there is a gold lighter on the kitchen counter.
it doesn't mean anything
but it still burns with the heat of the last time it
was alive.
i pocket it.  i will try it later, when i am alone,
and watch it's smoke curl in to the crevices of the endless sky.


outside there is a dais and my family are spread across it like a luxurious french tapestry.  
it is fraying, though.
or maybe it always was.



i am colder than i was here, last year.
every spring we gather to remind each oher
that we should see each oher more, shouldn't we?
i am planted in this polite, vacuous soil of words.
a bulb submerged, fat and waiting in the earth.
i am waiting to grow.  to turn my face up, and away.
last year there were more of us, i'm sure;
but i can't recall the names
faces
of those that aren't here.

we are measuring our decline like an hourglass-
with each new year we are one less, one less.

I often wonder
whether in those books you read
you ever read my name
between the lines

like an unexpected gift
or unfortunate rift
like a rifle aimed at you
or flowers handed to you

do you ever feel like I am there?
staring back at your weary eyes
do you ever stop and think back?
the love we never got to share...

a poisonous thought, come evening
I wonder and wonder and wander
to you, the birthmark on your wrist
the poems you write, the meaning you twist

between the lines
did you ever wonder?

quietude of love
everlastingly beautiful
rambunctious excitement
effervescent life
never, yet, the twain shall meet

between the lines
did you ever wonder about me?

My love,
I wish you could visit.
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Is truly exquisite.
And I knew,
From the very start,
That you and I
Can never depart.

As not a million miles,
Can break us apart.

maybe
my wings
are a bit
too long
and i’ve
flown
too close
to the sun

perhaps
it is i
who is
lost
in
the sky
getting
carried away
having fun

my smile
has shown
more
than it has
in a while
and i’m
looking forward
to future
grins
too

my head’s
in a spin
as
my heart’s
caving in
and i’m
just not
quite sure
what to do

i know
what
i want
and i
i know
what
i don’t
but i’m
not sure
how to
navigate
between

i’ve been lost
for so long
that i
don’t know
what’s wrong
and i’m
stuck
feeling
like
the
grass
is
never green

the moon
hangs
on
a
wire
as
it
dangles
to
inspire
and i’m
caught
beneath
recycled rays
of sun

the lights
will guide
the way
the
stars
will
find a day
for us to
be
everything
we’d
hoped
we
could
become

i have never loved anybody the way i loved you
i’m afraid that i never will
i know not all love is the same
but must you be the one i never forget
must you be the one i compare to all the rest
maybe it’s not you
yeah, you weren’t perfect
perhaps you were just the first time
i put my all into somebody

In shadows cast by loss, I dwell,
Last New Year took, my heart's knell.
Seeking solace, with aunt I dwell,
Yet found within, a tempest's swell.

Their strife, a dance of pain untold,
Narcissism's grip, a tale unfold.
Kindness quivers, in fragile hold,
As savings slip, in coffers cold.

Two moons pass, in this troubled space,
Yearning to flee, this tangled embrace.
But chains unseen, withhold my grace,
Rest eludes, in this weary chase.

In whispers soft, I plead my leave,
Yet echoes of refusal cleave.
Sleep, a distant, elusive reprieve,
In this tangled web, I grieve.

Lost in silence, veiled distress,
Wounds unseen, seek redress.
Yearning for solace, in the vastness,
Amidst their chaos, I confess.

I've an aversion

to fighting and to people --


The fight of my life.

I'll be up at five, so I can leave by six. For this rare occasion, I won't hit snooze. It does not matter that my bones are creaking, and my eyes still craving some sleep because a longing heart can defy anything that's making me weak.

For love, I will ride motorcycles, and respond uncomfortably to men who do not need to know anything more than my name, and where I'm headed. We'll hit the road obnoxiously, and take turns on unfamiliar streets. I will put all my faith in the helmet I'm wearing, and in humanity, while I hold on for dear life.

After a dreadful ride, I will step foot inside an unfamiliar building. I could place a bet that I'd get lost inside because well, it's me. When I finally find my bus, I will hop on anxiously. Yet, despite everything that's running in my head, peace will come to me.

It will come in the way the early sun lies in the palm of my hand, its warmth, melting away my worries.
And from the pair of bright innocent eyes peeking from the seat in front of me.
Calm will come from watching the bus slowly fill with passengers from the city.
Especially, from the thought that all of us are headed somewhere for a grand reason — for love.

Dread will become anticipation and anticipation to plain excitement.

I will wait patiently behind the soft murmurs of strangers. And when the conductor finally hands me my ticket, I would think that I could do this as often as you want me to.

In my seat, I will sink with both childlike wonder and a new sense of independence. There, I will find joy in all the unfamiliarity.

The ride will be a cycle of seats getting emptied and reoccupied as the bus traverses through cities.

And when it gets emptier, I will tell you that I’m almost there.