where does hierarchy begin?
Is it where the strong is on top,
and the weak step upon?
Where does your dignity be placed?
Is it where your always be the winner,
no matter what, even it has bitter taste.
Is SURVIVAL really that cruel?
That some of us are just a tool,
a fool for the strong to be cool.
No, it can't be that bad
yet reality is quite sad.
Despite our hard beginnings
Life still is beautiful
that losing isn't everything.
To where dignity is placed -
when you respect yourself the most.
That hierarchy isn't important
to where your love is...
I remember the day you met the love of your life
She sat in a bonsai garden, g r o w i ng your
imagination with vivid stories and melodious notes
An exotic oriental sensation elegantly wining
against me, a disordered mass of molecules
that had been creating countless scenarios for years!
Oh, so unambiguously!
I tried to find you in books and under cups of coffee;
I tried to find you outside my window and walls bare and empty.
I tried to find you in the depths of stories about defiant lovers and loveless monks;
I tried to find you in the cacophony of honks.
I tried to look for you as Spring rolled by;
And returned empty-handed at the end of July.
I tried searching for you on the loneliest shores lapped up by the sea;
And under the bower of placid trees.
To put it mildly,
I looked for you in every nook and cranny.
But while I was on a manhunt for you;
You swept past me like the loo.
The worst thing about losing you
Is that it wasn't cinematic
The last time I lost somebody
I was in a blind panic.
The worst thing about losing you
Is that I could see it coming
It was there just down the line
But I still did nothing.
You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy
You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff
You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at
please dont ask me if i miss it when you know that i do,
please dont ask me how it felt to sit in the passenger seat of your car every day for four months straight.
because i will tell you.
how it felt like yellow lights in a dimly lit café on monday nights,
like dirty snow underneath your tires,
like a resurrection of fresh air after feeling trapped since september.
every now and then i come back to this.
now that it's february and i cant remember what your house smelt like.
i often wonder what your parents think happened to me. and your sister.
i've started to wonder if i would have gone to her wedding with you.
i hope she's happy, and i hope you are too.
don't get me wrong, i needed you to leave i know i did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you did much for me although i know you did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you were ever part of me although i know you were.
now that it's the end of february the weather has started to become lighter and i keep finding myself rolling the window down, making the music louder and wanting to sing, wanting to smile, wanting to feel what it's like to be euphoric again and i just, can't.
not right now.
i don't know if a year later can be considered "too soon" but i do know
that i hate you, and the way you made the snow feel like you so now i dont even feel at home when i look out my bedroom window.
i hate you, and the way you made the car feel like our safe space so now i don't feel safe when i'm driving with my mother.
i hate you, and the way you made me think that you would stay,
the way you made me feel like you were going to be a part of my family
the way you threw me away as if it was easy for you.
i hate you for everything that reminds me of you like guitars and troye sivan and sleepovers and driving down the fucking highway and being someone that cares about you so much i'd miss saying goodbye to my dad to spend another night with you.
ask me if i miss it
when you think you know that i do.
because i don't miss any of it.
It keeps me up at night,
The deafening silence,
Won't let me turn off the light,
And I see them on a screen,
For a while at least,
People who I call my friends,
Though they don't really know me,
And I feel I can't sleep,
Cuz no ones here to catch me when I fall.
My decisions are ready to slit my throat
Just yesterday I was feeling skyscraper high
Who knew I'd come crashing down like a faulty plane
In this dark place, Where I'm faceless
In this endless, nightmare
Feeling more like a demon than an angel
Heavens door has closed on me
And with his devilish smile
The devil welcomes me with open arms
Also on cobnetwork http://demo.prologiq.co.za/cob-network/2017/01/22/the-pit-of-despair/