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Aidan A Sep 2018
Do you still need me the way I need you
I'm still thinking bout how I let you go
And I know
I'm doing this cause I no longer deserve
The love and care I myself
Didn't show
Do you still think any good of me
When you stare into darkness
Before you sleep
The way I drown in sorrow
Even when I try to be stronger
It finds a way in, seeps

I can no longer feel the weight
Of the world
I'm trying to let go of
But I let go slow
I want to smile at the thought
That you're better, even if
It's without me
I want you to be happy
Even without me
It renders me hurt
To realise that I have been
So blind
Out of my right mind
That I have made you see me as
The opposite of happiness

It's only been a few days since we've
Said goodbye, without anger
We even said we still loved each other
And I know when we're able to do that,
That you're serious, you're leaving my side
I'm saddened
I cry every single time
A song comes on that we used to sing to
I can't game because I'd always lane with you
I'm left here
I'm glad you're doing better
I want to genuinely be happy that leaving me
Was a good decision
I'm glad you're gaining weight
I'm glad that you're meeting new people
I'm glad that though I am torn up, serrated inside
Watching my friends kissing their brides
Flooding the floor with eyes that don't dry
Wanting desperately to be able to try

Through all that
I am learning to love you from here
I'm glad I was lucky enough to receive love
From someone as special as you are
To me
I'm glad I was reminded of what it felt like
To be cared for even when I was ****
That says something about what I meant to her

Through all this
I am happy and
I am sorry
And sooner or later I will be able to accept
That I was no good for you

Please be happy, Trish. I miss and love you.
Aidan A Sep 2018
My world doesn't need me anymore
The world never needed me
I no longer want to be a burden
To either
How many times can you re-tie
More than you wish you could

I hate myself for what
I do to others
What I do myself when they get hurt
I hate myself for not being strong enough
To realise my place in this world

I have no place here
Ill find it somewhere between
This existence,
And the next
Aidan A Sep 2018
It doesn't feel the same, this sorry soul
My heart cries and begs and
In every whimper, hopes to be whole
Again, with you beside me
A reality in which I can see that
You're happy
Happy because of me
And I'm happy
Because of that

I can't help but think about all the
memories we never got to make
I still keep space in my thoughts
Just in case
And I long through silence of night
Bleakness in day
just to have the feeling of
Your fingers running through mine
Where they lock and rest
Where I'd pull you nearer
So you'd lay on my chest
How we'd fall asleep by accident
Naps during the day have always
Me made feel groggy -
I've always hated that,
But it was always the best feeling
Coupled with waking up next to you

I can't help but think about all the
Smiles and laughter that I carelessly misplaced
Somewhere in the recesses of this heart
Lies the core - forged in our passion
Once seared so bright
Tempered in those oceans you call eyes
I regret not making more of them with you
It is all I have left now
I'm scared to open the box
Where all thats left resides
As I don't want it to lose the last of your scent
The beauty in fledgling love is faded
But very much still there
Just like the ink that embodies it

I can't help but think about all the
Pain and tears I've put upon you
And caused out of my own issues and insecurities
I always knew and saw that you tried hard
I knew you loved hard
I knew I didn't take care of you
The way I want to now
It may be too late, but I'm always here

It doesn't feel the same, this sorry soul
My heart cries and begs and
In every whimper

Hopes to be whole
Aidan A Sep 2018
There is no escaping the night,
The empty space in time that engulfs me
A string of reality void
Of deeper conversation
Where every word spoke a book
Where each pause for breath
Spoke volumes

If only I could,
I'd take you back to that night
Don't think I'm not listening -
And I'd do it all over again,
Right this time
From the very moment
I stupidly breathed a "hey"
Slouched like some *******
Absently watching football
In that run down, now gone
**** of an excuse
For a
Watering hole

A place so flawless in my heart
If only I could save it
I'd feel like I could save us again
Just like us, it was torn
Down for things that
Made more

If only I could,
Distance would no longer
Between us
But was it not me who
Wedged distance there
In the first place?...

I still miss you
And these four words start and end
every conversation I have with you
In my head -
If only I could, I'd rush to end this life
Only to start the next
Searching again, knowing
It'll bring me
Back to

I said I'd give you three lifetimes
We are left with but two
Just like we promised.
Aidan A Sep 2018
I think this is it
And though my heart begs for me
To wrap myself within her arms
Or even just her memories
It is with tears, sharp
As the pain of losing her,
That I settle into
Sad acceptance.

I know I've done a lot of wrong
I know I've done some things right too
I've been toxic and sorry and in love and careless
And everything one could want and hate in a partner
I always said I'd try harder
But that only worked in small increments
I regret having lost out on so much more
Because I didn't put that little extra in

Though we fought right to the end
Bitter as it may be
I'm trying to remember only the good of you
Losing myself in a song I never thought
I'd even listen to

I understand if you can't do the same

I'm trying cause I didn't before
I'm crying cause we could have been more
I've deleted your number and
I've promised I won't disturb you
Its tough when I can see a reality
In which we exist perfectly together

The image of which
Is refracted in the broken pieces
Of what we are now

We could've been a garden that flourished
I have yet to clear the now
Fallen petals
Of something
Beautiful -

Once an evergreen bloom
I miss you. I really hope that you will be happier from now on. I'm sorry.
Aidan A Sep 2018
I miss you, I really do
And I don't think there's anything else
I'd rather be doing
Than trying again, timidly pursuing
The thought you
To which my core melts -
It licks at and singes each layer
The ones at least atop that I'd lay her

Why can't we try anymore -
I still want to be the cause
The glisten in your eyes emerge
Not from source of hurtful words
When we first met
It was eclipse at twilight
An unknown lit so bright
Compared to the flicker of ash
A graceful flail between the breeze
That you and I had failed to sweep
Under the rug, at least that was clean
Our fights and insecurities were always
Out in the open
We knew each other well
Not just from loving each other
We gave each other hell

I'm sorry for hurting you - I'm hurt too
Not all of it was cause of what you'd do
I don't want some other person, she wouldn't compare
Not to the beguiling nature of your stare
I do still love you, I really do
But I know that when I love,
I tend to hurt you too

That isn't love, I'm not a lover
I'm just a shell of a man I once thought I could be
I'm sorry ***, I should've known better
than to bring you into the pain of dealing with me
Dealing with myself

No matter what we are now, even if we re nothing
I will always remember fondly, I'll always be thankful
That you loved me through the thick of things
Through the **** that I would bring
Up, though it was fine where it had been
I know I didn't show you what love could be,
I taught you what it shouldn't be.
I started out genuine I swear and I thought
That yours would not be the burden to bear
I'm sorry.

If this is goodbye then this is me waving
In your rear view mirror.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, I should've loved you better
I should've been better

I hope you're doing better
i'll miss you
Aidan A Jul 2018
Her eyes used to burst at the seams with love
When it came to me - She used to pretend not to steal
A glance
But every chance she had, she'd take
And only wanted me to reciprocate

She used to brush her fingers across my cheek
As we lay idly in bed having decided
That was going to be our day -
And every way our hearts collided
Our lips would talk it through
Without having said a

She used to always want to talk,
And I'd savour our conversations
That told me that she loved me
And wanted me to be
Part of her

She says she cares,
But she now has to care for herself
I scratched at wounds that I should've been tending to
I left her empty and void where I should've added value
Oceans of tears left uncalmed when I
Should've braved the tides with her

Where there should've been love there was
Only the bittersweet feeling of hope -
A flicker left long enough within toxic gale
Can only expect to extinguish

We could've been a garden that flourished
Mine is the guilt to bear

I fully understand
When she says she has to move on
It's whats best for her
Who would want to have to
Put up with a monster
Like me

I just want to say that I'm sorry
For not being better
For hurting you
For the words that I've said
But even more so for the words that I didn't say
When you needed to hear them the most

For the things I've done to make me
The nightmare you woke up to
But even more so for all the things I didn't do
That should've been done
Just cause it would've been for you

For the accusations and distrust when
You've been loyal all along
And being mindful of what upsets me
When you didn't deserve that doubt

For making you feel worthless
And not making you feel special
Like I had promised myself I would

I was a bad person and I hurt someone
I love because I didn't value them enough
I took her for granted and couldn't admit
That I was ever in the wrong

I admit I have been in the wrong for a long time

I can't make you stay,
But that doesnt mean I can't keep trying
I can't fail - I can live with letting myself down
But not with  having let you down
The way I did

I would give her enough love for three lifetimes
If it meant having hers for just one
And bring us back to where we used to be
Love unbridled

I would change to be the person she fell in love with
And more
To hear her call me a petname again,
To feel her hands hold on to me tightly,
Like she doesnt want to lose me
To be the one she thinks about when she wakes

Id venture to the edge of the world
If it meant she would be mine again
Even if it kills me inside every day
Knowing I've lost her

I'd still go
I hurt someone I care a lot about through toxic behaviour. I didn't reciprocate where I should've and I didn't act like a partner when she needed me to. I don't know how to make it better but I want to
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