I wish my mom loved me.
I wish my brothers cared.
I wish my father was a dad
Who was always there.
I wish life had more ups
I mean im always going down.
I wish the overdose would **** my liver faster by now.

"If only we could have 3 wishes".
You could have as many wishes as you want.
Granted wishes, not so much.

I like open skies with many stars
I like clear oceans and lonely bars
I love watching animals attack their prey
I like to sleep so long i skip the whole day.
I like the feeling of having nothing to do
Not being bored but not feeling blue
Just relaxing and enjoying the sound of nothing
I like to take my  time i dont like rushing
I like eating food that tastes real good
Even though itll **** me i love it still
I love to lay outside and watch the birds fly above me
I love to think that one day id find life itself lovely.

I tried to be mean
Because i grew tired of being sweet
Having no one be as nice to me
But it didnt work
Because it isnt me.
The mask of smiley has fallen off
And ugly exposed to all
Tears that are 18 years old
Blood that used to be red chipping off.
I tried to be nice
Because being mean i was sure
Made me myself feel very poor
But then i realize it gets me no where
And still i continue to go there
Pick the mask up
Back on my face
Cover the years worth of pain
Keep on dragging myself through life
Wishing i didnt have to choose mean or nice
Wishing i could just feel better inside...

When you're too afraid to end it all
But you're desperate enough to wanna go away
You dont wanna hurt the ones you love
But you dont wanna feel any more pain
When the **** doesnt take you far enough
You think about *******
When your life has no meaning to you
But suicide is too much to pay.

Im tired of seeing **** and not being able to do anything about it.
Im tired of being here on earth
Where the solution to a problem
Creates more problems
People say **** just to make you think they would if they could solve it
But they dont solve ****
They dont even try
They watch and they comment and they hear you cry
Imagining if it were them
Thankful that it isn't
Just saying whatever lie
Is best convincing.
I'm sick of this ******* world  and i can't wait to leave it.
I think about all the freedom from this hell of a life I've been given
The world is the worst place to be
Maybe not for you but without a doubt for me
More power to you if you love to live life
I, on the other hand will be on the other side.

This feeling is the worst feeling in the world.
To live some place and not feel at home.
I come to my mothers house and the feeling only grows.
Thought i would feel better but i only get worse.
If i dont feel at home anywhere
Why am i here
I dont want to be here
I have no family
No friends
No love
No care for what the future consists of.
I dont have care for anything
I try to find happiness in everything
But i always fail
And i always feel
Like i know exactly where it is that i belong.
But to get there
I must take
The one thing that i have every day
My life
And i know
That fear has something to do
With why
I havent tried
Hard enough to actually persue
Death.
But that fear has gone a while ago
I have tried honestly harder than i ever have before
And still i can not get back home
Im at the bus stop waiting for the lights to show
I just want to go where i feel i belong....
Somewhere where i dont feel this anymore.

Isolated
Surrounded by water.
No one but me and the friends i can not see.
Once visible
Transformed into energy.
The sun always keeping the sand under heat.
Open skies
Enormous nights
Sounds of the natural world to be heard
Trees, clear oceans and home in sight.
All i want to hear is wind singing to me
All i want to feel is the water waving through me
Wetting my hair and allowing me to wish
I could spend eternity in this
Nothing but the rocks and open field
Setting me to imagine all of this could be real.
This is what i want to be
Free
Alone but not really
Alone
This is where i want to be
Home
I'd love
To go
Home
If i cant see you
Come with me.

this isn't easy.
it'll sound crazy.
but i can not pretend anymore.
i don't belong here.
i have no desire for anything.
i don't hold onto anything.
i let go of everything and care about nothing.
the relationships with my brothers and sisters
are the only things keeping me to stay.
had i not known them my whole life
by now i would have taken it away.
i fear to do that to them
to burden them with that loss and pain
but the truth about me is that as long as i'm alive i will never  be happy
i will never be okay.
i do smile, and i do laugh.
I do love, and i give thanks.
i do appreciate, and have perfect moments.
but i dont want to continue at all i dont want this.
while you mourn death i mourn my birth.
the day i was taken from where i was born first.
since i was a little girl i had this feeling inside
i never wanted to be here i never wanted a life.
i am a soul who desperately wants to go...
back to where i belong, back home...
i dont want to have a job i dont want to go to school
i dont want to wake up in 10 years with things im responsible for.
i dont have a passion or a purpose here
ive always felt this way that's how i know that it is real.
even being happy i just dont want to live.
if i didnt have to take my life there is nothing i wouldnt give.
i was always asking him
please take me with you.
bring me where you are,
i want to come with you.
i never understood why a child should want to die.
especially feeling the desire with no reason why.
if im this suicidal how come i'm still alive?
believe me i have tried,
i've tried so many times.
maybe he doesnt want me there yet,
maybe i have not done the work...
the job i was set out to do, unfortunately, when i was born.
or maybe he has to be the one to take me there
maybe i shouldnt go on my own.
you may think i'm stupid,
or too depressed,
or just insane.
but i promise you i've tried to do normal things.
my mind doesn't change.
i've found happiness before
i've had goals and plenty more.
deep down inside it's still the same,
i want to open up that door.
i cant imagine how this may sound to someone who doesnt understand.
but what happens when you're put somewhere and you just KNOW this feeling you have,
it's so strong it's almost like communication from my past
the energy i used to be,
before it became my turn to do the task.
i feel like before we were all here we were in this peaceful place.
and everyone must be chosen to take the challenge and run the race.
it's not about winning
or how fast you go
or even finishing.
it's about experiencing the form of life
can you get passed the puddle without slipping...
i think i've proven myself
i can handle anything in life.
i've been tortured with every pain you could possibly feel inside.
i feel like i know things about how life goes and what works and what wont,
i just cant stop feeling like i dont belong here i just dont....
im not sad right now im not trying to sound crazy...
the truth about me is i miss the world where i was created.

You have mastered the eyes of an actor.
A true masked manipulator .
You could convince me that I didnt have to leave,
You'd also made me worship things I would have never believed.
Your smile could lead one to think that you were genuine and safe.
The sensitivity in your voice made the worst situations okay.
Control the mind with your natural lies.
Make me believe it is just you and i.
You act in a way that is almost like you preach.
Guiding us to be believe that the impossible could be.
I'm positive that you could even make me think...
That even under water it is okay to breathe.
Someone so dangerous is a bad ending i know it.
Then again,
You'd keep me doubting the truth
Even after you expose it.
Simply power
Is what you have
To lead anyone the worst way.
Giving me hope that i could pass with no studying on the first day.
Convince me that i can leave you alone and not do this
Give me time to heal from you and never again be so foolish.

Victim of false hope
False belief
False emotions.

One day I'll get you to  take a breath under the ocean.

I lie here in bed
Motionless
But not lifeless.

There is nothing inside my head
But it is far
From silent.

Visuals growing vivid
Racing and changing
Randomly taking me from one place to another.

Numbness and weakness
Total tranquility
Seeing new faces
New beings
New color.

My breathing sinks
Falling in rhythm with the sounds
Of peace...

I feel
Like I have left this world
And come to a place just for me...

My heart is asking me
"Where is the pain?"
It, too, has been relieved
Of the grip of suffering.

My eyes cant help
But to remain closed
I, myself
Feel quite composed.
My mind senses that I could not further.

In the darkness
So it broke me
From the chains of ******.

Everything I wanted and believed
As a child
Violated and seized
Then, for a long while...
I could never see
Beyond my broken pieces

My mind has set me free
And has shown me
What
To believe in

Meeting you
Liquefied my heart
Brought it down to a state of art
Where knowing you has become such a blessing
And letting go of you will be lethally hard.
Time has pushed you in the center.
Mind has my ***** wrapping around you.
Slowly but indefinitely,
Closing the gap
No one can have you now
I froze you in my trap
Now as my heart begins to  set
Feeling each string of my art attach
I know the treasure it holds inside

It is you, my love
Just you and i.

What is the matter with me?!
I've lost my touch.
I've traded my ability to heal
For the ability to destruct.
Instead of supporting you,
I've robbed you of all trust.
Your confidence is in my yard of graves and dried, sad blood.
I used to be able to bring life to a corpse.
I used to teach  the power to love.
And now I set flames to all good that comes.
The lives and the emotions I have taken and destroyed...
They haunt my now, empty soul, they are impossible to avoid.
The red wine of my loved ones trails me everywhere i go.
And the only way to fix this is to admit to what i have done.
Accept the pain i have burned people with
To not reject the blame for what i, myself, have caused.
I pressed sorrow onto broken beings who are now more torn apart
They are what i created them to become.
And now it is i that holds all the weight of the impact
That i,
Myself have created
A foundation
For darkness to lurk and repeat itself.
I used to be able to bring sight to the blind.
Now, vision has been used to see things i would never have imagined in any form of life.
Seeing what i have done but blind to a solution...
I couldnt even tell you if there was enough time.
I think my chance has passed and i have completely murdered our race.
Because of this obsession of mine.
Not letting anyone in
To hurt me ever again
Has ultimately cost me
And i will pay until a new force begins
As i have to repent for my sins
And feel this
What ive done ... till the very end.

Sensing my sorrow
My genuine regret

Angels come down to save us once again.

I would instantly break down from the soul
if you asked me
when was the last time i was ever happy
i couldnt see myself telling the truth
i'd have to pick a lie that would satisfy you
one that is convincing,
maybe a story behind it.
one that would make you believe i knew what you were asking.
if i knew what that was maybe i could tell you,
but im not sure what you mean,
that is one question for which i cannot help you.

it is okay for my pains to last forever,
But i will not let them stop me.
it is only humane to get hurt and get better,
so i will continue to progress without stopping.

Reaching my hand to steal
"Dont do that"
If it were done to you how would you feel.

Fixing my mouth to cause pain with words
"Remember how when it was said to you it deeply hurt".

Raising a hand to impact a person
with angry vengeful forces and painful purpose.
"The one who hits another is the one who suffers the most "
You know this.
I hear your  voice stopping me.
It's  working.

One day my eyes close and all i see is white.
My heart gives out and void fills life.

I see you and i hear you calling to me.

It was you, it was you teaching me my wrong doings.

Lord you saved me in life  and the after.

I thank you and apologize for what i did if it matters.

That voice never leaves my head,
Always directing my biggest steps.

I had to stop and listen to you for me to know any better.
And i know now that you are here with me and you are speaking to me from heaven.

I tried to end it all again,
and yet again I am still here.
I really dont understand.
I'm giving up on giving up.
I wont even try to try harder.
Im throwing my hands up and leaving suicide alone.
But the feeling of it wont let me go.
i can say for the most part right now
i am pretty content.
i just dont want to think anymore about anything.
there's so much bad in my life that the good is impossible to see.
subconsciously i see possibility...
I am trying to push myself forward and carry myself ahead.
even though pain still lingers onto my legs,
nails deep in my calves making it hard for me to keep going.
but i know that as long as im moving forward im making progress even if slowly...

Naaire, you had a post on your instagram that read:

Slow progress is better than no progress,

And with all that has been said...

i am trying to make myself better because im tired of feeling dread.
suicide was my only way
but really i was already dead...
i need to make myself feel Alive

but i've been drowning myself instead..

at the moment i am okay
i have time for just one breath

its been so long since i've been okay...
and i thank the powers for that..

and i will try to go further than where im at.

usually when i write a poem i take some time to think.
but putting words together to describe you comes naturally.
there arent enough words in any or every language that could capture what i've witnessed.
knowing you for a day has truly shown me what i've been missing.
i cant think of anyone who could compare to you in any way,
you're unique, you are amazing, you are completely different.
part of me is afraid, and feels almost foolish to trip so soon,
but i hold no shame and i will not waste an opportunity to be closer to you.
from here it could go anywhere,
i never know what will happen.
But at least i know
that at least i hope
to be somewhat of something you've imagined.
I wish that technology were more advanced these days
So i could search your heart on a map and begin to make my way.
behind your color changing eyes and your perfectly structured face,
is a mind i'd love to know like a book, from the first to the very last page.
if romance had a reason to not be an option for you and i,
i promise i would still never leave your side
whether a friend, or more, or in between
I'd take any position to be in your life.
you are amazing.

6 minutes til 10.
my hands cradling pills and milk
to chase purposeful death down my throat
and i chase the freedom that has been revoked
when i was born
every day i awoke
i want to take back...
those critical moments...

almost 10 pm
and its over.
i dont want to see tomorrow.
im gonna swallow my solution...
one hour closer...
to death and away from sorrow...

no more poems no more sight..
no more breathing just one big light.

10 pm.
i surrender
good bye.

i dont know how to describe this feeling..

of being lost.
of being a disappointment
being wrong.
an example of why the generation before me is disappointed.

i feel like there is no where i belong.

and as long as i am here i will continue to feel this

but theres nothing to do because emotions are fearless

they dont care who you are or what youve been through

they excite and hurt and completely control you.

no matter what i try to do....

i cant help but feel like i just belong dead with you.

in this generation what happened here?
we got blood and drugs in the atmosphere
we got hatred in our hearts and lust in our wants
kids killing each other and no one gives a ****
the ones that do are in a corner
no one listens so no one bothers
adults giving up like its a profession
students in school aint there for the lessons

im scared of the future but the past is cursed
i dont even know which half is worse
we no longer wanna be doctors and moon walkers
we just wanna be dope dealers and street talkers

always trying to get away from the problems instead of tryna fix it
we dont even care any more we just living
and im afraid for what goes on from here
im afraid to breathe in this atmosphere

Somewhere along the lines of the last 18 years
I became a different person
As i ask myself...
What happened here?
My feelings are naked and always exposed
My  thoughts attack me wherever i go
mostly
when i am alone
Maybe i shouldn't be so nice
Maybe i should buy my heart some clothes.

Lately ive been doing whats right
Thinking that if i dont someone will know
Patiently awaiting an award
From  life
For always being alone.

Somewhere when i changed from human to Frankenstein
I must've lost my heart and my mind
To the pains of the events of every day life
Every sad story could compare to mine
All they'd have to do is combine

That is where
I went wrong
Along the line

I was hurt
I was shocked
I was shaken
I was shot..

Somewhere along the life line...

I was never stopped.

And so i kept trying to end me

Kept reaching for the ending

To this line

That just goes on

And why

Did i have to be so strong...

Im looking for the peace to my rest that i may forever sleep in

Im looking for the key to the door of the room i will forever be in.

Me
Disconnected
From society
You
Catch up with all the media
Know whats going on
Me
The definition
Of anti social
Repetition
Of losing interest without having to let go
It just goes.
You
Texting all your friends and family
Going out but sometimes home
Me
Phones are for music and games
Staying away from the world where im all alone
You
Posting statuses and photos for the public to see
Me
Not one account and always wishing no one ever noticed me.
You
Hold a job and go to school living a normal life it seems
Me
Cant work in a work place because its a real place and i am detached from reality.
Attached to anxiety
Psychotic thoughts and angrily
Dealing with myself and the ones
Who dont understand
The ones like you
Do you understand?
You
Dont understand.
It is hard.
Wanting to have that normal life
Even if i wasnt fully happy
At least I'd function correctly
No one can help me
Ask the ones who tried to help me

Everything is fine and the world seems safe.
Til someone dies and a part of you is taken.
After that life all of you has changed.
You dont want to laugh any  more because it feels wrong,
And your favorite holiday becomes the most  hated.
Try to shower away the pain and the darkness.
Hoping one drop of water could bring back my heart again.
Washing away the clarity and exposing the ***** skin
Scars and cuts from places ive never been.
its hard to look up when im trying to look within
Trying to find something that'll  keep me from remembering
Trying to do whatever gets me by.
Stumbling forward but falling behind.
Its sad when you cant do anything to fix it.
But whats bad about that is it doesnt need fixing.
Death is to come to all of us
In what manner we wont know
Until it does and we have no choice but to let go.
Ive found my peace with my loss of you and i know that you are living.
Just because i can not see or hear or touch  you does not mean you are not present in spirit.
I dont have to see you
I dont have to touch  you
I dont have to hear you
I feel you.
You're in my thoughts and in my skin your name embedded in my pores
And i will never shed a tear of sadness as long as i am sure
That until i get visit of a lifetime that takes me away to where you are,
I know that your death was just humane and my life has grown in the absence of yours.

If i reached down into your skull through your eye sockets
What would i be pulling out if not brains and blood?
If i reached deeper and went for your heart would your soul be stained to my hands as well?
You say you worry im giving up
so i just want to get in touch
With who you are inside
If i really wanted id like to just feel whatever is right .
Its only fair that if im considered
Insane
I dissect a sane mind.

Dont ask me questions when you wont believe my answers.
Why tell me one thing and actually mean another
I cant simplify this life to something that makes sense to me
Everything that happens in it makes me want to run away
The only happiness i can find is when im under the influence
I cant take this life of mine without someone to influence it.
Someone needs to help me
I cant help myself
Work with me just tell me
What to do to get out of this hell.
Take me away and ill do as you say
Tell me youll never leave my side
Maybe one day you can part ways
When i am finally truly alright.

i wonder what they would feel if i were shot dead today.
i wonder would i still be here or is the afterlife overrated. ..
i know some people who will use my death for publicity
I remember thinking "**** no one misses me"
But that'll change when im gone

Is that truth or hope speaking?
Im not sure anymore.

Happiness and love are feelings i emote

Pretending i could actually feel those things when i know
deep down inside ive always been the darkest force

A movement within me is drawn to my own corpse.
to see myself lying there being lowered down six levels
with people crying and some tears are fake but ill let them
it excites me to think i will actually be celebrated
even if that means i wouldnt be there to celebrate it.
buried away for the world to only remember
even though im sure ill soon be forgotten

all that i need is one moment in the center

To feed the need for love and affection

If im dead will i get the recognition and the distance to close in?

If i get shot dead today
will i ever be missed?

Standing here in my all white dress.
Heart beating right out of my chest.
Looking into the mirror and knowing what's in it.
A broken soul i couldnt fix in an instant.
So i Vow to you, myself, and I
That i will pick you up from every side
I wasnt planning on saying these vows aloud
I just wanted them to be lived,
But i want you to know that im tired of hurting you,
im tired of being hurt myself
it's time that i tend to you and nourish you
its time that i be here not to wound you but to help.
let me put you back together
let us be one again
i was against you forever
now i hope to do the opposite.
i'm not marrying you because im selfish
because im arrogant
i am none of that.
i am simply marrying you because i want to help you grow
i want to celebrate you for what you are
how far you came and to let you know
that through all the pain i will help you let go,
i want to be the only one to make you better
so i can be the only one to blame when you're worse
at least then i can control all the effort
and know that none of it will be taken advantage of.
and you can celebrate you and us
anytime you win
anytime you want.

no more feeling like you're alone when you're not
no more getting in the way of myself.
i want to see myself aspire and accomplish more than what i have
i want to celebrate and not destroy myself i want to have all i can have

i want to make myself happy and not depend on anyone else
i will promise to you if no one is there you have myself.

you're beautiful no matter what i think and that's something i'll show you again,
my vows are not just words or promises they are a lifestyle you and i will live,
together forever just the one of us no more pain

one day when someone realizes your worth,
we can get married again.

I can tear off my own skin
Pull my hair out and break my bones.
None of this will cause me to cry
Like the feeling of being alone.

Your soul; all its liberation.
Amorphous,
I see it in my dreams in the form of its purity.
Crystalline.
I can never catch it
But it captures me.
My only caprice is to love and chase after it.
The feeling I feel from all your presence;
Your dulcet soul
Encompassing me,
I am enraptured, and can not let go,
You're the light
You are ethereal.
The energy you bring to me is exuberant.
Finally
I've found my felicity.
And I am free.
The way you just exist in your form ,
On your own
Incorporeal in your world.
Thanks for letting me in.
You fly and so naturally just exist,
Contentedly pleasing,
So beautifully incandescent.
In all my dreams where you are my vision,
I see you absolutely quiescent.
All your raidiance giving me what I needed.
I can't find on earth
What I find in you.
You in your power defying gravity,
In a sapphire mist, in your own portion of the world, where darkness never lives
Nor visits.
A place so serene,
That is why I only see you in my dreams.
When I am somnolent, and bound to fall down and lay silent,
Witnessing your spherical tranquility with no vestige when I awake,
You take me to my highest point when I am destined to break.
You are transcendent and truly amazing.
I love you in all your lilt sussuration.

sitting on the bathroom floor
smoking kush behind the closed door.
listening to music/ all the bad i can ignore
i use it and i always feel better than i had before.

i think about every decision i've ever made
wondering why i never changed
wondering how things managed to go this way
if i hadnt done the things i did i cant help but imagine what wouldnt be the same

i stare into nothing
just lost
not really here
i can see
i can feel
i can hear
well aware
just not there
not anywhere.

i snap back into me
pull another dab plus
three
the drugs are not just killing me
they set me free
allowing me to be
where i've always wanted to be.
not here
not there...
not anywhere.
still
well aware...

no matter how silently i try to cry
i have very loud tears
i hold my mouth and it hurts to breathe
you dont know the hurt ive found here
you're gone away and i had to stay
i beg you but do you hear me?
i apologize through all the crying i cant speak clearly

i just want you back
i want you and the fact that i cant have you is what kills me.

no matter how quiet i try to be
your silence overpowers me.

light up my whole life.

with you i can only go right.

embedded in my heart is a feeling i'll never stop feeling

i've said it before and i'll keep on repeating

y o u

light up my whole life.

You broke my heart and it never healed.
I still feel the pain after all these years.
It's dying from the sorrow
It's gone blind from the darkness it stays under
I cry at the sound of your name
The thought of your face
I can't keep myself up I fall apart just like that
I wish I could have all of you back
All of us
And what we had.
I still reminisce about when you held me
When I held you
When we held each other.
You didn't let me go
I just wanted you close
That's how we went to sleep and that's how we awoke.
My eyes opened
Your arms around  me
The sound of your voice talking about your dream
The dream that made you so upset
I just listened to every word you said.
I can never forget .
When you Gave up so easy I heard the gun go BOOM.
Bullet shot me dead in the center through and through.

I want to cry for you but then I remember
You only wanted me from august till September
I wanted you for as long as I could breathe
I fell in love with you but your heart it just runs free.
I wish I knew how to make you love me.
But if being without me makes you happy,
My heart will continue to die till I do.
And if you ever should come back to me
We would be revived and still belong to you.

this generation
love's been dead for a while.
     No one knows hows to tell the truth.
If you just want *** you just want to have fun,
Thats fine by me i'll follow that rule.

   but when im alone
and unhappy
    when im upset and no one knows

i wish i had someone to come get me

and hold me so ******* close...

i wish i knew someone i could call

2 hours before the sun rises

come to my rescue before i go crazy
     sit with me and we'll watch the horizon.

i wish i could meet someone who made me feel comfortable and safe
   to make me believe in trust when he's away
he could be my best friend and i his
and we could better each other 'cause that's what life is.

i would say i love you and mean it to death
he'd be the only thought i have in my head

all i want is to have love i can feel
i really just want something real.

i'd do anything for him,
anything he asks,
we'd have our own secrets
we'd share our own laughs.

we'd have all types of times
good and bad

i'd never leave his side or let go of his hand.

he'd be my only desire
the rest of our lives begin down the isle.
then i shed that pretty white dress in the closet



i want something that is real.
not one doubt about it.

Why
Do i
Cause so much pain
To me
you see
i lose but never gain
Family
is supposed to be
family
but not to me
they're the ones who hurt me the most
even more
than i
ever could alone.
its easier to cry than it is to laugh.

its easier to say bye than it is to lend a hand

its easy to wonder why when you're the victim in the case
but when you're the suspect
its easier to be chased

whether you get caught depends on what you do

clean up,
dont waste time,
get in, get out, move.

sometimes the worst gets the better of me too

feels like i land on the sun every time i aim for the moon

and i end up burning to death feeling like the heat just grew.
if only i knew.
it would be this way.

i never
ever
would have saved

myself

that day,
those days
back then

back when
failure followed every attempt

to take myself away from this world.
one day i'll be where i was trying to go

one day i'll see nothing but darkness

one day i really will be all alone.

life just seems to only get harder

and whether i'll last long is something i just dont know.
my thoughts are running around and i keep telling them to stop

i yell and throw all my belongings around

i try to be normal i try not to exist

i try to be happy i dont want to be like this.

im ****** up in every way and no one can help.

i dont know how the **** im gonna make it by myself.

Been high since yesterday.
Good times since yesterday.
Feeling right all day since yesterday.
It's only morning but I've been alright since yesterday.

Was that a dog?
Was it a pair of feet?
Was it real?
Or was it me?

The actors in the show aren't acting,
They're real.
There's no producer no casting,
And I feel,

I feel every thing that happens,
And it's like I'm going through it.
Even when the show ends,
replay and it's like new again.


What was i just doing?

I can't stay still my mind keeps on moving.

am I dead?
Am i alive?
is this my after life?
Can people see me?
Am i here?
i fear nothing but fear.


I cant be alone,
these two will **** each other.
it's hard to have so many personalities
one cant escape another.

papers
clothes
trash
everywhere

my thoughts
my feelings
buried somewhere under there

my voice
is overcome
by more voices
than one

mine is the weakest

schizophrenia is so hard to love.

maybe thats why no one does.

maybe thats why im not wanted.

depressed for a week \
happy for a day
suicidal for 3 years
i just want to go away

i cant control my thoughts
i cant control my actions
i cant help whats wrong

matter of fact who can then?

feels like no one.

medicine and hospitals
i know thats where ill end up
wont be the first time you know.

second,
third,
i really dont even care
i hate it so much on the outside what does it matter if i get locked up there?

mood swings
heavy
so heavy the metal bends

bipolar girl gets worse
she's all ****** up in the head.

i want to **** myself
obviously not enough to have done it
ive tried so many times but every time just wasnt working

pills
syrup
poison
cuts
suffocation
hanging
and i still wont give up

why me why cant i

fly free

like i was supposed to

why must i go through

life being;

so sick and poisoned

im a sweet girl

because of my sickness youd never know it.

it gets worse over time and my mind just keeps on showing.

im forgetting how to spell
where i left my keys
i'm forgetting how i fell
where i left my ID

did i do that
did it happen?
was it a dream?
did i imagine?

whats happening?
what is life?

none of this is real
its all a lie.

i cant help it
twisted mind
i wish i was normal
sickness of mine.

I feel like I've broken down
I've become a brand.
I'm all sold out.
And people buy with short hands.

my breath smells like my mouth is made of alcohol.
my eyes are low and i cant walk.
i just did what i had to in order to feel wanted
i just did what i can do to feel worthy.

all my life i've tried to keep people who dont love me.
and my product is wasting all over the place.
i need to clean it up but there's too much to do.
i just sit here and watch my business break.

Has this ever happened to you?
Strange that it happened to me...
I came across a stranger I never thought I'd meet.
Stranger has a journal
Stranger let me read
And inside of those pages seemed every word was written to me.
Yet I had never met this soul a second of my life.
Seems they have written  a response to my every move over time,
Wrong or right,
Stranger knows me.
Stranger apparently not,
Journal showed me...
What do I do now?
With this feeling I have for them?
If I carry it out I'll surely lose again.
There's a pattern in that journal
I make the same mistake that hurts me
So naive I just fall free into anybody's arms who I seem open up,
And when they close and I hit the ground and I break I want to give up.

Stranger told me

Stranger knows me

No need to think inside.

"I already know things, you dont have to hide, I wrote everything. I know your kind".

Feels like 3 days but its only been one.

Feels like my place in darkness is done.
Feel like my face is finally enough and my ways are actually going up.


I know better
Its too good to be true.
It didn't happen to me
Maybe it'll happen to you.

been some hundred years since your death

yet you're still haunting me
i can feel you hanging over my head

like a child your energy taunting me.
the strings on my hands aren't being pulled

a puppet to you and because of it i cant move

unless you decide to pull the strings loose

and let me go away,
away from you.

i can feel you coursing through my brain
after you died i hadnt felt the same

100 years and i still feel your pain

i dont know what you want but it hurts so bad.
to not be able to let go of what i thought i had

already let go of.

tell me what i have to do.
tell me how to satisfy you.

go rest in peace as you should

i cant help you now although i wish i could

stop hurting me i dont know what you want.

how can i get you to finally give up

you're speaking to me in darkness
a language i dont understand.

silence picks up my string and waves my two hands.

goodbye,

old friend.

will i see you again?

the strings were cut
my time is up

now i know what you want

you're alone in your world

well, friend, here i come.

My bipolar strings are being plucked.
I'm getting impatient and tired as ****.
I want to go home and lay down and sleep
A room full of kids is not  my place to be.
I don't want to be stuck here I really want to leave.
And all this ******* anger is building inside of me.

The time has come
The heat
must
Run
The leaves
Leave
Their trees
Winter is slowly coming
Get ready
For the
Heavy
Scarves and bundles of warmth
Summer is running
Winter brings snowmade forts
Sparkly snow
If you look real close
You can see the tiny lights glow
Happiness grows
Even in the
cold
I can already taste the hot coacoa.

The bright white nights
The light pink skies
The dreadful early mornings
I love the winter time.

;;;;;;n[4mnbjjjjsssssf

The whole world shut down

Swallowed by darkness.

And how come in this pitch black
He sparkles like stars then?

I can look up and down but can't take my eyes off him

He rocks my soul to sleep just listening to him talking.

I love his voice and his gorgeous eyes,

Like looking over the sea at the sun rise

I stare in awe completely memorized,
And

I can't explain the energy inside.


When I found him I lost my mind

I won't be looking for it for a very long time.

I want the world to be dark for the rest of my life

He is the one star I look up to every night

As long as he's up there I know this is life.

How do i know you're not fooling me?
How can you tell I'm not fooling you?
One mustn't assume another's foolery
Nor can I ever doubt you fooling me.
Take me somewhere Far away
If I meant that does It mean I mean what I say?
If I trusted you would that be sane?
Considering I met you before yesterday.
Take me where I know you go
Where you spend most of your time alone
Let me wallow in all your Depths
Let me Follow in your foot steps.
I want to show you something cool
I want to know if You'd be afraid.
This whole message is about the fool
Two of them together what does that say?
Can I trust you or would I be stupid?
Can you trust me without feeling foolish?
Love me without losing.
If I can't love you then who am i fooling?