If you're insane,
And you love it.

The bedroom door locks tight
I take off my smile
And put it in a box
Slip my courage down
And stand stripped and bare


Empty eyes looking back
Wine without taste, the
Lamplight too dim to feel
I have shut the door


No need to be for awhile
Till morning comes once more
And I put my smile back on

People make me nervous.
Don't ask why,
'cause I can't explain.
But they make my hair stand on end,
when they walk my way.
I start to steadly shake and quiver,
as their body brushes against mine...
I hope they just say hi and take their leave.

I'm choking down my self worth,
why are the ropes to far away;
Can't you throw farther?
I was set up, why can't you see?
Why must I plea;
Look! I'm down on my knees.
I've worked so hard,
And come too far...
Just to have this pure
Essence of light,
Tarnished.
You will NOT succed!
I wont have it!
The world doesn't DARE
Tear us from each other...

SO . WHY.  WOULD . YOU.

answer meme you spineless fiend!

I wonder
if I'll end up alone...
and that I'll be that lady
at the end of the street
with way to many cats.

People gawk,
point and stare
wondering if
its really there.
Kids laugh,
giggle and bite
to see if she'll
put up a fight.
when she does,
they're not scared
she'll be treated
so unfair.
Kicked and beaten
struck and hazed,
happened almost every day.

Never again,
will my lucky numbers be:
17, 23, 19, 21...
My stomach turns,
when I turn the volume to 27.
... So I lower it to 16.
3 letters that scare me,
5 weeks for a life to decay.
One deer smiling
the other solemn,
eyes glazed over.
I am within the stars.
Orion, but without his belt.
I count the stars,
one, two, three, four----
A bug buzzes in my ear...
And I come down falling,
like a shooting start.
But it's not a beautiful sight.
And the bug,
The bug had to of stung me----
Because it hurts.
My eyes are closed...
But I have to ***.
I must make my legs leave.
Fast.
GO.
NOW!
AS FAST AS YOU CAN...
... just run?
I'm here...
The bug bite stings,
I want to sleep.
To dream,
A dream better than this!
But flash backs from the stars
Plague my mind-----.
I didn't dream...
I didn't dream a dream
better than this...
The bite is gone,
but it left a mark.
A mark the size of
a 7 to 8 year sentence.
And I used to love riding my bike.
But now...
I can't stand the sound it makes.
The seat.
The handle bars.
How at any moment,
The peddle could make you crash...
SCRAPPED, CRASHED, BURNED.
I'm safe...
'Not safe yet', Police say.
I hear chatter over their radios.
Why can't I tune everything out?
... Why lie,
But the truth was never any better.

And my eyes,
Why are they so dull and grey?
I could have sworn,
they were bright blue,
Like the sky...
But there's no color left.
3 letters that scared me...
3 letters that took away,
the color in my eyes...

I am stuck.
Not by choice
but rather simply by consequence.


I am
too young and too old
too shy and too bold
too anxious and too calm
too busy and too bored


I'm not sure how I got here.
I'm not sure if I am here
or if I'm in-between one place
and the other
stuck in limbo.


The space between
this one metaphysical place
and the other
laughs at me.


It knows
I can’t be
bothered
to move,
because I don’t
know how.


So I am stuck
between one and the
other
but still
nowhere near
the happy medium.

I can't escape myself,
I SCREAM!
Bleeding black and red
As I lay dead,
Cause I've been shot in the head;
But yet nothing is said.
They mend up my cuts,
With thread on my wrist.
I'm gone and won't be missed.
I'm running through the forest,
And the mist I just felt suicides kiss.

Take a look at me
&
Tell me what you see
Do you see my forceful smile
The smile that hides so many secrets
or
Do you see the tears in my eyes
The eyes that once took into much evil

Do you see my heart
The heart that holds hurt & shame inside
or
Do you see my skin
The skin that holds scars of pain

Do you hide my secrets
Do you see the evil
Do you feel my hurt, my shame
or
Do you see my scars

So take a look
&
Tell me what you see

I talk to myself,
my father isn't fond of it.

Will I really end up alone...
like he tells me, when I talk to myself.

... I answer no

But, when no one is around...
does it matter who I talk to?

Because...

I'd rather talk aloud, to myself, so I know...
That my thoughts are my own.

Don't you fill my head with hope.
I've come to far, cried for to long.
'Cause it's inevetable...
You'll never keep your word,
Because to me it means NOTHING.

I had given up on love
Or just forgot the meaning
Because for some odd reason
You give me hope.

When I laid my head in your lap
You tickling me with a strand of grass
My eyes closed the warm sun light on my face.

It was at that very moment, that I was at peace
It felt as if you found a way into the gypsy field
Like it was just you and me, even though
Our friends were around.

I felt something,
When you let me kiss your cheek...
But I wonder,
Did you feel it too?

I'm cold in class
so I ask
to borrow a jacket
of Taylor's it is
& it warms me
even if it's too big
& I can smell her on me
it's quite strange
yet her sent can calm
my inner rage.

The chords of my escape.
The feeling of a beat.
The vibration of my soul.
It sends me to my peak.

I just love how it makes me feel,
But there’s no way the feeling is real.
I can close my eyes and look up to the ceiling.
It’s the most pleasurable feeling.

The way it makes me move.
Just gracefully on my feet.
In the chords of my escape.
There are no expectations to meet.

I’m free to be myself.
I can dance, I can sing.
I can twirl around on the floor.
That’s how it’s supposed to be.

But of course, all happiness has to come to an end.
I look at the ground
I sigh and frown.
It's time to let go of my only true friend.

I lift my hand to my ear
And pull out the plastic.
I suddenly feel blank again.
But soon again, I will feel ecstatic
With the chords of my escape.

You hear scratching at the door,
open it to meet curiosity's eye.
Now you're not alone,
but you never really were.

There skin is soft as it is plush,

the shade of pink

when I make them blush.

They giggle and smile

when I touch there hand.


Oh how I love,

the way the fall for me...

with such grace.

A stabbing pain
in my head
not knowing...
I'm already dead
my mind has fled
to the great unknown
As I lay awake
alone...
In the gypsy field.

Time is constant
time is rare
time is flowing
through the air
day by day
night by night
time is late
time is shy
now they turn
out the lights
to say good night
but our light is shy
so we'll be quiet
and that is fair
to the knight
and shining hare.

A feeling I never knew
That I drew in from you
Would be that I am feeling followed

Your darkness reaches deep
And I cannot lie and sleep
Without fear from the earth of being swallowed

And at first believed to feel
In your heart love was real
A wound you cut to deep has made me feel hollowed

I never knew I would get thru
The long cold dark nights from you
They would be the deepest part of this nightmare that followed

Like the look in your eyes
When caught by your surprise
Looking at a bottle of poison you just swallowed


I will never forget the look
From my eyes you took
From far behind the dark pit of your soul all cut out and hollowed

I once learned
That the opposite
Of love isn't hate
But indifference.
I always thought that
They got it wrong...
Until I looked into
Your eyes one day
And saw nothing

The eraser erased my bad habits
While the pencil drew in new ones
The glue stick glued on a whole new face
As the scissors cut away my background and past
The ball point pen then made the changes permanent
While the colored pencils shaded in my body
The calculator changed my way of thinking
As the sharpener grazed over my rough edges
Finally, the ruler
I had to measure up to your standards
Now me and you
We walk, talk and think the same
Two moving as one
I don't even know who I've become
What I was before
You've changed me more than you'll ever know

I’ve dug into the root of every known emotion of man.
From mere happiness to dread and fear, it’s scary… Really!?
How we can feel, really feel, and how it can change us-
From innocent to tainted, good to evil.
And that you can also feel; feel for not only inanimate, living, or anything.
But you can feel for other people.
You can feel so strongly, that it shakes your soul.
And you can also…
Not feel-
Numbness, or is it a feeling?
It can over take your very being
And **** the life out of your eyes-
To where you don’t eat,
Don’t get out of bed,
And never open your eyes.
You just lay there, in a void that you yourself created…
But eventually you’ll pull yourself out…
Feeling, Feeling, Feeling.
Feelings are not the only thing… that I’ve dug into.
I’ve found more than anyone ever could.
Because, I look a little harder…
Free Will;
Is that what makes us different from the animals, evolution?
Free will.
The choice, the choice that is ours to make… or not make.
Some people find beauty in it.
But, some people find hell and torture in free will… The ones who can’t think for themselves.
In some ways-
I find them weak.
But also cunning, in a ‘Monkey see, Monkey do’ kind of way…
In spite of everything we know about Free will.
We still do not quite understand-
How Free-will makes us any
More or less… Human.

I guess I will do something like homework.
Purposeful, delivered with instructions – to be completed.

But I cannot forget those shadows on the building nearby.
The way the sky does not know whether or not to be blue
or cloudy.
So it rests on the roofs in order to
contemplate its decision.
I remind him to breathe – as well as I.

There, that helps.

Now we can follow the linear direction of the telephone wires.
Train tracks in the expanse. They allow for geometrical
and purposeful
sense to be made of it all.

****. They led me right to the clock!
How could they?
The time I did not need.
Why did my eye follow that line so faithfully?

Now those minutes that I lost and forgot all line up outside my door.
Waiting to be counted and named. But I cannot go to the door and let them in.
There just isn't enough room in this small apartment!

So I sit in my chair, perfectly consumed by book.
Yet I do hear them shuffling and muttering and shifting outside
making room in the hall as newcomers arrive.

Every once in a while, a particularly insistent one will ring that buzzer.
A delusion that his interval remains
very pressing and must not be missed.

Soon enough
I think
I will post a check-in list up on the door
maybe they can schedule appointments.
Then they will see just how busy I am.
Unfortunately I cannot now
I can only wait for the evening when they give up for the day and clear out.

Because, if I opened that door even a crack to slide the paper through, one or two would manage to slip by. I might even be risking the lot of them piling up on the door until I just couldn't hold it up any more and they would all clamber and fall in, one on top of the other (none are very considerate or patient) and I just wouldn't be able to stop them! Can you imagine the mess they'd make in here?

I did just sweep the floors.

One day…
The bird looked up into the sky, from the comfort of her nest.
As she looked to the sky,
She noticed the woman in the moon.
the woman smiled at her.
So every night she would look up at the woman,
Talking till the sun came up.
On one special night,
when the moon was closest to the bird and full,
the bird confessed her love to the woman in the moon.
The moon wept…
So the bird began to fly, closer and closer to the moon,
but as she did  the air became thin.
As the woman in the moon turned her back to the bird,
the bird began to fall.
Landing in a pit.
The entrance collapsed,
Trapping the bird.
… Her love was gone,
                                               She would never see the moon again.

~Moral or Lesson: Do not fall in love, because eventually you will be hurt.

I saw her during recess

And then again at lunch

I kinda liked to tease her

I'd always dodge her punch

I said I didn't like her

But it really wasn't true

I liked to be around her

Without her I was confused

Then at lunch we'd sit together

With our lunches made

From our broken families

**** I miss first grade

I layed without her
She whispered to me hopes and dreams
Like Paris where she wanted to be
She said it had to be
And with only me

"Do you see my words,
I wrote them in hopes to make
Your day"

"Did you dream of me?
In your sleep, you hear
My quiet voice"

But I never saw those words
Dream of her
I tossed and turned
Bit my tongue
Wrote my stories
Yet I did not sleep

My days are hectic
But I make room
Dream
Paris
See her words

Pink converse,
white tights,
And she's just hanging there.

I don't dare disturb her,
because somehow I knew
She wasn't real.

(My Mind Questions It)

So I peek...
Peek under the stall door,
to see nothing in it's place.

A tile floor.
Something thick,
it's covering every inch.
But, it is naked to my eyes.

The air is heavy.
Breathing in dense fog
and nothing comes out.

Who was she,
and why would my Hallucination be her death?
In suicide.

My pen to paper
I'll write something new
which is what
I seem to always do
but the poems vary
depending on mood
if I'm happy or sad
it's also true
but when I try to write about love
it always comes out wrong
even if I tried for so very long.

Typical Teenagers
Happy, sad, sleepy, mean,
Feelings often change,
a common act of a typical teen,
I find it rather strange.
Talking to a friend,
or sending them a text,
they talk for hours on end, what'll they think of next.
They'll leave their room a mess
and give cleaning it a miss,
but yes I must confess to also doing this.
They think their folks are ancient, and utterly unfair,
the result is to ignore them,
before they start to swear.
Their music cracks the ceiling, and makes their parents fume, emotions always reeling,
and more time in their room.
Being a teen may seem pretty bad,
but from experience I can tell,
it's much worse for the mum and dad,
for them its living hell!

I didn't want it,
not in any sense of the word.
Mom & Dad, I still have nightmares!
And when you bring it up... I lose myself.
I want to collapse into myself, to disappear.

Dad,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I don't hug you or kiss you goodnight anymore.
it's just, every time I do... I feel HIM.
I know it's you...
But I can't help but fall back; When I close my eyes & see that face...
HE stared down at me, HE didn't even look human.
And I'm different Because of THAT.

Mom,
IT'S made me paranoid!
I jump when someone grabs my arm...
And I don't know what to do?
I know, I made it seem one way... in hopes it would all go away.

But,
Mom & Dad...
                             I'm TERRIFIED!

I can’t tell you why,

Is it when I cry?

To follow in the hate,

When they discriminate,

To the shadows I wonder,

To the crash of thunder,

I hide in fear of what they think,

It’s wrong,

The love,

The hate,

The endless debates,

Over the smallest things,

I can’t quite compare,

To the upper class,

They laugh,

I hide,

They smile,

I cry,

They punch,

They sneer,

To all that is worthless,

And I’m here to take it all,

The hits,

The bruises the leave,

The scrapes they create,

Never can compare,

To the fear the leave,

Unaware inside of me.

A butterfly can't be killed by a flower.

Sorry followers I'm grounded but I have been writing so much poetry!
So please don't unsubscribe I have poems waiting to be read by you

I'm not dead,
mostly...
I was in the hospital for a while.
I'm back now! :)

Born with a veil
but scared as hell
of what she
not only hears
but see's
no longer knowing
what it means.

Flashbacks run through my mind
My hands find their way to my hair
They grab, pull, scratch
"STOP IT!" I try to scream
The flashbacks keep coming
The razor
The blood
The madness...
"You deserve it"
I know
"I have to remind you, that you are a mess"
I know, I'm sorry
"Smile, do not let them see you broken"
I smile, I know you are right Ana
You control my life
Not only you control what I eat, but what I do, what I feel
"You are worthless"
I feel worthless
"Purge those calories you eat, you do not need more food in that fat body"
I purge, loving and hating the sensation
I try to sleep, but the flashbacks would not let me
Leave me alone!
Please...
"No, you deserve all of this"
I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
"Never you need me, you want me, you love me"
I do, I know
I go to bed and prepare myself for my same routine for tomorrow

Moving through my head,
like I'm neck deep in mud.
eyes foggy & ears ringing,
losing feeling in my fingers...
'cause I'm gripping my head,
breathing air that's hot
--like fire
Did I close my eyes,
I never can tell.
trembling, I whisper important things.
~keep a hold of your head, PROTECT it~
I lower my head, my life, between my knees;
ragged puffs of air STING when they hit my legs
the floor drops, the mud gets thicker
'til I am encased in it,
in my head,
I'm stuck floating in this fuzzy sensation.

Somethings changed
& the space around me
is whisked away,  I fall
but only an inch or two.
dirt in my hair,
my body is now bare...
but I don't feel the need to cover myself.
My feet frozen,
but I stand, start to walk, then a little faster,
I run & all I hear is the sound of my feet
hitting the linoleum floor------
I know I'm in a narrow hall
even though I can't see.
Smell of disinfectant and stainless steel----
monitors beep and some flat line,
that's when I feel a breeze, more footsteps,
like mine but heavier, faster... w/more urgency.
I stop running, just before a door.
I see it only at the very edge of my vision,
it opens the moment I look away,
this room smells different
I take a step inside maybe two...
before I had the chance to close the door,
someone closes it for me...
I beat at the door 'til my hands bloodied------
I knew... but still I came... & the door never opened.

I'm in that 'mood' again...
so hold on, because there is a flood coming... tomorrow!

What a day this has turned out to be
My life has another catastrophe
My beautiful Mac has taken a dive
Something wrong with the hard drive.

Must get it fixed as soon as I can
Who do I call when in a jam
My son of course, off to Best Buy
Can it be fixed, they will try.

Today, I asked, with hope in my eyes
You have to be kidding, they replied
Don't call us, we'll call you
Accepted it, what else to do.

I am typing away on a small notebook
Its not too bad, take a long look.
My poems will be in a short supply__Wait for Mac, he's my guy.

When I want to talk
about the little things
About the almost nothing's
About the time of day...
Or if it will come my way

What do you do when your mother is crazy,
Hysterical, selfish, abusive, and cruel?
What do you do when really you hate her,
And it's all you can do to be distantly cool?
What do you do when you find her repulsive,
And the best of your memories are tinted with pain?
And now she is old, and needs to be near you,
And you cannot stand to be near her again?

How do you tell her the truth when the truth
Keeps accruing like some insurmountable debt?
When the horror that haunts you goes back to a moment
You cannot remember and cannot forget?

What do you do with your love when your love
Has been buried so long that you can't find its grave?
When love for a parent lies outside a window
Through which you imagine how people behave?

What do you do when whatever you do
Must cost more than the option you failed to choose?
For whether you turn to embrace or forsake her,
You're left with a burden you cannot refuse.