I feel comfort in the familiarity
Of being lost
Peculiar in its irony
Its definition reversed by my falling in love
With the freedom of not being found
Sometimes it's more peaceful
Living quietly without the sound
Of homesickness in your ear
Eyes wistfully on the clouds
Thoughts pondering in head
Soft promises vowed
To a place not seen again
It feels to me like exciting exploration
Sights locked in mind
All these complex illustrations
Of trees, streams, crumbling walls
That otherwise would of went unseen
All these beautiful kingdoms
Adorned by the falling leaves
Of this year's autumn
How could I not fall for that?

I'll paint my ceiling lilac
Make it twinkle with flashlight stars
I'll build a cardboard spaceship
We can fly to our orange peel mars
You'll call me your astronaut
As I pull you up to the swirling sky
Explore every marshmallow whirl
As I fall for your acorn eyes
Our bodies will be constellations
Limbs and breaths intertwined
Our souls are dot-to-dots connected
Heartbeats rhymth aligned
I painted this dream for us
Used a palette made for you and I
Every brushstroke will be worth it
You're my favourite lullaby

I miss you
Your welcoming embrace
The way the words used to flow so effortlessly
Your smile brightening my face

I used to see you so often
Everyday we would meet
We laughed, we loved
Every word we shared was sweet

Now you seem so distant
I can't express my thoughts to you
Once familiar, now a stranger
You're not the person I once knew

You made the bad beautiful
Transformed it all into art
With you I shared all my secrets
Poured out all of my heart

I wish in every star
For you to come home
Poetry, I miss you dearly
You're love I've never known

Maybe
It was the way
Your neon eyes
Lit up in mine
And the world
Glowed a
Kaleidoscope of
Rainbow colours

Maybe
It was being
Wrapped in your
Bronze arms
And feeling so
Very safe
So warm
Next to you

Maybe
It was grey tears
Comforted by your
Soothing voice
That cheers me on
Rubbing out the dull
Rendering me
Sunshine yellow

Maybe
It was being
Called beautiful
Because I was like
Poetry and sunsets
Great towering mountains
Pretty just
Didn't do justice

Maybe
It was our
Midnight phone calls
And feeling like
I could scrape the
Deep blue canvas sky
And twirl amoung
The blinking stars

Maybe
It was all of it
Mixed like
Paint on an
Artists palette
Pinks, reds, oranges,
Spelling out a lone word
Love.

Back and forth 
Battered ball flys 
Launched from a cheap
Plywood bat 
Expected eyes follow on
Full of hope, crying
For their own

Players tense
As ball sails low
From left to right
To and fro
Loosening only when
It goes fast off the
Other side of the table

This is much more
Than just a game
This is wrong and right
Black and white
This is who to blame
When the real game
Goes to ****.

His eyes cloudy grey
Storms clouds once, tired now
Breathes like sand bags
Heavy and damp
Slowly holding in a flood
Ragdoll in the wind
He falls, limp and lost
I hold- til sleep

Do you always speak in poetry?
...
Steamy breath swirls in the
Stagnant air, my hair hangs
Dusty smudges itching
Under paper skin
...
No, I breathed
...
Eyes shut, eyes open
The words dance, I hear their
Ethereal whispers, muffled
By masks and heavy cloaks
...
I miss you.

We swim only in shallow waters
Breakable limbs scrapping the surface
Of the thousand mile deep oceans
The bottom layers are wordless
You never cared enough to explore

Sunlight shines so scarely
Only illuminating what we want to see
Somehow we keep up it's illusion
It's all we've ever tried to believe
You never dared enough to explore

Waves roll over the turquoise surface
Their familiar motion puts a mind at ease
Big ones crash down, calm is disturbed
This is when we choose to leave
You never loved enough to endure.

I think I am like fairy lights
With 10m of soul but only 1 that shines bright
Deciding carefully which parts of me
Make the up the world's display
I like to think the light I shine
Is all earned perfection and dainty smiles
As if the world would hate me
For letting go every once in a while
But really I am not naive enough
To believe the image I dream, is the image I show and
Honestly, I think it's better for the world to know
That the lights I emit flicker from time to time
So maybe I'll aspire to be seen as a human being
Break out from my hiding place of rythem and rhyme
And let the other 9m glow,
Even if only every once a while

I'm bitter lemons
I beg, drown me in sugar
Make me lemonade

You were willow trees and
Ice lollies on sunny days
You were yellow shorts and
Grinning at nothing

Now you're blurry memories and
Feeling full of regret
Now you're wooden masks and
Smuged charcoal pictures

The seasoned changed and
Rain washed the rose tint away
I was left with cold truths and
Sunshine didn't taste so good

Anymore.

You twinkling eyes stare me down
Crying invisible tears of pity
You place your fading hand in mine
This is sympathy
I can't control my urge to flea
Your bleeding pupils hounding me
All I want is to escape
To a monochrome normality
That soft smile sickens me
I need fresh air
Away from concerned faces
Though they care
I can't help but feel
I am lesser

I'm isolated in this eggshell field
A barren land filled with people
They wield their swords of saviour
Dancing round my every sniffle
I feel chained down by their love
Suffocated by every fleeting word
Drowning in the sound of sympathy
I'd give anything to take back the day
That they found that I'm
Not quite okay because
They never listen now
When I say that
I am

You were white paper
I smiled, flames licked you up 
Innocence is ash
....
Poetry to me
Is all the unspoken words
Written on paper
....
Anything is sweet
In a voice spun of sugar
Made you candyfloss
....
I never minded
That it wasn't fairy tales
I still felt magic
....
Mummy held my hand
The pictures sighed so sadly
The other was empty

I feel full with empty guilt
Every second I waste is a dagger
It stabs me so I'll spill crimson
Sparkles shiny, watches me stagger
I start to stumble and I'll fall
Let the blood dry black
Then I'll nurse my silver blade
Slam it down and feel my bones crack

Everytime I'm fooled
Your beauty, always fleeing
Disposable love

In and out
Like the glittering tide
Of an endless aqua ocean
Rolling into the beaches side
Kissing the salty sands
With a quietly familiar sound
Slowly and softly retreating back
When relief is found

In and out
This is how I know I'm alive
The feeling of the mountain top
Soaring on a glorious high
As the sun sets bright
In the willingness of my eyes
I live only for this moment
"I'm alive" I breathlessly cry

In and out
Panic setting sail
Rasping at great speed
Silently I start to wail
Torturously out of control
Every second is a million years
Stuck in this icey cave
Filled with all my deepest fears

We camped by the turquoise sea
Tangled little limbs lulled to sleep
By the rhythmic reassuring waves and
The tears of the skies as they weeped
Raindrops scattered like pocket wishes
Into our sandy dreams they softly seeped

We sat
Me and him
A table between us
Its funny how we weren't
Even next to one another yet
I felt closer than I ever
Had before

We shared
A million memories
Childhood's present and past
Danced vividly, alive in his and my
Nostalgically saturated eyes
I thoughtlessly giggled
Carelessly happy

He spoke
Out words the
Colour of a beautiful rainbow
I'd never saw in him before
He smiled and for the
First time in years
I felt safe.

Aren't we all hourglasses?
Sand constantly pouring
Thousands of tiny golden grains
Growing giant in their masses
A plunge pools depth filling
As the dry waterfalls escape
We are always forgetting
How easy it is to suffocate
We run on quick sand
Legs moving as we sink
Pounding, wheezing, aching
We can't ever stop and think
Let the tap run empty
Now, we lie completely still
Unable to move, unable to pour
Our life stolen against our will
In misery we have to wait
To let the glass flip over
Until the sand starts to drip
At first we let it run slower
But so fast we drain out rivers
So we drown, again.

It’s cement that covers her grey lips
They crumble as his name dusts them
Crimson tears do so slowly drip
Every spoken word another traitor

Cracking, the shadows scream
Light scorches the darkness
Brutally rips the violet seams
A rotting tongue speaks out loud

The upbeat tune backs a million journies
It comes from a battered piano and
The fingers of an old eccentric man
Who's smile lights the biggest room

Passersby share this magic with him
Their business paused for just a moment
They let the rhythm dance inside of them
Lit up from the happy notes

Tonight they will share folk tales
Of the smiling silver wonder
Tommorow he will return
To again colour the keys of the piano

The ghost of joyous bells ring out
Celebrating the turn of the millenium
Billions of absent voices shout
Into the skeleton of a past society

Dreams lie shattered
In the derelict, guilty future
Memories lie scattered
In piles of grey powder ash

Pools of radioactive water gather
In the stillness of great craters
Here once stood amazing things but after
Only gaping black pits in the shadows

Specks of dust are hunted down
By the relentless shine of the burning sun
They helplessly drown in the sticky air
Of the quietly infinite emptiness

This is the graveyard
Dug by the mightiness of human greed
The earth will be forever scarred and
We have only ourselves to blame.

Dark powdery ash
Smears lonely on my stone mask
I fight my own war.

Her eyes were the oceans
So very wild, so untamed
I let them drown me

I am no longer a child
Not the innocent, little girl I used to be
She is now but a memory
Replaced by a new face
It is unfamiliar and out of place
It's eyes so distant, they are alien
Coloured in with grey pencil
A complete contrast
To the rainbows that once filled them
They are gone now.

I miss her:the little girl
She was bright and she was bold
And I miss her
She used to wear sunshine coloured hoodies
With a smile that matched
Her happiness burned like a bonfire
Lighting up all around
She danced with no music
Sang with no song
Laughed with no reason

Her imagination ran riots
Stories flooded out of her
Tales of all kinds
Bejewelled with wild ideas
She dreamed up a new universe everyday
Explored her mind as though it was a jungle
She swung around on emerald vines
Excitedly breathing in
Every scent, every colour, every shape
Getting drunk on endless possibilities

The girl that fills the mirror smiles sadly
Her dull eyes overflowing with invisible tears
I do not know how to comfort her
She is stranger looking out at me
I choose to be blind to her mind
A war of conflict rages on in me
I am angry, red hot
Knowing she took away the sunshine
Though I feel pity, too, for the blue salt trails
That form crystals on her fading cheeks
Pity for colour she is rendered.

Fear
So complete and so overwhelming;
Nothing else can be felt.

The room that surrounds me is too small
The white washed walls closing in
It is a cave from which I cannot see the mouth.
The darkness is engulfing me fast
The light is disappearing fast
It is a whirlwind of shadows and fading voices
The reality is blurring, in its place
A distorted nightmare stitches itself
Like black, thick treacle it slowly slides into my ear drum
A wild hyena laugh
It’s here.

The air is painfully thin.
Every withering gasp becomes shallower
My lungs are shrinking
They are red balloons
Punctured by sharp, shining needles
Deflating, they push out the oxygen
Drawing in the black charcoal
My chest feels so heavy
The smoke suddenly solidifying
I can’t breathe.

I am trapped.
Isolated and alone
My body a steel prison
I lie helplessly on its foreign, metallic floor
The cold cuts into me
My bones freezing over slowly,
I can’t move.

The ice is a barrier between me and the outside
Carving the figures into unfamiliar shapes
I do not know this place
I am a child lost in a funfair.
The world clumsily stumbles in front of me
A million joyous colours and noises bleeding together
Forming one screaming siren
It yells “PANIC, PANIC, PANIC”
A rhythmic repeating chant
Blaring and bright
I’m drowning in its wails.

My body jitters like an old wood coaster
Jerking, swaying under a heavy weight
I try to stop it but it is out of my control now
The cart has left the station

The hyena laugh again trickles into my ears
Growing louder and louder
It morphs into a crazed clowns cackle
Howling at my failed attempts
My palms start to shake,
They cling to my arms as I rock back and forth
Trying desperately to make it stop
Why won’t it stop?
Why won’t it end?

My heart starts to speed
Beating so fast, it hammers against my glass ribs
It is deafening.
Like footsteps pounding the pavement
Running crazily to try escape
Terrified of the monster cowering over its shoulder
Painted face, disguised, its screeches surround me.
I trip and fall, knees grazing and legs shaking
I cry like a little girl to her mother
“Make it stop”, I whimper.
The monster towers over me.

From aside me, an arm leans into my cave.
It whips off the monsters mask.
Nothing is there.

I run so fast I feel the dust form
In clouds behind the blood stained feet
I pound down on the brown earth
Constantly running, I seek comfort
A million miles travelled to try reach
That golden place I feel good enough
For the world to love me

My eyes sting, blinded in their quest
They have forget the world in clear
The reality is blurred beyond repair
Distorted  by the fear I hold
Of the mocking jingle of disappointment
That echos faintly in my ear
Every year long night

Once in a while I trip and fall
Knees grazing and legs shaking
Crying like a child to her mother
As the thread web I wove begins breaking
In front of my black hole eyes
The only way I know how to stop
Is to get up and run again.

What if?
The question plagues my mind
Wrapping ropes around me
Behind my back my hands bind

The warm taste of toasty cinnamon
Sticks to my pinky lips
And memories of simpler days
Are set off by the tarte granny smiths
This steaming bowl
Reminds me so much of home
The comforting feeling of
Of what it is to truly belong