebody
without haunting them
this isn’t the first time
and i feel you understand
but it’s alright if i’m wrong,
i will stay here.
i know you won’t have me
but you’ll still have hope
and i hope that is enough
as it is for me…
and you stop and think
once upon a time…
i hope your arms are full;
i hope your eyes are bright.

I want nothing that matters
I’ve got nothing to hide
I want something that matters
I want you by my side

I wish I was stronger than you are
I wish I could push through all of this on my own
I wish that the longer you wish for something
The more you get to call it your own

And all my dreams are like faded photographs
Once experienced now I can only look back
And I have no recollection of what I was doing
So when you show it to me I’ll pretend it was nothing

I miss you more than I thought I would
Papa brings in the firewood
It won’t snow tonight or tomorrow
But I want to end this year without any sorrow

I wish I knew where you are tonight
With someone who’s better than me
You think she’s going to hold you just as tight
But she’ll break your heart more when she leaves

You can come to my front door if you bring celebration and light
I don’t want darkness or hell
I’ve got enough of that myself
So you can leave that all behind

And throw your worries over your shoulder like a bag
Hang your responsibilities on the coat rack
Pretend for just a night you don’t have them
Then leave them here so you have a reason to come back

My piano misses your fingers,
My veins miss your blood.
My fog doesn’t know where it lingers
I guess it’s just as lost as all of us

Can you remember these things to me
I’m in these photos but I have no memory
It’s like looking at a life from years ago
Back in ancient Egypt or maybe Rome

I collect stars just for you tonight
We used to pretend fireworks were bombs
We ran from them, in a sick game
I was frightened and a little bit wrong

And I hang the rhymes out to dry on the line
And looked at them from all angles and behind
You told me red was your favorite shade of wine
But I never knew why you were so blue all the time

Pasting things to my lips in an effort to seal them
It’s been years and my mind is reeling
I can’t believe I used to think that was who I was
Well I do now, but that’s because

Fire can only burn for so long,
So Papa put on another log
And stray from me while it sizzles and cracks
I locked the doors and windows this time
I know you won’t be coming back

This year I want to make a vow
To never fall out with anyone again
Because I cannot see the ground
Or anywhere I’m going to land

You can be something I dream about
Then forget in the morning blues
Before my head leaves my pillow
Ten times I thought of you

And I don’t want to be anything more than what I am with you
Where do I stand?
And I don’t want to decieve myself but all the lies you’ve got are true
And I paint them on my hand

I am unusual sometimes
More than I am complete
I don’t need anyone else to climb
The highest mountains and the tallest trees

I learned to be myself with you
Now I have to learn that without
It shouldn’t be easy to do
But I’ve got to try and start

I know who I am, alright
And you never had a part
You didn’t do anything for my night
And you didn’t owe favors to my heart

I picked some things to stuff in a corner
Of my mind, I should’ve hid them well
Because I swear you can see them if you look closer
Into my eyes when I smile

I want your grey and I want your bright
I want your day and I want your night
Take them all and tuck them inside
Let no one see what lies behind

But you can’t come telling me it meant nothing at all
It meant something to my mind, to my heart, I recall
And something to my father who didn’t think I was listening
And something to my mother who told me I was glistening

Now I cannot say that I would go seeking you out
After all I’ve done to avoid coversation
But if you tapped on my window and shout
I wouldn’t draw the curtains

And you can’t say you wouldn’t do the same
If I was in trouble and needed a hand
If you heard me at night calling your name
I know you would answer and help me to stand

lipstick, mirrors, mysteries
i have a secret i can't keep
and it grows inside of me
til it is too deep

i see the ghost's grin, manifesting
through the glass, maybe
you were just a dream
when i slept in class

i know your name, but it doesn't fit
nothing could possibly contain your essence
through a hole in the fence
you saw me in the garden on a bench

and sometimes i pretend
this is all my imagination
break a dish, put it in the cupboard again
as if it never happened

watching the olympics
talking about who'd win
everything is a war these days
it's time we work out an armistice

If I were to ascend to heaven
eventually, from my bed
I'd spend all my eternity
wishing for earth instead.

For heaven is no location
to live up to its name
it is a feeling of satisfaction
And so will never change.

If I had it, I would not realize
It would be the closest ever came
to end, because you stop the fight
to make things better than your dreams.

And if it is reality,
then it is daily life,
a utopia of living,
the green on the other side.

I will take what I can get
and it will be no paradise.
But at least I will have some purpose
and will to survive.

It was the year you realized
your parents weren't perfect.
I memorized the sound of planes taking off,
telling me that
I cannot leave yet,
but I cannot love here.
This is not the place for it.
You and I are still alive.

Half of August's heat
still sears my skin
safe under my coat
and nothing else let in.
I crush cherries in my hands,
wanting nothing else to leave,
nothing else to change, still as the winter freeze.

Each face I looked into had its own headstone
I could tell they were dead and yet not free,
souls trapped on the face of the earth
and their bodies lying empty.
I did not want to greet them,
to know their names or where they come from,
and slowly they drift away
and I am alone again.

I won't stay anywhere for anyone.
call me a ghost, call me insane
call me unhinged, call me by my name
I need no savior, I am my own
They tell me to come back home.
It's who have you met, not what you have done.
I put the sun in my skies.
Sometimes it rains, but it always dries.
I can hear the battle cries
The good in me cannot be reached
It has always been my retreat
So who are you to come to me and preach?
I know some who would do anything for love.
I would do anything for myself
and that's enough.

The sun retreats too early, too quickly these days
and the ink wells are running dry.
It's a drought of love and easiness,
we are kept safe and sound
only under our own skin
I collapsed one night in the kitchen.

I try to light a fire but it just turns to ashes
and we have no other way to stay warm
sometimes I turn the music up so I don't have to hear you come home
and I won't shake when I hear your voice.
Take the Christmas tree down.

I think you see me as a decoration
like the lights or a manger scene
beautiful, but I must be silent all the time
the song you turn the radio down on
you see nothing within.

I wear gloves even inside now
I'm careful around you,
like with the star on the top of the tree.
I'm afraid even the gentlest touch
will break you into pieces.

I almost called the cops this morning
to tell them there was a stranger in my house.
They would have called me crazy, and so would have you.
You live here; there are pictures of you on the walls.
But your heart moved on long ago.

Dust no longer gathers on my lips,
I have used them more often
since you left.
And my hands are now busy
calloused, not hidden
behind my back.
My eyes see all,
I never close them,
never let my gaze fall.
My ears hear lies,
I do not trust them
( - with my mind)
And my feet move
everywhere I go,
they take me where
you would not.
Yes, when you left
you took my heart.
That is just one part of me.
I have a lot.