why do you let yourself swallow you whole?
why do you make living so hard?
who has control?
idk but I'm grey and I'm white
my colour is melting like ice
thin as the body thats shedding everything nice
don't think twice its not alright, worse at night
when you're directing every aspect of an overcast life
dream of nothing, dream of better sleep,
sleep beside a knife till you annihilate that creep
when memory hurts, when the cut is too deep
know that although you've lost a lot,
your mind is yours to keep

Woke up from my dreaming to a nightmare, she was screaming
Got back to the car the radio sang about my demons
I hate heathens, singing along for no reason
As she slams the door behind me
Revenge is open season

5 days in I look like you
Broken glass back pain
*** stains on my shoes
Redoing old never feels new
Only see myself in a car mirror view

I want her in my windshield
I want her name on my screen
Any source of affection puts worth into screams
A honk has no emotion
My notions are bleeding
Feeding on desire, I hit the gas
Before my house catches fire

Her words were knives, dipped in lies
I realize theres no easy way
I "Take a break from all my sinning"
But God made me gay

Screams turned to silence
Caution escaped violence
My bed never felt so wrong
When I left my demons in song
I long for my steering wheel
I feel I have to stop admitting
Can't help that I'm forgiving
I named my car twister
I call this twisted living

I wish you could flash high beams from tail lights so that u can tell the ******* behind you to turn off their high beams
I wish my headphones were invisible
I wish my acne was invisible
I wish I was invisible
Aren’t I?
The salt hurts your eyes when you try to tell the elephant to get off of your chest
He walked in with a maroon vest and pretended to help as she reached for the top shelf in hopes of an antibiotic buzz
Fuzz surrounds my memories to hide the ugly parts
You pushed me around in a shopping cart and I forgot that I had legs
I spent my high school years inside of song lyrics tapping kegs
Taylor wrote about a forgotten egg
You have to be known to be forgotten
Mr knott says cotton will **** you
I just wish the blues were still blue
I’ll stop rhyming now
It’s not how I plan, what its made to become
My mind finds the next line hidden in the last one
I don’t make sense and i’m not having fun
I wish pencils were still made of led
“God ****** laura dever” you said
“It should have been you”
I wish i️t was me too
I’m done living in suburban blues
I’m done living without you
19 days to be exact, a 17 day panic attack
It’s always easy to know where i’m at
A final goodbye, the sky turned red to warn us of what was already done
Trees attacked the public and it seems im the only one
That wasn’t afraid to die
A red warning waited in the sky
It took place of the rainbow and watched me tell my last lie
“Please forget about me, goodbye”
Mother nature cried, she was finally on my side
My broken windsheild wipers weren’t doing well
Through the rain it was still easy to tell
Something’s been missing from me for awhile
Call 927-6289 if you happen to find my smile

As I’m leaving I run into you on the kitchen floor
Sharing with the appliances your miserable company
Giving me your melancholy stare
I can help you not be alone but I can’t help with lonely
You called me boney as I put my back against the cabinet and sunk into my seat on the hardwood floor
Now we both feel lonely don’t we
We aren’t a pair, a puzzle, or each other's other halves
We’re not even complicated togetherness
We’re two people and we’re alone
No amount of bodies on the kitchen floor will fix that
I had to go but still I sat, in the ditch next to you hurting my neck looking up to speak
I missed my ride home I was looking for a girl that I knew, she had the same name as you, have you seen her?
Sam says she was last seen in the basement dancing, equipped with a convincing smile
The ******* the kitchen floor looks like she's been here for awhile
But I’m too boney to lift her up and make her dance side by side with a memory
I guess we’ll never know who she is
Where did the dancer go? She’s dancing with dust bunnies under the fridge
She drunkenly holds onto the steering wheel
This version seems a bit more real
I don’t feel as well as I used to due to two names just listed on the loudspeaker
Thank the lord that I don’t
Or I’d be dancing with the dust bunnies, reliving a memory, feeling lonely on the kitchen floor
I’ve certainly been there before
Nobody ever sat with me, I erased it from memory
This is the difference between alone and lonely

The leaves tell stories in the form of footprints
Some separated from themselves
The wind comes at breakneck speed and takes you even farther from what you once were
The wheels of cars don’t break you, they just make you smaller
And when the humans get fed up the large metal hand comes and snatches you away
You were once a playground for the adventurous
The most important things can still be temporary
You forget that this tree’s memory was dead before you even met
Society makes sure dead things aren’t looked at for too long

Well, then why are you looking at me?
Your crunches are haunting my memory
I walked inside my house with your stems in my shirt and shoes covered in dirt
To find another thing I knew as dead
Too many chemicals to the head
But that lady wasn’t stepped on
She wasn’t driven over or thrown
She was lifted up by the girl covered in leaves
Because she had just spent time with the dead
She said it's not bad company but it leaves a bad memory
She didn’t want another one of those

Oh ms believer told its story in the hospital waiting room
The leaves told their stories from inside of my shoes
The  doctor didn’t say **** to the 9 year old looking as innocent as she ever will in her blue puffer coat and no-lace converse, she's thinking about the dead leaves
This 9 year old knew what death was
But only looked at it with peripheral vision behind interlocked fingers
Or looked with a smile as she jumped right inside of it
Its been 8 years,
She now looks death in the mirror

I'm so down to earth I’m 6 feet under
Here the sounds of silent thunder sing me to sleep
The torn clothes, never worn, keep me warm
Like a baby in a laundry basket full of rags
Tags ripped off
What a waste of money how much did it cost
It took too long to realize I was lost and I am now one with the dirt
Stains on my shirt
I dream of my legs going somewhere important
My lungs are a meter stick and my breath is a child too small to ride
It just doesn’t reach
Teach the kid to stretch I’ll smile from my state of rest
Keep drinking your milk kid
Maybe you won’t be the man too short to live
Powerful enough to break a strawberries heart
A rollercoaster is a good start it teaches you how things will be
Unless your me, just lay still on the ground
Hear the ringing sounds but don’t analyze what it means
Because behind the scenes of these stained glass windows
Is the 2018 year-round gun show
The bullet missed my smile by a mile but it must have hit a parallel universe because once again I am one with the dirt
The elements sing me to sleep
Quick wit lies, open eyes keep me alive
And when the shovel comes I won’t be ready to leave
I've faked my death for a quarter lifetime of peace
I decompose piece by piece
I'm so unbreakably sane that death hit every ***** but forgot about my brain
Meaning I'm no longer in pain but I can think about what it feels like
From now on I’ll stay high as a kite
But the oxygen diminishing dirt wont let my geeb light
As sober as a drunk man that lost his liver then found god
From now on I’ll be high on death
Until the lower mantle steals my last breath

At 2am he asks me how I am
I avoid the question by saying im in bed eating a bag of shredded cheese
I figured it would answer its self
I look into my brain, mental instability on the top shelf
He looks inside his to find what to say back to her-
“Is i️t cheddar?”
It’s mild- i️m wild ive got the heart of a child when they see a dog at the shelter
It’s my responsibility to fall in love with her
And him and you and everybody i see
Im a ******* pisces
Im going to wake up with cheese all over my ******* bed
My horoscope said “if you don’t swim for something, you’ll drown for anything”
Stop holding my head underwater
Go find pearl jam and have them call me daughter
And I’ll wear the shoe laces of a queen
Im a sane mother’s ******* despite the neon static in my head and the spiratic crumbs in my bed
“No eating in bed” they said
Then hit me with a shovel, plug the hdmi chord into my ear and watch my chemical dreams on the big screen in the neighbors backyard
Shove a joint in my eye as a thank you card and turn the volume up
Throw me in the back of a pick up truck
Then tape my hand to a gas guzzling motorcycle maybe it will help me sleep
Keep the helmet on the seat
No drinking for lent and on sundays don’t cheat
Beat me with a golf club sell me on stubhub
I might have a talent or two
But soon I’ll fall off of my thrown, theres something missing from my shoes
I find the white lines tied to a pipe
Seperating a head from a body
A shoelace in this case was worn by an undeserving daughter
Slaughtered by a helpful string
“Turn off that thing” the neighbors screamed
“Stop her mind”
**** was just getting good,  mind you
Rip down the screen, pull out my ear too
Put the shoelaces back on my shoe
Theres nothing to see here but a disturbed dream
With shredded cheese at the crime scene

Wait! Is that plagiarism? I need a new title.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by
Snapchats, left swipes, number of likes and screen-lit nights
Destroyed by 4 second nudes and the two buttons that make 4 seconds infinite
By searching amazon prime for a suicide prevention kit
By taking one sip too many and ending the night with plenty of tounges down your throat
By Geebs with too much milk, opinions stronger than silk
Both good yet impressionable and easy to lose control
By LED light seeping into the numb soul of the follower searching for love on Google
Destroyed by the vibration of a body-count notification
Destroyed by that first battery-powered rip, desperate for a trip thats not to the therapist
Desperate to feel addiction, the need for need combined with heriditary greed
Addiction lowers suicidal thoughts, craving the next day to take your next shot
Shots of *****, shots of hate, shots at children, all shots are great
We feel alive when we hear about death, we finally appreciate oxygen breath

Destroyed by the friendships lost over hillary vs donald
Waiting for the day we get old, so that we have a say & we’ll look back and realize these are suppossed to be the good old days
The days spent sitting in metal chairs next to the boy with ***-smelling hair
Destroyed by the fear of never being enough because college prep means you are on track
And on track means you’re two steps back
The princible said “cover up” to the girl with the huge rack
Every eye that is layed on you is a personal attack

Behind the scenes of these ******* memes is self deprication and pain that we somehow all relate to
Waiting for the iphone x to come out so that we can feel brand new
Destroyed by depression becoming the media’s new obsession
Destroyed by the inability to jump into a TV screen and live a different life
Destroyed by your ****** up families strife
The ‘correct’ kids words cut like a knife
Destroyed by the fact that there is not enough beer in the world to drown all your fear
About the fact that your stuck in high school for at least another year

I see my lonely satellite
I'm not in paradise
Am I lovely too?

You like my arms
You like my stomach
But only when it has the muscle lines vertical and horizontal
It doesn’t look like that now
I have no one to impress
I never look my best
Is that enough for you?
Am I lovely too?

My thighs spread out when I sit
But I wear leggings under my jeans to make them fit
That makes me pretty, doesn’t it?

My knees have this ugly indent
My shoulders stab when I hug
My stegosaurus spinal cord could cut glass
I’ve used it to cut my mirror in half
Your mirror is perfectly shaped
It's perfect because it shows you
Am I lovely?
Do you love me too?

I’m never the topic of one's thoughts
A careless lady in competition with thots
These red bubbles of insecurity try to escape from my face
And everytime they try they just  get bigger
But so am I
The doctor says it's a good thing
I may be thin but I still cling
To the idea of being like Maria-
That woman is in paradise and it must be nice
To have someone singing about how you’re lovely--

Please, tell me you love me
The once tolerable parts of me are lost
And that is the cost of loving beautiful things
You don’t love yourself
But I love you
Am I lovely too?
I’m falling into space
She tells me its my safe place
I see my lonely satellite
Im in paradise when I think of you
Do you love me?
Am I lovely too?

“I won’t have ***** living in my house”
As if that’s all you’ve said to offend me
Unlucky for you I have a great memory
I have a mental transcript of everything you’ve said to me
17 years of tyranny
Where do I begin?
All the way back to kindergarten
The special ed teacher said she thinks I have dyslexia
You said it’s an excuse for being stupid
That was the first crime of many
You’ve called me worthless, ugly, and unwanted plenty
But actions speak louder than words
You’ve thrown your empty bottles of gloom across the living room
Crime after crime I’ve cleaned it up everytime
3 kids and I’m the only one, whose been “lucky” enough seen your gun
In april of twenty fourteen you burnt my brothers funeral card
Your fist has never hit me quite that hard

My body is a canvas you painted black and blue
Step back at look at your masterpiece, in her rubber-banded shoes
Every day I become more and more like you
If I ever have a daughter dear lord is she *******

Who gives a **** if I’m relatively gay
17 years you’ve lived with me everyday
Also, why ***** plural?
Am I gonna start an army or some ****?
Am I contagious?
I am plenty religious
I could count your sins
You say it hurts your shins to kneel at church so you keep sitting
And ******* on the person that I am
Making him perform this scam
At family parties pretending to be mine
Because my love is a crime
Are you out of your mind?

Its fine, I’m not going to cut my hair
This cross belongs around my neck
You need a reality check
Its 2018!
I am allowed to be seen without a man holding my hand
And protecting me from offensive words
This is defence served 110 pounds
I fell asleep to the sound of a car backfire
‘Call the therapist, this is dire’
Jesus, Mary, do everything you can
There’s a chance she wont be marrying a man
When life doesn’t go as planned just do more drugs
Hit and yell I’ll put in earplugs
But I’m going to push and I’m going to shove
Until you let me fall in love

“He wasn’t even your brother”
“Why the **** would you want a tattoo?”
“You know that ****’s permanent right?”
I don’t want a tattoo
I want way more than a tattoo
I want people to see it and ask who he was
And I want to say he was the little brother I never had
Until he became the little brother I had for only 7 years
I want my eyes to fill up with tears
I want the world to know that pain is temporary when you shove a needle inside of you
But its not temporary when you lose someone who was a part of you
That **** lasts forever
It will last forever in my brain
It will last forever in my heart
Is it so bad that I want it to last forever on my skin
That pain in my heart that pain in my brain that's the forever I’m scared of
That's the forever I don’t want to have
I crave the forever of this aching ink stain
It's a stain that has been in my brain for four years now
If you asked me I couldn’t even tell you HOW I’ve lived these one thousand four hundred sixty one days
Without him the world quickly turned grey
The thorns overpowered the beauty of the flowers
The shade got in the way
The rain burnt out the fire of the sun
Where Weezer used to play
The moments became pictures
The pictures became memories
The memories became moments I took for granted
And it took four years but the picture frames eventually fell slanted
These pictures were handed and planted on this wall just to become slanted
These pictures of the miracle that ran out of miracles at only 10 years old
I was 13 watching his body go cold
You think I’m too young to put some ink on my skin
You think I’m too young to be smelling like gin
But am I too young to be dying?
I close my eyes every winter just to see miracle boy lying while my best friend is crying over his miracle powered body
I see others tears drip down his miracle bald head
I see that rubber tube giving him air
But he’s already dead
You ******* fools you thought air could bring him back to life
He breathes miracles *******!
He lived on prayers
He never ****** in your airborn *******!
I can’t stop staring at that little chair where he used to sit
It’s been 4 years no one can move it
It weighs 2 pounds but the memories are a ton
We just look at it cause he was the only one
That could make something special by loving it
He was the only one worthy of the **** that he loved
He was ******* miracle boy how hard is that to understand
I want everyone to know his life like the back of their hand
I want a tattoo at 17 somehow I’m sick in the head
But 3 years is old enough to be sick and 10 is old enough to be dead
I write this **** down and realize this is what I should have said
Not “oh yea you’re totally right I’m an idiot sorry”
SORRY that this time I’m not throwing my opinions AWAY to be agreeable because november 29th marks the DAY my brother died in front of my eyes
Try to tell me he’s not my brother you’re full of ******* lies
Id tattoo MF in the center of my face
He was my brother and he can’t be replaced
By this little trace of permanent ink
But maybe if it’s there I’ll finally be able to THINK about something happier than watching miracles fall 6 feet under
During these winter months of depressing rain and scarring thunder
Ill know I’ve got bad memories on my mind but good ones on my skin
And I can sleep with a little pain on the wound but no more pain within
With this little symbol of love
Ill be spreading his story till the day I die
Like hell I want the people I love to be on earth
But miracle boy belongs in the sky.

November 19th 2009
Marks the day I saw your spine
Hit the floor for the very first time
I only need people when I think I do
I was a fool to think I needed you
It’s the opposite of The Decemberists
You needed me to make you better
I blame myself for trying-
And every time I walk in on you crying
I think it’s something I did wrong
The smell of your breath is still strong
In the dreams I fail to dream as I watch what I once thought was steam sneak through your bedroom door
I can still smell those chemical dreams as I do the leaves on that cold november day
I found you lying in the den
You were going to die I just didn’t know when
I can see the red and blue flashing
It’s making my innocence fade like flash photography in a museum
Why can’t my life be preserved  with a sign that says please don’t do this
Too many signs for too many crimes
I’d need one for each mistake you made
I’d add another check to the chalkboard and remember my neck double wrapped around the umbilical chord
I wonder if you loved me then but I remember that you didn’t
Cause every time I try to read a book I look at the letters and they turn into something they are not
Just like us when you’re drunk and I’m smoking ***
I remember you never loved me at my monthly sonogram
Holes in my kidneys not quite as big as the holes in your heart
I was ****** over from the start
4 pounds and 11 ounces I could never stand up to you
Pretending you did what you had to do
Take another sip I dare you
Maybe it’ll make you feel brand new
And the next morning we’ll pretend it never happened because that’s what we always do
I’ll ignore the broken glass that sat on my chest as I tried to sleep and stabbed my mind as I tried to dream
About what we would be if I hadn’t found you that day in 2009
Would I still be doused in ignorance
Would I still crave your attention
Would I still be able to dream
Would I be haunted by my own retention
Would I drink a little less
Would I drink a little more
Would I still play in the leaves or believe you could be cured
You need me to make you better and it has made me worse-
I don’t throw out the **** I find in your purse-
I shove it down and swallow but innocence tends to follow

If I were 4 pounds again I’d have a stronger mind
I wouldn’t put any effort into being kind
I was so small you should’ve thrown me in the trash
I wouldn’t have to grow up in your mistakes tray of ash
I close my eyes and I’m 9 years old seeing red and blue,
8 years later and disaster still reminds me of you