I feel your heart dripping with saturation
To the point of sedation
It makes you afraid and stray away
From all your playcating
Playful ways being sated

And my own pain has been harbored
Within my lonesome self hatred
For many years at a time
Creating empty spaces

But you are not vacant
Within the confines of your walls
You're only frightened of slipping
Or falling at all

But you speak to me
With the shine in your eyes
In between the words you say
You're a clever artist
Gone, lost and departed
With what you convey

I refrain from saying too often
That I see your approach soften
Because you're lying there naked
Inside of your coffin

Beckoning sweetly for me to meet you Somewhere in the ground
So that we can exchange soft phrases
Without making a sound
Never again will I pull you away
When you don't want to be found...

Just know I'm listening
To your splendid reminiscence
I'm not giving in
To my own cognitive dissonance
Now that I see you clearly
And I feel you dearly
I want you near me

There's no fear and no pain
I'll be hanging around
Waiting to call out your name
Until the time comes
For us to say goodbye
Anyways, I love you
I had the time of my life

I'm nervously staring at a blank page
I can not concentrate
Why can I not explain how deranged
These thoughts will range before I engage with another
Leaving everything getting to me beneath the surface
While asking after others

Internal whispers hint on my actions
Each infraction gains traction
As I fail to supplement the latter with a fraction of a rebuttle
All the while huddling in a corner and never subtle
Like a mortar ready to explode yet I self-implode each time
Because I refuse to unload
It makes my mind the victim within this fight

The fact that I will not attack but rather act and pretend
Like this suspension will defend me or better yet transcend me
Is another cover until exactly when?
Otherwise pending
How selfishly imposed is my level of deceit
Not a second of relief for I am a liar and a thief
To expose copiously my own hopeless struggle crumbling me

But if I don't take this venom that's coursing through me
If I don't choose lemons over poison
That's it, I'm done C'est la vie, ***** me
I'll write out each and every buffer
For this montage of self-sabotage isn't quite enough
To make me suffer

No.

It seems I need to be hit with lightning nineteen times while struck from behind and intertwined in the jaws of a great white shark before anything productive happens or anything creative sparks. Before I utilize the clandestine confines of this mind to do or say or think of something smart. Just another day to start another chapter in the story of my life. I've come so far and fought so hard to stay away from that knife. Known recognition through prepositions giving meaning to my trifles and tremblings, be they lucid dreams or presently vivid memories...

And never feigning, only straining harder each day
Contemplating carefully
The words that I say
The thoughts that I convey
The everyday reality that's now so far away

What can I do to replace the voices haunting me?
Flaunting their perfect prisms
And what I'll never be

Its never enough
And that's just too much..
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free

I don't fear your darkness
Surreptitiously speaking
With a condescending voice
You think you're keeping
My eyes gaze is never far away
And the glint in your eyes
Tells me more than it has to say

The fact that some would run reeling
At the side of yourself shown
You find less appealing
Is a cynical fiber
Which you've taken to reeling
While weeping and reaching
For understanding and feeling
I can only display what escapes
From concealing

Revealing to you
My own demon's caress
And how it yearns for intervention
And feigns duress
Until you show up with your mess
In its subtlety
And it admires your candor
Right there where you lay
How you live with fear
Yet still show up on display

And not for a moment
Do you hide from the past
With a heart stitched on your sleeve
It remains steadfast
So I'll reach for you
Here and now at last
Before the intoxication fades
And we think too fast
Will you come play with me?

.

I will continue to live each day
Talking to myself telling little lies
And I will die out when I'm gone
Leaving a big nothing behind

It will be as though I never was
Turning my back
To my disappearing footsteps
And an evaporating essence

Only, there is no heaven
And the truth is
There never was

The hardest thing to accept while we hope and pray
Baring our souls naked and afraid
Is taking rejection head on
No protection while asking why
Simply because...
No matter your age or gender
There's no tender way to reply:

Return to sender

Am I too progressive with my indiscretions
So hazardous while blathering implicit messages
Confiding in your esteem
Preening my feathers, licking wounds
And I guess...
Sending messages that are perplexing and confused
Causing stresses and second guesses leading to conceptual asepsis
Otherwise there'd be no guise or feelings manifested

I'd be chaste if only I could feel my ****** bones
Yet I have no control, and that makes me bold
So I spray my words in haste
I knew it was true when I told you
You looked like you'd been replaced
Then it took a moment to regain your composure
But I could feel your pain was real like you got hit by a bulldozer

What we had was then threatened to be torn asunder
I swear the silence that ensued rumbled as loud as thunder
It was as though that moment let go drained away our gladness
All there was to remain was feigned
Within the echo of profound sadness
Ashamed feeling like my blunders lead to your heart's plunder
I'm deciding now to write this down to prevent it taking us under

The way I look at relationships is a free flowing fluid
The brass tacks slip through the cracks
Rest assured that we're not ruined
Suffice to say I don't see you that way
Because we're not black or white
We're different shades of gray

I couldn't let go. And just say no, because I'm an addict and once I got into the flow there's no doubt that the ps4 went into rest mode. When the poem that I wrote for you was lost to the abyss I grew despondent and may have suffered paralysis a minute or two before this revision. Here I sit with a stale cigarette because it's been a while. And I'm not talented, so after reading your poems I've decided to steal your style. Then I made a decision to cut the lights, making the room dark. Because maybe if I shut off a sense or two my mind could begin to spark.

And quit berating me like a shark over losing that last thought. Even though I know you feel that kind of energy that I'm so desperately trying to lay bare naked for you to see so ******* unapologetically.

So once again I apologize for my intrusion. I'll try to keep it short and to the point and omit the confusion... Just let that raw spongy meat fill the sink like a blood soaked delusion. I'm like a fungus trying to find that tender feeling. The very same that's left me reeling. Congealing at the mouth for a minute or two until I let the tears run that had been concealed as if in a Sun fusion tomb.

And not to be rude but these first lines are garbage. I wanted to save that last one because at least there was some heartfelt flow. Not just rhymes and the due time of some clandestine woe. Here we go.. I can't do this. It's like the moment has passed because it got ruined. And now I can't get back to the place where I'm imagining your face or our palms interlaced...

And now my phone is dying. I'm scrambling to the charger deranged and out of place. I can't let the phone die then one more time curse the sky and wonder why. I won't take it as a sign that these words aren't meant to be written while I'm trying to remember only what the last one said like it needed this phony precision... Just acting crazy and coddling this vision like it's my baby. Like 7AM is a normal time to still be up. I don't know, maybe? Maybe it's because I've been thinking about you lately. And the thought of that had me in denial, lady. And look at me getting cocky with what I say. Like I can stand here and act queer and make sloppy jokes like that's okay!?

Maybe that's the reason why I can't sleep. Because I can't even hide my pride any more this time. I'm tired of rhyming. I just want to touch on what you used to tell me was a piece of me that was inspiring. I'd be lying if I said I have any of it left because any notion of that premise is so much less than deft. And here I go thinking I'm about to touch upon what's left in my heart when I know just how it will end but no idea where to start. Maybe it will come to me if I talk about dreams. Something innocent enough to dilute my own selfish reprieve.

What you meant to me.. Has me stricken with grief. Every word that I write feels like a giant hypocrisy. Every time that I think these thoughts I want to drown myself in my sleep.

And now I have that other poem that's going through my head but you have no ideas as to how it sounded or what it said. I described myself as a felon for what I did to you. How I stole your time for my own designs that much I know is true. But the truth of the matter is I can't stop the superfluous rush of rhyming words that want to come and they need to hush up. I'm trying to come from the heart. And all I can say is that I'm in a lot of pain just trying to relay... Trying to close my eyes and enter that flow state. For you I will.. I'm awake with my intent. It's almost eight but not too late for me to tell you just how I feel. If I try to rhyme it's not going to be right. It kills me inside that it's hard to fight. But I guess that's typical. Because I'd rather think of what to say next than be literal. Because I'd rather be a figurative criminal than dig deeper. I'd rather grow cynical than for once just face the reaper. I know my character when I despise my own reflection that alternates between this state and a newly found perception Because I'd rather be an outcast. Reject and misunderstood preacher than a disciple... and I'm my only rival.. But this isn't a confession to you and this digression isn't the Bible...

Just a predecessor to an elaborate truth and one at which I've been so uncouth. I see a black hole when I close my eyes. I know that I tell lies and hide behind alibies so my vacancies are my disguise. Now does that suffice for my ******* ego? Can I finally tell someone that I love just how hard it was to let go. How two years have passed and nothing feels so special because someone met tonight lead me to retrograde and that was heavy.. But it was more like an epiphany. It forced my pride and opened wide the holes I have inside. The very same that came from the time we said goodbye. When I forced your hand and took that stand and created a divide. I try and I try to convince myself that I miss the idea of you. But I'd be lying. I changed things up and pressed my luck but here's to trying. The stupid rhymes won't go away. They think it's safe. They think it's dignified, composed, and chaste. Whatever their reasons they fight being erased. And I guess that's the next wave of emotion I have to face..  

Even in a room with no-one around. I have to think about how it was you who lifted me into the clouds, and I in turn always brought you to the ground. I do believe the love we had was profound. I knew that you could speak to me without a sound.

And yet we still drowned, and I'm left shaking, still headstrong and rationalizing and faking. Still ******* rhyming even though this is the second poem in the making. How I managed to render the most precious bond I had forever forsaking it. What I'm left with to know is that I have no right after all this time to come into your life.

What I've learned is there's a difference between what you know and what you believe. In a moment of clarity I know what I've got is deserving. And then choose to believe in nostalgia and empty tears. Because Nissa, darling, it's been two years. And you're a new person in the moment I was here. Somehow I hope that one day you will read this little post-it note that means more to me than any wisdom or quote in the few passages here that aren't cunning or rote. It wasn't meant for many eyes to see. But I can't take this familiar loneliness haunting me. And there I go trying to connect synapses into the next day like it matters as time elapses
I lay here in bed with nothing to say but convey memories within my head. They don't fill me with dread, I reminisce with a soft version of sober ringing like the singing call of the dead. And though it was fleeting you will never leave me. So from the deaths that I've caused this to follow is what I'm bereaving. I might have been dreaming but I once was believing that all my deceit could prevent me from grieving. Like I don't already know that you're long gone and I'm still breathing. Like I don't sit here seething and still trying to rhyme or think of that last design. Like I'm not lying at all or that I haven't been crying. Washed up water methods and coping mechanisms may sedate me for a week. I don't want all of your love because for me it was enough knowing we were Nissa and Cedric.

I'm beginning to understand why they say home is where the heart is because I scream while I'm alone remembering and receive no catharsis. It's why I starve myself of necessary sleep to stay awake then soothe myself when I shake reflecting on mistakes. Now I only have to wonder about what you're doing. Because I won't reach out, ungluing and unraveling a door that's been shut when just a reminder of you washed me into a rut. It's why the ocean's waves are bringing me peace. They're consistency is what I have left to just cease and desist when I grow sullen and remiss. When I've now spent my night writing this. When I miss your kiss, but truly long for your echo. When I know I have to move on now but I won't let go. I love you. Just in case.. You didn't know.

Reach out and cut your hands on the glass strand shards
Sticking out of my heart
Shouting in rage; forgetting my age
Desperately hoping to engage
Or restart

Walking on eggshells and retract
From the fact that both my feet retreat
When I sense you lurking so tactfully
One wrong step severs that last kind breath
Until we forget what it was like before
In between a battleground haze (mazes comprised to our designs)
And ulterior motives

It's amazing how forgetful we can be
Until there's no good memories
I need some recompense to provide for an accurate censor
And try to determine why I feel greed
And propensity in my relationships

I don't want to be caught in the same headspace
What a waste to frivolously seek the finish line
Leaving impressive vines with no roots
And nothing to annoint
But I suppose its due to the exceedingly increasing value
Of time and how that robs us blind
With nothing to do
And a moot point

I want you to scream your lungs out today loud and proud
Bow your head and gesticulate all that you have vowed
Because if that art didn't echo cathartic it wouldn't make a sound
If you didn't chase the highest rungs the path is wayward bound
If life didn't motivate you there would be no drive
And if you weren't in motion then you wouldn't survive
And if you didn't bound from strife you wouldn't thrive
Because staying wound up doesn't allow for any pride
The sedentary life desecrates and decimates and pushes down our dreams
It bottles up and washes up all our clever schemes
It tricks you into thinking that you have no right to believe
That there is no reprieve to compensate a cold reality
Well I have got news to you warriors who fight
Continue on your path and scream singing blues and sharing might
Even if this a dream I don't need to be educated on mirth
It is the split second's impact where I feel it's worth
Remember to revel and celebrate and overcome the mind
Or ask yourself what kind of footsteps you want to leave behind

Certainly there is no such thing as rewind

Now is the time I am grateful to be alive
To prove my worth for my birth
The God that blessed my time
I am given golden hours
That no one can take from me
I am in charge and omnipotent
To hold the key and set me free
I was given the right to learn from my fear
To overcome what's been and yield strength within
And protect those who I hold dear
If I don't get to choose what affects me
Certainly I am given free will to protect me
The power of my mind to regulate what is perplexing and vexing until encountering the next thing
So if the only thing truly naked is my fear
Then maybe next time I'm down and out I'll remember that I was here
I'll remember my calling is so crystal clear and to humble myself
That I am fortunate and I am blessed
And only need to remind someone else

What if children are actually the wisest beings on the planet?

And the state in which we call "the development period" before they learn to talk is when they are trying their best to convey all of the secrets of life and death to you?

All children can justifiably do this because their "innocence" as we perceive it is actually the profound wisdom to come of living an entire lifetime that still exists within them. Hence, they have left the troubles of this world behind and still remember passing images and details of what happens after this.

When they figure out they can't actually speak to you for some reason, they then begin to act in the most candid manner to demonstrate their knowledge. And because perhaps, you too have experienced another life or even multiple lives before the one that you're living, you catch on to bits and pieces of what they are demonstrating and appreciate that.

Then, since these little ethereal beings are learning to be human again and you're the first people they meet and spend the most time with, they want to identify with you.

So the beginnings of what we call "personality" are really just the congenial memories to the secrets of the universe shared between parents and children. And eventually, the child grows up and.forgets all their secrets, only to remember them as they live life once again. There's gotta be something to that adage where people refer to the elderly reverting back to their childlike selves, after all!

It's as though I've died
Yet haven't reached the end of my life Passing by unfazed
Through these phases ever changing
Taking kindness from strangers
When they offer their advice

Suffice to be content
With what's left behind
Acting on hapless sacrifices
Or sickening vices
Hollowing my inside private spaces
Until the point I disappear
Or otherwise remain faceless

A blank slate..
I'm ready to bear my own vines
To share this with you
Substantiate it over time
And let roots grow where they lie

If only you'd allow me
To take your hand in mine
I'd fit the mold
I'd fill that hole
Within your ripped apart heart
And never miss

I wish you to know this
That you have been
*The last dream of my soul

I said it out loud
So there would be no shroud
No elusive vestige's veneer
Leaving fingerprints and clouds
No shadow of a doubt
That isn't allowed
And I'm certain the only time to say it
Was right now

No intricacies or implicit notions
Only acting in time
And staying in motion
While we'd been singing all night
Of a hearts devotion
An ocean flooded through me
Like I had drained a potion

I couldn't wait to retrace footsteps
Once you come back
Even though in person
Would have been using more tact
Even more there was
An irrepressible desire to state a fact

So even though
It may not be the right time or place
I'd rather let you in now
Than wait to see your face
I don't need an answer
Just take my words and don't recede

I'll be patiently waiting
Until you find your reprieve
It may have been ill conceived
But it's what I know
And choose to believe

The reason I left was not of your being
It was that side of you kept well hidden, not for seeing
The preliminary basis of a concealed fact
A genuine warning sign maintained with tact
It restrains your hands and demeans your worth
While contemplating the test next time around that you'll see Earth
Slender body in my arms but your vision is crying
A feeling so horrible to give up trying
Dying each day to be born anew
With Depraved Heart sentience for filling that shoe

At first in your voice I heard inspirational phrases
Peering through the rain for better weather phases
Fighting and twisting to match their ennui
But you bounded through all the reciprocity
Catching the vapor updraft with that shy grin
Remembering the skin you're wearing is genuine
You march to that drum beat sounding the lightning storm
Of A cold heart blowing in the wind, unaware that it's warm

So in breaking your heart you'll hear love again and take flight
Prance with every step and paint a newly blank canvas full of fight
The part of you crying, "missing puzzle piece hidden in plain sight!"
Is the very same light within you I've seen shine so bright
And know I came to realize by the end of this night...
The next day and Tomorrow are yours to write

I first felt the ferrous fissures
Delivering shivering quivers
Down my spine
As each chime took the light
Outside of our present days

Then the shakes grew into tension
My naked, sobering suspension
Was left never to mention
Nor whisper what I needed to say

And when I asked you of this
You withdrew so quick
I only had time to trace the lines
Of your escaping shadow

Holding on to tentative strings
And all the small things
You left for me to find
The same gray forests of signs
And silent ways

Designs you used to craft and convey
With clever ease
Laughter beseeching my thoughts
Silence now haunting my dreams
These memories are now
Presently looming
Cold coniferous trees

It's not as if I can pretend
Like simply taking paper and pen
Could possibly remedy this
When I have to look down forever
At the ink staining my foot
Ankle and wrist

I'm convinced that I created this fate
Because it seems in this picture frame
I'm the one who made a mistake

You carry the hate in your heart
like it's been priveleged to you

My misgivings have now adopted
the persona that I imbue

I faced the other way as we faded
when you withdrew

You suffer daily
and face this struggle alone

Claiming everybody abandoned you
and did you wrong

But you don't lose me
Like I've told you all along

This love of mine is captivating
Like fiction
In the evening my wish to the sky...
An ultimate depiction
Of love with grace
A high with no addiction
Limitless bounds and...
No lingering restriction
happening to wander by

I wish to enrapture her
with intoxicating cheer!
My gaze shall never refrain
and certainly not leer
So I ask you please...
Don't ever let her shed a tear
This girl should not cry
My last request...
Grant her sheer
Blissful peace
Her story is told in rapid succession
Yet with her pace there's no timely regression
She continues to fly

Sinking on my knees...
Head bowed to you who listens
I plea...
Don't relinquish my love
Only save her from me...

*Her parents warned her about drugs on the streets
But not of the ones with brown eyes
And heartbeats

I'm tired of writing poetry for all the desolate disgraces I see in this world. Homeless hit a peak of 2.5 million children country wide in this land of opportunity. How are you supposed to survive with no role models or daily inspiration? The lessons you cherish are when your next meal arrives, not waiting on your pension. Suspended through the thicket of all this strife, and they are the ones who are grateful day and night. The smallest hospitality does not pass through their ears while comfortable in the heat you're deciding which brand of beer to choose. Intoxicate yourself like your problems will just vanish while a little girl no more than four begs strangers for a sandwich. Then blame the victims for stealing your bits of gold, when all they wanted was a blanket to keep out of the cold.

I live for revenge
I think that you're passionate
Convinced that I'm already dead
Lavish and debonair
I'm in debt to the devil
For sleeping in His bed
Your impeccable guile
Compliments your style, mon frere
It's signed in fine print
From blood that was shed
Clever opponents notice fault
By words that they said
The shell of my former self
Now resides in my head
But there's no truth to the rumors
In fact, you're my favorite undead!

All that's left to cleanse my plate
To feed my greed driven palate
It's as though bountiful boisterous
oysters flood the palms of your hands
Is the life of sin reflecting this malice
You've got a natural talent
Filling my cup with fresh debauchery
In return for empty, eternal youth
Sometimes God has mastered His plan
And infernal immortality

There's no glory
To the story of Dorian Gray
You lack a certain pride
Replacing a soul for a void
An earthly presence inside
An endless hole for a voice
The essence to express yourself
With nothing to hide
An eternally bending road taken by choice
I can't decide if you were blessed
Or just took the lesser divide

For I touch those that I love with lust
All I know is when I look in your eyes
The left hand reaches, covered in dust
I'm taken for a ride
The rusty right preaches and rushes
We're so close even though
There hasn't been much time
Boasting dangerous anger
Strangely deranged
From making better strangers
Out of envious pushes
And I hope to know you better
But it's though you're never mine...

I sold my soul for no recourse
The door is closed
The window shut
The home divorced
The deal was wrong
The girl is gone
She left me short
So run along, you best be on
It won't be long
I'm after yours

He thought long and pondered why
Tricking snakes are composed of rose's vines
It's been once before he heard this rhyme
"Can a clock truly erase the time?
When time is but a fabrication set in line
Midnight strikes once if we're lucky"

..and he's heard the chime

He's saving grace, but who is it for?
An open window reveals the closed door
Sat alone with Poe, and the Plutonian shore
He never implied, yet yielded more
And wary now that once before
His heart had sung
But nevermore

He thought

'I must be in a dream.'
Doubting, feigning, proclaiming this obscenity
Yet still burns the daunting question..
*'Famed whisper, play with me.
Shame me, maim me, tame me,
let us cavort as cohorts
Ever so jauntily.
Daunt me, taunt me, haunt me,
take me gaunt and bare..
Bestow on me, throe on me,
unveil this absolutely there.
Now grant this plea, take my words with heed,
enchant this melody I doth hear.
Any jest would be cruel at best
For I truly hold this dear
Revive within what once has been
My faith in the unseen
I ask of thee, I do implore
Save me from this nevermore
Such a marvelous spectacle
N'er again vacate my receptacle
Adorn thyself as would a wreath
This world is formed of plastic
And porcelain
Yet there you sit
And breathe.'

With all due respect I'm not racist. I'm just dealing with and reflecting on what I'm faced with. Ignorance stands tall amongst all the publicized stations. People claiming hatred for what they've been given or had taken... in pigments. We should be past the point in time where it's an epidemic But everybody's creating reprimands like this **** could be different. Wishing they could make a decision or live by the revision of their manifested vision... Well I guess you can't stop fear. People disrespect what they reject then project their veneer. Maybe if you took a minute to consider why we're all here you'd find ways to pay reparations replacing base words with fear. And no I do not disrespect the effects of history. We should all carry moments of silence in reflection of our mystery. But propagating and protecting an eternal war that **** gets to me when our primary focus should be moving forward progressively. Yet you choose to react. Elevating racist statements from both sides of the track. Attacking anyone for the color on their skin sets us back. It's past time to celebrate whether you're white or you're black. Some will tell me I don't understand. They look at me and just instantly read my hand. But that's exactly the reason to initiate a different plan judging any book by its cover like that makes you a bigger man. It's time for us to stand and forget about sympathy. That word is useless when held in comparison with empathy. If you could try to harmonize then eventually potentially we could end reducing systematic projections protecting entropy. But you won't. Not for all your pride. One eye for another for what you've suffered and you feel inside. Leading towards a devastating path to divide when I've been making Revelations in my attempt to justify. Blame the present pretenses. Blame it on their wealth. Blame it on account of everyone's single mindedness except yourself! I'm not racist. And I don't have any defensive excuses. I only speak the truth so my intention is ruthless. I'm not trying to replace or defame Joyner Lucas when his claim to fame explained in the original just where the shoe fits. I'm only trying to say one thing here that is this: Your power to separate is ******* stupid and reopens the suture. Only through coming together can we pave a better way for our future.

"You can not die in a soul prison
You can only be reborn."

If I am destined to die this day
My preemptive fate is to endure
The cross's burden of the reincarnate
This cryptic incantation spurned
If not reanimated by concentric hatred
Burning within like a fire concentrated

I can think of
No better form of poetic justice
Than to be subjected to yet
Another lifetime
Of helpless suffering

Screaming at my creator
Without an articulate tongue
My thrashing heart weighed against
The pure and chaste plume of the Dove

I've already been designated
For another trip around His Sun
The vast black hole of gases
Worshipped as a God

And when my eyes meet their demise
And I'm lifted from this fable dream
I'll bare my tortured soul once again
Returning petrified and unable to scream

I wish to capture the strands of Light with vials so they'll be saved
and check this hindsight soon
Minus the pensive view as faded memories
and Darkness ensue
Intruding on my current's gentle sway

Bottle my dreams into penny-roll seams
and relinquish the dismay
It's what pain lends that builds strong men.
...Or at least that's what they say

Now scattered dreams on tethered beams
that once held the lantern
Salvation
Now dressings all withered; rotted; decayed;
-to reveal  the
Condemnation

And all the while in your mind's eye
Hundreds of miles away
Becomes the grim smile's wail
Like a dim Firefly's tail
or a fawn's capricious trail sold
So bold on it's heel!
When dawn reveals what THEY wish to convey

And if the rustling; bustling; craven;
-musical trees silent cadence disappeared
and was prosecuted, now Jaded
It was taken on volition none of it's own
and it's coy, inspiring, jubilant ways have all long since faded
Evanescence in essence entreat
Reveals countenance's yield:
Asylum or "Haven"
sealed by the messenger Raven's eternal heartbeat

I'd be content then with malice's malady
Rotund with lust for how I have dispirited thee
Hope for one moment, one moment Just
to scrape at the rust and know I am truly free
I'd ask for my kin to photograph this moment
To omit any confusion
I'd hold it close for I cherish it the most
When THEY boast of the grand illusion

And the echoes of children
Fallen from Grace
Trapped in Rapture nefarious
Too precocious for having known
this Forsaken place
Living in the Age of Aquarius

-Christopher  J. P.  Polizzi
November  5th, 2014
9:34 P.M.

There are some who choose
To hold on to their pain
For that's all to remain
Of their most cherished memory
When everything else is gone

I believe we are all innately energy. Energy can never be destroyed, but is subject to constant restructuring it's design while ever leaning towards entropy. How we can inadvertently give a part of ourselves that is then influenced and redesigned even further by the power of someone else's conscious mind, and then eventually spread so far and thin that it's as if we were never there beyond the grave as time passes. Beyond recognition. Take for example the lives we engage ourselves in. Have you ever sat down and said your name, given yourself an assessment of who you are today? Who you feel you are becoming through your actions and desires? Do you remember who you were years ago, or who you thought you might have been but had no possible way of ascertaining? We can't see the future (very far), but our imaginations allow us to dive in to possible futures based on our own self-cognitive intuition, desire, and furthermore by experiences of déjà vu. there are theories suggesting that our minds are so powerful that we send out electromagnetic impulses unconsciously which very well affect the world around us. I've had profound epiphanies like this a few times in my life, and it makes me think about my avoidance to be engaged in the present. And memory is biased towards our desire as well. We can repress our thoughts, blur years of experience, or forget them entirely. With all this said, I would like to end with a George R. R. Martin quote which concludes my belief that we are all inherently and innately forms of all types of energy, because for most, this is true.
"Men live their entire lives trapped in an eternal present, between the mists of memory and the sea of shadow that is all we know of the days to come."

Compassion is a distraction
Leaving butterflies and still question marks
While I'm smiling, groaning, and thrashing
Swimming in a cesspool filled with cruel sharks
Not used to kind remarks and the complimentary excess
So I hashtag fallacies and clever messages to make them all perplexed

Then
Come the moment of truth cross them out wave goodbye
And slash every last dime a dozen heart
If what they were saying was genuine. . .
I'd find a way
To be disappointed from the start
Pixellated picture frames hover play over dull space
When it's the only real way to me I ever get to see your full face
And when left alone in the confines of a necessary moment
I'd lead with retrospect and waste time wondering what it all meant
I forget to taste and touch. Too busy while I preach and rush
To enjoy a moment in the sun and all that noise seems to hush
The day I forgot to stop and think was the day I had some fun
Until I rewind the reality tape and press play to watch it come undone
The tale I spin runs with parasites that perforate dripping abcesses
Ravage rats ravenous and infected blood flows through cordial asepsis
Fantasizing of better times while right now passes by.
I close my eyes and kiss the sky and wish that I could fly
Fish for stockpile rhythm and dive bar singing blues
Sizing up and dicing up and slicing up the clues

Sometimes it can be as simple as simple: me and you
Until I **** that too and habits bloom I'm just a fool
Who thinks on wasted talent
The words I write don't render sight so I don't bother myself
A single dent.
My cup has run over wild amok. Belly up. Superfluous in extent
I'm not certain whether to give a **** or pray to God my soul is sent.

RE: :) Wow. My Gawd that is sooo hot. You're really so tlented! Hmu 2 c wat's up. Or better yet txt me #Spent xoxo
Until next time
Let me kno wat u ment.

...

The one who fights for a righteous cause
Will expose to sight all uncouth flaws

The virtuous society Lost regulates overwhelming
                               DISTASTEFUL
                               Condescension
Depraved citizens all contained then become cynical
                                BREAKING
                                Reprehension
A mandate or suggestive guideline to think like a criminal

Even through this screen
she manages to strike me
Her side glances and careful words
Delighting my fantasy
While saying my name again
Inviting me with the wisps
of her pixelated hands

As if tracing lines in sand
Would bring me closer
I long to compose the words to create
That shy glance on your face
I'm always receiving through the glass
The truth is you could say anything new
And I'd still be the same old mess

Fighting to control my beating heart
and lack of breath
Because I have panic attacks
And I miss you just the same
And I play dumb when you won't say it
I act surprised because
I can't compensate it
Constantly in denial when I contemplate for too long

So instead I'll sing you a song
I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than taking so long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

Because sometimes I lose sleep
While I'm too busy listening on repeat
To the music that's always reminding me
Of the night she closed her eyes
And rested her feet on my thighs
While the rest of the world was dead
We were lying together in her hospital bed

I'm fighting to control my beating heart and lack of breath
Because I have panic attacks
And I miss you just the same
But I play dumb when you can't say it
I might act surprised because I can't compensate it
I'm constantly in denial when I...
Contemplate for far too long

So instead I'll sing you a song
I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than have it lasting just too long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

So I'll sing you this song

I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than taking so long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

Spark up my cancer stick as the mist rolls in
Enchanted as I sit on these steps
and catch water rivulets while holding my breath,
the smoke entwining with secrets I've shed
all the while cherishing the thought of shared bed.
My wicked streak no longer welcome here
there's no room in our nest for this shame in my chest
I find myself nourishing what hasn't happened yet,
flourishing the tender side of my soul in the dead of night
I sit here alone not cold, for beknownst to me,
my inner vision in sight, orange cones surround the scene,
that cannot obscure moonlight, oxygen growing in trees
and all the famed whispers cavorting with me
All congenial with our convictions,
this depiction of snow Winter sent has me lifted
Every fence i lean over has only meant that I see you
Spring sprouts as a human,
your hope makes me feel new
I've hit the ground running to pick up your pace,
but not for a second do I feel in a race
We have hit a harmonious stride,
and Dear I do find
that your words are the grace in this ephemeral place
I'm right beside you smiling because home is your face

You are not coming home
You're only visiting mine
The path I've carved to the bone
With my blood and sweat
When you left me behind

We're expecting connections
From two dead cells
Yet there's not a flickering light
No prospective spark to find

I want the best of both worlds
Knowing I've driven you away
While coping with the anger and confusion That leads me astray

I don't need restitution.
I don't seek retribution.
Here I see no resolution.
Let there be no delusion.

Perhaps there's a part of me
That will always care
About what you think or how you feel
But honestly it's hard for me to be real
When the wounds never mutually heal

My heart is repealed
Until your story's revealed
Maybe when Hell freezes over
Or pigs grow wings and fly
Suffice to say

I've grown older
Fulfilled in my own ways
Chasing epiphanies and revolutions
I've become colder
Concealed in my own space
Now I've found the ideal solution

Simply (smile)
Give you an illusion

Today I reached for you
With a kind of virtue
And sincerity pressed behind
the design on my lips
Little realizing I was still reviling
Within my current remiss

I went and sinned again darlin'

There's little to do for recompense,
and so cordially I professed to you
all of my candid truths
With every intent
To avoid becoming uncouth
and elusive

Because... I do miss you
And I suppose I well knew...
You don't feel the same
I could feel it the instant you responded
Not the least bit concerned
Which was well deserved
Leaving me completely despondent

I need you to remind me
Just how lost my heart has become
And what that has cost anyone
Trying to reach for me
When I become undone

Somewhere in between
the real desire to reignite whatever fire
had transpired between us
With a new flame
Lay my hidden ulterior motive

Even I believed we would achieve
Something constructive
Yet my devious mind
Deceived even myself
To harness this abject,
self-destructive desire

Call me by my real names:
Heartless.
Narcissist.
Liar.
Coward.
Creep.
Thi­ef of catharsis.

Remind me of the same feeling
Delivered in your own unique way
Because I can't stand
To let myself ever forget again
This pain in my chest
Is everything to remain
It's all I have left

You claim I came from beneath the surface to your undoing. Yet you were the conservative one who told me to cease what we were doing. So assertively, who do you think you're fooling? You're like a needle weaving around in interstitial fluid. But my veins have been filled with tryptophan. You might playfully say they very well may have been ruined.

  You said to slow down and look around and check the pace of the beat because stepping stones are unknown
when made with cold feet. And in turn I took a step back to retreat so that I wouldn't confuse nor subdue the impudent snooze to my heartbeat.

  And darlin', not to be too explicit but I stepped to the side to abide when you began acting so tactfully complicit. Eliciting emotions as readily as waves of the ocean emitting their violent rhythms. But the notions tender returned to sender have now gone and split schisms exploding causing utter commotion like somehow I slipped or stuttered while muttering my notions to churn you like butter lotion.

  And while this isn't to spurn you, you're requesting my devotion when you barely know my name. So in the mirror what's crystal clear is the thin and whimsical veneer of reciprocity.

  I was adamant to prevent my vile extravagant fragments from implementing collateral damage dispensed towards anyone while I can be so relentless. It was never my intention to hang you up on a wall or leave you otherwise stranded landing nowhere near where I'm standing at all. Rather than bawl or try to break the Berlin Wall, may I suggest we take a rest before the hammer falls?

So that when I don't answer a call you don't wallow growing suspicious of my convictions convinced they aren't there or I've listed restrictions. The difference is that you decide not to believe it. Wow. So I'm not surprised your alibi won't allow you to see it now.

  I can't perceive it for you though I'm not deceiving you
if you could possibly conceive it to be true then maybe next time around you could receive it too. I'll leave that to you
for I can only say my piece. We can maybe slow down
before the throw down or we'll cyst and decease.

  Don't look at me like that last line was mischeviously written or you didn't see it correctly. I'm not an obsequious sycophant but I mean quite simply that we'll become diseased and die if we stick to projecting. Rather than rant planting seeds bitterly reflecting let's make a promise to be honest and say it directly.

That's all I ask of you KC.

Respectfully,
Chris P.

When you reach within
Do you find yourself
Descending an everlasting abyss
Or remiss to find your fingertips
Ascend past the glass ceiling
of Heaven

I find it kind of ironic
How the snow always falls
While ashes from charcoal rise

When you play with thoughts
That flood your brain
Do they elate your senses
Or bring you pain
Do you show on the surface
What's imprinted in your skin
Or leave the premise to be unwrapped
Then tossed aside once again

I began to write
So that I could know myself
And what I find
Is that I'd rather be someone else

Dead Inside

That's a flag that no soul runs to capture
It leaves you high and dry
Stranded alone
Staring down from the rafters
Wondering what went wrong
And then proceeded after
Which carries on into the very present Existential disaster

What is it that besets me
Perplexes my soul
To forever second guessing
Presetting the ridicule
And never ending questioning
With sharpened tips directed within

For my eternal conflict festering
My eager disposition
Reveals my meager position
Desperately inflicting
Conditioned precision
Leading ultimately to division

All while I'm asking why

Was this what I envisioned?
Did the pieces fit together
Like a perfect prism
Projecting nimbus clouds
Or simply bring the rain down
In my prison?

I get the suspicion
That there was no omission
While considering these propositions:

Maybe if I could be different
Then I could be divident
Blistered from the sun and innocent

Am I justified or satisfied
In all that I desire
When admitting each want
That's past transpired?

For the joys of life
Don't require far places to be found
Foreign grounds
Only offer exotic ways to suffer

But there's no coming home
When I'm pushing through alone
No one to love me while I'm alive
No spark of the falling snow
Meeting the burning charcoal
No ember
And nothing to remember
When I'm already dead inside

I am the gale of a storm
Pressed against your face
Rushing with hasty percussion
Then gone without a trace
A hailing siren's final resting place
What was seemingly a blessing
Now deceived and defaced
So easily forgotten
Already replaced

Hardly believed in
As if by mistake
The price of your faith
Fallen from grace

I leave no trace
But the remaining feeling
And with undue haste
You're set to reeling
Like a deep congealing festering wound
It's my reminiscent touch
That tortures you

But you can't recall the song
That's lost on the wind
Once it departs
To never return again

Mystery compels his curiosity,
and he's curious about everything like a child.
Revealing his ticking gears in a timely fashion.
He used to wear his passions and
his heart strung out on the sponge's sleeve,
But it only brought pain; deposition from grief

*So the gift I bereave to you from the ashes of the old me is someone honest and true, who takes chance's Pitfall into consideration. Scribing my words to you how a Phoenix sheds it's plumes. No more I love you's until I feel you saying I love you too.

"Be that as it may"
A stifling phrase
With every good intention
Wants peace to cease the cacophony
But most often yields
Dissension

LIES
Fabrics spun on the spot
So fast


An inevitable noose just winding
Waiting it's descent into particularly sensitive flesh
Pain
Internal suffering to actually bear guilt..
Of truth
Place blame
Place excuses for each web made
All things considered,
it rains.


Rain being ephemeral in it's extent
Yet always powerful in it's duration
Rain is the silent secrets that out pour
As claws dig in and tear away
Send them all out, and bleed
The only way wounds mend
Take all the thoughts
Flooding
Jumbled
Messy
Wild river...
And clarify
Cease the riptide
Guilt.Frustration.Blame.Shame.


And all the same river that creates them
Even with eyes shut
Perpetually, we are in control


LIES**


...Tell yourself that
Close your eyes
Just dream
Smile
It will stop raining soon, sweet child

Your call of love is only an echo. It's all but spent, yet I hear your intent- even with the final blow. All the talk of lost soft caresses frosts my mind's recesses. I can't help but stop and think. That moment.. is gone within the time of a blink. A soothing song that's dangerous when you sing along. It paralyzes. The compromises. Trying to hold on to what's already gone.

Time to move on. Save a breath for me when the pain comes strong knowing we weren't meant to be. It hurts now but doesn't compare with never fighting the curse. Vicious circles. Continuing a facade only made us worse. We were never really going where we landed. And I would rather die than survive here alone stranded. So carry me in fond memories that come around now and then.
                                                  
                                                                               I wish you the best,
                                                                        - Never to see you again

To make love is the very idea of conception
The act.
The play.
The romance has borne anew
Born.
Touching on the impossible, two individuals whispering
to the ethereal realm
Asking upon those who wish to occupy the same space
At the same time
Together
With yearning and passion, minds embrace the soft voice
Calling out.
Traversing into the deep abyss with only hope
that light will guide the path
Not only unscathed, but embraced
Travelers who know nothing but
Their irrepressible curiosity
Instinct
Innate within and demanding to be felt
calls the voice of the child that once was.
Within two lives
Two heartbeats
Two strands of DNA
Entirely new life


*And the echo to come of creation

There are fleeting patches of light
Within my confused and idled mind
What once was abundant with mercy
Has now presently been confined
I find myself
Picturing the worst within the frame
Yet not wishing to let those wild thoughts
Go about Untamed

Its like a game you play by yourself
When all the lights are out
In the dark without a spark
And no one to call for help
Is this the conflict of a broken promise
Or simply present tense
Am I justified within my suspense
Or should I rather...
Attempt to condense

Even though this makes sense
It could easily be that or the other
Don't get me started on the similarities
Between interactions happening
With she
And my distant mother

I don't wish to smother her
Only desire my peace of mind
I'm determined to soothe the fire
Before leaving everything behind

I don't want to call you a liar
But its where I find myself treading
Like that one event suddenly made a dent
And fissures started spreading
Like every last thing could be a deception
Manifesting what I believe
And I don't think I'll really get to know
Is it you
Or is it me?

A sailor well knows while far away from home
To slowly lower the brim of his cover
Hold fast, and swallow his pride
For to display pointless emotion
While with faithful, intended devotion
In the middle of the ******* ocean...
Can only lengthen the great and terrible divide
He hides his chagrin, well versed
Sticks out his chin, lets out a curse
And simply lets the time pass by
The burdens back home he must face alone
Because he simply cannot be at her side

The borders of insanity with every last calamity
Only strengthen his stubborn resolve
For the smile on her face can't be replaced
So tirelessly without rest he does his best
For not to allow the world around her revolve

Every mile that tries to cheapen
Her now bent oblique belief weakening
Misleading, deceiving grievances on repeat
Hours spent askance with no chance for relief
Are all accounted for and held seperate
For soon he comes back to find her
Her sad eyes a gentle reminder
And that reward has him addicted and so desperate

Don't ask him why he has no alibi ready
Why he would rather die than break down
This life at sea is rough
And unsteady enough
Without her being around

So when he flashes you that grin
Do not think it disingenuous
There's no convoluted, contorted distortion
Or disproportionate sentiment carried within
Its only the aftermath from living this life of sin

This rocking boat will clutch your throat
And bring you down on your knees
For we understand love that's torn
And know to never get too warm
Because sailors aren't born, we are forged
Within the depths of harsh winds and roiling seas

As simple as can be
Will you really see
Or am I only coloured
Less than me?
As simple as can be
Do you really wish to know?
Or would you rather be
Entertained by a show?
Well..

I am not simple, as eyes deceive
I am a being expressing prolific glee
I am effervescent vapor and bio-luminescent glow
I am the petroleum covered mocking crow
I am unrelenting desire to know
I am of the past-reflect on woe
I am content with this now and resume my flow
I am the journey of a star's light
I am why snow can fall on a cloudless night
I am all that was and ever has been
I am the paradox with the Cheshire grin
I am the relapse of the eldest fear
I am the softest touch of a hand held dear
I am fantastic vivid details
And every one is genuine

As simple as can be
I am humanity
I see you
Do you see me?

The Power of Change can make you deranged
Whether be engaged
or Fazed
Simultaneously enraged
A predisposition that is conditioned to ears
That really Listen
Hymns and silent prayers
Vocals from the ditches
Hissing and Echoing
Pray, loud while we discover right now
Become well endowed
Or disemboweled
By a psychotic mind state
As the crime rate lengthens it is our time to strengthen
That which is inside
For cowardice and pride
It's a lie
Take what is mine
And slam forward through the doors
Winding down time

We started with our wounds and hearts turned askance
The dance began and turned to romance
Lying in the day sharing fantasy
When night fell bearing truth a sight to see

We grew and we bonded and ranted and raved
We sung and we shouted and cuddled and played
As the days went on I grew more dismayed
The fault in our stars had arrived, and there it stayed

So I cursed and screamed and pleaded and prayed
I reasoned and bargained and schemed and delayed
It wasn't long before you were exposed to that violence
So I made a decision. The last step was to leave you in silence

My love is more than passion
It's the connection and rapport
It's the manifesto cut in stone residing in my core
I will protect you and save you before you bleed any more

You are with me always
Though it seems i can't stay
I will see you always
As the one who got away
I will hear you always
Though not by the sound of your voice
You are missing to me always
As I did not give you a choice

I love you with all my heart
Which is why I have long since known
My life is a war that is tearing me apart:
The battle i must fight alone

You question me with insipid candor
As though it was worth an answer
Repeat the same deeds with silver tongue
A talented, insolent dancer
Do you not see the ripples and wakes
The wan smiles pasted on your son's face
Reflect just once on your mistakes
The painful sound your cadence makes
Crashing like waves as it's always been

I am forced to wayward roam alone
To receive my only splendor as obscene
I am cursed to despise anything my own
Until only perspective renders me clean
The strength within is all I've sought
Through years of patience finally bought
Destroyed in a second with one wrong thought
So I hold fast to what my numb heart has wrought
Wash away, and never let you in

Perhaps one day you'll breach the shore
As a man who relishes in serendipity
Abandoning everything else for whom he values more
Who trades an ocean of isolation for an epiphany
But until you know a man from a mouse
Until you know a lover from a spouse
Not until you know a child from a louse
Until then I'll be waiting for you at the lighthouse
*Waiting to call you Dad again

Come take comfort in relieving your trouble
His ears ripple like puddles taking in the stories
Betray your vulnerability as a confidant
And know your armor remains a safe accoutrement
While revealing your fears in several categories

Oh the glorious lessons of love that you've known
The epiphanies and Persephone violets that you've blown
The heartache and strife behooves flowers once sewn
With only the reassurance of knowing you've grown
And how they expired to make room for Rome

And sitting contemplating in quiet reflection
The listener's gift is to sigh and admonish while offering perception
He'll ask you of switching roles and give advice
He'll conjure up any answer until the finale does suffice

Listening to your footsteps fade as you walk out the door
Until the next time you need a vice similar to before
Is one more reassurance to bring His pain to the floor
One last confirmation to cease searching for a moor
Negate the endless need for vulnerability et amour
Until there are no longer holes in his own armor

*Nothing inside to hide or frighten you
Et pour ne rien révéler sous

I'm not going to lie. I don't want to rhyme. Its 5 am and I'm thinking about how the time has been spent. How I'm now going to invent a way to be clever or crass but brass doesn't retain it's veneer unless it's polished. It stays clear. And so here I sit for the 27th hour of the day thinking of what to say, sour when my words are failing me. Where to start, I guess we could unravel the heart. I never had a problem with you pulling it apart. Because we would look inside to find what's missing. And together stitch it up with a necessary revision. And look at me reminiscing. And look at me all nostalgiac. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't miss you because I'm sick. I CAN'T allow the tears to come because it'd be too quick. I can't stop rhyming because I'm trying to say... something legitimate and embrace what you used to tell me. To recognize that side of my soul that could dive so deep. Instead I hear EVE 6 turning my heartbeat to a beautiful oblivion. And think I could distract myself from what has been haunting me since we went our separate ways. Or how you came into my mind so many times tonight... It was as if I was speaking with a familiar face. See for me understand I am a different kind of sober whale. I can't even find release while begging please and breaching the surface to just let it cease without indulging in despondence but the tears won't come and I think it's drowning me. Then I think this is so right with insight of the way we treated each other wrong inconspicuously and the burdens placed upon these lives. And all along I'd try to make a case and point regardless if it was yours or mine. I'd find value in the lesson and perplexion and what still doesn't make sense is how I'm ******* second guessing. My mind won't let me shut it off so maybe that's why I'm stressing? I had a single moment of clarity. Let's wait a moment and see if I will wake up before I sleep. Let's see if I reload this gun just for fun at what's taunting me. Let's see how many metaphors I can think of to wash away the tide. The only thing that's filled my dreams since the moment we said goodbye. I apologize for my intrusion, but it's no delusion when you and I were so INTegral there was no confusion. I felt the smallest waves you'd make and we'd come together full fledgling fusion. Diffusing what didn't serve us and make room for convalescence. But this time what I say may just explain why we slipped into evanescence. Because I just pulled off the latest trick from my belt that I fashioned as armor and wore as a pelt. But a one trick pony only has so many tickets to sell until realizing that his grandeur is his hell. So let me tell you what I know now. There's no place for me in your life. It's not right. And I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even try. I was so convinced that I was doing us a service and operating on pretenses. And now our time has passed and I'm grateful to have those fences to look over and know that I was truly blessed with something profound. Because you lifted me into the sky and I brought you to the ground. And all I deserve is nostalgia and the tears that I found. I just wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me. There will never come another like you. Not with your serendipity. One more cheap rhyme probably forms a design But I couldn't believe what I was selling. And you know Nissa that I know what it is to be a felon. So I'll go on telling the same story but I wanted you to know... It was with you only that so ever felt like home. And I learned there's a difference between what we know and what we believe. And what I know will never grant me any reprieve. I'm so caught in denial spinning spirals and trying to convince myself I miss the idea of you and me. But it's a lie and I know it. I miss your truth, our bond, and your ferocity. And that philosophy could never surmount to that pretense. The arrogant dense ***** who told you there was no recompense. There's no idea of us, only what we were. And I fantasize now of how I compromised when you were sure. I had every intention that my decision would provide a final cure. But there I go again like that filters out my impurity. Like a last ditch effort could ever comfort you now. I just hope that somehow you'll read this. I never grieved over you and very few eyes will see this.

When I brush my teeth
I wish I could rip all of them out
Reach down my throat
And drown my stomach in Listerine
to exhale and feel cold air
rolling around my mouth

When I shower
I wish the water would devour my skin
To peel it away like acid rain
So that I could be blissfully naked
And clean once again

I imagine being able
To jump out of my bones
Like a fish swimming upstream
Against the winding current
Knowing it's headed home

Because even while devising lines
Of adjectives strewn together
I vividly imagine tearing fragments
of my hair to be born again
In a plume of Phoenix feathers

If I could crack my neck
and set forth a cleansing vapor trail
My backpedaling steps would vanish
In the path forward left unveiled

If I could step outside the line
of attempted perfection
Maybe I could change my perception
And face my reflection

But the problem is
I've learned to love this Monster
Through our constant battles
So even when I'm seeing clearly
I feel him near me
Sleeping in the shadows

Is it really you?
I rejoice with this
Reunion
How long has it been?
Ages
Eons
Lifetimes ago
That resplendent smile carried so well
Whispers on the breeze,
bring this back
Illuminating without a doubt
I was carried away
I remain to this day
With each inflection
Every gesture
Absolutely!
Never gone away
I reminisce
At times with stress
The clock's laughing
Stern hands
Made me grimace
But only for an instant
No lingering duress
Indelible mark in my heart
I have missed you
Though we were never...
And will never be apart

Ash in my fire
Harness my desire
Cool my flames
This kind of martyrdom has caressed my soul
And at times i wish to be defamed
As insane as that sounds
The solid ground upon which I was standing has been shaken
Transfixed into a new vessel's identity dreaming
I wouldn't be lying if I said that I wish to run screaming
Though with the upgrades coursing my system redeeming
This thought is but fleeting
I wish to know,
do you see this flow clandestine in the making?
With only ephemeral woe,
the words I chose to toss on throes
can only meld into this conviction
For I must confess i look best unkempt
I feel that scruffy look whispers my hidden contempt
This life's diluted, sweet smiles all the while twisted and bent
Don't fret emotions spent now my dearest of loves
I hear a sigh from my brethren above
As they watch me write lines on parchment
inclined to my predisposition
Listen to me now dear, it is not conditioned
and the furthest from fiction
As pretentious as it sounds
I get shivers
With simultaneous joy
As I see your eyes glisten

There's no honor in this service
It's a ******* circus
Clowns running around with spitting wires And loose circuits
Power trips hungry like sharks in a lake
But these big fish demonstrate
Their "authority"
More like lobsters in a tank

Don't talk to me like you know
What honor means
When the value is lost
It is simply a traditional proclivity
Duty means showing up on time
Fully pressed and clean
When the pretense you must respect
Is history

I get there are brave men who died in uniform
But for most of us it's living life dying
In the perfect storm

I've got three friends who turned out dead Who didn't fight in a war
Aside from the one inside their head

People throw around time
Like it means nothing
Saying in three years it'll be fine
And then you can be something
But I'm perfectly aware of my capabilities
It's only the needless restrictions
Working circles to nowhere
They call it Liberty

Pushing down every last reaction
Until I'm not a person anymore
Just a part of the faction to shut me up
And close the door
Thank me for my service
Or just shame me for the benefits
But you do not get to blame me
For not receiving this as Genesis

I hold my breath, say a prayer
And roll the dice
And that's the rat race anyone serving
Knows as military life

Of colours in the air
Black is the darkness
and White pure light


Black the epitome of all draining sorrow
and emptiness

-Hollow

White the epitome of pleasure
and innocent delight

-Glow

Yet something always daunting
Remains to be seen
Laughing and taunting
The thin line between

Grey is difficult to [   ]
and life is *grey