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650 · Jan 2015
Better
I'm better now,
I am,
I've shut off that part of my mind,
No,
Cut off
There are no connections left,
I was not born until,
After.

I'm better now,
I am,
I don't need this mask,
I don't need to hide,
Because all I had to hide is gone,
And my eyes want to see,
Without the blur at the edges,
Of my life.

I'm better now,
I am,
Just don't ask me
Because then I'll snap,
And I won't hesitate,
I will stop your questions,
By any means,
Or any blade.

I am better now,
I am,
Please believe me,
No one else will,
They keep making things worse,
Picking at the wounds I thought were gone,
Forcing me to bleed,
When I thought I was empty.

I was better,
I thought,
Am I still?
I'm not sure,
I really don't know,
But I know one thing:
I am better,
When I'm with friends.
647 · Dec 2016
Etch
In the centre of an infinite darkness,
A speck of grey lit up,
And stretched out in all directions,
In unfathomably intricate arcs,
Etching into the void,
Shapes, patterns, pictures,
Perfectly balanced and fading to white,
Then bursting to yellow,
Flames lighting up the landscape,
Angry, raging, calming,
Settling down into blue-green,
The arcs trickle like ice on a window
leaving trails as they melt,
Until a single drop stains the fabric,
And from it fractals flower,
Creating colour from dust,
Love from air,
And shining in the empty eternity,
Radiating an energy unknown to science:
Life.
646 · Jul 2016
Fire
Rage.
The jaws open: A growl,
Painted with bright orange.
Breaths of thick soot,
Choking the sky,
Screaming from the ground,
Ripping wood to dust,
Splinters to ash.
642 · Dec 2014
Beginnings
Endings are defined, precise in their nature,
They are clear points of finality,
Which do not change.
Endings force us to move on, as they do not move at all,
Impassable, but necessary if we wish to reach our goals.

Beginnings however, are out of focus photos,
Showing the sun rising on new days,
They are the uncertain dawning.
Their colours merge together in a process, not a moment,
The slow opening of a door letting in crimson light.

Is the future crimson?
It's hard to say,
But it seems to me its colour,
Is more of an array.
The start of my daily poetry collection, enjoy
642 · Nov 2016
Look Pretty
Another barrier gone
And finally, my lies can end,
For five days a week
And two afternoons
I can be comfortable,
Happy,
Safe in my skin,
I can sing and write
Of wings and dresses
Of being weak and loving it
Of looking in a mirror
And seeing me looking back
Free to dance and giggle
And look sweet, look cute,
Look pretty
And be unafraid
To feel pretty too
To smile at the world
With the giddy joy of a child
For this is my start,
This is my beginning,
I am May,
And I am a confident,
free, pretty and happy
Girl.
641 · Jan 2015
Disturb
Silence,
Everlasting,
Not a single motion,
Not a single sigh,
Or blink,
Or a glint of an eye,
Reflecting the empty sky,
No emotion,
The concept of feeling unheard,
By the non-existent ears,
Of unborn children,
Never ending dark,

But for a whisper.

A single suggestion of light,
By a single flame,
The final survivor,
Desperate,
To disturb the peace,
And bring just a hint,
Just a glimmer of life,
To the frozen world,
Just a moment,
Of happiness,
And a subtle embrace,
Of warmth.
638 · Jan 2015
Double Centre
Flecks of colour radiate,
Exploding outwards from a core of emptiness,
Vapour trails of merging shades,
A glint as they reflect bright light from an unknown source,
They try to escape, but find a wall,
Blank,
Unfeeling,
Impassable,
Immovable,
They stretch out, preparing their bombardment,
They push, ignoring the void behind them,
The void expands, stealing the light,
In a panic, they return to hide the dark,
But the black survives, constant, but a suggestion,
A suggestion of more,
That within that cave, something lives,
A fire that burns,
But is blocked somehow,
By the shadow of the eternal pit.

This everlasting struggle,
Of colour trapped between light and dark,
Takes place not across light-years,
But centimetres,
And just a few inches,
From the second void.
638 · Oct 2016
Eulogical
Moronic feelings
Led me to this stage
Hyperlectric spotlights burning
Faces into brains
Unrejected homicide
Our side is up in flames
Unelected anarchists
Fell to their own games
Barbaric wreck-hugs
Weakened our domain
Undivided enemies unhated
Blame for bloodstains
Repulsive redefectives
Are all that will remain
But standing in the ashes
A martyred carved grave

Directed erasal
Water on hearts
Leader/Unleader
Science of Art
Oxygen wasted
Life torn apart
This. End. Is. Us. Now.

If I die then I die
Where’s the harm or fun in that?
If I fall I will fly
I inspire truth’s attack
635 · Nov 2015
Storm lantern
A single candle can often be outshone,
When you don't need it,
But when the rest of the lights,
Go out,
And the once clear path ahead,
Is overshadowed,
Only then do you realise how bright that flame really is.
623 · Aug 2015
Regret
I miss you,
Though you haven't left,
At least not yet,
But you're not all here.

I need you,
But I act like I don't,
I hurt you,
I pushed you too far.

I love you,
Though that's not fair,
I'm much less,
You deserve so much more.

I care about you,
But don't get too close,
I'm sorry,
The people near me get hurt.
Alone they fall,
But with her wings,
Both can soar together,
Both get lost together,
Both are safe together,
Both escape together,
Both feel love together,
Both unafraid together,
Both can smile together,
And finally,
Both are released,
Both are free.
618 · Apr 2015
Crowd
Behind the lines,
On every a face -
A story to be told.

The furrowed brows,
Or bags under eyes -
Tell more than just how old.

Is the make-up there,
For looks alone?
Or to hide scars of past?

Is that smile I saw,
A genuine gesture?
Or to keep emotions cast?

Is that child happy,
Innocent and free?
Or hiding his pain from all?

Where are you headed?
With your focussed stare -
Purposefully striding tall.

Do you long to dance?
With your walking stick -
Do you miss the way it felt?

Are you as kind to her,
As you appear to be?
Do you really make her heart melt?

Who is the main character?
The one it all centres around?
Or are we all meant to be,
Just members of a crowd?
607 · Oct 2016
Stand and watch
Stand and watch
As the leaves fall and crumble
As chill takes control

Stand and watch
As all around grow up
As everyone else moves on

Stand and watch
As the future streams past
As the dreams I had scream closer

Stand and watch
As I fall behind
Stand and watch
605 · Apr 2016
Why not?
To only know how to ask,
A question that he can't help but,
Chase after with such light and dark in his eyes,
That won't stay still for long enough to write down.

To only know how to forget,
The questions that he ignores,
And clatters past without balance nor reason,
For the joy of careless haste.

To only know how to speak,
The words self-censored not self-centred,
To shout and scream and giggle at himself,
For no f*ing reason.

To be free-formed and free from self,
J'aimerais être libre!

Yes...
I wrote in French...
Why not?
605 · Jan 2015
Quaternity
Divided opinion,
Conflicting beliefs,
Destroying solidarity,
Heart against head,
Trust against paranoia,
Love against rational thought,
The two factions grow apart,
No longer able to function as one,
In bitter hatred,
They turn against sense,
Then within their own ranks,
Both sides host rebellions,
A second divide,
And now four sub-cultures,
Live within one body,
The heart,
Split between love and fear,
The head,
Split between order and chaos,
But in the end,
Their ideals are the same,
Having all experienced the horror of war,
And the glory of peace,
It would only take the briefest moment,
Of simple reason,
To unite this quaternity,
Into one.
598 · Jan 2017
Amplify
If I was to write an underscore,
For my life, it would be full of changes,
A sea of dissonance with tiny outcrops of safety,
A deep, dark, angry piano,
Broken through briefly with strings,
And a flute to accompany my tears,
As they gently crawled down my cheek,
And there would be sudden key shifts
Leading into bursts of understanding,
And gentle nights of freedom,
Growing slowly into a bright promise of a future,
Filled with solos becoming a wall of brass,
Gaining confidence until I would stand,
And sing alone.
590 · Jan 2015
Look at me
My child, has it been long enough?
Can you see me yet?
For so long, I wait,
To spare you from tears,
I let you move on at your pace,
I ignore my needs,
You need me more than ever now,
So why would I deny you that?
Take my hand,
Remember I am here,
No matter how dark it is,
No matter how well-hidden you are,
I will search for you,
I will find you,
And I will bring you back,
I will let you learn to live without her,
So that maybe you could teach me,
I will support you,
I will avoid the subject,
Or talk it through,
For as long as you want,
As many times as you need,
Just promise me,
You will look at me,
And see me,
Not a replacement for her.
589 · Mar 2016
Illusion
Lying on my back
Watching the stars
In the raindrops on my window
And seeing an infinity
Of darkness but knowing
I am tricking myself
Into some deep hidden wish
That there could be another
Universe within our own
One that no-one else would know
One where I could be alone
And gaze at the stars
For hours
Alone.
588 · Nov 2015
Communication breakdown
Their language,
Which until now,
Had spoken clearly,
Fluently,
Through my mind,
Became jumbled, with the dis-
-connect and confusion,
Normally reserved,
For others.

I stared,
Pleaded for them to,
Unscramble,
Themselves to show,
Me the solution,
To their arrangement,
But still,
Nothing.
588 · Oct 2014
Unnamed child
Eyes that never saw light,
Hands that never held another's,
Feet that never ran,
Mouth that never cried,
Lungs that never breathed morning air,
Heart that never beat for another's,
Ears that never heard,
Tongue that never tasted,
Hair never soaked in autumn rain,
Lips that never kissed another's,
Arms that never hugged,
Name that was never called.

All these parts make up her,
But I can't piece them together,
Without first detaching myself,
From an unnamed child.
This is written on behalf of a friend, who's sister died at birth.
585 · May 2015
Split
This world is split.
There are people who believe in equality,
But they seem to be the minority.
There are people who believe their way is right,
Their traditional views are causing fights,
There are some people who don't care,
Others are unaware,
Despite the millions desperate for,
If nothing else, acknowledgement or,
Maybe one day something more.

But first, an end to the fear,
The irrational belief that when things appear,
Tough, it's the fault of those you don't agree with,
The ones who, maybe, just want to be with,
The person they love without taking,
The blame for everything making,
This ******* Earth weep,
When floods or disasters sweep,
Guess whose fault it is?
The he who fell in love with his smile,
Or the she who wants to carry her child.

Perhaps one day no one will protest,
Because he decided to wear a dress,
Or she chose to confess,
That despite her body she is a woman,
In a world where gender is defined by day one,
It seems unthinkable that his body is wrong,
But why does it matter to anyone else?
Just let her be a girl and keep your judgement to yourself.
Better still stop judging at all,
Because we're all human, it's not your call.

Attitudes are changing,
And talking to the next generation is uplifting,
Because there's a co-operative feeling,
Of acceptance.

It's just a matter of convincing everyone else.
Human rights are for all.
584 · Jan 2016
Shallow form
No meaning is held by light
Beyond shadows, sequence or shallow form
No release may grace the night

And screams my mind for sight
As limbs for rest in brutal storm
No meaning is held by light

As time drips too slow to fight
My eyes from life to numbness torn
No release may grace the night

Blind, I stumble from love into spite
And flail through wire and thorn
No meaning is held by light

But though my life is finite
I will not let them mourn
No release may grace the night

Is there any greater art but to write?
In darker times ink kept me warm
No meaning is held by light
No release may grace the night
581 · Mar 2015
Peacekeeper
The Keeper of Peace,
Holds the keys,
As she shakes the bars,
And begs to leave,
He raises an eyebrow,
And tightens his hand,
She sighs softly,
And sits in the sand,
Stares at the world,
Longs to get out,
Taps on the floor,
And begins to shout:
"I've been trapped in here,
Every ******* day,
But you still don't give a ****,
As long as I stay!"
The Keeper of Peace,
Turned at her words,
Grabbed her wrist through the bars,
And spits, words slurred,
"Whatever you say here,
Doesn't change a thing,
You are the bird in this cage,
And when I tell you, you sing."
He releases her arm,
And blinks off her retort,
A murmur of words,
"*******" all he caught,
With a subtle smile,
And a glint in his eye,
He looks her dead on,
And prepares his reply,

"You know,
For a girl who's supposed to be 'Peace'...
You're awfully moody."

"I'll get out one day,
And when I do,
People like you,
Won't know what hit them."
Well this ended up a little different to how I expected
573 · Jan 2016
Sugar rush
Should we go in?
If we do, I know I'll just say yes,
I'll let them have what they want,
And who knows what could happen,

Then I'm back against the wall,
Forced to make the choice: "Yes"
So in we go.

Then another choice but this time,
I make them decide on,
A cup disguised as harmless,
But there's fire in the ice.
"Yes"

And in but a minute,
Enough is in our veins,
To colour the world,
In rainbows and glitter,

These laughs and trying to,
Stop. But not for long,
Before both in hysteria while,
Confused, strangers pass.
572 · Dec 2014
How I avoid self-harm
Poetry
Music
Sleep
Not really a poem and not really worth posting. This is more if a reminder to me than anything else
572 · Nov 2014
Old me [3]
The old me betrayed,
Offering, wanting the end,
The new me refuses
571 · Jun 2017
Stale Shadows
In stale shadows of night turned early morning
Only the working, weary and weeping move
In silence they carry out their tasks for fear of stirring
Disturbing those at peace
What could be screams are toned down to whimpers choked into bedsheets
No one would know
No one would hear
In the stale shadows of night turned early morning
567 · Mar 2015
Looking back
Our time together,
Passed far too quickly,
But in so little,
You taught me so much,
Some of it bad,
Most of it good,
You showed me,
How to be myself,
Gave me confidence,
Gave me trust,
Proved that I could care,
Proved that I could cope,
You built me up,
To a point where I could,
Lie down next to my mother,
And tell her my secrets,
Secrets I had never told,
That I thought I would never tell,
But needed to be said,
Maybe that time was clouded,
By the arguments and stubbornness,
But you were my first Valentine,
And you made me happy,
I will never forget that,
And what means the most,
Is how you put my happiness before your own,
Even after we were over.

What I'm really trying to say is this:
Thank you.
567 · Mar 2015
Begs to bleed
I scratch at my skin,
It screams,
For more,
More!
It begs to bleed,
The blade is resting,
The corner pressing gently,
Not quite breaking through.

And then the drops fall,
Glistening on my bare arm,
Gently beading and running,
Tracing my veins,
With a shimmering trail to my wrist,
Where my frail bones divert their path,
To fall again,
And soak into the floor.

But mercifully,
The stain on the carpet is not red,
Tears not blood where shed.
566 · Apr 2016
Kindness
Some people need kindness
The storms and burn of life have beat them down
Every turn they take is filled with broken hearts
And minds and lives
Every day demands a sacrifice of blood and tears
But their body is empty.

Some people want kindness
That they've grown accustomed to being given
Without charge or return they want help
And false smiles and sympathy
But they can't lift a finger or open their mouth or wallet
To help the empty.

Some people deserve kindness
Through every whirlwind of pain they kept both eyes on others
Though they fell they would refuse attention
And bandages and pain relief
Until all those around received theirs first
While they empty out their heart on others
And let their own soul suffer alone.
565 · Feb 2015
He stands, eyes closed
He stands,
Eyes closed,
Dreaming,
No,
Fighting with his mind,
In utter peace,
Breathing slowly,
Calm,
Within him,
Nothing but growing warmth,
Pulsing through him,
With every mellow beat,
Of his yearning heart,
Slowly calling,
In a glimpsed moment,
Of panicked caring,
Soon dying down,
Into pure bliss,
As her smile,
Soothes,
Gently,
Embracing his soul,
As he steps forward,
In endless trance,
In hopeful steps,
That hardly dent,
The expansive miles,
That separate their hands,
That keep them,
Longing,
For their eyes to meet,
And share in,
Perfect joy.

Though his eyes are closed,
He finds love that keeps him,
Though unable to compare,
With the day when,
He can let his eyelids rise,
And still see her there.
I have been writing a poem every day for 2 months now :)
562 · May 2015
Calm
Just calm down,
Stop shaking,
Just stop recycling thoughts,
Stop making it worse,
You're not helping,
Keep it together,
Don't,
Let,
The,
Darkness,
Grow,
Too much,
Until I crush myself,
To sleep.
558 · Jul 2016
Fibres
All around is pulled tight,
Strings of panic interwoven,
Wrapped round each other,
Fibres ripping fibres,
Fraying until they break,
Releasing bolts of fury,
Charging the air,
So I can feel it in my skin,
And I can't help,
But close up and shake,
For the stress of those around.
557 · Jan 2015
Can you see it? [Haiku]
My face unchanging,
Keep bitter tears out of sight,
Then escape, my smile.
556 · Jan 2016
I fear not death
I fear not death,
More than any other,
Trial, ordeal, pain of life,
But it has made me weak.

I do not stretch,
To cling with such,
Desperate, frantic fingers,
To a life I could do without.

But I do fear,
That if I am careless,
My departure will break,
My friends beyond hope.

And I have promised,
Not to hurt them,
Anymore.
I've told you now,
Please try to understand,
I'm not messed up in the head,
Or about to go mad.

I know how to block you out,
If you go on and on,
But I'll **** well correct you,
If you get something wrong.

I know that in school,
I'll face insults and mocking,
But I'll just smile and tell you,
No matter how shocking.

I denied to the ground,
And told to the sky,
That you weren't all wrong,
When you asked if I'm bi.

But the suffix here,
Is not what you expect,
Because I'm bigender,
It's nowt to do with ***.

That simple fact,
Will be run away with and grown,
Into something vastly more,
Than what is certain and known.

But I'm free at least,
To just live my way,
Maybe one day you'll accept,
Both me and May
554 · Dec 2015
Scout
I wandered these lands,
And took to the seas,
With the rage of war at my back,
The promise of blood ahead.

I saw wonders,
And the remains of fallen lives,
For millennia,
I searched - futile.

I stumbled aimlessly,
Into conflict I couldn't understand,
And with one shot,
I was killed at evil's hand.
553 · Sep 2018
The Hand of Her Mistress
She waits, outwardly patient, to greet her home
A gentle bow, with a smile that she has rehearsed, but need not
For when her Mistress returns her smile will not be fake
Nor the lift in her spirits
And when she grants her a moment alone,
She longs to feel her Mistress' touch,
Her warmth
Her breath
But she will not overstep, no, she waits - though it pains her - until permission is given
And all the more precious is the hand she cannot hold
The hand she reaches for
Yearns for
But remains a command away
So she waits
For if she is good,
Her reward will be sweet.
Falling.
Falling.
Fallen.
Rejected by his own mind,
Cast down to a lower plane,
All ties severed with hope,
All memories wiped of love,
All knowledge removed of freedom,
All hints unsaid of safety,
He falls, further, faster,
Wings broken,
Lungs crushed,
Heart stopped,
Eyes closed,
But just caught,
As he bursts through empty skies into her arms.
550 · Nov 2016
Hammer
In my eye, the untainted beauty reflects upon -
- crack, crack, crack
A snapping through my skull,
Metal assaults metal
And clashes with any thoughts,
Cut off before they reach -
- crack, crack
It resonates in brutal disharmony,
Tension pulls on tensed
Muscles already on edge,
Eyes blink and unfocus,
Losing clarity with -
- crack...crack crack
I can't keep my -
- crack
Stop! All beauty gone from this -
- *crack, crack
546 · Nov 2016
Soft touch
Shade has a softer edge,
The sunlight can breathe smoothly
Along sepia streets
And gently persuade the dark away.

It will be the shadow's turn
In time, for now light's
Careful nudges
Push back for one more day.

With each climbing and Falling of the sun,
Its rays weaken and tire,
Leaving darkness to
Stay up in the mornings.
540 · Mar 2015
Brainwash
If only to lose,
All of what came before,
If only to remove,
All that poisons my every thought,
If only to prove,
Events not my mind were the cause,
If only to refuse,
To accept another closed door,
If only to choose,
To take my life back from the jaws,
Of self-pity.

If only such a gas as led Vaudevue to take her life,
Could be found for me,
My own M L 5,
To destroy my history.
If you haven't read 'Come on, Come back' by Stevie Smith the last stanza won't make sense
539 · Jan 2017
Criminal Thoughts
Is it a crime to dream
When such fantasies are unreachable?
When perfection eludes reality
Should I reach for it even so?
Only to punish myself,
When the inevitable flaws
Of existence bleed through.
So instead, should I
Concede to fears
And hide my hopes from view?
But when have I
Allowed crimes or logic
To disrupt my course?
Perhaps. just once more,
I can dream pure.
535 · Jul 2015
The Crying Earth
Goodnight,
And sleep,
Be away from the world,
That holds you here,
Away from the ones,
Who hold you dear,
For the night,
Glistens,
With the tears of heavy hearts,
And the lonely sighs,
Of lost youth,
So sleep,
Hide yourself from that,
For as long as your soul can keep,
From breaking,
Until you wake,
In the dark,
And see the crying Earth,
For what it is.
535 · Dec 2016
The Thought That Counts
Unwrapping gifts
Is not all it's about
But this year I know they mean
A little bit more,
This year I open up promises,
Of continued love and honest support,
And in a box of eyeshadow,
I find 12 shades of "Yes, this is okay"
And "You can be pretty"
And around my neck, a brand new scarf,
That goes so well with my favourite coat,
That says "Go on, be our beautiful girl"
"We will keep you warm and safe"
So yes, the family and love are more important,
But those gifts are reminders,
Hope in the dark times,
That I will always have a home,
And parents who love me.
531 · Nov 2016
Auburn
A gentle haze
Trembling through branches
Trickling down with auburn leaves
And speckling the earth
With a lazy yellow
Piercing streams on the ground
Of tiring fire
Warming my blurring eyes
530 · Jul 2015
Long hair, Short temper.
Crushing teeth,
Open mouth,
Compacting until eventually,
Oceans of fear then,
Nothing.
Unless,
This is not the end.
528 · Dec 2015
Ambience
A faint humming,
In the back of my mind,
A song,
A smile,
Embrace,
Ignored simply,
Because it's always there,
Never leaving,
Always holding,
My hand,
But never noticed,
My always forgotten,
Ambience.
528 · Oct 2014
Twice a day
A small pocket watch, keeping time,
Held in his hand, for him to rewind.
Twice a day it said, with care,
The polished metal reflects his stare.
So twice a day, without fail,
He winds it up to hear its wail.
But the wail, it comes from deep within,
As those ever-turning cogs pull his heartstrings.
And that constant ticking, by his ear,
Never fails to produce a tear.
As the sound, it echoes through his mind,
Telling him, "Now! Now is the time."
He tries to lose it, but the chain holds fast,
Pulling him tighter, towards his past.
And still he winds it, as he was told,
With trembling fingers, through the biting cold.
The dark comes closer, with each screaming tick,
And he loses focus, begins to feel sick.
He forgets one winding, takes a moment to breathe,
And the watch is grabbed from him, thrown onto the street.
To his horror, the watch falls apart,
And the chains let go of his heavy heart.
He turns, to face the cause of his release,
But they are gone, pulled by another timepiece
For a year he searches, to find his saviour,
And for a year he fails, to repay the favour.
But at last he remembers, and returns to the spot,
Where he knew there once was a great grandfather clock.
And there he sees her, chained to her despair,
As the pendulum swings back and forth, slicing her through the air.
And in a moment of madness, he attempts to stop time,
Angry at injustice, raging inside.
The pendulum falls, and she is released from its hold,
And his tiny little watch, seems a little less bold.
Then, she runs up to him, plants a kiss on his cheek,
And tells him that she loves him, as his knees grow weak.
And hand in hand they walk away, over scattered cogs and springs,
And both, now free of time's cruel chains, spread their weary wings.
527 · Oct 2014
Find more
I can find more perfect moments,
In one conversation with you,
Than in everything else I've been through.

I can find more joyful feelings,
In an hour together,
Than I could in the rest of my forever.

I can find more nervous heartbeats,
When you hold my hand,
Than in every trial I've had to withstand.

I can find more calm and comfort,
When you hold me tight,
Than in the warmest bed on the coldest night.

I can find more honest concern,
For me and my health,
From you than I've ever had from anyone else.

I can find more words to say,
But I don't have the time,
And to be honest I'm running out of words that rhyme.
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