she broke her own heart
falling for those
God picked up the pieces
as the only one
put her back
Like death's announcement
your departure was a straight line.
After the promises of spikes,
the descents were clenched fists
and blood rushing to ease cheeks
that continue to sting me
years after you raised hands to
heaven and slammed them
on skin, God's creation-
my love's blasphemy.
A final choke of air;
riddled with wet regret
which was ever only always
yours. I summoned
with firm finality the seas we both
loved. My grief came
in waves, and your departure
was death's straight line.
Harmony, then stillness
in our resigned understanding.
There would be no more
promises or fists.
Just silence and the aftermath.
He desired more than my body – he wanted my heart
We are both bared to each other completely with nothing but skin
Our bodies entwined to one another, nothing but love in our hearts
He loved me, made love to me , and thanked what Higher Power could be named that I was still by his side, as he softly whispered, "Please be mine."
If I could only explain, my feelings out loud without the fear of hurting you
I don’t love you
Yet my love has changed because of you
But I look into tomorrow; I don't see you by my side
It's hard to explain or maybe it's just you
I don’t think I can honestly stay committed to you
I meant seriously we are a "couple" or perhaps I feel empty and search for more
I love another
But I still can't explain my inner turmoil without breaking your heart
I know I care but not like before
I think this may well be a finale
All this time I've been thinking
I realized you're not for me
My uncounted tears
They aren't for you
I find myself thinking about him
Even during the few encounters we have
He appreciates my inner demons
Something you have never seen!
My uncounted tears
They come from my heart
My heart reaching out to another
Went searching for my soul; don’t know where I lost it
No map to trail its path, no breadcrumbs behind it
My soul has lost its way, I resigned in defeat…
Went searching for its traces in old strangers’ sheets
Little did I know that pillow talk is fiction
And strangers in the dark cannot give direction
I just don’t belong here,
I don’t understand myself at all.
I don’t want to be here
But I don’t want to leave you till its time…
So if I manage to stay here tonight
Will you please just tell me that it will be alright?
Because I don’t want to be here,
I’m about ready to give up this fight.
I stare at the pictures of us tonight
As these tears stream down my face,
It’s getting harder to breath
And this pain in my chest is taking it out of me.
I see the face of you and someone I don’t like
She’s staring back at me, with a smile I cannot find;
But tonight, I can’t bear to pick up the phone
I can’t even tell you…I’m not alright, I want to go.
I'm terrified you will finally turn away from me,
The long silences increase my anxieties…
I don’t want to hurt you,
I don’t want to bother you again tonight
Because we’re going in circles
And I don’t want you to see the mess that I’m truly in…
So please understand if I try to push you away once again
I just know you can do so much better!
She makes me feel so strange,
Like a book with a torn out page.
She left with a pen and some ink
I missed that page, it made my heart sink.
She came back,
And looked at me with weary eyes,
Only now do I realIze,
She had been writing my story,
You said we'd be ill together.
And that we'd eventually get well together.
So where the hell are you now?
Having a beer with a few friends? Laying in someone else's arms?
I have holes in my walls from where you hit them.
And I have a lump in my throat from the words that came with them.
And though you never laid a hand on me, I wish you did. Because I know from experience that it hurts far less that this.
You sat beside me while I wrote down all the evil things that boy did to me.
And you even wrote the last few down, because they were the ones I couldn't bear to see.
You came along with confidence and open arms like you could be my cure.
But you gave me months of false hope and a sickening lie of a better world.
You knew how vulnerable I am and with sorry eyes and a wholesome smile you scooped me into your arms and molded me into someone who you loved before. I was even so naive that I bought a similar pair of glasses so I could look like her a little more.
How dare you decide that you were the one to give me a sweet taste of heaven when I was finally adjusted to wallowing in hell on my bathroom floor. And how dare I give you the authority to make me feel no longer poor. No longer hopeless, no longer lifeless, no longer nothing but a wondering corpse. You made me feel like a human worthy of love. And you left making me feel just like I did before.
Drugs and alcohol, sarcasm and online popularity is all you crave. And when you have 10 minutes to address your own issues you realise how lonely you are again. And I jumped with open arms to be the one to fill your void. I should have realized it wasn't love. It was just hollow, open and sore.
Do you miss me like I miss you?
I still miss you everyday.
And though I'm trying to get past all of this I'm still waiting for you to come back for more.
Maybe I'm just delusional and it's because I'm just Ill.
But couldn't you have just had the heart and think that in the end of course I'd feel like this.
You decided to feed more trauma into a vessel that was filled to the brim with open wounds. And you use "I'm so sorry it had to end like this" as plasters to your moods, to your mistakes, to your selfishness, to the fact you couldn't take the stress of me anymore.
I wish I never let you in.
I wish I never let you love me.
I wish I never let you touch me.
I wish I never let you know the real me.
But no one knows me better than you.
And now no one ever will, I'm not prepared to let someone in. I'm not willing to let another pair of soft lips against my skin.
I don't want any other hands to cradle me because yours seemed so comforting to me.
You were everything I ever wanted and those 7 months still seem like a dream to me.
I now wake to the gruesome realization that I'm now just a wondering corpse once more. But when I close my eyes I still think of when I was an appreciated person just like you made me feel before.
Another dinner for one at a table set for two
Another night with the ever depressing memory of you
Wondering like i always do if you're with someone new
While also hoping that you're thinking of me too
Believe me I'd rather write a love poem tonight
Not ponder whether we could have ever been right
I'm really trying not to be sad over dinner with your handsome ghost
Cause I'm really trying not to cry as I play the perfect host
In your eyes I see all my imperfections
Reminding me of all of your unmet expectations
So many things make it hard to forget
How can I when all thats left is regret?
But I guess if something as wrong as us could feel that good
Then there's something right and something real that will be
I know you hate it but I can't help it.
I am willing to get hurt now because it will be better than that hell which comes later on.
You have seen it. You know it.
So please, stay strong.
Please, keep more than just beating.