I’ve always wanted to be someone who wrote in all caps
I think I wouldn’t love you
If I didn’t meet you where G O D
Couldn’t seem to get through to punks & rebels
Maybe I would still believe in G O D
If I didn’t spend so much time
Believing in you
Found this today and thought about the you you were to me and tried to reason that with the you you actually are.
I feel like I’m falling out of love
Very slowly and not so quietly.
When I was a kid I went to camp
And I would be charmed by the trees
and the breeze that flowed beneath them
When I was a drunk freshman
I remember the moment when a boy made me feel like a breeze
like something that couldn’t be caught
but that could charm someone into a walk home
And offering, always offering to sweep me off my feet.
Falling for you was like the hours I spent awake at camp
Listening to the whispers of morning while it was still quiet
And looking through sleepy eyes at the light sliding in.
Falling out of love with you
Is like drunkenly skinning my knee falling on the ice
and falling asleep in bloodstained jeans
It is inherently painful
But mostly embarrassing
In a sad kind of way.
somebody sedate me I'm out of ****
I tried to explain to someone
that sometimes when you cause pain
you have to lie with both the pain you caused
and the pain that that causes you.
I say tried because they wouldn’t accept it,
they said they could fix it.
to be to be filled with blind optimism,
that kind of stubborn hope.
I was better at cats cradle when I was seven
Than I have been at most things since.
I called you a drama queen and I'm sorry.
I called you a drama queen and I'm right.
God doesn't save you.
The Jimmy Johns guy saves you.
His name was Henry and I need to remember that.
I couldn't bang on the doors hard enough
I was too weak. I was too tangled.
I hope you're not mad.
Unblock and don't delete
Whatever you do don't delete
Don't burn a bridge you might need.
Then he held me and I was too weak to fight it.
Like when he hurt me and I didn't care.
Like when he ****** me but really just folded me
into more knot than girl.
I know I'm supposed to say woman.
I am not a woman.
I am a knot.
**** me like we used to on my back porch
On a floral futon under toy car lights
Listening to cicadas and to the door
Waiting to get caught
Like the night I came to your freshman dorm room
And you offered only a hug and your roommate offered the truth
That you were (already) sleeping with someone else
Like the night I stumbled into your house
After misfiring pepper spray into my own right eye
And I woke up with my ex for the first time
Like the night you told me you were proud of me
That I was beautiful and strong and you had missed me
Like the night I gave my friend the wrong garage code
Because you had told me you loved me too
(but you couldn’t be with me
It was too much of something
I was too much of something)
**** me like the night I was so drunk
That I now have a Nike swoosh shaped scar under my arm
From falling off someone else’s bed
**** me like tonight
When your ****** communication skills
And wine that was more than $4 made me think
Something isn't quite right
(You aren’t quite right and I may be too much,
but only because you are too little).
what goes up must come down
sometimes I drink too much coffee
and I find myself asking:
what if I become an enigma?
(what if I disappeared like you did?)