I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because I can't stop thinking
about the way his fingers felt
as they brushed my skin
in that mindless, simple way of his
and I feel guilty for liking it

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because the thought of his smile
makes me feel like I am made of sparklers
shining inside
where before there had been darkness
that I embraced

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because my stomach feels like
its tying itself in knots
when I think about how temporary it was
how it felt like a moment of peace
carved out of a carcass of wartime

I think I fell in love again, the other day

And I'm terrified
because somewhere between you and him
between the doubts and the accusations
between holding hands and daydreaming
between not yelling and screaming on the inside
between memorizing your features and watching you leave
I found myself thinking that my love isn't good enough
and I struggle to drag my self worth up the mountain I threw it down for you

I.
It feels like the moment
Just before a roller coaster
Drop.
Front seat, eyes wide,
But the weight of the cars behind
Gives you the time to recognize
There's no going back.

II.
The mix of almost fear,
adrenaline and excitement
was enough to take
ancient armies to war
and cause feuds that destroyed
whole civilizations.

III.
Here's you.
Sitting, Watching, Knowing.
Opening your mouth
Wide, Wider,
Sheer terror in your veins
Lifting your hands in the air.

IV.
Given the chance,
You'd do this every day
For the rest of your life.

Like chocolate cake
but sweeter, somehow
though it isn’t cake at all
like sharing icing with your best friends

Like sugared oranges
sticky and saccharine
too sweet to be healthy
but so satisfying to eat til you’re sick

Like a cavity after orajel
the pain numb
but the taste as well
better, not worse, and quickly getting used to it

Like dancing in the rain
your ears deaf to shouts
of those who tell you
to go inside and dry off

because you’re happy here.

it tastes like bile in the back of your throat
feels like tears stinging behind your eyes
like a migraine just beginning
like a high pitched whine at the highest volume

it seeps into things unrelated
tinting your favorite colors
flavoring your favorite foods
putting white noise in all your favorite songs

it leaks onto your friendships
staining arms after hugs
leaving laughs polluted
reflecting in eyes that’d trust you with anything

it screams at it wins
the sound one of terrifying joy
“burn!” it commands
but you are made of stone and mortar

it fills your chest with unease
your fingertips with trembles
your mind with final conclusions
your lips with lies that taste like sugar

“I don’t” but you don’t mean that
“I don’t want” but you do
“I can’t” but you can
“I won’t” but you will.

Mud
The sort that slips between your toes
and fingers
that cakes your clothing
and leaves all things
unclean

Worms
that you dodge after a rainstorm
walking the whole way
on your toes
as to not crush them
but the sickening slick sound
of inevitably misstepping
and killing one anyway

Rain
that covers you from head to toe
that steals the heat of your body
and gives it to the unforgiving air
that rebirthing metaphor
that doesn’t seem to be working

Thunder
but in the distance
none of the power that threatens
none of the shaking terror
just a memory of something
lost

Like falling to the earth, your wings aflame
but realizing that it isn't fear you're feeling
Like trying to keep yourself in perfect balance
but tempted, sorely tempted, to let go

Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the sun
but loving the way the burn cleanses
Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the waves
but tasting freedom in salty sea air

Like the moment when you realize you will fall
but accepting the inevitable with a smile
Like the spiraling decent toward your fate
but it feels like a roller coaster

Like the squeak and complaint of gears
this contraption wasn't made for this
Like a father's cry of complete horror
but weren't we aiming for escape?

Like the fear and attempt of saving your life
but don't martyrs die for freedom?
Like the scream of pure delight ripped from your smile
A trail of feathers all that remains of your inhibition

Today, it rained

The liquid poured from the sky
As if the gods were screaming
Yelling their triumph from the heavens
And showering their domain
in the blood of nonbelievers

Today, it poured

The sound of rain on the library roof
is something of a dull roar
Like the sound of a Roman crowd
screaming for their champion
as they face the beast from below

Like the sound of sword on shield
the repeated beat of boots on ground
of smiles red with blood
and faces lined with sweat.

Like the sound of tire on pavement
of speed unchecked and controlled
of a kiss on the lips and a tangling of breath
of lightning forking through the sky

Like the feeling of feeling again
Of numbness washed away
Of loneliness swirling in a drain
Of the rebirth of Peebles, Kay

It feels like holding your breath
until your lungs ache and your ribs creak
because your heart is beating so fast
complaining for lack of oxygen
but you won't
you won't breathe
who cares if it hurts?
who cares if your throat burns
and your eyes water?
for even water is part oxygen
and perhaps the pain would stop
if you inhale
and find two parts hydrogen as well.