I committed ****** and I have bad news.
Columbo is on the case and that means I'll lose.
Columbo always catches people when ****** is the crime.
He always uses his skill as a detective but not this time.
I just went inside the Police Station and confessed that I'm guilty.
Columbo is hopping mad because he won't be able to catch me.
This cigar smoking cop is so mad that he's starting to shout.
A ****** was committed and he didn't get to figure it out.

Your death came as a surprise, it certainly wasn't foretold.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned 76 years old.
I learned that you were terminal shortly before you died.
When your life ended, people were sure to be misty-eyed.
If you were still alive, I'd be spending your birthday with you.
When I say that you had love and respect, it is certainly true.
If you hadn't died, today you would be eating your birthday cake.
When I found you dead, it was almost too much for me to take.
Your death was upsetting, painful and very hard for me to face.
Happy Birthday, Mom, you died and you went to a better place.

Let me tell you about the best year of the 20th Century, a year that was great.
It was the year when my mom was born and that year was 1948.
That was the greatest year of the 20th Century, that's how I feel.
1948 was great but 2013 ****** because of a terrible ordeal.
2013 was a terrible year because that was when Mom died.
After she perished in the hospital, I came home and cried.
Please listen to this advice, don't ever take your mom for granted, she's somebody who you should always appreciate.
If I live to be a hundred, I will not change my opinion, I believe that the greatest year of the 20th Century was 1948.

Frankenstein was only a monster because that's what people made him out to be.
He was actually a kind and gentle soul but that was what everybody refused to see.
Frankenstein only became violent when the angry villagers decided to attack.
They came at him with torches, axes and pitchforks and he had to fight back.
After he killed in self defense, the villagers burned him to death, it was a horrible fate.
People's prejudice made them attack and Frankenstein died because of fear and hate.
When the villagers killed him, it was a terrible incident.
They feared Frankenstein because he was different.
Those people let hate and fear blind them, they thought that killing him would put their minds at ease.
But they soon learned that they were the monsters because of prejudice which is a horrible disease.

The Kmart has closed that was located in Morristown, Tennessee.
That's one less place where people can shop and that includes me.
This particular Kmart was built in 1974.
After being in business for 43 years, they closed their doors.
They were in business for over four decades, that's a long time to be around.
This makes five department stores in Morristown that have been shut down.
I had shopped at Kmart since I was a child but I can't shop there anymore.
It's a shame that they had to call it quits, it's sad that they closed their store.

During your life, you had three wives and three children.
It's sad because your family is feeling so much pain within.
A long time ago you served in the United States Army Airforces.
It's also sad because a couple of your marriages ended in divorces.
Besides being an actor, you were also an acting coach, College Professor, a musician and an artist.
You guest-starred nearly three hundred times in numerous Television shows and you will be missed.

That's the good thing about possum innards, just as good the second day.
But whjen our dinner guests see what Granny is cooking, they run away.
These city fols have the weirdest reactions that I've ever seen.
When we serve buzzard eggs, they puke after their faces turn green.
Jethro is my nephew, and I need to have a long talk with that boy.
Mister rysdale loves our money but his wife is always annoyed.
Whenever we hear music, somebody is always at the door.
Even though Jethro is bigger, Elly May pins him to the floor.
People tend to catch on fire if they smoke after drinking from Granny's still.
As long as we have 100 million, MR. Drysdale won't let us leave Beverly Hills.

You're mad because I told your husband the truth.
You cheated on him and I showed him the proof.
Instead of being angry, you should be ashamed.
You cheated and you only have yourself to blame.

You tried to convince your hubby that my proof was misleading.
But he could see the truth and he started divorce proceedings.
Because you were unfaithful, the judge didn't give you squat.
The clothes on your back were the only things that you got.

Your good life is gone and that's something you regret.
You once drove a Porsche but now you drive a Chevette.
Because of your infidelity, you were tossed out into the street.
If you ever find another rich man, you'd better not cheat.

I found you lying dead on my kitchen floor.
It was sad because you couldn't be my dog anymore.
On August the 27th of 2013, I adopted you.
It was a really wonderful thing for me to do.
I named you after my late mother when I named you Agnes.
You were special and when I adopted you, I was truly blessed.
You were a wonderful dog who I will never forget.
You were like a daughter and you were a great pet.

Non-religious people don't believe it even though it happens to be the truth.
When people are resurrected, it will be like finding the fountain of youth.
When we live in the Paradise, nobody will ever grow old.
We won't contract diseases, not even the common cold.
When we're living in the Paradise, we will be happy and never depressed.
The Lord will let us live forever and that means that we'll be truly blessed.
After trillions of years pass, we will have no wrinkles and no gray hairs.
When it comes to living in the Paradise, I hope that I see you there.

Many people are upset because we've lost a talented actor named Ned.
He passed away on June the 13th and many are sad because he's dead.
He starred in "Superman", "Superman II" and "The Toy".
He gave performances that people were bound to enjoy.
He starred in TV shows such as "Highway To Heaven" and "Roseanne".
Millions of people appreciated Ned because he was a very talented man.
He also starred in "Gunsmoke", "******, She Wrote" and "Kojak".
It's very sad to know that he's dead and won't be coming back.
I enjoyed seeing him star in the first two Superman movies as Otis.
Ned died of natural causes at the age of 83 and he will be missed.

Last night we said goodbye to 2022.
Out with the old and in with the new.
The new year is here at last.
2022 is a thing of the past.
I hope that 2023 will be a terrific year.
And when I say that, I'm being sincere.
I hope the new year will bring happiness and prosperity.
We said goodbye to 2022 and we're saying hello to 2023.

He was a great actor but sadly, he's not alive anymore.
He died thirty-seven years ago today on April 18, 1984.
He starred in "Moby ****" and "The Man Who Could Cheat Death".
Thirty-seven years ago, he went to Heaven after he took his final breath.
He starred in "Ten Minute Alibi" and an episode of "Doctor Who".
He was a gifted British actor and all of his fans know that is true.
He starred in "From Russia With Love", "Triple Cross" and "The Liquidator".
Francis died in 1984 and his talent is still appreciated thirty-seven years later.

You starred in "The Visitation" which was an episode of Doctor Who.
Your life ended thirty years ago today on December the 11th of 1992.
You died two weeks before Christmas Day.
You were sixty-two when you passed away.
You were a very talented British actor but your death ended your career.
Time sure does fly, it doesn't seem like you've been dead for thirty years.
You starred in every season of "On The Buses" except for the final season.
I don't know why you decided to quit but you must have had a good reason.
You guest-starred in "One Foot In The Grave" and "Turn Out The Lights".
You also guest-starred in "The Count Of Monte Cristo" and "First Night".
You chose not to be buried, you were cremated.
When you died, all of your fans were devastated.
You died thirty years ago today and your wife died on December the 7th of 2011.
You entertained people for many years and then you went to Heaven.

He was a man of God but that **** didn't care in the least.
That animal walked into a Parish and murdered the Priest.
When he was arrested, he said that he killed the Priest because he hated God.
People were very unhappy because of what he did, they sure didn't applaud.
He was convicted of first degree ****** and sentenced to life in jail.
But God didn't want him to be in prison, he wanted him to be in Hell.
God made that man become ill and he gave him Staph Infection.
He suffered tremendously and then he died of that affliction.
Now he's burning in Hell and he's begging God to let him out.
But he can't escape his torment no matter how loud he shouts.
As his flesh burns, he wishes that he hadn't killed that Priest.
Now he will spend eternity with Satan who is the Beast.

Today is Memorial Day.
We're paying tribute to those who died for the USA.
Many soldiers died so that we can be free.
It means a lot to you and it means a lot to me.
Some fought with guns, others fought with tanks.
They gave everything for us and I give my thanks.

I adopted Agnes six years ago today.
She'll be my dog until she passes away.
I named my Chihuahua after my late mother.
She's my dog and I won't trade her for any other.
Agnes got sick and a veterinarian examined her.
The vet discovered that she has a heart murmur.
Because of a tick, Agnes was temporarily paralyzed.
I didn't know a tick could do that, I was surprised.
She nearly died and it was hard for me to stand it.
Agnes is one of the greatest dogs on the planet.

When you died, you died too soon.
You died one year ago this afternoon.
A vet tried to save you with a blood transfusion but you died anyway.
You died and my heart was broken one year ago today.

I bought you in 2017 and you were only six years old when you died.
If a person ever says that I didn't love you, that person will have lied.
Some Chihuahuas are hateful but you were not.
You were one of the best things I've ever bought.

I took you to two vets but your life still came to an end.
You weren't just a dog, you were also a wonderful friend.
I have something to say and it is 100 percent true.
You were a very special dog and I'll always love you.

A man had to be born perfect, live perfect and die perfect to pay the ransom for Adam's sin.
Jesus Christ was that man and he died so that people can live again.
We will be resurrected and live forever because of Jesus's sacrifice.
If we do right in God's eyes, we will not die forever, we will live twice.
But the second time around, we will be perfect, we'll never become sick or grow old.
If you want proof, read your Bible and you will see that it is what God has foretold.
Two thousand years ago, Jesus had to pay the ransom to obliterate Adam's sin.
If that hadn't happened, there would be no second life for us, there would be no hope for women or men.

Angela Lansbury has perished after living for nearly ninety-seven years.
In 1948, she starred in "State Of The Union" and "The Three Musketeers".
When she starred as a murderess in "Please ****** Me!", her co-star was Raymond Burr.
She is best known for starring in "******, She Wrote" and people will always remember her.
She starred in "Death On The Nile", "Lace" and "The Mirror Crack'd".
Angela became famous because talent wasn't something she lacked.
Many will remember her as "Jessica Fletcher" which was a role that she portrayed for many years.
Angela is dead and when her friends and family attend her funeral, they will grieve and shed tears.

Today is Mother's Day of 2022.
But I can not spend it with you.
You died over nine years ago.
Love was what you once showed.
Many people celebrate this day.
But in 2013, you passed away.
Mother's Day is what I tolerate.
It's a day that I can't celebrate.
I can't celebrate but I wish I could.
You died and you're gone for good.
You were a great mother and that's true.
If I could, I would tell you that I love you.

She starred in a Star Trek episode as the girlfriend of Khan.
She was talented but it's sad because now she is gone.
She had Multiple Sclerosis and by 1985, she was bound to a wheelchair.
When she died in December of 2003, it proved that life can be very unfair.

She guest starred in such shows as Hawaii Five-O, Bonanza and Daniel Boone.
When she died at the age of sixty-eight, she died too soon.
Because of her illness, she was unable to reprise her role in Star Trek II.
She was a beautiful and **** actress and her name was Madlyn Rhue.

Whenever I buy cigarettes, my neighbor steals them.
I really hate thieves and a part of me wants to **** him.
He sneaks in my house when he catches my back turned.
I threatened to call the cops but he didn't seem concerned.
He doesn't just steal some of my cigarettes, he steals every pack.
He spits in my face when I go to his house to demand them back.
I've asked him time after time to stop but he won't
But the laugh is on him, he has lung cancer and I don't.

You were my mother and I have something very important to say.
I love you and I lost an important person when you passed away.
You had an aneurysm which was what caused your untimely death.
I was in the hospital room with you when you took your final breath.

I was devastated when the doctor told us you were going to die.
Life would never be the same again after I had to say goodbye.
On the day of your death, I cried and I felt mighty low.
But I'm feeling better now than I did half a decade ago.

Even though time has healed my wounds, I still miss you.
Dying is terrible but sadly, it's what we all eventually must do.
It makes me happy to know how much we loved each other.
Rest in Peace Mom, you were always one hell of a mother.

There is a church in Bean Station, Tennessee that gives free food to the poor.
The time had come to give the food but they had ran out, they didn't have anymore.
The preacher prayed and told Jehovah that these people needed food in order to survive.
About one day later a big truck full of food arrived.
Jehovah saved those people when he answered the preacher's prayer.
The Lord will never let people down, it is so nice to know that he cares.
This proves that Jehovah should be praised all day long.
When we turn to The Lord, he will never lead us wrong.
It's wonderful because he loves people so much.
When we think about it, our hearts are touched.

I'm a rich man but not financially.
I'm rich because God loves me.
I'm a rich man because God cares.
Everywhere I go, he's always there.
I'm a rich man because God will send Jesus to resurrect me.
God loves people so much that he will let us live for all eternity.

There's something about my wife that astounds me.
She won't use any appliance unless it's made by GE.
I bought her a washing machine that was made by Whirlpool.
That was a dumb decision and I soon learned that I'm a fool.
My wife got so mad that she caved my head in with a claw hammer.
Now she's holding a grudge because she spent a year in the slammer.
General Electric appliances are the only appliances she will use.
I'll remember that in the future because I don't like to be abused.
She demands GE appliances because GE brings good things to life.
From now on, I'll buy nothing but GE because I'm scared of my wife.

A long time ago, some Demons turned themselves into human men.
They did this to be able to have relations with women way back then.
The woman gave birth to the Demons babies and they grew to be giants.
Any child that came from a Demon was most likely despicable and defiant.
I honestly believe that one of the Demons children was Goliath who was a giant.
Many people were afraid of Goliath but it was just a child who killed the evil tyrant.
Demons can no longer become human men like they did thousands of years before.
God put an end to it, Demons can't turn themselves into human beings anymore.

When you were dead in Firecreek, it looked real.
That was brilliant acting and it took a lot of skill.
But sadly, now you're also dead in real life.
It has devastated your kids and your wife.

You were rich and famous but it didn't make you become a snob.
Everything you touched turned to gold, you always did a good job.
You were Jim Lindsey, Jeff Myrtlebank and Rosco Coltrane too.
Now you're in Heaven with Uncle Jesse, Boss Hogg and Lulu.

I had to travel through eight worlds to save Princess Peach.
But she's about as warm and caring as a blood ******* leech.
After killing seven fake Bowsers, I finally destroyed the real one.
I did it to save Peach but it was something I shouldn't have done.
She turned out to be a snob, she called me dumb and Luigi dumber.
She said that we're worthless in her eyes because we're just plumbers.
I had to fight turtles and Goombas and I told her that I deserved to be thanked.
She said that I'm dust beneath her feet and I decided that she should be spanked.
I put her over my knee and I spanked that soft ***.
She cried and cried which proves that she has no class.
I was only given a few lives and I had to travel through thirty-two levels to be able to win.
I would've dumped Peach in the lava instead of Bowser if I had things to do over again.

There is something about me that people find hard to construe.
I'm only eleven years old even though I was born in 1972.
Because I was born on February the 29th, I only have a birthday once every four years.
I am the only eleven year old in my town who is able to legally vote and drink beer.
When people hear that I'm eleven, they send their kids to play with me but it's something they soon regret.
When the parents see me, they think I'm a bad influence because their kids see me drinking and smoking cigarettes.
But smoking has caused me some health problems that almost made me croak.
I'm the only eleven year old in the world who has had a heart attack and a stroke.

Somebody abandoned their cat and it's a **** shame.
I have decided to call her Penny, that is her new name.
After being abandoned, she decided to live here and she has chocolate brown fur.
Penny is beautiful and if she lives to be twenty, I'll always take care of her.
As I walked to the store today, I saw a cat that had been killed by a car.
When our pets are alive and healthy, we should realize how lucky we are.
Penny was abandoned but she's no longer alone.
I have given my new cat a name and a new home.

This medication is called Trilafon or Perphenazine.
When I took it, I had the worst nightmare I've ever seen.
Life is something to be cherished.
But in December of 1996, I almost perished.
After my doctor wrote the prescription, I took the Trilafon.
If I hadn't been taken to the emergency room, I'd be gone.
Trilafon helps some people but it makes other people sick.
After taking this medication, I learned that I'm allergic.
I'd like to say it was all just a dream but it was real.
The doctors in the ICU saved me with Benadryl.
I foamed at the mouth and it felt like the Trilafon was burning out my brain.
I hope nobody else experiences this pain.
My doctor ticked me off when he wanted me to continue taking Trilafon with a side effect pill.
There was no way in Hell I'd keep taking it after being so ill.
Now I take a different medication and all is well.
It's much better to take Risperadol or Seroquel.
I was only twenty-five in 1996 and that would've been far too young to go.
If a doctor wants to prescribe you Trilafon, please say no.

When children disobey their parents, they may not know it's a sin.
If more children went to church, they might not disobey again.
Churches teach children to obey their parents, that's what they should understand.
Even though Jesus had imperfect parents, he obeyed their every command.
If I had children, I would take them to church every week.
I would teach them that God will always be there even when life is bleak.
If your children won't obey you, take them to church every Sunday.
That might make them have more respect, it might make them obey.

You've been dead for the same amount of time that you lived, forty-two years.
You were loved and your death devastated each and every one of your peers.
You didn't perform in all fifty states, one state that you missed was Montana.
You performed your last concert on June 26, 1977 in the state of Indiana.
Two of your hit songs were 'All Shook Up' and 'Hound Dog'.
You had great taste in motorcycles, you sure did love Hogs.
You had a wonderful life but not a life that was long.
When doctors constantly prescribed those pills, it was wrong.
You loved to give away Cadillacs, you truly had a heart of gold.
It was very sad to lose you when you were only 42 years old.
One of your friends saw you putting a hole in your foot with a drill.
When he asked you why, you said you were doing it to get more pills.
When you died on August 16, 1977, every one of your fans were in tears.
You've been dead for the same amount of time that you lived, forty-two years.

Families who pray together stay together, that is true.
Families should pray together because it's the right thing to do.
Families who pray together will please God and they will be blessed.
Families need to pray together because many marriages are a mess.

Erin Moran has died at the age of fifty-six.
She was special and a credit to all chicks.
She was adorable when she starred as Joanie Cunningham.
When a person dies that young, it's always hard to understand.
I learned about her death on Facebook and it made me feel bad.
When we learned of her passing, it was tragic and so very sad.
She had a wonderful figure and good looks.
When we watched her on Happy Days, we were hooked.
She died too young and her death has devastated her fans.
Sadly, we have to say goodbye to the talented Erin Moran.

Something happened eleven years ago that was sad.
After he battled Leukemia for many months, I lost Dad.
I thought he'd live longer but he died at the age of sixty-five.
He took chemotherapy for over 18 months but he could no longer survive.
When he died, I had to say goodbye.
I lost him in 2013 on the 13th of July.
Dad couldn't beat Leukemia even though he tried.
It was terrible because 11 years ago today, he died.

People are nothing compared to The Almighty God, we are dust beneath his feet.
Without his influence, we can't have happiness and our lives can't be complete.
Even though we're like ants compared to God, he loves us and wants us to live forever.
If you're wondering when The Lord will give up and abandon us, the answer is never.
Jehovah will not abandon people even though that's what today's society deserves.
People can live forever in paradise but Jehovah God must be the one who they serve.

It was a sad day in 1993 when you went to be with your maker.
You starred with William Hartnell and years later, you starred with Tom Baker.
You starred in seventeen episodes of Doctor Who.
The show became a success partly because of you.
Doctor Who was a fascinating show that was scary.
Millions of people were devastated when you died on the 18th of February.

Robert Vaughn was married for forty-two years and had two children.
He starred in many movies and TV shows and he stood five feet ten.
He was the proud father of a daughter and a son.
When he died, he was surrounded by loved ones.
He died of Leukemia which is the same kind of cancer that took my dad.
Vaughn was loved by many people and his death has made everybody feel sad.
He was asked to run against Ronald Reagan for Governor but he declined.
Vaughn was an extraordinary actor and he was also a credit to Mankind.

In June of 1870, my Great Great Granddad was playing Poker in the Old West.
Even though he was shot, the law neglected to place the murderer under arrest.
My Great Great Granddad wasn't being honest, he was cheating.
He was plugged through the heart and his heart stopped beating.
When he was exposed as a cheater, the killer blew him away.
Even though it was ******, the law never made that man pay.
When my Great Great Granddad cheated the killer, it was wrong, that is something I won't deny.
But when that man got off scott free, it was also wrong, my Great Great Granddad didn't deserve to die.

Disney didn't expect it but Solo is a flop.
When it came to ticket sales, the second week saw a 61 percent drop.
In Solo, Lando Calrissian is a pansexual, even robots turn him on.
I'm sorry to have to say it but the magic of Star Wars may be gone.
Certain people are angry because of The Last Jedi.
Leia was ****** into space and she didn't die.
Disney obviously knows nothing about outer space.
Criticism is something Disney doesn't want to face.
Disney thought Solo would be a massive hit but it's not.
Fans are angry and that is what caused the Solo boycott.
If you like The Last Jedi and or Solo, that's okay.
But Disney is very upset, they've had better days.

The end of 2018 is very near.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will become the new year.
2018 was a sad year because my aunt died.
After 43 years of marriage, my uncle lost his bride.
But 2018 didn't completely ****, I've seen worse years.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will be here.

My stepson was doing **** and had red dots on his face.
I told him that I don't allow drug users to live at my place.
I immediately knew he was doing **** because of the red dots.
He lied when he said that he had the measles, I knew he did not.
My ex-wife said if her son wasn't welcome in my home, neither was she.
She thought that her son's drug use wasn't a big deal and she left me.
But now she agrees that it was stupid when her son did ****.
Last month, he overdosed and it caused his untimely death.
What I'm about to say isn't a lie, it is real.
Please say no to drugs because drugs ****.

One day Barney Fife was practicing his quick draw.
He accidentally shot Thelma Lou, he broke the law.
Andy had no choice but to put Barney in jail.
But Andy let Barney out when he said he had a crop of marijuana to sell.
Barney offered Andy a fifty-fifty deal.
But Andy wanted it all, he decided to steal.
He shot poor Barney and dumped his body in Myers Lake.
Andy became furious when he learned the marijuana was fake.
The crop of marijuana turned out to be oregano.
Andy was arrested and jail was where he had to go.
Andy will be pounding rocks for the rest of his days.
The Sheriff soon learned that crime doesn't pay.

If you're suffering because of the loss of a loved one or any other reason, God can take away your pain.
Jehovah can make you feel better even if your troubles seem like they're too much for you to sustain.
You may be very sad and feel like you're coming apart.
But God loves you and he can mend your broken heart.
God can take your pain away.
All that you have to do is pray.

I tolerated my **** neighbor even though he liked to gripe.
But I drew the line when he attacked me with a steel pipe.
The ******* hit me in the ribs and on my head.
My skull was fractured, I'm lucky I'm not dead.
Now the hospital is threatening to take my home because I can't pay their bill.
I don't deserve these problems, I may lose my house and I was nearly killed.
But I had him arrested and they locked that maniac in a cell.
He committed assault with a deadly weapon and he's rotting in jail.

People use your popcorn in popcorn poppers.
You were the one and only Orville Redenbacher.
Sadly, you died twenty-two years ago today.
Your popcorn is still being eaten and it's here to stay.
People were sad when you died in 1995.
You're deceased but your legacy survives.

Something happened to me a few years ago that was really bizarre.
I was arrested for drinking and driving but I've never owned a car.
I thought that I must have been dreaming, it couldn't possibly be real.
How could I drink and drive when I've never owned an automobile?
I asked the District Attorney if it was a prank or a joke.
Even though I've never had a license, it was revoked.
I hadn't had a drink for a long time, not even one beer.
After I was arrested, the judge sent me to jail for two years.
One year after I got out, something else happened that was just as insane.
Even though I've never touched drugs, I'm in jail for buying *******.