I'm about to lose her
And I keep trying not to think about it
But that's all I think about
All day
All the time

Soon she'll be far gone
I won't know how she is
I won't know if she is ok
I won't know how she looks
I won't know if she's alive
I won't know how she's living
Heck
I won't even know where she's living

I won't know if she falls in love again
With someone that's not me
Someone more white
Or
Someone more black

Someone that's just not me

I don't know if she'll miss me
I don't know if she'll wish to be back
I don't know if she'll ever want to call me

I won't know what time it'll be
When it's 4 in the a.m for me
When I'm still awake
Scrolling through the pictures on my phone
Scrolling through the poetry that she once wrote
2 and a half years ago for me
And then
For us
But now
She probably will write again
But I won't ever know
Who it's for
Or
What it's for

God forbid if she writes to me
I may not be able to handle it cuz it's gonna hurt and I know it
It's worse than I think
Worse than she can imagine

Cuz
We're still in love
Mad love
Crazy love
Stupid love

But love nonetheless less

But I will know

How much it hurts
And
That
I still will love her always
And
That
She wasn't just the first
She was my last too

Oh **** it hurts
Oh **** I love her

I wish you really ran to me
The way you used to
When all crashed
And all was broken

I wish you run to me still
The way you write you want to
Because all is breaking
Once again
Including 'us'

I wish that poem was actually for me
But I know it's not
Because if anything
You're running everywhere
But to me

My love I promise you to give you my everything....my triumphs my failures (more failures than triumphs for now) my life my time my love everything....I promise to always be worthy of your trust and to support you and love you when we face our struggles and our tough times.
Since the day our paths crossed back in 2015.... you've loved me annoyed me frustrated me and challenged me in the best of ways and I promise to always love you and annoy you and even frustrate you and challenge you to be a better version of yourself
And.....
And I do not believe in a lot of things but today I wanna tell you some things I do believe in
I believe in sunrise and sunset
I believe in the rain and sunshine and I believe in beauty of life and nature
And I believe that all these things are so so so much better when you have someone to share them with and I want YOU Minha to be that person in my life and most of all I want ME to be that person in your life
And I swear there are 3 words stronger than I love you
And that is
I choose you
I choose you to love forever
I choose you to share my life
I choose you to grow old with
I choose you to have little babies with
And choose you give you my all
And my all may not be enough
And it may even be less and it may even be bad
But it's my all
My everything

I promise to try to give you my best
And to protect you from the winter cold and even the summer heat
And to love you in and out of bed
And I promise to get you the food of your choice
And the juices you want
And the drinks
And to give you my jacket in the cold

So please be my friend and be my lover

I love you Minha

Being so close yet further than we were in distance

2. I know it's your sale on Saturday which I was waiting to be a part of for a year now but now I won't even know about it or how many cupcakes you'll make or how they tasted

3. I know things might get ok soon...they always do but until they don't...I'm aware of the bitter things that'll grow in your heart

4. You won't even show up to see me even if it's the last time

5. I'll regret the decision I made that night even though I didn't mean it and it wasn't such a big deal so the chaos after that will never make sense

6. It kills me more to know that you'll regret the decision you made that night even more and the one you made next morning too.

7. You'll never consider the amount of effort I put to bring you back....you might never understand how much I tried

8. Knowing that in 5 days 3 people would've left you and 1 of them is me and I'm the the only one who you actually kicked out of your life too... 5 3 1 ...I know you hate odd numbers

9. I might have to spend a lifetime waiting for you and waiting to find out why you were so excited about the gifts you got me which I ofcourse never received and you threw some of the things away too

10. You might make another very hasty decision that will **** you later as much as it'll **** me now and I can't do anything but hope for you to be patient and not leave earlier

11. I love the memories and the memoirs but they'll eventually **** me if this is how it is to end.

12. We might never share the same bed wrapped in each other's arms shaking in pleasure and that is something I can't have with anyone but you

13. The fact that last night I had enough in me to put my dad's gun to my head and eventually pull the trigger too....only to hear the clack of an empty gun and I can't stop but wish it had a bullet and hope that maybe next time it will

Her mouth muttering knives
Her lips uttering despise

She has a memory so temporary
That her hate becomes permanent

Forgetting
The heart she heard beating for her
The soul fulfilling her emptiness
The mind that filled her with ideas

Remembering
The fight about that boy on the beach
The quarrel over that phone call
The skirmish about her revealing dress  

How could you but
Remove the reminiscence of memories

Memories of events...
That'll last a lifetime

No matter how good
Or bad the lifetime is

Bitterness is a *****
Much like her

Sing Oh boy  Sing
The melody is sad
The pitch feels low
The tempo is down
And your heart beat's high

Sing Sing Sing
The birds are quiet
The waves silent
The wind is soft
Oh You are sound

Sing Sing Sing
The words beg you for life
The notes beg your emotion

Oh boy
Knit life out of voice
This dark night  begs
Sing Sing Sing

The voices in my head are getting so loud. They want me to jump off the ******* building or electrocute myself or shoot myself or jump in front of a car. They are thoughts of you and memories which I can't live without. Memories I don't want to live without but I only want these memories if I have you. Long distance is hard, it kills and you fight a lot but when you love, you love a lot more. I saw pictures of you with other men (men not man) and you already know how I feel about that. You already know I hate that. Those ******* pictures make me bitter about you but my heart, oh my heart just wants to embrace you and love you. I remember how you sat me down and promised that this will never happen again and it did. I remember how you called me one night and promised me that wont happen but that did too. You broke your promise, your commitment and my trust too. Speaking of that picture again (I just can't get it out of my head), you had said the night before that you will only hang out with your girlfriends and you'll keep your distance from those boys but well you couldn't keep that word either and then you didn't even tell me about how you sat with that boy (whose name rhymes with cheese) and watched the concert at the beach while I was unaware, missing you because I had a surprise news for you. I never gave you that news and I guess you will never know now that you aren't here. I never asked for too much. Just the simple stuff and that was my right too and you know I was right too. Just asked for you to not expose your curves, to stay simple, to not get pictures like that (the one mentioned above, still can't get over it), not to be in a situation that leads to pictures like that & to not break your promises. Tell me was that too much. You said I was insecure and maybe I sound like it too and maybe to some extent I am insecure because I didn't want to lose you and I couldn't bare see your name or you besides another man, but was that too much to ask for. Because that was all I asked for. Can someone please hit my head with a baseball bat and make me forget everything including my name or who I am. Because I want all this to end. Oh I want all this to end. And I know you will be back again like every time but you will continue on this path of broken promises and false commitments mixed with your ******* lies. Hope. Hope though is a ***** that makes you believe it won't (or will) happen when you know that it will. And I know it will.