My lips
speak of you no more.

My mind
remembers you no more.

My heart
misses you no more.

Not today,
But one day.

I can't cross
it's the red man.

But there are no cars
no danger
I supposed.

Still I can't cross.
Even though I know
I will survive this,
I can't cross.

It's the red man.

I don't want to cross you
don't wanna cross when it's red,
when you're not ready.

I guess
some things are worth the wait.

Like the green man,
and the security it brings.

So I wait.

I deliberately existed
in your time and space.

I hope to see you, sense you.
I plan the conversations in my head,
Exactly which words to use.

I searched for you
But to no avail.

Just when I turn to give it all up,
Your face appeared
Right at the corner of my turn.

I see you, I sense you.
But the words I planned
Dissolved and gibberish took over
That blank space in my head.

It was a short encounter,
it didn't mean anything at all,
Except that we still have fate and may
Our fate intertwine again.

So tell me what to do
How to cross the barrier
Solve the puzzle
Piece us back together.

Tell me how,
To go back to the past
The days where we were us
When time hasn't pulled us apart.

Tell me,
How not to give up loving if
I lost my right
To always love you.

I look up and I see you
Rising,
Glowing,
Smiling.

I walk on and I feel you
Shining,
Warming,
Caring.

I hide away and I watch you
Radiating,
Persisting,
Supporting.

I promise I won't
ever
take you for granted.

Maybe I romanticise the past.
I deny the quarrels,
Ignore the fights.

But sweet memories happened,
I didn't imagine them to be true.
They are real.

I dreamt that I was a tyre
but I was punctured,
air was escaping.

I dreamt that I was a tank
but I was leaking,
water was draining.

I dreamt that I was a me
but I was crying,
parts of me were failing.

I can't go on
not when I'm hollow.

It's not because
I no longer love you.

It's not because I think
We are not meant to be.

It's surely not because
I am bored of waiting.

But it's because
I replay those memories.

And involuntarily,
I saw the hurt in your eyes.

It's evident though I had missed it previously,
**It's too late to even try.

Tell her you don't mind onions,
that you love latte, movies
and not comics.

Tell her that you like cuddles from behind,
nibbles on your ears,
failed imitation of your dialect.

Tell her you find jealousy cute,
possession ridiculous though,
and alone time is for guitar.

Tell her you love your family so much,
so you would love her too,
tell her not to worry.

Tell her you would like the house clean,
her to cook,
wine to go would be good.

Tell her you aren't a chauvinist pig,
but you feel loved with
tender feminine touches here and there.

Tell her you like to be alone
when you are mad but
you won't leave her.

Tell her you have no favourite colour but
you love flush in the face
and sweet fragrance behind the neck.

Tell her you are loyal,
fiercely faithful, so stubborn
but in a good way.

Tell her about your good morals,
open-mindedness and how she can
bare her heart to you.

I will tell her, not to ever give up on you
like I did, because
I will jump at that opportunity.

It dawned upon me we had never
celebrated Christmas together because
You would indefinitely be
Out of town.

I remembered the vintage cards
you got me for Valentine's though,
those you couriered through a friend,
accompanied with your sweet note.

I still crave, you know.
The basil chicken rice, chicken wings and thai milk tea
at our favourite thai restaurant,
near the lodge.

Are the ponies still there?
I smile thinking back about how I
stopped you in your tracks and irritated you
with my indecisive texts about our adventure.

Man in black 1 2 3 wasn't as
interesting as your sleep talking, really.
"Hug more, more"
But I swear the air con wasn't helping.

Pasta, and the Jolly Shandy
wannabe champagne on your birthday.
Percy pig and working hard for pancakes,
Do these ring a bell?

1993 shirt
Zara perfume
A photo of you driving
That scar on your chin.

Thoughts come and go you know,
it really isn't up to me.
"You haven't met enough guys to conclude"
Your voice echoed.

I am clear, or so I hope to be.
I still know how you like your Subway, and
the Harry Potter name of your dog,
The dog you think of

As frequently as you thought of me.
Friendship. "I tried, and I wasn't comfortable."
I tried too,
Friendship; inevitable.

There are times you succumb to irrationality too?
"Just for tonight"
One night,
One kiss.

I felt it, you know?
I hope irrationality still runs in
your blood and it continues
to boil you to take action, someday.

Against my interests or not
It doesn't matter.
Pathetic self inflicted redemption that kills my
strength and feminism callings.

I thought I burnt my longing for you
along with those stars
and cards and correction tape and money
and your manly diary.

What burnt was passion and
incorrigible stubbornness instead.
Blind faith in fate
Naked trust in love.

This Christmas
I try to give myself a present.
I thought long and hard,

My present is my present.

The grip which holds the collar
of my blouse,

The pull which grabs the lobe
of my ear,

The cringe which squeezes the muscle
of my heart.

There, the rebellious calling to dominate
Refuses to let go.

When I try to miss you
and forget you,

Try to call you
and delete you,

Try to love you
and hate you,

Try to please you
and punish you,

All at the same time.

To think that
Age comes with experience, because
Experience comes with time, and
Time comes with age.

To think that
Love comes from patience, because
Patience comes from strength, and
Strength comes from love.

But also,

Weakness comes with time,
Close-mindedness comes with experience and
Stereotypes comes with age.

Strength comes from within,
Patience comes from maturity and
Love comes from choices.

Time will surface weaknesses
But there is a strength from within.
Experiences may get you close-minded
But your patience will grant you maturity.
With age you form stereotypes
But you will still choose to love.

"AO"
Because I scream my hurt in your name.

"MINE"
Because you did once belong to me.

"GOD"
Because no one else can help me.

I wait for 12mm
to be the first to wish you
Happy Birthday.

I let you hug me
as tightly as you want and
let you let go whenever.

I smile when you say
I look pretty and ignored
you repeating it to others.

I trust that you were looking
into my eyes and
not anywhere else.

I was touched when you
told them to get off me,
You're a gentleman.

I over think,
everything you do and say
because like you said,
I'm silly.

Because it seems
Unbeatable,
Seemingly perfect.

Because I don't remember anymore
Flaws,
If they exist or not.

Because you are like a
Bubble,
Beautiful before burst.

Because reality is not a
Daydream,
Nights do fall.

Because we all need some
Fairytale,
Silly but real.

I feel so small
Feel like I'm falling short.

While you're thinking about how
We could be heroes,
I'm thinking about how
I wanna fall in love again with you.

Vulnerable. Superficial. Immature.

I can't fight it.
I can't get my **** together.

Why do I miss you so?

I've got visitors,
Frequent regular visitors.

They drop by as and when,
sometimes it depends on mood,
sometimes the weather,
sometimes some words that trigger,
sometimes some photos,
sometimes some scents,
sometimes silence.

I can't control the frequencies
nor the intensities.
I can't control how long the stay,
nor how much stays after.
I can't control the mood it brings
nor what follows.

I can't control our memories
They visit me.

I locked it away
Subconsciously.
I didn't want to face it
Nor feel it.

I guess because I knew,
It was too much pain to bear.

You unlocked it
with a double tap.

I peeked into the deepest part
Secretly
I couldn't accept what I found
Nor ignore it.

I tried to lock it back like how I used to
But it was too late.

Those feelings took over me
The pain demanded to be felt.  

Now they take over
My brain
My limbs
My heart.

I'm thinking it was wrong to lock it in
in the first place.

Now I'm caught off guard.
I shiver
I worry
I fear.

Fear not because I'm afraid
I can't find the one.
Fear because he is the one.

Fear,
Because the one doesn't want to be
The One.

The brightest moment today
was seeing an orange moon
and wishing upon it.

Only to realise I wished
to be happy, but not
to be with you.

I guess I finally realise
these wishes aren't the same,
as much as I hope
for them to be.

I'd brace a million nights
with insomnia breathing you.

I'd collide a million experiments
cruising errors to get your trial.

I'd tear a million other lips
for thirst to be quenched by yours.

I'd dissolve a million letters
in acid to crystallise love.

I'd conquer a million dolls
for them as exchange for one.

A million of millions of things
just for one in a million.

Your hands on my back
Each time we cross the road.

Your lips on my cheeks
Whenever you send me.

Your fingers in my hair
That day I got sick.

"Give me a kiss"
You said.
A hand on my breast,
The other on my waist.

But Dad.

Sometimes I forget,
or I think I forget
about us.

It perhaps should be this way.
The better way, growing together
-apart.

But I still feel it sometimes
that non-existent inutile scar,
-aching.

Not for long though, these sour aches
need not nursing anymore,
But just our song.

I wake up
I think of you.

I brush my teeth
I think of you.

I take the train
I think of you.

I get breakfast
I think of you.

I meet my friends
I think of you.

Every part of my mundane life
I think of you.

I think of you.

I know one fine day
I would need to wake up
And let all this go.

But for now,
And these few months,
Maybe these few years...

Let me preserve these feelings,
the hurt
the sorrow.

The good,
The warmth,
The love ( if I may call it. )

In case,
Just in case
You turn back.

The roses
how they cut your teeth.

The note
how you bribed the florist.

The meat
how you earned the money.

The blood
how the meat split.

The gums
how they moved and lied.

The heart
how it surrendered when touched.

All red.

Because you betrayed me.
Stepped on my dignity,
Spat on my sincerity,
Stripped off my individuality.

So no, no more.
Never.