i am the strength, the saftey, the fear.
i stay close, always near.
the one they call when things go wrong
the silence hurts, their screams a song.
the body aches, battered bruised
couldve been simple, had he refused
you
all those nights ago.
but he didnt know.
i keep them alive.
let the body thrive.

I don't think a single thing could bring me down from my high.
The rush of learning, I'm going to be seen!
Published
Known
Sure only a select few may even care,
But I do.
That's what matters to me.

dear reader
youve been up for hours
you seem so tired.
staring silently while you're crawling quietly tracing reality quickly devouring all of the star dust beyond.
you slip violently
ducking beneath rabbit holes and roots
the water rushing up to meet you
a harsh reality greets you.
fresh palm air ghosting through thine whispers of hair and the seagulls they blare a snappy tune
a cookie to grow
a potion to shrink
honestly a story
to make you think
nonsense!
you cry you bemoan you scream
where are the jokes
there wasnt meant to be any
it was ment to have a point
to make people think
the end is never the end is never the end
your twisted mind starts bickering
two cheshire cats? tweedle dee tweedle doo
tick tock
stop that clock
the small blue bunny runs far away
children with screens
implanted in their tummies
oh so yummy
so delicious
so impure
the rapture of the gods
the magic of beyond
sweet candy houses
tall angry mouses
a dream or reality
who is to say
forced joliety
joy
thats my policy
:)

some people will
tell you
to act your age

a being
who is ageless
in a temporary body

crying
because
she got lost

some can
go back
in time

to a place in their mind
when life was easy
when it didnt hurt

when they were happy

I am a child of God.
I am human.
Made in 'His' image.

If this is true, than why go by 'she'?
Why am I confined to this body?
I wont change, for it is not my choice.
I have strayed. Led by a voice.

If I am 'His' child, than why
Why o Why God
Why have you placed me on this forsaken planet?

I wish to be with You.
I wish to be free.
Free at last.

;

wasnt any reason for me to lie.
the scars and bruises where they lie
why on earth do you doubt
why do you push and shove and shout

selfishly sick is what i be
the trauma fake? oh honestly!
i let it happen
i hurt myself
i do it all
and don't ask for help

i am failing critically
i am sick, selfishly.

i let you laugh
i let you lie
i kiss my "normal" life goodbye.
i let my thoughts
dissipate
let the next person take my place

if i lied for over a year
wouldnt that make the truth everclear?
foggy memories swirling endlessly

we are sick, selfishly

-yjp

just one more time
then we can stop
pick up the blade
watch as it drops
two or three couldnt hurt
drip drip drip
just a few more
****
too many
how can i hide it?
drip
drip
just wear hoodies and thick pants
stop itching at it
im so tired
did she see it?
just one more time
just two or three more
drip
hide it
itchy
they know
one more
drip
itchy
hide
help
one
more
time

drip drip drip

"huh? no im ok! my cats are vicious this time of year."

Shadows waltzing across my ceiling never seem to fear the future.
They come when called, enthusiastically enthralled.
They kiss and trail
Every night without fail

My frail body lays awake
I lie and ache
Fear a constant, leering foe.
I yearn to be the soft, sweet 6 year old.
She was scared and alone
But she had been safe.

The shadows have no worldly fears
Their care is only the forever dance of night
When they intertwine
Together
Instil fear into the hearts of young
And bring hope to the future generation

I've heard that drugs send you to early tombs
So I sit and get high on sharpie fumes
I burnt myself on purpose but hey
No ones going to see it anyway
The light has three modes and the sounds only one
I lay in my bed instead of having fun
Is this what you wanted?
(Now you got it)
For me to hide and forget
Be forgotten, body rotten, reliving regret.

ive never understood why it happened
maybe i was misbehaving
maybe i was bad
maybe he just wanted to
to hurt me and make me sad

wheather it was my misbehavior
or his ***** second nature

i grew up mature
never a child
always an angel
never able to speak out

using my own words against myself

"i was too young to ask for that."

i never would have anyway.

-LJS

I came to your house that day
My first sleepover since that may
My mom was upset
But let me stay
I slept over at your house that day.

We played games on pixilated screens,
You weren't upset when I accidently screamed.
Your dad called me by my name, and I almost cried
Your mom hugged me and my tears dried.

Your brother was sweet, one of a kind
You sat there stuck
Trapped in your mind
I pulled you into me
We cried

You told me you were selfish
I didn't think so
I don't

We told each other nearly everything
Our sadness and woe
I wish I had told you everything
Before she made me go

You showed me your songs
Your sweet poems
Your stories
I loved to listen to you

Then you stopped talking.
Asleep
While I lie silent
Holding your shaking body

I don't know if you remember that night
You had a panic attack
I held you while you cried
You told me I was like her
And I think inside I had died

We aren't allowed to have sleepovers
I keep getting myself in trouble
I miss your house and your welcoming family
I miss your smell and your snuggles.

I hope that you aren't mad at me
I wish I could re do it all
I hope that your happy
I wait for this fall

September 9th, 2001
Gary and I were skating at a hospital on top of a huge hill, overlooking a valley
An ambulance came and took out a dead woman
Gary asked me why she wasn't moving or blinking
They hadn't closed her eyes yet
She must have died on the way

A car full of family and friends came in with the ambulance
They were all crying and hugging each other
One woman screamed hysterically
And grabbed at the woman's body asking her to wake up

I had to tell Gary that her soul went to heaven
I didn't believe a word of it, but I knew it'd be easier for him to understand
Two days from now, at 9 a.m., the planes will hit the World Trade Center
Killing over 3, 000 people
I will tell Gary that there is no God, and all of this is meaningless

But today, there is a God, and He has a plan for him

He doesn't know it, but a year from now, our family will be torn apart
And I will move far away and won't see or talk to him for five years
And as we sit on the hood of our car, the sun goes down
And he asks me what I wanted all my life

I tell him, "I don't know"

On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid

I don't tell him about the dream I had the night before

Where I'm riding in a car full of strangers
And singing to some song I've never heard and smoking a cigarette
We swerve off the road and hit a tree
I go through the windshield and hit the edge of the fence
Dislocating my jaw and flipping me into a wall
Where my neck is broken, and my skull is fractured
I bleed to death in excruciating pain

I will have this dream periodically until I meet all of the strangers one by one
Introducing them all to each other until we are a close group of friends

I will set these events in motion and I will die
But today in the warm light of the sunset
I don't see it, I just see the sunset
I smile back and shake my head

I have absolutely no idea, I am afraid.

It was the night of the concert
My very first one
My lips were cracking
From being bitten and chewed on

I was excited, you were too
You loved the band
And I loved you

You lent me the ChapStick
It smelt like ****
It tasted like you
It filled me with need

Need to be closer
To hold you
To taste you
Gods you tasted good.

I kept it
I'm not sure why
Maybe I forgot
Or my lips were still dry

Maybe it was conscious
I stole the **** thing
It tasted like you
I ignored the sting

We realized our feelings
You're my best and closest friend
I dont have that ChapStick
I lost it in the end

It smelled like ****
Tasted like you
I hope you still know hon
I love you too.

when you were close
your voice would drown me
your hurtful words
the silence crowns me
i stayed quite because i knew
thats the only way i would keep you
i wept
i barely slept
i stayed awake
every stupid decision id make
i did it for you
for your praise
your time
i wish youd stayed
called us "mine"

Listen... I know you're upset-

Upset? Darling I'm far more than "Upset" with you.

If you would just listen-

What reason does she have to lemon? You've started blocking them all again. We can't go back to what we were.

Alex I'm trying to get better.

Getting better means getting rid of us then?

That's not what I said.

Liam, you do realize over half the system is gone? Merged, dormant, fading away. We can barely keep up now.

I've tried to take on responsibilities. As has Sunny and Eclipse. But we can't keep doing this. We still need help. YOU need help.

I'm sorry.

Your apologies are worthless.

Nicole, don't send him spiraling again. Ares just got us let out.

Hey, you wanted help.

Look, I have to watch littles now, Liam just... Stay close to front.

I'll have willow watch you.

...

that feeling.
you know the one.
all emotion is drained of your body and all worth is ****** away.
When you're so numb you can't be real, yet you feel every little thing that grazes your skin.
you feel tired, yet so overwhelmed and awake
and it hurts.
you cant escape
and it hurts.
that feeling of overwhelming upsetting forgetting and regretting.
your mind isnt your own, yet your body is undeniably so.
you cant even decode your own thoughts, for the mess they spew out is only to be just that, a mess.
your words come out as delirium, your heart racing and genuinely not functioning
everything
everywhere all at once.
like you have no mouth, yet must scream
have no control
incessantly and unequivocally continuous
that visceral, inexplicable feeling remaining, restraining
not just disorder, complete discord, chaos, absolute anarchy
inside the mind
and again this body remained still.

you couldn't possibly imagine could you?
of course not.

I read somewhere during church that we will always fall just barely short of entering Heaven's pearly gates, no one is perfect or deserving enough as we all sin. While Jesus is said to have taken all our sin, he left us here to be with his father on the third day instead of leaving a body to rot like the rest of us.

He may have been perfect before, but our sins will forever stain his pure innocence. God had left him for that day, let him stay covered in filth and blood and pain, his own son. he took him up and forgave him because he was the only one "without" sin. yet if he took it from us, shouldn't he be called the only one with sins?

people commit sins all the time, but we are forgiven if we say a few words written hundreds of years ago and lay in water in a building built on greed.

Jesus is said to be both 100% God and 100% Human, but that math simply cannot add up.

If the universe and everything in it was made in 7 days, we should be advancing much quicker than we have.  

People often tell me that I should be an atheist if I don't believe in all this, but that's the thing;

I do believe. I love my god so dearly. it just pains me to think that we could possibly be stuck in a cycle of generational lies and forgetting the true meaning of what we are to do as good Christians.

Love God, Love People, Follow Jesus.

Fun fact: Taking the lords name in vain does not mean saying "Oh my God" or "God dang it" is a sin. It means, do not call Yourself God. we say gods name all the time, each and every single day, every hour, every few seconds really.

Gods name (YAHWEH) is like our breath. if we live and breathe God, then we breathe his name in (Yah) and out (weh) every few seconds to stay alive.
God is our life, our salvation.

I wish to share my thoughts, fears, and beliefs with other people, and rather than be ostracized for what I think or feel in my religion, I want to feel accepted and loved as Christians claim to do.

I want to feel like I can talk about things I don't understand, what I choose to believe, and my hopes to better myself in faith, without it meaning that I am a heretic. I choose to think God would want us to accept people no matter what they choose or how they think of things.

God is the all forgiving savior, would he really care if I choose to think it may have happened a bit differently than was written by men hundreds of years dead and buried?

I breathe Christ, just the same as you.

Speak life, Poets.

There is a house on my street that the kids talk about
The shingles falling off, the garden dead from drought.

Rumors spread like fires, things like the backyard is full of tires
but everyone believes, in two scary stories.

In the back of the house there lies a bright red door,
There is no ceiling and there is no floor.

On the bright red door, there is nothing more
they say "She lies there, behind the bright red door, the place of pure nothingness, with no ceiling and no floor."

No one knows who "She" is, no one thinks to ask,
they tell the first story and proceed to the next task.

The second story I know, I think I'll tell it well,
"In the bright red door, in the back of the house, is the gateway to hell.
The girl that lives in it, whomever "She" may be, Is certainly the devil, it's plain to see."

So in the house down the street, behind the bright red door, is where people go when life becomes a bore.
The end or beginning who is to say?

Maybe it is just a story anyway.

my words are not coming from my head or my mouth, my brain or my ears, they don't spawn from my wondrous imagination or from my inspiration. they do not form from beautiful imagery, nor are they created in image of any person. my poems are not forged with tender love and care that others are, they are not tended to, edited, revised.

my words are not from the heart, they are not pumped through my body to my mind, my words are not from the heart or its binds. my poems are not formed of love and emotion they are not made with the same ideas others are.

my words come from the ink that pours down my wrists and thighs that were made in mutilation. a work of "art" through self deprication. my poems come from the hurt, the pain that i so obviously crave and create. my words and poems are my blood. my bond. my ties to worldly connections.

I sit silently in a class, not exactly paying attention, but not drifting all the same.
I am stuck in that space, just before dissociation, just before conscious thought.
You still plague my mind, many years after you're gone, like you did just after the day you came.
You and I, against the world, nothing would stop us, our friendship was wrought.

I'm still in class, thinking of you, slipping away, like I always do.
I remember your hair, the purple I envied,
your manic eyes, constantly frenzied.
Your crooked bottom teeth, the rings that you wore,
your pretty singing voice, the way that you swore.

I know our memories are far and between
I wanted nothing more than to be seen
revered
loved
by you

I hope you remember me
as you are somewhere new
I hope you remember how
I loved you.

The teacher has been calling on me, my class is snickering
my head is filled with voices again, constant bickering.
It isn't the first time, and wont be the last,
that I get stuck in my head
remembering the past.

there was an honest man. a good man. a story teller.
he worked in the library, taught children to read, he was a kind man, a great fella.

well "once upon a time" was his motto, his stories always bled into the light.
he went to bed as it got darker, knowing he had done his stories right.

"Nevermorre calls upon you, Storyteller." called the queen of that land.
he had to leave this era, he hoped theyd understand.

as the kind, gentle man left our world, he left a story for the children to be unfurled.
the story of Nevermorre, the friends of the past, the chimer of futures, the words of the last, the darkness of sorrow, the swirling of shame, those who read, did not return quite the same...

so quiet now young ones, im here to tell
the story of Nevermorre, is mine as well.

i cant even lie I was going to **** myself last night
You pulled me from my head and made everything all right.
You made my life make sense, put everything in line,
I laid back down again, everything seemed fine.

today I went through motions, tired and devoid of emotions
my brain was wrongly wired, it was you that i admired.
I wish you could've helped me
I wish you had known.
set my stupid mind free, all my worries flown.

You're only real when you are loved
The magic never goes away
So share your love
In a special way
Make someone real
Today

you used to promise id have to be the one to leave you
whyh do i still love you
why does it hurt so bad
when you gave me back my blankie it still smelled like you
i cried all night
i cut so many times
i bled for you
i did everything you asked.
i did everything
and you left for someone else
just like you did to him
he cries over us you know
i didnt tell anyone
god i wish we had stayed together
i love you
i love you so much still
and yet i was never enough
dont ever say 'i love you' if you dont mean it.

Thursday's child has far to go.
a child borne
of beauty and grace
so much more
a pretty face
her mind usually still
calm
is wild
racing
she fights
not only to survive
to live
to love
for her right
to be a human

Thursday's child has a voice
Thursday's child made a choice
to many a persons dismay
Thursday's child decides
to stay

Thursday's child
not full of woe
unfortunately
still far to go

Poem

When you were a kid, you had a favorite toy.
Be it a doll, a tiny truck, a car, a stuffy.
You did have one.

While you had one,
I was one.

I was played with.
Fed upon.
Made to be used and abused

Isn't it funny?
How some people are like like kids,
and Others are more like their pretty, little, shiny, toys.

"Oh mommy!" He would cry
"She is so pretty"
"So Cute"
"so wet..."

Malicious


I am not a toy
I am a real person
I am real

am I?

I sometimes catch myself wondering
My thoughts an endless cycle
Self deprication
Sleep deprivation
Without mediation
I look at her and I feel nothing
My my body is at an odds
Begging to feel something
I swear to any and all gods
There is something wrong with me.
She looks at me and laughs
Saying how I look like I want to die
I laugh too
It isn't funny because its hilarious
Its funny because its true.
I don't smell of dead flowers
I smell of the rot I was raised in
All I am now
Is ruin.
I cannot muster the strength to look you in the eyes
To be tell you my lies
Bringing about my demise
My body is falling apart
Deteriorated
And you are angry.
You are upset at the world
Your future taken just as mine was
I have absolutely no idea
I am afraid.

I don't feel like writing poems
I don't feel like making a song
I don't want to write a story
It takes too ******* long

I don't want to feel this empty
But I'm tired of being sad
I don't know if its just envy
But I hate that you're not mad

I dont like the way you laughed it off
The way you said I was fine
I hate that you disgust yourself
I hate that your not mine

I hope that you're not happy now
I hope that you are messed up
I hope she leaves you hon
I'll pour you another cup

the mirrors image is telling me
to focus on health and priorities
to take care of myself and maybe eat
I have no clue what's wrong with me

You won't notice when you hug your mom goodnight for the last time
When you start going to bed soundlessly
You won't notice the last time your dad picks you up and carries you in his arms
You won't notice when you stop liking coloring and cartoons and focus on make up and drama
You won't notice the last time you and your best friend stop talking about an inside joke
You won't notice the last time you see your dogs big puppy eyes
You'll be too busy focusing on school and friends and love
Though you won't know true love
You'll be too focused on a job you hate instead of one you really want to do
You'll be too focused on money or how you look or what others think of you
Until you have nothing to do
Then you'll wish you had noticed all those last times
Made more of the firsts.

I hate to be the reason you bleed
I am nothing if not the reason you breathe
I'm your death if you are mine
I want to be your lifeline.

I love you
I love you
I love you
how many times do I have to say it before you let it be true
gods above I cant take it anymore
I'm going to tear myself apart for you

im yours
you're mine

I am going to say this
ONE
LAST
TIME.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF
NOT YOUR FAULT SHE YELLED AT YOU
NOT YOUR FAULT THEY DON'T ACCEPT YOU

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

YOU ARE NOT ACTIVELY TRYING TO RUIN YOURSELF
THEY ARE NOT GOOD PEOPLE

ITS NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

everything is changing.
youve changed.

you dont talk to me now.
i cry over you every night.

sometimes i wonder if you think about me
as much as i think about you.

then i remember
you left me because it hurts

i was too much like Her.

and you replaced me.

that hurt the most.

My school blocked my writing
I cant use Ao3
I cant use anything

they took our phones
our earbuds
our watches

they took my writing

I cant use words

I'm scared

I am not a typical cutter, you see I don't harm just to feel hurt or to make lines to have others feel bad for me
I cut as a necessity, a need, a must, I cut as if my body, my life even, depends on it.
if I do not, I will forget, and the words will pour from my brain to my mouth to another's heart.
I cut, dear reader, but not just lines,
I cut words, sentences, dates and times.
all over my body, all the skin I can reach
biting a wet rag to muffle my screech.
I'm yelling and crying but not with my voice.
it might be my body, but it is not a choice
I cut to remember, to speak, to be heard
that's why my first time cutting
I carved out a word.

I walk toward the door
Lights getting brighter by the second

'i was hoping youd stay'

I
Hesitate.

only for a moment.

and then i am gone.

when i think about that day, i wish i had stayed
closer
to
you.

i wish i had hugged you tighter...

i wish i had said more than 'goodbye'


i wish



we





hadnt



grown














distant.

-Liam

all alone
im in my bed
lights so low
and my family gone

i washed my hair
scrubbed skin for hours to remove his touch
yet he
clings
on.

but im barely hanging on
and i dont think anyone else is
sometimes i think about you

and
         i
             am
                      wet.

we used to walk downtown
close to Christmas
you would be stoic and quiet
I would get excited over anything we saw

you wrote poems about me
you told me the most wonderful stories
I always listened
when you called me your little Sunlet

I loved you
I still do

to love a poet is not the same as to be loved by a poet.
to be loved
is so much more fulfilling
I loved you

moon

-L

When you think about a poem,
What do you hear?
The buzzing of rhymes, passing your ear?
Or do you think of words?
Lines on a page?
The timeless messages, growing wisdom with age?

Do you think of a certain one?
A song,or a rhyme?
A passage you read, about the beginning of time?

What makes a poem? Is it the words or the lines?
The message, or rhymes?
The writer? The Reader?
The sender? The receiver?

What makes a poem?
The Poet, of course.
It isn't the words, or the rhyme,
It's the voice.

That's what makes a poem,
That will stand the test of time.
If The Poet believes it,
Is that such a crime?

I don't often tell the truth
About what's inside me head
Though I lacked the skill in youth
I wished I'd end up dead.

All the voices deep inside
Echo throughout my brain
If the truth were not to hide
You may call me insane.

I used to be a smiley girl, happy all the time
Then you came into my world, and sold it for a dime.

Now I lie about my feelings, my thoughts, and all my pain
Because I was taught that I should never
Say what's going on inside my brain.

My mind rushes to the beat of the fastest drum
Unfortunately I'm afraid of what I have become.

Why do you cry?
Isn't this what you wanted?
To be all by yourself again?
No?
Then why did you push everyone away?

Why didn't you ask them to stay?

Stupid rabbit.

He doesn't want you to cling anymore.

Let him love other people.

Let him go.

"if you want to make it in the world
take your shot
aim high
hit the target
don't miss your shot holly"

I have missed my shot granddad.
if only you'd known who I really was.
you probably would've hated me,

You're speaking again.
I'm listening.
You're crying again.
I'm listening.
You're lying again.
I'm listening.
I'm still hoping.
I'm still trying.
Poor little Sunshine.
Not a clue what to do.
why.
words words words.

They're yelling again.
I'm listening.
They're hurting again.
I'm listening.
They're learning again.
I'm listening.
I'm praying.
Hoping.
Waiting.
words, words, words.

I'm hurting again.
who's listening?
I'm trying again.
who's listening?
I'm dying again.
who's listening?
who's watching, hoping, praying, waiting, trying, for me?

Words. Words. Words.

who is listening...

Thou shalt not lie

Yet we continue to hurt others with our words

Thou shalt not ******

Yet we continue to hurt others with our hands

Thou shalt not cheat

Yet we continue to hurt others with our actions

read the writing on the wall

the day will come

our kingdom will fall

fire and ashes rain from the sky

purest sould to heaven they fly

heaven and earth

they will collide

man and god

side by side

come one come all
to see the apathy
to witness tragedy
the fame and fortune
the game ends in june
the name died too soon

all those
olden titles
tales of the late
soft spoke mysteries
entitled histories
forgoten stories
because of you

burnt to the ground
yet your empire grew
you left behind a trail
how we never knew
your secrets spilt
your identites spew

gilded ashes
paved the way
you taught us to follw
not to stray
every command
every lie
we let it pass
let you get by

an unwritten song
never to be sung
your entire world
the peirced lung
your forgetting friends
youre forgotten

youre rotten.

When I was 14 years old, I went to a thrift shop with my best friend.
It wouldve been late September, early October.
We were talking about our futures, when he mentioned that he didnt know my favorite color.

I told him to guess.

He pondered for a bit and then picked up a pair of pretty yellow converse and shouts out "Yellow!"
He looked so happy, I just nodded and said yes.

I would wear those converse every single day for the next 6 months, they would see as I fell head over heels in love with him.

I stopped wearing them in 2025 after my first attempt of the year.



Yellow is my favorite color.

i saw bits of it in everything after that.
saw it everywhere.

eventually that friend and i would grow apart.
meet new people
stop talking entirely

i will be told that i was an awful person

yet... yellow remains my favorite color.

those shoes still sit in my closet.
a testament to my unspoken love.
i will wear them periodically for the next 5 years until they burn in a fire i caused.

until then

yellow will always be my favorite color.