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2h · 29
Spring Cleaning
Kay P 2h
To throw away:

The hammer pants I wore
the day we met in person,
faded pattern and hole in knee
you said you would patch
for the memory

10 greeting cards signed by me
for Valentine's, birthday, anniversary.
21 post-it notes with "I ❤️ U"
once hidden around our bedroom
reminders from me, to you.

3 Greeting cards, scribbled by you
2 Given late, 1 on time
asking for *** on Valentine's

The set of knives and cutting block
to you for Christmas, rusted through
you soaked but never washed.
The owl mug, your first gift to me
that fell from my desk, handle broken
tossed instead of lost.

The practice leggings, now too loose,
stretched, and not your size
you "borrowed" and continued to wear
ignoring they were mine.

To wash, febreeze, rest and reset:

The jacket I bought for me,
that became yours when you arrived,
sans winter clothes,
donated, now. Surprise!

The mattress we bought together,
After I cried and begged for hours,
The box spring my then-bestie donated
to me, but you claimed was "ours"

The soft, memorable fabric, on which
I wanted no one else to sit,
my Poppy's Lay-Z-boy,
about which you threw a fit.

The car I gained when I kicked you out,
that I keep cleaner than you would.
My space, my heart, my dignity,
my house and personhood.
November 27, 2024
3h · 22
Reacquainting
Kay P 3h
I message the girl I love
     "I miss writing poetry"
I miss the way syllables
     and sounds orient themselves
A line dance I haven't done
    in years, but know the steps
A sleeper agent to the way
    that used to be the only way
Back when my feelings were opaque
    and dusty, indiscernible
Before I knew what anger was
    without heat and fear
    and raised voices
Before I knew safety as something
    permanent, more tangible
    than ghosts
Once, poetry was my first language
    prose second, RP third,
A way to communicate without speech
    without uhms and uhs
Before I learned to ******* my way
    through public speaking
Poetry
    A line and feeling, a dance
    Syllabic sign language
I message the woman I love
    "I miss writing poetry"
Pick up a pen
    and write.
October 30, 2024
Apr 2018 · 445
Lead.
Kay P Apr 2018
It exists just to be used
Softened lead and wood the color of sunshine,
On a clear summer day at noon,
Sharp to be dull to be sharpened again,
Cut to be cut to be cut again,
Long, for the purpose of being shortened
Shortened, short
Made to waste away, to sacrifice,
simply to make its mark, your mark,
A mark that will never be its own
What do you own when you are simply a conduit
Of other ideas?
An implemented utensil made to hold,
To shape thoughts, to make words,
To make worlds,
Smooth as soft grass beneath flattened palms,
Light enough to flick between fingers,
A soft hand, a trailing finger, a lover’s touch,
Round and round, and then round again,
Here, then there, unthinkingly,
As your focus trails over…
And doubles back,
Before crystallizing, your tool suddenly held firm,
As you spin your tales, your worlds, your words,
Then pause, and look, your thoughts made tangible,
Your tool a stake, a spear, a weapon when needed,
Sharp and dangerous, ready,
A pike, a sword, a dagger,
Able to communicate the sharpest words, the harshest touch,
A slap, a hit, hard, and heavy,
Smarting like a bruise just found, just poked, just pushed against.
A tool, a weapon, a builder, a revolutionary,
With just the barest hint of pink, of regret, of dissonance,
To stop.
Your trailing words, your tirade, your letters of love to leave,
Second guessed and sectioned off and sacrificed successfully,
Erased from all of history,
Transformed, at once, to nothing.
September 27th, 2017
Apr 2018 · 2.9k
Prayer Emoji
Kay P Apr 2018
My last long distance relationship was with YaHWeH
And we’re on break
But when I can’t help myself
I drunk text him
Thumbs fumbling like they’ve forgotten
Keys I used to know with eyes closed

“Why do you give me emotions
If they are only going to be doubted?
Invalidated continuously?
What would it be like to feel something
Without being punished?
Prayer emoji, prayer emoji,
Cry emoji, upside down smile.”

And when the emotional puking is done
And I’ve resigned myself to silence
And acid green Listerine
The universe chimes
“One new message.”

Taking a deep breath,
Pushing down apprehension
And the nauseous excitement
Of a boy texting back
Read.

“They are not always thus.
Each time someone was there
In your corner,
Maybe not the most voices
Maybe not the loudest
But there.

You are the master of your destiny, Love
The master of your punishment
You do not have to feel punished
You are rejoice made flesh.”
Peaceful smile, peaceful smile
Kiss emoji.”

I pause, reading it once,
Then twice,
Swallowing then nodding
Keys now vaguely familiar.

“Sometimes I forget.
Shy emoji, shrug emoji,
Monkey covering eyes.”

“God is typing……”

“That is what I’m here for.”
Kiss emoji, smile emoji
Blushing beaming smile.”
December 6th, 2017
Apr 2018 · 643
I Don't Like You.
Kay P Apr 2018
I don’t like you.

You’d think that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but honestly?
I’m not that type of person. I won’t pretend that I’ve never
Disliked someone before. I dislike plenty of things, and people
Tend to be on the list, when they’re tiresome. And you, man
You are tiresome to the next degree.
Like a project worked on all semester only to be told that it’s been cancelled
Tiresome like a conservative christian in a debate about homosexuality
Tiresome like a gun toting person demanding their right to hold weapons
While also taking away the right to speak out against them
Tiresome like all lives matter. Tiresome like our president.
Tiresome like another person killed because they look like me.
Tiresome like writing a poem about you instead of about any of that.

I don’t like you.

The funny thing is, you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
And I mean, that’s not your fault. When it comes to communication, hey
I haven’t been forthcoming. I’m not forthcoming when it comes to that, and you know?
I’ve been working on it, sort of. It’s comes in starts and stops
But **** when you’re recovering and meet a person like you,
Honey boo, listen, it’s a lot to deal with
I have my own **** going on, I have my own problems
And you know? I’m only asking for some authenticity

I don’t like you.

You don’t have to put your whole life out there, but if you say you’re jaded
And you say that you want to keep it to yourself, and I respect that
But then you go and blurt it all out anyway?
Jaded? Honey that’s not jaded. Jaded is holding yourself back from everyone you know
Jaded is not telling your mother, not telling your best friend,
not telling people who’ve known and understood you for years,
Jaded is trying to tell people and not being able to, your words
Caught.
Frozen in a throat that wants nothing but to be understood.
Jaded is opening up a little bit to only to find firm and instant regret
Jaded is arguing with yourself over every. single. word.
Honey, you’re not jaded
If anything you’re glassed.

I don’t like you.

I don’t mean to discount your trauma, your hurt, no, not at all
Your pain and emotions are valid, just like mine, and hers, and ours,
But god, god you don’t make it easy do you?
Trauma is not a one way ticket into the cool kids club, alright?
We didn’t want to be this way, we don’t flaunt it
I don’t want your meager tumblr-style fourteen year old
edgy emotions with your Three Days Grace hat and your Slipknot hoodie
And your “no one understands me”

I don’t like you

And come on, man! I even like those bands! I still listen to them!
Three Days Grace and Slipknot and everything from that phase is still strong
It still has weight, words have power, but you, you you you
You have the power to take even the most amazing thing, the most powerful
The most pleasing and peaceful and transform them into something
Troublesome. And tiring. And overdone. That’s you
And I’m sorry, I am, I’m sorry that I’m reacting like this
I swear that since highschool I’ve been better at snap judgements
But I took a chance on you and you shat on it, man
You ******* took my chance and tossed it in the garbage compactor
With your low budget, discount, B Movie Teenage Angst
That still has the audacity to be hurt by the Oscars “not noticing you”

I don’t like you.

And this isn’t an attention thing, okay?
I am a huge advocate for seeing people doing things for attention, and giving them that
Because that’s a cry for help, that makes sense
Looking for understanding, that makes sense
But god, to do it and then shun those who try to relate
To do it and then look down your nose
To do it and then turn your back
To do it and then flick your hair and say “you guys wouldn’t understand.”

I don’t like you.

And the thing is, when I have problems?
When I don’t like things, when I get uncomfortable
I fix them, I make progress, I take steps
But with you? Sweetie no,
I don’t want to try with you,
I don’t want to fix this with you
I don’t want to deal with you

I don’t like you.
October 11th, 2017
Kay P Nov 2017
1.  “Redbone” by Childish Gambino
       *From the album “Awaken My Love!” circa 2016

There is something here of the generations
My mother used to hold me to her chest
And play songs that sounded a lot like this one
A string of notes and a backbeat that could lead a war
That old time sound of a desperately truthful falsetto
Of loves and lusts lost and almost lost

        2. “Ribcage” by Mary Lambert ft Angel Haze
        From the album “Heart on my Sleeve” circa 2014
I’ve always had a penchant for clever lyrics and simile
Self titled Queen of Metaphor circa 2008
This one is a heartbeat, trapped in a cage of craving bone
With vulnerable voices raised in honest harmony
Then comes the rap Angel, spitting psalms of poetic pleas
Desperate to be understood when words work no longer

3. “HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T” by Fall Out Boy
From the album “Mania” circa 2017
A love song about holding memories like mists in tight fists
A distance insurmountable between two linked chains
It’s the point where numbness reaches its peak,
But you remember the all consuming wave of emotion
The way a child who has lived their whole life in the desert
Remembers being born at sea

4. “The Good Part” by AJR
From the album “The Click” circa 2017
This is where you are when you’ve reach three fourths completion,
A 2pm existential crisis, an out of body stress headache
A melancholy look back at all you’ve achieved,
A Pride in the journey, when you’ve still got miles before the finish line
Weeks of hard work, all in an unending line,
A tired request to flip to the Happily Ever After

5. “Maybe IDK” by Jon Bellion
From The Album “The Human Condition” circa 2016
This is the finale of an existential nightmare,
The part of dissociation where the world comes back into focus,
When you talk your brain into circles to get back to sense,
This is the sigh of relief when your questions stop spiraling
Like living through a hurricane, hands clasped, eyes closed
Coming outside, and seeing the sun

6. “Once in a Lifetime” by Talking Heads
From the Album “Remain in Light” circa 2005
Finally, the return of your mind, the tingling of overthinking
Come to rest. This is the feeling of everything being “alright”
When you haven’t been alright since two years old. This is
The temporary “back to normal”, the frequently pressed reset,
Button that makes you function again, when you know
Deep down, you’re an iphone four years out of date
For Zach,
When the panic gets too much, and the future seems insurmountable,
Give this a listen. Maybe it will help.
If it doesn’t, at least you have some new songs to listen to. :)
Kay

November 29th, 2017
Sep 2017 · 273
Genesis
Kay P Sep 2017
God said “Fight.”
and I’ve been raising my fists
since before I knew to say
“My Father who art”
I’ve got bruises between my knuckles
that only ghosts can see
Soul deep black eyes
And dislocated shoulders
Busted lips and
“Hallowed be thine”
Spat with blood and broken teeth
Black and blue beneath skin
That’s never been marred
“Thy kingdom come”
With kicks and low blows
Breaks in spiritual bones
“The Lord told Abraham”
Too wild to recognize
Too lost to “Go”
The Lord said “Fight"
and I’ve been waiting for my Seventh Day
28th May 2017
Sep 2016 · 558
chauma
Kay P Sep 2016
what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
what am I now, what am I
alone and sad and

look at what you’ve done to me
look at these scars no one can see
what am I now, what am I now
look at these scars no one can

I wish I could tell you how I’ve changed
I wished someone would see
I wish I was something else
I wish I could show you how I’ve

I don’t know who I am right now
I don’t know who I was
Before you did this to me
I don’t know who I was

what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
I wish someone could see my scars
what am I now, what am I
Kay P Sep 2016
“Are we dreaming?”
He moves like a power surge, slow then suddenly. Lips on my jaw, lips on my throat. The sheets are smooth beneath our feet.
Are we dreaming?

“Is this real?”
He moves like a question. Hands on my hips. Gentle, gentle. Don’t wake - Don’t wake us. I sigh against his lips.
Is this real?

“Relax.”
His fingers on my cheek, his nose against my own. His eyes are closed, his smile soft, soft, soft. I melt.
Relax.

“This is a dream.”
His voice is sure, his laugh sideways. He’s made himself his punchline. His arms orbit, his forehead warm on mine.
This is a dream.

“It’s okay.”
His whisper quakes. For me, for him. He is pinks and blues in rising light. His eyes on me the softest plea.
“It’s okay, we’re dreaming.”
Sep 2016 · 324
Vent
Kay P Sep 2016
Write it in pen, write it in pen
You can’t take it back if you write it in pen

Say it out loud, say it out loud
You can’t hide from it if you say it out loud

Think of it more, think of it more
You can’t run from it if you think of it more

Tell your best friend, tell your best friend
You won’t be alone if you tell your best friend
Jul 2016 · 342
sleepsong
Kay P Jul 2016
i.
he calls you soft, and you tremble
he calls you soft, and you quake,
he calls you soft, and you shatter
he calls you soft, and you break

ii.
you are sunlight. you are bright.
you are the breeze. you are the flight.
you are shivers. you are sweat.
you pray to remember. you pray to forget.

iii.
she smiles. you are lost.
your fingers tangle. there is no cost.
she whispers. you tilt your head.
you bite your lip. it remains unsaid.

iv.
you are alone. you don't mind.
you are alone. you want to cry.
you are alone. you've had much worse.
you are alone. the poet's curse.
July 10th, 2016
Jul 2016 · 494
Discussion 7/8/16
Kay P Jul 2016
I. Honey Whiskey

her eyes are too dark, but they burn when she thinks of them. everything burns, her chest, her face, her skin.s he can’t imagine what it would be like, to have her skin flush with hers in ways that weren’t so innocent. she can’t meet her eyes anymore without feeling her torso heat like she’d just downed a shot.

II. Prism

“despair is a prism.” she can’t see her, but she remembers the way her eyes get, like she’s looking at something too far away to see clearly. “you need it to see that sunshine isn’t just grey, it’s every color of the rainbow, stacked on top of each other.” it’s hard to stay too sad when she spouts things like this, without warning and completely unprovoked.

III. Chlorine Thighs

they’d never actually been in a pool together so this had to be a dream. sunlight streamed through her hair like the water did, and she’d blame that for the shivers down her spine whenever their eyes met. She was babbling about something, anything, trying to keep her frame of mind, derailed by even the slightest giggle. she didn’t mean to dream them so close together, but her laughter filled the air, and they were nose to nose, and she smelled like chlorine. she woke before she knew if she tasted the same.

IV. Headlights

she’s afraid of driving, and claims she’s a better copilot. it hurts her heart to heart to hear it, sweet indulgent pain. she’s tying to remember to keep her eyes on the road and only letting herself glance over every so often. she looks beautiful in the flashes of her periphery vision, and as their voices rise in accidental harmony, she can’t help but glance over for a bit too long, memorizing the moment. eyes closed, lips parted, head tilted back… she looks like a vision. she almost forgets that green means anything more than being able to see her better.

V. Refuge

she hadn’t meant to cry. it was obvious in the way she stood, in the way she held herself a bit too upright, moved with too much purpose. she remember the way she’d stared at the ceiling as though breathing was too much, the way she didn’t even seem to see the things she was doing. she hadn’t known what to do besides hold open her arms, and then it had began. she held so tightly it was like she didn’t believe she was real. her breath came out all at once, and then she was breathing too quickly, hitches and gasps and small little shivers that only made her hold on her tighten further. her breath was warm against her shoulder, her fingers ****** in her shirt, and she was content to stand here, solid, safe, and wait for her to collect herself. no matter how long it took.
July 9th, 2016

I should title this one "pronouns are confusing"
Jul 2016 · 382
Deafened am I
Kay P Jul 2016
Deafened am I, by the screeches of familiarity

for here I am, a man
a woman, a girl, a boy,
silent are your cries for change,
deaf am I to the monotonous yelling
you want change. I have changed
details, insubstantial, minuscule,
deaf to your judgement and lies
unable to hear your disappointment
I cannot hear your subtle cues
your doubt and leading questions
I cannot bear your curiosity
searching for what you’ve missed
missing your oblivious admirer
I am no longer she
July 8th, 2016
Jul 2016 · 444
High Priestess II
Kay P Jul 2016
He says she’s changed.

Gone are the days when their fingers touched with same sparks that sent fireworks skyward. Gone are the days where they’d send spells into the sky on the fourth, dangerous, daring, delusional, promising that everyone expected fireworks anyway. Gone are the days where she would stare into his eyes and dream of lips that tasted like freedom.

She looks at him with sadness now. She’d gotten out. She’d beaten the high that filled her whenever she grabbed hold of the universe, and forged it like iron between her fingers. She was naturally strong, he was naturally talented, together they had been the A team.

But she’d left. She’d shook her head and stepped back and ignored the magic at her fingertips, even when he brought in their other friends. Even when he built his little coven. Even when he extended his hand and smiled like sparks in the dark. Even when his eyes promised forever.

The weather is hot and humid, like the memory of shared gazes and sweaty palms. He hugs her like a question. She hugs him like a farewell.

She looks into the summer sky and imagines she can see heaven.

She pleads with her God on hands and knees with gasps and sobs and shaking.

*Save him.
Please please please please
Save my best friend.
July 4th, 2016
Jul 2016 · 509
High Priestess
Kay P Jul 2016
I.
It feels like an itch beneath her skin, like static electricity, like all her hairs on end, and she loves it. She knows that if she would only spread her fingers and say the words, she knows that if she were to close her eyes and open them again, the world would be in colors that no one else could see. She knows that if she would only let it free, it would spark and be euphoric-
her hand clenches into a fist. she ignores it.

II.
Her spellbooks are stacked haphazardly in boxes and her shelves are full of YA fiction. She does not go into the attic anymore. She lets them collect dust. She does not pour over old latin phrases or study greek for any other reason than to read Homer. She concentrates on Biblical Greek. A silver cross hangs around her neck. Her notebooks of tediously written translations are scattered to the winds. They are replaced with collegiate notes and short stories.She is a scholar. Her curiosity is never sated.
She does not go into the attic.

III.
Sometimes she wakes up five feet from her bed, her nose brushing the ceiling. Sometimes she’ll feel the wind and clouds pick up her emotions. Sometimes she hears the whispers of the dead. But they are whispers. Her prayers are louder. She closes her eyes and grasps at control, waiting until the forecast is correct again. She clutches her golden cross and tearfully waits until her back hits mattress.
It will pass it will pass it will pass.

IV.
She studies more now than she ever had. The girl who’d been able to get by on lectures alone is no longer satisfied with a B/C average. She hones her writing skill until it is sharp as a blade. She beats her pen to paper as though it can lead her to salvation as well as The Good Book. Sometimes she falls asleep at her desk and her papers float around her.
She buys more paperweights.

V.
The future is shadows and whispers. No longer do other people’s auras paint her vision with colors no one else can see. No longer do other people’s deaths and loved ones press themselves behind her eyes. No longer does she peer into souls that only stare back. They blur together like retired nightmares. She does not hear their voices. She does not see their faces.
Her vision is only 20/20.
July 4th, 2016
Apr 2016 · 643
About
Kay P Apr 2016
This is who I am.

Thunder in the distance, coming or leaving? Staying or going? Coming or

Leaves falling from healthy trees like lush green flower petals, summer or autumn? Spring or winter? Summer or

Falling raindrops, water from seas you've never seen. Seas you've only touched. Creek or Sea? Lake or river? Creek or

Seeing children, small and smiling. Simple laughter, tantrum-less playdates and fairy tale stories. Park or playground? Street or yard? Park or

Playthings, dusty, slightly used. A yardsale full of stories. That was my favorite, once. Doll or teddy? Ball or necklace? Blanket or

Sheets blowing on gentle breezes. Wet, warm, drying. Not quite abandoned, but left to its devices. Lonely or purposed? Chore or necessity? Lonely or

Purposeful smiles for those you dislike. Cutting insults for those you enjoy. Love for sunshine. Love for Trash. Hatred for misses. Hatred for Jests. Cruel or fair? Friend or foe? Cruel or

Faires that leave no trace when they're gone. Festivals that stay only long enough for a single good memory. Happy memories with no roots. Steadfast or fantasy? Risky or Safe? Steadfast or

Fantasies about handholding, about side eyes and smiles, about inside jokes. Dreams about darkness, about imitators, about mistakes. Dream or Reality? Dream or Daydream? Dream or

Realities like calm water, allowing only ripples. Are you real? Is anyone? Are we dust and shadows? Real or fake? Real or fake? Real or

Thunder in the distance. Coming or leaving? Staying or running?

This is who I am.
April 29th, 2015
Apr 2016 · 518
Kobayashi Maru
Kay P Apr 2016
I don't want this to be a love poem

I don't want to tell you in ink what I can't say in words. I don't want to talk about him and my emotions or the hesitation that comes with uncertainty. I don't want to say anything about our mouths or how they're never close enough.

I don't want to talk about his hands

I don't want to tell you how I've looked at them and imagined, not simply them touching me like I've longed to be touched, not them belonging solely to me, but perhaps intertwining our fingers sometimes. I don't want to say that I have the strongest abhorrence to seeing those hands touch anything else. That isn't fair. He isn't mine.

I don't want to talk about his eyes

I don't want to tell you what color they are, how they shine. I don't want to give you metaphors and compare them to landscapes much bigger and things more consuming. I don't want to give you a road map to how I last got lost in them. I am not a starry eyed romantic, even if in the right light he looks like one.

I don't want to talk about his hair

I don't want to tell you about the others running their hands through it, or how it irks me. I won't tell you about how I look away or pretend to be busy. It isn't fair to be jealous of what I fold my hands in my lap not to touch. It isn't fair. I'm being fair.

I don't want to talk about his voice

I won't tell you how it's transcended music, that if he spoke for hours I would never be bored. How it is comforting enough to lull me to sleep... me! The most distrusting person in a room at any given time! How it pulls at me to respond with words I've never offered to another soul. It isn't fair. It isn't.

I don't want to talk about him

I won't tell you how he makes me want to paint walls with his likeness,  waste time and ink and memory to write and store poems that won't see the light of day. I want to keep this close. I don't want to share what I feel with anyone. I don't want to share him with anyone.

I don't want to tell him I love him

I don't want to lose him. I don't want to share what I feel but I don't want to share him with anyone. It's a Catch 22. A lose-lose scenario. There is no happy ending. The doubt I feel is realer than the hints he leaves, it makes the fear larger than the possibility of happiness. This is the cycle, this is the life I live.

I don't want this to be a love poem.
April 13th, 2016
Apr 2016 · 438
Sometimes Enough
Kay P Apr 2016
He was a boy, she was a girl,
Do you see where this is going?

Sometimes she was a girl and sometimes he was sweet,
and sometimes they would smile at each other,
and sometimes one would smile and the other would miss it,
and sometimes neither smiled at all.

Sometimes there were others and sometimes there were not
and sometimes the others got too close,
and sometimes she got rather internally possessive,
and sometimes he raised an eyebrow questioningly but got no answer

Sometimes there was music and sometimes there was dancing,
and sometimes they danced and sometimes they didn't,
and sometimes he watched her and sometimes she giggled,
and sometimes she watched him and had to look away

Sometimes she thought in terms of forever,
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'never',
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'maybe',
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'enough',

(because sometimes she didn't feel good enough)
(and sometimes she worried about not being loved enough)
(and sometimes she stressed about not being pretty enough)
(and most times she didn't feel like she was enough)

But sometimes that didn't matter,
because sometimes he smiled and talked enough
and sometimes his stories were funny enough
and sometimes he showed her he cared enough

And sometime she'll realize enough is enough
and that being attractive isn't always a measure of scruff
and that when you love someone you've gotta say that stuff
because leaving is easy when you don't know enough
April 11th, 2016
Apr 2016 · 994
Motionless
Kay P Apr 2016
Have you ever loved someone so much
You could no longer look at them?
Afraid that if you did,
They'd catch the emotion in your eyes?

This isn't a poem like that, not really
There was no brush of fingertips and long sideways glances
He is not the sun, and I am not the earth
But we could be meant to be

He is not an angel, He does not fly on wings made of music and
He does not leave ****** footprints across golden landscapes
He is not the best thing to happen since sliced bread,
Hell, he's not even the best thing to happen to me

And yet,
Here I am writing yet another poem
About the way I don't let myself look at his eyes
And who needs more words about how arms feel like home
When it could just be that you haven't been held in a while

Who needs metaphors about butterflies
When in reality it's just an excuse for hesitation
A fallacy-filled reasoning to not take a chance
And some sick culmination of a lack of self worth

I can give you reasons that I love him,
I can give you clues that he loves me,
I can give you explanations, similes,
Excuses for why I've done nothing,

But why even bother with that?
What is the point of waxing poetic about a boy
Who I will never make a move on
And who will never make a move?

Spoiler Alert,
There isn't one.
April 11th, 2016
Feb 2016 · 509
Limbering Up
Kay P Feb 2016
It's been a little while since I tried this
self-therapy via words
that I won't share with anyone
but strangers near or far

a little while since my prose
got up from their beds
dusted off some cobwebs
and stretched their limbs

a little while since the black ichor
the ink that sometimes
bleeds out onto laptop keys
became mediocre poetry

and I get it, life's been hard
not too hard, but busy
not emotionally, but physically
and I didn't really need it

but I missed this
this little stretch of mental finesse
this warming up of metaphors
this cracking of poetic knuckles

Maybe this is what it's like to be understood.
February 10th, 2016
Feb 2016 · 541
Carlz
Kay P Feb 2016
I almost cried about you today.
I saw hands intertwined and thought about our almost-forever
And isn’t that a sick thought: almost
I thought of reds so bright and warm they hurt to look at
so hot to the touch it burned my memories
I thought of stopping by your house to say hello
and remembered you weren’t even there. Not anymore.
I thought of how great we were together
the perfect pair of outcasts, the Quiet One and the Loud Mouth
I thought of our nights side by side
the way my lips would brush against your neck when everyone else was asleep
and maybe I might have missed it.
I thought of the restaurants with their mixed matched silverware
and how a full year later I realized I’d stopped taking stock of restaurants
becuase I stopped expecting to bring you to them I thought “don’t cry. don’t you ******* cry.”
because it’s been two and a half years of apathy
I don’t get to cry now
No matter how much I miss you.
February 5th, 2016
Nov 2015 · 475
Tactical Mistake
Kay P Nov 2015
I trusted you.

It's not much, three words
not love or endless faith proclimations
nothing more than a smile and a fond glance, maybe
it's not like we've known each other all that long

but it adds up, you know?
Simple math, add the hours to the days
and those conversations we had late at night
and get the solution:
a night where I felt like I could pour out my soul
Not much, not much,
but enough

Then shock, betrayal
I added it wrong, carried a one that wasn't there
and somehow expected more of you
My mistake, tactically stupid, I know
Who goes to war with an ally they hadn't tried in battle
with no written record of a truce?
Rookie mistake.

I won't be so foolish again
November 1st, 2015
Oct 2015 · 797
Linguistics
Kay P Oct 2015
My lips weren’t made for kissing.
I fear they’ve forgotten how, most times
It’s been years
since I practiced
speaking the language
of bodies
of heated palms and parted lips
of skin on skin

Would you be willing to relearn with me?
Spend long nights with
our heads bowed over foreign text books
I promise to add
my knowledge to yours
if you promise to stroke
my spine
to whisper and gasp this language
as it comes back to me

I’ve never pulled an all-nighter
to study a subject
but I swear
that to learn this language
I’ll meet with you
every night
like there’s an exam the next day

I’ll spend hours on each sound
whole days on single words
mouthing my way
until I’ve memorized
that week’s vocabulary
then go just a bit longer,
never hurts to be sure,
just in case I’ve missed something

I’ll use my tongue as a highlighter
brightening spots
I never want to forget
with color that rises
from beneath your skin
and revisit them often
to make sure
they stick in my memory

And when we need to run through the lists
we can press our lips
together
(to make sure we’re
pronouncing it right)
We may even
have to keep it up
for hours
to get the whole list right
until we’re perfectly in sync.

Everyone knows it takes years
to learn a new language
but I’d sacrifice decades
to be fluent
in you.
October 7th, 2015
Sep 2015 · 13.0k
On Kissing
Kay P Sep 2015
I need kisses
like a fish needs colored rocks
and a bear needs honey

I need it like
eyes need sunglasses
and skin needs sunscreen

Like people need chocolate
or french fries or fried food
or fast wi-fi or vacation

The thing about needing
- I don't
- It'd be nice though
September 15th, 2015
Kay P Aug 2015
In my mind, he is the color green.

Have you ever looked around and seen
Just how much of life is green?
And I'm not talking nature,
Any introvert can close the blinds,
And forget leaves in winter
And grass under snow.
But he's the green of a start button
Of the t-shirt you forgot to throw into last week's wash
Of the tiles in the bathroom
And the leggings on a stranger.
He's the green that means "go"
And it makes me... stop.
Reverse.
Climb inside where the air is clear
and smells of rain
and everything is Blue.

But my girl, she was Red.
The sort that bleeds
Into ink black or blue
August 11th, 2015
Aug 2015 · 1.2k
From A 19 Year Old
Kay P Aug 2015
Dear two year old me,
You've been walking for a year now,
And oh! The places you'll go!
The people you'll see, and love, and hurt.
This is your superhero's backstory, you'll see.

Dear four year old me,
I'm so proud of you,
Losing yourself in books already,
Keep your smile ready, darling,
It's going to be rough for a while.

Dear six year old me,
Those kids who threw pine cones
Called you ugly at the bus stop
And made you run home in tears,
Baby Girl, they don't matter.

Dear eight year old me,
That teacher who sneered "just like your mom"
like a barbed insult and a doomed future
was just a mean confused white lady,
Who never even tried to get to know you or your wonderful mother.

Dear ten year old me,
Playground marriages were just for show
Everyone else got remarried day by day
You only had eyes for one, but that's okay
Your loyalty will bring you happiness, one day.

Dear twelve year old me,
You really are too young to date,
and I know everyone else is doing it,
but none of them last, baby girl,
waiting is totally okay.

Dear fourteen year old me,
You've been in love for so long,
It's really just like breathing, isn't it?
But you're too young to know what toxic is
Don't worry, ***, you'll be so much better.

Dear sixteen year old me,
It hurts. I know it hurts. It hurts so much.
You'll teach yourself to keep busy day by day
But honey your lungs only burn because you've been
Breathing smoke for so long fresh oxygen tastes poisonous.

Dear eighteen year old me,
You'd think me soft, now. Emotional. Weak.
But crying is okay, sweet one, wanting hugs is okay
Feeling used is okay. Wanting love is okay.
It's going to be okay.
August 6th, 2015
Jul 2015 · 576
Two and a Half Squish
Kay P Jul 2015
On Sunday he pressed his lips against my throat
in a joking sort of kiss
all waggled brows and hidden giggles
and I said "oh my god what are you doing"
and we dissolved into snickering

And on Wednesday me and he sat
and watched TV and played horror games
all terror and smiles and fond glances
and I said "it's your turn don't roll your eyes at me"
and I forgot my responsibilities when he did it anyway

On Sunday we shared a glance over breakfast snacks
and danced on stage and talked around him
all raised brows and aching cheeks
and I said "we'd have cute kids your hair, my everything else"
and I don't remember what his face was, from the ground

And on Wednesday, he laid on my couch
and I sat in my armchair
all relaxation and easy conversation
and he said "wait, are you really going to marry him?"
and I don't remember answering

And on Sunday we raised our eyes to heaven
and sang songs to the God my mother loves
all easy grace and accidental harmonies
and I thought "why would I marry him I love you"
and I sat alone
July 21st, 2015
Jul 2015 · 310
Overdue
Kay P Jul 2015
G.
It seems like once again you had to greet me with goodbye
If what they said was all pretend then it’d be different

O.
Conceal don’t feel don’t let them know
Stop me, stop me, you can’t stop me, stop me

O.
I don’t wanna be alone forever
But now the sound of love is out of tune

D.
It seems like pain and regret are your best friends
I’m kinda older than I was when I revelled without a care, so there

B.
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I’ve never seen you like this. You’re scaring me to death

Y.
But I’m stuck in this ******* rut waiting on a secondhand pick me up
I’m just saying you could do better, tell me have you heard that lately?

E.**
Take it from the girl you used to love,
I’ll forgive you, forget you, the end.
July 21st, 2015
Jul 2015 · 320
This is a Love Poem
Kay P Jul 2015
I think about flowers and beautiful gardens
and how eventually they all wilt
we all decay one day, don't you know?

I think about roses and dandelions
of weeds and thorns and r e d
we all bleed when our skin is ripped

I think about trees and leaves
of bark and branches and green
sometimes oxygen tastes like cyanide

I think about how the wind sounds
when its gentle but there's no chimes
can I really believe in something I cannot see?
July 21st, 2015
Kay P Apr 2015
i.
Your love is a heartbreaker
She's got a boyfriend anyway
Pour a little salt, we were never here

ii.
Not really sure how to feel about it
Bent and broken is all I've been
And without you is how I disappear

iii.
How can I love if I'm afraid to fall?
Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream
Girl, you could have been the one

iv.
Story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me
Look around you, it's empty and you're sad
This is not what I have planned, it's out of my control

v.
Won't commit so you choose to run away
You're too perfect for my hands to hold
I'm afraid somebody else might end up being me

vi.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
You should know me by now
My weakness is I care too much

vii.
Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight
I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Feelings like this could only mean I'm sinking

viii.
This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending
In the perfect situation, I let love down the drain
Would you have the guts to say "I don't love you like I did yesterday"?

ix.
If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, I don't care
You and I were fireworks that went off too soon
If you love me, let me go.
April 13th, 2015
Jan 2015 · 544
Practical Strangers
Kay P Jan 2015
i.
You’re alone, and you don’t really mind.
It’s quiet here, and peaceful
No one asks too much of you
You stay who you are and you do what you do
And no one’s much the wiser.
You like it this way.

ii.
You've locked yourself in your dorm because you don’t want to deal with people.
“School is easy, people are hard.”
That is the mantra you mentally whisper as you disappear
into novels with characters with much bigger problems
than a lack of friends you don’t remember wanting.
You’re not sure if you like it this way.

iii.
There are people you barely know smiling at you.
It’s sort of like you've known them long,
but you’re sure it’s only been two days.
You know all their names, which is weird,
but they know your name too.
They sort of understand.
You sort of like it this way.

iv.
You’re surrounded on all sides, but it’s nice.
It feels like the music in the air
is racing through your bloodstream.
Is this what it feels to be apart of something?
Greater?
You might like it this way.

v.
It’s too late to be night but too early to be morning.
You talked as though you don’t have
your past locked in your back pocket.
You laugh like this is nothing new,
like you sleepover with “practically strangers” all the time.
But they don’t feel like strangers, not really.
You think you like it this way.

vi.
You’re not sure what’s really happening anymore.
There’s no urge to be alone,
but no urge to constantly be with them,
as though these relationship are symbiotic,
rather than the lecherous addictions
friendships became in high school.
You’re not sure if you trust it this way,
but you like it.
January 27th, 2015
Dec 2014 · 872
Space
Kay P Dec 2014
Have you ever looked for love
in the space between someone's arms?

What is that volume
when compared to the immensity
of the known universe?

I'm sorry, it doesn't make sense.
Searching for something as vast as love
in the microscopic space
of a human's arms
whilst stars explode and collapse
as my love did
December 12th, 2014
Dec 2014 · 593
Unconditional
Kay P Dec 2014
I stayed up late
I filled you with words
that sounded too nice
and smelled too sweet
and tasted like love
like dark chocolate and peppermint
like bitterness and surprise
and I learned
slowly, I learned
that unconditional love
is impossible to prove
December 12th, 2014
Dec 2014 · 542
Remembering
Kay P Dec 2014
I'm not good at falling in love
but I seem to be good at being in it

I kick and I flail when emotions start
to trickle and accumulate
to pile upon one another like clues
toward a conclusion unsatisfactory
because I know where this is heading

I've been head over heels
and *** over elbows
and flat as a board on my back
but each time as I felt it growing
I denied, and I lied, and I wept

See, I understand what it's like
to start a war over the wink of a lady
I know how it feels to share a crush
with those whose happiness
you prioritize above your own

I know how to feel worthless
and I know how to doubt
and I know how to keep my mouth shut
but I know how to love without regrets
and I like to believe that's enough

See, sometimes I feel the need
to browse through old tags on tumblr
and sometimes I stare at my phone
and debate sending a text
and lots of times I remember
that I saved every message I sent you

But that isn't fair.

Because you know love is ever evolving
and there's so many different types
and perhaps never the same love twice
at least I hope not, anyway.
Cause I always seem to throw myself
into chasms overflowing
with deep dark water
and I'm not the best swimmer.

And I love to believe that people
are life preservers
stuck on shore.
December 12th, 2014
Sep 2014 · 941
The Anti-Bully
Kay P Sep 2014
I was bullied from kindergarten to freshman year.

I loved to imagine a tall boy
three inches taller exactly,
just tall enough that
each kiss would have to happen
on my tip toes
and riding on his back
would feel just like
flying.

His hair would be dark brown
and his eyes would be
unremarkable
a brown so dark that others
would think it black
no one else would get close enough
to tell the difference
and no one else would love them
as I did
just as I hoped my eyes would look
to someone else
some day.

He wouldn’t speak much
to other people
his words would mean much
but only to those
who could understand what he meant
and I would be the first
to major in his language
but I would never teach it
to any but our children.

He would look at me
like I personally rose the sun
and hung the stars at night
I would be so high in his regard
that my word would be law
and he would never doubt
anything I said
and even when I lied
obvious and wide eyed
sarcasm dripping from my lips
he would believe me

He would visit me in school
to sit with me at lunch
walking slowly
past the girls who told me
‘no one will ever love you’
and ‘who would ever want to kiss
a face like yours?’
He would prove them wrong right there
at the table they shunned me to
kissing me in full view of everyone.

He would dress in leather
and his hair would be greased
combed back just like a bad boy
he would have a motorcycle
and a car he never drove
and his jeans would be
perfectly between baggy and skinny

He would call me
His Girl
and if anyone messed with me
he would narrow his eyes in such a way
that made them fear for their lives
My bullies would never bother me again.

He would describe my skin
with words like silky, soft and succulent
ebony, stately, and irresistible
but never would he compare its color
to any sort of food
except perhaps sugar
when speaking of the taste.

I built him in the lonely hours
when eyes followed me
and whispers rose behind my back
I made sure that for every insult
tossed my way like live grenades
he threw back with easy confidence
as though my life were a game of COD.

My hair was never too wild
too big or too ‘ethnic’
My lips were just the right size
to **** the breath straight from my lungs
He didn’t care if I shaved my legs
and he liked my sense of style.
He didn’t mind if I was wearing
basketball shorts and too big tshirts,
and he told me that tight clothing
left nothing to the imagination anyway
and besides he didn’t want the other boys
to see what they’d missed.
He didn’t care that I was as boyish
as I was shy
and he knew that the wall I built around myself
wasn’t all there was to me
and he always knew just what I needed,
and sometimes when I was lonely
he showed up just to give me a hug.

And when I got to high school
He shaped how I saw things
He always told me I was beautiful
and if no one else could see that, it was their loss.
He told me that there was never anything wrong with me
and if no one else could see that
then **** Them and All They Stand For.

He faded back into my subconsciousness,
speaking to me though I never truly
thought of him the way he’d been
He stopped bursting into classrooms
to show others what they were missing
and he started whispering an idea
that I didn’t need him anymore.

I would pass a reflection of myself
and He would lift my chin
‘Look how beautiful you are.’
He knew when I was sad,
and promised it was only temporary.
He smiled and gave me thumbs up
when I doubted and shook with nerves.
And with him I could cope.
And soon without him I could too.

Now when I passed mirrors
I lifted my chin myself.
‘Look how beautiful I am’.
and when I was sad
I told myself it was only temporary.
I gave myself smiles,
and I laughed at myself,
and I learned to love me as I’d always imagined
he did.
Unconditionally.
September 5th, 2014
Aug 2014 · 350
Proof
Kay P Aug 2014
I've told you I loved you a million times,
but never in words

We went to cross a street
and my arm, without permission
was out to block your path
before I even noticed
as a car went by
you laughed and asked
'what's with the protective act?'
I couldn't answer
because I didn't know

We walked side by side
across the train tracks
kicking stones in matching sneakers
you turned to me,
your heart in your eyes
'am I like Him?'
and I thought about it at length
before telling you no
instead of simply dispelling your fears

We were on a bus ride
sharing a seat whilst around us
tears were shed
but you simply made me laugh
and we spent the whole ride talking
as I smoothed down the fur
on the snout of your
favorite stuffed animal
and later when they blamed you
for enjoying yourself
I defended you with an army
of eyebrows raised high
and sarcastic remarks
that made you laugh instead

And when we walked together
from church, to home
taking a short cut through
streets we'd never been down before
I listened to you talk of everything
that came to mind
and we sang every song
that came on your phone's radio app

And between services,
when I was lazy
and laying on my side
on your bed easy as pie
you fidgeted with every
little knick knack on your dresser
telling me tales of each
and I smiled and nodded
using your stuffed animal
as a pillow and waiting for you to sit down

When you started designing your game
I stayed silent and listened
as you described your plans
how you built each little thing
using code you'd learned from
YouTube tutorials
Secretly thrilled
at the tiny contact
between your back and my knees

And when you finally
put your laptop down
and laid down
letting me spoon you
each time we decided
we'd get up to get
something to eat
yet went nowhere
sent a happy little thrill
through my whole body

And with each new experience
each new revelation
of budding emotions
thought long gone
I learn that love
can be just as strong
as softly fading radiation
from a platonic bomb
August 26th, 2014
Aug 2014 · 687
All Was Well
Kay P Aug 2014
I'd like to think of my life
as a coming of age story
just before the credits roll

Perhaps it's more
a romantic comedy
just before the best friends fall in love

Or maybe it's even
an edge-of-your-seat thriller
just after the M Night Shyamalan Plot Twist

Perhaps it's a book
the sort you can't put down
but the cliff hanger has already passed

I think that makes the most sense
I am the story you read under the covers
flashlight in hand, ignoring your alarm clock

But even the most avid fan
must come to the end of words
and let the cover slide closed

That's alright though, I feel
like an epilogue, a breath of air
like Harry Potter, 19 Years Later
August 19th, 2014
Aug 2014 · 522
Heliocentricity
Kay P Aug 2014
My favorite thing about the Earth
is even though it kicked and screamed
when it found out that it revolved around the sun
and not the other way around,
its view changed from 'God created us as the center of the universe'
to 'God placed the sun just there so we could thrive.'
And it stopped complaining.
August 12th, 2014
Aug 2014 · 734
Between Church
Kay P Aug 2014
Sunday afternoon was spent in my best friends bed.

It isn't like that, I swear,
it's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to be anybody else.

It's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to worry
about scaring him away.

It's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to use the extra brainpower
that is the filter between me and other people.

It's just that when I laid there
it was a lot like coming home
and a lot like I never left.

It's just that when I'm with him
I don't have to worry about being homeless,
because it feels like something
permanent.
August 12th, 2014
Jul 2014 · 2.0k
It's Not You, It's Me
Kay P Jul 2014
My palms sweat when I think of writing you a poem

Writing has been the only way
I could communicate with others
you see,
when it comes to my emotions
my mouth might as well be duct-taped
and in fact the only way I can write this now
is because I can tell myself you'll never see it

I'm confused.

Circumstances half under my control
has resulted in making me
the co-creator of my own kryptonite
see, what happened was partially my fault
and I can't escape the guilt that I made trying to escape it in the first place
see sometimes trying your hardest not to lead someone on
leads them on anyway
and I don't want to do that to you
I don't want to do that to anyone

See this poem doesn't even rhyme.

Not a lot of mine do, though,
And see listening to Drake tends to make me honest
and listening to Nicki Minaj makes me brave
and the combination of that with Angel Haze
is a cocktail that might just get me drunk enough
to lay my head on your shoulder again

I think I'm falling in love with you

But you should know my personality
means that I'm doing it kicking and screaming
searching my damnedest for an escape route
because being vulnerable hurts me every time
even the ones that promised they wouldn't
and I do it to myself, but
I trust you
And honestly that scares me more than it should

I'm not afraid of ******* it up
if that were all it was you'd find me on your doorstep
with my heart in my palms and blood dripping on the concrete
but the thought of how happy you would make me
of how temporary everything is despite our best efforts
the chance that I could lose everything in a single swoop
is more terrifying than wandering alone through dark paths
more terrifying than a deep voice from the empty space beside my ear
more terrifying than a letting down my guard little by little
just to get stabbed in the back
July 25th, 2014
Jul 2014 · 858
Guilty Pleasures
Kay P Jul 2014
I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because I can't stop thinking
about the way his fingers felt
as they brushed my skin
in that mindless, simple way of his
and I feel guilty for liking it

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because the thought of his smile
makes me feel like I am made of sparklers
shining inside
where before there had been darkness
that I embraced

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because my stomach feels like
its tying itself in knots
when I think about how temporary it was
how it felt like a moment of peace
carved out of a carcass of wartime

I think I fell in love again, the other day

And I'm terrified
because somewhere between you and him
between the doubts and the accusations
between holding hands and daydreaming
between not yelling and screaming on the inside
between memorizing your features and watching you leave
I found myself thinking that my love isn't good enough
and I struggle to drag my self worth up the mountain I threw it down for you
July 25, 2014
Jul 2014 · 444
Indignation
Kay P Jul 2014
I don't remember the last time I was angry

Somewhere between the
screaming younger cousins
and "respectable" elders
My anger drifted deep within
a cavern I know not where

Sometimes I am swarmed
with the realization
of how powerful I would be
Secrets kept and held for years
Flung expertly like daggers
at friendships sure as stone.

But even stone gives way
to rivers of mountain frost
Easily buried and worn
by time and earth and circumstance.

And even friendships forged in fire
turn brittle and break
when met with shoulders
cold as liquid nitrogen.
July 12th, 2014
Jul 2014 · 448
Emotion #15
Kay P Jul 2014
I.
It feels like the moment
Just before a roller coaster
Drop.
Front seat, eyes wide,
But the weight of the cars behind
Gives you the time to recognize
There's no going back.

II.
The mix of almost fear,
adrenaline and excitement
was enough to take
ancient armies to war
and cause feuds that destroyed
whole civilizations.

III.
Here's you.
Sitting, Watching, Knowing.
Opening your mouth
Wide, Wider,
Sheer terror in your veins
Lifting your hands in the air.

IV.
Given the chance,
You'd do this every day
For the rest of your life.
July 12th, 2014
May 2014 · 468
Because You're Sorry ~ 10w
Kay P May 2014
I forgive you for falling in love with me, again.
May 19th, 2014
May 2014 · 496
Emotion #14
Kay P May 2014
Like chocolate cake
but sweeter, somehow
though it isn’t cake at all
like sharing icing with your best friends

Like sugared oranges
sticky and saccharine
too sweet to be healthy
but so satisfying to eat til you’re sick

Like a cavity after orajel
the pain numb
but the taste as well
better, not worse, and quickly getting used to it

Like dancing in the rain
your ears deaf to shouts
of those who tell you
to go inside and dry off

because you’re happy here.
May 15th, 2014
May 2014 · 1.0k
Emotion #13
Kay P May 2014
it tastes like bile in the back of your throat
feels like tears stinging behind your eyes
like a migraine just beginning
like a high pitched whine at the highest volume

it seeps into things unrelated
tinting your favorite colors
flavoring your favorite foods
putting white noise in all your favorite songs

it leaks onto your friendships
staining arms after hugs
leaving laughs polluted
reflecting in eyes that’d trust you with anything

it screams at it wins
the sound one of terrifying joy
“burn!” it commands
but you are made of stone and mortar

it fills your chest with unease
your fingertips with trembles
your mind with final conclusions
your lips with lies that taste like sugar

“I don’t” but you don’t mean that
“I don’t want” but you do
“I can’t” but you can
“I won’t” but you will.
May 14th, 2014
May 2014 · 525
Emotion #12
Kay P May 2014
Mud
The sort that slips between your toes
and fingers
that cakes your clothing
and leaves all things
unclean

Worms
that you dodge after a rainstorm
walking the whole way
on your toes
as to not crush them
but the sickening slick sound
of inevitably misstepping
and killing one anyway

Rain
that covers you from head to toe
that steals the heat of your body
and gives it to the unforgiving air
that rebirthing metaphor
that doesn’t seem to be working

Thunder
but in the distance
none of the power that threatens
none of the shaking terror
just a memory of something
lost
May 8th, 2014
May 2014 · 726
Angry?
Kay P May 2014
I never saw red
because it was your favorite color
May 1st, 2014
May 2014 · 343
Forget You?
Kay P May 2014
I'd rather go
one stop shopping
at a
lobotomy
store
May 1st, 2014
Kay P May 2014
At one point he realized that if he hugged me hard enough our hugs don’t last as long

It reminds me of the way some people take pills
if you take enough all at one time
perhaps the dosage will be strong enough
to run through your blood like runners in a race
to blissfully declare that it’s all for nothing and nothing for all
that the feeling of my shoulderblades cracking under pressure
is better than overdosing on pills

It reminds me of the way some people gorge on food
because if you eat it all as fast as you can
it takes a few minutes before your stomach feels that its too much
and if you wait to puke it all up in the bathroom of your school after lunch
maybe the feel of ***** and the burn in your throat
is worth the taste of all that food
that you ate too fast to enjoy it

It reminds me of the way some people use their orajel
because if you sit there are you numb one spot
all the other aches are suddenly so appearant
because all of you hurts, doesn’t it?
Not just one tooth, but all the others
and if you numb the one distracting you
suddenly your whole mouth is in disarray
and you hurt everywhere

It reminds me of life support
because a machine pumping what you were born with into your body
reminds me of the way I cling like a child to their mother’s skirts
to you as if you were my only living teddybear
because I know that if you were to walk away one day
I could go on living
and that fact alone makes it that much likely
that you’ll stay even longer

because I don’t think I need you
but I want you around anyway
May 1st, 2014
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