I'm not sad because of you anymore
I'm not sad that my life is without you
or that you broke my heart
I'm sad that for 3 years i got used to having someone here
someone to cuddle with
someone to go out to dinner and a movie with
and now im bored
i have nothing to do and I'm alone
no one to share my music with
my writing with
or my art
I just lay in bed, go to work, come home
and repeat

the girl in the white dress dances
her hair swings to the music
her eyes are shut
shes looking at the roof as if shes outside
the sway of her body is calm, relaxed
like shes dreaming
like shes floating
shes carefree
the song changes
her knees collapse
she looks to the floor
puts her hands on the ground
pushing herself up and walks to the bar

i thought we had something more
i thought when you text me late at night it meant i wasn't just a friend anymore
i thought maybe id get the chance
to take you on a date
hold your hand
tell you that your cute every chance that i get
but when i told you how i felt you didn't say what i expected
you said in  your eyes we were just friends
even though i swear you gave me signals that meant "take the chance"
i covered my emotions for months cause of my ex
but when i thought i was ready, we were ready
i put my heart in my hands
put it out for you to carry
and when i thought you were holding it
you dropped it on the ground and left

winter comes along
makes me wish you were laying in my chest
with my arm around you
laying in bed
listening to the sound of the wind whistle through the cracks
sipping hot chocolate
listening to calm music
kissing when its dark
when the sun goes down and you cant see the snow
not until it smashes into the window
when its so cold that frost creeps around the corners of the glass
when you can exhale onto it and draw faces while it lasts
then they disappear
but you know that they're still there
all they need is a little heat and they will once again appear
winter makes me love more
makes me feel a way i thought i lost
love, lust
hope, trust
but before you know it the snow will melt
and so will us

there is something about a women that can change a man
that could make a man go from rude to nice
from going no where in life to wanting to graduate
women make men feel like they need to do better
when a man looks at a women he loves he sees what he needs to do
what he needs to do to keep her
weather its get a job
go to collage
quit partying
go from sweat pants to suit
and he will do it. if he loves her he will change his life so much that he wont even be able to recognize himself after a year.
a man will do anything for a women
if he loves her

life is always changing
day by day
mistakes being made
as people come and go
you get a sense of who you want to stay
of who you want to wake up to everyday
who you'll smile at and kiss in the morning
when you get back from a long day
at work struggling to pay the bills just to be happy
don't let your life waste with someone who won't say that they love you
even if it's randomly
when you're mad at each other and can't calm down easily
and when things get bad they don't flea
they stick around and make sure you'll be okay

i want to go out Christmas eve
have diner just you and me
then come back home and make love on the couch
next to the tree
all the lights off except the ones on the tree
end up falling asleep
waking up to sun beams shining across our faces
you stay laying while i grab something to drink
loving each other for the whole day
kissing each other on the cheeks

there's two girls sitting across from me
something about them makes me feel happy
as they smile and sip their hot coffee
they type on their laptops
& forget all the bad things

there's a lady and her mother
they sit and talk about the things that cause bother
the things in their life they hate
but at the end of the conversation they have smiles on their faces
they are happy about life
because its what's shaped them

I'm sitting here
drinking a french vanilla and eating a brownie
people watching and writing stories that I'll only read
there's happiness in the air
there's smiles everywhere
it gives me hope that the evil is gone in the world

sometimes i try
to put my feelings aside and help people in need
for people i like
i'll stay up late nights
ill make sure you're fine
I'll tell you the truth before the positive side
so you know that it'll **** before its okay
and all that ill ask in return is that you stay
that when you're happy and your life goes back to its normal way
you wont forget me and all i had to say
when i said i wouldn't leave and it be here everyday
you said "id like that, thank you"
im still here today
but i cant be here if you push me away
i cant care for you if you ignore my texts ever day
i want to be in your life
i just wish you felt the same way

sometimes i think i cant be happy again
when i see someone I"m attracted to i think it'll never happen
that I"m not good enough, that i don't have the brains
that she wont like me for who i am
so i get ashamed
ashamed of myself and the person i became
even thought i have a job and i graduated
but before you left you filled my head with all this hate
hate that will never escape my brain

now i have trust issues because of you
my own mind wont leave me alone
its tearing me apart limb from limb
bone to bone
now every day I"m home in my room looking at my phone waiting for something that i know wont ever come
an apology from the person who made me think I'm better off 6 feet deep in the ground

today i did drugs
i went over to my friends thinking we'll get high and ill forget
but that wasn't the case
i wasn't happy
when im really high i cant think
its like my body knows where to go but my mind is liquid
i dont think and most times i cant even remember what i did
all i remember is us
and when it wares off i realize that not even drugs can replace you
and that a temporary happiness isn't what i should be looking for
im sorry that we broke up
i miss you so much
next time i see you i'll say that to your face
i'll tell you im sorry
that letting  us slip was a mistake
and even if it doesn't fix us
i know it'll be okay
because the person you have now will treat you the way that i never did, or atleast thats what you think
that i never tried in the first place
even tho i was the reason we went on our first date

the smell of coffee and sweets lingers around the room
the sound of women and men conversing
the sound of responsibility
the sound of friendliness
the realization that everyone is scared comes quickly
as people talk about their lives it makes me realize
people are more scared then "Fine"
people go to collage to make their parents happy
but really all they want to do is live their life
instead of being trapped inside a school for 30% of their lives

I agree that learning is a huge part of life
but sitting inside a class room learning what its like outside just doesnt seem right
I believe that you should go out
you should make things happen
learn from the things that you do
not the things others do
open your eyes

rest stop on our way to no where
you're wearing no bra, tshirt with wet hair
i ask "where you wanna go?" you say "i dont care"
pumping gas while you're taking in the fresh air

no looking back on the past
future in our eyes - theres so much to look past
took so long to realize that im her guy
shes my girl - no more lies

walking down the street
i let her infront of me
so i can gaze at her without her noticing
so i could check her out in a unique way
not looking at her *** but looking at her figure
looking and the way her clothes hang off her shoulders and hips
the way her hair swings from one side to the other
the way her eyes sparkle when she looks back at me to make sure im still here
shes beautiful in more ways then one
more beautiful then the ocean or the sun
because i see the sun everyday and nothing is different
but i fall in love with something different about her
     every time
                we're together

sacrifice is my only advice
you cant live life on safe choices
you cant make money through unemployment
you cant be smart without education
take a risk
know your losses
know your wins
count your flaws
know your skills and your downfalls
do what makes you happy is the most important thing of all
you cant be happy with a ****** job
your wife, your kids is what its for
they might not be around for a couple years
you have to look into your future like a fortune cookie
predict what will happy like a crystal ball
money doesn't make happiness
but it sure as hell opens the doors

my minds a magician
playing tricks on my feels
saying one thing but not knowing the outcome it'll leave on me
making me think that the good is the bad
that the bad is good
that the things that make me hurt will be the reason i become happy
that friends are my enemies
and family members are only people who have to put up with you
trust is only someone wanting to get information about you so they can use it against you in the future
love is a poison slipped into your life slowly but kills you in the end
that good things are the reason there are bad things
and if i am never happy i can never be sad
my mind plays a torture game similar to the plot of saw
making me choose fast painless death or a long suffer to stay alive

if I were to attempt suicide today you wouldn't know what to say you'd sit there looking at me with a sad, disappointed kind of gaze trying not to look away Id tell you I was okay I would lie to make you leave even though all I wanted from the beggening was for someone to stay

I'm no one. my peers have made that clear. they've made me realize I'm **** up castaway. the only fear I have is that one day I will be alone. in an apartment with tinted windows and ***** clothes eating cereal out of the same bowl everyday until I get old. and die alone.

what's wrong is that I'm alone. in a home that's not home. I have money and some friends but no one to call my own. headphones and trains to lonely island. when no everyone's looking but blinded. by their own egos and iPhones. social media and alcohol. when I'm sitting behind my sheets crying. wondering what's real and what's a dream of the vivid fanticies I want to come true. who I want to be "you".

it all starts with a text
when we met i sent you a text
we flirted over text
we had pathetic young teenage ******* over texts
you send me nudes over text
so when i get mad for you texting someone else behind my back
why do you get so upset
upset at me for knowing where we started
for knowing exactly what could happen while you two
"friends" talk
if it was nothing why did you lie about it then?
why did you deleted the messages before we hung out?
why did you say "idk who that as"
as the words "hey babe"
came on your screen while we were in bed

it wasn't just at text

winter front
cold white dust running across the roof tops
laying in bed trying your hardest to warm up
the winter rolls in
making me miss it would never begin
the winters beautiful i admit
but i like the summer, the skies and the late nights outside
wearing tshirts, showing skin
be able to sleep without a blanket or sheets
i miss the warm summer breeze
i miss being able to feel the heat on my cheeks
being to warm to wear anything with sleeves
when winter comes around it makes me want us to be
making me think
of the cold winter nights we spent cuddling inside
but now that you're gone winter just *****
not having someone to cuddle and hug
kiss before bed and tell that i love
feel your cold toes on my legs when we wake up
it all ******* *****
i miss you so much
this winter wont be the same as the last
when i think of things that we did in the past
ill get over it and stop looking back
and ill make new memories
with somebody else
no matter how much i miss you
you need to know that you missed out on us

dear future wife
right now as I'm writing this I'm heart broken
three years we dated only to find out she was bored of me
we have broken up more then once in our relationship
but we always found a way back
this time there is no going back

from this point on my heart will be guarded
everyone that steps foot into my life we be tested
no one will be trusted without good reason
it will be guarded better then the white house
no one will get in unless invited

if you want to be around
you need to realize i may be standing but my souls on the ground
realize I'm broken
it will be hard to trust you're not leaving

but once i do trust you
once i do let you in
you will get all my attention
i will love you forever
i will expect our marriage
i will expect us to have our own apartment and kids
i'll do anything for you
from the day that we meet
until the day that we fade

I'll give you all of my love, day after day

i like being home
laying in bed watching tv, writing poems
doing nothing cause i can
or cause i just wont
but working gives me a sense of accomplishment
the feeling that I'm doing something with my life
that work is where i belong
and for the first time in years
work is where i feel most at home

drenched
cold rain dripping down my head
splashing on my cold flesh
playing basket ball with my old friend
every shot i take goes in
every miss i make i laugh at
i think my friend would laugh back
but he got shot in the back
my basketball games are all in my head
but I'd rather pretend then realize that my only friend is dead

the walls shake
from your fists hitting them
from you throwing things across the living room
while i lay in bed your voice echo's through the hall ways
making its way to my room
and just like when i was little it scares me
your anger and slurred words
when you barge into my room demanding me to do things
or sometimes just sometimes putting the blame on me
at 1am while i'm sleeping
waking me up, waking my brother up
you're mad at the world because of the amount of alcohol you've consumed
remember all the times you've cried and promised all of us you'd quit
that you would become sober for the sake of our family
your sober from the drugs but not the one thing that make the anger come out
not the liquid poison that's ruining your relationship with your children
I hate the person you are when you're drunk
which lately is a lot
which has always been a lot
maybe just maybe one day i would like to come home to you sober laughing and having an honest good time
knowing your truly happy
not just because you've downed 14 beers in the last 3 hours
I'm tired of this fake happiness
I'm tired of feeling like the only reason you're happy is because of the 24 pack of beer you order every night
starting to drink at 2pm saying "its 5pm somewhere"
making a joke out of something that hurts me inside
I'm so tired of it sometimes i want to run away from this ****** house just because i'm sick of hearing you scream about everything
7 days until Christmas
how many days until you're sober?

There something about abounded houses that make me sad
Walking into a house that once had kids inside with a mom and a dad
Where memories were made outside in the back
I try to picture the place without the dirt and the trash
I go into the bedrooms and picture everything the kids would’ve had
The posters on the walls and the hot wheels race track
In the back there could have been a pool, swings and a dog playing fetch

Now what lays to rest is an abandoned building
No paint, floor boards or even a ceiling
The grass is tall and the door is left swinging
But if you look at it a different way it’s an opportunity for the taking

If you think about it, it’s not just about a house
It’s also about everyone out there with problems
Whether it’s on the inside or out
With a little love and care they will one day be able to stand by themselves

This poem isn’t really about a house
It’s just a crazy metaphor of something that reminds me of myself
A ****** up teenager who just needs a little help.

There a book that should be published called “the things I shouldn't do”
About when a girl breakups with a guy
About all the things a guy ACTUALLY feels after a girl breaks his heart
Every known movie, book, or even thought says that a guy doesn’t feel a thing
That a guy is so emotionless that after a breakup with a girl that he loved
He has no feeling
He apparently “moves on” or “***** the first girl he sees”
And in some cases that is true
He goes, gets drunk and ***** the first girl he sees
But when hes ******* Stacy or Megan or whatever he name might be
Hes thinking of the girl who just broke his heart
And when he is done ******* her he realizes it doesn’t work
He isn’t over her
After her ****** this unbelievably easy girl he didn’t randomly fall out of love
And the next day when he wakes up he instantly regrets his choice
There is no book for men after a break up.
But there really should be
Because after a break up
WE ARE ******* LOST

as i was laying in bed watching a movie tonight
i got lost in the thoughts of a girl in my mind
we used to hangout at school about a year ago
we had lunches and after school hangouts
watched movies and drank with our friends

then one day she stopped replying to my texts
i wasn't sure why
it made me upset
then she avoided me at school
all i wanted to know is why she just left
so one day i walked up and said
"what did i do? just tell me that"
she said "there is no reason, im sorry goodbye"
and she fled

now sometimes late at nights i think about that
i think that people leave and they feel no regret
but my only regret is that i didn't act on my feelings when i had the chance
i liked this girl because of everything she said
everything we did
everywhere we went
sometimes id go over just to go for a walk with her and her pets
and since she left there hasn't been a day that went by that she hasn't run through my head

I haven't texted her in a long time
but I'm worried if i do she wont answer
she'll just laugh
i miss her a lot and im not sure how to act

im scared of the feeling of wanting someone around
when my ex left it crushed me
but now that i stopped thinking of her for a second it opened my eyes
made me realize that i can be happy by myself
and one day i will be happy with somebody else

"what keep you awake at night" she asked

"the sound of the wind blowing through the cracks of the house
the sound of my dogs nails on the hardwood floors
the feeling that one day everything that i work toward will be forgotten because of a disease called Alzheimer's"

clothes cover the carpet
dishes cover his table
hes been laying in bed for days without a motive to get up
hes depressed because his ex
         hes depressed because the breakup

the only thing in his head are the reasons why he should give up
why death seems like the reason
why his life has no meaning
he thought he had it all, in the form of a human
in the form of a women
in the form of a love song, a poem, a movie
everywhere he looks now he sees the couple that used to be
the relationship he was in
the heart that's now missing

he wakes up every morning forgetting shes gone
he turns over to his phone
to text her good morning
shes gone once again, he feels the same pain he once had
the pain that he felt when she finally left
every morning its like she dumped him for the first time
every night he goes to sleep he wishes he'd die
wishes he wont have to wake up
he tries not to cry
he tries to grab his feelings
                   tries to push them aside
he texts her before bed saying she was his hope
he was his heart
he was everything that kept him from falling apart
he doesn't know what to do
where he should go
all he wants her to know is that without him in her life
hes a mess

sometimes its the things that weren't said that hurt the most
the times id tell you i love you while we fought and you didn't say it back
when i needed your help and you had nothing to say
when we would fight for hours on end and i would get so angry because you wouldn't say anything. you would sit there speechless and not even paying attention to the fact that maybe i would like to make things better.  
when i would call you, you'd pick up but wouldn't say anything.

but sometimes
the times you decided to say nothing we're the best times
like when i would go to your house and need to really cry because how ******* my life is and you wouldn't say anything. you would hold me and kiss my forehead.
the times were i would be so frustrated ranting and rushing around and you would stop me. hold my face and just kiss me.
when i would wake up, say good morning and you'd just smile

sometimes the words you don't say have the biggest meaning

dont tell me you care
cause I'll believe you
I'll put all my trust in you
then you'll leave
and ill be left to believe that the trust i once put into you
you didn't put into me
and then every time someone else says "i care"
I'll laugh in their face
and tell them that they made a mistake
because no matter what they say
the day will come
they will push me away

it was never about what we did
where we went
how much time we talked
how much money we spent

it was about the way you looked at me
how you looked when you were asleep
how you made me stay when i wanted to leave

you think that all i want is *** and you body
but in reality all i want is to have somebody
i want to talk all night and vent about my ****** day
ask how you are twice because the first time you said "im okay"

but now that you've slept with someone else i cant look at you the same
because the thing that i once had
someone else felt that way
someone else had your body someone else made you scream
i know we broke up but to me that's not okay
we cant get back together now because every time i see your face
ill be picturing you with him
in his car
screaming his name

I'm sorry it has to be this way
i cant be here today or tomorrow or the next
i cant feel this pain
i have to end what we have before i end what i have
i need my life to go on
without you in my arms
it'll hurt me for months but it something that has to be done

I've been waiting
waiting by the phone for a text
a text that I'm never going to get
its sad to say that I'm deeply in love with someone
someone who doesn't care that i even exists
we dated for 3 years
but now, now she has someone else
someone else to text
someone else to call the best
nothing hurts more then being the one who got left
because while shes of laughing and having new relationships
I'm stuck here with a mind full of thoughts
and a chest full of
nothing
there nothing left inside my chest

your love is what I crave
your heart is what I'll save
I'll never let you go
I'll kiss you on your face
before you go to bed
before wake up
"baby you're beautiful" I'll whisper
then craze my hand along your cheek

when you left me i stayed home
i didn't leave my house for weeks
i couldn't look at anything with it reminding me
i couldn't see a couple without seeing me kissing your cheek
without me holding you hand walking down the street
without you and me eating pizza and watching tv
without you here there is no me
im lonely
you were my one and only

sometimes i think that the blood in my veins is better off left on the floor
sometimes i think that if i wasn't alive everything would be okay to the people around me.
sometimes I'll be sitting on the bus looking out the dark window of all these houses passing and thinking that in every single one of these houses someone else has their own family and their own totally different lives. think about how amazing that is.
but think about how bad that could be. someone else out there feels exactly the way you do when you're sad, depressed or even suicidal. my official instinct when i hear that is "i wish i could help" but you cant.
sometimes you can do nothing.
sometimes thing are out of your hands.
sometimes its okay to be sad, its okay to cry. but you need to have the strength to pick yourself back up again afterwards.

you appear in the dreams i thought i left behind when you left with no warning
when you packed your things and told me you're leaving and id have to go get my items from you bed room
when you told me im not what you want anymore
as you lay in your bed laughing at my tears and sadness
as your hate breaks through my chest and takes my heart with it
im left to die without any reason of why im alive or what i did right with my life
im an empty book with wet wrinkled pages that nobody wants

A hollow grave
A grave waiting to be filled with my past remains
The past I try to push out before it fills me with pain
But no matter how hard I push to get up with a smile
It’s like the devil on my shoulder weights a ton and likes violence
He pushes me down and screams that I’ll be here forever
No happiness, no fear just a puppet. His personal jester.
My pains the source of his happiness, his joy and pleasure
Pain is his drug, but I’m not the only mind he devours.

I’ve been trying for years to conquer my fears
And push away the things that have brought me to tears
But it’s not easy overcoming the things that brought you here
The past makes you who you are
That’s why it’s so hard not to over think who I once was
The things I once did, the pain I once caused
The people I was with and the times that I have ****** up

Unlike others I don’t enjoy pushing away the pain that’s a bother
I try to sit here and think “what’s the real problem”
If its people in my life then ill push them and shove them
But most of the time I’m the real problem
I have yet to find a way to deal with that pain
Knowing I’m the reason I feel this way
But for now I’ll sit here and drink my sorrows away
“The message is in the bottle”
But how many bottles do I have to go through before it comes to me

i remember some nights we would sit on the couch eating cheap food and laughing for hours at the dumbest tv shows. we would pig out on chocolate and ice cream. we would argue what movie or show to watch next and sometimes we would lay there and just kiss, nothing on. just two lips. we would lay there afterwards and wish that would could fall asleep together but we cant. because if we got caught we would be in trouble. so we would go to her room, i would tuck her in. make my bed on the floor and kiss her slowly before turning off the lights and going to bed.

the next morning I'd wake up to her soft face beside mine, id smile and realize it was the best night of my life. even thought next weekend id relive the same night. i was happy. with you. i wanted that for the rest of my life.