there was nothing profound about me
except
my love
for you

he looked at me
like i painted the ocean blue
like i was the only promise he was meant to keep
like i was the one to throw stardust in the sky and create the milky way

—how do you live up to a reputation like that?

I think your letter is going to be the hardest to write
I am not really sure what to say to you anymore

this
this is
heartbreak

I don’t have enough words
to capture
what it feels like
to lose a man
like you

my best friend
the love of my life
the man I thought I would walk down the aisle to
you were my rock

but what happens when your rock slowly fades away?

you fall.
you fall.
you fall.
and you keep on falling

over and over and over and over and over again

bruised
mangled
and just plain tired

tired of not
being loved
tired of not
being appreciated
tired of not
being a priority
tired of not
being anything more
than a second thought

to think it
was love
was terribly foolish

to think it was love
was exhausting

to think it was anything more than a game
a game
only made for one
and I wasn’t made to be a player

to think
to actually think
I was more than a body

more than a body
that you took
for yourself

you took things
that never belonged to you
that were never open to you

you took them in your hands
like I took a razor in mine

sitting in the tub
tears
hitting the wounds
on my wrists
head hanging
between my legs
listening to the
slow
bang
of my heart
against my ribs
trying to
catch my breath
trying to
stop the blood
trying to
fight for my life

and yet
you were the one hurting
bleeding out
taking your last breath

hello
it is me again.

well, it is the version of me from now
not the old version of me.

I think about you sometimes
I think about how you are doing
how you have changed

I mean you have to have changed
it has been 10 years

I often wonder
if what we had was real

we were so young
but were we really in love?

have you ever wondered
if it was real or just a fantasy?

I kept that gem
purple
rough around the edges
beautiful

I kept it for over 10 years
and I am not really sure why

I guess it was because you Tok my heart first and I thought it was special
that it meant something

and maybe it did
but it doesn’t anymore

and that is where I stand

I meant something
I was special

but that doesn’t mean I am now.

there was a quiet moment in time
well not really quiet,
quite noisy actually--
cars beeping
sirens screaming
traffic hustling
pedestrians walking
people talking
timers ticking
the world spinning--
where I knew.
I could feel it inside every bone that formed the structure of my body
in every muscle that held my body upright
in every tendon.
driving down the street
rain splashing against the wind shield
traffic lights like disco *****
spreading rays of color across your face
Cage the Elephants blaring on the radio
you singing loudly
the bustle of the city surrounding us
but in that moment
in the moment I looked over
and saw you singing to me
smiling
all I could do was smile
all I could do was feel the parade of butterflies rushing through my chest
all I could do was soak in every ounce of that moment
for that was a moment I never want to forget
and as I lay in bed
hundreds of miles away from you
I wish for nothing
but the chance to live that moment
over and over and over again
because how could you not fall in love
while gripping the steering wheel
with your best friend beside you
singing his heart out.
how can you not fall in love with the sound of his voice,
or the way he can hit the high notes.
how can you not fall in love with the way dimples appear
when he is smiling at you.
how can you not fall in love with a man
who tells you 'you are beautiful'
over and over and over again
and not for the sake of having someone around
but because you can feel it
you can feel the love he emits for you
even on the days that are really hard
the days where you feel nothing at all
you can still feel him
shining on you
warming your heart slowly
kissing you from afar
sweet words brushing past your ears
how can you not fall in love with the man who changed
every song you listen to
every movie you watch
every smell that passes through your nose
every thing you touch
every expression
even thought
every book you've ever read
every love story you've ever heard
every dream you've ever had
every single thing about your world
changed by one man
for the better
how can you not call him
the love of your life

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see who I am pretending to be

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I want you next to me

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see that I am lonely

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I can barely breathe

I'm right here
this is me
am I covered by an invisible sheet?

I'm right here
this is me
why am I turning into a memory?

I'm right here
this is me