Love crept up on me
and knocked at my heart
and I tried hard
to open it --
but the key
broke off in the lock
and now
I helplessly watch
as love is swiftly
moving far
                                                       away
from me.

This club I'm in is so mundane
it's the lonely hearts club
and makes me insane--
No one to listen,
no one to really care
all I have of late
is my lonely heart to share--
but I'm not giving up
I know my day will dawn
and when it does
I'll put my best dress on
and go out on the town
to find someone real
someone who can walk
into my heart
without having to steal
all the joy they find there
and yet, they'll gladly receive
the joy, the love I would willingly give
if they'll only believe--
you see--all I want,
all I really even need
is someone to care, to love
it sure would be nice
if it came at godspeed
and rescued me
from this club I'm in
and help my lonely heart
to find a real and true friend...

Missing in Action--
that would be me--
I hide out in my dark room
sometimes afraid
to leave the gloom
but when I finally
find my way back here
I always find writes
that seem so perfect and dear
and I wonder why
it takes me so long
to come back here to read
when so oftentimes
that I do--
it sparks the hidden need
I feel for connection
for all you amazing poets here
thank you, dear poets
for helping me to clear
a path to a new and improved me
I hope I'll be here more often
and that you all
will be happy, safe, healthy and free...

None can ever say
that I did not try
to find my way--
I traveled all the way here
to start a new life
to escape the fear
of living with a monster
that never stayed under the bed--
instead he lashed out daily
and bashed in my head
and when I ran with all my might
to escape the abuse, the fear
he somehow found his way
and discovered me here--
so I had to resort to legalities
begging the law
to just take him away--Please.

He's in jail now
for quite a long time--
you see he finally committed
a heinous crime
of killing someone
with his bought and paid for gun
and I hope he does many years
so I will no longer have to run--

none can ever say
that I didn't try
to find my way
to make a real life
right here...
so that I won't have to hide
and live in fear
of monsters that don't stay under the bed
and of wondering  when it will be me
who they find lying dead...

in the twilight
i saw your shadow
lurking
as if waiting
to capture me
and in my fear
and anxious state of mind
all I could do was flee.

i wonder now
what if you were someone
i could have shared a moment or two
what if i had stayed
and got acquainted
with you?

fear eats at me,
rules my world
so many times
each and every day
and oh, i wish, i wish, i wish
i knew how to just stay

and be a part of this life
that so many others
seem to so easily do
but reaching out,
touching, talking to others
just makes me
shiver and tremble all the way through...

My heart aches
for all who
are feeling the pain
who are in shock too--
I wish so much
there was something more
MY heart could do--
all I know to do is pray
and keep believing
in love and hope and light too...

the hour is late and upon the wall
i see words written in some
other worldly scrawl
and a part of me knows
I should probably be afraid
yet the only fear I have
is being swayed
to the side of the darkened gloom
that seems to penetrate
every corner of my room
and though I know
the morning will bring the light
it doesn't help me
while I'm here
in this blackened night--
peering at the writing on the wall
which is etched
in some other worldly scrawl
and finally I am able to decipher
and clearly read what is written there:
*"Those who sleep here
must become aware
that when the night grows dim
and light shines through--
there will be death and horror
lying in wait for you."

upon awakening
from the abyss
of my darkest dreams
I did my best
to stifle my inner screams...

The iciness of his words
couldn't have hurt more
had he taken the icicle from
the overhang of my roof
and stabbed me
clean through to
this heart of mine.

Rigid and unforgiving
his breath spewed from his tongued mouth
forcing me to step back and wince
for so often the stench he breathes
brings harm to my soul
and wrecks havoc on the pieces of me
that once were whole.

'Tis only a memory now--
but still,
late at night
it comes back,
haunting me
taunting my senses
making me feel
as though
I should flee--
but where to go?
who to turn to now?
he's locked away--
but still...
those words, his evil
has a grip on me
somehow...

I awoke with a start
to the silence of no beating heart
lying there underneath my ear!
I wanted to choke down my fear
yet a scream was about to unleash from me
when suddenly your beating heart broke free
and made me realize it had never really stopped--
my ears were all plugged up and when they popped
the sound came through at last so loud and clear--
"lub dub lub dub lub dub"... sigh...so precious to be able to hear!

If upon awakening
you happen to call out my name
and get no answer
it's because
Nothing,
Absolutely Nothing
ever stays the same...

...can describe the pain
of what so many are going through
no words can give back
the lives lost
all I know to do
is hope hope hope
each and every day
that somehow our world
will find a better way
than to maim and ****
when things are not what we agree upon
if we don't find better ways of coping
one day soon, our world will just be gone
(and then there really will be
NO WORDS)...

I keep hoping the day will come
that all mankind will live as one.
I can't stop hoping, can you?
Somehow we have to make it true--
that love really does make the world go round
(I just hope it happens before we all drown).
I keep hoping the day will come
that all mankind will live as ONE.

Awaiting the moment
when peace will return
when somehow
my mind, my body
will learn
that this life is not
my enemy
but instead
my vessel
for finding my way.

lost and alone
seems to be
the entire story
of who happens
to be me
but that's okay
I'll find my way
and when I do
perhaps
you'll join me too?

Perhaps if I go back to sleep
I'll find that on the morrow
I will still be alive
and can wash this nightmare
from my soul
and begin anew--
I keep thinking...
perhaps in the morning
I can just let it all go...
morning comes in only an hour or two...

Even though life seems to be teaching me
sometimes I wonder if ever
I will truly and without doubt
feel like I am really free...

                                        (for you see, sometimes
                                        the fears, the nightmares
                                        come back in the dark of night
                                        and I lay there shivering with absolute fright!)
                  
and then I think if I close my eyes tight
they (the monsters in my head)
will not be able to see
just how much they're frightening me--
but still, the darkness lurks
at the end of every single day
and I have to manage somehow
to keep the fears/monsters/my pain at bay...

                                         So, even though life seems to be teaching me
                                         sometimes I wonder if ever
                                         I will truly and without doubt
                                         feel like I am really free...

regret and guilt
eat me alive at times
wishing so much
i could undo
all of my crimes--
so many things
from my past it seems
all the huge mistakes i've made
seem to haunt my vivid dreams
and oh the pain, the fear
that constantly encompass me
whenever I think that one day
all in this world will be able to see...
but there is no undoing
that can possibly be done
to mine own undoing
you see, i'm the one
who committed the acts of sin
and no one can help me now
no one can let me go back and begin
to try to undo what's done somehow...
so off i go trodding through
until the end of time
when my days will come to an end
**and all will know my sins, my crime...

If trust is so sacred to you
why are you so stingy with it?
Why, I wonder can you not
forgive and move on
and allow the future
to unfold as it is meant to unfold
instead of constantly searching
for reasons to chase the past?

If trust is so sacred to you
then why will you not give it freely
and allow it to shine forth
and become a real part
of who you are
instead of placing it
crumb by crumb?

If trust is so sacred to you
then why not give truly from your heart
and let all who know you feel and see
that you carry such beauty
inside of you
instead of wearing that hateful fear
that eats you up inside?

Trust.
You say you want to trust me,
yet you refuse to really try.
Always searching for tidbits
to prove that you cannot have
peace of mind--
yet too, you are always, always
looking behind--

If trust is so sacred--
then allow the future to unfold
without strings knotted up
from the past.
No one can trust when they refuse
to look forward
rather than looking back...

Someone once told me a secret.
It was supposed to help to set me free--
but this secret has yet to reveal
what I've been hoping I would see--
All I've gained so far
is the uncanny sense of awareness
that no matter what I say or do
this secret that someone once gave me
will never lead me back to you.
And thus, the realization hits me hard--
Secrets aren't always real or true...

finding solace
in reuniting
with my sis
is perhaps
one of the most
amazing gifts
I have ever given
to me.
I hope she and I
will forever
and always
(you know,
til the end of time)...
just BE.

If ever I stumble upon your soul
I will find a way to let you know
and I'll do my best to give it to you
so that you and your soul can travel through
this crazy life united as one--
as a souless life seems (somehow) so undone...

So unlike me.
I stepped on toes today--
didn't mean to,
but I couldn't help it
when they asked me
what I had to say--
I simply replied
that if things were up to me,
I'd set this whole **** world on fire
and send a note to god above
to start all over
and this time fill it with REAL LOVE--
no hate and no mean, unkind creatures
to rule the new, universal world
just LOVE and CARE and HOPE
should be unfurled--

and then once it all begins again
to reap the gifts of this love
and make sure love always conquers
over meanness, over sin...

Spinning like a red rubber ball
that bounces and careens
off a hard, brick wall--
I land on the floor
and spin and spin
for hell hath wrought
the fury without and within
and the danger lurks
just around the bend
I hope and pray
the world doesn't end...
(but I doubt that it will--
so I'll continue to spin)...

Always there are moments in time
whenever you wish you could rewind
take away those moments from fact,
from your memory--
relive them in the way
you'd wished them to be--
but reality sets in
and you have to realize
that no matter how many times
you tell yourself the lies,
you have to live the truth,
the stark reality
that is borne of now
and what is simply meant
to be.
But always there are those moments in time
when you ache to take away
what is meant to be
and turn it into something
that will not just help,
but set your life, your soul
completely free...

I heard her calling out to me
tried to ignore her,
begged her to set me free
but her scent, her taste
kept calling to me
I ached so
for her to just let me be
but the lure, the pull
her enticing ways
kept gnawing and eating at me
for days
and finally I gave in to her call
and drank in her aroma, her scent
tasted the essence of her elixir from hell
and I sit here now
trying to tell
which way is up--
is the room spinning (or is it me?)
I should have insisted
she let me be,
but I'm weak and her taste and lure is strong--
I should have known better--
giving into brandy
has always been wrong...

totally alone again
but for once,
that's okay--
i needed this time
to just pull away
to reflect and decide
who it is
i really want to be
and to find out too
if you'll even miss
that woman
i used to be...

doesn't really matter tho
for if there
is one certain thing
i most definitely know
it's that no one cares
as much as you think and hope
they do--
and least of all not those
who are the likes of you--

so never mind--
loneliness can be my new name
and all will work out fine
as i learn this new game
and i won't allow my heart
to fall for you
ever again
so keep on hopin'
(if you want)
-but-
*you will NOT win.

I met up with Time
and had quite a talk with her--
she keeps stealing my minutes & hours
making my life
an absolute blur--
so I told her in no uncertain terms
that she'd better give back
all those minutes & hours
I worked so hard to earn
and she reluctantly shook her head
so woefully
and without much of an apology,
she looks at me,
saying that what she steals
she does NOT return--
And as for all those minutes she stole?
She said she let them burn...
(****!)

Time never stops.
It waits for no one.
It doesn't care
whether it's the moon
or whether it's the sun
time just marches on
and leaves us all feeling robbed
and needing more
but the worst thing about time
is the way it seems to pour
through our fingers
like grains of sand
and no matter how hard we try
seems we can never plan
to have enough
to save it up,
to make it stay
time just keeps slipping, slipping
far far away...

Time's embrace has captured me
held me captive
where none can see
the bonds, the scars, the pain I feel--
but me and TIME both know
that it's all too real
and some day soon
I might escape to freedom again
away from this misfortune and doom
of an empty and dreadfully ink-less pen.#

tiny dancers
came swirling by
in the form of leaves
falling from the sky
and as I watched them
twist and turn
falling down
so light and free
I couldn't help but feel
they were performing
just for me.

tiny dancers
garbed in autumn's array
of gold and oranges and reds
on this windy day--
and all I could think
as they kept coming down
was that I wanted to join in
to dance around
and feel as beautiful,
light and free
as all these tiny dancers
surrounding me...

Walked along a dusty dirt road
hoping to find a place
where I could just unload
this heavy burden of grief
that weighs down on me
and before long
I found myself
perched under a huge shade tree--
the wind blew strong
tossing the branches and leaves about
and I kept hoping somehow
this tree so huge and stout
would look inside of me
and somehow help
to just set me free.

Trees know far more
than we humans do, you know--
so often trees stand tall and proud
and continue to leaf out and grow
while we humans stupidly
continue to destroy and wreck the land
and all the while the trees
just keep standing so proud and grand
--so is it any wonder that I dare
to hope this huge tree will help
that it will somehow care
about all the burdens I carry now?
I suppose it's too much to ask
of this sacred gift of nature right now...

Of all the voices in my head,
yours is the only one
I keep hidden
under my bed...
and if you're wondering why
listen sometime to how you sound--
it's as if butterflies are speaking
as they fly
your voice soft as the flutter of their wings
as they go peacefully by
and whenever I get scared at night
I just think of you
and imagine that your voice
will surely get me through
til morning brings me back the light...

It's the waiting
the not knowing
the uncertainty
and fear...

but it's the moments
when the waiting is over
that keep me coming back
year after year...