there was nothing profound about me
except
my love
for you

he looked at me
like i painted the ocean blue
like i was the only promise he was meant to keep
like i was the one to throw stardust in the sky and create the milky way

—how do you live up to a reputation like that?

I think your letter is going to be the hardest to write
I am not really sure what to say to you anymore

this
this is
heartbreak

I don’t have enough words
to capture
what it feels like
to lose a man
like you

my best friend
the love of my life
the man I thought I would walk down the aisle to
you were my rock

but what happens when your rock slowly fades away?

you fall.
you fall.
you fall.
and you keep on falling

over and over and over and over and over again

bruised
mangled
and just plain tired

tired of not
being loved
tired of not
being appreciated
tired of not
being a priority
tired of not
being anything more
than a second thought

to think it
was love
was terribly foolish

to think it was love
was exhausting

to think it was anything more than a game
a game
only made for one
and I wasn’t made to be a player

to think
to actually think
I was more than a body

more than a body
that you took
for yourself

you took things
that never belonged to you
that were never open to you

you took them in your hands
like I took a razor in mine

sitting in the tub
tears
hitting the wounds
on my wrists
head hanging
between my legs
listening to the
slow
bang
of my heart
against my ribs
trying to
catch my breath
trying to
stop the blood
trying to
fight for my life

and yet
you were the one hurting
bleeding out
taking your last breath

hello
it is me again.

well, it is the version of me from now
not the old version of me.

I think about you sometimes
I think about how you are doing
how you have changed

I mean you have to have changed
it has been 10 years

I often wonder
if what we had was real

we were so young
but were we really in love?

have you ever wondered
if it was real or just a fantasy?

I kept that gem
purple
rough around the edges
beautiful

I kept it for over 10 years
and I am not really sure why

I guess it was because you Tok my heart first and I thought it was special
that it meant something

and maybe it did
but it doesn’t anymore

and that is where I stand

I meant something
I was special

but that doesn’t mean I am now.

there was a quiet moment in time
well not really quiet,
quite noisy actually--
cars beeping
sirens screaming
traffic hustling
pedestrians walking
people talking
timers ticking
the world spinning--
where I knew.
I could feel it inside every bone that formed the structure of my body
in every muscle that held my body upright
in every tendon.
driving down the street
rain splashing against the wind shield
traffic lights like disco *****
spreading rays of color across your face
Cage the Elephants blaring on the radio
you singing loudly
the bustle of the city surrounding us
but in that moment
in the moment I looked over
and saw you singing to me
smiling
all I could do was smile
all I could do was feel the parade of butterflies rushing through my chest
all I could do was soak in every ounce of that moment
for that was a moment I never want to forget
and as I lay in bed
hundreds of miles away from you
I wish for nothing
but the chance to live that moment
over and over and over again
because how could you not fall in love
while gripping the steering wheel
with your best friend beside you
singing his heart out.
how can you not fall in love with the sound of his voice,
or the way he can hit the high notes.
how can you not fall in love with the way dimples appear
when he is smiling at you.
how can you not fall in love with a man
who tells you 'you are beautiful'
over and over and over again
and not for the sake of having someone around
but because you can feel it
you can feel the love he emits for you
even on the days that are really hard
the days where you feel nothing at all
you can still feel him
shining on you
warming your heart slowly
kissing you from afar
sweet words brushing past your ears
how can you not fall in love with the man who changed
every song you listen to
every movie you watch
every smell that passes through your nose
every thing you touch
every expression
even thought
every book you've ever read
every love story you've ever heard
every dream you've ever had
every single thing about your world
changed by one man
for the better
how can you not call him
the love of your life

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see who I am pretending to be

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I want you next to me

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see that I am lonely

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I can barely breathe

I'm right here
this is me
am I covered by an invisible sheet?

I'm right here
this is me
why am I turning into a memory?

I'm right here
this is me

do you still love me
do you still love m
do you still love
do you still lov
do you still lo
do you still l
do you still
do you stil
do you sti
do you st
do you s
do you
do yo
do y
do
d
di
did
did y
did yo
did you
did you e
did you ev
did you eve
did you ever
did you ever l
did you ever lo
did you ever lov
did you ever love
did you ever love m
did you ever love me

I listened as the winds
whirled through
the window
and they whispered your name
and I began to wonder
what it would be like
to be wonderfully
in love
with you

yes
you can kiss me
but your ivory teeth might clash against mine in the heat of the moment

yes
our bodies can rock to the rhythm of the same song
in the early hours of the morning
if you promise to sleep next to me through the afternoon

yes
we can waltz in the kitchen
while making dinner
as long as we make this a nightly tradition

yes
you can love me forever
but you can't change your mind
halfway to forever

I look at my clothes,
and I remember you.
I see an old notebook,
and I remember you.
I look to the stars,
and I remember you.
I look in the mirror,
but I no longer see you.

I sit in my car snow panging like rain
waiting for you to send your fatal mistake
I cry and I cry head hitting the horn
realizing that I am mentally scarred
breaking down in my little red car
you sent me a message of your long written scar.

am I beautiful yet?
tears are streaming down my face
my hip bones are protruding through my skin
my stomach talks to me in my sleep

am I beautiful yet?
my clothes are falling off my body
energy is slowly draining
my bones ache

am I beautiful yet?
my mind is filled with taunting thoughts
the cold seeps deep between the wrinkles of my brain
my heart murmurs your name in the dead of night

am I beautiful yet?
I did this all for you
for you to see me different
I hope I look different

so, do I look different?
do I look beautiful?
am I beautiful yet?

To my body that I desperately wanted to disappear
That I tried to shrink
That I yearned to transform into an impossible weight

To my body that I refused to call home
That I hated more than I used to hate the color yellow
That I wanted to get rid of

To my body that made me feel like I was never enough
That kept me alive, even though I wanted so badly for it to die
That I have covered in scars and tattoos in hopes of making it more beautiful

To my body that I am trying to ****—
I am sorry.
I am sorry for not loving you as I now love the color yellow
I am sorry for trying to make you disappear
I am sorry for making you scarred
I am sorry for the pain I have put you through
I am sorry for the tears you have shed over how you appeared in the mirror
I am sorry for trying to bury you away deep into the earth rather than helping you thrive on the face of it
I am sorry for waiting this long to say--I am sorry.

The moon comes up
every night
silently patiently waiting for me
to come outside and listen
to the lowly whisper
of the very first night
that it ever rose
up into the sky
it keeps replaying that same
lonely night
when there was nobody around
nobody in sight
nobody making a sound
so the moon began to howl
it wasn’t the wolves
it was the moon
from above
crying from the lack of love
so the next howl you hear late in the night
go outside
listen through the night
listen to the story
from long ago
from before the very first fallen snow
because how would you feel to be all alone
with nowhere
to call your home

They came up to the casket
some of them just passed it
I barely recognized who they turned into
some said goodbye
some said see you soon
others whispered
I should’ve been there for you.
When a young person dies
everyone tends to realize
just how precious this life is,
but why because of this?
Why because I died
did you all realize
that we should watch our words
watch our actions
and even the lack thereof.
I’m sick of seeing people
I never even met.
How wrong is it that I am here
laying on my back
being showered by love
and loss
and hope
and brokenness
when I barely got acknowledged when I was alive?
I am sick and tired of seeing the young ones die because our words are too strong
and our hearts too hard
and our actions misleading
and our voices deceiving
and our intentions skewed
and our patterns all new
and our society demanding everything we have.
I am sick of the view
from the coffin in lot B
of the cemetery off county road 43.

I am a sunflower
I am the Son’s flower
radiant
glowing
pollinating the earth with the seeds of joy

I am a sunflower
I am the Son's flower
mighty
growing
bending but never breaking under the strength of the wind

I am a sunflower
I am the Son's flower
repopulating
rejuvenating
regrowing a generation focused on self-growth rather than world-growth

I am a sunflower
I am the Son's flower
shedding tears for the hopeless, feel, and the weak
for the ones who don't have the strength to grow
for the ones who need just a tad more sunshine
for the ones surrounded by drought
I shed tears in hopes of giving them joy, hope, life, and happiness again

I am a sunflower
I am the Son's flower

Your lips were sweet as honey
and cold as ice.
I wanted more but knew the tragic reality
that I could no longer reminisce in the sweetness they bestowed
and the chill that lingered long after.

Did you fall in love with me,
or the idea of me?
Did you fall in love with my heart,
my brain, my eyes?
Or was it my lips,
my legs, my hips?
Did you fall in love with the way my hands fit into yours?
Or the way your name rolled off my tongue?
Did you fall in love with the way I whispered sweet nothings in your ear?
Or how my breath smelled like peppermint?
Did you fall in love with
who you thought I was?
Who I was in the beginning?
Did you fall in love with the idea of loving me?
Did you plan this all along?
Did you fall in love with me
while you were waiting for someone else?
Did you even fall?
Did you even fall in love with me a little bit, at all?

Your tongue like a knife
carved into me,
digging deeper and deeper
with every jab.
Taking the most important pieces,
my heart, my lungs, my mind,
holding them for ransom
until there was nothing left for me to give,
you had my everything.

I had the blade in my hand
waiting for my life to end.
I had already given up
so what was one more cut?

One more cut along my wrist,
down my leg,
or across my ribs.

I could barely feel it anymore
my body was already tired and worn.

Just one more cut would do the trick
they all felt like needle ******,
except this one,
this one felt like it weighed a hundred tons.

The blade shifted in my hands
and tore through all the ***** bands
that covered the lines that marked up my wrists.

My head grew heavy
my feet slid across the floor
someone was banging on the bathroom door.

Blood dripped on the ground
and all the sound faded out.

Because I was a coward
I got to live another day,
and that was the sign it was time to change.

I packed away the blade,
the bandages,
and the first aid.
They will never see the light of day.

All thanks to you
I am purple and blue.
Purple and blue.
Purple and blue.
Oh, but you knew,
I hated those colors-
purple and blue.
It was fun for you
but I hope you know,
I hated you, too.
You, you, and most of all,
the purple and blue.
Oh, what I would do
to make you know what it was like
to always be
purple and blue.