it's my fault
im sorry
that i wasn't there for you
I wasn't accepting to your dream
i lead you to think fondly of me
im sorry
I kept you up late at night
I said I missed you
I'm sorry I spoke the truth
I'm sorry i wasted your time
that I hugged you tight
that when I saw you I would smile
I'm sorry
is all that comes out

I know what it's like to love someone
Love someone so much you feel worried for them
You want them to do there best
Cause you know they are better than that
feeling like everything you do for them just isn't enough
But it is.

It's more than enough.

I know what it's like to love someone more than they love you
When they are struggling the only thing you want to do is help them through
but everything you do doesn't feel like enough

But it's more than enough

I know what it's like to not be treated the same
I know what it's like denying that they don't feel the same
and trying to believe that if you were them they would do the same
Inside you know that you care too much,
But you love them to much to care too much
I know what it's like to be slowly erased

but I don't know what it's like to be loved too much

what do people see in me

I always wonder do they think I'm serious
or
full of fun and humor

do they think I'm nice or fake to please

I want to be a ray of positivity

I want to change the world
I want to be a bookworm

I want to be looked at and have people think
"I want to be like that"

talking about it may not work
but it's a step and what I've learned not everybody will admire you

but if one person does that's enough

I miss you
you may have annoyed me to the point I wanted to scream
but I love you and miss you
you were the closest thing I had to a brother
and you had to leave
move across the country
and leave me
by myself
whose gonna tease me?
whose gonna protect me?
whose going to tickle me?
whose going to kick me out of the front seat?



whose going to be my annoying big brother?

there are people that I miss

some I can't see anymore

some I want to kiss

and others I miss because there presence is near but the person they were is not here

maybe some I don't miss so much of them,
but more the times

we spent making history

there should be a word for missing someone and a word for missing who someone was

it's not like it really would matter though

cause I wouldn't know which word to use

you slowly fade away

like a cut

turns into a scab

but just like that scab gets picked away and opens again
is

like what you do

if it happens enough it turns
into
a scar

is that what you want to be?

somehow I keep coming back to you
I somehow find myself looking at you
your eyes
your rosy cheeks
and a smile forms to my face
your smile
your hair

and somewhere in my soul I want to
look into your eyes and see them glow
with passion as you tell me your dreams

and somewhere in my mind I can picture myself kissing your rosy cheeks as they become more red

and somehow I want my smile to create yours
and somehow I want to touch your hair
and as I think all this and feel my wanting for this im staring at you, smiling
and you know what I'm thinking

and I hope you are wanting it too..
but why?

because somehow there isn't a way to fully escape you

I wish I knew those who cared enough
to read my thoughts

I wish I knew the ones who loved my thoughts & think it could challenge the most beautiful things

I wish when I cross people's minds they think of character, and intelligence

to be called smart, creative, or beautifully minded is my ultimate goal

that's all care for
that's all I dream for
in hopes for it to come

you know when a song clears your head

of all your troubles


makes you feel alive

makes you're heart fill with tranquility


makes you think about how simple life really is


how nothing really should matter in that moment


I hope you can make me feel that way


I hope you can be that song

"follow your gut"

easy for you to declare

my mind says "no" my friends say "leave"

my guts says "GO"

so I do just that

           what is right

both I feel are right

both I feel are wrong

that's a hand full

maybe I'll just

stand still

She was ninety-five and still alive
with belief if moving mountains
You could see it in her eyes
her love of music
she spoke no lies
maybe that was good, maybe bad
your hair cut could have looked better longer
but still she could have never made you mad
her sweet stories of strength and love
were  all she spoke of
you could see she didn't have one regret
and I know the life she lived was thoughtful and prayful
she could have moved mountains,
for I know
I could see it in her eyes.

my secrets are my secrets
to you I felt kept
safe in your head, and and tied to your tongue
but as. you drift away
without a word to say
why
I think I'm okay
cause secrets are done eventually
and are meant to be known
so here's the secrets of us
please don't give me fuss
cause it shouldn't matter
sense there is no us

everyone thinks you're different
well so do I
I conclude that everyday
what a wonderful thing to see
your green eyes shine when you look at me
how will this end I always ask
"don't leave me here" I always whisper unclearly in your ear
silently enough that you can't hear but loudly enough I can say I told you
just keep on holding onto me
trust me
I won't let go only if you said
"I found something better,
now leave, now go"
I would listen and I would
but I would never do that to you my dear
I hope you feel the same
I know you have potential to always be here
but I can only hope and pray that I'm right oh oh dear

When I think about kissing you , I don't even miss you

My anger is stronger everyday I see you.. You're in danger

I'm scared I'll do something to myself, that will hurt you too

"I love you so much"
"I love you too" I say
I wonder if he means it the way I hear it
cause I hear it a different way it might be meant
I hear as a "I care about you, and that's not in a platonic way"
but I'm confused you seem like you love a lot and people love you too
well, how could they not?
I love you all the time and I miss you through it too
I hope the words you type each week
are meant to mean what I think they do
cause I really do, i always will.. love you

you forgive me?

for what?

the way I feel?

the way I didn't feel about you?

if anything it should be understanding

and I can see why you could confuse the two

you were hurt
and
so was I

seeing you in pain anyway

but I didn't do it and hope for forgiveness

I hoped for understanding

you see I should not be apologizing

for how I feel or how I don't

cause you make and decide mistakes

but you don't decide the way you feel

I am not full of sadism
it may seem like so
but don't people say go with the flow?
that's why I said what I said
but you didn't believe me anyway
in a year this won't matter to you
in 3 years we will both look back and laugh
we were naive
full of fear & and not full comprehension
of what was going on
of what we were doing
and how full of adulation we were
I could go back and change it
but we know that life would be vapid

all I want is to make you smile

your smile helps me find tranquility

hearing your voice has the same effect

but
sometimes I think what if I can't

what if after everything I can't make you happy

I can't make you smile

but I want to
because that's what you make me do

I'll pretend, for you.
"I'm okay"
That's what I'll say, for you.
I'll do it because I know how you feel.
The feeling that you hurt someone is unreal.
It's hard to get rid of it especially when you thought you did the right thing.
Which you did, darling you did.
You did nothing wrong.
Yet there's 1 million songs that say what you did was wrong.
I'll pretend for you then I'm not blue.
You don't deserve to be hurt or feel the way I do.
If you're okay that's all that matters, one less person hurt is better than two.
I hope you don't think I'm blue, but if you do it's not fully because of you.
Yes you made me sing, dance , and smile & that's gone for a while.
Just know that's the only part of you (losing you) that made me blue.

don't really know if the desires to cuddle
to kiss
to hold onto someone is for you because I can see it with others
but when I imagine with you the sparks fly
and that's just imagination

what will it be like when it actually happens

us?

I know you can hear me
dont act like you don't know
what's it like living without me?
I know u still care and so do I
but what's the use
when u just shut me out of here
I can live with or without you
but living doesn't always mean being happy
what's it like living without me?
we are not meant to be
so what's the use
I'm always here but never seen
ur always stuck in the back of my mind
when I'm not thinking u always come to mind
I know that no one, no one, knows u like I'd do
and same for you cause u know me better too
so what's the use living without you
this world where we both are now
so what's the use?
well I'm gonna find one
and I think I have
there are people to make happy and people to have
places to be and there are reasons to be happy
and I'm gonna make myself think I lost the only reason to be

you weren't meant to be, what you are to me now
it was suppose to be a time waster or a distraction
I didn't want these feelings
but im stuck now and running off of luck hoping you mean what you say

i remember trying to convince you when you were at 50/50 to take me back when you're the one that broke my heart
i remember begging and now i am mad
IM MAD AT MYSELF
cause like you said i have no control
i have no control of my thoughts even that i didn't know what was wrong last night
i don't know
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
but i'm afraid you will leave
not for someone else
not because you got bored
but because you can't handle me
you don't love me anymore
well what is love when it's disappeared
love stays forever it doesn't fade
i remember when you said you were afraid you didn't love me anymore
well now i'm afraid
im so afraid im on my toes telling myself to expect the unexpected
im so scared of you leaving
cause when i look at you i get this burst of feeling
i can't describe in words but ill try
like someone lit a warm fire inside my chest and my heart starts beating fast and i just want to blurt "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" and that's not even close to how i feel
ME LOVING YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
i cannot fathom how much i love you
i know you feel love for me
but sometimes i wonder if it's the same thing
"does he feel like this all the time?"
"does he think about me as much as i think about him"
"does he always think of me as the love of his life or only in the good moments"
all these questions toss and turn in my brain
i can't decipher any of it so i go insane
and then i shut down
and that's why i shut you out
because sometimes it's too much time and too much thought and i can't handle the thought of losing you
and i don't want to hear words
i want to see
i want to be proven to me
that you won't leave me anymore
and you have been doing that but i guess it's just me being irrational cause you're too perfect to me

maybe I missed the way words rolled off your tongue or the way your words made me rethink how to breathe

maybe I miss your smile and how parallel your top and bottom teeth are

maybe I miss the way we could talk about meaningless things yet it meant everything to me

maybe I miss the good things like the wink you gave me when I gave you my brightest smile (which was only there because I saw you)

maybe it's the bad things about you like the way you made me feel at midnight, I couldn't fall asleep

maybe it's just the magic of night that made me feel this way

maybe it isn't. now as I think it wasn't just night it was 24/7

maybe it's the way you could say my name. like bliss, it made me like my name. you made me feel insane

maybe it's the bad things like the way I made you feel at midnight you couldn't hardly fall asleep

or maybe it's the bad
or maybe it's just the good
but it's probably
most likely
it is
I'm most sure is
both the two

Why am I mad?
Who am I mad at?
I could blame a thousand faces.
I could say a thousand words.
Nothing would change the way I feel.
Nobody could steal my thoughts inside.
Please just leave me all alone.
I want to choose by the way I feel.
I want to be happy.
Something inside won't let me pick.
Maybe it's the world around me that kicks me around.
The world tells me "Pick him! You'd be the cutest thing I've ever seen"
Deep inside I know that's true, but why would that matter when it's how we would feel that would mean something.
I don't feel right.
That's how it would feel.
so maybe I'm mad cause I chose the choice that I knew just wasn't right.
I left the one who made it right.
He made me smile in the dark, dark night.
What is left to do you see?
Will it still be you and me?
Or will I choose to follow my conscience.
I finally figured out why.
Why I sit here so shy.
I'm not mad.
I'm not sad, indeed.
Neither one I so sourly plead.
I'm afraid.
and that's why I can't be happy.
I fear, fear.
That's what's wrong!
My past choices could let me go on.
forget the past and let me be.
I'll make a decision by dawn, maybe.

why did I miss the

wetter pillow nights

unanswered texts from days gone by

trying not to correct you with all my might

cause you were always "right"

not being able to eat when you said "you're beautiful"

&starting; to agree with everything the way you see it to be

but that wasn't me

no way it couldve been me

How could I miss that?

later coming across knowledge of being number two.

Losing interest in missing it now

cause I don't miss you, please don't even glimpse a thought in your rightful mind that I do

can't you see all I wish for us to be?
I want you to appreciate me
Who I am
What I love
But it seems you can't
Or you're afraid to
I Want to fall in love
but you...
I don't feel like you do
Using me for things that drown my mind of joy
using for you, as a toy
"get out" I say
"Don't you see I'm playing both roles," I cry
"of you, and of me.. Why do I stay?"
the answer is not you, I don't stay because of you
I stay because I'm waiting for you to do something
IM WAITING FOR A PLOT TWIST

oh my I miss you
I didn't think I ever would
but you came to mind earlier this week
as I was thinking about my future
I remembered the advice you gave
you were older and experienced
and I realized you had my best interest in mind
you cared about me and you loved me
I wouldn't be able to tell a soul a reason why you do
but I come back to the times I had nobody to talk to
even when I didn't want to
you were persistent to know what was the matter
and we're always there even when she wasn't
but oh my I miss you
you were there when I was crying tears
you were the first I told about how I felt when I looked in mirrors
you heard my cry for an hour straight about how he left and it was just too late
you told me you loved me and left me no advice
you listened and didn't say a single word
you let me talk and vent
and when you looked disinterested I asked if you were still listening you said "yes Sarah" and repeat the last 3 sentences I had said
you told me it was okay
you loved me dispite my mistakes
but now you're gone a million miles away
and I still remember the promise you gave me
if I wasn't married by 2020
you would propose
and you should know I didn't take that as a joke
oh I miss you
and I didn't think I would
but I never thought I would be this blind either
God meant to do this so you could focus on his work
and so I could too.
I can't wait to see you and hear the way you say my name
and hear you say "hey, I love you"
2 years is a long time but I'm glad that I had the other times..

I've come to realization
that you're just a boy


and I'm just a girl

so naive and full of new experiences to come

naive is me
immaturity I would describe as you

and that will change eventually
but for now

you're just a boy
and I'm just a girl

and we wouldn't want to take away that

now would we

"I'll show you secrecy"
You said,
"Okay I love new things" I said
Deep down I only went cause you wanted me to
I realize now
I was your escape
but you pushed me out cause you knew it would rip me apart

Did you see me crying and screaming "why"?
Of course you didn't cause you weren't there,
but of course you wouldn't have seemed to care
If you were there

A few hours before that
In the car that rainy night
It seems so cliche but the weather matched our eyes
tears were falling out of the sky
that's the loudest I've ever heard us be
sitting in silence it seemed eternal for me
this is probably what hell feels like
having everything that matters
But not able to touch or stare


there was no words to seal a deal
I couldn't say much in the moment
then I think back now of what I should've done
I wanted you to help me with my problem
but my problem can't help me with itself, now can it?
there's nothing that would have made you stay
but I can only write that. I could never say that

i told them what happened
i cried in their faces
some said "you were wearing those leggings- you know what that was saying"
some didn't believe me at first but when the tears came they heard
the pain in my voice and they believed my words
some said i didn't deserve it but at the end of the day i willing put myself in the situation
'what the hell' i thought
'i have no support"
the group message was all complaints
about them being pulled from class to help my case
did they not see my pain?
i felt all alone
like no one believed that i had said the word "no"
or that i asked him several times if we could go
and he replied "no"
my consent didn't matter
when the only way out is to climb the ladder
that's what u should do
i couldve bit and i could have fought but i didn't see how when every boy i play fight w could pin me down
and i had just bought the pepper spray that was in the compartment between us

nobody believed me
maybe he did
but he still blamed the situation on me
when you say what you say all i hear is
"you got ***** bc you put yourself in the position too"
i knew it could happen
so does that mean i was asking for it?
no
^ that's the word he didn't understand
i want to puke, and sometimes cry
other times i'm numb and feel nothing inside
i can't be alone w my love now and not breakdown
i had a dream last night it happened again
except this time i told no one
because why go through the pain of telling it and re creating it to these people
if they aren't gonna believe ya
im laying in the dark and hoping that i can ball and cry reall soon
"thank for believing"
i got to say to no one ever

i sometimes think about you

a lot
but other times I forget

and those are the times I have bad dreams

and when I can't fall asleep

I'll replace you with meaningless things and thoughts

but once you're back nothing else matters
but you

a kiss

it's simple really

two lips touching

although it can be complex

just talking about it makes my feelings twist 

but it depends on who with.

with you it would be complex because it would mean something 

but with someone else it would be simple, just two lips touching

I suppose we will figure out the full complexity when we do

i love you
but not the way you want me to

I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to be so confusing

i could blame it on you
you know im a player

but I shouldn't

I know it's my fault

but when I think about loving you the way you want me to

it feels wrong

is that what you want?
me to lie to you about the way you make me feel?

maybe you do
because I like to see you happy and I don't want to see you sad.

so maybe that's why I am

is that all u care about now?
yourself?
because by the path of broken hearts and tear filled eyes you left behind its starting to seem that way
do you still care about him?
or is your medication drowning you in sin?
what the hell were you thinking, you could just throw people away once you get bored?
are you blind to see?
or are you running from responsibility?
God knows what the hell you keep thinking
why did you leave an something with potential for a diamond?
were you just not patient enough to wait?
or was it because all you care about is yourself
and that cheating ******* money?

well I wonder on these late nights
if you stay up for no reason like I do
and then find your mind wander to me
and wonder what you are doing

I got asked who I loved today
my response was that I used to love you
but love never fails
well if that's true it's not
cause it was love

I always think about what you could be doing
or think about how it's going
nobody ever tells me the truth about u
only alright and fine
along with "he's hanging in there"

you make it hard cause I don't know if I will be able to fall in love for a year or two
or maybe eternity
but I can't help but compare
but then again I know I deserve better than what u gave me
but because I've only been in love once <with you> and so I don't have anyone else to compare with
but at least I'll know when it comes next that it's love
so I'll thank you
I'll know because what we had was reality

people like you drive me away
to a heaven and hell of a place
a burning feeling that I'm in heaven
yet sometimes I mistake that feelin'
just tell me what you think
of me and you
is that a possibility
we both are thinking I know I know
well I want to know that I really do
but what the way I'm thinking
is we need to talk
what's this turning into
I could just stop and let you decide
but there's this mighty wind inside
don't listen to society
"you take charge" they say
but when I do it folds everything in place
for a while
I don't see smiles from you
and I. was smiling while you were blue
I had no worries but when they came
I realized how I am such a shame

two loves compared
mine and yours
your man buys you things in exchange for you to do ****** things
my man loves me and tells me everyday
"what would I do without you today?"
your man has a few cars
well at at least my man doesn't go to the bar
at least he's not close in age to my friends dad either
writing this is even making me mad
I need a breather
for heavens sake
you need time alone, by yourself, to learn yourself
"I've always been this way, never alone"
a quote directly from you
I don't see why a potential independant women needs someone
you've turned to a monster
I don't know you anymore
going against everything our parents have taught us
just to hear your man go "cha-Ching"
"I'm tired of getting called a gold digger"
well I'm sorry but unless you can prove it im gonna be bitter
two loves compared, yours and mine
my lover and I took time
we learned about eachothers ways
and didn't sleep together at the first gaze
I can prove I love my man cause he doesn't have much but himself for me
your man has always given you crap, from purses to bras and now will come curses
my man doesn't need me all the time and i don't need him, just keep that in mind.
all you are is leaning on him, money & sin, I mean that's how your relationship did begin?
don't try to tell me he cares about you
he cares if your staying the night
because if he cares he would know that you need family too
and that's what he has taken away from you!

if I'm the only person who thinks I did the right thing then so be it

if I am the only person that I understands then so be it

if I'm the only person that doesn't think of me differently after then so be it

if I am the only person that loves me
then so be it

if I am the only person who feels alone
then so be it

if nobody listens to my side of the story because they are to quick to judge then so be it

so be it

I felt so much

But now it's gone

all my feelings their not strong

gone like yours were for awhile

And still are

I don't know if I should leave or float

and be there for you

Cause you might need me most

The thing is you don't know either

and that's why I'm stuck afloat

the worst feeling in the world could be debatable
I believe it's trying to change something
you have the full drive and desire to
but
it's not in your control
maybe parts but not all
or knowing
something
one choice
would make someone you love happier
and that's all you want
but they won't choose it
and you know they know what's right
but you can't do anything but hope
and pray
and have faith
they will
and if they don't
try to remind yourself

    there's nothing you could have done

but what you did

when something that I used to adore
love
like
enjoy
doesn't become those things anymore

what does it become?
good memories?
something else?

everything enjoyable has to be broken into parts and made complex

and overthought

and competitive


and it makes me tense

it's not fun anymore

what will we be?

this is what I see

you kiss me
and that's all it will ever be

or

you kiss me and my head will be clear

my heart will be open

I will look at you and sigh
in relief
because I'll know the way you can make me feel

I'll know that you will protect me
I will be happy
happy.
or
I will feel nothing
nothing.

and that how I'll know

what we will be

can I buy a ticket

to your mind

I would spend all I had just to see

everything you wish to achieve & all you desire to be

or would you give a ticket free

cause they say the best things in life are free

would it be a roller coaster

or would it be

an air plane ride gliding through the ideas in your mind

or is there no admission at all

no way to see what you are

because it's blocked with fear and the past

darling it may be the hardest part but

if you give me vip

fast lane

first class

i promise i'll love every second

and every part of the ride


If your minds an airplane could I also ask a favor

I would like a one way ticket

cause once i'm there and i know every part of it i still won't want to go back

i'll be waiting, my flight could be delayed due to something in the the heart of the plane

my roller coaster could be stuck on something

but i'll be patient

because i know
it will be the thrill of the night
or the thrill of my life

opposites attract
it's that true?
when I hear that saying
I think of me,and you
it's not meant to be,
so then it must
it's true in some scenarios
but with us it's most likely just lust

"why do you want the person back that put you in such misery??
why do u want that?
so u can prove to yourself that they wouldn't dare to put you in that misery on purpose?
but then u know they would do it again.
why do you want something you know is just gonna rip you apart again?
why do you want something that doesn't want you?
why do u want something that's not meant to be?
how are letting them effect you and get you unhappy?
why?
why?!
**** it!
why!?" I said
then my reflection replied,
"why not?"

cause taking steps away from you seem horrible but really I need to realize I'm taking steps forward not backward

I know I hurt you

but I hurt too

it hurts you thought it was all a lie

it hurts that you hurt

maybe I was taking a risk
because I believe in taking those

but sometimes bad things come from risks& that's how we learn

I'm sorry you were a failed risk

I really didn't want it to be this way

but it is

& I can't ignore what my heart whispers to me

"no, this isn't right"

that cannot be ignored.

the sweet things you say to me keep me up at night

I can't sleep

because I can't stop my mouth from curving upwards

I can't concentrate because I'm to lost in flattery

and
I never can find the words to say back because they wouldn't compare to yours

don't spin my head in circles
you think you would know
I'm a poet
you can't mess with poets heads
they have been kicked
they have been punched and spun every which way
but no matter what
their heads know where they are
they still remember what they were thinking
so don't mess with a poets head
because she'll most likely write about how you did