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Sep 2018 · 214
Untitled
Aidan A Sep 2018
Do you still need me the way I need you
I'm still thinking bout how I let you go
And I know
I'm doing this cause I no longer deserve
The love and care I myself
Didn't show
Do you still think any good of me
When you stare into darkness
Before you sleep
The way I drown in sorrow
Even when I try to be stronger
It finds a way in, seeps

I can no longer feel the weight
Of the world
I'm trying to let go of
But I let go slow
I want to smile at the thought
That you're better, even if
It's without me
I want you to be happy
Even without me
It renders me hurt
To realise that I have been
So blind
Out of my right mind
That I have made you see me as
The opposite of happiness

It's only been a few days since we've
Said goodbye, without anger
We even said we still loved each other
And I know when we're able to do that,
That you're serious, you're leaving my side
I'm saddened
I cry every single time
A song comes on that we used to sing to
I can't game because I'd always lane with you
I'm left here
I'm glad you're doing better
I want to genuinely be happy that leaving me
Was a good decision
I'm glad you're gaining weight
I'm glad that you're meeting new people
I'm glad that though I am torn up, serrated inside
Watching my friends kissing their brides
Flooding the floor with eyes that don't dry
Wanting desperately to be able to try

Through all that
I am learning to love you from here
I'm glad I was lucky enough to receive love
From someone as special as you are
To me
I'm glad I was reminded of what it felt like
To be cared for even when I was ****
That says something about what I meant to her

Through all this
I am happy and
I am sorry
And sooner or later I will be able to accept
That I was no good for you

Please be happy, Trish. I miss and love you.
Sep 2018 · 83
Untitled
Aidan A Sep 2018
My world doesn't need me anymore
The world never needed me
I no longer want to be a burden
To either
How many times can you re-tie
Heartstrings?
More than you wish you could

I hate myself for what
I do to others
What I do myself when they get hurt
I hate myself for not being strong enough
To realise my place in this world

I have no place here
Ill find it somewhere between
This existence,
And the next
Sep 2018 · 177
this sorry soul
Aidan A Sep 2018
It doesn't feel the same, this sorry soul
My heart cries and begs and
In every whimper, hopes to be whole
Again, with you beside me
A reality in which I can see that
You're happy
Happy because of me
And I'm happy
Because of that

I can't help but think about all the
memories we never got to make
I still keep space in my thoughts
Just in case
And I long through silence of night
Bleakness in day
just to have the feeling of
Your fingers running through mine
Where they lock and rest
Where I'd pull you nearer
So you'd lay on my chest
How we'd fall asleep by accident
Naps during the day have always
Me made feel groggy -
I've always hated that,
But it was always the best feeling
Coupled with waking up next to you

I can't help but think about all the
Smiles and laughter that I carelessly misplaced
Somewhere in the recesses of this heart
Lies the core - forged in our passion
Once seared so bright
Tempered in those oceans you call eyes
I regret not making more of them with you
It is all I have left now
I'm scared to open the box
Where all thats left resides
As I don't want it to lose the last of your scent
The beauty in fledgling love is faded
But very much still there
Just like the ink that embodies it

I can't help but think about all the
Pain and tears I've put upon you
And caused out of my own issues and insecurities
I always knew and saw that you tried hard
I knew you loved hard
I knew I didn't take care of you
The way I want to now
It may be too late, but I'm always here
Cause

It doesn't feel the same, this sorry soul
My heart cries and begs and
In every whimper

Hopes to be whole
Sep 2018 · 219
If Only I Could
Aidan A Sep 2018
There is no escaping the night,
The empty space in time that engulfs me
A string of reality void
Of deeper conversation
Where every word spoke a book
Where each pause for breath
Spoke volumes

If only I could,
I'd take you back to that night
Don't think I'm not listening -
And I'd do it all over again,
Right this time
From the very moment
I stupidly breathed a "hey"
Slouched like some *******
Absently watching football
In that run down, now gone
**** of an excuse
For a
Watering hole

A place so flawless in my heart
If only I could save it
I'd feel like I could save us again
Just like us, it was torn
Down for things that
Made more
Sense

If only I could,
Distance would no longer
Exist
Between us
But was it not me who
Wedged distance there
In the first place?...

I still miss you
And these four words start and end
every conversation I have with you
In my head -
If only I could, I'd rush to end this life
Only to start the next
Searching again, knowing
It'll bring me
Back to
You

I said I'd give you three lifetimes
We are left with but two
Just like we promised.
Sep 2018 · 262
Losing you
Aidan A Sep 2018
I think this is it
And though my heart begs for me
To wrap myself within her arms
Or even just her memories
It is with tears, sharp
As the pain of losing her,
That I settle into
Sad acceptance.

I know I've done a lot of wrong
I know I've done some things right too
I've been toxic and sorry and in love and careless
And everything one could want and hate in a partner
I always said I'd try harder
But that only worked in small increments
I regret having lost out on so much more
Because I didn't put that little extra in

Though we fought right to the end
Bitter as it may be
I'm trying to remember only the good of you
Losing myself in a song I never thought
I'd even listen to

I understand if you can't do the same

I'm trying cause I didn't before
I'm crying cause we could have been more
I've deleted your number and
I've promised I won't disturb you
Its tough when I can see a reality
In which we exist perfectly together

The image of which
Is refracted in the broken pieces
Of what we are now

We could've been a garden that flourished
I have yet to clear the now
Fallen petals
Of something
Beautiful -

Once an evergreen bloom
I miss you. I really hope that you will be happier from now on. I'm sorry.
Sep 2018 · 457
goodbye
Aidan A Sep 2018
I miss you, I really do
And I don't think there's anything else
I'd rather be doing
Than trying again, timidly pursuing
The thought you
To which my core melts -
It licks at and singes each layer
The ones at least atop that I'd lay her

Why can't we try anymore -
I still want to be the cause
The glisten in your eyes emerge
Not from source of hurtful words
When we first met
It was eclipse at twilight
An unknown lit so bright
Compared to the flicker of ash
A graceful flail between the breeze
That you and I had failed to sweep
Under the rug, at least that was clean
Our fights and insecurities were always
Out in the open
We knew each other well
Not just from loving each other
We gave each other ****

I'm sorry for hurting you - I'm hurt too
Not all of it was cause of what you'd do
I don't want some other person, she wouldn't compare
Not to the beguiling nature of your stare
I do still love you, I really do
But I know that when I love,
I tend to hurt you too

That isn't love, I'm not a lover
I'm just a shell of a man I once thought I could be
I'm sorry ***, I should've known better
than to bring you into the pain of dealing with me
Dealing with myself

No matter what we are now, even if we re nothing
I will always remember fondly, I'll always be thankful
That you loved me through the thick of things
Through the **** that I would bring
Up, though it was fine where it had been
I know I didn't show you what love could be,
I taught you what it shouldn't be.
I started out genuine I swear and I thought
That yours would not be the burden to bear
I'm sorry.

If this is goodbye then this is me waving
In your rear view mirror.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, I should've loved you better
I should've been better

I hope you're doing better
i'll miss you
Jul 2018 · 252
I'd still go
Aidan A Jul 2018
Her eyes used to burst at the seams with love
When it came to me - She used to pretend not to steal
A glance
But every chance she had, she'd take
And only wanted me to reciprocate

She used to brush her fingers across my cheek
As we lay idly in bed having decided
That was going to be our day -
And every way our hearts collided
Our lips would talk it through
Without having said a
Word

She used to always want to talk,
And I'd savour our conversations
That told me that she loved me
And wanted me to be
Part of her
Life

She says she cares,
But she now has to care for herself
I scratched at wounds that I should've been tending to
I left her empty and void where I should've added value
Oceans of tears left uncalmed when I
Should've braved the tides with her

Where there should've been love there was
Only the bittersweet feeling of hope -
A flicker left long enough within toxic gale
Can only expect to extinguish

We could've been a garden that flourished
Mine is the guilt to bear

So
I fully understand
When she says she has to move on
It's whats best for her
Who would want to have to
Put up with a monster
Like me

I just want to say that I'm sorry
For not being better
For hurting you
For the words that I've said
But even more so for the words that I didn't say
When you needed to hear them the most

For the things I've done to make me
The nightmare you woke up to
But even more so for all the things I didn't do
That should've been done
Just cause it would've been for you

For the accusations and distrust when
You've been loyal all along
And being mindful of what upsets me
When you didn't deserve that doubt

For making you feel worthless
And not making you feel special
Enough
Like I had promised myself I would

I was a bad person and I hurt someone
I love because I didn't value them enough
I took her for granted and couldn't admit
That I was ever in the wrong

I admit I have been in the wrong for a long time

I can't make you stay,
But that doesnt mean I can't keep trying
I can't fail - I can live with letting myself down
But not with  having let you down
The way I did

I would give her enough love for three lifetimes
If it meant having hers for just one
And bring us back to where we used to be
Love unbridled

I would change to be the person she fell in love with
And more
To hear her call me a petname again,
To feel her hands hold on to me tightly,
Like she doesnt want to lose me
To be the one she thinks about when she wakes

Id venture to the edge of the world
If it meant she would be mine again
Even if it kills me inside every day
Knowing I've lost her

I'd still go
I hurt someone I care a lot about through toxic behaviour. I didn't reciprocate where I should've and I didn't act like a partner when she needed me to. I don't know how to make it better but I want to
Nov 2017 · 296
Half Empty
Aidan A Nov 2017
She told me to write
So here the letters toward a more complete sorrow
Splay themselves across the digital parchment
So I may find comfort or recluse, I do not know which one

She told me to love
Her like I had not been broken - a task in
Which I had failed to do, and gave in to the pain of
Having lost many a time before, what I lose again now

She told me to leave
Her so she may look up and see more than thoughts
That haunted her being - Of those I had loved before
Those others who have had me before she ever could

I told her to hold on
To wait a mere few days, to have faith and will
So we can mend what has been broken too many times
Before -

If I could make time unwind
I would,
And take back all the love I
Had so carelessly given
To those before her -
I would recollect every moment
Undo every rhyme, every chord
And save it for her.

If I could make time unwind
I would have given it all to her.
I am but a glass half empty.
What was left, was not enough.
My love is worth less because I had loved before.
Oct 2017 · 294
Change
Aidan A Oct 2017
The way that you love me has changed -
If at all it even exists.
Every message used to be replied
With eagerness between each character
That is no longer present.
Every text is now filled with pauses
In between, as if to say it's not something
You look forward to -
You're right.
You dont need me.

And when I send yet another
The response I get is one of
Ridicule
As if to tell me I'm ****** for
Wanting to talk to you
Like you're fine with
Making it known I don't matter
The
Way
I
Used
To.

Im scared to tell you
These things so I just tell myself
Cause if I did,
You'd tell me to leave
Cause it's that easy for you.

I don't want to leave.
I just want you to want me.

I have made it too late for that.
Oct 2017 · 410
Do you?
Aidan A Oct 2017
Do you know solitude like I do -
In which that good morning text doesnt come,
And it feels like the sun itself didn't rise?
That is how the last few days have been
Without you or your words or the thought
That you're there, I'm afraid of the notion
That you no longer care, emotion
We once had for each other
Dissipates into thin air...

Except that isn't true, I still feel
Deeply about my love for you.
I know things haven't been going well
And theres only so much I can do
From a thousand miles away -
An entire world too far from you.
I still listen to the song you wrote
For me, I play it back to back and hope
You still mean every word you sang.

Do you remember that night
Where we fell asleep in each others arms?
A dreamless night was a dream come true
I think about it all the time -
It only makes me hope that you
Will love me once again, the way that you do
I'd trade 6 months in Sydney to relive
That single night with you.

When Tuesday comes, I'm scared
You'll say that you don't need me
The way I need you, all I can do
Is hope that you come back to me.

I miss the way we'd game online
And end the night with a call
The way I feel when you call me "***"
And telling you that I love you
I miss the little pokes on facebook,
Our ****** snaps to each other
The longing for December,
The thought of seeing you again
How we'd talk about getting married,
The idea of three lifetimes with you,
Spending one as birds.
I miss it all.

Do you still see a future with me,
The way I see one with you?
Do you still think about me
Throughout the day,
The way I think 'bout you?
***** tough, guys
Aidan A Sep 2017
Heres the thing about distance.

When you're romantically involved with someone that you know makes you happy to no end, and that relationship is then reduced to routine texting and phone calls, you run the risk of boring them. You start to over think the smallest of things. You start to wonder if the spark is gone, perhaps that person has lost interest in you, perhaps they no longer feel the same way.

Distance does things to the both of you that makes you doubt your relationship. It brings up fears and insecurities. It makes you not only physically, but emotionally distant. The things you used to take for granted are now the things that make you the happiest, and when even those start to disappear, one by one, you start to question yourself.

You start to question whether you're still "worth it", of if you're "good enough". You start to hurt yourself over things that simply cannot exist because of the abundance in physical proximity. You wonder if things will even be like this once you both are together again. You start to forget what its like to even be together. You start to feel like you're not even in a relationship anymore.

I've become but a guy on the internet. I feel like an obligation. Theres never anything to talk about anymore. It's like the spark we had, never existed.

I'm scared for what comes next. I look forward to seeing her again but at the same time I am so scared that what we are now, perhaps will become what we are in permanence.

I should've never left.
Sep 2017 · 187
Untitled
Aidan A Sep 2017
Its nights like this
Where heavy hangs the heart
I wake in dark of night
Unable to soothe these fears
That I doubt my ability to
Love, rather my affinity
For something that may not
Be there any longer

These are the moments where
I feel most loss,
Lonesome in its touch,
Painful in its thought
Aidan A Aug 2017
Hey ***,

Theres something I need to tell you -
That the thought of you is the first to
Sing through the stage of my mind
Every morning, reverberating through
consciousness, permeating my dreams -
And though it may not seem
That my longing for you
Could be of that capacity, I
Wanted you to know that
Not a second passes where you
Arent present in my thoughts.

Sayang,
Theres something I need to tell you -
That I look forward to every text and call
Even if they are few and far apart
Good or bad, even mundane
I still cherish them all,
I keep your words somewhere deep
Within my soul
Words are all I have of you
Right now

Sweetheart,
Theres something special I feel for you -
An emotion I can't pen
Its like love and longing and
Hope for that moment
Where we'll see each other again,
Where we can be together in the end
I can't tell you how much you mean to me,
For words are not enough
But still the thought of that glimmer in your eyes
And your head resting upon my chest
Is the moment I replay every day

And though I am far away

Theres something I need to tell you-
I'm waiting for a time that will
Let me be with you again
Im waiting for that smile,
The one that never ends.
I miss her so much
Aug 2017 · 362
Nothing Scares Me More
Aidan A Aug 2017
Nothing scares me more than the thought
That I can become lesser
To someone who once loved me in entirety

What if my insecurity that she always helps to quell
Becomes a burden in her every day
What if the creativity
That she once saw in my every song
And poem
Becomes nothing more than another word
Carelessly placed

What if my once compelling conversational topics
Become but an obligation to reply
What if the things that hold us together
Right now
Are made nonexistent
And my words don't flow like they used to,
That my voice doesn't sing as well as it should do

Nothing scares me more

My inability to take a step back and stay calm
My perpetual insecurity and need for assurance
My incapacity to overlook the things that don't matter

I'm being pessimistic because I know she loves me
But I can't shake off the thought that
Everything she now knows about me
Has already begun to seem unappealing

The thought that the spark we set alight
Could have already begun to burn out
Because people fall out of love
For the same reasons they fell in it
Aug 2017 · 152
Untitled
Aidan A Aug 2017
I get upset over the wrong things.
I lose track of what is important.
I forget what my goals are.
I forget what I'm building and
With whom I'm building it with.
I let myself go to irrationality,
I hurt those I never wanted to.

This is a time of growth.
In progression I have found myself
Through the timid F chord,
The hopeful G,
The potentially glorious A minor,
And now I am at E.
Aug 2017 · 441
Lately
Aidan A Aug 2017
It is a lonely night here,
As with all nights I have witnessed in Sydney.
The cold licks at my feet the same way
My cat back home used to with my hands.
I miss the warmth of a Malaysian day,
A steady flow of vape clouds and gaming
To which there was no end.
The course I've taken upon myself
does it's job at making me feel that
My intellect is inadequate -
A days worth of reading and
Nothing has been retained.
The notes I have penned have
Seemingly done me no good.

I'm afraid of many things -
And fear seems to be a mistress
To me lately. She curls up next to me
As I try to slip into slumber,
Whispers words of regret in ever
Leaving and runs her fingers
Through my hair, as a glimpse of she
Who I had come to love
Crosses my mind.
Forever longing to be with her,
The one soul I cannot have right now,
The one smile and laugh and voice and kiss
That I cannot bear to be away from,
Is the only one I ever think about.

I have made myself so miserable
Through the irony that is my decisions.

I miss her and a part of me hopes in entirety that the coming months go past as fast as they can.

I can't even write properly. My heart is in a different continent.
Jul 2017 · 286
Untitled
Aidan A Jul 2017
I don't have a lot left to say.
My poetic battery is all but spent.
I leave this place with hopes that I make something of myself.
The path I will take is long and winding.
Over the last few months I have made invaluable bonds with people I did not know could impact my life with a magnitude in which they did. I met musicians who pushed my work to become so much more than I could have ever hoped to achieve on my own. I lost a few friends, I strained a few relationships.
I found love in the form of a soul that mirrored mine - the mirror in which I saw this reflection bore the image of someone I'd want to be with no matter where or how. Nothing will stop me from  ensuring the continuity of the feelings we have for each other. The spark burns bright. I will not let it reduce itself to a wisp of smoke.

Batrisyia,

I know you'll read this at some point. I know I've already written you a letter. And I know there will be times when my words are not enough - but words will be all that we have to rely on for the coming months. I need you to know now that I will always have time for you. We will game every night and joke and laugh and make ******* noises over whatever platform we choose to communicate through.

I know this will be tough, but if it were easy then there would be no accomplishment in it. You and I meld together without effort. We fight sometimes but we can never stay mad at each other. In the end, when all is said and done, I will always see you for the vibrant soul you are. Nothing that happens could possibly make you lesser in my eyes.

What is 2 years compared to 3 lifetimes?

We will find out for ourselves.

I love you.

- Aidan
Jul 2017 · 251
Time runs out
Aidan A Jul 2017
The currents of time begin to coil,
Pulling me within its currents.
The days count down -
Ten days, nine days, eight
The thought in which I contemplate
In how many instances have I made her wait?
Is it not linear, this sense of becoming?
Am I not being but once per second
Do I exist past where my physicality
Persists?
Time is running out.
The sifting sands of the hourglass reduce
From the vast expanse of the hour hand
To but grains and pebbles of
A dimension I cannot mend,
One of which I can only spend,
With her, I wanted to
Of all the things with which
I imagine I'd be able to share with her
Time is but the only thing that
Disappears
It was meant to be wasted away with her.
Jul 2017 · 164
Untitled
Aidan A Jul 2017
Ive spent years trying to escape your clutches.
You always seem to find your way back into my life.
Leave me alone.
Let me be happy.
Jul 2017 · 263
Down // Tonerino
Aidan A Jul 2017
I'm feeling
Down
Like no ones *******
Interested,
Feeling
Frowned
Upon as if my choices
Aren't my
Own
Tired of the voices
Constantly telling me
That I should be further,
Telling me that
I have no right
To feel
Worth

****,
But I can almost taste it in the air,
Just know this was a long time coming.
You ***** will learn to see,
There's no denying me -
And the rest of you will soon be crumbling
Down

I've tried to bolster your will
I see no need to but, still
I'll bring the fear that they will drown under,
The frontline disaster -
Learn to do with and without
If not, get the **** out
Before you're faced with
A force you didn't reckon
Could tear you a new one

****,
But I can almost taste it in the air,
Just know this was a long time coming.
You ***** will learn to see,
There's no denying me -
And the rest of you will soon be crumbling
Down

I am shaking now from the suspense
Can't wait to see you eat your own words
*****, you lost before this started
Rest well, dearly departed
And the rest of you will soon be crumbling
Down
Draft of a song I'm working on.
Fun fact : this is the only song I have composed with the use of profanity.
Jun 2017 · 163
Untitled
Aidan A Jun 2017
If I am too far beneath you,
Then don't bother holding your breath
Don't sink under waves
You won't want to drown in,
Don't reach for the hand
That won't reach for yours,
Let the deeps take me,
Let time take it's course.
Jun 2017 · 216
Divided
Aidan A Jun 2017
I have noticed before -
How seconds slow into hours, hours into days
And days into nights, but nothing more -
They do not exist, as I miss Entirety
Like trying to fall asleep within
The cold embrace of a specter,
Blistered fingers lay waste upon
An unending dream where I'm with her -
My mental state collapses, forlorn
Are the words that had extracted
Such breath from my lungs, gone
Is my soul, once recollected.

In volatility my emotions know not
Where they lie, so instead they lie dormant,
Unwaking, in hopes that they can be slaked,
Unslaked, until I can be once more
Awake.
I have strayed, but I will readjust my path again.
Jun 2017 · 433
Capsized
Aidan A Jun 2017
If I coaxed
Her tides to ease,
Only then do fears reprieve -

I hope too
In time she sees,
That I accept her in
Entirety.

There is much still
That I hope for her
And of me, for both
To get over
And conquer.

There are demons
That have not seen
Light of day,
But in the dark
I cannot slay -
Try as I may.

Still

I want to be beguiled,
And lose myself - like falling
Into the gaze of a gorgon
Or succumbing to
The sweet release of a siren's song -
Neither can compare to drowning
In the depth of her oceans.
I long for her currents to coil,
To envelop myself in its motion -
To be ravaged and weathered,
Finally untethered
But mostly, to be
unbroken.
Jun 2017 · 167
Arise (10w)
Aidan A Jun 2017
How high
I will rise
Before the air
Gets
Thin
Jun 2017 · 358
Had I Known Earlier
Aidan A Jun 2017
Aidan,

There are a few things I wish you had known
And in lesson from which you'd have grown
A lot sooner -
The twist of time left your path entwined
In more vice than virtue,
I really need you to see that.

Altruistic aims, aren't always mutual gains
Only act on impulse if your intentions are true -
And only for those who'd do the same for you.

Unbridled fury does not buy you respect,
Or victory - things can always be approached better.
Remain yourself, but keep logic intact.

You needn't be afraid of vulnerable thoughts.
Collect yourself outwardly. The battle you have fought
Is not one that others can see.
Caution -  it may feel like
You're battling me.

As you traverse the plane of your mind,
You may find that what you once basked in
Is now a question of
What could have been

Choose your memories carefully in which
Your creativity is hugely dependent on
Don't create what you can't feel -
Delve,
But don't drown in the ethereal.
Try not to lose yourself to
What others think of you
Or your writing, your music, your views

I know this stuff's hard, but I hope that you try.
Anyways. Take care of  yourself. Tell mom I said hi.

- Aidan
A letter to myself.
Jun 2017 · 252
More
Aidan A Jun 2017
There is nothing more
Attractive to me
Than a soul just like mine,
Letting me see
And seep and drown beneath
Her waves -
I want to provide relief
Her tides,
Doubtful as they may be,
I'd rather calm her restless seas
Than let her have a lesser me.

There is nothing more
That I adore
A girl who is self aware
It makes me love
Her even more
There is nothing she offers
I don't care for.

She thinks and feels deeply,
Though it doesn't show
I know she loves and
Cares for me
***, don't worry -
We'll take it slow.

Don't think for a second
That I will tire
Of you, your sniffles
Your gaming desire,
Your eyes, the glimmer
Or that you are taller
Or how your voice breaks
During laughter
It helps me simmer
My thoughts before I sleep -
A dreamer
Only sees perfection in
What you'd call flaws,
I love you more
Every time you ***** a joke
My flames are stoked -
There's nothing else
I can ask for.

The more I discover
About who you are
And what makes
Me miss you
When we are far
Apart,
The more I adore
The soul I see -
The soul that's helped
Me become
Me.

There's nothing
I don't find
Great about you.
Try to see
Yourself
The way that
I do.
You've got nothing to worry about. I promise.
May 2017 · 403
Time
Aidan A May 2017
It doesn't always need to rhyme,
It doesn't have to flow.
Just give yourself a little time -
And time will tell
How far you go.
I sent this to a friend to encourage her to write more.

I think it's important that people express themselves.
May 2017 · 188
Setting Sun (10w)
Aidan A May 2017
I love her
Like
A moon loves
His setting sun
I'm gonna miss her so much when I leave for my studies.
May 2017 · 286
Irony
Aidan A May 2017
I wake.
Stray beams of sunlight
Leak through the window that
The curtains failed to seal.
There is a welcoming warmth to these beams
Licking at my face.
It singes my skin just a little too much
To remain in bed.

I miss her.
The smell of her hair faintly seeps
Through the pillow we'd lie on
When watching netflix shows.
If I indulge too much, the scent fades.
If I don't delve in it at all
The what use is the smell?

Yet she hasn't gone anywhere - only physically.
I am yearning for memories that haven't been created yet.
I am longing to come back before I have even left.

The duvet is a little too warm,
The room just slightly too cold.
The coffee brewed in 2 minutes
Or less is neither sweet or
Bitter enough - the hum
Of the seemingly inept laptop cooler
Is neither annoying or comforting
Enough for me to want to replace it.

The tinge of impermanence in all this
Leaves something to be desired.
I don't want to go -
But I can't miss her if I don't.
I made the choice to leave this place
Because
I had no reason to stay.

I now regret that.
As soon as I decided to go,
Life gave me a reason not to.

The taste of this conflict
Tastes too much like the irony of life.
Have you ever felt the bittersweet taste of knowing that you'll miss an instance - before it is even gone?
May 2017 · 228
Sorry (10w)
Aidan A May 2017
"Sorry"

Doesn't turn back time,
Minute hands will not
Rewind
eyes rolling so far back into my head i can see what little brain i have left
May 2017 · 74
From this to nothing
Aidan A May 2017
Be the jet fuel to my memes.
Be the cheese to my pizza base
Be the one who melts my steel beams
Be the finish to my race
Be the laugh to my bad jokes.
Be the rhyme in my every line.
Be the flames that I could stoke
Be the minutes to my time.
Be the janji to my melayu
I hope you feel the same way too.

Let me be the love you feel
Let my lungs breathe you in song
Let me show that this is real
Let me learn to do no wrong
Let me sing my faith in this
Let me make your world go still
Let me wait for that first kiss
I won't back down, I never will.


I don't have long, I am an old man
So I'll ask, as best as I can
Trisyia please, hear Aidan A
I'm asking you, from today
To be by my side, till this life ends
Be my world - be my girlfriend.
Its funny how it seems like just yesterday we were falling so deeply in love with each other, and today, we're strangers.
May 2017 · 200
lel (10w)
Aidan A May 2017
sorry dude,

deodorant doesn't cover up
the stench of

Desperation
*** gud or *** rekt skrub
May 2017 · 245
Roar
Aidan A May 2017
Boundless whimsy,
Fields in which he runs
Infinite depth
Yet, a bounded one
He boasts his mane
Just for today
So much he's gained...
So much to say.

There is compassion in
The heart he's raised,
From sorrow, a meadow
In which he'd lay

Where grass grows tall
He watched his pride
Spill over,
Watched himself fall -
Watched himself
Pour love in entirety
For none and for all.

He learnt to roar in song
For others
Before he learnt to roar
For himself.
The former made them
Love him, sure.
He learnt the latter
At heartstrings tore
He learnt through that,
That there is much more
To life than to lie in
Sorrow, the meadow
A plateau for
All that had been,
All he paid, the cost
For
All he loved, and lost.

He learnt not to give in
To fanciful notions.
His end was not the end.
His dreams may not come to fruition.

He knows not much,
But knows for sure -
There are others who need his roar
More than he needs himself.
I am starting to understand what I am cut out for in life.
May 2017 · 407
The Leo (10w)
Aidan A May 2017
I fight my own battles,
My pride is my own.
May 2017 · 667
Late Night Thoughts
Aidan A May 2017
What I don't understand,
Is that I feel it when
We hold hands,
Or when she rests in my arms
And steals a quick glance,
When she thinks I'm not looking.

Or
When she half smiles,
And though shes been silent for awhile,
How there's a faint glimmer,
In those otherwise
Indifferent eyes.

How about when we tease
Each other, and talk ****?
Then we exhale
She rests her head on my chest
For a bit,
While her hand graces my thigh.

I feel it so strongly,
But I can't understand why
She won't say it
First?

My eyes feel so cloudburst.

I try not to make
It matter,
I know her better than that -
And for the sake
Of what we have,
I won't let it shake
Me, I let it be...

Call me an old young man -
I am old fashioned
In that sense,
I feel so juvenile
Cause I hated the word
"Boyfriend"
For the longest time
Yet it'd make me feel better,
Even if just for awhile.

Some of her peers know,
Through the affection we show,
But most don't
Is it a can't, or won't?
Perhaps I'm still a risk,
Cause I don't feel like a constant.
Maybe that's why sometimes she feels so...
Distant.

Is it real?
Is she worth it?
Of course it is,
Of course she is.

I can tell from all this
Fleeting bliss.

Cause I sense it,
When I'm half asleep,
With her curled up next to me.
Or when she places her lips
Ever lightly on my cheek,
When she runs her fingers through my hair,
In those moments,
I know she cares.

I try to think otherwise,
That its not a must.

I don't want to force her
To define what this is,
But I am selfish.
Because I need to know,
That shes willing to show,
That we are more than just friends -
That this is a means
That I am an end.

I know she loves me,
And that I love her
But sometimes
I need to make sure.

Am I that insecure,
To need to want more?
Grow up, Aidan.
Aidan A May 2017
https://soundcloud.com/theaidanazhar/sets/aidan-a-prefinals

I'm sorry, for this isn't a poem
I apologise for the lack of beauty
My words, the justice I owe them
Is now replaced simply
Musically
I set my soul free
I'd love to share the voice
I found
In letting myself
Become me
Shameless marketing, I'm very excited that my music is slowly approaching the prefinal stages before my EP is released. Please have a listen and your critique as poets is highly appreciated.

You'll notice that some of the lyrics are actually poems I've posted before.

Thank you for listening!
May 2017 · 174
Vaporised
Aidan A May 2017
The mod, my heart
The clouds, my blood

It feels like the coil needs replacing
And I know how to do it
For some reason I can't
Perhaps the gauge of kanthal
Is just not right for my building post

It matters not the cotton I use
If I continue with cheap liquids
For a momentary fix
Inevitably I will poison myself
And those around me
Which in itself is a personal sin

How do I set myself free,
And not only of nicotine?
Theres things I need to let go of and there are obstacles I need to get past.
May 2017 · 140
10w
Aidan A May 2017
10w
My vase is too broken
And the glue doesnt hold
****
May 2017 · 155
Untitled
Aidan A May 2017
When I leave
And we both start wishing
We had more time together,
It will not be the instances
That never came to fruition
That we regret -

It will be the time we wasted
Being upset at each other.
May 2017 · 875
A Poet's Plea
Aidan A May 2017
Learn to love,
Yourself before
You learn to love
Somebody else

And be the love
You feel and not
The love that
You would sell

In flaw, calls change
If will remains -
In fear,
Find strength yet again

Don't reach for those
Who let the door close
You'll meet them
Once again
In the end

Find yourself,
And find the friends
Who made you,
Who you are again

Love and feel,
Or hate and repeal
But act on just
What is real

Be and let be,
Leave memory
But more importantly
Make yourself free

And none had you lost,
But all could see
None made you fall,
As did she

Rise like before,
As love does adore
The soul that would try
Just once more

Learn to love
Yourself before
You learn to love
Somebody else

Live, dont regret
Don't forget
Who you are
Ready,
Get set,
You will go far.
May 2017 · 471
Fuck
Aidan A May 2017
How to have a real **** day -
By Aidan A.

Lets start with face palming your phone onto the floor
Its like what little social life I have
Has just shown me the door.

Lets amplify that
With the fact
That my internet
Is in a state of disconnect,
So the mobile hotspot
Keeps me from internalised rot.

Fast forward to the next morning
When you wake
At half past eight
Assuming that the girl youve been seeing
Will arrive soon instead of being
A few hours late.

You head the **** out because the lack
Of wifi
Slowly stupefies
And then you are told that the LCD is ******* up,
It needs replacing
At a price too high
To justify

So you proceed to purchase
A secondhand mobile,
Unknown to you
That will be the best it gets for awhile.

You contact your sweetheart
But now shes got other things to do
Instead of tentatively spending the day with you
And in your understanding
You can't help but feel a bit ****
So you grab some BK -

This is where it gets metaphorically ***.
(Dont get offended I used it that way.)

Jump into the driver's seat
Realising the ticket hasn't been paid for
And the useless paper bag
That encapsules the takeaway
Is now leaking Coca Cola
All over your car.

Yeehaw. What a ******* great day.
I don't know what else to say.
Don't pity me though
Thats not Aidan A.
I'm on edge cause I've been sober too long
But its better this way.

Besides
I've run out of ***** to give for today.
I'm not even gonna work on this or make it roll off the tongue better. I'm jut venting. Please excuse my small minded ranting. I know you all have bigger problems than mine.
May 2017 · 1.8k
An Ocean Of Shores
Aidan A May 2017
I once penned -
To find someone that would
Want you, exactly as you are
Was to find depth
In an ocean of shores.

I look no more.

I could not care less, that
My fear used to get the best
Of me.
It still lingers and creeps
Even in my sleep,
But I know I'm afraid only
Because shes perfect,
Perfect as can be -
Realistically speaking,
Shes just right for me.

I cannot write of beauty,
And that's not for the lack of it.
It is only because I'm so distracted
By her charm and wit -
The funny accents, slightly ***** jokes
But with capacity of depth
Only oceans invoke
I see passionate flames
That just need to be stoked.

At this point I cannot tell
If this will work out well.
I can only say that I will love her fully.
I will let her destroy me
Completely.
I will not back down, I will try
To give myself to her
As if I was never broken
Because shes deserves more
Than the shell of the man
I believe I am.

If she cries in the
Dead of night, I want to hear every last
Word soaked in pain leave her be.
If where she lies
Lacks enough light, I want to be right by
Her side, just so she can sleep peacefully.
And if my eyes
Start to lose sight, I know I need not see.
I know shes got me.
I need not more -
I've got her
To calm my seas.

Let me sing,
Let me soar -
The Left Handed Leo roars

I've found depth
In an ocean of shores.
Aidan A Apr 2017
It feels more times than not
My character is misconceived
Wherein my affinity for emotion is
Either ill received, or begs condescension
Such vindictive decrees for
Souls just as flawed as me
The difference is
Mine are the only flaws that I can see.

Void of emotion?
I prefer to think that I can
Differentiate between
A fleeting feel
And what is real -
What of the lack of social devotion?
I am only at my best
Around those who create from the heart
I discard the rest, because
I am the company I keep,
And I've kept from the start.

Over the top flattery?
I beg to differ.
You mistake the way I speak and the things I do
For my romantic battery
The thought of which makes me quiver -
It says a little something about you, too.
You fail to see
That I can so naturally
Draw emotion from the smallest of things
Do you think it is through arrogance that I sing?
A highly internalized being, who only creates things
To feed an insatiable egotistical craving?
Clearly the life that you lead
Is just lacking fantasy, or a sense of meaning...

I have met people who are metaphorical gateways,
No, actual ley lines of human creativity.
I wonder if their work would
Make you question your brand
Of Humanity.
I am a bit mad.
Apr 2017 · 608
With Which, I Let Go
Aidan A Apr 2017
Verse 1 -
Shes done something to me that I just cant explain
And all the words I thought I lost I have regained
When paper meets the pen,
I fear the lack of ends
I know she'll list'n in
When I sing

Chorus 1 -
Go to sleep
My enchantress of a myriad,
Beautiful come with me
Eternity could be ours

Verse 2 -
I knew I'd love her even if only from afar
Away land I couldn't hope to get closer
I knew I'd love her even if I'd have to wait
A moment longer, till Im beside her...
When paper meets the pen
Thats where my love begins
Shes now the meaning
In the words that I sing

Chorus 2 -
Go to sleep
My enchantress of a myriad,
Beautiful come with me
Eternity could be ours

Show to me
My enchantress of a myriad
Leave your pain
But keep your eyes on me
We can live in fantasy
Eternity could be ours

Outro -
Go and be,
More than just my silhouette
And though you are now
Finally free
Remember our fantasy

My enchantress of a myriad.
I've been busy completing these songs for a small project of mine, so this is the extent of my poetry, of late.

The chorus stems from a much, MUCH earlier poem. This song has been 4 or 5 years in the making, so naturally the EP will be named after it.

Interested in hearing how it sounds?
https://soundcloud.com/theaidanazhar/with-which-i-let-go

Instrument is a guitalele. Uke players please take your seats. The song is meant to emulate a bittersweet lullaby.

Obviously there are mistakes and flaws in it's arrangement, but this is the song at it's core. Currently transposed in A but will be recorded in E standard, cause lets face it, no one cares about the lower octave.

Input and criticism is very welcome! Thanks for reading/listening
Apr 2017 · 429
Fair Feathered
Aidan A Apr 2017
The oblivious avian
Has yet to comprehend
The existence ****** upon him.

Atop his perch,
Peering through the gilded bars
Of his confinement -
He awaits the feeder to be stocked
And chirps
At the idea of assured sustenance,
At the thought that this space,
This place, is his own
Through this glass house he peers -
The cage became a home
And over time hes grown
To accept that life is as it is, but

The life he lived
Was not his,
This collective of feathers
Has failed to see, that
He can live a life,
He can simply be
Devoid of pain and sorrow
But at the cost of not understanding
The use of 'tomorrow'
Or to feel progression
For time has no place
For our fair feathered bird
Whose captivity grasps
Further than he can retrace.

Currency is of no use to him
And time is a human construct
A lack of philosophical conduct
Would argue there is no price
To the life he lives...

His wings are not bound, yet
He is bound from flight
The room is warm at night,
Yet never feels quite right
The songs he sings are
Only replied with echoes
Of what could've been...

As he watches the fireplace nearby -
A mesmer of light
The glimmer in his eyes
Gets just a little less bright.

The epiphanised avian
Has just begun to comprehend
That redemption is ****** upon him.
This is not about a bird. Then again, it is. Thanks for reading!
Mar 2017 · 863
Where She Rests
Aidan A Mar 2017
If she may fall asleep
Within a solace spun of oceans deep,
Where she rests - upon a foundation of strength
And finesse, I pray her weary eyes
Will soon forget their burdens
That she will breathe new life and
See herself for the radiance
She truly is.

If I may venture,
Brave the tides and slay the demons that plague her
Perhaps spark change beyond just seeing...
Would her gaze rest upon my being?
And bless my thoughts with her complexion,
An immaculate theater of inspiration.

If I had stayed here,
And rose above my doubtful waves to find her
Drowned in sorrow, or soaked in pain
Under darkened storms and torrential rain
For and beside her I'd take my place
To coax sunrise from her cloudburst face,
To call stars for eyes, always dawning surprise -
Such grace upon my evening skies.

If I may ask her,
To let me drown within the deepest seas
Of her eyes, just a second longer,
Before they shut, and she falls asleep
Amongst unrealised dreams and bursting seams
Where I’ll be, to stay staunch and guide her
To clear conflicting briar, so she may once again rest
Upon a foundation of strength
And finesse.
An old poem with a couple new lines. Still unsure if the new stanza takes away from its original delivery. Anyways, this poem is about guardianship that is found in (some) love. It is an inherent feeling of wanting to protect those you value. Thanks for reading!
Mar 2017 · 848
Good To See You Again
Aidan A Mar 2017
Hello, old friends -
Its about time that we met again
To read and hear and cry and cheer
Through stories and poems of
Misfortune, adventure -
Romantic in nature? Perhaps
If I were to find a muse...
But hey, that's old news.
I want to be a part of this place, again
I want to inspire
And be inspired,
To feel deeply, the desire
Of others through the words they have left
To be admired by those searching for depth,
Or strength or will or answers
To what comes next -
I want to feel love's toll upon me,
I want to be destroyed completely
Through genius words of poetic degree,
Through pain and suffering and unbridled fury
Once again to live a brief summary of
Another soul's story - and in return,
To open myself for the world to see,
In hopes that my words help set you free
Just as all yours have done for me...

I missed you all, I missed the call,
The craft in penning glimpses of my soul
And hoping someone else in this
Forgotten corner of the web
Would read my work, where they'd ebb,
And flow in understanding
That my words are the love I have
For those who made me who I am,
When they had nothing to my name,
For those who helped me fall...
And left me in disdain
And yet, I feel not sorrow nor pain.
I know good and bad
Come as one and the same -

So I'll greet you, my old friends,
When paper meets my pen,
Where my thoughts end, and ink begins
It is there that I will rise again.
I've decided to start writing again. Consider it an experiment to gauge and compare how much I've grown (not only as a writer, mind you) since my last bout of entries. I'd love to hear what any of you have to say on how I can improve, or how you would've done a certain part. Thanks for reading, more to come.
Jul 2015 · 390
hey, mom
Aidan A Jul 2015
hey, mom
it's been a while, hasn't it
yeah, i been meaning to call
but my phones barred
and i kinda like it that way

i know
its a shame we aren't closer
but the truth is
physical proximity
was never our strong point

you watched me grow
from afar
hoping that i would amount
to more than
the shell of a man
i am
today.

you let me make
decisions i didn't have,
no - couldn't have had
the foresight for.

i don't regret you
sending me to boarding
school
i regret not having
that time with you

even now,
as i attempt
to be my own man
i still wish you
lived closer than
the twenty two
hour flight i cant
afford.

it was tough enough
without papa around
and i know David tries
hard, means well but
he cant replace
the childhood i didn't have
with my dad

how long till
the delayed voice
on the other end
becomes but a voice
May 2015 · 616
Enchantress of Myriads
Aidan A May 2015
Go to sleep, my enchantress of myriads
Yea Beautiful, come with me
You were once more than a silhouette

Show to me -
My enchantress of myriads
Yet I'm lost within her
Sphere of memory
Would you still remember me?
I still live out part of our duet

Hopelessly,
I search for the muse
To my poet -

Her eyes finally
Crash upon me
An ocean entirety
Get lost in her gaze,
Envelop yourself in her silken stare...

Go, and be
More than just a silhouette
And though you are now
Finally free
Remember our fantasy
My enchantress of myriads
You may have noticed an older version of this a while back.
Nov 2014 · 824
Find Her Again
Aidan A Nov 2014
Find her again,
And let her destroy you
Completely this time,
For you will not find
Another
The way that she found you.

Find her again,
And let her love flow like
Ichor, divine
For you will not long
For another
The way she has longed for you.

Find her again,
And feel safe in her arms
As if you'd never leave
Cause you wouldn't weep
For another
The way she has wept for you.

Find her again,
This time feel her in your veins
Almost as if to say
That your heart could not beat
For another
The way it had done for her,
That your eyes cannot tear
Away from the stare
That made you believe in 'forever',

For despair in her loss,
A most profound pain
Will only remain
Until

You find her again
And let her destroy you
Completely this time.
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