I've been hiding myself for so long
I almost forgot who I was.
I've closed off my light
To please others,
But I was never happy
Being that perfect little girl

I am not.
Your terms do not define me.
Girl. Boy. Non-binary.
Who cares what I am?
I am anything.
I will not remain that
sweet
straight
pretty
perfect
naive
little Girl.


-C3nwlry

A dark room
Hiding in the corner
Barely singing a song
Whispering the words
"Happy birthday-"
Choking back tears
holding arms to chest
"-to me."
Letting out a cry
"Happy birthday-"
Thinking about people
the ones downstairs laughing.
"-to me."
Celebrating since they won't.
"Happy birthday-"
At least it'll be sung with the right name.
"-dear Cole."
Tears stream down
Quickly wipe them away
"Happy birthday-"
Jumping, hearing a door slam in the house
"-to me."
Laying down
Rocking back and forth.

I open my eyes.
My birthday again.
Is it really two years later?
Fake birthday wishes sent.
At least this year I won't be alone.

-Cnwlry

Everyone says "your family is perfect"
Everyone thinks we get along.
Everyone hears us speaking words of care
Everyone sees us hugging.
But listen to my words, look a little closer.
Behind that closed door, you'll find out.

Behind that door.
Screams and tears and fits.

Behind that door.
Bangs and yells and thumps.

Behind that door.
Sighs and yells and slams.

Behind that door.
Hums and tears slide down.

Behind my door.
Sleepless nights and blades.
Behind my door.
Cuts and tears and blood.
Behind my door.
I break and fade away.

Behind the front door.
Fights when cracks make breaks.
People fading away.
People losing faith.

Behind our doors.
Overdose on Tylenol
Overdose on tears.
Losing voices. Red eyes.

"Your family is perfect"
"You guys have it all"
"You are such a great family"

We tear at each other's throats.
We scream till our voices break.
I cry cause can't feel pain anymore.
We tell till our lungs give way.
We fight until our legs give out.

That's behind our doors.

-3nwlry

My best friend is anorexic.
So I feel it is my job,
To make sure she eats once or twice a day.
Sometimes she gets upset with me.
So I listen to her words.
"She is skinnier than me"
"I'm pretty fat"
I roll my eyes and disagree.
She tells me she is right.
But the fear I have is there.
She won't listen to my words.
Almost eighteen and ninety pounds.
I'm scared that she will die.
I wrap my fingers around her arm,
And tell her I am scared.
She says she's fine and rolls her eyes.
It's not that she doesn't care.
I know deep down she fears.
She'll die from her self torture.
But I see where she comes from.
I understand the choices.
I'm little hypocritical.
I don't eat, and force her to.
I know that she sees that.
They say nothing, I am fine.
It's not like I am her.

-3nwlry

Don't let go of me
I'm too young to feel this free.
Tie me up in memories
Shut the lock and hide the keys.
Make me close my eyes
And hear all your lies.
You don't care for my cries.
I've been straining for some time.
Close me down, pushed away
I wish I didn't wake up that day.
You don't listen to what I say.
Isn't there some way?
Break free of my cage!
I'm burning all the sage
Give me back my wage!
I'm tired of your stage.


-Cnwlry

You think I am jealous,
But it doesn't bother me.
It's just the fact.

They love Azure
More than they love me.
I'm not jealous,
Cause it doesn't bother me.

I knew them more than a whole year,
But she replaced me so easily.
I'm not jealous,
It won't bother me.

He likes me for a while,
But now he likes her.
I can't be jealous,
Even if it bothers me.

I thought we were friends.

They value Azure
More than they value me.
I'm not jealous,
Believe me, I get that.

All of them. All of them
Went to her after barely a week.
I'm not jealous,
It won't bother me.

They like Azure
More than they like me.
I might be jealous,
Because it bothers me.

-3nwlry

Sad sunflowers sigh,
As they dry their eyes.
The sun has gone away
They bow their heads
Heavy with sorrow.
They'll meet again tomorrow.
During night they rest
Taking a break from smiling.
Tomorrow kids will come
To take their seeds away.
A few of them will die
But most will be alright.
Some petals will tear and fall
But still they will be fine.
They smile at the children
Despite of the pain they feel
It's a pleasure to be noticed
Even if they 're using you.
Sunflowers sunny petals
Cover them in manes.
Sunflowers unsalted seeds
Help them stay together.
Their fields of gold cause awe
To the people which stare.
They will come back tomorrow
To look at the flowers
And their golden hues.

-3nwlry

Ocean depths
Like grass on trees
Could very well
Be the death of me.


-Cnwlry

They call me disaster,
Stupid, dumb, basic, cry baby,
Lame, ugly, impossible, failure,
Bland, plain, trash, nerd,
Crazy, ******, fake, dork,
Mistake, accident, brat, loser,
Bad, untalented, useless, forgettable,
Worthless, hopeless, shameful, tone deaf,
Cow, fat, insane, dull,
Incompetent, idiot, sick, gone,
Terrible, unbearable, diseased, tired,
Special, gross, unwanted, desperate,
Try-hard, whale, pig, liar,
Never enough, child, insecure, sad,
Scared, cutter, suicidal, friendless,
Invisible, waste, self absorbed, unloved,
Torn, replaceable, copy, runaway,
Snake, snitch, sneak, lazy,
Alone, unneeded, loud, unforgivable,
Annoying, attention seeker, weak, paranoid,
Clueless, low life, dense, dark,
Freak, mess, lost, disturbing,
Last choice, lost cause, slacker, bag lady,
Chubby, poison, horrible, sleepless,
Cockroach, gullible, sloppy, short,
Joke, cope out, foolish, selfish.

All in one name.
"Emily"

-3nwlry

I wish I was a fairytale
Of another different realm.
To leave my life I peace
Ask sadness to cease
In the never-ending portal.
Be written down immortal.

Deaf to anxious woe
And misery to tow.
'round, 'round, the praise following
The only rule: no wallowing
In the never-ending portal.

A princess to be queen
Has no reason to be mean.
Her people love and sing to her
Up until she finds her sir
In the never-ending portal.

Her children will be kind.
Her, they will mind.
She, the ruler of the kingdom
If happiness there is no sum.
In the never-ending portal.

Here, I wish twas true,
I stand in morning dew.
Picturing that far 'way land
But, in reality, I stand
With the never-ending portal of poems.

-3nwlry

I wanted to give her roses.
I wanted to call her mine.
My very sweet grandma.
My weak old grandma, mine.

She had a special garden.
We never were allowed to pick.
But then she wanted roses.
So we tried to take.

She was very willing,
She was very kind.
When she needed roses
We all went to find.

I wanted to give her roses,
But then I had to leave.
I wish I have her roses,
But they took her away from me.

All she wanted was roses,
Only a bouquet,
But we couldn't find them.
So we had to leave.

Roses. Roses.
We left to find them
Roses. Roses.
Know that I love you still.

-3nwlry

While I sit in my room,
You are down the stairs.
Father is yelling and blaming you.
You don't know how to feel.
Your voice is trembling.
I know you're about to cry.
I want to shout
And shove him away.
But it wouldn't change a thing.
After your "talk" to
You stumble up the stairs.
You'll go to bed and
Cry quite hard,
Missing your sweet mother.
I was there, open armed
To give a goodnight hug.
I whisper that I love you.
And I hear your honest reply.
I'll always love my brother.
I'll keep him within sight.

-3nwlry

I'll paint my nails
Fix up my hair
Anything you say.
Get good grades
Wear high heels
You never listen anyway.
Who cares if I am strange?

They dare to call me names.
So I'll change my clothes
Cut my hair
Just exactly as I please.

You won't hear me anyway
Who cares if I change my name?
Who cares if I dare come out?
So what? So what?

I put make up on
And starve til I'm enough
Is this truly what you want?
Is this truly what you need?

A daughter who is prefect
A daughter just to see

Who cares what I say?
Who dares challenge me?
So what if I shut my eyes?
"Fix your hair"
"Do your nails"
Anything I should do.

I will not listen anymore
To what you have to say.
Maybe I'll change everything
Even change the game.
"Wear a smile and wait a while"
I won't follow you anymore.


-Cnwlry

You can hide what you hide,
Just don't hide away your sorrows.
You can lie what you lie about,
Just don't lie about your sadness.
You can smile your fake smile.
Just don't use it to fake for me.
You can say what you want.
Just don't say that you're ok. (liar)

I don't care if you think you're fine.
I don't care if you don't want help.
I'm gonna help you anyway.
Till you hate me and beyond.

You can try but you can't get me away
You are important. So I'll keep you alive.
I'm not sure if you'll be grateful.
But I don't really care.
I will keep on loving you, till you've had enough.

Hide what you want, you still can't hide your sorrows.
Lie how you want, you still can't lie about your sadness.
Pretend what you want, you can't pretend about your feelings
You can say what you want.
I know you aren't okay.
Let me help you.

-3nwlry

Why don't you wait
Wait to watch and see.
Colors always fade
As we go away.
Just look and see
What might happen
To me.

June ninth.
I close my eyes
For the last time.
June ninth.
I make dreams
come true.
June ninth.
I become a star
Looking for you.
June tenth.
You cry for me.
June tenth.
Time seems to freeze.
June twelfth.
You forget 'bout me.
June twelfth.
Life goes on.
June ninth.
Is my last day.
June ninth.
I want it that way

-3nwlry

The line goes
"Would anyone notice if I stopped talking?"
I would think so but
Maybe no one listens anyway.
I struggle to find the words
And hand pick the chosen many,
I wrap them up with a neat little bow
But people tear them apart
like kids at Christmas,
Or dogs at a bone,
Grumpy when it isn't what they want.
I don't think anyone would care
If I just stopped talking
But my mouth always bubbles over
With words I wish to say
Like water on a stove.
I whisper at myself to "Shut Up!"
But I brush it off
Like the tears on my cheek.
Just. Listen.
There are so many things
I need to say.

-Cnwlry

The loudest moment.
The smallest whisper.
The quietest cry.
Wondering why
No one can hear
Your world crumbling around you.
As you cry out
"Somebody save me!"
But nobody came
Nobody's coming
Nobody's here.
No one can hear you cry
As everyone leaves
And says
"Good luck trying!"
But trying isn't good enough.
The more you try to save it,
It falls even more.
And you drowned in it long ago
You didn't even notice.
I did.
I know how it feels
To have everything you love
Ripped from your grip
Because you dared to say
"I love you."
I didn't notice
The flicker of the eye
As they left my sight
And poked at some one else.
I said it back
And believed you.
It made it worse
"I thought you loved me!"
But this isn't love.
It never was.
Love doesn't leave you
Alone and cold,
Crying your heart out
Pleading to die
Before it happens again..
By people are like that.
They leave because
They find something better.
I, then, give up on the human race.

-3nwlry

Tears in my eyes,
Will you please dry?
"Never cry"
Never cry

Bloodshot eyes,
Will you please close?
"Never sleep"
Never sleep

Hanging rope,
Will you take my life?
"Please die"
Please die

Holding hands,
Will you release?
"Never let go"
Never let go

Running mind,
Will you please slow?
"Never calm"
Never calm

Loud noises,
Please shut down.
"Never quiet"
Never quiet

Wiping my eyes,
Please don't look.
"Never weep"
Never weep

Asking why,
Pleading to leave.
"Never run"
Never run

Trying to sleep,
Making me cry.
"Never dream"
Never dream

Holding my breathe,
Faking a smile.
"Never speak"
Never speak

Changing my mind,
And my heart.
"Never lie"
Never lie

Crying inside,
Please don't die.
"Never mine"
Never mine

Make a sound,
Don't turn around.
"Never scream"
Never scream

Begging on knees,
Yelling at me.
"Never move"
Never move

Confused inside,
Wanting to cry.
"Never show"
Never show

Making me cry,
Hands in the air.
"Never yell"
Never yell

Lump in my throat,
Telling me "no".
"Never talk"
Never talk

Closing my eyes,
Shutting my mind.
I want to die
I want to die

Broken inside,
Wondering why,
"Never ask"
Never ask

Running time,
Never slow.
"Never rhyme"
Never rhyme

Breathing slow,
Closing my eyes.
"Time to die"
Time to die

-3nwlry

It's not my body
But I have to tend to it's care.
I don't want it
But it's not going nowhere.
Changing gender each week
wasn't my choice to pick
But I've got to deal with it.


-Cnwlry

You don't care.
About me,
About your sons,
About your wife.
You lost her.
You lost your eldest.
You lost me.
You're loosing your baby boy.
I'm more of a parent
To that ten year old than you are.
He hates you.
I hate you.
You hate us.
It's neutral.
It's normal for me.
Having a broken family.
Friends say you'll be okay.
I'm already br-ok-en.
Along with my family.
"Are you okay?"
" I'm ok. "
I put on a smile.
It doesn't reach my drowsy eyes.You go about your day
While I am in the bathroom,
Staring at the mirror
Wondering who I am.
Wondering the best way to **** oneself.
You think I'm fine.
That I'm happy.
You're wrong.
I'm br-ok-en
Not ok.
I've become the monster
Underneath my bed
And my father
Made me this way.
He made me loose my mind
And he doesn't care.

-3nwlry

In the dark, in the dark
I am dancing.
In the night, in the night
I am singing.
In the light, in the light
I am drowning.
In the day, in the day
I am dying.
Yes, at night, in the night
I am crying.
I can't sleep, I can't sleep
Cause I'm thinking.
I want to sleep forever.
At midnight, at midnight
I am cutting.
My wrists. My neck.
My ankles, they bleed.
Nobody sees. Nobody sees.

-3nwlry

I'd rather be hated than lied to
I'd rather be lonely than "Loved" by you

-3nwlry

Texas hates the trans kids
"So do I"
Says the man you claim
to be my better.

-Cnwlry

Him
Savior.
Holding me
But I soon realize
It's just in my head
He is not to be seen.
As I grow up and open my eyes
What if I was the savior I needed.
The villain just a cookie cut.
The God they speak of never came down.
I have been left here on my own.
Struggling with myself.
The eternal hell I live.
boy or girl
right or wrong.
God wasn't there.
I get older.
I realize
I'm alone again, of course.
We are one person.
Both of us.
Alone.
Me


-C3nwlry

I'm so tired when I wake up
I wrestle with the alarms.
I never really like this place
So I write it in my poems.

I understand you don't need to stay
I know you do so anyway.
Thank you for all the support.

You don't hear me, yet you listen
I know that it is hard.

I wrote a lot
Not much makes sense
Thank you for trying.

Hardly on it often
Yet I feel the love.

I keep this quite secret
My family would be mad.
I hide it away
So no one will say
I have written these.

You know my name
You guess my age
You don't know my brain.

Yet you know me better
Than anyone I know
Because you read
These words and scribbles
I have on the paper.

We don't talk but I sing
And somehow you still hear me.
Thank you.

-3nwlry

I hear my monsters.
They whisper in my ear
Pretty lies
Wish to die
"No one would care"

I hear their stories
They give me much fear.
Don't close your eyes
Do not sleep
Don't look in the mirror.

I feel your pain
It chills to the bone.
You lie
You try
When I ask "how are you?"

I wish I could do
Something to help you
I try
I'd die
To save you.

-3nwlry

Dear step sister
I don't know what I did to you.
I'm sorry either way.
I don't know why you yell at me
And say the things you say.
I'm older and much more mature.
You say your voice is sore
But you don't think to stop screaming.
You tell me to slam my door, fight you, hurt you
Do what I want.
So I mutter "oh I'll hurt someone"
And go on a cutting frenzy.
Only in my mind,
My mind's eye sees the blood.
My arm remembers the burning sting.
My hand whispers in lust.
I remember last time
Only that was not your fault.

Dear step sister,
I understand you're a teen,
But just because you have stress
Does not mean others don't.
Learn empathy, be kind
I don't know what else to offer.
Yes, I'd make the Mac'n'cheese
If we had the boxes
Either way, we won't go hungry.
Trust me, you all eat enough.

Dear step sister,
I'm sorry for what I've done
If I did anything at all.

-3nwlry

I'm angry at them,
but I can't shout.
My face is hot
and I feel burned out.
Try to calm down.
It's just in passing
but this thing in my chest
It's still lasting.

-Cnwlry

Imaginary things are great
Fake things are not real
Life has many flaws.
The world is not yet gone.
Comfort is imaginary.
Hope is fake.
Love is our flaw
We are not yet gone.
"Close your eyes
Picture a smile.
Pretend to be excited
About a new family."
Happiness is opinionated
friendship does not last.
Family is broken.
Help does not belong.
"Be a better daughter"
"Be a nicer friend"
"Be a kinder sister"
"Just don't be you"
No one is themselves
They hide behind a mask.
Deep down we all know.
We are just our parents
In another life.
They just copied and pasted.

-3nwlry

Best friends stick together.
Best friends know what's what.
They know everything
About the other's heart.
But sometimes disagreements
Make them fall apart.
They still remember everything.
They always keep it there,
In their heart they hide it,
They still deeply care.
Best friends aren't forever.
Best friends aren't for keeps.
Best friends aren't eternal.
But best friends are a dream.
Best friends can be selfish.
I'm sure that we all fear,
Losing our very own.
Even if we do, it's not the end of us.
We will always find the ones we truly care.

-3nwlry

He protects me in the dark
He shows up in my dreams
as My lover and my friend
And so much more.

And She shows up when I'm scared
and whispers of what I'm unaware
That They don't love me back
that I'm alone.

He holds me tight he tells me that
She lies to me every night
But for some reason I close my eyes
And I whisper that she's right.

She smiles with that evil grin
She knows that she's won again.
And his eyes are wide, and his light dims.

They aren't the same no they aren't.
I feel them, No matter where I go
They follow me home

I wish I could see him, in my wake
His eyes are so blue.

She shows up no matter what,
that persistent, young woman
She seems so beautiful, but then she screams.

He holds me tight, to not let go.
she grabs my arms.
She told me so,
She'd haunt me forever, bring me low.

He turns his back, to protect me,
I hug him tight, in my dreams.

I wish that he was alive.
So we don't have to say goodbye.
And I don't even know their names.

-3nwlry

Land and sea
They lovers be.
The waves rush up
To meet the shore
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be
The land jumps up.
And then under
Kisses by the sea.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
Once upon a
Not so long ago,
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
When man was scared
And feared the ocean,
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
Man could not swim,
Or control
The wild, wild sea.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
The land was burdened
By the man,
Who ruined sea.

Land and sea
They were lovers be.
When man left lone,
They were pure.
They lovers once.

-3nwlry

Writing feels impossible.
It's not that I don't want to
Or that I don't have motivation for it.
The words are still inside,
Waiting to escape.

Maybe I got used to silence.
Finally. Right?
But I still have too much to say
And no one to hear it.

I try to say what I think
But no one gets it.
They say trauma is trauma
And if it affects me then it is.

But while I stare at the screen
Feeling hollow
I know that others feel the same.
So I will write.

I will write even though it hurts me.
I will write to you though I don't know you.
I will write till my fingers bleed.
I will write so we are not alone.

I'm here.

-Cnwlry

All different colors.
All different kinds.
They invite you in
To see what they hide.
Temperamental flowers,
Blossoming in spring.
Blues and pinks.
Purples and whites.
Tiny and large.
Dim and bright.
All different sorts.
All different types.
Unique like people.
Special as could be.
Stubborn little flowers
Could die any moment.
Beauty of all kinds.
Compare them to people
There you'll find a match.
All different colors.
All different kinds.
Temperamental humans,
Wearing blossoms in spring.
All different sorts.
All different types.
Unique like orchids.
Special as can be.
Stubborn little people
Could die in a moment.
Beauty of all kinds.

-3nwlry

Cold feet at the last moment.
Changing my mind again.
Eraser shavings on the bed.
Pencil growing dull.
Eraser growing small.
More mistakes yet again.
I'm figuring out how this works.

Slight cough for months
Chewing my tongue for hours.
Broken graphite on the pillow.
Pencil losing length.
Eraser growing rough.
More and more mistakes.
I don't really understand.
I wish I was like them
Always fitting in.

Turning away before I crash.
Holding back from break downs.
Eraser shavings on the bed
Voice breaking, tears sliding.
Understanding finally hit me.
It's not about the rhyming.
It's about the words.

-3nwlry

There is something about a blank paper
That makes you slightly sad.
The exciting thought of potential.
The beauty it never had
The thoughts that race through your mind
That you wish to write.
But if you don't have a pencil
Dreams can never light
Then that paper will only ever be blank.
The cold lonely sheet of paper,
Which no pencil has kissed.
No hand has traced.
No pen has met,
Will never be what it should.
A story. A song. A picture there.
A Poem. A riddle. A letter of care.
Not a word, or letter there will be
Upon that piece of paper.
The empty tale upon this land
That is whispered to and from
That is you cannot read
You also cannot write.
If you cannot write
Then you won't give that paper
The opportunity
To live.

-3nwlry

So I've been replaced.
It's just a fact, can't be erased.
Maybe if I close my eyes.
They could all go away.
She is pretty. She is nice.
She looks lovely. She is kind.
Now he likes her, when he used to like me.
It is over before it could begin.
I lost my friends. I've been replaced.
That's fine. I didn't need them anyway.
I can't get new ones.
The school year has been established already.
I have no where to sit cause she took my seat.
I've been replaced yet again.
She is a willing adversary
But I don't think I will fight her.
I said I wanted to be alone.
Now they left me. Now they're gone.
Cause they like Azure better.
He wants Azure. He used to want me.
They like Azure. They used to like me.
She took my place. I've been replaced.
It shouldn't bother me.
They were my friends, and now their hers.
I was his crush and he was mine.
Now he likes her. I still like him.
I've been replaced.

-3nwlry

A peace sign
Turns into a gun
That shoots me.

Nothing is peaceful
If you don't want it to be.

-3nwlry

The mirror lied.
So
I fogged the glass
and drew my story

-Cnwlry

"If all of us met in real life,
and some one was being picked on or hurt,
We would come at the enemy
with the fury of countless words
and millions of suppressed feelings."
Right after I said this, Right after I smiled
(For the first time in a while)
Right after I let go of the hurt I felt.
My father yelled
And blamed me for what I didn't do.
Now I feel them all again
The hurt, mistrust and panic.
My hands are shaky, palms are sweaty
I feel like puking, or possibly crying,
My heart is racing, blood is running
Head is spinning
Feet feel like darting far away from him.
My mind can't help wondering
If what I said was true.

-3nwlry

You are sad. So am I
When you are happy, as am I
You like me?
I guess I like you..
You stopped liking me.
Great! I didn't like you.
Somebody's lonely. Cause I feel it too.
Someone is scared, I am too.
They are shy, as am I
I feel their pain.
That boy is frustrated, I am too.
I see the way she looks at you.
I feel her love in my heart.
I don't want to. I just do.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I want my own emotions.
It's never normal,I feel what they do.
Being empathic *****.
I don't wanna be anymore.
I wish I had my own emotions.
But I never have
Now I think and realize
It doesn't matter.
I can have both.
Mine and theirs.
Theirs and mine.
I can feel like me.
I can feel like them.
I am who I am.
It's kinda like a superpower.

-3nwlry

My roots have rotted.
The soil is dry.
My leaves have crumbled
My petals, fallen.
I am no longer a plant.
I am forgotten.

-3nwlry

Every word in the world
Has been said before
No one can be original.
Try to surprise me,
I've heard it all before.
Everyone has, it's no secret.
I wonder if I could say something
That would make them listen to me.
The storm in this house
never shows it's rainbow.
The thunder is impossible to hide from.
I try and stay in my room
to escape the lightning.
But eventually it finds me anyway.
The stories that hide under covers
Folded into minds of those who toss and turn.
haven't truly been caught
they slip and slide when you try to write them down.
If only there was something
to help me put into words
but the words have all been used.
The sentences I speak are borrowed.
These thoughts I have are worn.
There is nothing in the world,
to describe this thought I hold.
We say it is impossible
to understand somebody's mind.
But we say we get it.
We don't want to hear the other.
Because we've heard it all before.

-3nwlry

Death isn't sad, not scary.
God blessed people who die.
Earth is cruel and getting worse.
Dying isn't bad, not terrible.
If life is beautiful, why not death?
Giving life also gives death. So why is it so bad?
Being dead is peaceful from what I've heard.
But it's also lonely.
Death is beautiful, happy,
A time for celebration.
yes, they may be gone, but celebrate their life.
Don't mourn their death.
When I die, I wonder,
What will be the cause?
Disease, age, suicide?
I am not worried when I pass,
I don't fear the end.
The unknown will be discovered.
When I die, no one should mourn.
Have a party, not a funeral.
Have a celebration.
Wear white, and colors, not black.
I want my death to be beautiful.
When I say farewell,
I want to be remembered
With smiled on their faces
Not tears.

-3nwlry

Past birthdays
Wishing to make it to the next.
Well here I am
Mourning the girl who isn't.

-Cnwlry

I thought I was special
I thought I was good
But this disappointment is expected.
Just not in this amount.
I knew I wasn't good enough.
I knew I wouldn't make it in.
I now know it's pointless.
Yes, I like to sing,
But I'm not good enough for them,
The judges didn't choose me.
They chose my friends
Yes, they're very good,
But I thought I was too.
My mother lied to me.
My "parents" will laugh.
So I didn't make the cut.
So what? It doesn't matter!
It's not like I thought I would.
I'm not actually that good.
It's pointless to try out now.
I know now I am no good.
Pointless to go for my dreams.
I've never been accepted.
None of the competition choirs choose me.
None of them care
It's pointless for me to cry
No need to be sad.
I knew I wasn't good enough.
They just proves me right.
But, oh, I so wanted to be enough.

-3nwlry

I need somebody to see,
Somebody to hear,
Somebody to love.

I want somebody to hate me.
To hurt me.
To **** me.

I know somebody sees,
Somebody hears,
Nobody cares.

I wish somebody would care,
Somebody could heal,
Somebody would love.

I know nobody loves,
Nobody cares,
Nobody knows.

I need somebody to understand,
Somebody to losten,
Somebody to care.

-3nwlry

I am quite crazy,
I know what you think of me
There is not much left.

-3nwlry

Every night I close my eyes
And always wonder why.
Why do you always make me smile
Even when I'm tired?
I walk down the hall with my friends
And realize they don't care.
So you know who I really am?
Honestly, probably not.

It's impossible to get you out of my head.
It's impossible to finally get to bed
I understand that no one really cares.
That's alright. I'm just losing my mind.
Stop that! You are messing with my head!
Stop that! I wouldn't be understood.
Stop that! I told you I am fine.
Please stop. You'll find out I'm breaking inside.

I sit with you, as you sketch.
I try to figure out
This dilemma which I have.
I'm impressed that you have never noticed.
I can't let myself like you that way.
I can't risk out friendship now.

It's impossible to get you out of my head.
It's impossible to finally get to bed.
I understand that no one really cares.
That's alright. I'm just losing my mind.
Stop that! You are messing with my head!
Stop that! I cannot let you see.
Stop that! I told you I am fine.
Please stop. I don't want you to know that I'm breaking inside.

Stop that! You are making me confused.
Stop that! I kinda really like you.

-3nwlry

Do you ever close your eyes and listen?
The yelling,
The stomping,
The crying,
The thudding,
The banging,
The screaming.
The thorn in your side,
Making you wonder why
You try to try.
Never enough.
Do you ever compare pain to a rose?
Pain is in a neat little present.
The thorns are in
The pretty little bush.
At first it's lovely.
Then a thorn hits you.
You jump back,
But the more you struggle,
The more you hurt.
Like quicksand.
******* you in
As if you don't have to deal
With everything else.
Do you ever want to hurt?
To feel how others do?
To take a knife
And ram it into your throat?
To take a rope
To put it a round your neck and hang?
To take a gun,
Put it to your head
And make the last shot?
I do.
Ever since eleven.
Ever since my life crumbled into ash
And into the void of sorrow.
Do you ever dream
Of living and dying?
I do.

-3nwlry