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Jul 2018
Her eyes used to burst at the seams with love
When it came to me - She used to pretend not to steal
A glance
But every chance she had, she'd take
And only wanted me to reciprocate

She used to brush her fingers across my cheek
As we lay idly in bed having decided
That was going to be our day -
And every way our hearts collided
Our lips would talk it through
Without having said a

She used to always want to talk,
And I'd savour our conversations
That told me that she loved me
And wanted me to be
Part of her

She says she cares,
But she now has to care for herself
I scratched at wounds that I should've been tending to
I left her empty and void where I should've added value
Oceans of tears left uncalmed when I
Should've braved the tides with her

Where there should've been love there was
Only the bittersweet feeling of hope -
A flicker left long enough within toxic gale
Can only expect to extinguish

We could've been a garden that flourished
Mine is the guilt to bear

I fully understand
When she says she has to move on
It's whats best for her
Who would want to have to
Put up with a monster
Like me

I just want to say that I'm sorry
For not being better
For hurting you
For the words that I've said
But even more so for the words that I didn't say
When you needed to hear them the most

For the things I've done to make me
The nightmare you woke up to
But even more so for all the things I didn't do
That should've been done
Just cause it would've been for you

For the accusations and distrust when
You've been loyal all along
And being mindful of what upsets me
When you didn't deserve that doubt

For making you feel worthless
And not making you feel special
Like I had promised myself I would

I was a bad person and I hurt someone
I love because I didn't value them enough
I took her for granted and couldn't admit
That I was ever in the wrong

I admit I have been in the wrong for a long time

I can't make you stay,
But that doesnt mean I can't keep trying
I can't fail - I can live with letting myself down
But not with  having let you down
The way I did

I would give her enough love for three lifetimes
If it meant having hers for just one
And bring us back to where we used to be
Love unbridled

I would change to be the person she fell in love with
And more
To hear her call me a petname again,
To feel her hands hold on to me tightly,
Like she doesnt want to lose me
To be the one she thinks about when she wakes

Id venture to the edge of the world
If it meant she would be mine again
Even if it kills me inside every day
Knowing I've lost her

I'd still go
I hurt someone I care a lot about through toxic behaviour. I didn't reciprocate where I should've and I didn't act like a partner when she needed me to. I don't know how to make it better but I want to
Aidan A
Written by
Aidan A  24/M/Malaysia
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