With my knife in my hands
in plain sight
i dont give a ****
you're going to die.
pay for what you did to me
I can never get back what you took from me
I'm coming after you tonight
And you dont even know it.
off to Tabor ave
she goes
with everything she has
he owes
she will take what he should have that night
i swear to god you should have taken my life
out front before the building you took me into.
i lost my sanity im just waiting for you.
staring into the future
yet remembering what you did here.
i was naive i was vulnerable
i was stupid to think you were harmless
Never again will you hurt another soul
i have to make sure i end you.
the darkness wont let go
and neither will i
until i see your face again
and raise my knife as high
high as i can with full force push through
pushing all of this world out of you.
part of me feels ready and knows exactly what to do.
the other part isnt so sure i wont break down to tell the truth.
all i want is to deliver pain
to the man who destroyed me
you should have killed me instead of ****
they wont see me as a murderer , but a vigilante.

sitting on the floor under the tunnel of murdered love.
are we ready for this .. again?
smoking the cigarette down to the ****..
wishing the night had just begun
but it's come to an end.
have we?
or are we strong enough to keep going.
**** him or be dragged to death
silence the crowd in my head.
close your eyes and feel what i feel.
my heart bleeding through my chest.
open wound in my little *****,
a wound that'll never close again.
i broke myself reaching out to you.
i chose this hell im coming down to you.
i'll never forget how your love makes me sin.
or the way you make my darkness grin.
piece back together whats left of me that is alive.
put out this fire that has burned all of me inside.
your love is an energy that controls me in all its power.
i want to wake up from this marriage of ours.
take half take it all i want nothing of you back.
you destroyed the colors i could see and made everything all black.
except for the white blood that i bleed when i remember what we had.
my heart rips open from my hands
i thought i could live without you but i cant.
i live no life if we are not together.
heart beats inside but a funeral forever.
broken wings and absent halo/
i lost it somewhere on the way home/
through your arms and to your heart,
if light is beyond you i'll die in the dark.

the fact that you did what you did and i couldnt stop it

makes me cry

makes me want to die..

a feeling so disgusting
no amount of soap or water could sanitize.

the fact that i trusted you and you held me down while you slit my innocence,

i broke apart and the suicidal feeling becomes infinite.

what you did.

Now a days the truth is more than we wanted to know.

some people believe it,
some people dont.

Now a days acceptance is spreading quite fast,
it's becoming the foundation of how long we will last.

honesty will bring people to unimaginable lengths

honestly it has made me an irrational mess.

i wish that i could scream till my lungs would explode.
before i leave the world my truths shall be told.

everything fact i keep inside will leave everyone else exposed.

the truth is the truth is much more than you'll ever know.

this burden should not be mine it should be his.
i dont know what to do but what i dont want to do is live.

how has this fire destroyed me entirely

when he and i were both equally lit?

my whole life i believed in so many different things.
as i grew up i found more and more of them to be *******.

my whole life i was skeptical about whether or not i belong here.

and almost 19 years old i know that i dont.

i would never throw blame for anything i've ever done.
but the truth now a days will make you want to run.




if i need my veins to carry my blood
if i need my heart to beat for my life,
if my brain keeps me aware and all of this stops,
really is there any afterlife?

the truth is in my head and circles surround it.
those circles are destructive and i completely allowed it.

i cant believe i lasted almost 19 years long.
the truth beat me to death i know after that i cant go on.

You were like fire.
Spread across my heart burning every part,
No one could put you out.
Not even me.
You were like fire.
Sending me to my grave.
Ashes instead of flesh
Burn victim could not be saved.
No controlling this deadly flame.
Oh Jesus I'm calling your name.
This fire can never be tamed.
Ohh lord please someone help me.
Call the fire department
Tell them my whole world is melting.
Beneath death I am covered.
Buried 8 feet under.
I'm calling quits on my guarded wall,
I'm giving in to my lover.

you can ask all the questions you want.
just dont expect me to tell you the truth.
you say you wonder if im okay..
far from it but still walking through.

something really bad took place.
wasnt the first time it happened.
you can tell by the event i am not the same.
i wont bother smiling or laughing.
nobody will believe me
simply because i couldnt count
how many times these things
happen to me and look now...
im ****** up.
im worthy of every pleasure
but love.
howcome its so hard to care for me?
even i cant do it enough to be smart.
why is it impossible to be there for me?
maybe cuz i been through too ******* much...
i cant handle another crack in my chest.
i cant keep another secret for anyone elses

best interest

i cant ******* sleep at night so im deprived of rest that i need cuz i cant live with life being so...
unfair...

do i really put myself in these situations?

theres nothing that hasnt happened to me that i wasnt able to get away from.

yet im still running and the problems are chasing...

and they're all right there i didnt know they were waiting...

i cant think of suicide one more ******* time.
i cant ignore the fact that every one thinks every word i say is a lie.

i cant live with myself being the most ****** up when all i ever do is help every one else...

why do i feel so compelled to make others happy...

when inside its ******* killing me its ******* tearing at me...

im falling apart in my own head i really am..
i cant live through another fall i just cant...
i feel so dead inside and its bound to show itself.
if it hasnt already.
i need to get something to help me survive.
if life'll let me.

theres nothing in this world or out that could put me together in one piece again...

the contemplation of wanting to continue this life breaks the peace again....

everything was settling down and my thoughts were finally silent

until the gun shots went off trigger to my head and it was me behind it.

i feel like im losing control of my life.
i can sense the beginning of me losing the fight.
i expected to get better before i could get any worse
but what with all the drugs and the lack of recognition and self-worth

lack of motivation
i really have gone crazy
my actions have died lazy
and ive just been done chasing.

ill let life drag me into the tornado of the rest of us

people like me who lose to finding love

people like me who forget what they want.

its so hard to be the strongest one.

but its over,
i just want to have fun,
im not gonna try so hard, im done.

your eyes


transparent pupils

black irises

i can see the world through your sclera.

Like a mirror it reflects and shows me


not only what you see


but what the world doesnt .

i'd never hurt you but if i could

i'd cut you open to see what pours out.




maybe it heals right back up.

maybe you bleed white blood.


you dont have a heart that beats like mine.


your love is power that can be felt
and when i feel it i become paralyzed


but leave me powerless i want your love.



as if you knew me another time and i have no recollection



like you created my desires and the way i crave affection.




you're unique in yourself and your strength overtakes me.


i want to be the only one you build on, you cant replace me.




when i laid my head on your chest


my heart beat stopped and i lost every breath


i sunk into your energy and your body took me in.


your mind controlled my happiness and your love let me live.




without you i would lose everything i could ever win.





you are a force i could never go against.




insanity is normality and you make me feel....



i dont want this to end for as long as you are real.


you guide me towards a smile and that smile is always here.



but without you i'm left misguided, lost and no where near.




you can hear, see and affect me and the only way i know


is because you're the only creature who could do that with all your senses off.



if the world flooded tonight i dont know how to swim.




but i'd be breathing just fine as through your power i shall live.


you are a beautiful structure that i just cant resist to love.
if i never get to understand you i'll just understand you are the one.


you are so flawless i can stare at you forever,


i'll never get tired of seeing what keeps me together.

what's crazy yet amazing is you are completely humane.



yet foreign inside,


i can not tell from where you came.




all i know is you hit me and the force knocked me dead.


but i woke up and there i was,
my head lay on your chest.

Not again.
I think I like him.
But we're just friends.

i want enough liquor to make me sick
i want the most toxic **** for killer spliffs.
i want all the coke that i can get.
overdose tonight so every other i'll forget.
want nothing to do with sobriety or real life.
all my reality is is  just not right.
everything i do is for a good cause
but i cant seem to be cared for at all.
i want to sit on the floor, drugged and laughing.
i want to run on the walls free and happy.
i want to lose myself and not be me for the night.
overdose on the bitter sweetness of life.
possibly slipping into the next, and if i do, goodnight.

your love sits on my chest like an overweight elephant,
imagine all that weight plus the obesity of your neglect,
crushing my heart that was once so delicate...
breaking the whole foundation of my chest.
i try to push back but my arms snap under the pressure,
i try not to love you so the weight might lessen.
but i never seemed to be able to lift you and your darkness.
because of you it takes much more pain for me to be broken hearted.
it may sound better, like nothing phases me as much..
but if pain and more pain affects me like nothing,
then how will i ever be strong enough to build myself,
how will i ever stop falling and finally get up...
i wish that you'd just get off me i wish you'd just roll over.
instead it seems you keep eating and the disease is moving closer.
instead of affecting you it drops right down to me,
my heart explodes and bleeds and you finally get up to leave.

i remember when my life was simple.
when i had everything to live for.

i place my ******* on my chest
right under my left breast
feel my heart beating but i dont want it to any more.
i want the life i had before.

i wish that i could just do it.
the knife is pressing my skin but wont go through it.
what is scaring me more than to continue living?
the pain?

letting go of what i know i hate doing?
life...

what's keeping me from leaving it?
that i can't come back to it or that i'll be bleeding then?

blood makes it real,
blood will make me feel,
and by then it would be too late.
my life all over the blade.

what's stopping me, i mean really?
i really want to go, right?

or do i want to stay and just live a better life?
that's the problem.
i dont know how to make it better.
i just want the life i had, i want the life that i remember.

She's abandoned.
She's sick.
She's so sweet,
Her heart is thick.
She's full of flaws,
Scars on every inch of her skin,
She doesn't speak because no one listens.
Depressed but mistaken for happy.
Locks the emotions away when she's angry.
Pleases everyone else without acceptation for herself.
She adopted a lonely spirit,
Whom replaced the one she was born with.
Over time they beat the crap out of her,
She could only feel more alone, then.
She has so many experiences that you just would  not believe.
They'd sound like stories and even more they'd make you feel like you had just gotten beat.
They'd make you feel the need to feel free and alive,
She's been killed and brought back to this devil of her life.
She's been destroyed and put together again so many times,
She doesn't know when it'll end but she's already gone inside.
Her mind is so open you could walk right in.
Have a seat, look around, ask any questions.
You can pick her heart up and she won't even gasp,
Until you drop it and the pieces cut you like glass.
She'll run for the broom and pick it all up,
Sew together that beautiful cut.
She hopes that now she's worthy of your presence and memory.
She wants to be cared for,
She needs company.
Every day is the same for her, nothing ever changes.
The suffering is routine and she hides all the pain.
Even though she's so hurt that she has a knife by her bed,
She can not seem to think of leaving her head.
If someone should come in and sit down and read,
They too,
Will have the knife,
But never be able to leave.

and yet another sad poem.
because i cant seem to fix my problems.
because the issues that i have i cant do anything about them.
i wish that i were someone else.
i couldnt just be normal, could i?
and people offer to help but they only say it they dont mean it at all.
i do for everyone to make them happy,
maybe they'll love me maybe they'll thank me,
instead they send me away and as much as it hurts i still care and give them all my effort...
i dont want to live any more no i dont.
i dont want to give any more of my self.
i dont want to live any more i just cant...
i want to end it right now but love is holding my hand,
telling me please, stay,
dont hurt your family.
but what about them they never care if they hurt me...
why should i stay?
when i feel no value at all.
worthless,
i dont deserve this,
i pick myself up when i fall
because no one else will help me.
i dont have a purpose.
if serving people is all im good for,
its just not working.
i love to care and i love to make them happy.
but when they tear me apart in return i cant help but want to die.
and when i do they'll say they miss me and of course theyll wonder why.
i dont know what awaits me if there is another side,
but i know i'll find out soon because im running out of time.
i cant seem to be worthy of caring for no matter how hard i try.
i dont know how or when i'll go but when i do i hope they'll be alright.

Heart breaking..
No.
You took my heart and drove.
Head first into fire.
And you let it burn and die there.
Explain to me why anyone deserves you.
Explain how it is fair so many people have served you
And when anyone tries to fight you win by taking their life

It's ****** up and I hate you it's undone I'm gonna chase you till you open up and explain I'm gonna set fire to your rain and hope that we find a cure to replace you.

Explain how I'm supposed to live without my mother.
Explain how a kid explains this to her brother.
Explain how 3 children are to continue living everyday when they know they haven't seen mom in a week, a year, now they're fourteen its freshman year and they can't go back to being normal.
Everything changed because you destroyed them.

And I wish there was a way to avoid it.
But its too late you have her now and she's going...

I'll burn the cancer that kills my mother.
I'll torch you harder than you ever hurt us.
I'll take you out with a single dose.
Strong enough to cure a dozen folk.
And you'll never come back for another one of our people.
If you do,
That time the fight for you will be lethal.

"My cancer finally kicked in"
Mom says.
I guess her stage progressed.
Is that why she pushed me away this year?
Is that why she went on vacation and left us all here?
Coming slowly down the stairs with fluid in her belly.
I want to hold my tears but they've gotten too heavy.
I understand why she's been so mean.
I slice my hands as I scream
"mommy"
"Mommy"
"I don't want you to leave..."
"I forgive you for every thing you've ever done to me".
"Mommy, I love you.. Don't want you to go."
"cancer can't take you don't leave me alone"
She goes to the e.r but what can they do?
Cancer is killing my mom this afternoon
And I can't bare to look but I don't want to look away
Because what if when I close my eyes she goes to stay...
Cancer is taking my mommy home.
Cancer please leave my mom alone.

As I scream and rip my skin and my hair and my heart
Cancer is the reason I keep myself in the dark.
When my mom goes for good and they roll her down in the grave

I'll be pulling the knife from my chest as I scream

I'm coming

I have a voice
And it speaks
But silence
Speaks louder
I have a heart
That bleeds
Bleeds love
But inside there's,
Something
Like a weakness
My voice becomes stronger
And my love
Stops bleeding
You will hurt me
No longer.

Laying in an abandoned car outside of my house.
Wondering and trying to figure out what everything is about.
It can't be that complicated, what if life is really simple?
You get up, you survive and you move forward little by little.
The trees are wet from the rain I brought down,
They're waving at me as the wind dries them out.
My heart ripped open and all that was poured was pure poison,
It's the venom I use to keep myself from being used,
I feel like I'm gonna relapse and fall in love with this dude,
But he's not right for me and I'm no good for him.
We'd only **** each other till the world ends.
I wish I could be normal but my mentality is so lost,
And everything I think of is almost always wrong.
People don't get me,
I'm sure my parents regret me,
I know I could keep going but my heart won't let me.
It's falling apart and it's getting even harder to pretend when no one will accept me.
Marijuana keeps me alright and I haven't had it in a week.
I tried to change for this boy who doesn't even like me.
I should've known better I don't like to be clean.
I want to be as influenced as possible till my blood turns green,
Like the **** like the money like all the finer things.
But that doesn't appeal to me in reality.
I just want someone who will Still love me after they've been mad at me.
Power and hopelessness fight in my mind.
And I can't seem to referee no matter how hard I try.
The rules are always broken and one of them always dies,
Hopelessness wins and I'm left here to wonder and figure out why.

i wonder what you were doing in your final days.
seems like best things are always taken away.
were you having fun or were you in pain?
i wish that nothing happened, i wished everything hadn't changed.
i know this day is the worst for your family.
i remember when i found out it hurt kayla and me.
i couldnt believe what she said and i didnt ever want to...
a year later without you and all we want is you.
you dont have to come back to earth but it'd be nice to know you're alright.
your soul is what i reach out to,
i always think about you i just wish i could communicate with light

so i could hear you when you speak,
and know whenever you heard mine.
the stars that shine and stay above my head,
i know that it's you when i look into the night,
call upon your name and let you know you're not alone.
some times i see your face and i never close my eyes.
i think i believe in fait but it's hard to really say 'cause of all the falling pains it's like an ocean of poisoned rain,
and i never learned how to swim above the surface so i could live,
so i fall miles to the bottom where all the darkness is..
and i look around for you to see if you're real,  
and i can never wash the emptiness that i feel...
i just hope there is a god and if there is i hope to god that you live at peace right now, i cant believe it's been a year and you had to leave right now...
at times i can hear something telling me it's okay,
answering my questions to you as if i were insane,
it's inside my head so i dont trust that it'd be you,
i could just be delusional and imagining the truth,
if you can see this you know,
my mind is not easily fooled,
but the one time i'm not ashamed to be stupid is the times i believe that i am in touch with you.

It's been a year since he took you from the world and still I can't see you ever being gone...
I wish that I could take my beating heart and place it in your lifeless body,
bring you back with bleeding arms just to show me you are alive and embodied,
I wish that I could give my lungs to you,
The ones he shot the bullet through,
So you can breathe and be , just to be, but BE,
Don't be dead... just be...
I hate thinking about the truth because the truth is we lost you...
If you have a soul and you really did go ,
you passed on that's all i want to know...
Just that you're okay and you're not hurting to this day,
I don't want to believe that you're just lying in a coffin under the ground people walk on and i dont want to believe that that was the end ...
of you...
i want to put my hand on your chest and feel something ,
i want to see your face and be able to read it... living...
i need to know that you're still alive in some sense...
and since my life hasnt gotten any better,
i think i'll come to you.
to give you my heart and my lungs to use...
i dont want to believe anything about death.
i want to know you're at peace but in reality you're dead.
when i talk to you do you hear me?
when i smile at you do you see me?
when i call your name 50 times a day,
do you come to me to relieve me?
of this empty endless pain....
i just want to know...
that you
are okay...
i dont think i'll be able to read this over without a whole meltdown moving closer,
and i dont want to do that but how can i not?
i've just been through this so many times...

i dont want to make you sad
i dont know if you can see this but if you can,
i love you and i want you to know one thing...
it'll always be
"live on",
never
"rest in peace".
i feel like the loss arrested me... and im in prison awaiting release.
the way your death affected me is like i got smashed to un-fixable pieces..
i never thought i could be destroyed but he did...
when i found out what he did and that what he did could never be fixed...
i want to go to the end of the world and jump off of the highest cliff.
feel my body falling fast and death approaching faster.
nothing to catch me but life that comes after...
and when i see your face again i know that i am home...
and that what was taken from all of us was never really gone.

My thoughts are clouding the core of my skull

I can feel the storm coming but there's no where to go.
Shelter is beyond reach in my world where the suffering never sleeps and the pain never dies.

I hate it here.
I feel wasted here.
   Time isn't measured on this planet it just goes by.

And I sit here I never move because even if I do I stay behind.
Miles of space devoured by darkness,
All alone in this place I hate to say I can't take it but the energy it takes to fake it goes passed the skies, and...

I just ask myself why...

I choose to stay and die here.

When I so clearly have no need for existence or being alive here,

People... they offer help.
      They see me struggling by myself.

But when I accept it and let them in they turn around and walk away and leave me in this grave...

And I'm left more broken than before,
Emotions fall in their coffins once more,

I am silent as a corpse,
But my silence lies beneath much more...

My tears are loud and so ******* heavy.

I look in the mirror and whisper "please let me"...
Let me take you away let me show you a place where the look on your face isn't always the same,
The same look of sadness expressing how unhappy,
how abandoned and torn apart you are let me show you what could happen,
When you let what you imagine become what really happens,
And you make this ****** world the only place where you are happy.