When you leave
leave me with an umbrella
to walk under the grey clouds with
to remember you by
something
so
I know
I wasn’t the only
one who thought that
we meant something more
but to you I am only a
friend asking to
much of you
only
wishing you
thought of me the
same way as
I do you
so please
don’t
leave.

Why do I have to be so confident all the time?
It’s as if I’m not allowed to be full of broken pieces
I have to be whole, for someone to want me
But who of us feels whole 100 percent of the time?
Isn’t 90% enough?
For some reason though,
We are taught to hold this all in
“Girls, guys like to see confidence”
“Show a little attitude and strut
           your stuff to grab his attention”
“Make a statement!”
With all the broken bottled up…
….it’s bound to burst.

The stars twinkle against the dark sky wishing you a goodnight,
and as a promise of the beautiful day that lies ahead of you.

In his greedy hands,
I’m just a doll,
Not a person.
With a beating heart.
With an imagination.
No, I’m just a piece of space,
I don’t have thoughts,
I don’t have feelings.
I’m just some toy,
Who would not care.
In his greedy hands,
I’m only an object,
An object not worth much.

You may have torn me apart
Undressed me
For all your pleasure
Sang me a lullaby
To get your way
You are a devil in disguise.
Spewing lies as a natural language
The language of deceitful, cunning lies

The hell you put inside of me
I want out
But you don’t have the key do you
I’m trapped within myself
So you’re not the devil are you?
But the devils help.
The only devil lives with me,
Everyday.  **And you don’t even know.

She had seen him a million times in her life. He was at her wedding as she married a different man. He stood at the altar and supported her as he always did.

So why was this time different? They spoke to each other in a way they hadn’t in a long time. She laughed in a different way, as she knew she would always be in love with this man.

So when he said “I wanted to kiss you” it made sense why her mind spiraled out of control. She, a married woman, loved this man, but he was taken by another woman.

When your alone
the fear creeps back
reminding you,
your alone, no one knows,
the pain inside, just wanting to
meet one who understands what
its like to be tagged,
and to be the only one with the tag,
some genetic mutation
not inherited, in a sea of people
you, the mutation
almost like your
a science project gone bad.
The stares, the words
all blending into one word,
not remembering all that is said
forgetting the important words
conversations slipping not
remembering
lost.

I didn't believe in love at first sight tell I meet you
But that doesn't mean our fairy tail ended happily ever after
We had differnt dreams then
I still have the same one
Still get butterflies when you enter the room
But do you?
You seem cold, distant, and unrecognizable these days.
And I can't do it
I can't love someone who doesn't love me
And say kind things to brighten my day.
Not once did you tell me I was beautiful, pretty, or gorgeous.
But I'm telling you this now, no one could love you like I could.

Unwanted
Trash
Unworthy
Ugly
Misfit
Weird
Friendless
Unneeded
Rejected
Useless
Freak
******
Disfigured
**M­e

Why do the tears still come?
Yet i hide behind laughs.
Thinking he likes the outside.
He doesn’t know about the fight
The fight that tears me apart.
The fight I still don’t know how to win.
The fight that seems to never end.
So I will shed my last tear,
close my eyes,
and be the girl I am supposed to be.

She stand back from the crowd
music blasting in her ears
so she can drown out the world,
she pulls her sweat shirt off
and puts her hat and mask on.
Stepping through the crowd
making her way to her podium
her pedestal, her stage.
The whistle blows loud and
she snaps out of it coming back
to the real would.
She steps onto her platform
digging her feet into the sandpaper
so she wont fall.  The director
says the words she has herd all
her life and she does what she is told.
When the beep sounds she flies
off her platform with so much
strength and enter the water free,
her body flows through as if she was
made from water.  Someone walks by
bumping her accidentally throwing her back
to reality, music still pounding in her ears
she pulls off her sweat shirt for real this
time seeing the eyes of her competitors on
her, sizing her up as she does the same.
But she hears there thoughts in her own
head instead.
Impostor.
Pretender.
Fake.
She turns the volume up a little more not wanting
to hear the unsaid words.  But looks up to see
she is to late. She takes her music out with
shaking hands and puts her hat and mask on
and makes her way over to her block when
the impossible loud whistle blows she climbs
up shaking.  She hears the beep but the
powerful dive doesn’t come, instead she falls
in, she moves her muscles trying to find her spot
but all she can hear in her head are the words
unsaid, and the stairs of her competitors,
herself.

When your alone
the page stairs at you
the fear creeps back
reminding you,
your alone
no one knows,
the pain inside
just wanting to
meet one who
understands what
its like to be tagged,
and to be the only one
with the tag,
some genetic mutation
not inherited
in a sea of people
you
the mutation
almost like your
a science project
gone bad.
The stares
the words
mutation
science
project
fear
all blending into
one word
not remembering
all that is said
forgetting the
important words
conversations
slipping
not remembering
lost.

I wanted to believe you.
I wanted to believe all the lies you told me.
I knew you were lying.
I knew from the beginning it was all just a game.
But yet every time you whispered,
Whispered into my ear how beautiful I am,
I believed.
Believed more than the last
That someone like you
Could ever care about me.
But now I know.
I don’t mean anything
To you.
I never did.
Nor ever will.

Your driving with both hands on the wheel
yet you find yourself spinning
out of control .
tell you stop.
stuck in a ditch.
in the middle of nowhere
you wonder how you even got there
you never remember taking these roads
or thinking you would ever wake up
lost and alone.
but yet you're here
searching for a way out
but when the way out is more painful then staying
why get out?
why not just stay.
survive.
but we're human.
always searching for life
something that makes us feel alive.
safe and happy.
two weeks later you wonder
if you made the right choice.
I did.

Here the blank page stairs at me
waiting for the ink to touch its
perfect whiteness to change it
into something else entirely like a
butterfly comes out of a cocoon.
Something beautiful. Being created so
delicately with one fold its broken.

Missing you even more
everyday, I want to
call but I don't want
to be let down when
you don't answer, I
have so much to tell
you but I forget it all
when I hear your voice.
Your not just a guy of
my past, your way more
then that, and I wish I
could tell you that much.

The possibility of forever
unfolding onto the blank canvas
that is the past, the present, the future
putting this moment into the next as one
making one life whole in another
until both life's are one in the mirror
moving one in the same
keeping the beat of the heart
living everyday as one, as like the last
this is the possibility of forever.

Dee Bach is not me
only a cover,
to let out the pain inside.
But she is not me anymore
I do not feel the daily
pain that once was.  
For I am me.
I am Tricia.

Here is the real thing
Friends ignoring and lying
Not wanting you to know
About the truth tell
Your the only one to tell
Boys not calling you
Ignoring you wishing
You just had one
When she has three
Welcome to life as it is

tell me something
how does one listen
if the other does not speak

how does one heal
when the other cares
about himself

how does one believe
when the other one
doesn’t support

how does one live
when the other is
tearing them down
and blames the one
that is trying for all
the problems
that life is unhappy
life is boring
and dead.
tell me something
when did you try?

When you swim no one can
see the tears they just fill
your goggles lap after lap
tell your eyes are dry
nothing left.
It’s your world no one to
ask the questions you don’t want
to answer the things that
creep around and scare you
the things you are running
from inside.  

But what if your tired
or running, with no stop
you want someone to
dive in and find you
and pull you out.
To not be alone in the
world anymore, to have
a hand to hold, someone
to hold you, before the
screams come.

The picture sits
to near the edge of unknown
with one mistake it tips
off, falling to the
pristine hard wood floor
glass shards fly in all directions,
when everything is still
the girl walks in to see it
lying broken on the floor
her hopes and dreams falling with it.
She silently cleans up the big pieces
putting them in a bag, slicing her
fingers along the way, not feeling
anything. Tired, lost, and dreamless.
But shards still lie on the floor
to remind her what could have been
to remind her she can still put the pieces together
for she has them all, just needs to remember
what the picture was before.

Why is it so hard sometimes
to wear the smile everyone knows
Why is it so hard to talk to people.
Why can’t I seem to do a simple fact in life.
*Live

Are you running to fast?
trying to keep up with the leader?
but the people you want to watch,
are looking the other way?
you glance up to see there
encouraging smiles
but one stairs off into the distance
the other on the phone.
Do you wonder if they see you about
to take first place only to trip and fall
because you looked to see if they
were watching you.

Afterwards they don’t even
ask about the fall.  
they congratulate you,
after you lie to them
saying you got first.
They go back to their business.
You go to your brothers meet
they sand up yelling and screaming
at him to go faster and critique him
at the end of the day
and you wonder do they even see you.

To look Beautiful all you have to do is feel Beautiful.
Makeup is something used just to cover up ones beauty.

Why must every high, inevitably fall to a low
every time I feel like I finally made it out
I find myself back under the covers screaming
wanting out. Scratching at the air trying to find
the way out. getting a hold of nothing sinking
deeper and deeper into the covers until no one
can find me.  once I hit bottom i reach around
blindly looking for the way to climb back up
slowly finding my footing remembering what
it's feels like to smile and actually feel your lips
turning up, feeling the smiles of everyone around me
but as soon as I think I'm out, something always
shoves me back down, until someone will be
brave enough to catch me before I fall.

Sometimes I lose track of myself
I’m not proud of it.
It’s not like I try to see darkness.
I love the feeling of the sun
The feel of it burning through me
the feeling of being alive
young wild and free
the feeling you get
on a summer night hands up
wind blowing through your hair
driving down the back roads
But every moment can’t be like this.
Everyone has a dark side
fighting them
it’s only a matter of time
before the walls fall.

do you like what you see?
staring back at you?
the cap with the dangling tassel
by your face
the oversized gown
the “kids” you grew up with
all around you  
they give you hugs and say “CONGRADUALATIONS”
why do we go through these motions?
I never was one of them
always on the outside.
the people who are
supposed to be at your side
vanish.

Almost done.

The last line forms
The one that leads you
To the end of the dark.
“Almost done” I whisper,
to myself,
and smile at the thought
as the camera snaps the moment
of “almost done”
she walks across the stage
but your hands don’t clap
you watch her and hold back
the tears, remembering all the
fights, but not the fun.  She glances
over her shoulder and smiles,
and I smile to for she has to
know this is all a lie
the lie of us.
I’m done.

Do you ever look back and think what could have been?  Look at that time when I was scared. And maybe if I was stronger, we would have had something?  Or if you would have know what words I needed to hear, or understood what I was going through.  Otherwise we were just destined to be where we are today.  Barely speaking.

Your eyes wander my body
my hearts beats faster and faster
waiting for the taste of your lips
against mine.
I close my eyes and breathe in
the moment
for you never know
when a moment like this
will be lost.