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i cannot tell you
how good it feels
to finally be
someones
first
choice
i used to write poems about
how lonely i was,
how i thought no one loved me.

and now,
i'm getting married.
i've found my forever
when we met
i wasn’t sure
what to expect.
now i realize
that you could
be my light
at the end
of a
very
dark
tunnel
so much time was wasted
worrying
stressing
killing time
being patient
giving second chances
and
simply
waiting...

and all of it was just
wasting time.

and now i’m too scared
to give love a chance
because i still love you.
or you make me think
i still love you
even if you don’t love me.
just please stop
changing your mind
every single day,
i’m begging you.
it’s exhausting and
traumatizing.

give me an answer,
and let it be final.
i gave you chaos without destruction
love without war
peace without ignorance.

you had only unrealistic
expectations. and yet
i met them.
time after time after time,
i always met them.
because i knew you needed
someone. something. anyone.
and i hoped it would be me
but it never was.

‘i love you’ could be heard
echoing in our lives,
but it never rang true for you,
you only loved what i provided.
you never loved me for who i was.
sitting across from you in this quiet library
while we do homework,
i look at you and wonder-
how did i get so lucky to be loved by you?
6 months ago you asked me out.
6 months of pure happiness and love,
6 months of never once questioning if you do love me,
only knowing that you do.
and now, we look forward to the rest of our lives,
together.
loving someone has never been easier,
it's like second nature,
as simple and innate as breathing.
your fluffy brown curls,
stunning hazel eyes,
and adorable silver and navy glasses;
unparalleled intelligence,
kindness, goofiness, dorkiness,
lovability- my golden retriever boy.
you always take care of me,
especially when my adhd and anxiety get bad,
and i always take care of you,
especially when you're tired and dehydrated.
i love you
here i am,
nearly a year and a half later,
and I still experience the feeling of
heartbreak
almost every day because of you.
so, thanks for that, i guess.
many big changes are occurring:
changing jobs,
moving out,
starting college,
etc.
i come and go frequently,
although never quite staying in
one place for too long.
sometimes getting too
comfortable
can be scary
we may have
walked through
the fire together,
but that doesn't
mean we didn't
get burned.
there is such a peace
that comes with being
near you.
i have never felt such
love and adoration
from a singular person
ever before.
and i know that i will
never be perfect,
i won’t even try to be.
and i will never truly be able
to show you how much
i love you.
but i will spend the rest of my life
showing you.
and i know things won’t always
be easy or good,
but i am willing to make it work
no matter what it takes.

and do not doubt me
because i am young.
i am not yet twenty
yet i am sure of this:
you are my one and only,
always and forever.
"let's examine these words."
yes- let's lay them on a table,
cut them open and diagnose nothing.
autopsying when you know that
there's nothing to find
what a semester it's been.
it feels like i have been swept up in
a tornado and taken to another world
just like dorothy and toto.
it's crazy how a single decision
can tumble and grow into something
far bigger than i ever imagined.
how going to an audition in july
led me to falling in love with a boy
from the marching band.
staying up until 7am talking, a kiss or two,
and the rest is history.
the most startling part of the whole story
is that he likes me too.
i know i'm in the right place,
it feels to perfect to be real, but alas
it's real.
it's perfect, and it's real
"follow the yellow brick road"
the witch didn't die
cinderella didn't go to the ball
sleeping beauty didn't wake up
belle escaped the beast
snow white was poisoned and killed
jasmine didn't go with aladin
moana stayed on the island
ariel sayed under water
tiana didn't kiss the prince
rapunzel stayed in the tower
pocahontas didn't save john smith
mulan stayed in the village
anna didn't go after elsa
elsa controlled her powers
anastasia/anya didn't care about her past


a world where evil wins
and there are no princesses
is a scary world.

be careful, princess.
i’ve been told
many times
that my eyes
are the color
of the ocean.
just like my
mom’s eyes.

the color of
the sky after
a rain storm,
young flowers,
a little lighter
than the blue
on a walmart bag,
a worn jean jacket.

i think i like
ocean the best-
i miss it the most.
my closest friends
are made of:
white paper
black ink
12pt Times New Roman font
i'm shattering
breaking
so stressed
to the breaking
point

if something
isn't done soon
there won't be
any of me left
ive burned a
lot of bridges
lately...

whether it was
on purpose or
an accident-
i still don’t know
it turns out the fire
we walked through
together
was just
you
burning
me
every night,
you walk me back across campus.
and every night,
we sit in the back corner of the lobby,
by the laundry room,
where the vending machine sits,
and talk for at least an hour.
and we talk about
everything.
the big things,
the little things,
the easy things,
the stressful things.
and we both listen and talk.
hearing one another,
loving one another,
simply being there for one another.
the minutes and hours slip by,
and suddenly it’s 2am-
reminiscent of the first night
that we actually hung out,
i sat next to you talking until 7am,
fully knowing i was to work
an 8 hour shift that day.
and ever since that moment,
i have fallen even deeper
in love with you,
every single moment
of every single day.
i am finally comfortable enough
with myself
and
in my own skin,
that i, for the first time,
love sharing my life with someone.
we can talk about the serious things,
and 20 minutes later, segue into
being very goofy together. and
it feels so natural
and normal
and right.
things are changing so
quickly.

life is happening so
quickly.

from one thing to the next,
supporting friends, working
at the cafe and hospital...

and things will continue to
change. as long as we are alive
nothing will ever stay the same
if i get the job
as a dishwasher
at the cafe or
the nursing home

i might get my
weirdly
tragically beautiful
cinderella story
after all
meanwhile,
my entire life has been
flipped upside down.
graduation,
multiple job changes,
friendship changes,
moving,
everything is changing.
it feels like i’m drowning,
but in the surface i’m perfectly fine.
kind of like a duck:
calm on the surface,
chaos below the water simply
trying to stay afloat
The first time i realized
i didn’t really fit in,
was when
i had to try and
think of a costume
for Halloween
that people would
understand right away-
not an abstract concept
or something I had to explain.
something simple,
and normal
could be
seasonal depression
or could be
lacking any friends
i don’t know.

and please don’t try to tell me “oh you have friends- you really do” or “find new friends” because trust me- I know them- and I don’t want to associate with them and I live in too small of a town to find other friends.
thank you for not teaching me any real knowledge
but instead teaching me how to memorize correct answers.
thank you for making us teach ourselves and our parents saying
"you spend too much time on the internet"
when in reality some of us were teaching ourselves because
you never did.
you taught me that grades are more important than my
physical and mental health.
some of us are here because we want to learn,
others are only here because it's required by law.
please teach for the ones who want to be here.
dear you,

please remember that your voice has power.
power to raise an ocean of words,
please make them mean something.
power to create a storm,
please don’t destroy too much.
you have been given hands to create,
a mind to wonder,
a life that is worth living if you make it worth living
i've battled demons
i've been to hell and back to get here
and you still think i'm weak?
you'll never know how strong you or i are
until we've been shattered and had to
rebuild ourselves alone.
prince charming wont come to a broken princess.
maybe he will to you, but he didn't to me.
i'm tired of waiting.
for you.
for the world.
for everything to go back to normal.

you asked me to keep it a secret.
and i did.
and you know how hard
it is for me to keep a secret like that.

and i thought,
if i did everything just right.
if i was perfect,
if i was good enough for you,
you'd keep me.
i'm tired of waiting for
you. for your validation.
and i don't care if this hurts,
you need to know.

i'm starting to know my worth.
and i know i don't deserve to wait
for someone who might not wait for me.
i love you, but some days its hard when
you don't love me.
and i try and i try and i try to help you,
but you won't take my help
and i don't know what to do anymore.

i have so many thoughts
and feelings
and emotions
and things to say,
but i can't say them,
because it might hurt you,
or i don't know how you'll react.
and i don't want to hurt you-
not again.

and every time we talk you hurt me.
whether you know it or not.
you aren't who you were and i'm waiting
for the old you to come back,
the you i fell in love with.
and i still love you, but some days it's hard.
you've made me cry more than anyone else.
and i love you more than anyone else.
and maybe that's why i stay.
maybe that why i keep trying to help you.

i hope you're the one i end up with.
otherwise, all of this heartbreak was for nothing.
you say you love me
and yet
ive never felt less loved.
i felt more loved when you
didn’t love me.
don't cry, darling
things will get better
chin up
trust me.

no.
you know what?
cry.

let it out.
cry.
i know you've been hiding for too long.
i know you've been abandoned.
i see you.
you're beautiful.
you're perfect.
you're amazing.
if you ever wonder if you're a bad person? bad people don't worry about being better.
go ahead and cry.

let your tears water the ground.
let the seeds of despair and hurt grow
let the graves of dreams and lost friends have gardens
un-clench your hands and you'll find seeds falling out
every bad thing is now a seed
the bad things will become beautiful things,
just to spite everyone who said
"no you can't."
"it's not possible."
"you're stupid/ugly"/any other mean word

those will be the most beautiful flowers of all.

so let your tears flow.
they'll water the ground beneath your feet.
it'll be a garden of spite and inspiration.
dropping your class was
the best choice i ever made
it's 5:30am.
i'm sitting at the
dining room table
with my physics notes
in front of me. a cup of
tea sits to the right of it all.
mornings like these are more
common than i'd like to admit.
homework and notes sit in front
of me, waiting for the calculations
to be completed. it's odd. i can focus
at 5:30am better than i can focus at, say,
8:30pm. i think i actually like early physics
the glowing of the
hot embers from
what was left of the
bonfire reminded
me that maybe
some good can come
out of this darkness.
sometimes
i try to feel
the emptiness
and aching
that used to
be in my heart.
sometimes there
are still traces of it
but other times
its really gone
and i cant believe
that im actually
happy again
poem cancelled
i was wrong
the emptiness is back
i'm still half a page short.
this essay is pointless
there is no fluff left to write

the cursor sits there- it
mocks me.
this isn't helping either
we were never told
that we are essential.
we just had to assume
and hope for the best.
we work in a nursing home
on the other side is a hospital.
we don’t work in nursing,
we work in dietary.
my whole life has been changed
because of my job.
one more thing goes wrong-
and i’ll snap.
“too much has happened
for us to lose hope”
says the ones who don’t make
$9 an hour, we aren’t making
anything extra for working
during this- everyone else is.
thank you for “valuing”
every staff member “equally.”
stop lying to my face.
tell me what’s really
going on.
some of the most beautiful words
you've ever spoken to me
were about my eyes.
you said that they reminded you
of the waves crashing against the shore
on a perfectly calm night.
i've never been described like that before
i’ve tried to date two guys since you.
one was manipulative.
the other was abusive.
i’ve been so badly hurt by so many
relationships that i don’t know
who to trust or what to do
it still seems like
things are falling
apart.
and i lowkey know
that they are-
but things are falling
in place too. maybe
life and the world
isn't as against us
as it may seem
In my homeroom class, we don't have a seating chart.
But I still sit as far away from the door as I can.
Subconsciously it's probably because of a school shooting.
I've been anticipating one to strike at my small high school for a couple years now.
It's probably because of a lock down we had a couple years ago when I was still in middle school.
There were armed men on campus.
We had to be silent for hours.
I was in choir at the time.
Over 100 of us were squeezed into a small space.
There were girls crying,
my best friend was holding my hand,
I was having an anxiety attack.
I was only thinking
"Please not today..."

I'm not surprised anymore.
When another school is in the news,
it's deeply upsetting
but not surprising.
It's all I've ever known.
The Columbine High School shooting happened in 2001.
I was born a year later.
I've never actually known peace in this country...
nearly two years.
you had hold of me
for nearly
two
years.
you kept my mind and my heart captive
while i tried to run away.
thank god i'm finally
over you.
you never quite let me drift too far.
moving two and a half hours away,
for college,
was the best decision i ever made.
it let me drift even further and finally
be okay enough to let go completely.
it let me fall in love with another.
it let me live my best life.
thank you for staying here so i could go
so i could let you go.
i’m standing on the
edge of the world
so much talent and
opportunity.

but i’m waiting.
waiting for something
to happen that will
never happen.
what made you think
it was okay to hurt me?
to break me?
to cheat on me and then
not tell me for 6 months?
was everything a lie?
did you ever really love me?

i just wanted to say:
thank you for breaking me,
breaking my heart,
instilling trust issues.
i don’t want to fall in love
ever again.
especially since you said,
“i hope this doesn’t hurt
your trust, or taint your view
of love.”
maybe you should’ve
thought about that
before
you broke me.
again.

and i let you.
i was stupid enough
to let you break me
over
and over
and over
and over
and over
again.

just please never say
to anyone,
“if i could do it over,
i wouldn’t’ve dated you.”
if i love you
i love you through everything.
the good and bad times,
the easy and hard days,
i won’t leave.

but if you stop loving me,
i’ll still be there.
i won’t leave.
even if I should.

but remember that
you can’t make me stay.
i choose to stay.
your words echo
in my mind
and will
forever
haunt me
good morning to those who don't realize how stressed they are until they unclench their jaw to speak.
to those who wake up late and still get there on time, to those who wake up early and still get there late.
good morning to those who forgot to go to bed, to those who went to bed as soon as they got home, and those who work the night shift.
good morning to those who wake up before the sun rises, to those who work longer hours than the body is meant to,
and those who believe sleep is a luxury they can't afford.
good morning to everyone who secretly loved pink but couldn't say because it was cliché.
good morning to everyone who was always described as eclectic and/or weird, to those who look back at old photos and videos and cringe, and to those who love their old photos.
to the ones who still haven't found their style or aesthetic.
and good morning to you, because you deserve to have a good day.
when people asked
“what do you want to
be when you grow up?”
i never knew.
i’ve grown up a little, 17,
and all i am is
afraid.
i just want the happily ever after
every little girl dreams of
because romance has been

shoved

down

my

throat

since the moment i came out
of the womb, but hey-
that's just part of being
a girl
i will never know how or why
he loves me, but he does.
he is the kindest, sweetest guy
i have ever met.
he is genuine, talented, smart,
caring, honest, hard working,
funny, supportive, and
the best kisser.
he loves me despite my anxiety,
despite my recently diagnosed adhd,
despite my past, despite everything.
i don't quite understand, i probably
never will, but that's okay.
my education has turned into a
competition i never agreed to enter.
i don't hate learning, but i hate
being taught by teachers who don't
care who really just work here
so they can coach.
everyone says, its preparing
you for the real world.
so the first 13 years of my education
is just a trial run?
i don't know what day of the week
or month it is, i think in test dates
and deadlines.
they say you need a good ACT/SAT
score to get into a good college.
fun fact: only 21% of people work
in the area that they majored in.
they make it seem like everything
is depending on this test.
i don't know how much
longer i can handle this weight
and pressure to perform.
i used to be gifted way back when
but now i'm not because i wan't
continually challenged.
i just need to make it through
this semester, then it'll be over for
a couple months, then the cycle
will start again...
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