I'm not here to ask for money or power
I don't want control of the world
Or be the second coming of jesus
Instead
I'll give you everything I own
And more
I'll repent my sins and change my ways
Attend every Sunday service
Give ten percent then another ten
Never question you or life again
I'll volunteer to build a park for poor kids
Shelter the homeless and feed the hungry
I'll go back and right every wrong
Make sure others don't follow the same road
Quit smoking and stop drinking
Become a gym rat and stay away from sugar
I'll even get on my knees to praise you
Refrain from the jokes about you
Spread the word with strangers about you
Then  I'll leave an empty space incase you want more


In return all I ask for
Is to help me be half as happy as I was with her
I feel like this is fair and deserving
If you accept I'll never ask for anything again


Wait , I want to change that
Just watch over and keep her protected
Never let her smile fade and make sure she always feel loved
And I'll be fine as long as you can do that

Two am and I'm wide awake
Pacing the floor beside a bed I once shared with a woman that use to love me
Now it sits cold and empty
Dark mental images keep me from sleep
So I grab my phone to release the pain
Try to make words rhyme to post them online
Maybe impress a few strangers
Pray at least one hits like
So I can feel like I'm worth more then nothing

Mixing liquor and coke
One shot chased with two lines
Label it poetry but to me...
This is my heart bleeding
Asking what if while reliving the past making bad memories reignite the flame
On the same road I spent half my life on
Four hundred and sixty nine pairs of shoes I have worn out on broken lane
Shed more tears then three oceans could hold
Wonder aloud why I still ask questions When I been waiting on answers since 99
The cherry from these Marlboro reds is the only light ahead of me
Been secluded so long I ******* hate me
Man life just loves to penetrate me
Tried of being on the downside of the bright side
If this is to dark I'm sorry but it's all I been allowed to know
You holy father took most of my family
And that ***** I mentioned in the second line stole the rest from me
Jesus Christ what do you have aginest me...

I'm sorry Lord please forgive me
Truth is i changed in ways that makes me ashamed
No longer the man of yesteryear
To look at me now you would never believe the greatest woman to ever be raised me
Am I to lost to find the real me
Me...
Me...
Selfish ******* look how many lines end with me
It wasn't you that cancer killed
You ever fell asleep just to never wake again
You know about bring bedridden while your body decides to slowly fade away
Be honest with yourself
Do you blame her for taking the kids away
Turned this house into a hell hole
Preach you want change but afraid to take that step
Who can live when their lying to their self
My advice is ...
If you tired of this downhill road
Turn your *** around
Fight the battle that leads to higher ground
If that's to much then carry on
Find a spot and dig your hole
We don't need the dead walking around up here

Nobody told me about this side of life
The dark and eerie
The secrets of sinners
Lost and mislead
Sad and lonely
Broke and hungry
The side of life I put myself in

Been little Debbie broke
That's two honey buns shared
Over three square meals
Slept with the tv on
Sound of static drown out the noise of hunger
Had my priorities more ****** up
Then Eric Wright had priority

Seen my brother forced to the streets
Falsely accused
And called upon way to soon
Six years after my mother suffered
Two rounds of chemo couldn't stop it
Doctors that waited to long
She fought to hold on
But eventually even the strongest is called on
Two great souls the lord stole

Perfect maybe
Definitly greedy
Cause I sit here having flashbacks of a few months ago
Watching my pops bedridden
On more morphine then the whole line at the methadone clinic
Sixty years drug free then the Lord felt the need
Made a grown man see his self as a pill ****** right before calling his name


John Wayne
The last real man left
Ten after five he took that final  breathe
Five ten a.m. the last real man left
Fifty minutes before six God decided to take one more

Slipped back to my old ways
Like 2001on replay
On that coke again
Chopping lines for days
Pretending
Lying
Yeah I'm ok
While having suicidal thoughts
Hiding to cry while staring in the mirror
Thinking grow the **** up
You to **** old
Get that straw from your nose
For once I listened
Did as I was told
Removed it to use to load a bowl

From Lady White to Miss Tina
Love with the first hit
She's a bad *****
A street *****
With a powerful grip
A demanding *****
Whatever you have she takes
With no remorse
Doing whatever to keep her from running away
Lock yourself in to keep family and friends locked out
Lie and steal to keep her here
Knowing its only her that keeps you well

No second guessing who's in control now
How quick things have changed now
Lost my income
Dodging the landlord
Rent a center beating on the door
Owe the dealer for two teens
Laying naked on floor
As blood flows
From a hole that caused my brains to fall out
Another man who couldn't take it
One who wasn't waiting for another to decide his faith
One who finally got his way

To who it may concern
Sorry you had to find me
It's ok to turn around never speaking of what you seen
Theirs nobody to inform
My family already left
I wasn't a bad guy
Just a lost man who lost it all
Who ended up selling my soul
Cause I refused to listen
Kept chasing that feeling
My existence was never needed
Save yourself the trouble like the rest did
Just keep walking by
Act like nothing happen
Save your heroics for somebody worth a ****

She's  missing a hand because it was holding mine
That cutout use to be me
My smile was as big as theirs
April of two thousand and fourteen at Clearwater Beach
We had a stranger take it twice
A lady with a green hat walked into the first shot
Back when our future had a sense of being endless like the ocean view
Back when I was old enough but not wise enough to catch the clues
Back when you had me believing you really loved me

It's a old picture with a new face
He's held in by scotch tape
She's still missing her hand
I can still feel it in mine
He wasn't there so that smile is fake
He wasn't the one who danced under the stars as the moon provided a spotlight
Down the beach letting the waves wet our feet
Is he the reason you started with the lies
What does he have I don't
Is this the man you stopped loving me for
If it was meant to be their wouldn't be a need for that tape
Besides he looks as out of place as you do when your with him
Who wears suit and tie on the beach anyways

That pictue is now ashes
I couldn't take it anymore
It went up quick
To quick so I poured gas on the ashes and burned them some more
That mark on the floor is permanent
Like the bad taste you left in my mouth
But as soon as I can put these pieces back together
I'm going to love again
The shore is in sight
Higher ground I'll soon be standing on
I want to laugh in your face
Brag till it makes you break
But I won't
Because I can't
Love won't allow that
I'll always be here
I refuse to pretend some of the best days I ever had wasn't with you
You walking away won't make me regret seven years of my past
It's how you get a win from a loss

Burnt by the Sun that lights the days that I recently started to sleep away
Ashes in the wind sparkle the nights that allow me to hide and drink to the dark thoughts I hold in
Trying to force distance between memories and myself
A life thats been *****
So I contemplate how to use this blade
Save the it'll get better and everything happens for a reason lines
I don't live by cliches
I hate pain so I cut myself to ease the heartache
Enough blood to cause a flood
Clean the regrets from mistakes I made
Old man living lost in life
Keep your couple of dimes and cold french fries
I'm not begging for help
Waiting for traffic to pick up
If I had a sign it would read
God did you forget about me
Why so long for these open wounds to heal
Last one left on the sideline
Couples holding hands passing by
Can I have alittle happiness
Or am I the ******* child
Are you black and racist
Or is this your other personality coming alive
Just releasing some hate you had stored up for me
To far gone to quit
My white flag is red
To far gone to come back
My will is dead
My head fried like an egg on those old this your brain on drugs ad campaigns
This sub **** is not for a dom
I'm leaving you like Jesus left earth for heaven
Moving on to better
Que up the tears and practice telling someone how you miss me
These ears are deaf to your ****
And these eyes are no longer blind to your ****
My feelings won't allow me to continue letting you get away with your ****
It's been going on for to long so it's about time I put a end to this *******

I'm the bottom of the pit I allowed myself to fall into
With no rope
What's the point of hope
Free falling part 2
I just need a beat to sing to
I would pray but these days
I'm closer to the devil
Stepson of satin lost in lust to the next one to give it up
Take the shovel and save the world
Bury the evil so the good carries on

Rain washes the blood away
Cleans the scene so it's ready for the next
Which we always act surprised by
Add another lock on the door
Gun in our drawer
Turning our home into a jail
Never realizing who the inmates are
False belief on thinking we're in charge
Celebrating victory to soon
Check the clock
It's lunch time
Be ready to surrender when the day resumes

These days life is out of our hands
Kids shooting for a few dollars
Grown men **** to feel tough
Women completely flipped
Shooting **** just to make sure the trigger works
Shell casings litter the ground
Right beside needles and dope bags
Across the street from where a group of kids play
Ten miles from the tracks that once divided this town We're over that now
Cause everybody uses now
The drug addicted city
Not a piece of copper to be found
Every time a dealer comes through it's a sell out event
Can someone tell anyone we need help
A city going under
New Orleans minus the water
Guess we'll wait till it's to late
You know when people finally wake up
I wish this one was one I made up

I'm offbeat humming a tune
Making it difficult for you to tap your feet
You decide to scream out of key
Staring at me as I stare at you
Silence broken by you asking
Should we take this home
Counted me in on three
I speak about what I know
I only believe what I see
And I have seen a right and left not make a perfect pair
I'm the type that would rather smoke the trees then count the leafs
Live life instead of living for afterlife
Pushing your beliefs won't make me believe
Love is far from free
Hate holds more weight
Hard to love with hate
Thanks to the pain I hate to love
I threw twelve nickles in a well
I threw sixty cents away
My last girlfriend was out here to teach me
Failing is not the worst part of failure
That would be holding on to long
Love to hate to loneiness to regrets
Now I sit with torn pictures and scotch tape
Till I finish off a fifth of liquor
From Facebook you would think my life is perfect
Fake as the smile on this aged face
Sad as the man with that fake smile and aged face

Im giving up
Throwing in the towel while waving a white flag
Admitting defeat
I'll step to the side
I'm beat
Wait for my spot at the end of the line
Finish where I think I started
Last place
No need to wait
Go ahead
Finish the race
Hand the trophies out
Keep my constellation prize
I'm fading and doubt I'll make it before roads reopen
No joke this time
This time time ain't on my side

At the end of my rope
So why keep hanging around
Skip tying a noose and chocking myself out
I'm just going to let go
Free fall into darkness without warning
No chance of being saved
For all my supporters have already been called on
Which tells me
I have overstayed this place
Past my checkout time
Rather die then be that guy
I should go while I still have a piece of my mind
No need to stand up
I'll follow the exit signs
Better yet I just go out the way I came in

Out of touch
Out of time
Out of my mind I must be
From what others say
I don't even know me
So why keep the clock ticking
Feeling like I'm stealing valuable space
All just to sit here and wait to waste away
Like a drunk with unlimited drinks
Or a ****** with endless dope and great veins
I wanted to live forever
Then I quit drugs and reality set in
If Jesus's dad didn't **** half my family
I wouldn't be this loose cannon
Lord show me a miracle for God's sake
It was fun till the fun ran out
Bring the fun back
Scratch that
I forgot this is my last act
One last cigarette
As I stare in the mirror
Everybody wants somebody to wave back
Let the curtan drop
After the gun shot everyone sing along
Where do bad boys go when they die
They don't go to heaven where......

This was going to be another I love you poem
A please don't go plea
Explain how the pain is to much
Desricbe the heart break
How I want to drink these tears dry
Beg for more time and promise change
This was going to show how sorry I am in a hundred different ways
Let you know that if your gone then I want to go to
This was going to be filled with words that would keep you here
I would beg if needed
Give whoever whatever if we continued forever
But it never got the chance


Passed out before writing the first word out
Woke with pen still in my hand
Paper scattered on the bed
Leaned over to the pillow that would've been holding your head
Took a deep breathe then kissed it softly
First time in nine years your lips wasn't there
First time in nine years my day began with tears wetting my face
Few got by cleaning the sleep dust from my eyes
Just before anger stopped the chance to really cry
Why?
Why this ?
Why now?
Why am I beginning to smile?
Am I not hurting as much as I should?
Did I not love you as much I believed?
Staring at the empty bed I finally see what was lost for a long time
You bright eyed and laughing
Then I  hear you telling me your quote of the day
Happy for no other reason then that's the type of person you are
Gone was the look of pain and misery that deprived you of the life you loved
And the world of your beautiful smile
Everything will change by not changing at all
I promise that our forever will continue one day
Untill then I ask you to keep an eye on me from your view in the sky
And I'll continue to do what I always done
That's looking up to you

Why would I be concerned with water when I could careless if I die of thirst
Would be like giving a man with a feeding tube hot soup
More senseless then a blind hunter in a deer stand holding a stick waiting to shoot
Your the type that would point to the fence then smack a infield fly
I stay with black circles under my eyes
Always in the dark
I stay in the dark cause I refuse to pay the eletric electricity
I see things clearly
No need for light to be shined
No need for a clock to hang on the wall
Time is irrelevant
Every minute is wasted with pure hate and fakeness
You know the difference between a sinner and a saint
One is a better liar
Hear that kids
The key to life is be a good liar
If nobody wants to hear what you say then your a liar anyway
So the better you are the further up the ladder you will climb
And if their is a heaven and hell, don't worry
It can't be to bad
I heard you can dance with the devil
And to me that's better them praising someone who planted sin then ran when it sprouted
You ask why so much is spent to send man in the sky and so little on deeper dives
It's our eyes
They always show the truth
Mine show me your a slave to your selfish ways
I need a me too moment
Or do I need to wait till I make millions
I'm as broke as the public school system
So I know they could **** me infront of city hall and not one person will care at all
Toothpick barely over a buck
Trying to gain weight
Help boost my plasma pay
I need it
Little Debbie keeps raising her price
Got me hooked pushing her **** for twenty five cents
Now I'm buying 305s to have enough left for one **** oatmeal pie
Sugar at three hundred and sixty nine
Sold my insulin for some gummies
High with the munchies sitting in the dark with just six cigarette butts left
On second thought let me get a sip of that smart water
Wet my lips so I can finish this ****
Quick to call a woman a *****
A gay man a ***
Lesibean a ****
Or atleast the ones who look in the mirror and hate what they see do
No smart man accepts a label
Kiss who you want
Make love to the world
You ask what am I
I'll look you in the eye like I'm the one wanting a reply
It's time to end the show
Pack my things and go
This ain't till next time
This is goodbye
As in goodbye we will never see each other again
Now watch me walk away and slowly disappear into thin air right as you blink your eyes

I feel like standing tall with my chest out while taking a stand against something I don't believe in
I just need to find something I feel that strong for
I feel like I'm wasting time trying to decide which decision I choose would be right
Who else feels like it happens so much that wrong eventually feels right
I feel young , free , old and caged
Half the time I feel like I don't even know me
I feel high probably because I'm on the second floor wishing it was the top deck of a cruise ship and I'm waving bye to strangers standing on the shore
I feel alone and scared like I'm hungry but full
This void I feel has me feeling useless to the world
The tears I shed makes me feel weak
Starting from nothing after my last relationship really feels like maybe it ain't worth it
I feel like my heart has been torn out and stomped on so much that I'm unable to feel it when my heart beats
Feeling like I made my biggest mistake by trying to correct what was my biggest mistake
Wouldn't it be great if I could feel the feeling that a child feels
No problems, no stress and no feeling like I failed at this life
I feel like I'm sure you feel about this
Asking who cares how I feel or what my feelings are when I'm not concerned with how you feel
I feel like I abused my first forty years of life
And I don't have a good feeling that I have another forty left
I do feel thankful and I feel blessed
I feel like if I wakeup tomorrow then God feels like I'm worth a few more breathes
If not then I feel like he felt like I needed the rest

I just need one
One gun to hold one bullet
One finger to pull one trigger
One hit to to take off one side of your face
Taking your family's one chance to say goodbye away
One memory so every year I can celebrate
Maybe get me a one tear tatto
Falling off one eye of one happy man
Take one minute to pump one fist in the air
As you lay I'll take one picture
So when that one day comes that I hear your kid say he don't remember
I'll give him the chance to never forget
I just need one gun for one chance to get revenge
I lost my one son because of one man with one gun

Shot out and brain damaged
A paranoid loose cannon
One who if breathing is one who is high
Started early and by early I mean before I could open my eyes
Floor still covered in my mess as I begin having withdraws
A crackhead mom sharing through my umbilical cord
Now two fiends alone rocking back and forth
Easier to let a baby taste the stem then listen to a baby cry
Your mother made sure you was fed
Filled your head with knowledge and heart with love
Mine pushed my swing while giving head to get our fix
Each doing what they knew
While you were getting ready for your first day of school
I was packing waiting on mine who finished serving time
Kiss your dad goodnight
While I lock the door from my mothers  friends
You kneel and pray to say thanks for how blessed you are
I silently cry out loud asking why
Tomorrow is another chance to make a change
But I know we both will wake to the samething
Me to nothing and you to a good breakfast
Oh you thought I meant the same same thing
No I live in reality
No man can turn nothing into something
Get your friends and give each a different color
Draw beautiful pictures with chalk on the sidewalk
I'll just stand here watching them outline a man's body on the sidewalk
Tune in at six I'll be on the evening news
It's nothing new
I'm beside all the fallen bodies Hoping some change fell loose
For someone to win another has to lose
I don't mind that you love life
I just don't understand why mine has to be like it is
Lord I accept I'll never win but why do I have to be so far behind
Would it hurt if I could tie one time
Am I'm not worth a decent life
They say we die when you call our name
Must have stopped halfway through mine
Atleast tell me why you bless some and seem to ignore the rest
Do you need help
Did you go blind
Do I need to sell my soul
Somebody
Anybody please tell me why a fourteen year old has suffered so much
Why am I asking people who could careless
You think I like asking for a hand out
Yeah I smell and I'm *****
I'm hungry too
I guess the only way to win is committing the ultimate sin

I love you
At times I don't want to
I tried everything not to
But like I always said
Theirs something about you
I love you
Even when you let me know I mean nothing to you
Or worse
When others let me know how you really feel
It's a brutal beating every time
You think I would be tired of it
And I am but it's alot harder being away from you then it is to pick myself up again
I love you
Even when you tell me theirs better
After you tried with others pushing me off the edge
I often wonder what position I was in
But the walk was to far from the back for me to ask
Besides I was just happy to have any spot in line
I love you
But your wrong when you say I tried holding you back
Or holding you down or holding you anyway except  tightly in my arms feeling your chest move from your heartbeat
From night one I expressed who I seen
Not to try and get you in bed
Something had me feeling things I never felt before
I didn't say it but I could've and I would've meant it if I said it right then
I love you
Not just because of your beauty or how smart you are, not only because I find you funny and easy to talk to
It's more then just your long legs and seductive smile ,
Goes beyond how you look **** and the way I feel when I look at you
It's just because your you
And I love who you are
I love you
And I hate me
I thought I liked myself more then to allow me to fall for someone who never seen me as I seen them
One who said they wanted forever but seemed to never give up looking
I love you
And I hate me
Why would I continue to hurt myself by feeling the feelings I do for you
What can't I understand about how easy it was for you to walk away
Looking back only to make sure I was still there just in case you needed someone to catch when you fell back
I love you
And I hate me
I have a thousand more reasons but why pen them if the person reading them does so with blind eyes
Why tell them if the person I need to hear it has deaf ears
It's like trying to love with no love to give because the person who you want to feel your love has stole your love making you hate everything about you

They didn't lie
Time does fly
Yesterday had me at sixteen
Now I'm just old
Haven't been through it all
But I seen dark days
More self inflicted then not
I guess it's just life
No worse then the next
No more tears shed then you my friend
My heart breaks and the pain is the same as the rest
Don't get wrong
I had more good then bad
I love life and wouldn't change the worse of the worst
That doesn't keep me from missing a few things

How nice it would sound to hear her words
The calmness I would feel everytime she said it's going to be alright
To know the truth was being told
To see look in her eyes and see a beautiful soul
Have one last listen as she whispered
Goodnight and I love you son

The stress would fade if he was here
Hard to breakdown from the weight of the world
When he has me laughing at the world
My biggest fan who refused to let me say no I can't
My idol and best friend
A teacher who taught with actions
To be cliche
They will never be another like him
My brother left way to soon
I pray one day my son turns out to be just like him

If I could I would sit for hours without being in a rush
Born a man
You clocked more hours then ten men in three life spans
Took care of people and helped raise more kids then anyone will ever know
Life threw you some hard hits but never left your feet
You looked up to true grit John Wayne
I looked up to you John Wayne

I could go on cause theirs alot more I reminisese about
But theirs always something that tops them all
This time its
Us
I miss you and me
I miss your touch and your lips pressing against mine
Waking up next to you after falling asleep holding you tight
Your smile and the sound of your laugh
I want to go back to putting us first
I want them to refer to us as them
I miss you , I miss me
I miss us

I see the hand moving on that clock
I hear my name being mentioned
I can tell the sun is setting and darkness is rolling in
I smell the rain on the way
Hear the wind blowing leaves off the tree
I comprehend what everyone is saying

But I

I must be dead
Cause I can still feel your touch
Holding my hand
Whispering how you love me so much
As you kiss my forehead

The flashing lights
The loud sirens
Cops rolling out tape
From a distance I hear
Live on the scene where theirs one confirmed fatality

Unable to move from the brace around my head
I began to yell letting you know I'm alright
No need to cry
Just an accident and it's ok
I'm sorry about our date tonight
As they load me I believe you respond with

I'll be right behind you dear
For me not to worry
Everything will work itself out

Then I opened my eyes
Three paramedics was all I seen
Nothing would keep you from being by my side
So i must be dead
Theirs no reason why
I wouldnt feel your touch
But just in case I held back the tears
Though I already knew
I must be dead

Today makes one year
I sit in this empty house that we once shared
Doctors said I'm fully healed
Just have to live with this broken heart
I miss you

I'm just glad I got to say goodbye
You'll never know
Cause you were getting in a long limousine
That read
Just married on the back window
I was stopped at the light
When I noticed this beautiful bride coming down those stairs
She had tears in your eyes
Just like I had in mine
I asked God what did I do
You ever been happy and heartbroken at the same time
As you drove off that's when I knew

I been here all along
I was just dead to you
Never will I feel your touch
Feel your body against mine
I'll never wake up staring at you by my side
So truth be told
I might as well be
What's worth living for
If I'm dead to you

In a world where two people get down on their knees
Both in the business of selling themself
Both hoping to be blessed for the work they put in
One called a preacher
The other a *****
But only one is seen as a sinner
And one gets paid to say what anyone can read
I been around both so I'll speak for me
Ten percent seems high just to sit and listen for sixty minutes twice a week about a make believe world that nobody will ever be able to say it even exist for sure
I'd rather pay alittle more and get straight to point with the working girl
Sweaty men in cheap suits don't do much for me
Besides I need the relief of a release

Their worried  because she has kids
Talking **** as they drop their kids off to Father Ben
Never noticing the nuns
That's mental and physical abuse showing on their face
She's trying to get paid
While the church gives millions to cover up their peodphile ways
Moving them from place to place
Making the devil take the heat
Wait
Is that why the devil even exist
So you religious sinners have someone to blame

Black people being racist
Then crying about slavery
White folks mad because they will soon be the minority
Campaigning for a white lives matter movement
The Spanish stay yelling P.R or NY
Not sure why they even moved
Straight people angry cause they can't go both ways
Gay people hating for still being blamed for creating aids
Old don't like the new
And the new to dumb to have a clue
It's all petty **** and a waste of time
Like voting for an election of any kind
They control us by keeping the hate between us
Because I bet if religion didn't make a dime
Religion would be gone faster then the evidence they had aboit JFK being shot
Look back and see the past got us here
Now look ahead with a different plan
Respect yourself to remove the label they selected for you
Give these kids hope for a bright future
Or might as well give these kids the rope so they don't suffer in the future

I want to be more then someone's broken promise
I want you to get lost in thoughts of us as you look at me
I want to be the cause and not just a reason
I want to be the one your friends can't wait to meet
Feeling like they already know me because you can't stop talking about me
I want you to feel the need to race home and have us in bed before the sun sets
Keeping the blinds tight so we can't see the sun rise
I want the doctor to tell me that I gained twenty pounds in thirty days
Thats love not fat so it's ok
Then have you encourage me to lose at least half
I would be fine with people thinking our smiles are  fake
Unable to understand how we can be happy all the time
Confused by hearing who's right don't matter to us
One could never be wrong for the other
Matching shirts and can't leave without a kiss
Never saying goodbye or stay mad to long
I want you to never have to worry
To be clueless as to what it's like to doubt me
To know your more then number one
Your the whole list
Everyday be able to make you proud to be seen with me
Still falling in love with you at ninty
Hide the make up till you see the beauty your coving up
Maybe hide your clothes too
Cause your body is perfection and perfection should never be covered up
When anyone brings up a bad relationship I want you not to be able to relate
Every week go on atleast one date
Nomatter how good you say I am
I'll always try to be a little better
It will be my job to hurt for you
I'll be happy to take your pain
I want to be why you lie to your boss about being late
I'm working on being similar to the lead actor in your favorite movie that you can't watch enough
But first I need to create a new word because love is not strong enough
I want you to have what you deserve then some
And after I write the last line I never want you to have to ask me to repeat these things so you can be reassured
These words will come alive through my actions
And just in case you ever see me shed a tear or two
It's because I been looking for you ten years before I knew you

Now if I could only find you

Steal the innocence
Leaving a broken child
A growing confused mind
Feeling shame for loving you
Nobody to turn to
She knows her mom bows to you
Holds it in
No more then a few friends
Socialy awkward
Even at nineteen
Bares the scars
The broken heart
Prayed to be blind
Wanting to be deaf
Knowing what was next
She still cries for you to stop
Laying quiet in the dark
Wishing you would forget
But the devil appears
The smirk on your face
The smell of liquor on your breathe
Standing in fruit of looms smoking a Newport
She pleads please abandon me
Where was your God
Why didnt he look over her
She just wanted a chance
Not food you kept from her
Or water to quinch her thirst
She just wanted what she believes was deserved
Not a toy
Not your love
Not even for you to die
All she wanted was one thing
A chance
Just one **** chance

L
Love, life , live or laugh
Maybe look , later , long or just the first letter of what was meant to be a goodbye song
Deep inside me I know I'll never get the answer
But for nineteen years it's been a daily thought
Theirs been times I spent hours and more then once I spent days
I have yelled and cried about it
Asked myself was it going to be a K
I turned it to the left , back right then upside down
Yes I flipped over then flipped it again
It always looks the same
One line that's not to straight
The black ink has faded some and it holds some dried up tears
Someone told me I should throw it away
That I needed to stop hanging on
To quit trying to solve a problem that I will never be able to solve
We haven't talked since
I don't need to hear the oblivious
I don't need to hear nothing at all
I'll put it up for the night
To help fall asleep I go to bed thinking it wasn't even meant to be a letter
That it was my mother's way of saying
" It's me that's dying , you continue on"

Love is hurt wrapped in a beautiful disguise
Love is lies  
Stalks your soul  
Steals your breathe
Fills you with false hope
It keeps secrets you never know till it's to late
Seldom does it stay
Whether we mean it or not
We are taught it's what you say
If ******* came first then guess what

Love is wanted as much as it's needed
Some abuse it
While others try to control it
Ignorant ones believe its just for straight ones  
I seen women sell it because men buy it  
Close your eyes to long she'll be gone to find it
Then be dishonest about it    
Makes smart ones stupid
Turns good ones bad
Makes you smile then want to die in the blink of an eye  
Its cruel and unfair
Takes and steals
Makes some run back to exes
Turning currents into exes
Making room for a friend to become your replacement
Leaving love to be a sign
That sign reads exit  

May change everyday
It can fade with time
It laughs then cries or cries then laughs
It can go either way  
The most powerful drug    
We crave it  
Its strong but not undefeated
Fills the hole our heart may have
It's unexplainable
Its hard to hold on to
Love is magic
Love is attractive
Can be tragic
Can't be taught
You can see it without hearing it    
Love heals and motivates
Love
Its the greatest thing

This wasn't the planned ending
Know it's unexpected
Kinda surprised myself
Thought I had a few more years left
I'm not going to lie and say I'm sorry
I didn't quit on life
My finish line just wasn't as far
Endings and beginnings
No two are the same
It's not selfish on my part
It's my life to call
Don't be angry and I promise everything will be alright

I admire how you live
I respect everything about you
Stayed away from the trap
Always there with a hand when I fell in
I never planned on being controlled
By the time I seen it
The addiction was out of control
I didn't deserve you
You never deserved what I put you through
Wanted you to be proud to be by my side
I wanted to stop completely
Each relapse killed a part of me
I just hope I didn't completely shatter your heart
I pray that you love again
Don't fight moving on
Let me be part of your past
Your to strong to let this weaken you
Never doubt how much I love you
You were my everything

If I could ask one last thing
Cremate me and spread my ashes
Half in the ocean with Scott
Half with my mom and dad
No need for a service
Who needs people acting like they will miss me
It's been four years so life insurance is good
Suicide is covered after two
The papers are in the bottom drawer
Under the cards you have given me
Take the money and spend it without guilt
If possible I'll always be looking down on you

Goodbye my beautiful wife
Thank you for always being my best friend
I love you

It's not the sleep I hate
It's the lack of control over my mind
The darkness that makes loneliness shine
It's the movie that replays
I see her at the bottom of a hill
Under the sun looking beautiful
Unbelievable I'm screaming her name
Walk to a jog then a run
I become excited screaming her name as my walk turns into a run
Smiling as she she turns and I see her face
Twenty years of waiting for this
Five steps away but before I could say
I love you mom
She fades away
Wake up in darkness feeling the pain
Nightmares  kills dreams
Reality kills hope
Death kills life
Every night I lose you I lose a piece of myself


It's not the sleep I'm looking forward to
It's losing control of my mind
Using the darkness to hide this loneliness
It's the memories of the past and dreaming of tomorrow
It's me standing in a crowded room hearing my name being yelled
Seeing her smiling face as I turn around
It's holding someone so beautiful
Hearing I love you as we embrace
Her perfectly shaped soft lips againest mine
It's how real her touch feels
How completely right this is
It's that feeling that you want to last forever
But as quick as she appeared
She fades away
Leaving me to wake, alone and in pain
To the darkness of loneliness
Reality kills dreams
Life kills hope
Every night I lose you ,I lose a piece of me

Empty thoughts from a fragile heart
A step faster then a walk
On the last dirt road
Her way of wanting to get caught
Screaming for help while holding her breathe
How far is to far
Thought of death but that's forever
And forever seems to long
She just needs a short break then comeback strong

It's hard to find drive with no car
Wheels spinning without a mouse
Just a sparkle of sunlight would be nice
She just wanted the simple things
Be a good wife and a mother of two
Not lost and barefoot labeled and shamed
Made mistakes but this punishment seems to long
Alittle of something is not always better then nothing

Turn the blue to black then let the sky fall
At five foot two the order was to tall
Way out of her reach
Throat to dry for her to speak
Eyes to wet for her to see
Half of bag is all she has
Asking herself
Why can't I keep my knees clean
Why do I let these pills control me
Why has everyone turned on me
Whats the point in trying to keep moving on
Save a life and **** me
I'm well aware what the world thinks of me
Here's all your Christmas and birthday gifts that i missed
Giving up the space I been wasting away

Window seat with a front yard view
A row of sunflowers and two oak trees surrounded by  perfect green grass
Inside a white fence making the backdrop beautiful on a dark day
The pain it caused with each trip you made
The reality that sit in when I seen your things packed in that car
I wanted to yell for you to stay
Fought the need to pull you close and tell you we can make everything ok
Thought of asking if I go too
I wanted to cry
I wanted to do something
But I didn't
I did none of those things
Not even walk outside to say bye or put my hand up to wave
I just sat there and watched the darkness follow you away

Not to be rude but I think I should go now
No trust me
It's the best for the both of us
Cause the longer I stand here the more I want to rip open your chest and pull your heart out
Stomp on it again and again
Stopping right before it stops beating
Attach it back and pat you on the head
Now we're even
You can feel how I'm feeling
Use your words to say I'm sorry I didn't mean to
I hope we can still be friends
Now can you understand how stupid that sounds
It's like a vegetarian killing a cow just for the milk
So again excuse me
Not to be rude but I think I should go now

I sit here watching the world go by
Trying to figure out how and why
Grown man crying like a child
Without a clue and a dollar
Stole food to feed my daughter
I'm fighting hard not to pull the trigger
A worthless man with a loving soul
But his actions causes others to be blind
He ain't asking for much
But he been asking for so long
They don't even bother to answer
as they stroll on
***** with a smell  
No chance of anybody  inviting him in
Last nights temperature was forty two
Used his cardboard sigh to start a fire
Little girl needed heat
Then he rocked little girl to sleep

Fresh new day
Fresh new start
Fresh new outfit and shoes for the kids headed back to school
Then theirs her
Asking why as smoke from smoldering ashes fill the sky
He's left completely hating life
Feeling like **** he can't provide
Mad at his wife for dying to soon
Cussing his ex boss for laying him off
Worked twenty one years and never knew
How close he was from living in the streets  
Reality hits hard
Wraps his arm her as he kisses her forehead
Whispers baby it will get better
I promise you  
With a smile she answers
I know daddy
Because your superman

How great it would be for the ending to be happy
But in this case it ain't happening
Out one morning begging for food, work or something to help them by
When an argument with a ******* woman, who was tired of seeing these bums around, went bad fast
She called the cops
Screaming she's been attacked
No marks, no blood, no witnesses
Yet he sits at 33rd street
Time ticking by and it's turning dark
With no options he let's them know
DCF picked her up
State handed him another case
Judge ordered eight years as he slammed that hammer
Stood silent in tears seeing her image clear
I love you and please forgive me he says
Before making it four steps from where that judge sat
Thirty seconds and four bullets later his life ended

Three beeps as regular programming was interrupted
Everybody stops to hear
A Homeless man who forced his daughter to sleep in the woods and brutally attacked a woman  was shot and killed in a courtroom today
Everybody but that ten year girl
All she heard was
Your dad is dead
Tune in at 6 for more on this story

To Steve
Do you remember the morning you lost your dad?
When I seen you crying I started
I begin thinking one day I would be you and lose mine too
Never did I think it would be this soon
High school graduation,  first day of college,  and everything that follows I'll do without him
He took a piece of my happiness when he decided to leave
Atleast you knew yours loved you enough to stay
Questions with no answers is what I'm stuck with
And it really *****
I believed everything he ever said
He promised he would always be there
To not worrying about calling
I could just yell cause he would always be close
I know I rarely said it but I loved him
And for that I get this and that ain't fair
Why
Why did you lie
Why would you  leave without telling me why
You didn't even say goodnight
You couldn't have waited till I was awake
Maybe after you drove me to shool
All I have are broken promises
I don't love you
I hate you
I'm glad your gone
You wasn't even my real dad
Goodbye

Dear Kayla
What did I say about letting other people make you so mad ?
Never give them that power
It hurts me to know I have caused you pain
I never wanted that
And I am with you
I'll always be by your side
Every minute we spent together was a blessing
You taught me more then I would've ever knew
My hero, my beautiful girl, my brilliant daughter
The sunshine in my day
The reason for the smile on my face
You don't need me around to continue your path towards great things
I believe you will change something in this world in a postive way
I tried staying around to see it
I hope time takes away your anger and pain
Theirs three envolopes in your top draw
Please wait to open till the date wrote on each one of them
I'm going to miss alot and
I'm sorry for that
I didn't want you worrying about me so your mom and myself decided not to tell
I would've before I had to leave but things got worse
If you cry please cry tears of happiness
That's all I want you to remember
I hope this letter helps in someway
I'm going to go now but remember
I'll still love you more tomorrow then I do today
You made my life mean something
Be good for your mom and don't forget to always smile
It makes the world shine
Thank you for being you and loving me
Love,
Your dad

P.S
I couldn't make it in before you feel asleep to say goodnight. But I sat by your bedside for hours watching you  Kissed your forehead and letting you know I was sorry I wouldn't be able to take you to school. I love you , you amazing beautiful girl

New day started with the same ways
Same dreams and same needs
Same complaints and same beliefs
Same anger causing the same attitude
Same situation with the same work ethic
Same ol **** which feeds the same state of depression
Same as the past and same as tomorrow
Same words and the same actions
Same self pain and the same self medication


New day started the same way
Heart ache from heartbreak
From a woman I hope to meet
My father taught me about the dark side of love
My brother taught him tough love
My mother loved she wouldn't have to suffer
At fourteen Joann the neighbor showed me something better then love
Said her husband only had love for money
I loved that summer


New day started with the same ways
Same alarm clock with the same sound
Same routine eating the same food
Same route to the same office
Same parking space having the same meetings
Same lunch spot with the same people
Same words and the same fake laughs
Same asprin trying to **** the same headache
Same way home listening to the same Tony Robbins cd
Same house filled with the same silence


New day started with the same ways
Keeps a mind behind while it slowly fades
It's talked about
It's thought about
Then forgot about
Afraid of change
Another lost day
A week goes by then a year or two
Time is running out
Your yelling life was to short
While crying knowing you just wasted most of yours

A soul hurting
A heart wanting to give
Thoughts to be shared
Yet walking alone
On back dark streets
A few online friends
No real conversations
Could all be lies
Not that it matters
Enjoys any interaction
Mentally stable but still argues with hisself

While you laugh
He's dying inside
Afraid to reach out
For the world has teased so much
He Quit asking for help
When loved ones kept passing by without slowly up
How can he speak up
When his first words fell on deaf ears
His whole childhood
Thought his dad was playing hide and seek
Finally gave up
But his heart still waits
Dreams still exist to him
To mean alittle to anybody
Would be heaven to him

Heaven as in the sky
The sky where his mom is
Died during birth
She went home and he went from home to home
Abused in state care
Abused in foster care
At fifthteen he ran from away from that life
The pain, the heartache, the lies
Knew he had to change
Easiest decision he ever made
Two streets down from Orange Ave
He found a few trees and set up camp
Not a house we would say is glamorous
For him it's the best home he's ever lived in

When he was eighteen
Went to his mom to confess
Mom I'm gay
All I do is think of men
Dream of two or three at a time
From Sunup till forever
Staying on my  knees never getting up
I'm going amputate my feet
Donate them to an amputee
Not one to be wasteful
Hope this don't make you sick mom

Called his father who answered just to scream
Don't call me ***
Then the familiar sound of the phone hitting the ground
Starts laughing cause this happens every time he calls
Six hundred spent on replacements
His mother goes to interrupt he cuts her off
Mom there's more
I'm addicted to gay ****
To the point I seen everyone
Now I watch straight and my stomach turns seeing the girl
Would've told you sooner but I didn't want you to be like dad
Your all I got
But I been busting nuts for years staring at men's butts
One day, and this bad
But I almost ***** the mailman
But Saved by the Bell came on and Zack is my favorite
Hope I haven't let you down
I hope you still love me
I hope.... She cuts him off

With a long strong  embrace
Few tears falling down her face
Love whoever you want
Be with anyone you choose
I'll always want what I always wanted for you
Just to be happy
You have never disappointed me
Until now
Remember those nights when you was five
I sat and held you to calm you after your father left you
The anger you had at fourteen and took out on me
The lost time we had cause of the two jobs I had in order for us to make it
But most important
Don't you remember the most important thing I taught you
If you did you wouldn't be sitting here telling this story
It's a good one and if I wasn't so hurt I would make you prove it
I can't believe this is how you do me knowing I'll die fighting for you
This ain't your first lie but it's by far the worst lie
I'm seeing what I always been afraid of
You being like him
She came by today to let you know in person being you quit taking her calls
You were gone so she told me that you should know
She's not pregnant
But now what bothers me more is
What if she was

Lately my thoughts haven't made much sense
Seem lost and scattered among the deaf
Shown to the blind
Haven't been able to picture one yet
Like my first child
They died before making it to daylight  
You heard seeing is believing right
Keep my eyes closed to miss the view of my depressed state of mind
What's the point of talking to those who pretend
So I sit quiet and alone
God has already called on all my friends


Strike a match  
Flick a bic
Make some light cause this is all dark ****
Am I the only one to sit with my eyes closed
Thinking how easy it would be if I made my last breathe my last breathe
Leave the note you wrote years ago saying goodbye
Don't be selfish by getting mad
I was ready for my time to end
Breaking the cuffs
Snapping the chains
If it wasn't meant to be then good would've stopped me
Right?


Would shake hands and say goodbye
But my left is wiping sweat
While the right one puts in  work  
I tried everything from eight cokes and countless lines
And still can't find my smile
So why fight the feeling
I don't matter
You been blowing me off like I'm the dirt on  Mr. Knowles shoulder
Put me in a closed space with your sister
I'll hit her hard
Make you a auntie slash ex step mom
Now you have something to go sit and tell
Let me get the door for you
I'll act like I'm over you
Yell, scream and cuss
Then slam the door
As I hit the floor
Cause only then will I break
Cry out asking God why

First day of first grade
Learning my a ,b, c's
But still had velcro shoes
Knew my colors and numbers
So I was a know it all
Untill that bell rung
Found out something that changed everything
Tommy told Timmy and he whispered it to me
I never been so scared
It was the worst ever
Before mom could stop and aginest the teachers ordes
I was at her car door
MOM I GOT THE COOTIES
I GOT COOTIES
Being over dramatic she says
No not the big C son
It's the cooties mom
Pulled into the driveway and she leans to me
Cooties ain't real and girls are not a disease
It's ok to be friends with everybody
But just incase I'll give you a cootie shot
Circle circle dot dot....

First day of sixth grade
New clothes, new shoes
I felt grown and so cool
Laughing with friends at lunch when I hear
Can I sit here
I turned mute so I just noded my head
This girl was god sent
Tongue tied and in love
Feeling nervous and starting to sweat
She talked and I tried
She asked questions
All I could do was smile
Didn't notice my mom waiting holding up the line
Gave one word answers to her hundred questions
Pulled into the driveway
MOM I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL
She gasped
No not another case of the big c
Looking back it was funny but I was to nervous to laugh
Explained how I thought she was to pretty for me
Out of my league
Pulled in the he driveway And she leans over
Nobody will ever be to much of a good thing for you
Show the confidence that you hold in
Besides what's the worst that can happen
You make a cute friend
But just incase your still uncertain
Make sure tomorrow the seat next to you is empty again

Freshman year
Can't believe first day of high school
Beginning of my last four years
Spent the summer trying out for the baseball team
Basketball second period
Coach Sims told me good chance I would make the varisty team
My head grew bigger and my walk changed too
Seen April and I walked right up
Asked her to homecoming
My God she said yes
The greatest day ever
Seen mom in line
Couldn't wait so I ran
Begin explaining everything
Making the team, the dance, basketball
Not taking a breath till we got home
Pulls in the driveway and I'm halfway out when I noticed
She only responded with a smile
I turned back and see tears in her eyes
I lean over and wrap my arms around her
Mom don't start lying to me now
Tell me what's wrong
What she said next was the hardest words had ever hit me......
Son I have the big C

She said follow me
I'll show you to the family room
The family room
I been there before
A couple of chairs
A sink and the lights are kept dim
Plenty of tissue and I think soundproof

The family room
Where the doctor begins with I'm sorry, we did everything we could
As the chaplain stands behind him
Bible in hand waiting to ask if he can pray for you  Feeling your breath being took
****** and hurt
Yelling in shock out of fear
All the noises you would expect from the family room


The family room
Where some family comforts one another
For others it's the beginning of becoming strangers
Never come out the same as when you went in
Makes time seem as worthless as you feel
Steals a part of all who enter
Makes you cuss the heavens
And question life
Makes you pray to the Lord
And reevaluate your life
The family room
Where many promises are made then forgotten

The family room
Sits unused till the next family gets the news
The Famly Room

Hate comes from ignorance
Anger comes from pain
Heartbreak is the result of lies
Love begins with lust then held on to by hope
Loneliness is much more then being alone
While death starts at birth
Ones birth cause another ones death

Breakup can only happen after hooking up
Perfection means never having to say sorry
But we are so far from perfect
We hookup after breaking up but never make up
It's insane cause we expect it to be different without change
I'm here so you can push blame
Your here just till you find another way

I love the same whether rich or broke
Make love on the change before we roll it up
Turn ***** money clean again with a warning to the teller
Might want to wash your hands
I walk out just in time to see you skipping off with a new man
Catch up as he opens the door for you
Hand you half and you just laugh
He let's me know you'll be ok
Before that door on that rolls can close
I tossed it on  your lap
You may not need it now but you will when you want to come back
I take my forty two fifty and drunk it up
Getting woken up up the sound of a slamming door
A voice ask what are you in for
I guess you could say for falling in love , yourself ?
I stole a rolls royce

Officer can I make my phone call

No sleep leaves more time to reminisce of a past I'll regret till the day I decide that it's my last
Unable to pull away from a place my mind always seems to always find
Searching for anything I can put some faith in
Praying for a glimpse of light ahead of me
Wishing I could believe my own lies
And I wonder why I live with self hate
Hands in empty pockets as I find somewhere to hide
Heart is hurting just like my thoughts of the future
A hater of pain but I know I done to much wrong to go out in peace
I out stayed my lease and cheated on time
Praised alchol and treated drugs like God's
Unable to blame it on a childhood filled with unspeakable memories
Raised with love by the best and before you ask I already have
What the hell happened to me
How did I break myself of all self worth
Sold myself short then never showed up
Been wasting air since birth with every breath
I need more then rest
Brain dead so I can't reset my mind
If I could have just one request
God keep my mom and dad away from the window
No parents should have to witness this