And just like that
the hum of anxiety
slowly rises from its grave
at first I can only hear it if I am listening
in quiet places, all alone
but its volume increases ever so slightly
throughout the day
throughout the week
until it's a roar
deafening me
and drowning out everything else
i want to find the off switch
i want to enjoy
the sound of birds chirping
i want to hear the way you laugh at my jokes
but everything else gets put on mute
while I wrestle with the monster in my head

There is a small hole
in the space between my ribs
right above my lungs
and most of the time
it's tiny
a pin hole really
unnoticeable even to those who know it's there
but on bad days
it grows
it becomes a black hole
collapsing my ribs in
suffocating my lungs
making it impossible to breathe
or to just be
the walls shrink in on me
and i feel so alone
all i wish for is sleep
but I know it doesn't help
so i keep moving
imitating a regular day
going through the motions
until the day ends
and i collapse in tears
falling asleep
to the tears sliding down my face
and my exasperated lungs
gasping for another breath
I dream that everything is okay
that I am back to a pin hole
and not an all consuming black hole
when I wake up
some days
I've already forgotten about yesterday
but some
Are just a repeat of the hell
that I just barely survived

A yellow bandanna
the smell of bon fire
and the feeling of freedom

cold water on hot days
cigars on the porch
and your arm around me

But spring has come
and with it
a whole new summer

I dream of the words
melting in my mouth
and leaking out
unexpectedly
he then knows
that my feelings
are stronger than I led on
In my dreams he always
picks up the words
playing with them in his hands
until they again form
and he gives them back
but I never know
if he is trying to tell me
he loves me too
or if he wants me to take it all back
and pretend it never came out

"what is love?"
a question asked by an inquisitive 3 year old
love is something I have for you
a well meaning mom attempts to explain
love is what your dad and I have
we love each other and we love you
she says, trying to convince herself of the same
you will be raised in a house full of love
and that was her hope
but she couldn't make a man love
and so she taught her children
what love wasn't but labeled it as what love was
in hopes that they would feel
like they had grown up
in a loving environment
but as adults they struggled
their relationships never lasting
because love had always been
half hearted attempts on holidays and birth days
but cruel words and inattention the rest of the year
it had been painful and loud
never soft and easy
It takes a lot to peel off the label of love
and realize that jar you'd been given
was a misprint
it took them years even a lifetime
to rebuild an idea of love
into something that was true

I look up
to the cliff above
sigh
I turned around
and shook my head

I can't
there's no way
even if I climb it
I couldn't get down
the water isn't deep enough
the sides are too steep

So in silence we sat
watching the waves roll in
letting the silence
consume the space between us

Until he said
yeah you really couldn't
I mean maybe I could
but not you

I was taken aback
how dare he say I can't
I could do anything
if I want to

I looked back up
at the perilous slopes
back down
at the waves crashing into sea boulders

And I stood up
grabbed by bags
and started my journey
to the top

Because no fear
would stand in the way
and absolutely no one
could tell me I was incapable

Is falling into love worth it
when you can't swim
and the water is infested with sharks

I know that we can not be
any version of us
will just end with shattered hearts
and missing pieces

I tell myself I am happy
to have a friend like him
someone to share poems with
to share ideas with

I tell my friends
that I don't want to be with him
that it could simply never be
him and I will never work

But every time he leaves
I feel an emptiness
in my chest
a hollow part of me

He fills this void
In a way I have never felt before
and even though I say no
my heart is screaming yes

So I quietly pursue a relationship
I know will destroy me
just so I can feel whole
If only for a minute

I need to write it down
to solidify the facts
him and I have never been
and will never be
each others future

we were each others present
for a while
and oh how your smile
could light up my day
we were good at the now
but never knew what tomorrow
might bring

As his presence fades
our present ceases to exist
but I have to let that go
because we have no tomorrow
all we had was each other
no goals, no plans
eventually the present must become the past
and I must move on

I want to pour my heart out
but he isn't the right person
this isn't the right time
I want to tell you everything
but you know too much already
and you have your own problems

I don't want this to be a one way street
but I have so many thoughts
so much to say
and no one to listen
no one who cares

so I pour my tiny pieces of myself
into everyone I know
just enough so that they
feel like they know me
but not enough that they feel overwhelmed

I feel like a child
dancing around the facts
in the "i like you"
"do you like me?" phase
I don't want to seem immature
but also I can't take things too fast
making it seem like
i'm more into you than you are to me
can we get past this phase already?

I just want to spend time with you
and love you openly and deeply
That is what I am good at
flirting and first dates are what **** me

I think I truly found what love was with him
all my friends still believe he was just a way for me to pass the time
just someone to be there to entertain me
but he was real love
healthy love
not infatuation or obsession
but truly caring about someone
being willing to help them
in any way they need
but knowing the limitations
of a young relationship
I don't regret any moment I spent with him
any time or love I gave him
because he deserved it all
and now that its over
I know that I can find love again
because it would be impossible for me
to forget what it felt like
to have his love
to have his eyes on me
I know that feeling will come around again
for both of us
and it's okay if we aren't there for each other till the end
because we were there for each other
when we were what each of us needed most

Sadness needs no invitation
no open house
or big party
sadness shows up on your doorstep
whenever it chooses
4am on a snowy night
or 3pm on a sunny day
It has no reason or rhyme sometimes
It just seeks you out
and decides to crash on your couch
an unwelcome guest, sadness is
often overstaying any welcome given

You can move homes
You can run away
but sadness is quite the detective
even in the best hiding spots
it will eventually seek you out
and invite itself back into your life

We laughed
We cried
We said our goodbyes

Did you see my ex
she looks like a mess
thrown back hair
and sweatpants
reminds me of the days
we spent in bed
longing to stay there
but knowing we'd eventually
fall apart

anyone I've loved
I will always love
unless they give me
a reason to hate them
I just can't not love them
their voice reminds me
of all the lovely
compliments we passed back and forth
their smile reminds me
of all the times
we made each other laugh
their touch brings me back
to all the times we touched in the past
to the moments we held each other
alone together

and no matter where I am in life
when I see them
it makes my heart tingle
because it still knows their name
it knows their favorite candy
and the way they played with my hair
and it can't forget how happy
those moments were
even if they are in the past forever.

A hot tea on a cool summer day reminds me:
that even in the blistering summer heat
the clouds can provide shade
that even in the most brutal of winters
you can feel the sun on your cheeks

Why do you think it's okay
to send me snaps
of your shirtless self?

Maybe we were there once
Maybe I was okay with it even after we broke up
for a while
but life has moved on

I have someone else now

I don't need to see your chest hairs
when I talk to you

It's not uncommon
for me to question my future
and not know what I want
for my life

All the uncertainty frightens me
and when the options are weighing me down
I cling to what I do know

**I know that I love you

I am worried that I lost my Joy
my abundant happiness that poured
out from my soul
in the form of an infectious smile
that made me inexplicably me

I get more
"are you okay?" 's
than I do
"you look so happy"
or
"you have such a nice smile"

Was I just so innocent
that it was easy to keep smiling
was it easy to have hope in a future
because I believed it would be brighter than today
why cant I believe that anymore
why is it all so mundane
why don't I feel

I am no more
than champagne
laughing

They called me their friend
but then left me when they felt bored
when they couldn't use me
they stopped pretending

I was dispensable
I was unimportant

and that hurt more than I thought it could
I am fragile you see made of glass
I put my heart in each persons hand
I give them my all
because I don't half *** friendship
I took a risk
And it hurt me in the end
they hurt me
because they couldn't balance
my heart in their life
and it shattered on the floor
And they didn't care to pick up the pieces

I thought
I was an angel
floating above
but gravity was no friend to me
and my wings were merely an illusion
the cold hard ground below me
unforgiving skies above
I was not treasured
by anyone

I feel lost
I feel alone
Like I am standing in the middle of an intersection
With no idea of where to go
No knowledge of where I was going
Or where I came from
No street signs
No map
Confused
And lost
No way to tell
which way is home
A shot in the dark
is my only hope

Sometimes my mind is a broken record
My thoughts stuck on repeat
I've been trying to fix it
unstick it
bring it back
to playing music
glorious symphonies
but usually it just takes time
and in that wait
I must listen
to the pain
of my yesterdays
over and over
screaming for help
and I know that that pain is over
but it is the only thing I can hear
it becomes so real

Lately the only thing I'm interested in is putting myself down
telling myself that I am NOT good enough
treating myself with less respect than I would ever treat anyone else
I don't even give myself the time of day
Just drowning out my thoughts
because they arent worth listening to

No matter what decision I make
I come around to say
It was probably the wrong one

There are many girls out there
with unloving fathers
I am not special in that regard
The difference is
I was always told that he did love me
And maybe in some way he did
But he was never able to show it

...if he really did

So I grew up believing
that the apathetic man
who rarely took interest in me
or the things I cared about
and constantly tore me down
with every mistake I made
was the epidemy of love

I learned to trust words over actions
somewhere deep down
I always knew his actions didn't line up
but you can do anything to convince yourself of love

I have been telling myself for a while
That I never loved him and I never will

But if I don't love him
Then why do I have to bite my tongue
to keep those words from crawling out my lips

I don't have enough time
To forgive you
I know it has been months
But I have been busy
So I set it aside
Hoping the days till your release would be long
But here we are with only 14 left
and I can't even see a picture
of you without wanting to burn it
because you burned me
in more ways than I can count
and call me what you want
but forgiveness doesn't come that easy
not even from your daughter

I think I see
See the evil inside of me

It is no demon
Or wicked wishes

Its the absence of true love

That really brings out the worst in me

One shot,  two shot, three shot,  four  
He sat by sipping his beer,  egging me on
As I attempted to show off my high alcohol tolerance
But ***** doesn't sit well on an empty stomach

Not much time later I asked for food
Which was delayed due to a shortage of effort on his part

When I asked for water  
I was told they didn't have cups

And when I asked for a sober drive they said they would call
But the phone was never picked up

After a while I begged for something  
Anything
To calm my stomach
As they ushered me to the kitchen I could feel it all
I vomited all over the floor
And myself
They laughed it off
"It happens to the best of us"
They said
as though demeaning yourself to that level
was the same as tripping over your shoelaces

When we got back to the room
My head went heavy and my memory became dark
I layed my head on the couch
On when I opened my eyes again my friend
Who was there to keep me safe  
Was 22 shots in
Yes 22 shots
We asked for a ride again but  
"The party was just beginning"
I refused to move so when he offered me  
A night to sleep on his couch  
All I could think was that I liked not having to move
I watched my friend being dragged away by his frat brothers
When my eyes opened again
He was on the couch cuddled up to me
I wanted nothing more than some space to breathe
But couldn't find the words
To express my want for him to leave
When he whispered sweet nothing's in my ear
I realized it was truly time to go
I managed to pick myself up
And asked for a ride home
But "it would be hours before the sober got there"
I stated that I could walk back on my own
But I was informed that it was a poor decision
Because I was a woman and drunk and alone
He said he would figure something else out and left the room
My eyes closed again and I remember being pulled off the couch and pushed up into a bed
And soon he was laying next to me
I just wanted it to be over
And I was past the point of control
I gave up and tried to fall asleep
But then his hands wrapped around me
And slowly moved across my body
I didn't move.  
He reached his hand inside my pants
And I was in shock  
I said stop but it was too quiet
He didn't hear or maybe choose not to
I said it again and his hand pulled away but stayed on my skin
It went blank again

In the morning he drove me home

As he walked out the door
I took a deep breath
It was the end
But it was also the beginning
A fresh start
So to say
And I have the power
To do with it
Whatever I want