How can you not see,
That I’m hurting constantly?
I have gone through life,
Worrying about others. But, what about myself?
How can you not try,
Try to help, comfort, support me?
I have to carry others, while I carry myself.
After a while, that carrying becomes too much.
And you have to decide,
Drop others or drop yourself.
And for me,
It’s always myself.
How can you not see,
That I’m constantly hurting?
From the pain of carrying,
Time after time,
You ask the same questions,
Although the answers,
Will always be the same,
You keep trying,
To get into his mind,
He not playing the game,
Time to blow the whistle,
Enough is enough,
His mind is overactive,
Full of complicated stuff,
Caring soul you are,
Together love you have shown,
When it comes to picking his mind,
Maybe better to leave him alone.
There are times when you just have to stop caring. You have to. And it's the most toughest, most painfully challenging task. To stop caring when all you want to do is go back and walk around that harmed skin, make a fucking mausoleum of your wounds. For a person like you, a person who already feels too much and cannot do NOTHING about it, it is hard, of course it is hard. All those pseudo, glitter-guaranteed quotes lose their meaning right in front of your eyes -- you extend your arm but no bird sits on it, you cannot in your fucking life reach for a silver lining. It's too FAR.
You don't want to stop caring because you are secretly fond of the warmth of that now-filling-now-healing wound. You don't want to heal but you do. You stop caring.
I'm a self destructive mess.
Putting myself down
Because when I see myself
I feel I am not good enough
You shouldn't love me
You shouldn't care.
You shouldn't be near me
Because I am self destructive
And I will hurt you
In the process
Of hurting myself
I know I scare you
With all the things
I think badly about myself
But I didn't tell you to love me
You can help me fix myself
Because I am a self destructive mess
And so are you
I guess that is why we work together
Each time I hear your heartbeat sic along with the beep,
I never wish to let you go.
Every breath you take,
Makes me wish to stop time.
When I feel your warmth,
I always come to the small thought,
That one day I won't feel your warmth anymore.
I will no longer get to put my head against your chest,
And count how many times your heart beats in the rhythmic pattern.
No longer will I be able to hear each breath you take,
And when you come to your end, I shall weep.
My dear one laying and waiting in the hospital bed,
I promised no matter how much it hurts me I shall stay beside you.
Every time that beep pauses my heart leaps,
Each time the doctor has to pull me out of the room for a "check up,"
Or "Check in," everything becomes a blur and I let a few sea salt tears fall.
My dear hospital bedded lover,
I'll miss you when you go,
That is why I lay so close and take every part of you in.
Never do I wish to leave, even if you leave me in my arms.
I want to soak in the your warmth,
And bask in your sweet nothings that you whisper to me.
Your heartbeat is a lullaby I cannot dream without.
I will feel empty when your hospital bed feels no longer inhabited,
And you will not return back to me.
Higher and higher; my love sinks down
I lose the sun, in exchange for the moon
Day by day; it's how we'll get by
I'll dance in the rain; I'll steal your sickness
Breath by breath; I'll be so gentle with you
I want to kiss your pale cheek, give you life.
Lower and lower, but my voice won't falter
I'll sing to the slow rhythm of you heartbeat
And I know you'll smile even though you'll
Be afraid and it will break my heart off into
Another piece, but it's okay, I'll give it to
You, so you'll have something to hold on to.
Those woes and fears,
A painted smile,
Now masquerades those tears,
Daily trials and tribulations,
Their way of handling,
Carefully in the mirror,
They will construct this face,
All of their troubles,
Firmly put in a safe place,
Now oblivious not for sharing,
Lack of trust,
Lack of caring,
Paint on that smile,
Which conceals those cracks?
All traces and tracks,
Slowly resurrecting this,
Keeping the door closed,
Disguises this pretence.
Silently you suffer,
The onset of depression,
Shame and fear,
Will prevent their confession!
Who will care? Who will cry?
Too many wrongs,
Not enough rights,
Get twisted in your head,
Voices from the living,
Voices from the dead,
Demons, will visit you,
They laugh out loud,
Into the growing crowd,
They are now chanting,
Beating a drum,
Begging, and pleading,
Willing you to come
Even though it’s not your time,
Close your eyes,
You will be just fine,
Who will care?
Who will cry?
Will they even wonder why?
Only you can decide,
Whether to listen to the voice!
Loved ones left behind
Will never be given,