My Anxiety is odd
It’s not like how others describe it in the books
I don’t tremble in a large group
I radiate, never hesitating to cause a laugh
I don’t stress and fidget in front of a crowd
I stand taller and have no fear of what’s to come
It’s when I’m alone, that’s when it happens
Sitting, isolated from the rest
Shopping, waiting, walking from A to B
I can’t help but shake
Overthinking every move I make
Breathing deeply and frail at the same time
A panic attack around the corner
Standing idly, awaiting the brutality
Hitting me in the gut, taking my breath
Being ruthless as it watches me fall
When I realize I’m out of control
It sneaks in, startling me and I’m unable
To shake off the lightheadedness that comes
From holding in the large tears and suffocating the sobs
As someone who doesn’t know their own volume
I silence
Happening less and less over the last few years
I’m more at ease with the self awareness
It’s just hard to comprehend
Why so many crave to be alone

I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Before
Please, let this be different

Facing a dimming light to find my way isn't the best idea
But it's all that I have at the moment.
If I face the other way I may fall out of alignment
Teetering back and forth until I slip off the edge.
Even with the vision tunneling inwards
It seems a better path to run.
For awhile I didn't think there was a difference
Between faking and facing it, neither seems right.
I have it all, the apartment, the best friend, the job
But I wake up in panic not knowing what is wrong.
Closed eyes feel the snow melt on my eyelids
Melting before it sticks to anything.
I wish I could exist as long as a snowflake does
Just long enough to show its beauty then gone.
We don't treat the loss of a flake the same we do ourselves;
Knowing that while it's gone, it'll be back.
Of course it will come with a slightly different look,
With a feeling leaving you just as chilled.
These are silly thoughts of a woman who is falling
Just hoping the land is just as soft.

My mother once told me to stop running away
For I have an act of doing so
Avoiding my problems I feel only I create
It’s impossible to know any different
As a child I never stopped, for if a moment passed, I would be ripped apart
So I run
From my past
The life I was given
And forced to live
Running from each decision I make
Stumbling but never given up
Getting to a place where I Can’t Breathe
But I continue
For the pain of facing what’s there is far greater than if I never stop running
At least I know there’s no false hope
Of being able to end
For the only ending that will give me a break
Would be the end itself

Something about pretty people puts them above the not as lucky
Something that I wish was in me when people look my way
There's definitely something that sets me apart, and
it may have to do with my looks, but not in a good way
Big gaped teeth, radiating across a large set boxed jaw
Eyebrows drawn on with a brown color to match the dyed hair
Don't get me wrong, I've gotten used to my appearance
I know my lime green eyes shine & I'm no longer scared to smile open mouthed showing my natural cartoon shaped lips
Standing tall, dancing in public, and laughing at max volume is my specialty, causing looks that share both humor and embarasment
I can't follow a single stereotype

Someone please
Tell me this
Am I the one cheating
If I gave out a kiss
I have no lover
Not a woman nor man
That holds me at night
I’m no part of any plan
Yet they come to me
Seeking relief
Of a pain I’m unable to see
But I feel their tears
As they fall on my shoulders
While I hug them tightly
I lean back to say I’m sorry
That they feel this way
Before I can release my words
Their lips touch mine softly
Time and time again
I stand in awe
Unaware of how so many
See the sign, I must have
Saying I have the healing element
To take away the sorrow
I’ve learned I simply make it worse
Turning to me for a sweet taste of joy
They imagined in the moment
That I never meant to have
So I know what they’d say
As I turn away
“She’s a cheater and a thief”
Not me, I swear, I’d never
Yet, here I stand, not knowing
Am I the cheater as well?

Here, sitting outside
The breeze makes a chill
Balancing the heated shining sun
The fountains down below this porch keep spraying high
My hair, that's short and dark now,is new to the light and wind
The strands move in a new wave
My earbuds play songs only heard in unknown movies
I don't need other eyes to be on me to feel seen
Pigeons fly around the bell tower
Sure, the bee sitting across the table from me isn't much company
But he listens to my typed words and buzzes to the beat
That's all I need
In my mind I don't desire to be rushed away
I'm fine here
Nowhere special
Gazing at he Chapel beyond the hill
Thanks be given to the flowers that make the bushes seem bigger than they are
And the third story window of the building next door that remains open though no one's home
Right where I need to be is here
Alone on an empty campus typing poems no one reads

There’s so much
I’d never change
Including the parts
That drive me insane
How you smile
Your laugh
The silly noises you make
The jokes you tell
How you give
When you cook
Your judgmental glances
The way you love men
How you'd never love me the same
But you love me none the less

There are certain things you can’t question in life
Like why you are loved
Even when you feel you don’t deserve it
Why you have a beautiful home and good job you worked hard for
Yet feel like you didn’t work hard enough
Why friends hold your hand and hug you on days you feel like you should be left behind
Why you continue to push and survive
After your mind has fought it almost every day
To end the pain that rumbles not only under your temples
But in your heart as it bleeds dry
Why you still smile, with all the torture you’ve faced
Why you continue to laugh after you’ve lost your voice to stand up for yourself
Why you are still here in spite of what you’ve attempted.
There’s a reason and millions of answers
You may never get the answers you want, but know not to question it
It’ll just take time away from you going and living the life you’ve been given
Go and live and love

I’m tired.
Not as lost as I once was
Still as confused as I’ve always been
This day last year
Celebrating the birth of someone
The person I thought to be my best friend
Yet they chose to throw me away later
Making my own decision
For once I wanted to pick me
Look what good that did
Like my every person I knew before
Trust given before it’s asked for
Just to be ripped apart
By myself
A ticking time bomb
Sociopath behind a smile and a laugh
I’ve screamed
Cried loud enough to break eardrums
The silence still was all I heard
Round two
Love of my life and and I’ll never be a wife
They won’t let me implode
Deserving to burn, roast in the suffering
I should cry again
Feeling nothing is somehow
No better
No worse
Nothing
What I feel
I need help but all I get is
Nothing
All I deserve
Is to be
Thrown
Away
Again

Next time someone says trust me
Don't believe a word they say
They're lying
They'll take what you give them
And twist it every way they can
Squeezing out all the bad
Exposing it for what you don't see
Putting it against you
Making you regret you said a thing
Don't let the tears escape you
Not while they watch
Let it all evaporate
And move on until the memory is lost
Don't be a fool
You can trust no one
Not even yourself
If you had to question their intentions
It's a secret meant for someone else

I wish I could explain to you how my heart changes
Daily\ by the minute
When I see you across the way,
my view obscured by a wall; which seems fitting
A wall seems to keep us apart [endlessly]
Your end or mine
Its easier, we agree
What is it that keeps me so far you ask?
ME
There is something surrounding my heart
Malleable and breathing
Alive and keeping me together somehow
I've let it open a few times
To let someone in, to let you in.
But every time, without fail, something changes
You got to my heart and it burned in the most beautiful light
Coming in, you made it good, and happiness was real
It was when you left that things got bad
I left myself open for too long and lost myself over time
Bits and pieces fell out slowly, scattering itself
Now my heart is incomplete, more so than usual
I'm not blaming you
I souly point the finger at myself
I shouldn't have opened up to begin with
You want me to be honest and transparent,
but since closing back up, my heart has turned dark and mucky
Unable to be seen through clearly
I try to be honest, but  the current truths get blindsided by the past lies
I don't mean to do all the damage I caused
To you or me
I wish this was a real apology, for I know it changes nothing
Me continuing to be closed off
I’m sorry.

Those three words
They feel like they solidify something
The meaning is greater than the phrase
I desire to say it
Every time we hold each others glance
When ours breaths are rhythmic
Fingertips gracefully grazing our outlines
When I breath in your smell
Making my butterflies become ravenous
In the morning when you kiss my forehead
Waking me with a smile, every time
The evenings where you guide me by pulling my hand and holding me close
Nightfall after nightfall, you laugh gently, saying I’m so pretty.
I’ve never been told I’m so pretty this many times
You alone have surpassed every other one combined
With every moment when there’s a silence, I just feel peace and safety
No wonder of how you feel, no hesitation
Not a second of second guessing
You see me and I want to tell you
I see you and I want to tell you
The three words so many say so freely
I’m not afraid of saying it
And I know I will one day soon
But something holds me back as I reflect on every past time I’ve said it
I’m not afraid you won’t say it back
But scared you will, and won’t mean it, as they did before
You’ll smile and not wait before repeating my words, but do you feel the yearning and pull to my soul
As I do to yours
Does your heart ache when I’m not near, as I dread when I’m without you
Will you say it and change your mind in a month
Can you say it and understand why I said it first
Are you waiting to say it too
Are you afraid, as I am
Or do you not feel it yet.
Do you not fear I’ll run away, the moment it falls from your voice.
Do you hold onto it because it’s not your time to release it
Do you fear I’ll say it too soon
Do you not want to say it
Would you like me not to say it
Would you tell me not to say it
If you knew I wanted to tell you right now
Holding your hand, giggling under my blankets
If I said it
Would you say it
Would you mean it
I love you

Green eyes
Speckled with lies
Trying to hide the truth
Sundresses above the knee
Trying to catch an eye
Crooked smile with gapped front teeth
Charming all who see
Dyed hair
Black underwear
That shows when the wind blows high
Freckles hidden under foundation
Lipstick that's too bright
Hightops
Unmatched socks
Old enough to be anything
Still choosing her youth
Cuts that have healed into scars
Blend into the pale
Skin that's soft to the touch
No one knows how she loves
Always gazing at men
That can never be hers
She falls for every heart
Look again and see if you see the same girl

I want to see your smile everyday
keep that upward glance to me
you want to cry
the pain is too much,
what are the options?
one or two, that'll be with you
not understanding whats happening
where do I go from here
been lost for weeks
only words of others calm my raging thoughts
days pass without feeling your warmth
craving your hands
anywhere
everywhere
lips to hold my thoughts
caught on the fact that I need your kiss
bite my bottom pink lip
sing a song of heart and fear
reality is what I need to hear
do you want a me+you
or choose to let me grow
i'm trapped by your love
take off the ring
and let me hear you sing to me
edges of your mouth turned up
shakes and a shiver runs up my spine
every time you smile.

When I first was taken away
I didn’t like to speak
I had nothing left in me to say
My biding was done
So most days from sun up to sun down
I sat at the dining room table
Surrounded by large windows
Letting in natural light eliminating the house
I sat and looked out the windows
Facing out the to the East
The large field grew tall with unkept grass
The trees barely blocking anything
Green everywhere in sight
And horses
Real horses running around in their yard
Not a mile across
Spending hours sitting, looking out
I’m not sure what for
I wasn’t searching for anything
Just glancing out with scratched glasses
Not focusing on any one thing
Mostly using the time to think
If things went any different
If what it was, wasn’t
If what would be, wouldn’t
Doing so for almost three years
But it now feels like a waste
It didn’t change a thing
Foster care is still foster care in the end
Now a part of my past
Thank God it didn’t last
And thank you to my now parents
For the adoption