I hate myself

This cold piece of steel
Pressed to my skin
Makes me feel alive
Even though I know it shouldn't
I know it shouldn't
So I think
"I don't need this. I am me. I am alive."
And so I cast the metal aside,
And wipe the tears from my eyes
Because I know, that things will better.
Things will get better
For me
For you
For all of us
For good

Here we go, another night tossing and turning in bed.
As always, my mind eventually drifts back to you.
The "what if's" and the "maybe's" start drifting through my head.
But then I inevitably realize that none of that's coming true.
I inevitably realize I had my chance, and now that chance is gone and dead.
I'll never get my chance again,
To be with the girl in my head.
I'll never get my chance again,
To make my dreams come true.
I'll never get my chance again,
To have a lonely little life for two.
Or at least I'll never get my chance again, to have a lonely little life with you.

Here I am again taking a walk through my thoughts,
And somehow always end up going down a path that leads to you.
I guess it’s because you’re a part of me, the same as my skin and bones.
I love you in ways I only have heard of in books, and only thought was possible in fairytales.
You call to me like home calls to a sailor long at sea.
I can’t wait to be home.
Home is with you on a cold winter day.
I’m almost there.

Beauty is a thing seldom seen.
It is held by all within the soul it lies, waiting to come out to the surface, but it can only be found if someone is sharing your soul with you.
Beauty is suppressed by the evils of the world.
Only love can bring beauty out.
Once seen, beauty never hides again.
Not even hatred can deny beauty of it's true design.
Beauty, although possessed by all by few and fewer yet will ever see one of the most beautiful sights - the beauty held by you.

Sitting by the river, looking through my reflection.
I wonder what has happened, what's caused this distance.
I remember sitting right here, while we skipped stones.
I told you I loved you, and I think you loved me too.
But that's gone now, and I wonder if it's for the best.

Time doesn't heal.
Time kills.
Everyday you're being poisoned.
Everyday just a little more.
You may not feel the sting.
But it adds up.
So live while you can.
The young man, the well greased machine, looks upon the old man with jealousy.
For the old man's working days are done.
He has paid his dues.
The old man, the haggard stallion, looks upon the young man with envy.
For the boy is in his prime, his strength, wits, and looks at their peak.
Oh how we love to wish for what we can't have.
Instead of making the most of what we have, while we have it.
It is the second greatest misfortune of our civilization.
If only the people knew the power that which their own minds hold.
Every individual has the power to change the world, but only a select few utilize it.
Yet people still complain about the problems in our civilization.
Every individual has the power to have anything they want.
Yet people are still wishing they had.
Wishing they had.
This is the most preposterous idea ever conceived, that you must wish for.
You most long for.
Instead of achieving our dreams, we wait for them to be handed to us on a platter.
Things do not get better until you yourself make them better.
So with your youth, live and learn.
For there are millions of experiences to be had, and millions of more lessons to be learned.
Remember in life individuality is key.
Too much has the individual been more worried about what his peers or parents think.
This is our civilizations saddest misfortune.
Do what you want to, there are no expectations to live up to.
Do not fret about disappointing others, because in the end, will you remember it?
But if you disappoint yourself, you will never let yourself forget it.
And when your bones start to ache, and your hands start to shake, and your vision gets blurry, and your hearing goes bad.
Do you want to look upon the man running down the street, gears turning flawlessly, pace kept perfect, and think with a grim face "I wish I was his age again."
Or do you want to smile, wave, and continue on about your day, because you've lived too.

I don’t know who I am anymore.
I look in the mirror and don’t recognize whoever is staring back.
I don’t remember the last time I saw myself there.
It must’ve been a long time ago.
I keep asking “what have you done with me?”
Or “what have you done with him?”
But I only get a question for an answer.
Somewhere in my travels, somewhere along the way.
Me and myself stopped, and I guess I decided to stay.
So please help me find him if you could,
I only know the name, I just can’t remember the face.

Love is like a fire
Kindled and fresh
It seems it will never end
The flame grows and grows
It peaks and stays
It is beautiful
But eventually
The flame recedes
The wood is charred
There's no life left
And all that's left is ashes
The memories of what once was
Love is like a fire, but love, like a fire burns out eventually

This isn't a poem.
Before my sister went to prison, she hid a treasure map for me in her room in a place she knew only I would look, the treasure map was in the form of a scavenger hunt around my city to different places where she left mementos of the times we spent together, a picture of us, and a thing to lead me to another place. Today I found the last place, in my own house. Believe it or not this was the hardest one to find, so hard, I spent two weeks looking for it. Once I found it, it was a little box that I had made for her when I was six. I opened the box and in it contained a letter and a black chained necklace. In the letter she apologized for all the stuff she'd done to me in the past, and saying she would be a better sister when she got out.
Seriously Mary,
I love you.

My life was quiet and peaceful
Until the moment you came along.
You were a ghostly silhouette, that walked right through my heart.

The beginning was a picture of happiness
Nothing sad at all
Everyday was wonderful
They were all spent with you

But, as time went on
Feelings began to fade
The days went slower and slower
And eventually you'd said goodbye
But I couldn't believe it was over

Every time I think of those days, my heart aches and swells
So many questions inside my head
About what I could've done to change
But I know whatever I could have done wouldn't change a thing, because you never really loved me anyway.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy
Some people say that's bad
But I don't think that's true
What's bad would be not thinking you're going crazy
Because crazy people don't know they're crazy

You walked around aimlessly, I asked what you were doing.
You looked me in the eye and said "I'm trying to find happiness."
So I got up and helped you look, we eventually fell over on the ground holding each other.
We were laughing together,
And now I know that we did find happiness
It was there in that field with us that day.

I miss you.
I miss you, but I shouldn't.
I miss you, but I shouldn't, because it's my fault you're gone.
I saw you.
I saw you, and it hurt.
I saw you, and it hurt, but it shouldn't have.
I saw you, and it hurt, but it shouldn't have because I should've known better.
I miss you.
I miss you, and I should.
I miss you, and I should, because even though you're gone I'm still in love with you.
I saw you.
I saw you, and it hurt.
I saw you, and it hurt, and it should.
I saw you, and it hurt, and it should because you're with him and not me.
But that's okay.
He's better than me any way.
And you deserve the best.

When I'm laying awake in bed on a sleepless night,
I often think of you.
I think of the way you laughed
The way you cried on the phone with me.
The way when you kissed me while you were smiling.
The way you sighed.
The way you chuckled softly and brushed off a compliment.
But most of all,
I think of the way you made everything I was doing seem better when you were around.

We stargazed.
I pointed out constellations,
You watched in awe
at the wonders of the heavens
and the secrets that they kept
Then I said,
That what's above us,
Isn't nearly as wonderful as you.

I sat within the valley green
I sat me with my true love
My sad heart strove the two between
The old love and the new love

The old for her the new
That made me think of Ireland dearly
While the soft wind blew down the glade
And shook the golden barley

T'was hard, the woeful words to frame
To break the ties that bound us
And harder still to bear the shame
Of foreign chains around us

And so I said the mountain glen
I'll meet at morning early
And I'll join the bold united men
While soft winds shook the barley

T'was sad, I kissed away her tears
My fond arm 'round her flinging
When a foe, man's shot our ears
From out the wild woods ringing

A bullet pierced my true love's side
In life's young spring so early
And on my breast, in blood she died
While soft winds shook the barley

But blood for blood without remorse
I've ta'en to her hollow
I've lain my true love's clay-like corpse
Where I'll fall soon, must follow

Around her grave I've wandered drear
In night and morning early
With breaking heart when e'er I hear
The wind that shakes the barley

Once we were lovers
But some how things have changed
Now we're just lonely people trying to forget eachother's names  
What came between us?
Maybe we were just too young to know  
But now and then I feel the same
And sometimes at night I think I hear you calling my name  
These dreams
They keep me going these days  
Once we were lovers
But that was long ago
We said I love you then
And now we only say hello
What came between us?
Maybe we were just too young to know
But now and then I feel the same
Photographs and memories
All that I have are these to remember you
Memories that come at night
That take me to a better time
Back when I could call you mine
But we sure had a good time when we started way back then
Bedroom talks and morning walks are how I loved you then
Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And out of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

You asked me when me heart went missing.
I told you when my mind did.
I like to think that I loved you.
I like to think that I still do.
I can't tell anymore though, if I'm in love with you, or the girl I once knew.
A lot can change in a year.
But not me.
I'm still that same old record, left on repeat.
I'm that same broken boy, with scratched hands, and purple eyes.
You change personalities like clothes, and I was the only one who didn't know.
In the end we can pretend like I didn't notice the way you brushed your hair off your shoulder, or the way you sighed and stared into space.
But I did.
I miss it.
But I know it's gone now.
I really do wonder if it's for the best.

White clouds simplify existence
Overviewing people from those clouds complicates it.
Living life well is hard to do
When you don't know what it can mean to do it.
Counting stars splinter in the sky,
Confirming that the universe will never vanish

I can already feel the bullet on the roof of my mouth.
I can taste the metal.
It's just the blood that lingers.
Happenings wear down innocence.
Time withers smiles.
They say everyone grows up eventually,
They keep asking when I will.
I've always wondered why people ask questions they know the answer to.
I guess they need to hear someone else say it.
Maybe it's just not real until someone says it aloud.
Maybe you don't know you love someone until you lose them in a crowd.
I think that's the real test
Do you remember what they were wearing?
Do you remember what they look like?
How much time did you spend today looking at them?
It's funny how little you actually remember about someone.
It's funny how much you do too.
I don't remember my mother's birthday, but I do remember what you were wearing the day I met you.
I remember the way you looked up from your coffee and smiled.
I remember your eyes, and how they reminded me of tall evergreens stretching into eternity.
Anything seemed possible when your lips curled into a smile.
I could conquer the world when you curled into my arms.
Even your sighs sounded like they must have been written by some famous composer.
But I guess that's all just love.

Do you remember the day we met?
On that cold winter day in that little coffee shop?
I do.
I remember walking in, you sitting there, waiting for your friend that wasn't coming.
I wonder what you thought when I walked in.
You didn't see me.
You didn't even look up from your coffee.
But I saw you.
You were one of the most gorgeous girls I'd ever seen, even if your hair was a little messy, and you weren't wearing make up.
You were beautiful.
You are beautiful.
I remember going up and ordering my drink.
I remember just looking at you, and wishing I could talk to you.
Then I realized I could talk to you.
There was nothing holding me back.
So I went and asked you if I could sit there, you looked surprised.
It was then I realized while looking into your eyes, that you weren't one of the most beautiful girls I'd ever seen.
You were the most beautiful.
I sat down, and we talked.
It was the worst conversation in the world, but I loved every second of it.
It was perfect.
You were perfect.
I think about that day sometimes.
And then I start to miss you.
I always miss you.
I think I'm in love with you.
I am in love with you.

I sit here in the cold and think of you
I think of winter
I think of that winter
Now this winter is slowly approaching
The closer it gets
The closer I am to you
Like Odysseus in his travels
I have been peregrinating
But now here in the cold I remain
I am not done with my journey
I have not yet returned to my Ithaca
I have not yet returned to my Penelope
I have only just come to an Ithaca
There is no Penelope here
Here it is cold like your hands on my chest that winter
Now this winter is slowly approaching
The closer it gets
The closer I am to you
Like Odysseus in his travels I have met many a muse
But none could compare to you  
Their warm hands tried to warm my cold heart
But they tried in vain
Your cold hands on my chest that winter
Were the only hands that have triumphed
In that monumental task
Now this winter is slowly approaching
The closer it gets
The closer I am to you
Like Odysseus in his travels
I was lost for so long
I’m just trying to find a way home
I was once scared I may never return
And may never be back with you
The only way I could be
Was to think of us that winter
Now this winter is slowly approaching
The closer it gets
The closer I am to you
Like Odysseus in his travels
I have finally set a course for home
When this winter finally arrives
I’ll be back in my Ithaca
I’ll be back with my Penelope
With my muse finally at last
But this winter is slowly approaching
The closer it gets
The closer I am to you
I sit here in the cold and think of you
I just hope I can last

You* think you're boring.
I* think you're the most exciting person in the world.
You think you're ugly.
I think you're the most gorgeous person on the planet.
You think you're stupid.
I think you're a genius.
You think you have flaws.
I think you're more perfect than anything I've ever seen.
You think you're not good enough.
I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
No matter what you think, I'll always think you're amazing.

You might be in love
When you listen  to love songs that never had meaning
And you understand every word
When you feel a warm summer breeze
And it reminds you of them
When you lie awake at night
And wish they were with you
When you're having fun
And you think it would be better if they were there
If you do any of these things
You might be in love