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bebita Oct 2018
She wanted to be loved
But people just cheated their way
Through her heart
She couldn’t keep waiting
For someone to save her
She wants to release her opinion
But she just learned to not speak at all
Her dad said to her
“When you were 5, I had no fears. Now ten years later I fear everything.”
But she was already in tears
The tears meant nothing
Thoughts reside in her mind
On where she was going to be soon
And what was going to happen to her if she keep going down the path
Of what she thought would help her
But just made her life worse.
She resented what she had become
She knew she could do better
But her motivation had disappeared into nothing
I'm unassured with the words I think,
slipping, skipping days, I sink.
I lost my mind in my head's black,
and died in the depth trying to get it back.
Maybe I'm a resented presence;
pressed upon malnourished intentions.
I can't find the point anymore;
I can't brim the dark anymore,
and if I submerge below my purpose,
what am I even fighting for?
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All feedback is welcome and appreciated
Umi Mar 2018
Of ones heart with shadows lurking to take over spite is made precious to be felt exciting while it is in fact trecious, but a sleeping terror awakens at times as well, thus a rampage is made amongst it,
A thrill wandering down your spine when you wrong someone and see them tremble through your actions a cold shiver followed by spite
Choosing a carefree life, yet unable to hide the fact that no spark would be able to illuminate whats in your dark, where angels fear to tread, only to explore this loitering abyss within you for some time,
All this blood lust must bring you to insanity, make you a lunatic,
But let it happen, in this emotionless shell it's what feels majestic,
The storm raging inside, waiting to feed on this caused chaos,
Evil and vile, heartless not carrying a smile while mercilessly continuing this riot of a resented soul waiting, longing for destruction
Feeling alike to be burning up, priceless about this act of cruelty until the wanted realisation drives its way into your soul and you question yourself what you have done, or why you have done it for anyway,
But the time will come again for sure, so be ready for it to arrive
When the sleeping terror awakens for another dance

~ Umi
Umi Dec 2018
Under the drifting clouds, even though the ages may fade,
With this unchanging life I can keep shining for you,
Who am I shining for, what may be my real purpose ?
Leaving these questions unanswered, the river of time drags me into its consuming pull, slowly swallowing me as a whole,
My conpanions were dreamers who were seeking the same future,
But time did tell, they fell one by one, only their will remains,
And so the figure of hatred, whom had failed such a noble task and cause, creeps around the night, resented by life itself
Sound melts into silence as the world around me already has lost its lovely colour, as the beautiful flowers wither, no stars glitter,
These selected words were taken from a paradise I'd lost sight of,
I've been given the great freedom, to sink now ever so brilliantly,
When everything ends, I ask you to hear out my request,
Please, forget me.

Yours Truly; Umi
Umi Mar 2018
Standing on the edge to a sea of pure lunacy this lily blooms,
Her scars, she wishes them not to fade but to shed more blood,
Corrupted by the world around her, which took what she held dear, The only wish to seek revenge she blooms while sympathising with fury and hatred thicker than the spreading of the darkness of night,
A murderous intent, likely energetic enough to break through the ground to get what her desires tell her she needs so dearly,
Getting rid of everything, the love within her hurting chest, so she'd eventually awaken as this distorted image of what was once pure,
Her enemies shall try to escape while observing their dying moments,
Laughing at them whilst watching how they are ruined in seconds,
Throbbing in the dark, the figure of hatred wriggles in moonlight,
Lonely the soul resented by life, keeps up her riot for once more,
In bloodlust and vengence for her own reflection cast on the water,
Deep within her, a crying, broken, yet flickering light calls for help,
If forgiveness could be served, her wounds would heal and she would be able to be herself again, free without any grief or sorrow,
Maybe then, she will even be able to feel love again.


~ Umi
Umi Jul 2018
To my mortal enemy,
All lies and delusions you have carried so far are all but for nothing,
Deceiving you took from me what was a part of my fading heart once.
You are the only one I will never forgive, not until the night has been swallowed by the abyss and the sun is no longer rising in this hell.
What was the purpose of your selfish doing ? Was it greed or lust ?
Purified from all emotions but fury, I will let this fire rampage forever
The soul resented by life, creeps around in the somber fields,
Can you see it ? Of course your ignorant eyes haven't grasped the single truth yet, you cannot see anything, so keep wandering blindly,
Aimless and with displeasure we shall meet in the distorted dark,
I got even rid of the love in my chest, so that I may awaken as who I am now..if by chance I were to forgive you, could I be myself again ?
No! I don't want you to rest in your deepest sleep, I will show you the same nightmares until your dried tears turn into elusive blood.
George your amusement and be ruined, someday you will repay,
So be as it may, my courtesy must remain, I offer you my darkest passion, until you reveal that sweet soul of yours that dies.
Hey, are you watching ?

Yours truly,
Pure Furies

~ Umi
Val Ajdari Nov 2016
Arrow upon arrow the poisoned heart endured,
Strife and doom its woeful dream ensured.
Vile phantoms of creed with deception en route
Intended to thwart, unveil their wicked fruit.
Then satan withered the spirit's purpose and flame,
And gathered an earthly militia; among those to blame.
A maze encrypted, the light yet unseen,
All prospects stolen, great efforts wiped clean.
Creative the mind twilight art it presented,
The Sphere's evil hosts were reflected and resented.
Lost was all hearing, faith and sight,
Misplaced sense of wonder and good sense in flight.
"I worship nothing!" our soul once preferred,
Such was the spirit in high degrees deterred.

       "Paragons of justice, will I ever get to see
The day my misfortunes cease to be?
They shadow, entrap and starve my soul
Of love and joy and all control!
So tired I am, and tired I shall stay
If purpose here is merely to convey
No purpose at all, except for one:
To enslave the soul, casting punishment for fun.
My simple wish, then, is simply to impart
An end to this misery and to my sanctioned heart."

       Our despairing soul put in motion so
An idea most frightening, its telling shall forego...
But immerse in their demise, allow for stricken grief,
Then foresee the King's hands and His graciousness in fleet.
He gathered around, with love He replaced
Satan's troubled minions conspiring in space,
And severed The Pit's shackles with incomparable might,
He then enlightened our soul, who could not see the light.
All calls to heal had reached The King's mystical vibrations,
Had released the soul and nullified its  limitations.
Profound divine knowledge our soul now espies;
Seeing The King's glory and the destroyer's lies.
Great wisdom and revelation now fill our faithful heart,
Yet, a tale best left for another form of art...
Aislinn Miell Jul 2018
It’s been years.
I thought time would wash
over the muddled traces
But it has only left a resentment to the words.
The sense of longing
never quite leaves my chest.
So I pickup the painful memories scattered
here and there.

even though the features I knew so well are fading,
I can’t help but search for your figure.
Your eyes.
At the bus stop, on the street, in the corners of bookstores,
even though I know I won’t see you.

It’s fine though, because when the moon shines through my bedroom window,
you haunt every part of me.
And the words I resented are so clear.

If only I had spoken these three words.. would things have been the same?
ryn Aug 2014
Tell me why it seems like the walls are closing in
Tell me why my hopes they're stretched far and thin
Tell me why my dreams still struggle in this fight
Tell me why every time I draw air but it feels so tight.

Tell me why in this turmoil my heart does wallow
Tell me why lifes' lessons by the heapfuls I choke to swallow
Tell me why I'm somewhat free but then again I am not
Tell me why I really do have but I haven't really got.

Tell me why I try to sleep many a restless night
Tell me why I am so afraid of many a fearful fright
Tell me why I still feel the way I have felt before
Tell me why I ask many questions which leaves me broken and sore.

Tell me why so much emotions run amok within me
Tell me why I look yet I do not really see
Tell me why despondence is back; it's here to haunt
Tell me why such uncertainties always beckons to taunt.

Tell me why I want more but I am quite contented
Tell me why I have to accept the path I've very much resented
Tell me why I already know but I still keep on asking
Tell me why it seems like the reasons are in every way lacking.

Tell me why I feel so happy but in fact I am so sad
Tell me why it all seems unfair but I have to be glad
Tell me why I found love in the most unfortunate circumstance
Tell me why to a mournful tune I am stuck in dance.

Tell me why my heart feels engorged but I can't release it all
Tell me why I am so scared but I would still want to fall
Tell me why I feel you close when you're farther than far
Tell me why it seems incredulous that we share the same star.

Tell me why I long to give you more when I can't this instant
Tell me why I can feel better but I seem so resistant
Tell me why sometimes I look up and curse at my luck
Tell me why I refuse to focus on courage that I really should pluck.

Tell me why I lay in bed dreaming of a place far away
Tell me why I find myself moping more and more each day
Tell me why I chose to be naive and in fate I do give trust
Tell me why time and time again it just gets ground to dust.

Tell me why I feel so beaten and weak when I should be strong
Tell me why I am so familiar in a place I don't belong
Tell me why I have to live with a mask on my face
Tell me why I feel like a marionette strung up by lace.

Tell me why I dug deep when these words make me cry
Tell me why the tears still trickle when my eyes are dry
Tell me why I share this when I know you would feel bad
Tell me why I would even spout the words that make you sad.

Tell me why these painful wounds I didn't choose to lick
Tell me why I didn't let them heal but instead I would pick
Tell me why I feel as though I am quite addicted
Tell me why it seems like I enjoy the dark I've inflicted.

Tell me why sometimes I question, the things you see in me
Tell me why you've said it many times but I don't really see
Tell me why I haven't drifted far when I should've a while ago
The reason is you; because you have chosen to love me.
ThatBrokenOne Dec 2018
It has been almost a month
A month since my heart has been broken
Broken in a million pieces
Pieces of me still love you
You where the only one that I could talk to
To you I said everything I want to talk about
About that day I had, but not that one
One day of my life has never been so bad
So bad that it broke me in two
Two people made one, you and I
I will never forget you
You where *are the love of my life
Life we were shearing together
Together we were happy
Happy like that, I'll never be again
Again I hate my life
Life that I resented so much
So much that I wanted to commit suicide
Suicide, was the only thing I could think of, until I met you
You were the one that saved me from death
Death is what I think about again
Again, I am in that ****** place in my head
Head first, I went into that relation
Relations are supposed to last
Last month you broke my heart
My heart will never be the same again
Again I want to die
lost Jun 2018
Dear Mom,
As I write this letter to you, I hope you realize how much you have hurt me. And that all you are doing is making things worse. I can't seem to say these words you face to face nor will you let me.
I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect 5 year old again. I'm 17 I make mistakes. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time, but I will never admit to your face. But that shouldn't be your reason for your actions.
I don't want anything to do with you anymore. You have made life more of a hell these past few years then you probably ever will. But the drama needed to stop. But you didn't seem to realize this. I hope this isn't breaking your heart but you already broke mine. As I sit here I'm not crying, and I hope you aren't either. But honestly, everything I'm saying I have tried to tell you before. But you don't listen. I hope this letter would suffice for you, because you aren't getting anything more from me. I am done with you. I am done with everything you so call "have to offer". I tried having a relationship with you, you see how well that worked. You haven't seemed to show me you deserve another chance. I have always resented you for moving away from me. Always have and probably always will. But that isn't the only reason. As a mother your duties are to take care of me. I am your child. I come first before anyone and everyone, including yourself. This might be harsh but its the real world. Time for both of us to live in reality.  This is something you struggled with, this and making my life a living hell. But that isn't just it, you seemed to use me as a pawn or a spy for my dad, which i never seemed to understand why.  You just ditching me to go hangout with your friends isn't okay either. You will always be my Birth Giver, but you really didn't deserve the title Mom. I can't keep going down this road that I have been going down. It really has been enough. I'm done shedding tears for you, done stressing, and done sacrificing my life. Maybe in the future when I don't need to be dependent on you. But right now I don't need you in my life. You are basically destroying everything I have tried to build and re-build in the past four years. Many of my friend relationships have been destroyed because I took all my emotions to them at the age of 12. What normal kids has these emotions? I bottled them up and expressed them at the worst times possible. That is what happens when your the kid of ill mother who strains every part of you. I'm sorry if this isn't something you wanted to hear. But this is what I need say. I wish you the best in life and all your health issues. I will always love you, but right now this is the best thing I can offer.
this is something that has been hard for me to stay. i put it on here because my mom will never see this. I hope one day I can send her this but I don't know.
Lynda Ross Oct 2018
Longing for things
formerly resented,
"love & summer citrus"
the smell of my shampoo,
lounging, Florida springs,
acceptance unprecedented,
sipping on clementines
drifting nearer you;
having faith brings
to light a soul tormented,
smothered in corrosive acid
and in heat forged anew.
Harri Dec 2018
I am not one of those
To wax lyrical,
And proclaim loudly that
“I HAVE NEVER LOVED BEFORE!”
I have,
Of course.
I thought that I knew
The crushing ache
Of love,
Seeping through my bones.
Oh, but I was wrong.
He is not the first
To creep under my skin
And make my chest a home.

But he is the first
I have not resented for it.

He is the first
To make me feel awake.
To play music on my ribs
That vibrates long after he's gone,
Setting me quivering,
Gasping,
Overwhelmed and unsure.

But full of colour;
I was grey for so long.

Half asleep and mostly numb,
Adrift on a lonely sea,
He dashed my boat
Upon a rock,
And forced me out to swim.
To make my own way into life,
Instead of passively waiting
For it to begin.

He waited on the shore for me,
Dazzling in the sun,
A vibrant ray of feeling,
A shard of light that pierced my skin.
And I realised that love
Is just your heart breaking,
Sweetly,
Over and over again.
Stitched into a patchwork,
Of everything you are,
Woven through
With threads of them,

So it's not just yours anymore.
I swear my heart breaks everytime that I look at him, then he kisses it better again.
Diction Oct 2018
I've lost all the love in my life an now theres only me and this knife\
With only their misery im left\
Buried deep in my chest while around me is nothing but a mess\
******* up and torn into tiny little shreads I'm hanging on only by the lies running through my head\
Promising truth in the happiness we pretend isn't dead\
So we're dreaming of better days in these memories of a yesterday\
When the pain was still just a hollow stain resting on this bleeding vain\
Watching the smiles that once came despite what's trapped deep in my brain\
Ready to rip it self apart from this love that's kept it detained\
Why my love I'm missing as each day a price is paid\
It's what distracts me from my rain always feeling wet with a look of disdain\
As it's come to be the only thing Im able to taste when looking for hope behind the now blank face\
Waiting for something to fill in it's empty space since losing this love has me feeling out of place\
Disconnected an resented\
We're not meant to meet forever to be kept separate\
So I'm the person that's never to become accepted\
The reason I'm always upset an feeling unrested\
In order for others to be protected I agreed to the lost of my love and departed\
Lovesick I'm now painted\
I promise that you have the voice of a flute, and always will

you made me come with you to paint (and I resented it)

you have a nimble face and a skinny body

you wash your hair every day and you smell good

I wish I could have stayed forever

(I told a lie)

I wish that we could speak again, on the phone

you missed a call, I missed a call

I love'd you, and you were "present" for me

and the TV clicked episodes of dressed nineties flooding adults trapped in codependency together (and we laughed as elderly saints at a rare ****)

I wish I wasn't drunk (I was so drunk)

love, miss me away
Bill MacEachern Nov 2018
I really didn’t know my mother
I knew her moods
But, I didn’t know her
And I really don’t think she knew her children
She knew our names...mostly
But, she didn’t know us
I know my mother loved singing
I heard my mother sing
"How much is that doggie in the window”
And
One of my favorites
"Charming Billy"
I know she liked to cook
I know she read The Godfather and Valley Of The Dolls
I know she liked having a party
I know family holidays STRESSED her out
I know she had many friends
I know she drank a lot
I know she went out a lot
I know she drank and went out a lot with her many friends
I know she had many blackouts
I know she could go from very pleasant to wicked mean, instantly, especially when drinking
I know that she hated my father
I think she hated my father for not doing what needed to be done to make it all work out
I think maybe she resented her sons for being his sons
I know my mother was brutalized by her father
I know my mothers father followed my mother wherever she went as a teen because he didn’t trust her
I know my mothers father called her terrible names that a father should not call a daughter
I know that my mother married an alcoholic who gambled too much and beat her for his own sins
I wish I knew other things instead of these things about my mother
But...
I know my mother would have liked me to remember other things too...
Lauren Christine Aug 2018
Mmmm connection
warmth flows through sound waves and tunnels in my ears.
the lightweight presence of fondness settles between my ribs
distance for once is relieved that it did not separate but rather brought together

Mmmm perfection
kind sensations of affection my heart hears
a dedicated time spent deliberately
distance for once not resented but honored as a tether
She was not like most people, she got caught somewhere in between reality while swallowing substances as a form of psychiatry.
She had found herself always stumbling accross her own art you see, even amongst her own world she was lost and misplaced her galaxy's key.
She was never exactly listening while breathing in your level of dimension you see, her thoughts wandered much too far off the edge of her galaxy's sea.
This place she ended up was consumed by madness, darkness, and imagination. She was always shaking on the floor fighting the feelings of prostration.
This woman lived inside of her head you know, all these things she could not explain somehow made her grow.
She fought against her own world, how was she supposed to stay sane when the reality around her was swirled?
She tried her best by hiding behind the moon and sprinkling her world with fairy dust, still she found herself screaming at the stars to please shake off the feeling of lust.
She was cursed with a heart that never ceased to love, voices whispered in the skies of her own galaxy and laughed at her from above.
She refused to waste her time believing in actuality, for she was too busy seducing starlight with her sensual sexuality.
Her unpredictable personality was either devilish or angelic, she was lost while chasing dragons in this world of hers oh so psychedelic.
You would never dare to walk deeper into her thoughts of fantasy and lucid dreaming, your naive infinity could have never established any meaning.
You were unimpressed by her actions and resented her always reckless, around the witch's neck laid her luck inside a necklace.
She remained in her own nonsense believing mysteries indeed mystical, in the end these mysteries meaning nothing less than egotistical.
You never saw beyond the facts of your own perspective, little did you know
from her's she was fighting villians just to keep her nature protected.
Just GS Jun 8
Dearest friend (I've yet to meet),

Who was I kidding?
As if I somehow missed the message --
Childish, my reply sent said:

'shoot! I'm sorry - I must have forgot to hit send'

- I'm the loser who let you wonder for a minute if I meant it (but don't give another thought) a moment longer you'll realize.. I'm lying, I'm a liar (spoiler alert)

I hate to break it to you, today, I really couldn't care less  - yesterday you were all I had left, tomorrow maybe fate will finally bless me, find me dead as I felt inside since I can remember and I'll be at peace with knowing I left you alone.... 
I know, I know.....
We talked for hours, I told you who i really was.. that was just a test - when u got back to me I honestly  almost instantly lost all interest. (Caught a catch 22)
Listen closely (or rather, read carefully) you know I said I love you and that is still the truth (for what its worth, you're welcome) but what you may not know is that i resented you for the fact that you said you love me back (believe me it hurts to say the truth) so my reaction may seem a bit unexpected, know I know I left you with less than you deserve - but this was the only gift I could afford.


I'm unavailable & miserable with the mess I've made for me (trauma tethered me to someone I will never take the leap to try to be me with)

Ask around you'll find my reputation is deplorable - I only ever take (and take and take) 
-- kind of like taxes, most people HATE taxes (no matter how necessary they may be)

I was never meant to be so painfully average - i was born of greatness (trust me, my folks were basicly the best) nurtured my mediocrity on purpose to avoid the pressures of the "life" i should have (could have) led - you say it's not too late - 
Satan's screaming 'she's a liar, you're a waste, take her, keep her here with us'
I look to Christ for sage advice -
'You best just keep your distance, shes a lover but she knows not what she says - she speaks from a place you've never really been welcome - and if she knew everything you took from her, remember, she's only human, and..well.. I think you understand..'
He was right, I know - (Lucifer's a ****, despite the fact he's generally always atleast half right)
You're too beautiful - my reflection is hideous..
I resist all kinship, we could have shared because love hurts so much (or so I've witnessed) 
when goodbyes 
(Even those one might call over due) 
Sneak up and bite us, we are the ****** and cursed the worst and best of us survivors - alike (this is a fact, even if they never ever find common ground sturdy enough to build on, it's there - everyone feels pain from loss -- and the amount of pain between mortals is suprisingly more irrelevant than it is relative)
and we will feel loss, all of us (even the unloved and especially the forgotten)
Someone is always left behind,
I would do anything to outlive all my loved ones (and so I sought immortality) - because I know how it feels to lose them (the gifted, the gone-to-soons) and know this, loneliness scares me a hell of a lot less than transfering pain (undoing all the happiness I meant to spread from my plastic bag filled with good intentions) to some poor soul whose silly enough to feel for me even half of what I felt for them.

I regret this profession I was given - every day it gets harder to convince myself that I'm a good guy, just trying to do my job. Someone has to do it and from what I can tell: 
gods plan is just a rough draft, edited frequently and it's up to no one to really understand it, and yet, everything revolves around it. 
.. and I mean everything. 
Including me,
The Reaper (although, I dislike the title because it insinuates I am absolutely the only one like me.
I often fantasize that I am one of many others, 
maybe they're on other planets or different planes who knows..but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I've yet to meet another like me.)

I guess we all have a purpose - is what I'm trying to say.
Anyway, I should run.. I have a million and some odd funerals to attend this week alone. 


Signed sincerely -
Your friend,
Death

P.s. I will wait for you, there's really no rush for us to meet ♡
If you've made it this far, congratulations! You're 100% alive.
I used to love the world
And the world used to love me

Now I'm just sitting here writing poetry
Feeling misunderstood by far too many
As in this ******* named social anxiety

I used to listen to the world
And the world used to listen to me

Now I'm just sitting here feeling angry
Feeling like another helping hand for anything
To just get paid with an empty apology

I used to accept me
And I used to accept the world

Now I'm just sitting here in front of my T.V.
Feeling dormant from static energy
Your assurance will never be comforting

Oh, really?

I used to be aware that the world cared
And the world used to be aware of me

Now I'm just sitting here in front of my screen
Feeling prepared to face everything
Request a quarrel with social anxiety

I used to feel unloved
And I've realized that I'm enough
The world never resented me because
I listened to the voices of social anxiety

Now I'm just sitting here writing poetry
Feeling understood by many
As in my family and camaraderie

I used to feel ignored
And I've realized that I ignored myself
I've learned how to
Decline the voices of negativity



Melody
12/1/19
As to your request, I decline.
Victor D López Dec 2018
Your husband died at 40, leaving you to raise seven children alone.
But not before your eldest, hardest working son, Juan, had
Drowned at sea in his late teens while working as a fisherman to help
You and your husband put food on the table.

You lost a daughter, too,
Toñita, also in her early teens, to illness.
Their kind, pure souls found
Their way back home much too soon.

Later in life you would lose two more sons to tragedy, Paco (Francisco),
An honest, hard working man whose purposeful penchant for shocking
Language belied a most gentle nature and a generous heart. He was electrocuted by
A faulty portable light while working around his pool.

And the apple of your eye, Sito (José), your last born and most loving son, who
Had inherited his father’s exceptional looks, social conscience, left of center
Politics, imposing presence, silver tongue, and bad, bad luck, died, falling
Under the wheels of a moving train, perhaps accidentally.

In a time of hopelessness and poverty, you would not be broken.
You rose every day hours before the dawn to sell fish at a stand.
And every afternoon you placed a huge wicker basket on your head and
Walked many, many miles to sell even more fish in other towns.

Money was tight, so you often took bartered goods in
Exchange for your fish, giving some to those most in need,
Who could trade nothing in return but their
Blessings and their gratitude.

You walked back home, late at night, through darkness or
Moonlit roads, carrying vegetables, eggs, and perhaps a
Rabbit or chicken in a large wicker basket on your strong head,
Walking straight, on varicose-veined legs, driven on by a sense of purpose.

During the worst famine during and after the Civil War, the chimney of your
Rented home overlooking the Port of Fontan, spewed forth black smoke every day.
Your hearth fire burned to to feed not just your children, but also your less
Fortunate neighbors, nourishing their bodies and their need for hope.

You were criticized by some when the worst had passed, after the war.
“Why work so hard, Remedios, and allow your young children to go to work
At too young an age? You sacrifice them and yourself for stupid pride when
Franco and foreign food aid provide free meals for the needy.”

“My children will never live off charity as long as my back is strong” was your Reply.
You resented your husband for putting politics above family and
Dragging you and your two daughters, from your safe, comfortable home at
Number 10 Perry Street near the Village to a Galicia without hope.

He chose to tilt at windmills, to the eternal glory of other foolish men,
And left you to fight the real, inglorious daily battle for survival alone.
Struggling with a bad heart, he worked diligently to promote a better, more just
Future while largely ignoring the practical reality of your painful present.

He filled you with children and built himself the cross upon which he was
Crucified, one word at a time, leaving you to pick up the pieces of his shattered
Idealism. But you survived, and thrived, without sacrificing your own strong
Principles or allowing your children to know hardships other than those of honest work.

And you never lost your sense of humor. You never took anything or
Anyone too seriously. When faced with the absurdity of life,
You chose to smile or laugh out loud. I saw you shed many tears of laughter,
But not once tears of pain, sorrow or regret. You would never be a victim.

You loved people. Yours was an irreverent sense of humor, full of gentle irony,
And wisdom. You loved to laugh at yourself and at others, especially pompous fools
Who often missed your great amusement at their expense, failing to understand your Dismissal, delivered always with a smile, a gentle voice and sparkling eyes.

Your cataracts and near sightedness made it difficult for you to read,
But you read voraciously nonetheless, and loved to write long letters to loved ones and friends. You were a wise old woman, the wisest and strongest I will ever know,
But one with the heart of a child and the soul of an angel.

You were the most sane, most rational, most well adjusted human being
I have ever known. You were mischievous, but incapable of malice.
You were adventurous, never afraid to try or to learn anything new.
You were fun-loving, interesting, kind, rambunctious, funny and smart as hell.

You would have been an early adopter of all modern technology, had you lived long
Enough, and would have loved playing—and working—with all of my electronic
Toys. You would have been a terror with a word processor, email, and social media
And would have loved my video games—and beaten me at every one of them.

We were great friends and playmates throughout most of my life.  You followed
Us here soon after we immigrated in 1967, leaving behind 20 other Grandchildren.
I never understood the full measure of that sacrifice, or the love that made it
Bearable for you. I do now. Too late. It is one of the greatest regrets of my life.

We played board games, cowboys and Indians, raced electric cars, flipped
Baseball cards and played thousands of hands of cards together. It never
Occurred to me that you were the least bit unusual in any way. I loved you
Dearly but never went far out of my way to show it. That too, I learned too late.

After moving to Buenos Aires, when mom had earned enough money to take
You and her younger brothers there, the quota system then in place made it
Impossible to send for your two youngest children, whose care you entrusted
Temporarily to your eldest married daughter, Maria.  

You wanted them with you. Knowing no better, you went to see Evita Peron for help.
Unsurprisingly, you could not get through her gatekeepers.  But you were
Nothing if not persistent. You knew she left early every morning for her office.
And you parked yourself there at 6:00 a.m., for many, many days by her driveway.  

Eventually, she had her driver stop and motioned for you to approach.
“Grandmother, why do you wave at me every morning when I leave for work?”
She asked. You explained about your children in Spain. She took pity and scribbled a
Pass on her card to admit you to her office the next day.

You met her there  and she assured you that a visa would be forthcoming;
When she learned that you made a living by cleaning homes and washing clothing,
She offered you a sewing machine and training to become a seamstress.
You thanked her but declined the offer.

“Give the sewing machine to another mother with no trade. My strong back and hands
Serve me well enough and I do just fine, as I have always done.”
Evita must have been impressed for she asked you to see her yet again when the
Children had arrived in Buenos Aires, giving you another pass. You said you would.

You kept your word, as always. And Evita granted you another brief audience,
Met your two youngest sons (José and Emilio) and shared hot chocolate and
Biscuits with the three of you. You disliked and always criticized Peron and the Peronistas,
But you never forgot Evita’s kindness and defended her all your life.

You were gone too quickly. I had not said “I love” you in years. I was too busy,
With school and other equally meaningless things to keep in touch. You
Passed away without my being there. Mom had to travel by herself to your
Bedside for an extended stay. The last time I wrote you I had sent you a picture.

It was from my law school graduation.
You carried it in your coat pocket before the stroke.
As always, you loved me, with all of my faults that made me
Unworthy of your love.

I knew the moment that you died. I awoke from a deep sleep to see a huge
White bird of human size atop my desk across from my bed. It opened huge
Wings and flew towards me and passed through me as I shuddered.
I knew then that you were gone. I cried, and prayed for you.

Mom called early the next day with the news that you had passed. She also
Told me much, much later that you had been in a coma for some time but that
You awoke, turned to her without recognizing her, and told her that you were going to
Visit your grandson in New York. Then you fell asleep for one last time.

I miss you every day.

[   To hear a YouTube reading of this poem in its entirety, you can visit the following URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OX6w1Pwe7gI   ]
from Of Pain and Ecstasy: Collected Poems 2011, 2018
Advent Apr 24
Disappointed with the way it is
and how it has been
How you feast with the beasts;
taking advantage of the situation we’re in

Divided in unwanted conspiracy
Divided in different sides of the story
Coming only from a simple plea
of your self-absorption,
and blindness from own’s irrationality
have you caused a dent, a division

With less hopes of resolution from this mounting divide,
Remember: we walked with all your kinds,
in wretchedness and in exuberance,
attesting, didn’t we all have a good run?

Now hear the people of your past,
stop romanticizing what won’t last–
Foreshadowing with plastering rewards
Those previously resented, now with flying regards

―a.t.
Umi Feb 12
Within an unclouded darkness,
This is where I'd find rest, a somber, unending sky above me leads the way into the everlasting night, promising a forgotten dream,
For it is warming, even comforting; the bitter grasp of loneliness,
Laughing endlessly, throbbing in the dark, this figure of hatred now resented by life itself wriggled in the lost moonlight of the abyss,
Unfading scars, pure fury are what has driven me this far and beyond, for a hellfire is burning me up inside, yet, this hole in my chest, this numbing, all consuming pain won't let me go,
A petty figure, who has gotten rid of all emotions just so she could awaken in this emotionless void as who she is now,
One after another my companions fell to the chains of fate,
They were just hopeful dreamers who saught a future of bliss,
And so my heart in love, consumed by agony and hate, died.
If I only forgave you of all people, I could be myself again!
But until then, I will wander around this pure dark,
To seek revenge for my reflection,
The abyss is a calming exile.

~ Umi
Look at me now dad, never thought I’d get to this point in life
Where I no longer hate you & now understand the lesson you taught me in life
See the thing was, I resented you because you were never there
sent $80 a week but that only made me think you didn’t care
Mama was strong enough to deal with the pain & raise me right
but inside I was lonely & sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night
You were that missing ingredient that I needed for a healthy life
& I believed that being my father came with a price
It’s funny how I hated you for so long just to see that I was like you
making common mistakes of a man just like you
but no disrespect, everybody gotta make mistakes when they grow up
stumble a few times in life before their maturity begins to show up
I don’t know the full story, I just know I lost my dad before knowing who he was
feeling like a lost cause because I was always looking for his love
I’m still your son, you’re still my father, that’s something we can’t change
but I forgive you for not being there even if this means things won’t change
I see you have other kids that you’re raising & I’m happy that you’re being that man
that they need, glad that you’re giving them a chance
to know the man that I never knew but I’m proud of you
& I pray that God keeps watching over you.
And with that being said, I’ve grown up tremendously & I no longer hate you
☆ Poetic Venom ☆
It takes a very mature & strong person to forgive the first person who broke their heart in life but we must all learn to forgive, right? Took me a long time to get to this point in life but what can I say, I'm getting too old to keep letting things stop my happiness. Moral of the story, forgive & let go but never forget.
Umi Jan 21
Isn't making sense over so little irrational ?
Then again, with the constant change of life is there such a thing as being completely, or even partly rational to begin with ?
Perhaps not, all what is thought of it are social standards which in themselves differ from each culture in each country in a small world,
Those unlikely to advance are left in darkness all by themselves,
Rotting within the terror of their mind, shunned by interaction,
With the simple wish to be considered normal, to feel the way most of their many encounters of human beings do every single day,
As a result, they may further distance themselves and define each other as an inhuman, resented by life, losing the last light of hope,
Such is a cycle of despair, a downward spiral of lost emotions,
What does it take to enjoy just one more day, one more moment,
Before quitting it all the same, leaving without trace,
After all a demon like me has no place
In this beautiful world.

~ Umi

— The End —