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Kassiani Aug 2018
It seemed like a story
For Schrödinger
Time and distance ensured that
They were
All things and
Nothing
At once
And, in this way, they stayed in perpetual orbit
She wondered if
In another life
     In another place
          Time
               Universe
Their lives would have intersected
Instead of diverging
     Unrequited
To haunt her with all that could have been

It was the bitterest irony
When at last their paths swerved together
That both hearts had already been spoken for
Somewhere
     The Fates were surely cackling
          As the air hung heavy
               With all the possibilities
                    That died on the vine
Because time was never on their side
How could one even cry for something they’d never had?
She found herself heaving uncontrolled sobs
Shaking with unfettered grief
In mourning
     For all the things
          She had wanted to live
All the bright dreams of their teenage years
That had seemed so perfect
Shattered by the bitterness of
Growing up
And that old ******* Father Time

If she were honest with herself
She’d admit it was not him
She actually loved all these years
But all the things he might have been
—or rather—
All the things she might have been with him
What a different life she might have had if
     One day
          She had followed her
               Wild teenage love
Instead of living in this cosmic joke
She’ll never know
But she’ll heave sobs
For all the parallel lives she is not living
And the orbit she will return to
Knowing she’ll never be satisfied
     She’ll always wonder
          Always be gazing off
               Trying to glimpse a galaxy
Where things turned out better
7/30/18
Kassiani Apr 2018
It felt like the day was made for vengeful gods
The same tired face
On every windblown pedestrian with their umbrella flipped
Inside out
Belying the drudgery of existence that morning
And I felt like it was only a matter of time
Before the city drowned me

For the millionth time in my life
I had the realization that I spend my time
Peering into people’s faces
Wondering what they’re feeling
Which wouldn’t be so bad if anyone had spared me a second glance
The feeling of being both too much and never enough
Had pulled at all my loose ends
Until I finally flipped inside out in a downpour
All the tiny hinges holding me together
Snapping in defeat
As I came to terms with the fact that
No one
Was going to try to keep me out of the wind

I was made for vengeful gods
Built for crashing through storms
Because mortals left me with nothing but heartache
None of them has the eyes to see
How I pulled myself to pieces to shield them from hurricanes
I would light myself on fire
Just to take the chill out of their bones
And when I have nothing left
I’ll be the neutron star or the black hole or the spent piece of space junk
That everyone forgot to see while it could still shine
4/16/18
Kassiani May 2017
I felt it in my bones that night
The pangs to run away
The chirping birds, at 5 am
They begged me not to stay
So starry-eyed, so heavy-tongued
So trapped within my head
I’d fought and flailed and torn my sheets
Set fire to my bed
My frenzied heart is leaping flames
Too hot to keep inside
I packed my bags alone that night
As cold as if I’d died
How did I even find this place?
My discipline was stern
I lost myself in wild touch
Dumb Girl, you’ll never learn
Frenetic and delirious
Thank God, the road is long
When I am miles away from here
You’ll tell me I was wrong
You’ll tell me to spit out my words
When mouth and throat are dry
Demand I clip my claws and wings
When I was meant to fly
I feel so small here, feel like I
Can hardly fill my lungs
Lassoed by the circles danced out
By our weary tongues
I’d stood like Aphrodite once
Before you, proud and bare
But now I’m mortal once again
I fear my heart will tear
I cried myself so worthless
And I tired of the sound
Exhaustion sapping all my strength
Stuck, muted, on the ground
My feet are itching yet to trace
The highway’s wandering curve
Don’t call me back, don’t yell my name
I swear I’ll lose my nerve
I’m fraying and I’m scattered
And I’m running, sprinting blind
I don’t want to face this darkness
And I don’t care what I find
Written 5/6/17 in rental cars and airports and rides home

Feels unfinished?
Kassiani Apr 2017
The city would have certainly swallowed me
To it, I was
Nothing
An insignificant girl pacing among the skyscrapers
Clack clack clack
Just another percussive layer to the cacophony of thousands
So I rushed home
Childlike
Hid among my sheets lest I was lost in the din
I wanted to be no one and
Everyone
At once
And I could feel the fraying of all my edges
As dissonance picked me apart
Went over each bone, one by one
Pulled sinew from skin from bleeding vessel
And asked me why I had done this to myself

I had done this to myself

Each firing neuron mocked me
Reminded me that there was no solace
In big spaces
Just tiny rooms made tinier by clutter
And percussive feelings
Clack clack clack
Through my skull, round and round
An infinite loop that I can’t break
All because I let myself fall
I should have never
I should have never
I should have never
Written 4/20/17
Kassiani Apr 2017
If you’ve ever hydroplaned
You’ve felt the wild slide of wheels leaving pavement
While your heart’s in your throat as you wonder
If you’ll land calmly on the other side
Or go careening into a tree

It is this feeling that has gripped me since I fell for you
And my life has been a blur of racing heart
Uncertain how to maintain self
While tumbling chaotically through partnership
Terrifyingly exposed
Bewildered and aching
Because loving is so much

I will offer everything I am
And spin out of control
But I don’t know what comes after
Or after
Or after
Written 4/7/17
Kassiani Apr 2017
It's a strange thing to wage war
In the space between consciousness
And eyelids
Fingertips fluttering over light-switch trigger
As the endless tic-tic-ticking of the wall clock
Inches ever closer to dawn

Night time has always been the worst

As the drowsy city slows down
My heart speeds faster still
Dodging anxious shrapnel as I lie
Sleepless
Swallowed by the restless thoughts
Whose assault I can no longer resist
Written 3/30/17
Kassiani Nov 2016
Maybe it’s naïve of me
To be lying here
Humming these catchy riffs,
Ribcage splayed wide open,
The offer obvious for anyone with hands:
Take what you want,
I won’t stop you,
Heat and heart and soul and all
Are fair.
It’s 1 am,
Then 4 am.
Time streams past in ways I can’t catch
Because I was too busy studying you.

I have wondered if you’ll break me,
Unwalled and unexpected
Unfettered delirium.
But it’s no matter;
Even if I crash come daybreak,
It was all worth the rush.
Written 11/7/16
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