Redundant sexless girl
Unable to fulfill your biological purpose
The species will not continue
- Not from your *****.
Your womb is dried up
The monthly cleanse broken
Interrupted
Your ovaries cry out-
The rain does not come
The rain does not come
The rain does not come
To wash away the old
Prepare for the
Coiling, growing, emerging
The innocence to be birthed
And spoiled by this world's evil.
Redundant sexless girl
Drained of life-giving blood
Drained of nurturing power
Drained of womanhood
Redundant sexless girl
Barren girl
What use have you?
What purpose?
What right have you to still walk this most fertile Earth?

Hurry now, it’s leaving soon
Car door slams, gravel underfoot
And from the boot
Grandmas lil helper is lifted
Oh! Where did it go?
Wind twists scarf to snake
Released from frames captivity
I stoop and tug
Under your foot, Gran
She shuffles,
Ties it firmly around tiny shoulders
Bright colour against delicate skin
Paper thin, both,
One for beauty, one to hold the blood in
And may it hold the blood in,
Just a little longer...

The train awaits,
Monstrous,
Steele stark against surrounding bush.
Matt has a sausage,
Mum bothers about tickets,
Both fuss and fizzle,
I press lips firmly together
Deciding then and there
Never to let entertainment turn to stress;
It’s more than it’s worth.

We’re to be in the engine room,
The rest will be left behind -
As something faulty.
Matt lifts Gran up;
She’s tiny,
She’s flying,
She’s in.
And then we’re all in.
Crammed.
We stare longingly through grimy glass
At empty carriages
Can’t we be in there? It’s all a bit stuffy.

There’s a fire along the track
But we don’t go any further.
The smoke streams out over forest.
And jerking and bumping,
Dipping along,
We reverse back to whence we started.
Petrol fumes and smoke fill our tiny cocoon
Here, let me help you*
Passenger to passenger,
Fellow human,
Compassionate eyes.
Gran has a seat;
She sways while we lurch.

Deep within
Railroad country
I make believe
I know something
Of the girl
Of the Plannies;
That sacred connection
To land and sky,
To Native country,
To Golden Macrocarpa

I stare over hills of tree ferns,
Kawakawa, Wheki, Punga
And, knowing no other,
I feel this land
Majestically
My own.

Perhaps I will become a waxing fiend.
A perpetrator of the nerves within my legs
In order to reach the imaginary beauty
that society has ingrained into my open mind.
Yet how can I ever fulfil this growing hole inside
Urging, commanding that I shall not be beautiful
Without Revlon mascara and tinted eyebrows,
That my diet must consist of a celery stick a day
And I must have a new wardrobe every week
- to keep in with the highest of fashions.
Do men really care if I'm wearing Gucci or Prada?
Would my restricted diet and devotion to thinspiration blogs impress them?
Has society really just given up on the love of personality,
the good old fashioned 'inner beauty'?

The fire's glow upon her skin
Tantalizing
Hair a water fall
Black cascades
Dripping down her spine
My greedy fingers itch
Attraction sweet
Temptation divine*

Just a note here
About the movie romance
which has us to believe
that a lover must be "needed"
That without the other we are incomplete
And inadequate.
I challenge you
To find the whole within yourself
Retain your own respect and self- value
Understand and accept that
We are all unique and different
And, in that, my friend, there is wonder
Joy, independence, freedom
We will be attracted to others
- but this does not mean
reality's touch will be so sweet
Attraction does not retain the depth
Of your lover supporting you,
Comforting you,
Knowing you...
Attraction is fickle
And can be enjoyed as this in itself
Watched as it passes through the mind
Knowing another with the boundary of trust and friendship,
Exposing minds, open and vulnerable,
Is a more beautiful and deep connection
Than shallow attraction's fulfillment
Because attraction does not equal love divine.
Or respect, or worth, or support.
Only you can grant yourself these things,
Retaining the strength to uphold them.

There are times to love and learn and nurture
- And there are times to be with one's own and grow in strength.
There are challenges in love
Just as there are challenges in life.

The kitchen be my prison
To which I am confined
Enslaved by my position
As 'woman' to mankind.

You have long nails
I chew mine
Stunt their growth
With nervous teeth
Hungry teeth

I stunt mine
And lament their loss

We contrast
Black to colour
Stride to bounce
Distanced to cuddly

You avert questions,
Throwing random jest
I open up and bare my soul
Honest as I can figure

Under these beautiful cloaks
We sing in unison
Sorrow and deep caring
Somehow, we understand.

Our awkwardness is equal to none
That just heightens the intensity
I explore, feet, hands,
You let me, then clasp tight

The goth and the pixie.
Who would have thought?

A missed alarm
- A hurried departure
From home to bus to bus
- To craft fair!
All handmade, all ingenious.
And reused items appeal to this sustainability-freak.
"There's not much for your kind here"
But just as I say it we spy a stall
And the goth finds Cthulu,
A skull,
An eye,
A snake with which to adorn himself
Amidst the usual background of 'Oh, he looks like Russell brand'

His cousin was riding.
Riding the plastic spastic twirl-around bull.
"Another turn? Go on, your dad didn't see you!"
She shakes her head, almost shy
But is lifted and hoisted on once more,
Smiling and giggling and kicking away.
The operator has success,
Short-lived;
She jumps right off and back to her father,
Uncles and cousins all grin.

- To cafe!
Entrance a ramp,
The outside already proclaims the spaces brilliance
Narrow hall with piano stating 'closed'
Walls adorned with old newspapers
Light fixtures are bottles
Door handle a coffee grinder
Tables old school desks,
Mismatched chairs and couches and plates;
This sustainability freak is in heaven.
The Goth smiles
"I knew you'd like it"
And even the menu provides
My dietary restrictions no obstacle.
I have a smoothie.
It's amazing.

"Judging from your case I would say you play heavy metal"
I giggle; Incorrect.
"Are you going to play for us?"
The waitress asks
We look at each other; are we?
And after our meal we do;
The radio is turned off in response.
Young children play on my violin
Their parents more concerned than I
"Be careful! It's delicate!"
We serenade the coffee and the tables and the birdie on the wall
We serenade customers and workers and the owner as well
We serenade to perfect
We serenade to give back to this space so beautiful
We serenade half in hope of being asked to perform
Of being paid to perform.
The owner enjoys; the possibility is open.
The workers enjoy; "you made today worth it"
The customers enjoy,
One chucks coins to our guitar case
A suggestion of busking
We drain our complimentary drinks and tip the coins
Wander onwards, sated, and glowing.

- To old acquaintances
Who tell scandalous tales
Of the Goth's little brother
"Tell your folks I look after him...
He's hilarious when he's wasted"
The goth queries
"And when I'm wasted?"
"Oh it makes no difference; you're hilarious sober too!"
It's truth.
No one could argue except the Goth himself;
"I'm glad you have a terrible sense of humour"

- To Opshop, closed.
And then the car,
Family bubbling around us
Excited voices clamour with stories
With news
We arrive in a field of green,
Children swinging on a tyre
An old meeting house is dwarfed
Beside the new, uncompleted
A chair in the sky
Seats white fingers
Coated from work;
Yet his is the best view.
"Uncle... Aunty... Cousin.."
Names drift into the air
I won't catch them.
"This is only a small portion of my family;
You should see the group photo!"

An older man teases
"Get your hair cut!
Oi, why haven't you told your son to cut his hair?!"
And his father expertly replies
"He can do what he likes with his hair"
His mother
"Why haven't you died yours then? It's all grey!"
Smiles spread wide at their cheek.

A bell tolls
Signals the slow meandering;
No urgency
We sit, grass beneath us
Sky above
Trees and field all around.
These three buildings so connected.
The prayer starts,
In foreign tongue
Yet not foreign
- It is the language this land first heard
Aside from sea and bird and sun
An occasional group "ah" in response
Teenagers mock; "aye"
Babies fuss,
Children wriggle
Even adults chatter to one another
Come and go as they please
Informal.
I am wrapped in his love.
And all of their love.
Lying in his arms
With sun warming me,
Love warming me,
I send it back.

And then chairs are moved
The tables to be laid
Inside this time
"Come here, you don't want to do the chores, do you?"
A crafty cousin teaches evasion maneuvers
We kick a ball,
The goth looks almost joyful
The usual "Me, sports? Eww"
Forgotten, or put aside.
Shoes back on now
"Your feet could do with some sunlight"
The cousin protests.

We eat with our hands;
For me there are oranges
And chicken salad
I put ethics aside
To sate hunger.

We swing.
The children are playing elsewhere
We claim the rope as ours.
An upside down ladder?
A missing rung?
There's more air than step.
Together we swing.

"Who do you belong to then?"
Caught off guard
"I belong to myself"
The goth smiles at my assertion
"How'd you get here, who brought you?"
I gesture with my foot
"You're so rude! You didn't even introduce me to your girlfriend! I'm his Aunty, that makes me his, and your Aunty too now."
He clasps my hand
"That's how easy it is in my family"

We serenade once more.
Nervousness closes throat
How to express oneself?
I feel small and shrunken
Push myself to claim space
- I do belong here
The love swells around me
Tall poppy syndrome must be beaten into me;
I'm trying to convince myself
I'm not being overbearing
- They want to hear us.
And they're impressed
"Oh what a beautiful voice"
"They do sound wonderful together"
All laugh as Grandma joins in
"That's Nan trying to out do them"

With Promises to jam next time,
We take the scenic exit,
Past those who have past
Past the past itself
Graves decorated with All Blacks flags,
With decks of cards,
With guitars.
Love. Even here,
Love and celebration.

- To friends
Reiki, a goodbye card, packing and kittens, markets and dinner
- The candles glow was soft,
Too soft for menus.
"I wonder why those baskets are all locked up...
Ha! Basket cases!"
We draw a piece to make Dali proud
And jest of eating candle wax
Bellies hunger.
But foods arrival prevents such oddity.
Eating pizza with knives and forks?
I decline, fingers once more.
Restaurant etiquette is not my style
Mine is puffy to their flat
- The perks of being gluten free?
And we leave them to their dessert.
With much sorrow.
"Thank you for enriching my experience here"
No, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

"Goodbye!"
I greet
"Have a wonderful life!"
A different good bye.
And we cry as we hug,
No tears, just noise.
To cheer ourselves.
"Waahhhhh"
We giggle and depart.

Surrounded by darkness
Traffic roars overhead
Rocking support beams
They creak
Pigeons shuffle now and then
A dim light is irresistible death
Beyond the trees ripples fold and swell
And I am here with him.
Our own little patch of night time
Folding and swelling around us.
"Now you're the one keeping us awake"
I cannot argue.
This moments magic is worth tomorrow's tiredness.

One more friend to visit.
She saved us a piece!
Oh dietary constraints!
Cheesecake, for me?
And delish!
Hazelnutty and chocolate!
Nutella like.
We ***** about sudden illness
About food restrictions
About fad diets
Apparently the 20's is when the **** goes down.
Our bodies are complaining now.
Maybe we'll figure out what they're trying to say,
- Eventually.
Speak English, **** you!

- To the tent!
And blessed sleep.
It's technically tomorrow now.
Well, it's today.
"Thank you for touching my feet that time"
I curl up in his arms,
And all the world is golden
This illness raises its angry lil head
And his caring melts me
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for this beautiful most perfect day.
Thank you.

I feel so far from everyone.
Isolated.
They are unaffected by my pungent aroma.
Perhaps I won't wash.
Then my smell might waft into their lives.
I'd be noticed for once.

Humans.
Essentially contradictory in nature.
Complex.
We see but a glimpse of the stranger's life.
A ripple on the surface.
A reflection of our own world.

I was angry.
He died and I was angry.
I felt no one knew the depth
Of the pain and guilt within me
- No one knew him,
How could they understand?

I was just another passer-by
All they saw was a ripple
A happy face
(A brave face)
A reflection of their own mind.

Crushed, crushed, crushing
The struggle to expand
- and my throat is closing again
Heat, hot, dry
Floats over ribs
Seemingly detached
Yet hugging me tight
Claustrophobic
- And this sickness
(I'm sick of this sickness)
Threatens to rise out
Threatens, bubbles, teases
But I'm all shut up now
Not a whisper to escape
Tired.
Brain fogs
Fingers doze
All is fuzzed over
All is removed
All is discomfort

I have a right to stand
I'm claiming it now.

Turangawaewae; 'a place to stand'
Is a deep empowerment from the land
Learnt through ancestral connection
Strengthened through ahi ka; 'keeping the fires burning'
Well, my ancestral stories ain't so impressive
There were few battles
Though my granddad worked for the air force in world war two
- As an accountant
We didn't encounter the gods or try to bring down the sun
Though when my Grandma arrived here she built up the soil
Soul of the Earth
For 70 years
As the city sprang up around her
And my mother aged 11 played follow the leader with a goat in the next door construction site
Where her house is now
My uncle found an old mans false teeth in a cup
Climbing through an abandoned house
My aunt visited James K Baxter's Jerusalem
She wasn't a fan of his poetry
But his wisdom spoke to her
My other aunts jumped through the neighbours trees
Who threatened to shoot them
My father followed my mother here
After her O.E with my sister in the oven
He ******* about John Key as much as anyone
And praises this land; it is home.

I stood on a windy cliff surrounded by pohutukawa and learnt the whisper of the sea
Roughing it on an island I tried determinedly to turn into a pukeko
I got my first cut, bruise, scrape from this land
My first breath, poem, touch of a violin, my first kiss was here
I know the rough patches, the fringe scene, where the best soil is
(It's at my grams house)
I know how to spot a drug house, which cafes will let us jam, where the open mics are 5 days of the week.
I know Kirikiriroa.

My fires have been burning
And I have a right to stand
I have learnt through my own evolution
Through Janet Frame's railroad country
Through a history
Cities growing and spreading
They weren't just here
As it has always seemed to me.

The countryside, what was here before?
Landscapes of forest and mountain
Familiar yet unknown to me.

When I go away I will know the difference
When I return I will know this land
The depth recognized through contrast
Defined by difference
As the sun and moon complement
Light and dark
Sorrow and joy
And,
As in yin and yang
I will know nothing is completely separate.

When I go away I will know
So fully
And I will return and say:

This is my place to stand
My turangawaewae
My Aotearoa

Can I breathe?
Just.
One Question.
Everything closes in
I am hugged
In the most uncomfortable way
I am hugged
Cuddled
Stifled
Can I breathe?
Please?
Just. One. Breath.

It sears red
It sears
Across my chest, bursting through
Charging out into shaky hands
Sharp voice and dark eyes
Deadly, I hope they are, deadly

That people are so cruel
Inhumane
It's beyond my comprehension
That sick pleasure
Sadists.

What's it to you
*******
Were you abused in kitten-hood?
Did it teach you to pounce?
You sharpened your claws
But your teeth are broken

And I am just about ready to snap that little neck

The dictionary was our savior.
We turned to it when straits were dire.
It gave mystical advice.
It absolved responsibility.
Well this time
This time
It told me to jump into the abyss
Disappear into the ether
And tempting as that is
A release
An erasure
A finality
Tempting tempting tempting
I know how much it would mean to you
So I resolve
To only visit temporarily
To make my escape brief
- And return all the more brighter
Refreshed and gleaming
Restrained only by human form
Oh severe mother of mine!
To pin me to this physical form!
And merciful father!
To birth me unto being!
One day I will transcend
But for now
A brief escape will have to do.

I fell in love with the meaning of Janus
Bing! Gone!
I'm a fuzz
Transient ~

I know that I feel...
ZWOOPDEBOOP
DAN DAN DAHHH!
Waaaza!

What am I feeling. Doing?
Looking for comfort
Distract me
Heal me??
I can't sleep

I have long beautiful nails
Bourgeois!

He touched my feet.
I don't know.
I like cuddling people.

Just for fun...
Well, it's probably not fun,
The veil of ignorance
C
R
A
   S
    H
      E
       D
Is anyone actually happy and content?
I think we're all broken and sorrowful,
Enjoying the little moments.

Maybe it's where the stars are at.

I'm scared. Terrified.
The only seat that does not have a seatbelt in this coach is mine, the drivers,... I'm not sure what that says about how they value their employees.

Three more weeks.
Four more assignments.
I count the days
I try to focus.

I sit. In front. Of. The Screen.
I read. I click. I type.
I Ignore. The Fire. Spreads. Over. My Chest.
I Ignore. The Fire. Sits. In. My Belly.
I Ignore. The Bubbling. Rises. To Taste.
I Ignore. The Hand. Squeezes. Ribs Closed.
I Ignore as the hand grows larger,
Squeezing torso
And throat.

I ignore. I ignore. I ignore.

Until it's too much.
Sit back.
One line.
One measly little line.

Check phone.
Listen: calm song.
Check facebook.

Back to it.

I Ignore. The Pain.
I Ignore. The Tears.
I Ignore. I  Ignore. I Ignore!
***** this.
Click, click, click.
All shut down.
All packed up.
All despaired.

Because everyone’s little light extinguishes.
Some fade, some disappear without warning, some glow brighter and brighter until they explode.
But at some point, we all pass on. We all leave.
It is a curious reminder of the entropy of life – and death -
When someone chooses to extinguish their own light.

She likes him.
They cuddle.

He likes me.
He's in agony.

I like another him,
Who likes me in return.

He touched my feet,
Ever so soft caress.
I dissolved into light and dark
To be awoken by the shaking of heart break.

He asked her for space
But in the moment of meaningless
She reaches out a pinky
Clasps his
He shakes, eyes wide
Repeats
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
Holds back nails
Which are hungry for flesh
- holds back
Flesh
Hungry for detachment
Sharp pain
Removal of self

"I feel stuck"
Trapped between sorrow
And a desire for comfort
And a desperately needed boundary
- so her heart isn't dragged along too.
But she reaches out and holds on.

And he holds onto me
In minds eye

And I grip another's hand firmly
And he squeezes mine back.

Two 'shes' becoming 'hes'
They were beautiful
And open
And vulnerable
And guarded
It captured me
But they didn't reply to my email
Or accept my facebook friendship
Instead I was left with glorious inspiration
To be open
To be vulnerable
Arms wide,
Embracing change,
To follow my truth
As they followed theirs
Strong, defiant, knowing.
They were on a journey
As I am on mine
And we glimpsed each other
A hint of expression
Behind different steering wheels
Yet it was enough
For me to be touched
For me to remember.

I have a vision
Of a future
Bright, joyous,
And the contrast of sorrow
Children skipping, giggling
Darkness and light
Musical notes drifting through
Dramatized passion, hilarity
Nature surrounding
Encapsulated in cobweb of love and support

Unfortuna-mentally
I am at once terrified of settling
- being tied down
Losing independence, individuality
Missing dreams
- at once terrified
And at once yearning
With all of me
For a family
For a dream of forever
To settle and begin such a masterpiece
To commit to
And be certain of
The depth there in
Something more important than me or mine
To dedicate self
Surrender
Sacrifice for
And again such a venture requires a partner
Who shares the dream
Enriches the dream
Supports the dream.

Contradictions, aren't we all?

Or am I just yearning for the erasure of self
Through divine love?

Aah~ maternal instincts!
Life of mine,
Live out the step you're in
Young one
Before you yearn and plan for the next!
So fresh and yet to begin
- Society's great work machine awaits
And the experience of other lands!

Life of mine,
Live the experience of now
Fully
Grow all the more for it
Feel each pain and joy
Clarify mind
Build strength of self
Claim a sense of identity
See where it takes you...

A leaf falls
Brown and wrinkled
Starved of it's trees sweet nectar
A leaf falls

And while they are shedding their summer cloaks
We are adorning ourselves with scarves and hats,
Gloves and mufflers
Shivering at their barely clad skeletons
Huddling around their burning flesh

A leaf falls
It twists and dances in the wind
joyous at it's freedom
joyous as it plummets to the earth
Nourishment for it's mother tree

We watch and marvel at the beauty in the entropy
At the renewal that comes with destruction

A leaf falls
A change is upon us
A rebirth into a crisp and clear world
A leaf falls.

I think I’ll drop guitars
Watch them fall and crack
Strangers would pick them up
And pluck a broken tune
Upon their broken necks
And sit with broken bones
Singing broken words
Their minds broken long ago
By ******* politics
Crushing voice and body alike
Breaking bones into conformist shapes.
Their broken dreams
May yet be given
Wings of grace and flight
Their broken eyes
Might just yet see the light
And perhaps,
Perhaps,
There’s still some hope
For these bones
To heal some.

I flirt with falling
Weightless in the illusion
Catch me, air
Catch me, trees
Catch me water

Dangling over ripples
Interrupted, they scatter
Soaring circles
Arcs in time
We are interlocked, intertwined.

"It's like titanic"
But I'm the only one with my arms spread wide
I shuffle my feet closer to the edge
All is emptiness
And fullness

"I feel like I'm floating"
Two smiles hover either side
The third has found solid ground
And my favourite people in all the world are here
And scattered in the other-land

Left behind:
One *** ***** of foreign species
One single-authored message
"He stole the paper back"
Eyes are anxious caricatures
But that's just how he do.

Under now,
Earth clings:
"Don't leave me again"
We serenade our climb
With discordant harmony

This is a poem for the inner trying to get out
For yearnings and desperation
Surrounded by cardboard furniture we sit
             With silence
                 And serious expressions
                             Business-like.

Perhaps I will set down a lyric after lyric
About the clicking pen
Scribbling over paper
About due process
Convention
Eyes avoiding eyes
The building of a wall.
Our windows all have shutters now
We begin to close them

A whispered
Bridge the gap
Is stifled
Pushed away
Drowned
In proper formality
Small talk barely satisfies.

Suits,
Mr Smith,
Suits.
Let us be quirky
Oh fellow human clone of mine!

Let us dance!

Nothing is certain anymore.
I used to know: I miss knowing.
I had decided he was the one.
Forever. For ever. Everlong. Everlast.
But it wasn’t everlasting.
And now?
I’ve lost the partner to my dream.

Begin again. Start once more. All over.
New introductions: new dynamics
It’s all different.
Unsettling.
Exciting – I’m thrown off balance.
Soo much to learn.
What’s beneath the ripply surface?
Open up, prise to sunlight; I must see.
Figure: are you the new ‘one’?

A replacement?
A new dream. A new adventure.
A thousand ways to see the world.
Perspective dominates so much.
I think we come from similar mind
- But unless you speak I cannot be certain.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Mmm… I don’t know”
It’s a gap
Between thought and mouth
- I’ve been there, I’ve felt it.
We need to build a bridge.

‘Put your trust in me, I’m not gonna die alone’
I don’t want to. Not alone.
I need someone to accompany me.
I want a family.
Who?
It feels like time to settle in.
Who?
I’m tired of this game
This uncertainty
Either let me be alone
- Impossible for me, I know:
I ***** too much up when I’m single.
Yet there should be growth there.
- Then let me be with the one.

I know there is no perfection.
But imperfections may compliment.
I know it takes work.
Communication.
Sacrifice.
Energy.
Time.
I know difference must be respected.
I know connection is of most importance
- Or perhaps a close second to support.
And love.

But love grows.
Even arranged marriages fall into love.
Why not choose?
The one with the traits
The dynamic that is desired
Love will come
It always does in the end
So long as resentment does not dominate
The dynamic is soo important!
And the lifestyle
- What am I willing to give up?
What does he desire?  

I’m over this dizzying romance game.
I’m throwing the towel in.
If not him, then someone else close by.
Because I’ve always had too many options.
And before that made me scared:
Given urge to ‘play the field’
Taste all within range.

Now, now, I am tired.
It’s nice to know someone’s intimacy
Exploring beneath the cloak:
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
I know it takes time
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
But trust me. Please?
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
Coz ******! I’m letting you in.
And ******! I want to show you my world.
And to see yours.
And when we escape this place,
Maybe just for a day or two,
But when we do,
It’s fricken beautiful
And we’re beautiful
And I know that.

Please. I want to fall into love.
Why not with him?

Thing is. I wouldn’t usually even try to figure this one out.
She’s so different.
So special.
And I get nervous.
The butterflies take away my eloquence.
They make me stumble.
And with her I would stumble anyway
Because she comes from a different mind
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand
She humbles me.
I’ve hardly ever felt so humbled
It’s like she knows.
Her perspective
- I wish to taste it
But the butterflies
- And there’s this wall there
I’m learning
Please be patient
I stumble
- We all stumble
And you humble me and I stumble again
Your achievements fill me with pride.
And they’re not even mine.
Pride and happiness for you.
Because you deserve it.
You deserve greatness.
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand.

My band-aid falls off
In heavy rain

Alone,
My soul is drenched
Wringed out in sun's embrace

As storms gather
I place a new band-aid

If it doesn't fall
In the tumult
I'll rip it off
And toss it away~

Dear diary,
Today I was inspired
See, for me they'd conspired
I've finally got the attention I'd desired!
And it's from that particularly dashingly gorgeously fabulous man!

I'd felt so alone
All I could do was moan
Even though I had a mirror-like clone
See, we weren't all that close except in physicality and proximity.

But now I could scream!
- with joy, I mean.
Oh I've been covered in cream!
Such beautiful, fabulous, marvellous and wonderful involvement as this!

His friends they remark
"Oh, what a lark!"
As we frollick in the park
And I haven't figured it all out, the why, the what,
It's not as if it bothers me one jot,
It's just,... well,
That dashingly gorgeously fabulous man,
They like to call him '******* Stan'.

With whispered complements
Sootheing scratched hearts
We held each other tight
I curled into her clavicle
I've slipped into a real life romance
As beautiful and tortured as the novels describe
It's fantastic.
I love it.
Well,, there was some kissing.
If I'm honest, quite a bit.
But obviously there's more to it than that.
See, she's amazingly awesome
Poetic nonsense can't capture it
It's one of those things
All full and complex
All beautiful and rich.

I have a chance
Not chance
Opportunity

See, I’m learning to assert self
To claim space
And here is the time
The place
Ah, excitement!

Into my own power
The start of something
That’s what the cards read
Let’s start something!!

The reckless within me is chattering now
Infatuated curiosity peeps
What will happen next?!

Maybe I’m a drama queen
It riles something within me
Oh hit my spot!

Temptation divine
The danger of it all !
Freedom ~
Ah, life.
Ah, me.

Here we go
Abundance galore

I somehow feel that life isn’t real.
There are fragments, I see them separate from one another –
Yet they’re all so obviously intertwined.
Apart apart apart.
Everything is set apart.
Connected yet not.
Perhaps a tree has fallen across the lines?
Its blocking the signal.
Interrupting the charge
Yet at the other end people still hear it-
Oh they hear it alright.
But it was passed on without my knowledge.
Passed on without any inkling, or desire, from my part.
And the effects are there -
Perhaps a spark jumped across just as the tree came crashing down?
Perhaps.
The other end heard the call.
They heard and they picked up.
They responded accordingly.
So when I stumble in, ready to deliver the news -
Or not deliver, to dance around the subject-
They grin and say “oh, we knew all along!
Did you think that we’d approve?”

Shocked, I stammer, pretend it’s fine
As though there was nothing wrong with that line
They giggle behind their hands in evil glee
And proceed to talk of someone other than ME
“Did you know; SHE’s pregnant?!!”
They haply yap,
Merrily waving at the poor chap.

So apart - yet so close!
The parts of my world intertwine
And sadly I glance around
As their mouths flap and fingers waggle
Oh! What marvellous company I have found!

Because it's the little things
That mean so much.
We've just got to be brave enough
To take that step
And bridge the distance.

I was sitting in the bus
Tears held back.
They smiled at me
They gave me paper cranes
Made from bus tickets
They reached out.

He was  brave face, drowning
I paid it forwards
He took my offering
"His name is Scruffy"
No questions, just acceptance
It felt right somehow
He hugged it close.

A line of strength and support.
A hug, a smile, an invitation.
An open ear, a look of compassion.
- Something to show that we,
Other humans that we are,
We care.
We see your suffering and
We care.
It's these
Tiny.
Little.
Things.
They bridge the gap.
They mean the world.

I stare through the binoculars that border my world,
my life,
my mind.
The steel rims,
walls which encase me,
limiting my sight,
my thoughts,
my knowledge.
I yearn to reach out,
to push them away,
but without them I fear I will no longer be able to see.
I feel blind already,
stumbling through my darkened doorway
to the conclusions my narrow mind rests upon.
Stumbling to the same perch,
although the route has changed,
although the facts are different.
The same limited view.
I wonder; when will I see other dazzling landscapes?
And, if I do, will I be brave enough to relinquish the safety of my curtailed vision
for the bigger picture,
a bright overview,
instead of my fuzzy focussed spot of knowledge.
Oh, binoculars, your safety is hindering.

The moon is shining,
Doing its utmost to raise werewolves
Fireflies are stuck up there too
Sometimes they flicker out
They begin to cry
Tears pouring down
And not man nor beast but wind howls now

My little slice of the world's diorama stage
Is full of drama and love and sorrow and beauty
- And here I am
Tasting other people's feelings.
Letting their honey drip and slide
As ecstasy through these veins
Positively high on the depth of these windows
I perve at lives that dance in poetic sentence
But they know the blinds are open
And sometimes, just sometimes,
They catch a glimpse through my own
Hearts full of same excitement
Curiosity
Satisfaction
As they flip through my pages

A spider web of support is forming around me.
All sticky
I'm part of it too.
A strand or two
Joined to other crazy amazing strands
I wonder who the spider is
I hope it's not trying to spell
I hope it's binding us with its strongest of web

We hold each other.
We hurt each other:
But we nurse it back
We pull the pieces together
And lift each other up
Shine shine shine

I have an abundance
Friends, creativity, excitement,
Jiggling beside me there is joy
And sorrow
And today I woke up feeling happier
So maybe things are on the rise

There is hope.
There is something.

All the bugs
That attack this web
Spoiling our architectural brilliance
Will be eaten in pay-back
And cruel resentment
And we shall carry-a-on
A spinning along

Dear diary,
I'm forever lopsided.
It's as if one side of me has gone to market,
And the other side went all the way home
And the rest of me is all caught in the middle
Torn, divided, uncertain
And somehow this is all set to the smell of roast beaf.

Pt 1.
These thighs I really hate
See, they have far too much weight
They wobble too much, they're not at all tight
They're not as small as I would have liked

I'm the midriff, and I'm much better
Skinny and toned and shapely
From ***** to hip,
I do look fit!
Them thighs got nothing on me.

Yet what better way to move about
To run and dance to 'twist and shout'
Without them I'd surely lose
Without them I could not move!

Now I ought to see this more clearly
For a long sickness has beset me
And I have been the weakest link
Im holding you back - don't you think?

Pt 2.
Oh stomach you're a constant pain
Though I know you're not truly to blame
But, at its very worst,
I, thighs, have been cursed
I cannot do my duty

Now ruled by your various aches
Oh tummy! - Just let me run for Christ sakes
Such a simple thing to miss
Deprived by your fetid sickness

I'm just trying not to let you stop me
From enjoying life as I ought to be
And I know that we all suffer
From some something
At some time or other

You turn food to energy for me
I can't do anything quite so tricky!
You see each and every part takes its toll:
And each and every part makes up this whole.

"Temptation... Please never end"
The world thus explained, defined
- At least if I cannot control
I can understand!
Ah blessed interest!
Curiosity on a high,
Connections sparking
You hit my spot
*Deep

Today I met...
A man with sea blue eyes shining from fiery hair
I said "you should be a pirate"
Then Effie piped "Let's turn this bus into a ship"
He mined for gold in Australia
Working 12 hour days and nights
Visiting home he found bad repute
In Coromandal's strong anti-mining activism.
He complained about the packaging
Of the tourist L&P; ice-cream he'd bought
"It should all be cardboard and wooden spoons"
The miner turned environmentalist?
Did the activists hear him out?

Behind him,
A man with eyes enclosed in triangle parentheses,
A tattoo of reminder.
- Reminder that being locked up is a waste of time, of life.
- Realization that being in that crowd caused trouble. Drugs ain't the thing. And
- Regret. It caused him to care for young minds, to teach what he had learnt.
"I was only in there for drink driving" but for two years?
He left at Paeroa College, "take care",
Not hearing our "thank you for sharing"

At our transfer we serenaded
In happy gratitude and spontaneity
The pirate watched, intrigued.
The drivers; our faithful who had driven us so far
And our newly acquainted about to shuttle us forth;
They watched
'Til ye old faithful lost faith and went on with his duty
A boy stepped off the bus
Listening shyly, hiding.
My bow slipped over out-of-tune strings
Effie's voice rang true, feeling and joy,
Hand strumming, familiar and fond.
A mess of black hair from Colorado
Complained "there's too many guns"
But was a gunsmith "For hunters... I love it"

I held a rifle once,
Scared of its kick and its bite,
A man shouldered it for me,
I pulled the trigger.
Paused. Then relief.
- The clay bird flew on,
Its demise instead the ground
It hit and crumbled.

Once upon a time
There was a little island
And it wasn't a person
Because this has a happy ending

There wasn't a tsunami
And we weren't all drowned
The sun dried the land
- But not too much, there was still rain

Once upon a time
Which goes on forever
We are still young
And the world holds a promise: of joy, of splendour

Our hearts weren't torn
Our souls weren't broken
We hold hands with acceptance
Because somewhere there must be a happy ending

I want to be comforted.
Cuddled without expectation
Hugged and held
Loved
Without the need to give in return
I don’t think I have the energy
To fully reciprocate
All seems like
Some sort of ritual dance
We spin we spin we spin
Eyes connect
Words exchange
Testing
Tasting
Confusion and trickery
Intentions hidden
To be revealed later
When prize is within reach
I don’t have the energy.
Just talk to me straight
I’ll talk straight back
And say
‘Hold me tight,
Just for a while
But no longer
I tend to break hearts anyway ’

If I could catch
My minds flight
Grind into ink
Splay across paper
If I could hammer it down
Locked still and tight
Would it only show
A desperate moment
A fleeting glimpse
A window
A still life
Missing context
Missing completeness
Missing truth

And the wave is crashing
Oh here comes another
Well, this is no fun at all
To think of it!
That I wouldn't be a sailor.
Oh and again.
Up we go.
Rile me over ocean
Drown me once again.
Is this how it ought to be?
My existence has a purpose -
But only to suffer.
And it crashes!
A downward spiral for sure now
What is this cause?
Oh lofty emotion may the waves take you
And me both
I could do with drowning
I really could
Before another wave hits harder still
Bring me the calm of the depth below

Dear diary,
I get trodden on daily.
It makes it hard to get my feet from under me and find solid ground.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to stand on my own two feet at all.

I‘m falling for you
Like Autumn leaves
In the clutch of the seasons force
This world’s inevitable turning

I’m falling for you
Not just because I can.
Not just because I can’t not.
Both of which are true.
But because I want to.

I’m falling for you,
Remembering those dark sinful hours
Sweat on skin
Hips embraced by teeth and tongue
Rustling sheets, gasps and moans
Passion and pleasure and desire and,.. and…

I have fallen for you
Hoping, just hoping, you’ll be there
Arms warm, inviting, secure
Ensuring my plunge is not into the depths of despair
The despair of rejection, of dashed hopes and broken feelings
But, instead, instead, into the ethereal bliss that is love.

"let's be still"
Blared through comforting headphones
"No, no, let's dance, let's dance"
The little tendrils jiggled in anticipation
"let us join that glorious dance"
But no, 'tis not the time
Though the energy rises
And yearning, yearning, yearning
My heart does cry
- too soon! Too soon!!!
Jumping into a dance
With one foot
Does not bide well for any dancing partner
The little tendrils sighed
- but may continue to grow
Time over time over time
The blood will settle in this wound
Coagulate
Cover over
And soon
- time over time over time
Fall off to reveal shiny new
And stronger, much stronger
And the dance will be all the sweeter
Devouring
Let's be still
Let's be still
Oh still my beating, acheing, yearning heart!
**** it!
Won't you still!

Fog fog fog
Smog smog smog
Am I polluting? Polluter? Polluted?
Same ol' air
Through these lips
To barely ease this choking.
Ragged breath gone stale.

I tried not to let it escape:
Curiosity's hound was too tempting.
It raged in my self built fortress.
So then I was hunting, hunter? Hunted?
But I was dragged after that same scent
Deep in ocean's depth
Thinking only of the shallows.
Hoping for only the shallows.

I'm just trying to unravel
The knots and ties.
Sometimes we need another
To bounce off,
We think.
Sometimes another
Is *another.
Sometimes that's too much.

I wind myself up over, over, over.
Still learning the ropes of this world
But it's a new world.
Yes, and I am an old soul and stuck in other times.
It keeps turning; new world, new world, new...
I'm more than a few turns behind,
Grabbing for the rope
Tied to fisherman's belt.
It dangles after,
Just. Evading. My grasp.

Your beauty hides, it's true
'Til after most harrowing moment
Then close and real and sincere
You step forwards
Full of grace and calm.

Please stay true to yourself
Your true true self that is
Don't give in to easy temptation:
A magic potion quick fix

Underneath feelings rile and strangle
Turn stale and fester
Let them out
    Let it out
In song or poem or husky roar
Feel it fully to heal it more.

Somewhere deep down I know you
Somewhere you know me too
Connections made will not be lost
Even with time and space

Please remember I truly care
And others love you the same
Reach out, open up
To connect more truly
In empathy, they long to listen

Your beauty hides it's true
But we all know it's there
Don't lament of weak spirit
Rise up oh inner strength
Embrace the nature inside

One day we will meet again
As friends
Our connections will be renewed
With music and laughter and bananagram
'Til then tears must be shed
With happiness as well as sorrow

Thank you for the teachings and learnings

Thank you for being a part of my journey

Thank you for the growth I now hold

I lay amid dull breaths
- And loud snores,
Fake it til you make it they say
Mutters – the talk of Morpheus?
They make their way to the heavens
Maybe someone will understand them.

I’m trying to comprehend
Was it a purposeful touch?
Those many slight brushes
I reciprocated, ever so soft
Remembering my lovers face
Hoping this was okay

Things is.
She gave me this freedom.
There she was
Placing it in my arms
And here you are:
That ever so slight hint

I’d like to hold you
To give you love
To give a glimpse of my world
You’ve shown me yours
In many a way;
But you’ve left out soo much

That ever so slight touch

I’ve always had a thing about my feet