i n e e d you

i cannot B R E A T H E without yo
                                                              ­      u

it h
      u
         r
            t
              s

                               *             *              *      
                                     *          *        *      *
            it's such a    *        beautiful      *              pain
                                    *        ­ *                *
                              *            *  ­         *              

too many words jumbled up in my head
i cannot think s         r               i               h
                          t              a           g                  t

i've been thinking too MUCH

h
    e

l
  
    p

oh god i'm ******* screaming
but you won't listen

that agonizing pain in your chest
teardrops forming puddles on the bathroom floor
biting down on your hand or a towel or anything
to keep from making a sound
your body trembling and shaking
and you're surprised you just haven't given up yet
the scars already on your body pulling you in
and urging you to just rip open your skin
but there's that promise you made
the promise you can't break
no questions asked
so you cry until no more tears come out
but by then you're throwing up
because you cried so hard
and all you want to do is scream
but you can't
so you pick yourself up
and when you look at yourself in the mirror
you're not that surprised at how broken you look
then you practice your fake smile
try to splash your face with cold water
to try to make it look like you weren't just falling apart
and then you open up the bathroom door
hoping that there isn't someone on the other side

i heard you talking about me
talking bad about me
you've always done that as long as i can remember
and they just agree right along with you
apparently, i isolate myself too much
i'm always in my room
never leaving to spend time with family
but maybe the reason i isolate myself
is so i don't have to spend time with people who hurt me
then pretend they did no such thing
i'm not stupid
i'm not deaf
i hear what you say
and i've never felt so disconnected
i don't want to be part of this family
and i get it
some people don't even have a family
some people never had that
i get it so don't come over here and argue with me
but this is my life
my pain is real and you have always made fun of it
making a joke out my self-harm scars
pretending i was never in pain
you really think that will make me stop?
it only makes me want to do it more
isn't it a shame that i have to quickly dry my tears when i hear you coming
so you don't yell at me for having an emotion every human has?
isn't it a shame that i have to fall to the floor in pain
wanting to hurt myself so bad because of the words you say?
isn't it a shame that for the past 4 years of my life
i've wanted to die or run away because of you?
isn't it a shame that i feel no love for you anymore?

you had to go
and you looked so sad
it broke my heart
tears formed in my eyes
because you told me
your life is ****** there
and i just want to
pick you up off the ground
kiss all your broken pieces
and heal them with my love
i want to make you happy
i want to give you
the best life i can possibly give you
i want to start our life together
and it will be so amazing
i know the distance *****
but it will be so worth it in the end
and i want you to always remember
i'm with you
no matter where you are
i'm right there with you
i want to hold your hand through all this
and help you through it
i want to love all of you
i want you
i need you
i love you so ******* much
never forget that

i need a break
so please take me away from here
take me somewhere far

let me forget about this life
i'm in too much pain
too much to handle
i need to breathe
i need to feel free

take me somewhere beautiful
where the sun shines down on me
and take me on a car ride
on a long open road

put the top down
so i can close my eyes
and outstretch my arms like wings
taking off and flying
i will become one with the wind in my hair

take me to the ocean
and i'll catch up with the waves
tell them how much i missed them
and we'll laugh about the last time we met

take me to a field of wildflowers
where i won't be able to leave
i'll lay down right in the middle of them
and become friends with all the insects
because just like them
i love the flowers too

take me stargazing
laying in the back of a pickup truck
with millions of stars staring back at us
we'll have so many blankets and pillows
and i will wish i could be part of the sky
so much it will bring tears to my eyes
and you won't understand that
because i can't explain
it just reminds me of how much
i want to get out of this place

take me to the forest
and i'll lay right there on the ground
staring up at the trees hoping it rains
because then
i'll feel so close to where i came from

take me to an apple orchard
because i feel like i belong
and i can't really explain that one
just know i love being among the apple trees

take me to a cabin in the middle of the woods
away from the whole entire world
and show me what it's like to love me
leave your mark on me
and i will be floating

take me to a vacant playground
and watch me swing on the swingset
reminiscing about being young
sweet nostalgia
watch me touch the clouds

i just need a break
so please take me away from here
somewhere i can feel free