I did not know
Back then
What you wanted
I watched as you
Had your mind twisted
By the things you saw
On a computer screen
Things you wanted
Me to see too
Me to do to you
But I couldn't
But I let you
Keep watching that screen
And I know
I should have stopped you
But I couldn't
I watched as you
Fell further
Deeper in the darkest
Parts of your mind
I wasn't strong enough
I could've stopped it
But I couldn't
For fear of losing
Another friend
For fear of making
Everything worse
I will always
Blame myself
For the state
You're in now
And the state
You put me in
Because I could've stopped it
But I couldn't
Risk the one constant
That kept me
From going mad
From hating myself
From hurting myself
From killing myself
But I was wrong
You were the constant
That made me
Go mad
Hate myself
Hurt myself
And try to **** myself
And yet
You are still my friend
Because I blame myself
And I have to protect you
Because I'd never
Forgive myself
If you killed yourself
And I didn't try to stop you

You
Killed
My
Childhood
But
I
Forgive
You
And
Blame
Me

With subtle fingers,
Chained to his own piano,
Set free by music.

If I could hide well enough,
Blend in with the blurred sea of unknown faces,
I would leave this place,
So full of memories,
Saturated with reminders,
I would find a way out,
To find a nowhere of my own,
And hide alone,
In a place without past,
I would build a heart to withstand the ages.

But my motionless body stands out,
As all around rush and hurry,
I live in solitude,
Feet planted firm, eyes down,
Streams of haste surround me,
But their flow does not stir my stationary presence,
So in a scene of panic, I am calm,
I am noticed,
I am forced to remain by my own fear to stay,
And my perfect nowhere,
Doesn't seem to be anywhere,
And my history is everywhere,
Wherever I search,
All I find is wall after wall,
As I try to escape my mind.

My frantic dance of repeating obstruction,
Is never seen by those around,
Because, of course, they don't really look,
They see a boy staring at his feet,
But if one person would stop and join me,
They'd realise,
I'm not staring at my feet,
I'm staring into my own eyes,
In the rain-soaked pavement,
And if they looked into them too,
They would see that I am moving,
Not standing still,
They'd see how long I tried,
And how long I failed,
And how many times I tripped up,
But still I haven't quite found,
A nowhere of my own.

He was clever.

I never considered that,
He knew exactly the words to say,
And at precisely what pace.

He convinced me.

That I was normal,
By making himself seem stranger,
Than I could ever be.

He trusted me.

When he needed it,
So that I was obliged to do the same,
When he fed me with lies.

He amended me.

So that I required him,
And couldn't live alone,
Ever.

He destroyed me.

In a single forced kiss,
That I hated so much,
But couldn't bring myself to end.

He broke me.

Without a thought,
Despite claiming to be my friend,
I will never reclaim my heart.

He took me.

For his own,
For him to do with what he wished,
For however long.

I escaped.

But too late.

The old me constrained,
Begging, pleading me for death,
The new me refuses

Remember. remember,
The fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot.

But forget we will,
For worse days still,
Overshadow the whole ****** lot.

In these modern days,
Though we're miles away,
From those old times we almost forgot.

Still hangings and lashings,
Democracies crashing,
And freedom just left there to rot.

My love,
I know you are gone for the night,
Bound by poor battery life,
But I won't be here at morning's light,
So I'll leave you this to make your day bright.

My love,
There is nowhere I'd rather be than with you,
When I'm away our next meeting is what gets me through,
Nothing could replace you, that's the truth,
And I dream of making more memories new.

My love,
I hope you're not worrying about me,
But I know you will, so I hope you see,
That I'm alright, as I walk lonely down the street,
Wishing round the corner you'd be.

My love,
Promise me to try and keep focused,
Whether it's differentiation or the lifespan of locusts,
Don't let my friends get to you if their words are too potent,
Just know our love means more and their attempts are hopeless.

My love,
Tell me when you see this,
And tell me when you get home,
Because that's what gets me through the night:
*Knowing I'm not alone

Oh Parsley, beautiful and green you are!
In you is found such wond'rous flavoured health!
If life did but allow we'd never part,
Together great and vast we'd be in wealth.
The vitamins and minerals would fill,
Our blood and keep us safe from suff'ring then,
Such joy would stay and lift our hearts - such thrill!
And hatred gone forever more amen.
Perhaps one day mankind will know as I,
Perfection grown by mortals here on Earth,
In subtle leaves of fractal form'd design,
And there made clear the reason for their birth.
For now though know that I will always care,
I wait for the day when you are ev'rywhere.

Finally,
Escaped,
Eternally,
Free,
But always,
Afraid,
Of remembering,
Me.

Hopelessly,
Lost,
But that's,
Okay,
I don't care,
The cost,
As long as I get,
Away.

Deadly,
Hands,
I don't need,
Anymore,
Messed up,
Plans,
I've settled my,
Scores.

I'm better now,
Yes,
I've moved on,
At last,
I wouldn't have,
Guessed,
How easily,
So fast.

My breaths are getting,
Stronger now,
My ramblings becoming,
Less jumbled,
My weary legs, however,
Will not allow,
Me to keep running once,
They've crumbled.

The weak points are slowly,
Losing their will,
Over time, I hope,
They'll fade,
I never expected,
That I would still,
Have avoided,
Touching the blade.

Stop

Breathe

Look up

And see

Safety.

In light of the fact you ******* hate me,
Please refrain from your ******* game,
You've made it clear through years of torture,
That disgust runs through your every vein.

In light of the fact you know I'm lonely,
Please stop reminding me every day,
I don't need you to show me a new path,
If it's alright with you I'll just stay.

In light of the fact I've heard your crying,
Don't think I believe your act,
I'm fully aware that you feel emotion,
I was there the day you cracked.

In light of the fact you wish I'd die,
I might decide to do just that,
Would it make you feel so much better?
If my heart's line was finally flat?

In light of the fact I'm sick of your ****,
Could you please shut the **** up?
If only you understood quite how hard it is,
To drink trust from a broken cup.

In light of the fact I've had enough,
Maybe you could leave me alone?
If you let me get on with my crumbling life,
I'll let you get on with your own.

Only you, she said.
Not of anything important but
The importance of that nothing
Raised a veil from my eyes
And light poured in to fill
The void I'd grown inside.

I'm glad, she said.
Not for lack of meaning but
Meaning my lack of
Confidence detracted not from
Her joy and her smiles.

Thank you, she said.
Not just empty breaths but
That each breath I'd emptied
Grinning was matched by one
Of her own brighter moments.

Everything, she said.
And left me, wondering if
All this wondering left only
One truth sealed still
Locked behind her eyes.

Dare I look deeper?
Until even the edges of my mind
Are only you.