She read our words \
Couldn't hear our thoughts
How you hold me so tightly in your mind
Kissing in our dreams to songs no one else hears
Months passed freely loving the images we made up
Us far away in a castle
Keeping warm by the heat from our desires
/ She wasn't meant to know

Years pass and they all seem gone
Endless wars I never won
Therapy told me not to forget
Somehow I still lost them like a bet
Only appearing in mid wake
Sweating and I jolt and awake
It wasn't fair she could get past the bars
After the endless trauma she gave me with scars
Do other children fear their givers the same
So petrified at night they cry at the thought of their name
The alcohol that molded me into the demon that follows
Doesn't erase my past, but still makes me hollow
My mind is beyond being ****** up by me
It was already ruined by my pure reality
God, counseling, medication, drugs
Nothing is healing me as much as a hug
Simple request of a woman torn apart
Being dragged on pavement scraping my heart
Blood left showing my path
I prayed hoping to be freed of the wrath
Bad decisions/some call it luck
All is painful and seems worse than being hit by a semi truck
Theres no savior or bandaid that seals the wound
Suffering this heat with hopefully end it all soon

When I was younger I popped pills
Handed out baggies with tabs and stems
Snatched twenties by the handful
From a wallet of someone I barely knew
Yet told to call her Mother
Therapy didn’t teach me anything
But to make sure homework was turned in
They didn’t catch the bottles I hid
Under my pillow late at night beside the butcher knife
Happiness was only in the movies
And occasionally in my dreams as I drifted off seven pills deep
If I slept long enough I didn’t have to listen to the screams
No pain inflicted if I didn’t do what was demanded with the demons
Hunger didn’t exist so it was okay there was no food
As long as I was asleep
Never knowing when I would wake and no one cared to check
I slept on floors of peoples’ homes I never learned their names
Just emptied my bag and took the capsules they had
Falling asleep yet again
I was numb to the bad **** my friends were going through
One was ***** and another used as an object at thirteen
But the people didn’t seem that mean
They let me sleep another day away
No one noticed I overdosed.. not an eye fluttered when I didn’t wake up the next morning after that one bad day at school
... or through the day
... then that evening I woke up like it was nothing but a long nap
Throwing up blood, I chose to never take a pill again
Even if that meant I never got to sleep again
, though I took random pills from people when I could at school
I never lost control
I just wanted a ******* escape.
Replacing my sleep with tv shows
The lives of people I wanted to be
Escaping my reality

It's not a question anymore
Of whether or not you love me
If you'd bleed a drop from your eyes
Watching me cry a pain that's silent
When the showers water remains cold
You'd warm me with your fingertips
Enough to settle each goosebump
Pushing the fears I hold into a different palm
Cuts don't numb me as they once did
Bites distract for only a moment
Snaps of a band sting for 7 seconds exactly
Burning sips take me away
I forget reality, then its too late to return
Your love shadows and shades the scars
I almost felt healed and completed again
Then when you kiss him, stitches start to unravel
Feeling each tug of whatever is holding me together
Ripping harder by the movement
Each thigh grab, rub of the neck, hug from behind
The love you have for me is there, no question
Now it's different from what it once was
I used to see you as a God, controlling me every breath
You never asked for it, but managed it as if you did
That was before him
Before he showed you a different type of love
Where you didn't have to hide
We were almost perfect,
With a squint of both eyes and the lights turned off
Now I sit waiting for the sting,
as your Love for him poisons me

There’s a man with a smile that is infectious
His laugh makes you think what you said is actually funny
Brown eyes look not through you, but into you

Blocking out so many memories
Is the only thing that keeps me moving
It’s too hard to know what’s real
Memories seem fake or forced
But I know they were real
No one wants to think back to their past
And only feel fear and sorrow
The feeling that the lone thoughts of joy
Are fabricated
Dreams I created to make it seem better
To make it as if it wasn’t that bad
Like the pain my sister and I endured
Wasn’t all just make believe
Nightmares that curated my reality of the past
System fails as I try to catch my breath
Heat racing a beat faster each tick
Pitch black walls with curtains on top
I wish sometimes it was all a bad dream
Maybe then when I woke in a sweat
I wouldn't have to suppress the screams

Have I ever told you of the time
When my mother told me she loved me,
And I last truest believed it?
It was so long ago,
I couldn’t tell you how old I was
When I heard those words.
Over the years of therapy
The surroundings have faded just enough
That I can see my childhood home
But none of the details.
Which is probably for the better, after all.
I see her sitting up in bed,
Kind of drifting but it’s still her.
I wonder now if she was really there,
Or if something was turned off inside.
Now I’m unsure.
But there she is,
And she turns to me and says the sentence
That everyone desires to hear.
“I love you”
I don’t even recall if she said my name.
Then she smiled at me.
That’s where the memory ends,
Nothing before or after.
Just a vision I have
Through a younger me, alone,
Standing in the hallway
With her usually shut door wide open.
I wish I could say I ran to her.
I wish I could say she turned to me
With open welcoming arms.
That she hugged me and held me
For a second longer than I needed,
But just the second longer that I wanted.
I can almost smell her natural scent
Sweet but slightly musky.
It’s odd to think back to this
Knowing that many years came after,
Without a single moment of tenderness.
But I just wanted to share that with you,
So that you understand, why I say it so often.
To know why I want you
To always mean it, when it’s said.
Because I can tell the difference,
And I can’t be the only one.
Its also why I have to be
Undoubtedly sure before I say it,
To anyone.
What if one day, someone thought back
To a moment with me and questioned
If I meant what I said?  
I never would want anyone to feel that,
The emptiness that chills over your soul.
That’s why, right now,
I need you to hear these words.
I Love You
And know, I mean it.
❤️