When I’m sad I crave french fries

They taste like happiness is supposed to feel
like grease dripping from your lips as you sit back and enjoy yourself
like indulging a craving that everyone says will only make you fat and unattractive
and this
feels like a goodbye

French fries don’t ask you to talk about your feelings and
French fries don’t tell you ‘no’ when you reach for them
French fries only comfort and tell you that it’ll all be okay
because spending a few bucks on McDonalds is always better than taking a razor to your skin
the threat of gaining a few extra pounds is nothing when you think that I could be running toward a precipice with no hope of stopping
No desire to pause in my motion until I am airbourne
because Moriarty said that falling is just like flying
until you stop

French fries are always warm

They cool over time but by then they are making their way through a system made only to squeeze what nutrition can be found there
They don’t keep me up at night with cravings for more
because when I eat French Fries I’m only trying to sit here and live in this moment
because French Fries don’t tell me what I don’t want to hear and
French Fries don’t pull things like me like a string around a loose tooth and
French fries don’t slam the door

When I’m angry they taste like tears

I haven’t cried more than two tears since the day my heart up and left me
I’ve tried to tell everyone that being unable to cry doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything
except when it does
and maybe that just means that I am hollow and dry on the inside as well, maybe it means the soul I thought was old as my great grandmother’s is simply an empty space
But I don’t want to believe my being is half of something else
to be filled by someone who can leave any other day
I don’t want
to be desperate
but the grit of salt on my fingers feels a lot like missing you
so I lick it off
because they say that salt purifies and I haven’t felt clean since this time last year when you
got drunk and told me that you loved me

So I’m sorry if I can’t get to you through all the french fries
I’m sorry that I can’t reach far enough to grasp at straws and I’m
sorry that eating fast food is the only way I can find release and
I’m sorry that sometimes I think that maybe it’s for the better, you know?
because all this is just ridiculous and
we were supposed to get married and
I knew it was stupid to think so at the time because everyone says that high school can’t last forever and I’m
a senior

I’m sorry that I made you happy

because happiness is the only thing more devious than the male mind and
I told you that I would gladly let you move in if your parents disowned you and
I told you that I was thinking about you through spoken word poems I never got around to writing and
I told you to bring a blanket to that roof you watch the stars on to get away from your demons and
I told you that it didn’t matter to me if you relapsed
and
still you act like I’ve never said a word

but French Fries fill me from toe to crown and I
know now
that the taste of them fills me better than bitterness ever had and
that finding release in fattening strips of potato is better than
wishing I was dead every moment and

I’m sorry that I can’t do this anymore

So everytime I go to McDonalds and order one, two, three orders of large fries
know I always order one for Chelsea,
but I eat the other two for you
because to me they taste like Burger King
and an order of French Fries

How dare I
put my own
happiness
without first
waiting

Once when I was little
I was dared to jump off the roof
of my uncle’s house, but it wasn’t so tall
just one, two, three stories,
but I didn’t die I didn’t
I landed on the trampoline
it didn’t break, it didn’t break
not until my next cousin jumped
and missed the thing entirely
breaking his ankle, and nothing else
and giving my aunt a heart attack
but I won the bet at least

Once when I was in Spanish Class
We had a no english day
so we spoke in pig latin
and she couldn’t make us stop
because pig latin isn’t english
and there was nothing she could do about it

Once I had a dream
that we tied strings to our friend
and he flew in the wind like a kite
our instructor fell from the ceiling
“I’m not your ****** one winged bird”
and you turned into a teddy bear

Once I had a nightmare
that I was walking along the train tracks
in the dark and couldn’t find
the person calling for me
it was you, and her, and the others
and it wasn’t safe, but I couldn’t find you

Once I had a dream
that animals were tearing at each other
at themselves
that a storage space stood empty
and you told me quite simply
“Stop it.”

Once I stood on ice and water
fingers slipping against rock
too heavy for me to hold and
much too heavy for me to keep
and it slipped from my fingers
and you dove in
and saved me

Once I sat in Thomas’s class
and daydreamed we ****** on every surface
and thought that maybe it was
completely plausible
that Thomas and the class would be there too
at least I think that happened once
or twice or three times
but it may not have happened at all

Once I sat in the library
writing up a heap of lies
and wondering which the poem was
a lie or a truth or both
I wondered where the exaggeration came
where it went
and paused to think it through again
as if it were nothing else.

Once we walked home together
and there was silence between us,
Tyrell words, growing stronger,
and I wondered what it was
that was so terrible about silence
with two people on either side
understanding the other.

Once I woke up alone
and saw you standing there in my bedroom
but you were younger, smaller,
and your eyes glowed something fierce
I could tell they were blue then,
though usually I don’t remember
and most times I can’t even discern
the color of your hair

Once I realized
I don’t like blonds.
They annoy me and they vex me
and I can’t deal with that
but honestly, what do I expect?
Her hair’s blonde naturally, you know
she dyes it so no one knows.
And they say you’re blond too, I guess
but I don’t think it shows.

Like falling to the earth, your wings aflame
but realizing that it isn't fear you're feeling
Like trying to keep yourself in perfect balance
but tempted, sorely tempted, to let go

Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the sun
but loving the way the burn cleanses
Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the waves
but tasting freedom in salty sea air

Like the moment when you realize you will fall
but accepting the inevitable with a smile
Like the spiraling decent toward your fate
but it feels like a roller coaster

Like the squeak and complaint of gears
this contraption wasn't made for this
Like a father's cry of complete horror
but weren't we aiming for escape?

Like the fear and attempt of saving your life
but don't martyrs die for freedom?
Like the scream of pure delight ripped from your smile
A trail of feathers all that remains of your inhibition

Today, it rained

The liquid poured from the sky
As if the gods were screaming
Yelling their triumph from the heavens
And showering their domain
in the blood of nonbelievers

Today, it poured

The sound of rain on the library roof
is something of a dull roar
Like the sound of a Roman crowd
screaming for their champion
as they face the beast from below

Like the sound of sword on shield
the repeated beat of boots on ground
of smiles red with blood
and faces lined with sweat.

Like the sound of tire on pavement
of speed unchecked and controlled
of a kiss on the lips and a tangling of breath
of lightning forking through the sky

Like the feeling of feeling again
Of numbness washed away
Of loneliness swirling in a drain
Of the rebirth of Peebles, Kay

A thousand and one reasons
To take your good old time
To weave barbs into wire
Your heart a "Keep Out" sign

A thousand and one reasons
to think that no one cares
That your opinion is less than nothing
That life just isn't fair

A thousand and one reasons
To wince at your own name
To grit your teeth and narrow eyes
And turn away from pain

A thousand and one reasons
To take a breath of air
To feel the movement in your lungs
And wish it wasn't there

A thousand and one reasons
To look how far you've come
To sigh and sit up straighter
For the battle's almost won

A thousand and one reasons
A thousand, twenty two
A thousand and one reasons
And none of them are you

It feels like holding your breath
until your lungs ache and your ribs creak
because your heart is beating so fast
complaining for lack of oxygen
but you won't
you won't breathe
who cares if it hurts?
who cares if your throat burns
and your eyes water?
for even water is part oxygen
and perhaps the pain would stop
if you inhale
and find two parts hydrogen as well.

Today you mistook a shiver for weakness.

Sometimes the Earth gets tired.
Humans populate almost every inch hospitable
Leveling ground too ‘wild’ for its purpose
Shrieking for order and smoothing hills
Building higher, spanning wider
Spreading the plague of population
Preaching ‘Save Mother Earth!’
But taking natural born beauty
Replacing it with stenciled curves
And rises demolished and remade in cement

Sometimes the Earth feels unloved.
The love of nature, but not of all that comes with
The view, not the insects
The forest, not the wildlife
Then not the forests at all
Cut them down for firewood
For houses made of stone and brick
Carve out pits to place your waste
Dig up earth made sound by centuries
Replace with loose stones
And complain of instability
Of bedrock you can not break
Of Opals too easily broken
And then it’s a wonder
That all gemstones
Are kept within the darkest caverns
Deep into the mines of the earth

Sometimes the Earth feels used.
Once white beaches covered
In foot traffic and families
And it’s not as though the Earth minds that
But the trash left to drift into the oceans
The oil spills and landfills
The litter left so carelessly
The use without thought
For beaches are for everyone, it’s only fair
Why thank the Earth at all?

Sometimes the Earth forgets
When used to meet someone’s needs
As though an endless resource
Sometimes you run out of fossil fuels
I’d give my bones for this
But skeletons weren’t made to last forever
And through it all calm skies and shining suns
As though nothing were wrong

Sometimes the Earth needs to remember
That gravity is a force that needs two factors
That not all satellites are geosynchronous
That it takes 365 days to get back to where you started
And even then you’re still a bit off
And that’s okay, that’s okay

That’s okay.

I am in control.
Tornado relocates entire home.
I am in control.
Hurricane leaves hundreds stranded.
I am in control.
Avalanche destroys mountain resort.
I am in control.
Lightning leaves entire county without power.
I am in control.
Tsunami wipes coastline clear off the map.
I am in control.
Typhoon tears roofs off of residences.
I am in control.
Earthquake levels entire city.

Today you mistook a shiver for weakness,
But Earthquakes only remind that the Earth is something to be feared.
That cities fall as easily as rain and sleet and snow
That change is the only constant
Do not make the mistake again.

We've already established
That the sun's a bit self-centered
And it's as if the rest
Revolve around
but I think that may just be science

We've already established
That the moon shows only one side
to the Earth and the side
that's cloaked in shadow
is something to be
wary of? scared of? disappointed with?

We've already established
That Venus is the planet of love
That Jupiter gets no love songs
That Mars and Mercury frankly couldn't give a ****
and Uranus simply doesn't.

And I'd hate to pile more on Earth
More noise to pollute the atmosphere
More thoughts that don't mean jackshit
More civilizations that believe the universe
Revolves around Earth.

Storms and Quakes and Humans
Are unimportant after all
You can't complain about not finding
A specific sort of poem
if all the other planetary poems
Seem to be about you anyway

i.
Today I wondered
How vast the universe was
Because I looked in your eyes
And saw galaxies

ii.
Today I whispered
Words that I won't repeat
until my heart tricks my brain
into freeing my voice

iii.
Today I touched
joking, of course,
but not, but serious
without knowing which was which

iv.
Today I laughed
I smiled and pouted
I frowned and groaned
I grinned innocently, proving my guilt

v.
Today I felt
guilt and happiness
greed and selflessness
jealous, yet contented

vi.
Tomorrow I fear
For I've taught myself
That change is
the only constant

God gave leopards spots
Zebras and tigers stripes
Hyenas fur and fangs
Lions a bright and gilded mane

But humans have but their skin
Pale or copper, thick or thin
Veins and white blood cells
Bare feet, bare of claws

How then, are we expected
To show the dangers we possess
If not gifted with fangs or fur?
If only given soft skin?

My ancestors in the Americas
Painted their skin with bright colors
Palms red with berries and
Faces covered with the designs of their gods

I am but a teenage girl
A goddess in no sense, a weakness
My force upon the world no greater
Than the force of a worm in dirt

I have no thousand year old dyes
No golden mane of hair but
Bright berserker eyes
and a force of will like gravity

I have glittering lipstick
My own brand of warpaint
Against all things that make me
Feel small, ugly, and worthless

Do you see this? My warpaint screams
I am not your victim
I am not your weak, disgusted little girl
I am a warrior

You can not have this
This body is mine
This body is strong
This body is me

And instead of fading
My warpaint seeps into my skin
Becoming what I am
A warrior, at war

Yesterday I almost told you how you hurt me

Instead my body rejected
Trembled with the effort of keeping my mouth shut
Sent shivers that pained my every movement
Tremors that travelled across my skin
A hint of no return, a hint of nothing
Until my breath was a tremble
An ache that spread through lung and throat
Out of my mouth and into the air
The only sound allowed

Yesterday I almost told you how it hurt to hear your words

Your self-hate and disgust all consuming
Aimed inward, aimed self bound
Until my heart felt the arrows
Aimed at yourself
And my soul quaked from the knowledge
That what I would die for
You believe worthless

Yesterday I almost told you how it pained me to be near you

Bittersweet
Like sour candy
Held against a tongue that burns each second
Rotting teeth and sweetening breath
Stinging taste buds and leaving them numb
All in the hope of reaching the sweet underneath
And perhaps liking the burn
A bit more than is healthy

Yesterday I almost told you that my love for you was burning

Like a flame left unattended in a forest full of dry leaves
Spreading from old oaks to new sprouts
Consuming all in its path
Reducing everything to ashes
Waiting for a rebirthing metaphor for forest fires
Not talking about the pain of loss to Mother Earth
Only about the growth afterward
Not thinking that all fires must die
That no flame lasts forever

Yesterday I almost spoke of my annoyance toward your disregard

You've changed, you know
You laugh at things you don't think are funny
Simply because you think I would
You make assumptions based on what you believe me to be
Not what you know me as
You make decisions based on what you believe would make me happy
Not on what would make you smile
Not on what would make you laugh
Not on what would make you happy
You've changed to accommodate for my emotions
Not thinking that I've already changed for yours
This won't work out, you know

Yesterday I almost told you that I loved you

Those words pain you now, have you noticed?
You grimace when they leave my mouth
You stop yourself from asking why
And so I've stopped saying it
Because nothing hurts more than the knowledge
That what I say and do makes no difference
That I could scream it and you'd only use it as ammunition
I will not load the gun you aim at yourself
I will not hand you a diamond for you to slit your throat
I will not give you a pillow if you'll only smother yourself
And it hurts that I must do such

Yesterday I almost told you to shut up

Because you're hurting me, you're hurting me
Can't you see that? Do you want to?
My heart lurches with every disrespectful thing you say under your breath
It burns when you call yourself worthless
It shrinks and crumbles under pressure
This coal won't make a diamond
This sand won't make a pearl
I am not a gemstone,
Not iron or steel, but human flesh
And we all know how fragile it is
You know it best, don't you?

Yesterday I almost told you it wasn't the same

But you know how I hate change
And how could I phrase it to prove you aren't the problem?
How could I tell you without you turning it into a weapon?
How could I make it in a way that wouldn't lead to your unhappiness?
Aren't you unhappy enough already?
I can't do it. I can't bring you happiness. I've tried and tried.
And I can't
I can't
Give up on you.

Today is not the day I die

Standing tall like a mountain
Feeling like a mole hill
Feeling like a mine shaft
Filled with bursting dynamite
Dangerous to all who trespass
Worse for the workers
Subjugated to the whims
Of cold rock walls
And endless black pits

Today is not the day I die

Quick like lightning
Feeling like a storm
Breaking over the heads
Of innocents, of rich and poor
Pushing with winds too furious
Stealing away hats and scarves and comfort
Drenching in freezing rain
That feels a bit too much like
Being reborn

Today is not the day I die

Shining like the sun
They say stars are brightest
Just before they supernova
Just before they fall into themselves
Become something grander, more powerful
Something that devours all that it meets
A great abyss, feeding on itself
On light
All consuming

Today is not the day I die

Perhaps I am no mountain,
Perhaps I am no star,
No black hole, no sun,
No molehill or mine shaft
No wailing wind or breaking storm
No rain, and no lightning
Perhaps I am but a girl
But metaphors are my armor
and similes are my sword
I am no knight in plated silver
I am only a poet, armed with prose

I will not die today

Poets are just authors
who get straight to the point
at least that's what my teacher
told me once

I don't know if I believe it
I'm an author too, sometimes
and others it just seems better
for poems, for prose, for rhyme

Sometimes I wonder if
The earth is really rounded
or if it's just a oblong
distant lands and distant seas

I like poetry because with stories
They want you to make sense
and with poems you can
just go and go and go

I like poetry because
my prose is all that's judged
not my grammer or my speling
or anything at all

Perhaps it's all too clever
so poetic, so in tune
Artistic and amazing
so clear and so immune

I feel immortal with my poetry
with my rhymes and with my nots
All the way to everything
All the way to nothing

The
     bottom
            line
                is
                 finish
                      it
        But
            work
                  blurs
                        my
                            vision
              And
                    inspiration
                                    is
                                      hard
                                             to
                                               come
                                                       by
                     And
                          honestly
                                      who
                                           will
                                               need
                                                      to
                          Factor
                                   functions
                                                with
                                                     exponents
                                   Anytime
                                               in
                                                 thier
                                                       lives
                                               After
                                                    This?

The stars care not
For your fears
Not for your happiness
And not for your tears
For they are above you
They don't feel as you do
And they shine far brighter
Than your eyes

The stars care not
If you shout or scream
Or cry at the top of your lungs
For the stars are simply
The sort of stuff
The would peel away the fabric
That made up your body
As if it were a tiger
With its claws
In silk curtains

The stars care little
Of your problems and less
Of your stress
And if it were possible
To be more apathetic
I’m sure the stars
Would achieve that as well
For stars are far greater
Than you’ll ever be
(Or so they tell me
In science class
Where I learn the volume of a star
Would easily consume
Our planet)

The stars care not
For you or me
For the stars are intangible
Too far to reach, yet
Too close to seem
Otherwise.

The sun, in comparison
Is warm and caring
The sort of love that can burn
If exposed too long
But only hurtful
When it’s been gone
And only then
Do you feel the burn.
Until then,
You lay and send
Your love to the sun
Who is closer than stars
And less cold, as well

Their light blinds
Like the morning sun
For each star
Is a sun
To someone.

It grows in places
Left neglected
Like vines or weeds
or algae

Its spores are toxic
airborne
and quick to infect
like living dead

There is no cure
Instead
it runs through each emotion
leaving nothing in its wake

It is silent
malignant
growing in the quiet
expanding in the hollow recesses
between your ribs

There is nothing that can stop it
not the ink like ichor of apathy
not the lick and burn of anger
not the cutting cold of indifference

Instead it burrows
makes tunnels through reasonings
until all you're left with is
distant annoyance.

blah blah
                       blah
                                      poetry

This is one you can not make sense of

There is a flash of indignation
Paired with red hot emotion
Singed pieces of hurt fluttering
Gravity not the only force pulling,
Until they rest, their dull heat
Dying
Amongst the Apathetic Ashes

It is like leaving a glass
of ice cold sweet tea
out on a picnic table
in the middle of the summer

Sweat beads
drift down heated skin
But your insides are liquid
Cold and chilled with ice

The sun shines
Beautiful and unforgiving
Aware only of its need
To provide warmth

But the flowers detest
They love the burn
They love the sun
But their strength is of the earth
Their origin
Their roots

Ice melts
Tea dilutes
and in the end
You don't taste like you should

An old man sits
on the edge of the bed
just after he's tucked in his grandson
He fiddles and fits
While his old gal, she knits
And his boy sleeps, soft and handsome

But what is this?
He can't help but think
As his grandson rolls restlessly round
What sort of ploy
May claim my boy
When his pops is dead in the ground?

His wife, she shakes head
All afluttered and red
Claiming that he's been a fool
For Death, he comes
For every which ones
As sure as summers for school

But wife, he cries
With tears in his eyes
As his boys turns roughly about
"What will become
Of my dear grandson
When a grandfather he is without?"

His wife, she smiles
Is silent awhile
As her needles go clickity-clack
"This boy, you see
Is our legacy
And a family he never shall lack."

There are two of me,
Three, Four,
Three to stay standing
One to meet floor

There are four of me
Five, Six,
One who's all pure
One who's a mix

There are six of me
Seven, Eight,
One to be aloof
One to relate

There are eight of me
Nine, Ten,
One to be angry
One to be zen

There are ten of me
Eleven, Twelve,
One to spread
One to shelve

There are twelve of me
Thir, Four,
One to open windows
One to close doors

There are fourteen of me
Fifteen, Sixteen,
One to talk *****
One to act clean

There are Seventeen of me
One per year,
One to be obscure,
None to be clear.

There are Seventeen of me,
But seven through fourteen,
Slipped and fell,
Got lost in between

One to love
One to cold
One to decay
One to gold

There are Seventeen of me,
But eleven through eight
Turned green with envy
Turned cold with hate

There are Seventeen of me,
But two through seven
Went through hell
And deserved heaven

There are Seventeen of me
but only One matters
The one that's the strongest
The One whose heart's shattered.

Do not shatter
Do not fall apart
Do not cry
Don’t you dare cry

You keep your ******* chin up
You aren’t allowed to be weak
Keep a stiff upper lip you *******
Do not touch them

You will fall apart
You will show them just how weak you really are
You’ll ruin them
You’ll cling and they won’t want you

You stay the **** where you are
You keep yourself away from them
Don’t even look at them
Don’t even feel for them
Don’t even spend time with them

You leave them the **** alone
You keep yourself away from them
You talk to none of them
You keep writing instead of talking
But no more notes
No more messages
No more little tidbits under your breath

After school today, you’d better get it together
You’d better smile and laugh
You’d better grin like it doesn’t hurt
You’d better act like you’re loved
You’d better act like you believe it

Don’t you believe it?
Don’t be so self centered
You’ve got this, just chin up
Shut the **** up and finish what you need to
Support them, don’t use them as a crutch
How are you ever going to survive after high school if you depend on a bunch of kids?

Your eyes don’t deserve to fill with tears
You aren’t going to cry, are you?
Of course you aren’t, don’t be ridiculous.
Hurry now, take a deep breath
in, out, in
I’m not yelling at you, am I?
No. No I’m not, I’m trying to make you better
Don’t you want to be better?

Be the Kayla they all want to see.
Be Kay.
Not Gorilla Girl.
Not That Girl.
Not Pebbles.
Not Bam Bam.
Not iPod.
Not Shuffle.
Be Kay.

Kay.

Kay.

And stop avoiding Boy, could you be any more obvious?
Get over yourself.
Move on.
Snap. Out. Of. It.

I wonder when I
began to take things
in stride.

Never fazed by
actions or
emotion

Only ever faltering
at hints of
hurt

Quickly ignored
swept beneath
others

My arms ache from
holding their
position

Why is it my hugs
are always
abandoned

Perhaps the only
constant detail is
me.

My self harm needs
no razor blades
no broken bottles
no sleeve charades

It comes with the ache
when my eyes drift
over her hopeful
worried expression

It comes with the sting
as he walks right past
and I do the same
in retaliation

It comes with the guilt
as they laugh together
too loud, heard over
my music

It comes with the crumbling
falling sensation
of a girl who is only
human.