Lost in Paris,
But stuck here at home.
Envisioning the cobblestone streets,
Stopping at cafes to escape the heat.
Laughing and smiling in Paris.
The mental trip is a need,
Wanting to be
Lost in Paris.
But stuck here instead,
In Cali.

I have
No Right
To apologize
But even so
I’m sorry.

I stare out the window of my usual spot
Sitting here at jack, thinking for naught
In about two years i will have graduated.
Excluded from this world with which i have Become infatuated.

It’ll all be over.
And these are the best years of your life
What will i say i did, or learned?
How many important things will come to mind?

I sit Here alone now.
Suddenly feeling so alone
Both at school and home.
What happened to the dramatic final bow?

Will i feel This alone the rest of my life?
Will it ever change
Or will it always stay the same.
I feel Like I’ve been stabbed with a knife.

My future that I’ve looked forward to for so long
Only a trace, a taste, the rest is gone.
Time seems to move too fast.
Or maybe I’m just stuck in a trance.

16 years come and gone.
To do it all over again, my soul yearns and longs.
But i can Only admit I’ve done this to myself
My hiding away on the high up shelf.

I left When i got Attached,
Being able to stay is something I lack.
So yes i am Alone,
Both at school and at home.

But I’ve brought this upon myself
So I’ll deal with this hell in and of itself.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I tumbled down
Onto the ground.

“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
So the knife tumbled down.
“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I threw myself down on the ground.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
I fell down to the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
As i bled out on the ground
Staring at my phone not moving around.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
My phone was far away.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I forgot to lock the door
“You forgot to lock the door?”
I forgot to lock the door.
But i also forgot to push you away more.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My slinger flipped
....
It was an accident
My flipped slinger
.....
It wasn’t an accident
“I know.”
I’m sorry it wasn’t an accident.
“I knew your finger didn’t slip.”
I’m sorry i lied about it being an accident
“It’s okay
You just didn’t know what to say.”

My finger slipped
But it wasn’t an accident.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I was going to
But I got stressed
And i got depressed
And i forgot.
I’m so sorry
Sorry won’t fix it i know.
I found things to love about you
I swear I did.
I thought you had left me though
I thought it was finished.
I dont deserve your time or another chance.
But
If i text you will you answer?

Casually not okay
I mean granted you’re allowed to say anything you say.
Yeah i know I’m not perfect I’m not preferred
And I’ll be honest it’s expected so it’s not like it actually hurts.
I’m not tall enough, I’m not strong enough.
Which makes dating pretty tough and rough.
Short guys get the short end of the stick
Fitting isn’t it?
I should work out more i should eat better.
Would that mean i could go get her?
She’s out of my league to begin with
And me, stealing her heart? That’s a myth.
I’m the one she’s interested in,
But I’m not the one she really likes.

I wanted it to work just as much as you
And i thought maybe you just didn’t want it to.
I know that it hurts
And we could’ve made it work.
I get that yeah it’s kind of over,
But i also had fun while it lasted.
At least i found some new music to blast and
I want to thank you for talking to me,
And showing me some things that I didn’t see.
I still think you’re cute and a wonderful person.
You are hilarious and lots of fun.
So thank you, for being around
Even though we don’t even live in the same town.
If this is goodbye, then i bow and wish you farewell
And good luck in your journeys through life, however many times it may seem like hell.

We have a toxic relationship
And i wish saying it would change it,
But it won’t.
And i need to give up hope.
Because i cant Breathe anymore,
Choking on the smoke.
And i get it, you’re either too grumpy or not bored,
So you don’t want to deal with me.
But getting it doesn’t always change what i see.
You can’t say I’m not one thing,
Just to turn around and use similar terms.
That’s not what i deserve.

It’s time for me to disappear
I’ve overstayed my place i fear.
It’s time to once again recluse
Rather than tying a noose.
It was lovely while it lasted
But the pain is started to imbed
So I’ll leave instead.
Hide within myself again
The way that it’s always been.
I’ll put on a fake little smile
No one will catch on, at least for awhile.

Sometimes i know that in my poetry
I cant copy the lyrics i see
That as the sweet melodies wisp around my ear
I can never recreate the notes i hear.

As a poet i feel inferior
And it shakes me to my very core
But as a listener i feel superior
Because the themes are unlike any I’ve heard before

And i wish I could play more instruments
Because mine don’t always cut it
Sometimes i cant peel back that layer of reality
To see who I’m supposed to be.

I am Not your ******* puppy
I am Not “whipped” or “trained”

Some friends save your life while ending it
The pain without them would be unbearable.
But they are the cigarette you can’t help but hit.
With them, the pain is still terrible.
And it’d be easier to let it go
But a life without addiction is a life you’d rather not know.
And while they slowly **** you inside
You still find ways to defend them, even with flat out lies.
Wanting to leave them behind
But a better life is too difficult to find.
So you stay with this pain
Though you have nothing to gain.
Unable to recite your pain to the inflictors
For fear of them locking you behind door.
A repressed memory
Is all you feel you’ll ever be.

There once was a boy
Who thought he was in love.
Though she treated him like a toy
He thought her an angel sent from above.

He called her his very very first love,
Though he was still young.
He didn’t care she was abusive
She didn’t care she made him choose and,
He didn’t care she cheated
....
But he did care when she wanted to leave him.

There once was a boy
Who finally got over a girl
She’d been very coy,
But she was no longer his world.
Until she came back suddenly.
....
He didn’t know how to feel or who to be.

There once was a boy
Who fell for a new girl
She filled him with joy
And he loved watching her spin and twirl.
Albeit uncomfortable at times
She was still always on his mind.
Until she started to disappear
She was here then there
....
And then no where.

There once was a boy
Who fell, once again,
For the girl who could disappear.
Only this time he held up a mirror.
So he could be there for himself,
When she left like everyone else.
But as he grew on himself,
He started thinking of her like everyone else.
And he knew he had to end what they had.
Because a relationship like that would just be bad
When she knew she began to cry,
....
But all he could say was goodbye.

There once was a boy
Who tried to avoid
Any more notions of love
Until he was sure that was what he would want.
So he stayed far away,
From the girls who’d say “hey”.
And he stayed far away,
From the girls who wanted to stay.
He just wrote what he wrote
Meaning every word, every note.
Until one day he read a confession
....
What now? Well that’s a pretty good question.

You make me wanna come home
After a long day, when my soul wants to roam.

You remind of lazy summer mornings
Curled up on the couch watching tv and adoring.
The way the yellow light seems to curl and seep through the blinds
While sweet fantasies entrance my mind.

Sprawled out
With no worries, no doubts.

Staring into the void,
Am i speaking, or is that some other noise?
What is this incessant humming?!
Trying to walk away, yet somehow stumbling and fumbling.

Its reaching out, pulling me in
The light begins to slowly dim...
Maybe i should give up
Embrace the void, try my luck.

I wonder if anyone would want me to stay
I wonder if i would even listen to what they say.
Could they tug me back?
Could they be the momentary sanity i lack?

Meds V.S. The Void round 653997428834,
How much longer will i have to be here for?
WHY CANT I JUST WALK AWAY?!
WHY WONT IT JUST LET ME ESCAPE?!

ONE MEASLY PILL AGAINST THIS REPULSIVE CREATURE
i cant tell, does it have any human features?
When we first met each other
They were sappy and sweet,
Now the frost rolls off of them, forcing me to shiver.
I feel like i'm playing a video game on a level i just can't quite beat...

Because i'm level one and its level 500
And its not even hungry, its just hunting
And i can't run fast enough to get away
It's blocked off all exits and i'm forced to stay
This inescapable hell
Is there any way for me to call for help?!

My blood is pumping
As i just keep on running.
I'm not thinking anymore, i just can't
Its a fight or flight stance.
If i fight i die, if i run i die,
No matter what i do this...thing...is still going to be in my mind.

I cant seem to get away
It just wants me to stay
So i can feed off of my terror
And whisper that no one really cares

It knows i'm weak
And i think about the things it says before i sleep
And i'm so close to breaking
Trying not to let them know i'm faking.
So here i am, a plastered on smile, had to carve it in
Because it kept cracking again and again.

Why is it, that i feel so alone
In this place i used to call my home.
With these people i used to call my friends,
Why did it all have to end?
Was i pulling away?
Or did i run out of interesting things to say?

Why did they feel the sudden urge, or need,
To lock the door on me?
Knowing full well the locks on the other side, and i dont have the key.
Why did they have to leave?
What is it that i couldnt give?
How much of it was a fib...

And it hurts to be left alone
In this dusty old home.
Void of any other life
The pain cuts like a dull knife.

I want to reach out
But my insides twist with doubt.
So i sit on a lonesome chair,
And into the oblivion I stare.
My mind is buzzing
And this empty abode begins humming

Are you talking about me?
Do you want me to leave?


...
I , umm,
I wanted to stay.
And i dont know why i didnt say,
The things i meant to.

Online relationships are hard, i know.
So it’s okay to leave before the show.
I thought I could see you
And i thought you could see me too.

I’m sorry i didnt mean to hurt you.
I didnt want to.
I know saying sorry won’t fix it
But I’d rather do that than just sit.

I never meant to make it seem like i expected a smile.
I didn’t mean for you to have to fake happiness
I wanted to be the place where you could talk, confess.

I wanted to know who you are truly
Not who everyone believes you to be.
But if you want me to go,
Then I’ll respect it, i suppose.
It’s not what i want
But I don’t want to be one more place where you put up a front.

DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT
I KNOW THAT IT HURTS
AND YOURE UNDER ATTACK
I KNOW THAT YOUR MIND
WILL FILL YOU WITH LIES

I KNOW THAT PAIN
I TOO HAVE DRAGONS IVE SLAIN
WE TALK ALL THE TIME
YOU DONT NEED TO PRETEND THAT YOURE FINE

please
tell me about your demons
so i can understand them and help you beat them.
you don’t have to be alright
not in the day or the night.
you don’t have to put up this wall
every time that we call.

And you say
That I’m going to leave one day.
Or that there’s no way i can fall,
But I’m already enthralled.
I’d say “help I’ve fallen and i cant get up”
But that would imply i want to move
When really, I’m happy that I’ve fallen for you.

When it’s midnight over there,
It’s nine here, it’s unfair.
And i wish I was there with you
To make you smile, and laugh too.

It’s frustrating indeed,
That you’re so **** far away from me.
You say you’d try to hold my hand,
While we listen to your (and now some of my) favorite bands.

By the time that you tried,
Our fingers would already be intertwined.
I know right now it’s just fantasy.
But i can talk to you so naturally.

And yeah it’ll be difficult,
And sometimes you might just want to bolt.
But if we really want this
Nothing can stop us, not even this distance.

I know how it feels
To look in the mirror and get chills,
Not the good kind
The ones that consume your mind.

I know what it’s like to look at scars.
My heart and my arms are marred.
And the mirror
Brings about tears.

And it hurts
When the pain sticks to you like damp dirt.
And you can’t love the things you used to
Because this feeling is taking over you.

But that’s why it’s important not to fake a smile.
And why you need to be honest once in awhile.
I get it, when the hurt gets too much.
I escape, try to find me in a crowd and I’ll duck.

I avoid.
And it’s an active choice.
But I’ve learned it doesn’t change anything.
And I’d rather know and see someone’s demons
Than see a fake smile, even if it’s bright as the sun.

I assure you
I am not the type of guy to cheat or lie.
If you’re talking about Snapchat,
She’s not into guys, that’s a fact.

I’ve caught feelings too.
And i still want to take this semi-slowly.
But at the same time i want to rush ahead.
I want to stay up late talking with you before bed.

I have nothing to hide from you,
Ask anything your heart desires you to.
You say you want to be the one to do these things
To tug on my heart strings.

Well you are.
Ever since that poem, you’ve been on my mind and heart.

You have no clue
How upset i was when i couldn’t see you.
“Poor connection” was what it said,
An “utterly unfair annoyance” is what i read.

Your music tastes are amazing
And if I’m being honest, i love hearing you sing.
That sounded a little weird, i wont deny.
But it’s true, so there’s no need to lie.

I’d love to listen to music with you
Or we could just lose ourselves in conversation too.

I know I live across the states,
But I hope to see you someday.

It hasn’t been very long that’s true,
But i feel just as safe as you.
I want to know it all
And I’d love to FaceTime call.
I want to be there for you
Whenever you’re feeling blue.
I want this too
So of course it’s okay
Whenever you feel bad and want to talk, you just need to say.
Okay?

I’m gonna have to be careful with you
Because you live so far, you make me wanna be there too.
And every poem or message i read
Just makes me more intrigued.
And though a relationship would be hard
And we both have scars.
I’m all too willing to try,
All too willing to fight.
I’m sorry it took me forever to read your poem
It didn’t show up on my home and
I know that fear
It’s scary that I’m putting myself semi-out there.
And you’re not just another person to talk to,
I have a fastly growing interest in you.
And not just an interest, but feelings too.

I have an addiction
Oh how i wish it was a work of fiction
I cannot wait to feel my blade
Every time it touches my skin i feel saved.
Sweet bliss, until i am entranced
Twisting, turning, and weaving. Our dance.
We speak only to each other.
Not caring for any other.
Alone, but not alone, with our toxic love.

It makes me feel whole
When i am alone
And i have no home
And live in isolation
It is but a small trade, take and give some.

What is blood and pain,
When you want to be saved?
What sacrifice is too much
When all you want is to be loved.
Toxicity doesn’t matter
When you just want to stop getting sadder.

I CANT
I CANT STOP
THE BLADE
ITS TOO MUCH
THE BLOOD IS ALL AROUND ME
FALLING FALLING
DRENCHING THE GROUND
I NEED HELP
The liquid, it makes a repulsive sound.

AHHHHHHHHHH

ring around the rosie
pocket full of posey
raining raining
we all come back another day

Help meeeee
The insanity is CONTROLLING my brain!
I’m not sure if i already said this
But I’m going IIIINSAAAANEEEE
HA HA HA
I’m gone . . .
But not for long!!!

How can i truly be gone
When this pain just keeps c-c-c-cutting
me . . . off
HA the sky is full
But love is bull
And affection is null
While my mind i duel.

Obsession, Depression
Are wondrous traits.
One will bleed love
The other, hate

There i am, in the hellish hearts
Tortured in agony, becoming art.
Please just
. . .
Just leave me alone
. . .
Alone in the dark

Alone with my heart.

How shattered,
With blood splattered
Crimson on my skin, I’ve been slathered
Trying to put back the pieces that have been scattered.

Am i sane?
Am i still in control of my brain?

Sometimes i feel on charge, the leader.
Other times i feel weak
Looking through my eyes like windows, watching meekly.

Is music an escape?
From my pain?
Is it too late?
Have i lost my brain?

I just want to see the stars.

Stupidity.
What does it mean?
Is it when you lose your glasses and stumble around since you can't see?
Is it when you save all your homework for the Last Possible Second
Because work is a force you're not willing to reckon?
Is it when you try to ignore the feelings inside
Because confronting them is harder than making up a lie?
In that case, I must be a stupid boy.

You have tears? Well I have tissues
You want to talk? I understand, I also have some issues.
Bad times can always do a 180 flip
As long as you're willing to let your feelings slip.

Pain,
It's something I know that I face everyday
It's made me think that I'm insane.
It's made me force myself to have nothing to say.

Granted I've never seen you face-to-face
But from writing and chatting I'd like to think I have a pretty good base.
Maybe a little shaky because we only recently met
Getting to know someone's soul can take awhile,
But it's worth it, to see them smile.

Crying.
If I said I didn't do it, I'd be outright lying.
Sometimes emotions are overwhelming
And towards myself I end up yelling.
And I wonder what leads me to think this way,
How do I stop it? What do I do or say?

Invisible?
I often wonder if I'm fictional.
If my problems really exist
Or if I'm a quick doodle by some artist.

Sometimes trying
Starts with crying.
Would you write with a mechanical pencil
If it was all backed up?
And sometimes we need to be existential.
How else would we grow?
And learn the things we need to know?

Love may feel unobtainable
And you may feel barely durable.
But if you're going to whisper,
Then I'm going to shout.

I KNOW THAT IT'S EASIER TO DOUBT
AND TO BLUR IT ALL OUT
BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO
IN AN ATTEMPT TO SHOW
THAT I DO CARE
AND I'M WILLING TO LISTEN,
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SHARE.

Demons will push
And Demons will play
But don’t let them scare
The ones you love away.

Thoughts may consume
Common sense trapped in a tomb
Demons can stay
Or demons can go,
Sometimes it’s better to let someone know.
I know that it’s easier to smile
But try to rely on others every once in awhile.

The Savior

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her birthing day
Her heart had almost stopped
Her lungs breathed almost not
And Death carried her throughout the hospital that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fifth birthday
Pig tails up
She’d gotten stuck
In the branches of their tree,
Hanging with the leaves
She would choke before she would land
And Death had cradled her within his hands.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fourth grade field trip
They’d hiked up a mountain
Some kids pushed her down and
Tumbling she hit her head and broke bones.
Death had pulled her close and whispered she needed to go home.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
The summer after freshman year
She’d gone swimming down by the pier
When she’d cramped underwater
And her lungs were unsure
Death had hoisted her ashore.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
A fortnight before her 21st birthday
She’d gone to a party, people were all getting laid.
He’d given her a drink
Soon after she’d thrown up in the sink.
He seemed awful sweet
Pulling her into the room to lie down.
Until he started pulling her pants down
She wanted to scream but he covered her mouth
Instead of screams she squeaked like a mouse.
He pulled out a knife
Threatened her life
And had his way with her.
Pressing the knife against her throat
She soon began to gasp and choke.
Death comforted her until it was all over.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On Christmas Eve
Just turned 25
She was dead inside.
That boy from before
Who called her a *****
Had been calling her his
She’d cried every night begging for future bliss.
That night he’d burst in
Drunk and full of sin
Throwing her down to the floor
She begged for no more
And he called her a *****
Before throwing her out into the snow
Death pulled her out from sinking below.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
While working inside
Someone drove by
Everyone was tongue tied
As they shot right through the glass
Bullets flying past.
She felt it before she saw it
She knew she’d been hit
Ironically by a .30
She begged to live she still had things to do and say
Death had blocked the bullet that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
6 months after 35
Working up until midnight
Furiously typing away
Someone snuck around wanting to play
Just escaped prison
Wanting some fun
Knock out then knock up
But she had her luck
And attacked till he couldn’t move
She’d started to push and shove
But he took the gun
And shot her in the stomach
Hoping she’d bleed out
She ran till she collapsed to the ground
Death stayed until she was found

The Spectator

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Watched him close that kittens eyes
As it let out its final mew and he let out a sigh.
Cradling it’s soul in the palm of his hand
He sent it on it’s way, to it’s promised land.
She worried about her life
In her 40th year and her 40th night
Was she going to die?
A far fetched idea
But then how could she see Death within the crowd of people?
She turned back again
But Death had disappeared to the oblivion.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Hold her sisters hand.
So in her final moments she wouldn’t be sad.
She felt sorrow in his eyes
As he glanced away to the side.
She watched as he drained her life
And sent her to her afterlife.
Her sister was 10 years older
And at 55 her sisters life was over.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
On her 50th birthday
She wasn’t sure if she should be happy or scared
But at least someone remembered, someone cared
She stood there gazing at the gift
50 dried up roses laying in the mist.
She gathered them together
And put them in a vase on her dresser.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Walking around a graveyard
As though he was a guard.
Protecting each of those who had passed
Appalled at what he had amassed.
At 55
She realized death wasn’t stealing lives.

The Speaker

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
5 years after she’d forgiven him
The sun had begun to descend and dim
She posed a question
“Do you come here often?”
He replied “Only with the one i love.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
Being 65 was hard
She was scarred and marred and starred
“Does everyone look like this at my age?”
“Only the ones who love instead of hate.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
“Do you know when I’m going to die?”
“You mean when you’ll say goodbye?
70 is just an illusion in your mind.
But yes, would you like to know?”
“No I’d rather leave it alone.
I’ll just live to the fullest each day.”
“I figured that’s what you were going to say.”

There was once a girl
Who spoke to Death
“I turned 75 today.”
“I know, you complained it was too bright so i made the Sun go away.”
“How long do i have left?”
His response was swift and deft
“That depends on if you live it to the fullest.”

The Survivor

There once was a girl
Who fell in love with Death
He had helped her
Whenever she began to hurt.
He brought her gifts
When her heart was amiss.
At 80 she realized
That for decades she had agonized.
When her love was right there
Brushing her hair.
She reached up and grabbed his bony fingers
She spoke softly but the words still lingered.

The Stagnant

There once was a girl
Who Death was in love with
He’d been there for her whole life
Harming any who gave her strife.
She was what he looked forward to
When he was feeling hated for what he had to do.
So when she turned 85
He had no reason to lie.
He told her calmly and clearly
That he held her very dearly.
And that today was the day she’d pass
But he would wait, so the day would last
But when time came, he held her tight
Knowing she wouldn’t put up a fight.
In her last fleeting moments he told her a secret
Because he knew he no longer had to keep it.
And so, softly he whispered in her ear
The very same words she’d meant for him to hear.

......
It starts young
When they’re supposed to be having fun
But instead they cry
Not understanding why everyone lies
Or why everything hurts all the time
......

When he had rushed home from school
Walking through the house all alone
To feed his fish from the fair
Only to find it floating upside down,
Death was there.

When she had stared out her window
Glued to her binoculars for a good half hour
Just watching the animals outside the cabin
Only to see a bird ****** up and gobble on a hare,
Death was there

......
Surrounded by cruelty
Wondering who they’re supposed to be.
Growing up in a world
Where pain is constantly unfurled
Where nothing saves the doves
And everyone feels unloved
You live long enough one way
And soon there’s nothing else you can see or say.
......

When he had smiled softly
Knowing soon his heart would fill with glee.
For now bones creak and ache
All this life does is take
Watching the world around him
Knowing he’ll never be like them.
Aiming for the bottom of the building
Jumping down hoping
Knowing nothing is fair
And Death is there.

When she had been sobbing
So hard she ended up coughing
Staring at the bottle
Knowing she wouldn’t make it to the hospital
She swallowed a handful of pills
Before death she’d get her thrills.
In her final moments
Trudging through the thoughts and slowness
Knowing this world is full of despair
And Death is there.

I’ll accept you
If you accept me
If you can endure my stories and scars
And reach through the bars.

You are not alone
In loving with your whole.

Scars in my opinion are beautiful
Not something to be hidden, but something to behold.
Scars have turned a person into who they are today
And without them a person would never be the same.

Everyone has insecurities
That form their personality
Their fears and what bring them to tears
Their mind and what makes them kind
Their heart and what pulls them apart
Individuality
Is what i find most endearing.

So tell me,
All your stories theories and your favorite series.
I’d genuinely like to know
What drives you, what IS your soul?

Complicated?
Differences that make you not like the rest?
I personally think people like that are the best.
Those who have gone through life
And have survived their fights.

I’ll admit
I’m a bit romantic.
With theories and opinions
On why and how people love.

I’ve always been a bit clueless
When people have tried to confess
Anything indirectly said
Tends to go over my head.

My mind tends to fantasize
Everything all the time.
Things that are impossible
Or unfathomable

But I’ve learned as time goes
Though there is much i dont know
That when feelings occur
I should get to know the person first.

To wait and to understand
Quirks and habits and traits piling up like sand.
To know a person before getting together
Makes a relationship a lot better.

So off my brain goes
While i research the soul.

What if you loved someone who was
Across oceans and seas
As far away as far can be.

Would you still be able to write them prose?
If you can’t touch their fingers or toes or nose?

If you had to describe yourself
To someone you’ve never met,
And may very well never meet,
Could you be honest about what you see?

Would you give an accurate description
Or end up writing a piece of fiction?

Would you send the photo of you dressed to your best?
Or the one after you’ve finished a difficult test?

Would you feel obligated to impress
Or figure that your worst is probably also your best.

Could you be honest with who you are?
Because they live so very very far?

Have you ever been
Encaptured by the stars?

Have you ever wanted
To fly away to Mars?

Have you ever wanted
To exist in Outer Space?
But not to exist
Within our space.

Have you ever wanted
To fly up, up so high?
Because the high down on Earth
Is really just a lie.

Have you ever wanted
To land upon a Sun?
Though you know that you’d burn,
Before you got to touch one.

Have you ever wanted
To travel to a far away place?
Well, what farther is there
Than this vast land we call

“Space”

I read something someone wrote today
It shocked me so much i nearly melted away.
What a lucky guy i thought to myself
To have someone appreciate them for being themselves.
To enjoy reading their writing
And want to know more about what drives them.
I don’t know if they were talking about me
Because i could just be wanting to be seen.
I couldn’t help but think about their questions
What my answers would be
If it was me who could satiate their curiosity?
I am into girls
But I am not in a relationship
I can be very overbearing and clingy
But I’m simply being me.
My favorite color?
Well i suppose I’m just as indecisive as any other
I enjoy dark shades of blue, purple, and red.
Oh wait! Does black or grey count as a color instead?
Coffee or tea? Hmm let’s see.
I really hope this wouldn’t be a deal breaker
For I’m not particularly into either flavor.
I’m a bit of a soda addict you see,
I love the caffeination and carbonation.
I may be a bit extreme.
But i suppose i can say that for almost all of me

I cant stay by you
I’m an extrovert but this, i cant do.
My personality should allow me to
But yet still I’m off a bit, I’m something new.

The longer i stay here
The more i can feel the tears
Are they going to stream down my face?
But when it comes to holding back, I’m an ace.

When it comes to hiding things
I can jump through all the hoops, and all the rings.
I can easily put up a face if i want
And you won’t be able to find anything no matter how much you hunt.

My goal is to leave
I know it makes everyone seethe.
‘Course that only helps me
You’re encouraging my behavior without being able to see.

But you deserve it
Because you make my head ring
In my head it sits.
Waiting for the bell to go “ding ding ding”

I cant keep fighting these demons
It’s not worth it for some fun.
I half want to stay and i half don’t
Because no matter how much i love you,
These demons are making me choke.

I sit here, alone in my room
Contemplating the world,
And is my life gonna end soon?

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something missing.
Something just out of reach,
Something that I can't keep.

They say,
"Out of sight,
Out of mind"
But I don't think that applies here!

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something out there.
Just waiting for me,
Waiting to make me happy.

...
And I know
It's a stretch.
I'm a mess,
Inside.

I just need some hope.
Or else I might choke,
Underneath this constant pressure.
This tidal wave,
Pushing and pulling me under.

And I know-
I know,
This isn't the end.
And I'm sure that there's somethin'
Just 'round the bend.

But can I make it,
To the other side?
If I can't seem to get
Out of this life

...
Yeah I know-
I know,
That everyone's out there.
But it's hard to remember
That they still care.

...
I know that I'm di-fi-cult...
I know I can make people
Feel like they're useless!
I know all these things,
Cause in my head it rings...

DING DING DING!!!!
Game Start!
DING DING DING!!!!
Out hard.
DING DING DING!!!!
Don't try.
DING DING DING!!!!
You Died.

...
Do I put in another quarter?
Or do I just sit back in horror?
How many quarters is this gonna take?
I could play this game
For the rest of the ****...
Day.

...
Maybe it's better if I just,
Go away?
Maybe then I can,
Own to my mistakes?
Is that what it's
Gonna take?

I'm

Fake.

I'm waiting for the words to flow down from my fingertips
To swirl and twirl and sound more magical than if it came from my lips.
Waiting for that mystical world of vivid hues
To grace my bland hands with its adventurous views.

Pen to paper, fingers to keys
Ideas and notions crashing like oceans and buzzing around like bees.
My thoughts entrance me
Leading my fingers to start dancing.
Rapidly writing and typing
Twisting and turning 'round stanzas and lines
Embracing the thoughts that are mine.

What is Truth
And what is it's use?
How to explain Love
And it's many notions of soaring above.
Laughing as i write little tricks and hints.
Words with many shades and tints.

The page turns golden
The swirls scramble, they never end
Words shining loud as can be
The true beauty of poetry.

Your voice spools like satin
Do you know that you sound amazingly attractive?
Syllables curling around my ears
Speaking words you find dear.

My heart flutters lightly
If you were here my blush would be unsightly.
Yet it’s not ****** at all
Instead to sleep I’m lulled.

Just a chapter
If i was a cat i would gladly purr
Curled up with you
Stealing your warmth to escape the gloom.

You’re busy reading out loud to me
The stars in my eyes go unseen
The scenes in my head
So much more vivid than if i had read instead.

I want to read with you
To fall asleep to your voices serene tune
Cuddle myself safe within entangled limbs
Through the sea of soft syllables i swim

The words twirl down from your lips
An ambrosia i happily sip
I lose myself in your voice
But i refuse to leave you, my smartest choice.

Would it be better
If I screamed and cried?
Would it be better
If I tried to die?
Would that be right?

I don't know
What it is you want
"I want what's best for you"
I don't know what I want

Have I told you I might want
To join the military
I'm not sure what division
But I want to fight on my countries side

But when the law was passed
You, with relief, comically said
Guess you can't run off and join
The military

It was one of the
First times you actually
Liked me for being a boy

You are not accepting
No matter what you say
You deal with me
And care only when necessary
You don't want to lose me
So you attempt to accept me
But you do not truly care for me

I worry what you would think
If I told you I
Dont believe in a god
Or a heaven
Or a hell
I have a more Buddhist type of beliefs

I haven't believed in a god
For awhile now
But I haven't told you
Because it doesn't matter
I don't see why it should affect us
The same way
Me being your son
Should affect
Our relationship

You need therapy
You can't fix yourself
You can't fix your anger
Or your hatred
Because it's stemmed from somewhere
So deep inside of you
That you can't remove it
You've let it grow for so long
That you need help to
Uproot it

This has turned into a rant
But I don't feel bad about that
Because you never let me get
A single word in
I deserve someone on my side
Dad has said
If it comes down to it
He would pick you over us
Because he can lose us
But not you

So no matter what you say
In a conversation
He is always 100% on your side
He will never be on mine
Not even a little bit
Because you are who matters to him
I do not
And I wonder
Do you refuse
To have a mediator
Because then you might lose

Either way you lose
You lose an argument
And make a compromise
Or you lose me
And that's it you dont get a compromise
You wouldn't deserve one

Use me and abuse me
I love it when I’m all you see
Please be my Queen
I’ll gladly bow on my knees
Treat me like a slave
Punish me when i misbehave
Tell me that I’m nothing
While calling me at 4 am because you “want me”
Let me follow you around
I promise not to make too much sound
I want your punishment and praise
I want to wait on you hand and foot when you just want to laze.
I want you to tie me up
And tell me that I’m just your little pup
And that puppies who don’t follow the rules
And just like jesters and fools.
And need to be punished by their Queen
Until their voice is raw with screams.

How is it any ******* different
Tell me please id like to know
You can bow with the crowd after your show
After you’ve finished screaming and yelling and threatening
And I’m ******* crying wanting to escape you.
Because I’m sick of this hurt as much as I’m sick of you.
You say you love me
You say you care but then won’t let me be
You hurt me emotionally
And when i fight back or do the same things you do I’m the one punished
That’s not fair and i dont care
What stupid ******* book you’re reading because it’s clearly not ******* helping
You’re still hurting me
And i dont care how much or even how you apologize
Because deep down we both know it’s a lie.
So maybe i defend myself because we learn from what our parents teach us
You’ve taught me to be the abusive one who apologizes after mutilating trust.
But it’s okay because I’ve at least accepted that about myself
So now i can fix it. I can get help.
But as long as you deny how much pain you put me in
You’ll never compare in this fight, you’ll never win.
After this long with this painful tune
I’ve learned how to hurt myself better than you.

Pain, without love
Pain, can’t get enough
Pain, it’s all i love
I need to feed this hurt in me

Pain, drugged me up
Pain, it’s all i want
I need to feed this Beast in me

Pain, in solitude
Pain, it’s what i do
Pain, can’t get too deep
Just what i need to feed this Beast

Pain, in agony
Pain, it’s not what you think
This is release
The pain is inside me

Pain, flowing down
Pain, it won’t get out
Pain
It’s all i want, it’s all i need
Just feed this Beast inside of me

Pain, make it stop
Pain, it’s ‘round the clock
Pain, where’s my lunch break?
Pain, won’t let me escape

Pain, it’s all i want
Pain, it’s all i need
Pain, i need to leave
But not unless it won’t let me

If you want to save the world
Prepare for just bad news
You can not save the heartless and cruel
You can not change the unwaverable

You can not convince those who refuse to see.
You can not help those who do not ask
Your love means nothing to those who don't love you back

Prepare for utter disappointment
For it is not a 'you give and you take' it is a 'you give and they get'
There is no balance to them
No yin and yang
No give and take
Only get and take
And a sweet, innocent personality to fake

But it's all an illusion
You mean nothing to them
You keep wasting hours and hours
Doting on them, but only giving them more power
Power over you that gets to their head
An infectious disease

They now hold everything over you, and all you can do is plead.
Plead for them to stop
Plead for them to let this drop
Plead for them to leave you alone
You wanted to help, not feel hate like you’ve never known.

How were you to know this hate existed?
You’d grown up in a world where people always listened.
This is completely new to you
These collective hateful, restricting, and narrow minded views

You wanted to save the world.
But the world didn’t want to be saved by you.

Iron bars
Endless stars
Crying all alone
Wondering who to phone
Just wanting to go home
What is home
I’m not sure I’ve ever known
Believe in yourself
But that’s impossible without help
My everything is a mess
Maybe i should just be all alone
***** this imaginary home
I speak to the silence
Teter-tottering on this fence
Following the shadow in the light
Focusing on the dark
...
It's all i like.

It’s like I’m on fire.
A human torch, or rather, a lighter.
Flame shoots from my lips and fingertips.
Burning those around me to a crisp.
At first the flame is only warm,
Until it starts licking around the torn.
Growing brighter and heavier,
The flame forces all other senses into a dull blur.
Don’t help me,
You’re only providing more fuel.
You’re no savior, you’re just a fool.
I am Flame. I am Smoke.
The syllables i speak will burn and make you choke.

There is a wall between us
One i cannot break
One i can’t get through
And find a way to say hey

No matter how hard i try
Our relationship, i cannot save
I wish i could reach out
Break through this clear cage.

But i can only smush my face against the glass
In hopes you will see
But you are not looking at me
Can you even see the glass?
Do you realize i am trapped?
Do you see that i cant reach through
I can’t touch or talk to you.

I’m not so sure what to do
You look content
On your side of this wall
Laughing and dancing
Talking and walking

And i -
I stay here
On my side of this wall
It looms all around
I feel like I’m  bound
‘Tis a solemn event
As i attempt to find a way through,
I can only conclude
It’s too strong to dent.

This is more of a vent
But i want it to rhyme
I just want to get over the wall! I’m hell-bent!
I want to get past this pane
It’s glass that just won’t ******* break
Without you how can i possibly stay sane?!
How do i fix this?
How do i reach you?
I’ll find a way out
I need to.

Do you even seen this glass?
How long can this loneliness last?
Do you see how I’m stuck?
How can you reach me?
If you can’t even see me?
I can not reach you.
Though try i might
But you look happy
Perhaps I’ll just give up this fight.

So i stay behind this glass
Maybe if you are happy my sadness will be over in a flash.
But alas i am forced to wait
So I stare through this pain

No matter what I want you to be happy,
Even though i wish i could feel the same.