Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
947 · Aug 2014
Loss.
Tuesday Pixie Aug 2014
I gasp and watch
Horrified
As I hammer the final nail into the coffin.
We sit. Apart.
Staring at our loss
Knowing and not knowing
Understanding and not understanding
Feeling and unable to comprehend
The true realisation will come later
With crashing waves of tears
And unanswered questions
'Why?' There are always reasons.
'Life is cruel' But they're never enough.

Now. Now, we sit.
My mind already begins to wrap
This moment in a fine silk handkerchief
Labelled 'Beautiful and tragic'
A keepsake.
And sometime later
I shall unwrap it
Gaping
Marvelling
Mourning
The final.
moment.
of.
Us.
902 · Nov 2014
Tears Leak Out
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
The tears leak out
Even though I don’t want them to.
They pour down my cheeks
Rivers of pain
Is it worth being upset over?
I don’t even know
I never know.
I’m stressed or tired
Or maybe both;
Or do I actually have a reason for this sadness?
A reason that makes my sadness reasonable?
You should have a bath, or something, I tell myself
And soak in your own filfth
The sarcastic voice replies. But it’s not funny, this time
The way it usually is.
Found in the archives
898 · Nov 2014
Unscrambling
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
I put my feelings in a box
I scatter them across the page

I order them and categorize
Like I used to order stationary
Or split the peas from the carrots
Right before consuming

I try to defrag my brain
Stack the boxes all nice and tidy

But with the filling of each box
Is the finding of more feelings
Littered across the ground
Or, like dust, floating

Hidden cracks and corners:
My mind is a maze
Of feeling, thought, unexplored opinion
Unscrambling is eternal.
891 · Sep 2014
Emerge from the depths
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
The fireflies danced
On fast forward
Glittering
Over
Cast away fragments;
An underwater forest

A sudden explosion;
A creature of light
Emerged from depths
As did we
Emerge from our depths

Eyes open.
Lives open.
There’s more to come.
A whole story cannot be told in one burst
Just aspects
Tiny flecks

Let us explore
I’m throwing my window open
And breaking the walls
Let me
           Expose
                        Myself.
878 · Jul 2012
When I Mounted the Mountain
Tuesday Pixie Jul 2012
I'm so exhausted
And my cheeks are still burning
My legs are still hurting
My stomach still churning
From that slippery *****
Of ice and snow
(Frozen water, yet it's fluffy?)
From that tumble down
Poles and arms flailing
Skis skittering
The snow one blank sheet
One flat generic and invisible terrain
Rising into bumps and dips
As soon as it reaches the feet
And, of course,
From those slips and dives,
Collisions and misses,
Trips and stumbles
Where legs rise up
Offering the sky a warm embrace
- Or perhaps a better perve
At the naughty parts
While the ground gets a ***** of the other end
Perhaps it's all just a trick
Of the mountain, the land
An attraction to lure us
Into it's cold, deathly grip
A chance for it to feel our skin
Our attention
Our bums
A chance for the mountain, the sky
To be the ultimate perves
Or perhaps we provide for them
A massage with our gentle gliding motions
Our poles are further *******
A more intense, deep happy ending
Or perhaps the sky and ground
Are in coherts
To gain their perverted glee
And we continue skating
Falling
Gliding
Happy
And  innocent
Of their disgusting
Kinks
I went skiing for the first time ever :D It was marvellous fun! The snow groped me all over!
862 · Apr 2015
Marked
Tuesday Pixie Apr 2015
Snarl of blood and antiseptic
Glint off needles,
Buzz of a drill
I hover in the doorway
Anxious, uncertain

Marked faces, legs, arms
Metallic attachments
Shaved off hair
I stick out
Pure, untouched

Wave of tossing heads
Vibrations uplift
Strangers unified
I am alive
Filled, electrified.

He blends life into still forms
An exchange: green for a frame of darkness
           And,
Other worldly as it may seem,
          This
*Is where he fits
856 · Apr 2013
Scrambled Eggs
Tuesday Pixie Apr 2013
"He has one magic trick, just one and that's it; he disappears"
Is that how it is?
****
And you're gone. And he's gone.

I'm having trouble.
I tried to make an omelette today and it turned into scrambled eggs.
And I was standing there,
Giggling to myself
As it must be my brain.

****
And everything went dull,
numbed,
- And under that so much anger
And I didn't know how deep until just recently.
Or perhaps I don't even know yet.

And I met a guy.
And I think he's the one.
And I've never really thought that before.
And I think we could be together forever.
And I've never really thought that before.

And I flip from feeling crazily, happily, madly in love
And I flip to feeling crazily, urgently, madly desperate
And I flip to nothing at all.

A numb.

But I know the feelings are still there.
I know I'm still teetering on the edge
The balance.
That balance between a wonderfully happy me
And a ridiculously desperate me
What if it doesn't work out? What if I ***** it up? What if he finds someone else?  
What if what if what if what if...
And I know I just need to relax,
There's no answers gained from this repetition;
BUT what if?!

And I've been looking at myself lately,
I've been realising how wonderful I am
I've been realising how intelligent I am
How talented
How beautiful
I'm even funny!
And I think to myself
A whisper from somewhere dark and deep;
*But is it enough?
852 · Sep 2014
The Wreckless
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
So how about I do tumblr

And you do my assignment

And then we meet later

And drink wine

To counter the caffeine

That buzzes now

And how about M--- come too,

And A--- mayhap,

And we have a merry old’

Delving into the reckless

(Delving into the wreckless)

So how about it then?
And he did reply:

a) I can’t do your assignment because I don’t study Environmental Planning.

b) YES wine

c) I think A--- will be busy

d) I have to work on an essay :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( - 87 chins (also one frown)
842 · Jan 2015
Let it ebb away ~
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
Cosy, curled up inside
Overwhelmed - and ignorance was bliss
My brain muffled with cotton wool.
(This is how you found me)
When the edges inclined inwards it was worse.
I could feel it in its entirety then.
I'm trying to work through;
Let it ebb away ~
There is a sadness deep in my core,
Always.
Surely someday I will hollow out?
842 · Jun 2012
Look At Me
Tuesday Pixie Jun 2012
She strutted in
Hips swinging,
And stood in the centre of the room.
As if all eyes were upon her
She tossed her head
The hair flick suggesting "look at me! I'm amazing!"

She sipped a drink through a straw
Occasionally licking a stray droplet from its length
Smirking as lust filled their faces
- and their pants
Her tongue whispered alluringly "look at me! I'm ****..."

She gazed at them with incredible ease
Absolute confidence
She lifted a hand and wiggled her fingers at them, a suggestive wave
- and winked
Her eyes twinkled, daring "look at me, I'm irresistible"

She followed the first guy that took her hand
She giggled at the compliments
Drank his money, glass after glass
She let him strip her bare
Of the slight barrier of fabric that shrouded her,
Her naked, fragile body begging "You believe me, don't you? Tell me you believe me? Tell me I'm wonderful, tell me..."

And the sweet poison took over.
Their clumsy bodies entwined, drunken blood urging drunken desires to be fulfilled
Her drunken mind pleading for affection, pleading, just for this moment, to be adored.

She picked up her clothes
Feeling his eyes upon her
Feeling his wanting
Feeling his satisfaction, of what she had given him
- Feeling, miserably, feeling that at least he saw her as incredible, as ****, as irresistible, as... as ...
A ****
818 · May 2015
1/4
Tuesday Pixie May 2015
1/4
Scandalous is a person
A detail the dictionary forgot
They didn't have the joy of knowing you
They never will.

You left the same way you entered:
Inexplicably
Your enthusiasm caught us along
Spontaneously reckless

Always just around the corner
Cackling, head thrown back
Shocking me into hilarity
And now you're....
Elsewhere.

Oh goofy
Oh who's going to play beanie babies now?
The horses and ponies are missing from our field
The irises are blooming wild
Purple owls growl at me in the night time
All these displaced riders
Muttering "where is my niche?" over and over
As we spin
Fantails pecking at our insides.

The doorway was too small for the coffin
You would have laughed uproariously
We giggled, breaking the tension.
They removed the door,
Replacing it after.

Please shock me:
Sit up,
Hold my hand,
Something!
But you've turned to stone
And my doorway is too small
There's too much to let out
It all pushes at once
And nothing can get through
So I slowly remove my own hinges
And try to carry on.
I lost a close friend on Sunday. She was one of four of us, we've known each other almost our whole lives.
790 · Sep 2014
Wings, fur, curled up feet.
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
The faithful worker bees
Had paused for a moment to drink and reflect
-And from here slipped into slumber deep.
We climbed in eagerly,
Soaking exhausted bones,
Frozen feet burning with warmth's sweet kiss
Tiny bodies swirling around us
Wings, fur, curled up feet.
They had paused too long,
Perhaps drunk on nectar,
They had slipped.
Or perhaps,
Restless with the hive mind
They claimed their only escape.
To float in the infinite
To spiral in ripples of unknown
To curl up, small, lifeless
And be gently, lovingly lifted up
In angels' hands
Caught ever so softly
Our sorrow arisen
And for a moment
Of our own mortality reminded
- then they were flung away
to decompose elsewhere.
Somewhere more convenient.
"Let's make a bee grave"
We mused, wishing to be respectful.
As eulogy we talked of hive minds and sacrifice
Of the selfless, tireless work of the bee.

*Thank you,
For the honey
For this cup
Of tea.
786 · Oct 2014
Run from/to/from
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
I tend to run
Freak out and run
Run from
Run to
Run from again
Something within me drives me forwards

I'm still learning the difference
Between love and lust
Affection, attraction, and admiration
They feel similar

Too often I don't understand what I am feeling
Too often I don't know what I'm doing

******* things up
Breaking hearts
I'm danger.

I'm a troll in a deep dark hole...

I think I've forgotten how to be alone.
765 · Jan 2015
Clumsy Giant
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
Pt. 1
I am a clumsy giant
Oblivious to worlds below.

Outside, outside is so nice!
Awake, rejuvinate me!
Oh! The beauty!
Even the air is greener,
On the other side here
Oh living our lives indoors
Was an unhappy accident of genius
Oh to spend days with trees and grass!


-- A sudden stab. A pause.
Lifted leg reveals
Buried, ensnared in foot
Handsome bee,
Buzzing for escape
One more wriggle
And it's gone. To die.

Oh! Back we go we go!
To hide from the cruel world!
Away from bees
And wasps and stings
Such mildly inconvenient things.
- And off the bee went to die.



Pt. 2*
Such short lived pain for me
Is death for one of the hive

This wound I lament
Will heal so shortly
Yet its cause
Will surely die

The life the cost
A life is lost!
Yet my pain is all I can see

Hives collapse
Honey ramsacked!
They're fed with sugar tea

Pesticidal pollen
Oh ain't disease rotten!
The strife of the honey bee.

I am a clumsy giant...
Thinking of experimenting this into an artsy song...
760 · Nov 2011
The Hinterland
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
They stand,
huddled together,
tall protests that peirce the air;
With their shear beauty
they show reason enough,
they need no more justification.
And there, bleeding out of their mass,
mangled hunks mercilessly hacked from helpless trunks,
reduced to a pile of rubble, of rotting flesh,
filling the air with their putrid smell,
murdering the serenity with their own death.
And the perpertrators?
Long gone.
Their blades dripping with blood, oozing with evil,
their stinking motors,
all gone,
leaving only destruction and acrid smoke,
which can not be cleared,
swept away,
by the mass that was beauty,
destroyed by greed.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
Oh tooth
forsooth
you left me in my youth
of your betrayal there is proof

It's not so hard to find
It's there in the not-there kind
(It's not as if I really mind)
But your lack of existence is hard to miss

And so with a gap
A child-like toothless smile
I turn to you and haply yap
"You should have stayed a while"

Oh what fun we would have had
Eating and biting things
I didn't treat you all that bad
Until the accident that I had

And out you came
Almost gleefully
Escaping my gummy prison
Far too easily

And now I have this plastic fake
In the act of consumption
It is unable to partake
Out of my mouth it I must take.

It is not for aesthetic beauty alone
But to ensure my gap sticks around
And although I do like to moan
A better party trick I have not found

:P
731 · Nov 2011
Wishing Star
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
This is a poem I wrote when I was much younger - I think around 10 - but it has always been special to me, so I thought I would put it here.

Star Star
In the night
Why do you
Shine so bright?
Give me a wish
Give me some treasure
Help my friends and be there forever
Guide my people
Guide my heart
Help me have
A wishing start
718 · Mar 2015
Speck of dust
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2015
The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight

I'm on a different plane
Over a crystal blue sea
- yours is murky green
Yet I know you see diamonds

I died. Back then.
Amidst the chaos.
But I was reborn.

A true self?
Is this what was beneath the rubble?
And now am I a husk?
Or is it that I've been irreparably altered?

There's no knowing - but the fog is thick tonight
And there's some dust in your eye
Concern? Discomfort? Lack of recognition?

I won't burden you much longer
This tiny window you have glimpsed-
You will never revisit.
Oh if only your mind had of melted
Flowed forth and brought me that speck:
Just for the knowing of it.

Perhaps I'm too sincere.
Does it bore you?

God. I need to sleep.
715 · Mar 2016
Heart Drum of War
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2016
And the fiery haze came down
All must burn
All must burn
Devoured.
Heart drum rears up
Urges forward
HOW DARE YOU
booming through a body
Amplified by bones and skin
Amplified by jaw set, eyes hardened
Hands clenched, soul rising

A challenge has been met.
699 · Oct 2011
We Yell.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
And we yell.
Each nursing a private hurt.
A self-centred pain we believe the other caused.
And we don't pause to think about the others pain.
We are too focussed on our own sense of wounded pride.
Our own need, desire,
for the other to understand our reason,
the pain they caused.
The insults fly,
words pierce,
the pain grows until we can stand it no longer.
'Til there's nothing left but that blinding stab.
'Til we can only glare in anger, think in tears,
emerse ourselves in our own inner pain
as we clutch at our wounded sides.
698 · Mar 2013
There's too much.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2013
I can feel them all pressing down.
They piled up, one by one
And I could knock some off
But it didn't make a difference;
they just kept piling up.
I'm some sort of magnet
A pressure point
In a glacier, perhaps
- all sides pushing against me and no relief
So this ice turns to water
My composure disintegrates and leaks
And suddenly I'm not a person any more
But a puddle of exhaustion and desperado
There's too much, too much, too much.
And there's nothing I can do
But try to pick them off one by one
One day at a time, as they say,
One thing at a time.

Will I ever be freed from burden?
698 · Oct 2011
Teddy Bear
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
I sit lifeless, watching
unable to move except by your hand
no muscle to aid me
no heart, no nerves
yet I feel a sadness
an emptyness
as though I weren't filled with cotton
as though only this hollow shell of fur remains
my cage.
These eyes stare out through bars of reality
longing for freedom
to do
to be
to live.
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
Buried deep within teenage romance
And wit and strife and philosophical musings and --

He'd nudged my foot,
His face is a gorgeous grin over these pages.
I glance back to them.

The love interest rose up now
Handsome and beautiful
Charming, clever, humorous, and deep
(But did he have to be oh so middle class American??
And did she? Or I, first person as it is?) --

He's started to stroke my toes now,
Gently, just how I like it.
I'm not kidding when I say
"If you touch my feet I'll fall in love with you"
It's almost instantaneous.

A heroic act of selfless love:
Amsterdam snows confetti
Virginities are lost or traded or gifted
Heroes are demoted --

He kisses my head now,
My cheek, my temple
Interrupts with a story,
Hilarious I am sure
"What was that? Sorry, I'm distracted"
I giggle
Engrossed in the 'other land'

Love blooms on the wings of angels
(And all those other cliches)
He is perfect, yet flawed, as they all are.
As we all are.
They click and rebound and discuss
They laugh, they cry:
They try to fill a part of themselves with
The Other --

I glance up, spying on my own lover
His soft glance on the laptop
Beautiful lips
Gorgeous style
Our own joking, rebounding, enthused exchanges.
Our own supporting, caring, deep meaningfuls.
And I'm not jealous. Not of them. Or anyone. Not one bit.

Yet tragedy is ever present!
And our handsome and perfect lover
Is tossed into Oblivion:
Or to a Something's Somewhere --

"He's dying!" I cry to beautiful brown eyes
Framed with long wavy black.
The darkness holds amusement and affection.

Their perfect and tragic love is ever more so
For its fleeting 'forever'
Its lessened 'infinity':
Beautiful and fragile --

His arms are around me tight
Why am I affected so?
Too easily invested?
But it's not that.
The emotions are too close.
It had been described so well.
Loss.
So accurate.
And these feelings not completely healed
- But healing. Slowly.
Time heals all wounds,
But maybe some are forgotten, sealed away
This one. This one slowly eases.
Some infinities are larger than others.*
And his love surrounds me
As emotions leak from some deep place
Let out to the Universe
Hopefully to never return.
Referenced and spoilered: 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green. A marvelous novel. John Green sure knows how to capture grief. Just like in 'Looking for Alaska'. Luckily I read that one Before.
675 · Sep 2014
Transcience
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
"Honest to God I will break your heart"

A paper cup overflows
           Spills
                  Breaks

All is transient.


"I would have wanted to keep trying"
I know.

"Is there anything else you want to say?"

Silence.
A hug.
No glances back.
I hope you're okay.

"Honest to God I will break your heart" from 'Night of the Hunted' 30 secs to Mars
663 · Oct 2011
The Tide
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
I will write a story.
But it is not for you.
And nor is it for me,
but for the tide that goes in and out,
everchanging,
gaining and losing,
winning,
yet never reaching an end,
a ******, a finale,
spending its eternity just moving against the sand till its belly is rubbed raw,
but no pearls will be formed from this graize,
no beauty found in its torture,
only pain and sorrow and lost souls
and a mournful wind that sweeps and stirs the sea into a fit of emotion,
into a writhing curling mass which is lost to all and which all is lost to,
but nevermind, for we are on the land.

And so the sea is left,
forgotten by us,
as we live,
and thrive and jump and play,
left to its own ruin,
its own regretful demise,
maybe one day it will rise from the sand that rubs it bare,
in a wave of foam and fury,
to revenge upon us who turned our backs,
left it in neglect,
in disgust,
as we ran about in our wealth,
our bellies clean of wounds
hardly rubbed by sand,
who could have offered shelter from the winds fury,
or comfort from the abrasive grit,
and deliver unto the oceans wound
a pearl of comfort
so that it may enjoy the peace and health
which we take for granted

but then
what reason for us
of two legs
to interfere in such ruin
of a thing so different and seperate to our own
so far from us
and complete in its seperation
that we may forget
and by such slip of mind
enjoy our comforts
unperturbed
uncaring
for any suffering
or demise
other than our own.
so far it is, so far
and we would much rather stay in here
warm next to our open fire
than shift  to the rough stormy sea.
they will have to save themselves
it is not our cross to bear

But then perhaps I was mistaken.
It seems we are no longer on the land.
But emersed too in the ocean,
seemingly as endless as the pain with which it binds us
they are not so far or different as they seem
This story i tell, it is for you and me both,
but mostly for the tide, the pull, the current, the sea which has dragged us down,
and been dragged down by us
through our own lack of care and
our neglect,
is dragging us and together we sink,
drowning in our foolishness,
they are not so far from us
nor so different

We waited for them to be saved
as they drowned
if only we had stopped waiting,
waiting for the sun to rise,
to turn their water into air,
a mighty pearl to free them from the wrath of the waves
the wind which traps them in dispair
and now, in turn, us
we starve
stripped of our wealth
yearning to be back
by our fire
warm and safe
in ignorance
of their reality
and suffering,
Surely if we could go back, it would be different,
we would lend some wealth, our hand of glory
gift upon them a pearl
so they may not be so troubled
and we hear, as a whisper ripped from some time long ago,
on a far distant shore, in the haze of the sun;
*Nevermind, for we are on the land.
659 · Nov 2011
Depression.
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
The sadness grew until it became over weight and juicy with dignity, a belief that it belonged.
It hunched itself up into a mound
Which sat
Heavy and fat
Weighing on her shoulders
Absorbing her energy
Forcing her to hunch and stoop.
Where ever she went
She carried the desperation
She couldn't escape it.
It ****** slowly from her life
A leech drinking her soul.
Tuesday Pixie Feb 2015
A turtle shrinks into its shell
Then shrivels,
Grape to raisin,
Sun's warning echoing:
"Danger, danger, danger!"
As river moves from mountain to ocean
The golden arc across the sky
Soon is only a faint glow on faraway rock
- Yet it will come again
To shout it's harrowing cry
And shrink and shrivel
And round again, again, again
'Til Kingdom come
      'Til salvation
             'Til death do us unto part
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
I hope it’s okay
There are teachings and learnings here
Or something
I think pain can be good
Hurt.
Is beautiful
There are deep connections
And share-ings
- So that’s okay, isn’t it?

You remind me of Luke
A tortured soul
Deep deep feelings
I’m curious
Peel back the layers
I should have just been his friend
He needed something
But not a lover to resent
And lose

You would sacrifice
Too much
In the end it could be
Worse
Slashing. Fizzling. Breaking.
I’m cautious:
You might tip-
Over
Like he did.

Keep yourself.
Uphold your values
Your true strength is there somewhere
Hiding in fear of rejection
You’ll shine so so bright!
Glean an enjoyment from life
He did not.

I’ve  been on a buzz
Running, running, running
Covering over
The deep sorrow
Contrast to the extreme excite
Mournful
I am empty
Hollow

No one else will fill you up
That’s a love and care you have to give yourself

I’ve been trying to work through all this
Maybe you
And the reminders
Are teachers
A chance for reconciliation
Maybe the girl with the red balloon
Needs to let it go.
For a friend.
625 · Feb 2012
Thud?
Tuesday Pixie Feb 2012
I didn't want to add another one; it would tip the balance.
I'd reached the perfect place, an aura of harmony amidst the chaos that was.
To tamper with that would be reckless.
Yet I did.
As I always do.
It seemed to me to be predestined that I took that step
that would ruin the joyous innocent circle
of trust
of acceptance
of happiness
which has somehow found me at its centre.
Everything that had been had led me there
so I rejoiced in my follies and ***** ups,
the things without which I would not have such glorious company
So I took that lucky number,
that large one three -
lucky to some, especially to me -
I took it and added one more.
One perilous, tiny straw
on the end of the balanced seasaw
And I waited.
I waited for it to collapse.
To come rushing down
A rush of adrenaline, panic, and joy
A sharp thud -
The fleeting moment the body has stopped but the mind has not.
The sickening non-existent stair the foot falls through in the dark.
The startled loss of something unknowingly treasured yet treasured far too much to lose.


Yet it did not.
624 · Oct 2014
A Glimpse
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
I'm looking through a window
- The blinds were lifted
And it's such an honour!

There, there's a fish
        Darting through,
Ripples spread from each pause and flight
Ivy grows and twists and climbs,
Grasping all in its path
The ground is covered in debris,
Dust and mould
A mushroom sprouts up
Holding the door to another world
A skeletal cheshire grins
Amidst piles and piles of literature
Which, when opened,
Echo melodies fourth,
Bouncing from non-existant walls

I peer round this windowsill
This fantastical world before me
Neon and shadow

I have caught but a glimpse
And eagerly contemplate
      The journey
The continuum of
Getting-to-know-and-understand
           You
A journey never to be completed
And always changing
As we collect new treasures to display
And hug tight the old favourites
As we grow
And realize
       Our inner selves.
620 · Mar 2016
Tummy Troubles
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2016
Stomach claws at flesh and skin
"Out! Let me out!"
-- Rips --
-- Tears --

A smiling **** below ribs
set so happily in place.
Oozes across pale carpet
A trail of scarlet defiance.

To taste the world so intimately
A chore indeed.
World's inherent cruelty
Persuades you to flee.

Ribs,
Ribs hug too tight.
In fear.
They seek protection.

You, you run off.
And I sit in the corner and bleed
With care and love and hope
With sorrow and concern and dismay
With the lack of wrong or right
and the absolute inherent wrongness and rightness
Of all things.
Respect me, please.
I pain. I pain. I pain.
612 · Nov 2011
Dreams
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
She built her dreams with bare hands,
Her eyes closed
Against the constraints of reality.
She carved them slowly,
Smoothing their edges.
But she had forgotten to open her eyes,
Forgotten to make her dream world a reality.
And a crack formed;
It laced up the side of her perfect sculpture
Until it was cobwebbed and dusty.
It shattered.
Disintegrating into a million pieces.
Lost.
Fragile.
605 · May 2015
Bonus points
Tuesday Pixie May 2015
"You need to let yourself lose some sometimes"
He stated, perusing the chess board.
'There must be a way to save them all'
I had thought,
As though it were God's logic puzzle
And I was going for bonus points.

And now I see
Vulnerability is just one of the pieces
There is happiness in sorrow,
In loss, misfortune;
My high score is simply living.

I could close that door
Sheltered by white
I could dream of the potential

I could knock it off its hinges
Splash a rainbow
Risk the dusty wind howling in
To spoil - to alter -
My masterpiece.

Sometimes we have to dare to live.
604 · Jun 2013
Tick tock tick tock....
Tuesday Pixie Jun 2013
And the world keeps on turning
it doesn't mind if we fall behind
it doesn't wait.
And our clocks they keep on ticking
Ticking ticking
Because time was invented to push
And push
And push us forwards
Endlessly forwards
Into the present
As if without their ceaseless urge
We might just slip into the past
And in the turmoil we strive for a break
A lapse in time
A passage to the ether
Where we may actually be able to stop thinking
- Maybe this time we can have a break

And in the space that lies
Between thought we will find peace
Or boredom
Or nothing
The type that doesn't exist
Even space has rocks
And there there will be elevator music
With purpose to entertain
But a function to remind
That we are just waiting once again
In the space between
The place we were and the place we want to be
To remind that we are in the present.

And the clocks tick ceaselessly
And we are losing seconds
Each a step closer to the eternal dark
The white light
Or nothingness
How can we know?
And we are pushed
Pushed
Pushing forwards
Lest a second wasted is the last we use,
Lest a second wasted is the one that leaves us behind
- That leaves us without another
And time is a constraint to be obeyed and structured
And time is an allowance we forget to enjoy
And time is the rule
The non-existent measure of life
- We've only a limited budget
And it will never ever be enough
Just give me a moment
Just give me a break
The ether might yet consume me
Or maybe I should consume it;
A medication for my hectic mind
The stillness I crave is all too brief and limited and much too measured
Just give me a break.

*Tick tock
603 · May 2012
Foot
Tuesday Pixie May 2012
Foot.
How strange you seem down there.
Well, strange from up here.
Attached to an ankle to a leg to -- to the rest of me I would hope.
And though you're holding me up,
Balancing my every move,
You're mostly ignored, much forgotten,
Quite integral you do prove.
599 · Oct 2011
Love.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
It all falls away.
'Til naught is left but the inner core.
And this is where I am most fragile, most timid.
Stripped of my defences, I hesitate to speak.
Weak as I am, I will buckle at the smallest push,
so tread wary else the vibrations from your footsteps may cause me to fall
and shatter.
593 · Jul 2012
A Ray of Sun.
Tuesday Pixie Jul 2012
I woke up and there was a raging sea outside my window
The waves spitting at me as they threw themselves to their doom.
Did you drown amongst the chaos?
Did they claim your life with their own?
In any case, I cannot see your body on any shore near mine.
Nor any boat anchored in hibernation.
Good lord!
Don't tell me you tried to swim!
I'd much rather presume the oceans rage
Tempted you to stay inside
Stay Inside the dry and warm
Stay inside 'til the storm had passed
And out you would come;
A ray of sun.
Tuesday Pixie Jul 2014
"But you are never sad"
Oh Bless you, dear sir!
It's the world and its weight
That I bear so desperately!
The tragedy, not of my own,
But of all that is unjust and evil
Of the lives and dealings of man - and woman- folk

Pray, stay a while
And think of the poor
Those caught in widening inequality
Devoid of happiness,
In materials rich but spiritually lost

Pray, bid goodbye
To rainforests
The creatures of God within
Mercy to their own natures
As they are to us and ours

Pray, let us be merry
Nevermind the pain
Mother Earth is wailing
And I will join in this cry
With a howl of my own

But first.
First a drink or four
To numb reality
- as so many do, life being unbearable
My braincells have been used
For observing the bitterness and greed
And this is too much
For this young lady to bear.

Pray, God will hear you
As God is love and light
And surely he, or she, or it, tries
But we are out of bounds
Munching on our outcast apple
If we found Eden now
We would log the trees,
Drill for buried treasure,
Put the creatures on display
Behind bars
- As if it were their crime, not ours!
Or, failing these,
It would be the destination
"Paradise is just a plane ride a way...
And here is where our first sin took place,
Would anyone like a bite of the very same apple?"

Too late, no need to offer, we've been munching away for centuries.

No place too sacred.

No place untouched.
In response to a startled "but you're always happy" from a traveler who didn't know any better.
568 · Sep 2014
Yearning
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
From a perch high above
She sat.
Feeling the sad, the pain, the hurt
There's nothing to take it away
Ignoring simply leaves a feeling or empty
A restlessness
Desperation, desperation, yearning
For her? No doubt.
For freedom? No doubt.
To run, to fly, to be in other lands
- but the feeling would come too, don't you know?
Where ever you are you take yourself too.
Best just sit with this.
Sit and watch and wait.
It's just another experience of life after all.
567 · Mar 2014
Slump. Sigh.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2014
Slump.
Sigh.
The chest ache again.
But then, it never quite ceased.
Slump.
Sprawl.
The lump in the throat.
And the hope that it doesn't spill out. This skin has had enough to drink. Salty water doesn't quite do the trick, anyhow.
Glance.
Stare.
At nothing. Still nothing new, nothing holding.
A distraction, any distraction. Please?
Curl up.
Cry.
And because this mood has muddled one thousand days already, there is no hope for anything else:
Sleep.
Please.
Erase the world. That vague dark wave will crash down. Its stillness banish this heaviness. Just for a moment. A sweet blessed moment.
565 · Mar 2013
Us 4.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2013
We were quite something,
Us 4 against the world.
Us 4, because we didn't really have anyone else.
Us 4,broken, damaged, rebellious and bitter.
- But we knew how to have fun, we sure did.
We knew how to stick it to the powers that be.
We knew that what we did didn't really matter.
We knew how small we were.

And that made us angry.

Because society's system comes in a 'one size fits all' that didn't, and doesn't, fit us.
Because when you're broken and the world doesn't care and the system doesn't work and you're NOT just the average teen who parties and wears the latest fashion, when you're nothing like them, when you're nothing like they want you to be
-- When you know that the socially accepted normal is stupid and meaningless and pathetic --

There's nothing else you can do but scream "***** YOU I'M DIFFERENT" with every fibre of your being and defiantly stare into the eyes of normal as you step over their invisible little line -
And it helps a little.

But only a little.

....

I'd like to say we're still united,
Us 4 against the evil oppressors.
But we're different.
We've always been different.
And that which united us once then pulled us to different places.

And now there's only 3 of us.
And it's strange how death can reunite,
Even for a moment,
3 rebels.
It's strange how death can bring clarity
To an age ago.
It's strange how it all makes sense now.
Because I think it had to be us 4,
I think we found each other
While the rest of the world was still asleep
- And much of it still is.
I think we needed each other
- I certainly did.
And I'm glad that,
In our hate,
Our bitterness and pain,
In this we found each other.
In this chaos we found love
- Even if only just for a moment.
And I miss it.
But it couldn't have lasted.
And I miss him.
But he wasn't ever truly for this world.
And we weren't ever truly for each other.
So it's a memory now, a memory of an age ago.
But I wouldn't say just.
Because 4 rebels united against the world are truly something,
Something more than just.
555 · Nov 2014
Bowl of Oranges
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
"You make me forget all the bad things"
I'm really glad.
I wish I could say the same.
You make the bad bearable.
It's incredible.
I can't tell you how incredible.
Just like I can't fully explain this sickness.

It's physical pain that pulls my mind from the bliss of you
To the darker realms
This multiplying cocophony of symptoms
United to produce
A mystery illness
Undiagnosable
- So far.
It's pain, discomfort, sorrow, and a slow ebbing of hope
- But you, arms shielding me from the world
You, eyes warm and deep with concern
You, somehow with the right words,
When I didn't believe there were any,
You, simply listening,
You give me hope.

To be alone now could be unbearable
That spark becomes inconceivable.

You just keep me hanging on
And that's more than I could have ever asked for.

Thank you
Is not adequate
For the time and energy you have wasted
Cuddling my tears dry
Loving me as the worst of it fades
Til life is a bowl of oranges once more
A still life posed
A fraction of experience
A page of exqusite poetry
Til life is colour and meaning
And depth
Til life is more than just pain splattered red across a page.
'You just keep me hanging on' from 'a perfect day', 'a bowl of oranges' and 'still life posed' are from 'bowl of oranges' by Bright Eyes, my favourite Bright Eyes song. Thank you for keeping me company through those days so long and black.
548 · Jan 2015
Christmas with Dad
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
I heard my voice raise to that horrid and uncontrolled high pitched whiny sob
I felt your anger, guilt, sorrow.
And my own disappointment.
“This is the present” You say
“Give me the benefit of the doubt”
But I have, my whole entire life
And you’ve let it down time and time again.
“You’re over reacting, that’s why you’re sick, you over react to everything”
It chases me down the hall and out into the street.
It holds no depth, only pain.

“I’m making a compromise, just a few drinks”
You’re a different person with even a sip.
Your priorities shift
And where’s the line? It’s so easy to slip.
“We had a deal: I don’t want to see you unless you’re sober”
“Then you’ll never see me again. And that’s your choice.”
Later you tell me ‘choice’ does not mean ‘fault’
And you’ll be sober after the holidays
In another dimension an inferred guilty forever carries on uninterrupted

My mind is on its own repeated pattern
Spinning the guilt you’ve thrown away
Into a ball of yarn; my thread for thought
The responsibility fell heavy
My back is weary now
And I believed it: all is my fault.
All the burdens of the world were not mine to feel
I know that now.
I’ve had too much, too much blame
Too much mind spinning

So when he dished it out I accepted
It was what I knew.
And when he died I took it on
And don’t you dare tell me you’re any better
The stuff you threw at mum was crippling
I tried to comfort her,
To give her support
And I hid – no extra trouble from me madam, no sir!
And I hid from the monster you would become
And today I woke with nausea, pain, and a weakness of spirit
Plunged to the extremes of this sickness
I sleep away the pain; it’s the only thing to do.

You told me you’d give your life to save us
But to give up one day, just one day,
Of drinking
Has always been beyond you
Now tell me, what worth does that leave us?
Don't tell me with words - you bend those.
It doesn't add up. It’s never added up.
Christmas at dads was not so fun this year. Mums house was marvellous though.
542 · Dec 2015
We All Fall Down
Tuesday Pixie Dec 2015
Ring around the rosy
Pocketful of posy

She towered at the microphone
Heels adding even more height
Deep voice and soul
Filled with mother love
She sang proud

A-tissue a-tissue
We all fall down

Much shorter this time,
Buckled onto wheeled chair
Joy came with her
A smile, a giggle,
Joking joking joking
Then "I've always wanted to play violin"
My fiddle instantly ****** forth
But "Another day, when there are fewer people
To be embarrassed in front of"

fishes in the water
Fishes in the sea
We jump back up with a one - two -

The promised festival arrived,
No more than three days after,
But not her.
She never arrived.
She never arrived anywhere ever again.
---
535 · Dec 2015
Home
Tuesday Pixie Dec 2015
I yearn for you
Heart quickens
Each throb tugging
The string which binds us
Eyes search deep
Forehead to forehead
Nose-tips kissing
Soul knowing
Unfurling more each day
This deep yearning
This calm overwhelming
This whole we have made for ourselves
From two broken souls

And as we mend our own
As we mend each others
Your shoulder and chest become my turtle shell
My busker's chair
Your head crowns mine
Arms pull me tight and close:

Home.
530 · Mar 2016
Inner Strength
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2016
I'd like to say
"I'm only human"
And plead vulnerability
Let my strength fall

But I am made of a wick of light
That burns strong and bright
I have angels guarding me
Uplifting me

I have chosen this journey
And my anger burns searing white
With vision
With clarity

Enemies beware
Though you are simply fallen
Unaware of the bright wick inside
And I will uphold my worth

- But with compassion, see, and understanding.
Though I walk in the light,
I am fallen too,
And one day we will rise again.
520 · Aug 2014
Happy and Sad
Tuesday Pixie Aug 2014
I'm happy and sad.
And trying to remember that that's okay.
Allowing tears to fall
And angels to catch them
Allowing laughter to escape
- Half in fear it may not return

I'm falling fast.
"Hard and fast" they say.
Stealing shy glances, sideways grins,
A touch of her skin
Stealing time, giddy,
Nervous heart ticking its own clock

I'm bereft. Suddenly alone.
- And falling so soon!
For a moment he was my everything
But then forever fell out the bottom.
In these moments she lifts me up
- But too soon, too soon

And I find it strange
That in loss I am in love
for lust was never this deep
Here I counsel myself to slumber,
To heal,
Biding time.
Something Charlie from Perks of Beings a Wallflower taught me, being "happy and sad" is very much okay - opposites and contradictions exist within us and we must accept this instead of trying to choose one over the other.
493 · Mar 2016
Broken Ties
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2016
When Autumn colours your faded embrace
Leaves paper dry as your skin
When eyes peep from bags of flesh
See not what's in front of them
Will you look back and remember me then?
Will your heart fill with love and regret?
Cos you're blinded now by your fear and your guilt
You threaten to lose and reject
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
When my Spring blossoms a gift
Birds and bees sending forth sweet song
When a glow from within enlightens
Would we still not have righted this wrong?
Will they ask where you have gone now?
Will my words speak of love and of sorrow?
Cos I'd be missing you then
You're someone they'd want to know
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share
This poem turned into a song. When it's recorded I'll post a link :)
487 · Jan 2015
I saw a foot
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
I saw a foot,
In front of me,
I am sure.
Barefoot and small, or was it just the toes?
Did my mind complete the picture?

It was in front of my knee
As I sat
Cross legged in grass that prickles
And shadow leaves danced over my paper.

I looked up but there was no figure.
I stared around - trees, grass, houses, all swayed in summery breeze,
But no human presence.
Then, a comforting warmth
I make believe mystical beings surround me now,
And whose to say it's false?
They're in a circle, dancing, laughing
I am inside the fairy ring
A bee dances too,
Leading them
Then parts off; a jagged and lazy path homewards.
Life is more fun half fantasy. I like to live in magic.
476 · Mar 2015
Dr Dr, Please
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2015
Dr Dr help me help!
Thou who art so skilled
Slice me
Air out my insides
There place the health
Stuff it in
As much as you can find
Or at least a scrap
Please, a scrap
Sewn up I'll bulge
Sparkles lacing taut skin

But they hold it up
Towering above grabbing hands
I slump on the conveyer belt
Through box after box
As DING!
"Healthy"
Each proclaims
And shoves me to the next

I'm clutching at my sides
To hold me together
Sickness seeping through
To reach them
I sway in doorways
Please, who will help me?
Please, someone listen
I'm losing hope,

**please
Next page