I take each step forward
thinking about the steps you took without me.
My heart has faith
in the love that it felt
and it knows not how to give up.
But the pain of your indifference and neglect
hits the shore made of pebbles and shells
we collected all our life,
for the one we shall love.
But tonight, I am leaving this shore,
venturing into waters that I do not know of,
to feel what you feel.
So we may be united in hatred,
if not in love.
To my Mom on Christmas-
This Christmas I sat alone at my house
I did a lot of crying, sulking, thinking things like, “Why don’t I have a spouse?”
I see old friends from high school getting married and starting families,
I’m over here medicated trying to hold on to my sanity.
Right now times are hard but I’m determined to thrive
If it were not for you mom I probably wouldn’t be alive.
I’m almost thirty and as single as can be
It’s hard not to feel like it’s not worth it to love me.
You however have stuck by my side.
You’ve always listened on nights that I’ve cried.
How come I can’t have healthy relationships?
Why does my dad shun me and not take me on trips?
How come my sister never answers my calls?
And how come when I’m around I drive my brother up the walls?
Twenty-seven years old and still depending on you a dad.
I am very aware it makes you extremely mad.
I know you work so hard day in and day out.
You set a great example for me as to what life is about.
You keep your head down and get paid less than you should
You don’t complain often although you could.
With me always needing money I know it’s impossible to save
For your retirement that I know you crave.
Sometimes it may feel like this cycle will never end
But I promise you this Christmas will be the last one I spend
Without sending gifts to those I care for most
I promise to become someone about whom you can boast.
I will be the woman you have always hoped I’d become
One who loves herself and does volunteer work and doesn’t feel numb.
I know you have dreams of traveling and finding love
But you’re too busy helping me and I know you’re tired of
Always being the one who catches me as I’m falling
I apologize for waiting all these years to grow up and stalling.
I know one day I can give you all you desire
Peace of mind knowing we made it through the fire.
I know we will come out on top of this mess fine
Because fortunately for me my mom is the best kind
She’s the kind that will always listen to me cry
And explains to me there isn’t always a why.
Things happen for reasons we cannot explain
Life is messy things change and they will never be the same.
Things may not go back to how they used to be
All the kids are grown up now and I finally see
That if I want a Merry Christmas I have to find it in my heart
I need to let my resentments go and that’d be a good place to start.
Eventually mom the tables will turn, and I’ll be working hard and have money to burn. Then I can take care of you because you’re my mother.
You can live in my guesthouse and watch my little girl and her brother.
With Mike out of the picture, another two years wasted
It might be a minute but I want it so bad I can taste it.
I want the family, big house, some kids, a dog and a yard.
But I know to achieve any of this like you I will have to work hard.
You’ve shown me that nothing in life comes free
But there are people out there far worse off than me.
Because at the end of the day I have the greatest thing of all
I have you as a mother and you always answer my call.
Thank you for always listening, always giving me advice
You tell me to value my self and not settle for someone who does not treat me nice.
You’ve listened to me bitch and moan about how Mike makes me sad.
Time and again asking me why am I with someone who treats me bad?
Bad character you said is something you can’t change
The heart wants what it wants though and I know that it’s strange
That I’d want to be with someone who makes me feel so alone
Someone who won’t even accept my calls when I call on the phone.
But you mother dear, you’re not the same
You’re naturally a caretaker and never make me ashamed
You’ve always accepted me and understood my disease
You’ve taught me that I should be the one I’m trying to please.
I’ve put you through so much all of these years
I’ve struggled but you’ve always been there to wipe away my tears
You hold me when I’m upset and tell me it’s going to be all right
To be thankful for what I have when I lay my head down at night
Because thanks to you and dad I have a place to call home
Even though there were no presents and I was alone
I still appreciate all that you have always done for me
When I was in jail you were the reason I was freed
After all the pain I’ve caused myself and put you through you’re still there
And I know for a fact your not going anywhere.
At times I feel lost, lose faith, and lose my way
But your still here to talk to me everyday
You tell me to let it go, that it’s ok to cry
That dad is who he is and we’ll probably never know why.
But who needs a dad when I have you as my mother
I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world that I didn’t end up with another.
Through all the chaos and pain I have put you through
You still remind me I’m your baby and you’ll always be true.
You have said to me, “There’s not a thing in this world I could do that would change your love for me.”
That kind of unconditional love it doesn’t grow on trees.
I’m more than fortunate, what I am there’s not a word for
That would encompass all love you’ve given me at times when you should have shown me the door.
This Christmas may not have been the best; it definitely has not been like the rest.
We used to at least come together and exchange cards.
This year all were absent and it was super hard.
But like always talking to you made be feel better
so I wanted to sit down and write you this letter.
Do you remember when I was just a little girl
We’d lay down in bed in and your arms I would curl
You’d read me this book, you read it a bunch
It was called Love you Forever and it was by Robert Munsch.
It was about how much a mother loved her new baby
Even though at times he would make her feel crazy
At night time when he was fast asleep
On her hands and knees into his room she would creep
And if in fact he was in a deep slumber
She would rock him back and fourth and sing him this number
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as you living my baby you’ll be.”
I remember when you read this part you looked right at me.
The little boy grew, nine, twelve, thirty-five,
and as the story goes, his older mother eventually died.
Well that little boy grew up to become a father
and at night he’d rock and sing to his daughter.
He’d sing the same song his mother had sang
Because we learn how to parent from where we came.
So this is how I know I’m going to be okay.
Because I’ve had the greatest role model cheering me on everyday.
A woman at times who was both mom and dad.
Who compensated for the lack of love that he had.
I thank you for being the best mom to me
And know that I need like $40 this poem wasn’t free.
Just kidding. I Love you. Merry Christmas.
Born into darkness, a space of flashing consuming orbs in the outer rims
Of this sliver of cosmic abhorrent existences
Crashing against young minds with no sense of empathy or care
Filling those innocent souls with jaded sighs and black streaked blood
Never a chance they had, to see the world through a brighter scope
Only the reality of a concrete road littered with trash and dead rodents
that fences unevenly around
this vicinity seems synthetically
who are we all kidding?
everyone's passing looks with such
I can't lie to myself, not with my heart
it speaks of pure honesty
even if it scares those hearts away,
I'm casting down my chains first
to teach us how to avoid such fate
Skewed, and Angled.
Perception of time seems so vulnerable, at least able to be captured.. mangled.
Away it flies, yet draws closer by the second; quilted with its own set of rules and manners.. entangled.. in itself.
The ultimate healer, but kills all, besides itself, "In time." Dividing a fine line between happiness and misery..
Above rides the wind, and below, the waves.
Neither can go back, or skip ahead.
About to hear freedom call
While justice whimpers
Hidden in chambers
Suits & robes whisper
Dictating the futures of people
A blind trust for those of us
That no one knows nothing about
The laws to which
We continue to abide
No, challenge insight
Embers smolder inside
Desperate to not
Abandon life's plight
Ending the nightmare
The wear & tear
Of emotional thoughts
Sing a song of Ps & Qs
Or else suits & robes
Throwing the book
Of blind justice
Rules made just for us
we may have met at a time
when time was temporarily
on our side,
who I was before you
and the time when I'm with you
this almost heart
has slowly been crippling,
unshaking hands with the dark parts
nursing all that good feeling in as much as
you've given to me since
all the way home
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
though my somedays
will probably look only like you,
I hope the Polaroids will eventually always be
something to smile about