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lost Jan 14
I have came to the realize that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows.
I realized its a gaint hole.
As a child we are taught to shoot for the stars and reach for the sky.
As an adult all im shooting for is the surface.
I have fallen into a hole that doesn't have a entrance nor a exit.
I can't seem to find the way out.
The farther I get, the clearer things become.
The basic concepts to life start to become irrelevant.  
I've meet many souls down in the hole.
But they all must leave for i have given them the light to find the way out.
When i leave the hole i will either be a changed soul or a pile of ash.
For i can only survive in told darkness for so long.
So along the journey i hope to find my light so i can find my way out of the hole.
lost Jan 7
I don't know how to start this conversation.
But i have to say all of this at once.
I may have to take breaks because im crying.
But ive been writing this for weeks trying.
But i want you to know no matter what i will always be here as your best friend as your person.
Now what im about to say maybe kinda shocking.
But its how i feel.
The only way i know how to put it is
"i love you. "
I love that you are best friend.
I love that i can run to you any time.
I can be my true crackhead, annoying, dumb self. I love that you have this cute obsession with blankets, they have pockets as you would say.
I love the way you take a **** hit.
How i can see the muscles in your neck when you do it.
I love that you always twirl your hair when im driving in my car or when you are bored.
i love your passion and drive when you truley want something.
I love you.
Now i know you that you already know that.
But im in love with you.
Every part of you.
Your crazy side, your talented side, your funny side, your high side and your low side.
You're the only person i really feel like talking to. The only person i really want to spend time with. You make me laugh like nobody else.
I can speak my mind too you no matter how random and stupid it is.
But you're the only person i would look for in a crowded room.
The only person i see is you.
You could do the smallest thing and it melts my heart.
The way you smilies while looking at a dog, or when you start pouring your heart out in a song. Or when you have to spend 15 minutes perhaping the bed before you can even think about going to bed.
I am chasing other people and trying to distract myself from the attraction to you and the fact that you are so deeply love with my other best friend.
And im happy that you are in love him. I couldn't choose a better person.
I will never ever put you in the position where you have to choice.
I will not ever try to pull anything.
I will never put you in the place where you cheat.
I have to much respect to you as my best friend and to dylan.
I know that this is not a mutual feeling.
But i needed to tell you.
By allowing myself to tell you how i really feel this will allow me to move on from the feelings. They will fade unless they are acted apon.
And i will never act on them them unless that's where we are.
But i will still be your best friend.
In the near future I may get sad sometimes but it will pass.
I don't want to loose you or can really stand too.
The speech  i must have with my best friend tomorrow in order for me to be able to sleep at night
lost Nov 2020
How do i tell my best friend that im in love with her?
When I'm around her all my fears fade away.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and i just fall.
When we sitting in her drive away and says "let's go inside stupid"
My heart melts in half.
How do i tell her?
I don't love her just for her body
Not the way her lips feel on mine.
Not the way she moves her hips when a good song comes on.
How do i tell her
Its the way she pores her heart out everytime she sings
The way she looks when she's dozing off
Or when she rolls over in bed and snuggles down into her spot.
I love her obsession with blankets. The way the explains her system with making cubbyholes in them.
But I hate that you never notice how much i just sit and admire how beautiful you are.
You are my sunshine and the love of my life.
But i am not yours.
And i guess that's okay.
but if i tell you how i feel it will change things.
You will look at me differently.
And you will stop running to me.
So when you ask what's wrong
All i want to say is "im in love with my bestfriend but shes not in love with me"
But all i say is "nothing"
What do i do?
lost Dec 2019
lost Dec 2019
As I grasp for air
All I see is your smiling face
As you grasp for air
All you see is my tears

As I cry myself to sleep
All I feel is shame
As you cry yourself to sleep
All you feel is
Oh wait, you do not cry
Because you have no soul
lost Dec 2019
I carried a book.
My book was all of the things.  
I carried you with me dad.
In a book.
He was the biggest section of  the book.
When I get sad I pulled you out and began to reminisce.  
But I also carried what you did to me.
I carried the hair pulling
The name calling, slapping and punching.
As I lay awake at night, I seemed to have carried the nights with you.
The ones where I was locked in the basement
The ones where I got one piece of bread for the week
But I also carried the good times.
I carried the times where we went to the city and watched the stars.
The beautiful names you called me.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed him into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me dad
In a book.
I carried my sister.
Whitney I carried you
In a book.
This section jumped around.
It always started with
I loved you
Then I hated you.
But I always found a way to
Love you
As I laid awake at night
I thought about all the times you could have saved me
But you layed in bed with him
And disregarded
Everything that was happening to me
You disregarded me
You disregarded everything about me
But I always found a way to
Love you
But when it got to be too much,
I packed her into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me Whitney
In a book.
I carried a child.
I carried my child.
Even though she came to me
Out of hate.
I always did love
Her section.
She came to me in the darkest
Of times.
I was thankful that I got to hold you.
Even if it was just for a breathe.
If I could have named her it would have been
Rebbeca Lynne
I have and always did love her.
My sweet child.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed her into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me child.
In a book.
I carried an angel.
I carried my angel.
He came to me at the best times.
But he told me something
That I never wanted to hear.
I was told that in 24 days
I was to join him
In a world of peace
Of happiness
And of joy.
But in 23 days
I learned so much about myself
I learned how to escape.
But on the last day
I did not want to leave.
This place sounded so sweet
But I wanted to stay and learn.
So I ran.
I ran as far as I could from him.
At the end of the 24th day.
He still managed a way to find me.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed him into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you my angel.
In a book.
I carried the place.
This place was not like any other place.
Before I entered this place
I was told I would not carry anything from the past.
I was told this would be a place of peace
Of Happiness
And of Joy
But this place was not.
This place was a room.
With no lights.
With no sound.
Just a room.
I could not see 2 inches in front of me.
This place had no peace
No happiness
And no joy.
It was just a room.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed it into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried the place.
I carried this book with me.
No matter where I went.
I carried it with me until the day I died.
This book can not be opened.
It can not be read.
But one day this book will find you.
And once you find it
You will join me in the basement
You will join me in the city.
You will join me in the love
And in the hate.
You join me on the run.
You will join me in a breathe.
You will join me in the place.
But you will never read this book.
But when it gets to be too much,
You can try to close the cover, then pack the book.
But you will never carry this book
The book I carried.
This was written for a English class. And I just found this page again.
lost Jan 2019
I lost track of me
i got addicted
to the worst kind of drug


i struggled to realize  
how much you impacted
every choice, every action, every move

i can't wear that blue shirt
  because it reminds me of the way i
felt with you
the happiness, the smiles, the laughs

i can do this

i wore that shirt today
i didn't cry
but i did smile
not because of you
because the happiness that came from my friends
my teachers, who I see as parents
the boy, i call my best friend

i latched on to his hug for about 30 seconds longer than usual
he asked "you okay"
"all because of this"
i smiled and walked to class
haven't wrote in a while i kind of forgot how. how to put my feelings into words. i struggled finding the words and feeling i had for you. Most were good but i couldn't forgot all the pain and tears i shed for you.

i don't capitalize "i" because i can't stand alone.
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