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Jayesh Oct 2018
I have felt strange as of late
In a way I have little inkling of
Perhaps a state I shouldn’t remain in
However, I seem to be unable to help myself

I don’t mean it in any dramatic way
As is seen in so many others
I simply lay too insignificant for such relevance
But perhaps this is where I find comfort
In this strife of mine

Quite a curious concept
Amidst a world filled with those
Who are controlled by their struggles
I have the inordinate audacity
To break bread with mine

I have seen what these aspects can lead to
Some call them demons, others refer to it more casually
Not even by name, but by their candor
Simple symptoms
Quite like describing a fragrant rose

I may be paradoxical in this
Taking solace in that which is meant to cause my regression
But I find sanctity in their resolution
Inviting their debate
Rather than rejecting their origin

I travel these paths
Joined not by those closest, as it should be
Rather, by these subtle ghosts
Haunting in their presence
Yet warm in their embrace

I am fortunate in this
Finding this place to go
In the nether of my mind
Joining this table alongside these ‘demons’
Engrossed in my subtle chaos
Overwhelmed by its aura
Yet comforted in its presence
Jayesh Oct 2018
I always found freedom in movement
In the midst of steps
Whether from music
Or from the occurrence of those around
In moments of reflection,
I liked to think I was dancing

I moved in between these sequences
Fixed in the rules of performance
Unable to think past this choreography
Never able to make my own
But I felt it only appropriate
To move as others did

One step forward
A slight sway to the left
Another turn to my right
And back
And back

It was under this prison of routine
I found myself in
As in every other time
But something changed in these steps
As in now when I moved towards the next
You stood in my wake

I knew how different you were, placed to my standing
You worried nothing of such structure
Taking these movements as yours
Away from those who claimed their fluidity
Why you would ever take an interest in my polarized side
Quite the oxymoron; I still can’t fathom

Yet there you were
Everywhere I moved
Forcing me to look past these fixtures
Stepping past their simplicities
To find aspects I had thought foreign to me
You showed me how wrong I was in this definition of ‘freedom’

One step forward, now two
A sway left, although now with your hand in mine
A counter to the other side
Now with the opposing hand
The most complete connection
At least that’s what it felt to me

Now that I think of that time
There were changes greater than I could focus on
Besides those most immediate
I realize I never did step back
Perhaps the most significant change
As I haven’t since
Jayesh Sep 2018
You seem lost
Whenever I encounter your presence
No matter if you’re in the center of civility
Or the most savage of circumstances
Wandering in the midst of a world
Obsessed with being found

You roam
In between the most extreme of situations
Trying to join this crowd
Who claim to be found
To belong
Yet, I wonder why you would wish to be normal

Perhaps I haven’t been clear
Watching you go through your journey
Seeing these valleys you traverse
Entranced in your delicate balance
I wished you knew this:
You have a place

It’s not much
Simple structure, empty space
With no sign of anyone previous
But still one I would show to no other
Perhaps my hesitation lies thus
In the mystification of why you would accept this place

I do hope you know, however
That it will remain
A small oasis in the midst of the desert you travel
Forever undisturbed

For if you never find such a place
To take shelter
From the storm that rages around you
There will be one awaiting

Next to me
Jayesh Sep 2018
There was once a boy
Full of energy
And child-like tenderness
The likes of which
Could fill a room
With the softest of light

He thought this ability,
Of bringing smiles
To the grimmest of faces,
A gift
One of his own making

He grew through this
Giving these instances of joy
Blind to the eternity of melancholy behind them
Moving in a warm field
Paying attention only to the most luscious of fruits
While ignoring the weeds which flourished under

Such a privilege he held
Partaking in his life of ignorance
Enraptured by the small moments
He took to hold eternities

He wandered in this garden
Taken only to those colors most vivid
While ignoring their insignificance
But there comes a time
When even the greatest of these colors pale

Perhaps it was a greater shock to him
To see past the earlier smiles
And finally perceive
The pain that lay behind
Masked by the limpest of wrappings
In order to prevent those outside
To share in its burden

He saw this
The greatest of depths
Fueled by his singular experience, perhaps cruel

Most never see these depths
Wrapped in similar worlds,
Built on privilege and painkillers
Never ripping off the bandage
To experience the true pain behind

He fell far
Into this abyss of loathing
Knowing not how others could live with it
Eventually deciding
He couldn’t

It’s in these instances
On the barrier between free fall
And the climb’s first grip
Which can either define an age
Or extinguish its potential

There was once a boy
Aimless and despondent
Holding the burden of experience
Of the force barely held back by the bravest of smiles
The likes of which
Could empty the most vivid of souls
With a blue acuteness  

But in the moment he could have succumbed to its impossibility
He instead witnessed something similar, yet entirely unique:
A smile
Yet this one smiling, somehow, past the pain
Holding both the curve of brittle lips
And twinkle of eyes, ones which had seen it all

There was once a boy
Who grew thinking he knew joy
Able to give it at his whim
And when he found the truth behind this sentiment
In the moment he may have succumbed to its inevitability
He found where true joy was held
Not in the smile of those pretending against the truth
But in those who did so in the presence of it

And the boy was no more
As he fell
To the Man who rose in his stead
Jayesh Aug 2018
I find myself lost in thought
In moments curious
About the wonders of those
I lack any of
Sometimes I wonder

At these times I know not what to think of
Searching for a path
Embedded in the insanity I call my mind
Undisturbed, until placed under the guise of my curiosity
Sometimes I travel these paths

It’s a unique feeling
Finding pieces of myself
I hadn’t known were shattered
And beginning to build on what I hadn’t known
Quite a complex puzzle

I place regret in the lack of relation
I hold with those who call me close
Knowing I could never show them these pieces
In the face of what they saw as whole
Enveloped in their naïveté

Sometimes I approach the ends of these paths
Finding parts previously unknown
And in certain cases
Certainly unwanted
But I realize their place in what I seek

This path unfurls itself to me
My mind slowly revealing itself to me
Not as a continuous staircase
Rather, an intricate river
Fed by the kindness of many streams, many still unknown to me

I close my eyes to these tunes
Some playing to gentle piano keys
Others to the harsh shattering of glass, perhaps something else
And yet they all play in the same key
Performing movements to the growth of my path

Sometimes I lay terrified to these pieces I find
Yet I still close my eyes
Looking through the streams, paths, and interlaced insanities
To find those pieces I haven’t yet placed together
Reaching out to their neglected whimpers

Sometimes I wonder whether this path is wise
When most others ignore the streams,
Choosing the clear way in front
But then I think to who I am, and finally see
Sometimes never has enough

And I realize this
The need for my Sometimes
To become Always
And perhaps it does
Jayesh Aug 2018
I can remember the feeling
As if a nostalgic memory
Even though I held it
Only a moment past

It used to be so simple
As easy as moving my eyes
To look at you
And feel the comfort
Of your delicate warmth

Perhaps I considered it too much a luxury
Something to never change
Growing under this familiar blanket
No matter what I went through

I felt a shift
Almost subtle
Of this weight I hold
While once I could share it with you
Now was held in solitude
A lonely burden

I find myself thinking back now
Of these times past
Wistful in my old naïveté
Believing my past would reflect itself

I feel it most in this reflection
Where before
I would see you standing there
Next to me
Never leaving hold
Allowing me to be strong

You would ask me these things
Of where I perceived such strength
When all along I wasn't strong at all
As the one asking me held the answer

I look sometimes
Through the chaotic forest in my mind
And wonder
How I once believed
You would be there to see it clear

It's in these thoughts I find myself
Honored for the time I had
Solemn for the times now gone
Even if it was only a moment past
Jayesh Jul 2018
It seemed an unassuming crumb
Wrenched from the grips of its mother loaf
Left to crumble
In the presence of those unaware

But this morsel
Would hail a story greater than that of its counterparts
Lying in the focus of beings
With a hunger more substantial
Than this piece could ever satisfy

Two ravens flew
Independent of each other
Without a care for one another
Until they were enraptured by this:
A small glimmer
Of what could barely be consumed

Perhaps on a normal day
They would have ignored such an insignificant piece
But this was different
If only for the smallest detail
However meaningless
In another being present
Eyeing the same insignificant morsel

An observer of the two may have been surprised
At the sudden dip of each creature
Almost as if one existed as a mirror to the other
Towards what seemed to be a random patch of the Earth
Littered with the beauty of life’s variety
But only a single speck holding their attention

It was a vicious conflict
Partaken by this pair of newfound rivals
Involved in their intricate dance
In a time, brief to those outside
But a saga, spanning millennia, in their view  

In its cumulation, the matter of the victor became trivial
As they lay upon this patch, once tranquil,
The cost of such an insignificant piece now lay prevalent in their minds
Their jealousy a sign of their true defeat
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