What is home?
The word “home” is where someone lives.
A home is where they have family.
How does that quote go?
“Home is where the heart is.”
I don’t know what that means.
Today I was driving on Williams Field and Lindsay,
Heading east towards Higley.
I thought of the Pizza place that I’ve never been to.
Zella’s, it’s called.
Bosa Donuts right across the road, which is also ironically right next to a gym.
I thought about all the shops that are on this one street,
And then I thought of “home.”
The green fields of Wisconsin,
Or the desert areas of Mesa, Arizona?
I know this city better than I know the town I grew up in.
I know the roads, the weather patterns.
I know where to find the gas stations
And the corner stores.
Which parts of town are the “good” parts.
Which are the bad parts.
But we’re back to the same question.
What is home?
Because I live here in Arizona,
I know the streets and I love the city.
But I’m by myself.
What is home,
Because all my family lives in Wisconsin,
And I can’t even remember how to navigate
The town I grew up in anymore?
What is home,
Because my heart is here, with this city,
But I find myself missing Wisconsin more than ever?

Daydreaming all day thinking in future timing
and feeling happy
like a sailboat on a calm ocean
in Malibu, California.
Paying no regard to the rocky bottom;
it can't reach me all the way
on the smooth surface.
The May flowers are finally flowering
after April spent it's time showering
and March covered in snow.
I'm so hopeful.

When the house is on fire,
Do you wait around and discuss the fire,
Or do you get out of the ******* house?
See, a rational human would smell the smoke,
Or feel the heat,
Or hear the alarms going off,
And tuck tail and run.
But me?
If you told me to stay in this blazing fortress,
I would.
If you told me you needed me to stay, until there was
Nothing but ashes around me, I would.
I'm a sucker for pain, everyone knows that.
Even if it hurts me, I'd still do it for you.
I know that's not healthy,
But I love you.

How many more children have to die
before we stop believing the lie that
America is safe
and America is great
and that we all live under the rule of a really great guy?
Before all our children don't need to vie
just to survive
going to school and coming out again alive?
Before mental disorders stop being the
brunt end of a joke
and that maybe there might be hope
that those who suffer don't have to walk on a tightrope?
What about when we can start living in harmony?
When we stop judging others and
start shunning dishonorary
acts of violence
acts of hate
and acts of crime before it's to late?
How many more children have to die?
How many?
How many?
How many?
How many???

-Spider

Hunter. I miss you so much. It feels unreal that you're gone. When I found out that you died it was like someone had just kicked me right in the gut. It knocked the wind out of me. You, Jason, and Landen all in a car accident. You were in the back seat; you had no control over what was gonna happen. Jason was driving. Too fast. He was driving way too fast for Cranberry Road. He lost control of the car and you all got wrapped around a tree.

And then you exploded.

The car was a fiery wreck when the ambulance and the fire trucks and police came. What were you thinking when he lost control of the car? Were you scared? Did you even have enough time to be scared? When they found you, you were burned beyond recognition. They needed your dental records to identify you. I keep seeing your face everywhere I look. I forget that you're gone for a minute and then it's like I just found out all over again. I miss you Hunter. You were so goofy.

I remember two or three years ago we were watching a Packers game at Mandie's friend's house. You saw me eating fruit snacks and you asked me for some. I gave you a pack and that's when it started. Every day at school after that, you'd ask me for my fruit snacks at lunch. I miss that, Hunter. I miss hearing your voice in the choir or in the new musicals. You were so talented. You were nice and funny and the biggest dork I know. I love you, buddy.

Are love and hate the same thing?
I think I know enough of hate
to know that it doesn't get one very far.
You can only hate so much
before you drain yourself from exhaustion.

But I think know enough of love
to say about the same.

Sometimes hate leaves people feeling
hot and angry and lastly, empty.
But love does just that too.

When someone you love hurts you,
you still love them,
but you're only angry at them.

Hate makes it really hard to let go
of wrong doings and vengefulness.
People who feel love know that
cutting the rope is just as hard.

The different thing about them though,
is that when you love someone
you would do anything in the world for them.
But when you hate someone,
especially someone you once loved,
the world does not exist anymore.

You would do anything just to see
their joy turn to ashes in their mouths.

.

I've been feeling out of breath lately.
My lungs don't inflate properly anymore.
Waking up is the most taxing task that I have to accomplish on a daily basis.
I've been sleeping in,
And even after I wake up I stay in bed for hours.
It feels like the weight of the world
is crushing my chest.
Like an anvil is being dropped on my shoulders a hundred times a day.
I feel like Giles Corey;
Crushed by the weight of falling rocks.
Rocks that look like people I know.
Rocks that feel like sorrow and death and tears.
Being pressed to death by demons that accuse me of wrongness,
by demons who surround my head with dark thoughts;
by demons who claw at my throat,
tell me to do bad things.
I'm constantly running from the black mist in my mind.
Trying not to be swallowed by it.
But I can feel these shadows on my back,
and what lurks in this darkness nipping at my ankles.
And the more I run,
the more out of breath I feel.
And when I turn to give in to the shadows,
I have no more breath.
I can't inhale, because I've been crushed.
I suffocate; I can feel my soul dying a little,
Piece by piece, it crumbles until I am nothing.
I am out of breath now.

i lost my family again.
the happiest hours of my life turned
black with sadness again.
it's a lonesome life when you lose the ones you live for.
it's like you can feel your heart
physically being ripped out of your chest.
you can feel it break for the ones you care most for.
and for what?
because someone can't stand
that someone else around her is happy?
my heart is shredded into more and more pieces
every day.
i miss my siblings terribly.
yet i can't see them because a terrible *****
rules over the kingdom that was once
my home.
i lost them.
i lost my family.

When I was very little, my dad used to make up songs about what he was doing around the house.
Getting ready to go fishing, he'd make up a song.
Making lunch; he'd make up a song.
And once, he was making coffee, and I vaguely remember it.
My dad was holding me while he was pouring the coffee into the coffee filter,
The water in the coffee ***.
I remember him looking at me and smiling and then he sang:
"I love coffee," he'd sing and I'd echo with what he'd sing.
"Coffee every day,"
"When I wake in the morning,"
"It gets me on my way."

-J

Because he makes my heart skip a beat,
Nor do I mind our feet touching feet.
”Magic is of the moment,
And when the magic does fleet
There goes but the moment.”


-j

It's because I loved you
that I feel like this right now.
Why I feel like gouging my own eyes out;
why I'm shaking anxiously at coffee rush with Kylar.
It's because I realized that I loved you
and you lied to me.
I was nothing if not honest with you about how I felt
and you lied to me.
You deceived me and the told me
I was the one lying.
I settle for the untruth these last 2 and a half months
just so I wouldn't cause you strife.
And now I'm finally angry and feeling
how I am supposed to feel.
You're a piece of ******* garbage.
A lazy dog lying on someone else's bed
mooching off of everyone around you.
I don't see you being an independent adult in the near future.
I hate you.

i wonder about the things people would think
if i suddenly disappeared.
i wonder if it would benefit certain people
but not others.
if my heart suddenly stopped,
who would be so affected that they would grieve?
who wouldn't?
i wonder if i would be able to watch them.
to watch their feelings and their thoughts run through their heads.
"Maybe that's what death is? Forgetting... Being forgotten."
i wish i could erase my memory.
from my mind.
from this earth.
from the lives of people that i have impacted.

I waited to tell her about something important.
I asked her if she knew I would tell her if anything worrying would have happened.
"Yes" she said.
I debated on telling her right then and there.
It had been eating at me since Thursday.
He had been saying worrying things for a few days.
I hadn't engaged in it,
or tried to engage in it either.
I wanted to make sure that it was the right thing to do.
I felt guilty about not telling her.
So I had to.
I don't want to be the one to hurt her this time.

Today I went to Coffee Rush.
I got my usual caramel nut latte and sat outside.
I lit a cigarette and eavesdropped on
all the people there with their friends.
I left a while later and headed to the salt river.
I stayed there for several hours
listening to the wind in the trees and the
trout jumping to catch their next meal.
I felt at peace.
The sun was shining on my skin and warming
my heart up.
I was fine
but then you showed up.
I pushed you out of my head as soon as you popped in.
And what do you know?
I felt free.
On my way home, I stopped back at Coffee Rush.
Sat outside, lit my smoke, eavesdropped.
My phone buzzed, and
it surprised me a little bit.
I was fine
until you showed up.
I left the coffee shop in a hurry and sped home.
I felt angry, and then nothing.
Angry.
Nothing.
Angry
Nothing.
Back and forth until it exhausted me.
Now I lay in my bed
feeling nothing
except tired, but not tired enough to sleep.
I was fine until you showed up.

.

It'll get better.
You're young, and you still have a life to live.
No matter how deep inside a hole you feel,
You can always dig yourself out.
You can find that light,
Whether it's in music or video games,
In art,
In science...
Or even in yourself.
You will survive because I believe in you.

I was strolling down my suburban street
Wandering, pondering, enjoying the day,
When, as the pavement hit my feet,
A calming thought came my way.

It floated gently to me, riding on the wind,
And implanted itself in my buzzing brain.
I know, strangely I say this with a grin,
But if falls off my tongue like a gentle Autumn rain.

If things had gone like I planned, 3 months ago I'd be dead.
I would breathe no breath to fill my lungs.
Bear no thoughts to behold my head.
Live no longer to climb life's rungs.

I would be gone, like a whisper in the dark,
Absconding into the unknown oblivion waters of Lethe.
But instead, I flew; like a skylark,
and disengaged my rusty sword from rusty sheath.

I fought my way out from that blistering Hell,
And my cold, frosted skin welcomed the morning sun.
I heard, then, what I can only describe as a victory bell.
At that moment I knew that I had won.

I dug myself out of this deep, dank grave
And found myself smiling at the trees.
My ears perk while songbirds rave,
And I accepted against my flesh, the breeze.

I sped down Lindsay road going 15 miles over the usual 45.
"I'm still playing, just on the phone. I have my mic turned off now."
I sped even faster.
I felt my eyes glaze over and I saw red.
I never really was one to drive so carelessly,
but when he said that in the discord chat,
I felt cold.

Landin.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, ******.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Love,
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,

Khloe.
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You're beautiful.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Love,
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.

She’s the kind of friend who knows what you think before you think it.
Her laugh is familiar,
Like hot chocolate on a winter day.
Her presence is safe;
She reminds you of that big tree fort you and your brother built to hide from the fairies
And forest monsters.
Her room is home to you.
It’s where you go when something goes bump in the night.
She will never judge you for the out of pocket things you say or do, and
Her watchful eyes make you feel
Protected and seen for who you are.
She leaves tomorrow.
Back to Kentucky, 2,000 miles away.
And now you’re afraid
That you’ll never have a cup of hot chocolate again.
That the monsters and the fairies will finally catch you
Or the bumps in the night paralyze you with fear.
Nobody will ever know your soul
The way she did
And you’re afraid of being unknown and alone again.

This past week has been a blur.
A range of emotions from
anger
sadness
confusion
to
happiness
excitement
bliss.
For nearly 3 months I prayed he would come back.
I loved him, and still do.
I knew we could work it out.
I believed so firmly that we were the ones for each other.
And here we are,
a week after getting back to talking.
It's almost like nothing has changed.

What is love but the air we breathe?
What is love but the sun on our backs?
Is it love that drives us humans to be?
Is it love that keeps us on track?

Love is the color of the setting sun;
Blissfully orange, tomorrow's blooming begun.
Love is the taste of a bitter ***;
Down your throat does it's fire run.

Be it love that grieves us so?
Be it love that gives winter's sorrow?
It is love lost, I am told,
That makes the human heart grow cold.

What is love but the darkness of the night?
What is love but heartbreak's plight?
Love is just a waste of time
If I can no longer call you mine.

I have always had lucid dreams
I've had dreams that I will never ever forget
about my life
about dead friends
about the future...
I've come to understand nearly all of my
dreams and predictions.
But for some reason,
I just cant seem to ******* understand this one.

I was watching myself watch you. You were sitting on the other side of a window with her and you didn't notice me. You seemed happy. She seemed happy too. She was in a blue tank top with pink earbuds in her ears, and you were both watching something. Smiling, laughing. You saw me, nodded your head and smiled.

I don't ******* understand the significance of this ******* dream, why it was so clear, or what it was about. All I know is that it makes my blood boil. I am not going to miss you. I don't want to miss you. I refuse.

There is always a reason
why people listen to certain songs.
To certain artists.
To certain genres.
Somehow, music has this mysterious
Enchantment over the human brain.
Something that makes
Even the most aloof brain
click.
I listen to songs that I can relate to,
Or songs that have the ability to bring out emotion in me.
I listen to songs that make me sad
When I'm sad
Because the slow melodies are
comforting.
Sometimes what a person listens to,
Is a reflection of themselves on the inside.
I went through two playlists from people
I don't particularly like.
One of them must be very angry,
But he must find comfort knowing that his anger can be channeled through music.
The other one, though,
Her playlist was like
mine.
Sad songs for a sad person
About being broken, or lost.
About being able to see the future,
But not see yourself in it.
I think I understand now why it happened so quickly.
She's like me.

"All I do is work
Money money money
Getting hoes
Money money money
But i have no money
All i have is sadness"

Sometimes I'm a little jumpy
when you go to touch my body.
While I know you'll never hurt me,
I always wonder
if you might.

You were always so upset
for reasons I still don't know.
I did my best for you and gave you
all I had to offer.
You still hurt me.

It's not your fault that the memory
of stone fists is forever
burned into my brain.
It's not your fault that I chose
that path four years ago.

You came on to me like a
Hummingbird to honeysuckle.
You ****** me dry and you left me to die alone.
I forgive you, but sometimes...
It still really hurts.

Sometimes...
I'm really jumpy when you go to touch my body.
I can see the wonder in your eyes;
I see the questions.
I'll answer them as soon as the woe leaves me.
I love you.

You, too.

.

One year ago today, Christina Grimmie was taken from us. I remember sitting in my best friend's room watching her videos and saying "How does she even hit those notes!?!?" And since then, I've been there with Christina every step of the way. From her first Twitter account, to Find Me, to winning the iHeartRadio contest. Even her Hannah Montana days. (Lol). When I discovered Christina, I was immediately inspired to become more like her music wise. I started singing more. I started playing piano more. I learned a whole bucketful of new instruments because she inspired me to. And then one day, she answered a snapchat and just kind of started replying to me. We weren't at all super close, but close enough. Not only was she an inspiration, she was kind enough to be a friend. This year has been a weird year for Team Grimmie. It's been very confusing. But I couldn't be more proud of Christina than I am right now. She's come so far, even after she passed. I'm so proud of you, girl.

Love, me.

A simple white flower
Blooming on a citrus tree.
It’s opulent scent, filling my lungs
In the early dew of daybreak,
Scattering my brain, feeling the lull of
Hiraeth, a sickness for home.

In the gentle whispering wind,
The saccharine perfume whirls around
Lifting my spirit towards the Gemini moon.
It whispers “Hiraeth,”
As my lungs teem with
It’s overwhelming scent,
And my soul brims with peace,
Thinking of a long forgotten home.

I sat on the edge of the lake
on the biggest rock by the shore.
Midnight was the clock,
starry the sky,
frozen was the earth.
I looked up from below and saw Orion's Belt.
The stars on his hilt,
to the twinkling lights of his bow.
I could see them.
I could see all of them.
In that moment, I remembered something.
A poem he said he'd written
for me.
He'd called it Orion's Belt.
I remember what it was like
to be his,
but I remember so much else now.
He's a liar.
How much of what he told her
was true?
All of it?
Maybe;
none of it.

--J

I gripped my steering wheel so hard
my knuckles turned white.
I blew through the yellow traffic light
just as it turned red.
65 in a 45, speeding faster and faster
dodging the slower cars.
Everything was a blurry mix of light and dark.
That one message sent
me into a frenzied fit of anger and nothingness.
I imagined myself
crashing my car into the light post to my right.
Instead I slowed down,
and turned left into my neighborhood.
I have no one
to confide these thoughts within my mind.
He's on the phone
with her, and I don't care enough about me or anyone
to drive safely anymore.
I guess that's what I get for reckless driving.

Laying down in bed
next to him.
Bare chest pressed against
my back.
He sighs in his sleep;
A soothing sound so
sweet.
I hold onto his thumb;
so comfortable in
my hand.
He's warm.

I'm going to ******* run away tomorrow.
I'm going up north. Somewhere where only one person could find me.
And even HE proabably won't remember how to get there.
I need the ******* space.
I need to clear my head.
I need to not be surrounded by things that make me angry.
Like mariem
Or my lack of friends
Or brandon
Or the fact that my only friends never talk to me

I'm sitting underneath a bridge.
It's very old; almost 200 years old, to be exact.
And while I sit under this bridge, the Earth erupts.
It shakes violently.
I know I shouldn't be under this rickety old concrete bridge,
but I seem to find myself not wanting to move.
The water drips from the ceiling
Onto my face and neck.
I'm scared.
The world around me appears to be crumbling down,
and all I can do is sit here and watch it **** me.

How dare you make fun of my dead friend?
How dare you?
How dare you use his death as an excuse to say that you're happier than me?
How dare you?
Death isn't funny, and it's not something to use
Against someone.
How dare you?
It's not something to mess around with to gain sympathy,
Or to make yourself feel better simply because
You don't like someone.  
How. Dare. You.
The rage I'm feeling at the Universe we live in,
Is not directed at anything.
Except for the unfairness of life and how life
Takes the things we love most.
How dare you use that against me?
*H O W  D A R E  Y O U

I used to look into her eyes and see
someone beautiful and intelligent and magnificent.
I'd look at her face, smooth pale skin
and red-gold hair, and see a spark within her.
She never thought her fire would go out,
being because she was such a fiery young girl.

But then she got older.

I used to look into her eyes and see
a flicker of the flame that used to be.
I looked into her face,
fierce and hard with years of emotional abuse
and I thought to myself that the fire was still there,
though it was just a flicker.

But then, one day, it went out.

I'm staring into her eyes now,
wondering who the hell she is;
Wondering what happened to the flame of a girl.
She is unrecognizable to me.
But I think.... I think somewhere
underneath this stone cold face..
I think this stranger....

**Is me.

I fell in love and my soul grew wildflowers.
Purples, pinks, blues, and yellows;
They grew from top to toe, smelling sweetly.
The sun shown brightly from the pupils of my eyes.
The grass was green and fresh and soft.

There was no storm in sight.

Not until later when seasons changed and the wind began to grow cold.
The flowers of my soul began to wilt and harden at the hateful autumn touch.

Then the snow fell. The first snow of my only winter.

The grass had turned brown and dark intimidating clouds blocked out any light.
The beautiful flowers that once gave me life, have died in the cold storm he left.
I fell in love once and it left me with nothing but a cold, dead heart.

I went to your house today to see your mom.
It was weird.
There were photos of you everywhere;
On the walls, on the shelves, in the kitchen and bedrooms..
The only place that lacked a reminder of you was the bathrooms.
There we were,
Surrounded by your things,
All trying not to cry.
Trying to pretend that you're not actually gone.
Tia told me I could play your ukulele,
And as I held it in my hands,
I swear I could feel you there watching us.
We were surrounded by your things,
And I just hope that a piece of your soul is with your mom.
She needed you.
She loved you.
And now all she can do is be
Surrounded by your things.

I'm taking a break you guys. Writing on this page has recently become about the likes, and not the meaning behind the words. Gonna take some time to rediscover my love for literature. I love you. Thanks for being here for me.

I'm grieving a Lost friendship.
My best friend
Victoria.
Can I still call her that?
Could I have ever called her that?
Some of you might have heard me speak her name in hate,
In anger,
In pure, undying rage.
But today I speak it in love,
Because I love her;
Victoria.
I love her, but I had to let her go.
She's the only one who understood,
What I was going through.
What my family life was like, as a Big Sister,
As an unloved child.
She even understood the heartbreak I endured in 2015.
To an extent.
And this brings us to the second stage of grief:
Anger.
I am angry at her for choosing him over me.
If she were my friend, how could she be with him?
Knowing what he did to me, to JRF?
To Molly, with hair like a lion's mane?
How could she see blindly past it?
I can never get his touch out of my aching skull;
How can she love being touched by the same hand who hurt me?
Who hurt at least 3 others?
I asked my mom what she thought.
Was our friendship weird?
Awkward?
Unusual?
"Imagine if Anna got together with Travis, who I am still to this day traumatized by, 21 years later. Of course it would be awkward to be her friend.
She wasn't a true friend."
Could that be?
Could that really be the truth behind the pretty pictures?
Could she, deep down, not see me as a friend?
"It's always been about winning with her. She has Mark, who you were so in love with. She's trying to dangle that over your head. That's what she's always done!"
But that's not true.
All we had was eachother, for the longest time.
We're past all that, right?
Right??
Maybe.
.... right?
I loved her.
Victoria.
I'm angry at her.
Victoria.
I love her, and I'm angry at her.
I miss her.
Victoria....
- The Spider

Tuesday, July 16th

To my darling ex boyfriend, whom I thought was divine but instead was a divine joke:

It feels like ****** being shot through my addicted veins.
Like I'm on a high and I can't come down.
It feels like I'm flying above the clouds,
Through the stars and into extraterrestrial territory.

It's almost a sick feeling.
So good that I might just throw up from it.
I'm woozy and light headed but I can't help but smile
At the thought of your panic.

I've outed you.
Your secret is known to the public world now.
You've already lost at least one friend,
and now I wonder how you'll feel when you lose more.

You can call me petty if you want to;
cold-hearted, even.
But you should've known never sneak up on a Black Widow.
If you do,

It's clear that you'll be bitten.

-The Spider


07/16/19

A busy bee knows no sorrows.
They fly from flower to flower
collecting the pollen to spread to other foliage.
The little bees are oblivious to the
sorrows around them.
They are too busy to know.
Perhaps I should be more like them?

Could it be--
I had seen him before
Engulfed in the blazed sun?
Atop a building
In the summer air with the wind
Blowing through his auburn hair,
Oh, what a dream!
A water colored blur--
Subtle and bright but detailed
By each individual brushstroke.
Oh, what a dream!
What an enchanting light!

There is
                           A small memory I recall of
A time
                            When I was young
And
                            My dad and I went to
A place
                            Called the Hunny Tree.
                            We went there
For everything.

The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat
just like the day I first met you.
Outside, the snow falls fresh; the sunset is beautiful
just like when you first kissed me.
My heart beats fast like bird wings
just like the first time we made love.

In the forest I lay down and talk to the trees about good things
just like when I was talking to you. And not about pleasantries.
The birds outside fly away frantically
just like you when we talked about the news we were avoiding.
My heart swells in my chest
just like the child that was in my body.

Each and everything I say streams out of my mouth
like a waterfall down the cliff side.

I was the one coddling you
like a mother would coddle a child.
You were the one who was crying
like it was my fault.

The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat,
and here I sit with a bottle of scotch thinking
*have you ever wondered why minuscule memories can be so loud?